Aging Capriciously

No Time! No Time! A woman I worked with once passed me by in the office hallway and when I started to say “Good Morning”, she held up the palm of her hand facing me and loudly proclaimed: “No Time”, then continued to walk on by me. I thought she was very rude. I could not believe that anyone could have such manners or be in such a hurry that they simply could not reply to a “Good Morning.” The phrase “No Time” has become a sort of mantra for modern life. We have all heard the excuse used for lack of exercise, poor diets, failure to take better care of our health, our friends, our spouse and even our children. Who is not busy today or who would admit to not being busy? It is a status symbol to be so busy that we do not have time for anything. Are we so busy making a living that we have no time for making a life?

I thought about the above incident quite a few times in the past years. Recently, I had some second thoughts about her behavior. Instead of judging her; I have thought about the stress in her life and wondered if I do not often treat people the same way, albeit with different tactics. I might not loudly proclaim “No Time”, but I do it in more subtle ways. I don’t listen to what people are saying; I brush off other’s problems with no response; I do not take the time to spend with my friends or loved ones; I retreat to the TV or a book when I don’t want to spend time with people and I can find myriad excuses to avoid people when I want to. In my own way, I am keeping my time and not sharing it with others. I am just not as direct as my fellow co-worker was.

How often do you say “no time” to friends, kids, relatives and even your spouse? Do you have “No Time” today but you think you will have it tomorrow? How often are you “out of time” for your loved ones or the things you really enjoy doing? When will you have time? Tomorrow may be too late.

March- the third month of the calendar. When you think of March do you think of the Ides of March, the March Hare or the “March” of time? In Minnesota, March is a time of iffy weather. March is often the last gasp of winter and it can be the snowiest month of the year or it may bring warm weather and an early spring. There have been a few years of late (most likely due to global warming) where I have even had my motorcycle out for an early run in March.

March 21st is (at least officially) the first day of spring. However, few in Minnesota expect to see flowers blooming yet. We will be getting the old ice houses off the lakes and putting away the snowmobiles. March was originally the first month of the Roman calendar because the winter months of January and February were unsuited for warfare. Military campaigns could begin as soon as the weather was suitable for “marching.” Today when March rolls around, we start thinking that summer cannot be far away. For many of us, particularly those who like to do things late, tax preparations will need to be finished before the April 15th deadline.

Many other Minnesotans will be returning from their winter sojourns to Florida, Arizona and Texas. These “fair weather” Minnesotans are called “snow-birds.” Snow-birds fly south about January or December each year and return when they sense the last days of winter are over. Minnesota probably has more snow-birds than any other state in the US. Not a bad way of living if you are rich or retired or have a portable job. For the rest of us, we must endure and hope that March is really the harbinger of warmer weather. Still, none but the foolish will put their snow throwers in storage yet.

What does March mean to you? What holidays, festivals or traditions stand out most for you in March? What do you do in March that makes it unique for you? Is March the beginning of your spring or the beginning of your fall? If you live in the southern hemisphere, no doubt you will have a different set of associations and expectations for fall.

“Synchronicity is a word coined by the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung to describe the temporally coincident occurrences of acausal events.” (Wikipedia). In common language, this means that two things seem to both happen together that are unrelated. Often, we have the distinct feeling that while they may seem unrelated on the surface, there is more than coincidence at play. Some people might say they were preordained and some might say it was predestination but none would simply call these events simply random or luck.

When things happen that seem to be beyond possibility and beyond all coincidences we wonder if other forces are at work. Statisticians might scoff at this idea (are we positing divine intervention or a psychic phenomena?) but most of us have had something happen that we cannot just write off to chance. The day when you have just been notified that you lost your job and the phone rings with an offer of a new job. Or the day when you were just ending one relationship and someone new comes into your life. Or the day when you were down to your lost dollar and suddenly you find that you overpaid on your electric bill and are due for a rebate. Many people believe that these are not random events and that there is a definite “synchronicity” to the world/

What if things in the world were more predestined then we would like to believe? Some people believe our deaths are written in a book somewhere and that no matter what we do or how we live, we will meet our maker on a fixed day. An interesting story is called “Appointment in Samarra” that deals with this subject. In the story, a man’s effort to escape his fate is futile. What if your efforts to escape fate were futile? Suppose many events and occurrences were preordained or fixed in a cosmic clock, how would that affect your life? What if you did not have as much control as you thought you had?

What events in your life do you think you have less control over? Does synchronicity play a role in your life that you have not acknowledged? Is life a balance between those things you can control and those you can’t? Have you found the right balance in your life?

According to one theory of time, events mark time. Without events, there is no time. We measure time by births, deaths, disasters, significant milestones etc. But is this all that time really is, the passing of events? Sometimes it seems this way as we count the weeks by each day passing and the months by each week passing and the years by each month passing. The seasons pass and soon our brief lives are over. The historians tell us what has been significant and what is worth remembering.

