Tell me about the “Good Ole Days”

“Grandpa, tell me about the good ole days.”  “Why son, when I was your age, we didn’t have kitty litter boxes. We used to have to go outside and dig our own places to poop.  Let me tell you, sometimes the snow was so high that it was up to my stomach.  You young cats have it easy.  Cat litter boxes with scoop-able litter; why in my days, they would laugh us silly for using such things.”   

Tell me ’bout the good old days.
Sometimes it feels like
This world’s gone crazy.
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday,
Where the line between right and wrong
Didn’t seem so hazy. (Lyrics from the Judd’s song)

Every time I get into a discussion with some “old” friends, it always seems that the “good ole day” trumps today and definitely tomorrow.  “Things are so screwed up today, the end of the world is near, government is one big conspiracy, globalism is destroying the world, they’re going to take our guns away, etc., etc., etc.”

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”-  Socrates – 469-399 BC

Even in Socrates day, the world was going to “hell in a hand basket.”

Origin of the phrase “to hell in a hand-basket”

It isn’t at all obvious why ‘hand-basket’ was chosen as the preferred vehicle to convey people to hell. One theory on the origin of the phrase is that derives from the use of hand-baskets in the guillotining method of capital punishment. If Hollywood films are to be believed, the decapitated heads were caught in baskets – the casualty presumably going straight to hell, without passing Go.

My mother liked to use the phrase “to hell in a hand-basket” and since I doubt I have ever used it in any of my 700 or so blogs, I thought it fitting to use today.  I would not want to be accused of using any hackneyed phrases.  By the way, do you know where the word “hackneyed” came from?  The use of “hackneys” or renting out horse drawn cabs over and over again until they were worn out is one meaning.  The etymology of words is fun and often challenging.  Now there is a word to look up!  What the heck is an “Etymology?”

But I digress; let’s get back to the “good ole days.”  Do you remember how much a pound of butter or a dozen eggs cost in 1930?  Answer:  46.4 cents for the butter and 44.5 cents for the dozen eggs.  So there is factual evidence that things were much better in the “good ole days” than they are now.  Where could you get a pound of butter today for even 50 cents?   Of course, the average American White male lived only to 59.7 years of age and the average American Black male lived only to 47.3 years of age in 1930.  Could it be they were eating too much butter and eggs?

Did lovers really fall in love to stay
Stand beside each other come what may
was a promise really something people kept,
Not just something they would say
Did families really bow their heads to pray
Did daddies really never go away
Whoa oh Grandpa,
Tell me ’bout the good old days.  (Lyrics from the Judd’s song)

I suppose though that if the world is really going to end soon, that trumps the price of eggs and butter.  You never had to worry thirty years ago about the world ending, unless of course you were watching the nuclear clock and saw it ticking down to zero during the Cold War between the US and Russia.  I learned the other day from watching “Secrets of the Dead: The Worlds’ Biggest Bomb” that we tested thousands of nuclear devices during our arms war with the Soviets.  It is an absolute miracle that we did not create some kind of a chain reaction and blow the entire world up.  The following figures are from Wikipedia:

United States: 1,054 tests by official count (involving at least 1,151 devices, 331 atmospheric tests), most at Nevada Test Site and the Pacific Proving Grounds in the Marshall Islands, with 10 other tests taking place at various locations in the United States, including Amchitka Alaska, Colorado, Mississippi, and New Mexico (see Nuclear weapons and the United States for details).

Soviet Union: 715 tests (involving 969 devices) by official count, most at Semipalatinsk Test Site and Novaya Zemlya, and a few more at various sites in Russia, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, and Ukraine.

Can you imagine the fall out and radiation that we must have put in the air from these tests?  If you look at the Chernobyl, Three Mile Island and Fukushima disasters, the pollutants from these meltdowns is beyond belief!  How much radiation did we treat ourselves to in the “good ole days?”  We are probably still ingesting nuclear particles from those tests today.  What is the half-life of a plutonium or uranium isotope?   I think it is well over 20,000 years for either.

Well, I guess I am digressing again.  I want to focus on the “good ole days.”  I keep getting carried away with side excursions.  Please excuse my inability to focus, but you know for some of us the “good ole days” were not so good.  But I want to be objective about this.  I don’t want to tell you that my “good ole days” actually sucked, but that’s another story.

Most of the “older” people I meet today seem to remember fondly high school sock hops (I never went to any) good ole rock and roll music (I liked opera better) their high school sweetheart (I did not have one) and the astounding feats of athletic prowess that took place on the “good ole” high school gridiron.  Of course, they ruined their knees, thighs, and hips which is why they are now fat and obese and spend most of their time watching TV sports.  “I busted my knee during the big play in my senior year!”  “I was running for the touchdown pass when I was blindsided!”  “I got hit by a 350 lb. lineman from our high school rival during the big game!”