However, do we really only measure time by the passage of events? What if we stopped chronicling our bios, happenings and daily events? What if we could simply forget them as soon as they passed? Have you ever dwelled on some event long after it was over? Or, kept repeating some problem or issue in your mind? Some people can do this all their lives. We might tell them to “get over it” and move on but they are stuck in the event. They are still living in high school or college or with their first love. These individuals seem to be unaffected by the passage of events. They have found the one significant event for them and they want to stay with it forever. We all know somebody who fits this description. They cannot seem to move on with their lives. The big event might have been a tragedy, a touchdown pass or a fantastic vacation, but they will relive this over and over again. To some degree, we all do this. There are key people and events in our lives that we will never forget. However, we all must move on at least some of the time to continue growing and developing. To stay in the past is to relinquish the opportunity for new pleasures and new adventures. The past is safe though and the future is uncertain. That is what keeps many people stuck. Who wants to take the risk associated with moving forward and embracing the unknown?

How do you deal with the flow of life? Are you sometimes stuck in the past? Where are you stuck? What do you need to do to move on with your life? What events or issues can or should you forget and just let go of? What is holding you back? Are you afraid of the future?

A hare and tortoise ran a race and we all know who won! This Aesop fable is probably familiar to most of the human race. The moral is that slow and steady wins over speed. Of course, this story grew out of a time when things were much slower than they are today. Would the turtle still win today? I am not so sure. What if the answer was no? What if speed were so important today that it did not matter how steady you were? Indeed, there are many areas of our lives where speed today is essential. Target Stores advertise their culture as “Fast, Fun and Friendly.” Notice that fast is the first “virtue” of working at Target that you must embrace. When was the last time your boss told you to take things slower? Times change and today speed has become increasingly important. Drive too slow on the freeway and you can get a ticket. The poor turtle today would probably get run over.

Nevertheless, the Aesop story still has a great deal of merit. Several studies have shown that we are really less intelligent when we attempt to multi-task. When we try to do too many things at the same time, we really do few of them well. Look at the most successful people in the world and you will find that they bring a great deal of focus to what they are doing. Success requires vision but it also requires focus. It is hard to find focus when you are trying to do three or four things at the same time. It is almost always an issue of finding the right balance in our lives. When do we need to multi-task and when do we need to really focus and do only one thing at a time? The Greeks understood the important of balance as it was written on the Temple of Delphi “All things in moderation.”

Can you really drive well and talk on the cell-phone? Are you always in a multi-task mode? When do you allow your life to go slower? Are you the proverbial hare that always loses the race? Where do you need to go faster today? Where do you need to go slower?

Monday seems to be the day of the week that people hate the most. It is the beginning of the work week for many of us. We mostly think about the difficulties and problems that lie before us. Few people wake up on Monday morning feeling like they do on a weekend or vacation day. I try to make my Mondays different. I start out each Monday with the following reflection: “I give thanks for this new day and a new start. I give thanks for my health and for my friends and for my family and for my wife.” Monday is special for me because it is a new opportunity. It is a chance for a fresh start. It is my “Groundhog Day.”

Regardless of what went wrong last week or the mistakes I made, my reflection reminds me that this is a new week and a chance to start over. I could easily succumb to the negative thoughts about Monday but my reflection reminds me what I wonderful day it really is. It reminds me of my blessings and that today is a new start. Why start off the week with a down feeling? Life is a series of opportunities that are presented to us each day. The time I have on Monday is no different than the time I have on Saturday or Sunday. I choose my life by the choices I make with the time I have. So do you. There are no Mondays or Saturdays; these are only labels that we put on nature and the great cycle of life. These labels are simply conveniences and instead we turn them into traps. We have Mondays, Hump-days, TGIF days, work-days and holidays. Each of these days is what you make out of them. Each one is a potential to live a new life and to have a new beginning.

Do you see Mondays as a day to dislike or can you see Mondays as a springboard to a new beginning and a new life? Which way would you rather see Monday? What would make your life a new beginning this Monday? It is your choice!

Patience is a virtue. A virtue is a character trait valued as being good. Saying that patience is a virtue also implies that patience is a good value. Indeed, many of us would like to have more patience in our lives. Patience allows time to flow without undue anxiety or anger. Patience alleviates stress in our lives. Patience cures road rage. A great deal of violence could be cured by a greater amount of patience in the world. All of the great prophets and leaders have shown inordinate amounts of patience. This is not to say that leadership always invokes patience. Sometimes leaders and prophets have demonstrated that even patience has limits.

So how do we get more patience? How can we become a more patient person? At my annual retreat, the Retreat Master spoke of those who pray for patience and complain that their prayers are not answered. He said “Praying for patience is like me praying to have muscles like Arnold Swartzenegger and then expecting God to just give them to me. I am here to tell you that you will have to do more than just pray. You will have to exercise to get muscles and you will have to exercise to get patience.” Furthermore, he went on, we are all given many opportunities each day to practice and exercise our patience. Think of the number of times each day you are upset or short with people whom you do not have time for. Think of the number of times you are in a hurry. Each of these is an opportunity to practice patience. Only by continuing to practice will you gain more patience.

The next time you are at a light and someone fails to move, take a minute to observe and practice patience. The next time you are at a long line in a grocery story, think about practicing patience with the coupon holder in front of you. The next time someone cuts you off on the road, practice patience. See how many times today you can practice patience. How many opportunities did you have? How many times did you succeed? Keep practicing. Practice makes perfect.

Timing is everything. How often have you heard this comment? It implies that success goes to the person with the right timing. If you watch a good athlete, you can see the importance of timing over factors such as strength or power. A good golf swing is an example of this. Some sports are power sports and require less skill than sheer strength. Skill sports like golf, tennis, fencing and karate may require or put more emphasis on timing than other sports. Nevertheless, it is hard to imagine any sport where timing is not important. Great comedians must have perfect timing or they will find their jokes going right over the audiences head. Photographers talk about the importance of timing in getting those great pictures. Business is full of opportunities that are time sensitive. Today, you may have an opportunity to make a fortune and tomorrow it is gone. Good business opportunities will always be seized by someone else, whose timing is better.

So, how do we get our timing to be better or is it all just luck? Can we improve our timing? The answer is yes, but it takes practice and patience. Great timing comes from practice and repeated failures. It takes time to get great timing. People are not born with great timing, it is something we develop. The person you envy because of their great timing is someone who is practicing their skill or activity on a regular basis. When you see someone in good shape at 80 years of age, do you think they were born that way? I will bet my last dollar, they worked at staying in shape by watching their diet and by making sure they got plenty of exercise. They put lots of time into it and they did not just get lucky. Too often we ascribe success to luck. Luck is factors beyond our control. Happily, success is within our control and has less to do with luck than it does with practice and hard work. Good timing is a result of both practice and hard work.

Where do you need better timing in your life? In what areas, do you feel that your timing has been weak or off the mark? What skills or activities do you want to be better in? Can you make a schedule to practice these skills? Do you have the patience? Can you find the time to improve your timing?

Rome wasn’t built in a day. How often have you been given that little bit of wisdom? You probably think you know what it means. It seems self-evident. Several years ago, Karen and I went to Rome and while we were there, we advised ourselves to “just do like the Romans do.” One day over dinner, Karen said to me “Well, just what do or did the Romans do?” I honestly could not say. I only know they do not drive like we do. In addition, while I thought I knew what it meant when we say “Rome was not built in a day”, I also could not tell you how long it took to build Rome. In fact, if it were like any other city, they were probably still building it when it “fell.” Many works are never finished; they are simply “works in process.” Thus, Rome was probably not ever really built since it was never finished. Cities and countries are always works in progress.

The same holds true for people. We are not built in a day or even a lifetime. We are never finished as people until we die and even then we will not be finished. I think of the growth I want in my life and I realize that after having worked on patience for at least the last three years, it will certainly not be obtained in a day or probably even in my lifetime. Many of my friends also doubt it will be obtained in my lifetime. More likely, if I keep trying hard and working at it, I may find myself getting more and more patient, but never reaching the apex I would like to achieve. The best I may be able to do is to be more patient than I was yesterday and the day before that. My creating a patient persona is a work in progress. I will definitely not become patient in a day and maybe not even in a lifetime.

The real goal is not to finish but to make progress with your life. When we work a little each day on something, we eventually create our own individual Rome. Do you get bored easily or give up easily on things? Are you working on long-term goals and sometimes getting frustrated over your rate of change? What could you use as a more realistic measure of change to gage your progress? Who could help you to stay on track? Can you find a mentor or coach or friend who will provide you with encouragement? It is difficult to build Rome by yourself.

Do you have THE time? This question once distinguished those who had a watch and those who did not. Today, I can just as easily answer this question with my watch, cell phone, GPS, PDA or WIFI computer. I simply need to observe the time and state it in either Greenwich Mean Time or 24 hour military style. I could be somewhat facetious and say “Well, it depends on what time you want?” When we ask for the time, we are usually only requesting chronological time. We assume that the person making the request only wants to know what time of day it is.

What if they wanted to know the time they had left to live? What if they were looking for the time that the world had left to survive? What if they wanted to know how long you were really going to stay with them? In marriage vows, we say “until death do us part.” None of us know how long that will be or whether it will really last that long. Yet we make that commitment to stay with the other person as long as we live. In reality, it means as long as we still feel like we love them. We make commitments of time that are impossible to live up to since we do not really know the time. We cannot say how long the world will survive or how long we will survive. We cannot even really say how long we will live with anyone. The most we can say about time is what time we think it is right now.

The next time someone asks you if you “have the time,” try replying with “Well, yes I have it and if I give it to you, what will you do with it?” Alternatively, “Do you really need it?” Or, “When will I get it back?” The point here is to not take words for granted and to try to see what else they could mean. As Alice in Wonderland was told, “Do not presume to know what words mean.” Do you assume too much when others speak? Do you try to check out the meaning of words and feelings? Do you think that you know the meaning of the words without validating your assumptions? What if you checked out the meaning of words more? Do you think it would improve your communication skills?