I would be a zillionaire if I had a dollar for every former high school athlete I meet who gives me the “good ole” excuses as to why they are now “proud” couch potatoes.  For most of these guys, the “good ole days” was high school.  Actually, my high school days sucked.  They kept trying to expel me and the cops kept trying to arrest me.  I was lucky to get out of high school with only one serious conviction, but that’s another story.

Let’s get back to the “good ole days.”  Maybe thirty or even one hundred years ago is not far enough back to get to the real “good ole days.”  Maybe we need to go back to the days of the Philistines, or Vikings or Huns?  I bet things were a lot better when there were fewer rules about raping and pillaging and scorched earth efforts.  You know less government regulations.

Everything is changing fast.
We call it progress,
But I just don’t know.
And Grandpa, let’s wonder back into the past,
And paint me a picture of long ago. (Lyrics From the Judd’s song)

You really had “free” enterprise when you simply could take what you want.  I am always perplexed by people that talk about the wonders of free enterprise.  I don’t get too many things free and whenever I go to the local auto repair shop or grocery store, they always seem to have their hand out for a payment.   To me it’s free if I can just take it and not have to pay for it; just like the Vikings and Huns used to do.  Now that was free enterprise.  The “good ole days” at least had more recognition that stealing was not all bad depending on which group you belonged to.  Today, the only people that get away with “free” stealing seem to be the politicians.  It must mean that politicians are more corrupt today than in the “good ole days.”

“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”
Mark Twain

I have heard it said that “people get the government they deserve.” Perhaps people get the lives they deserve.  How many people would agree that what you reap is what you sow?  We like to blame others for our problems.   That means anyone or anything else we can attach blame to for the problems we now have.  It is easy to blame young people, foreigners, immigrants, political leaders, the president, communists, liberals, conservatives, morons, idiots and others for our problems.  It is much more difficult to find the blame in the mirror image that is reflected when we care to look.  Yes, we get the government we deserve and we probably get the world we deserve.  Thus, my conclusion to finding the “good ole days” is to look closer at your calendar and remember that the day you are looking at today will soon become one of those “good ole days.”

Time for Questions:

Are we living in the good “ole” days or have they become part of a history never to repeat itself?  What were your “good ole days?”  Are you stuck in the past?  Why spend the energy to change anything?  Do you keep looking back or do you keep your eye on the present?  How do you keep moving forward?  Does your world get better and better or simply more tired and worn out?

Life is just beginning.

Friends and Friendship: Part 2:

I confess I ended a number of friendships this past year.  I decided to simply “let go” of people who don’t call me or who do not seem to have any interest in whether I am alive or dead.  I can’t say this task was easy.  I have misgivings about when and how I have approached the effort.  My solution has been to simply not call or contact others unless they contact me.  I have for many years felt like I was the one doing most of the work in several “friendships.”  I am not sure whether it is the “parsimony” of old age (i.e., only so much time left on this earth) or simply laziness.  Somehow though, I thought: “Well, if they want to see me, they can call me for a change.”  Maybe it simply means that I do not care about friendship enough to invest the work they need.  I even had misgivings over my “best friend.”   I began to feel that we had drifted apart over the years and no longer had the basis for a friendship.

In Friends and Friendship Part 1, I described some basic theories of friendships and went back to the ideas of Aristotle to help describe what friendship is and the types of friendship possible.  I outlined my theory on the importance of intimacy to friendship.  Here in Part 2, I want to identify ten behaviors that I think are necessary for a true friendship.  I am not sure ALL of them are necessary (You may have good friends without all ten being present) but I do think most of them are essential for a friendship.  I would like to describe each behavior and why it is important and its role in helping to create a true friendship.  I think friendships take time and effort.  In this respect, I don’t think friendships are any different than a good marriage.  You can’t take your partner for granted and ignore them day after day and expect your marriage to last.  I believe the same is true for friends.

As you read my friendship behaviors, please remember that I am not advocating that anyone take their friendships lightly or that you simply jettison friends who do not meet my criteria. I am simply saying that if you want to have good friends there are some behaviors that are necessary to create, maintain and continue a friendship.  Given the need to invest time and effort to keep good friendships, the idea of 2,000 or even 200 Facebook “Friends” is ludicrous.  If you can maintain even one good friendship in your life, I would consider you lucky.

If the time comes and you decide to take stock of your friendships, please remember one thing:  You do not have to “let go” of old friends.  You can rejuvenate or refresh your friendships by once again becoming a friend.  If your efforts are not reciprocated over time (and not necessarily fifty-fifty) you might want to reevaluate just who you should spend your time and energy with.  This might sound “cold and calculating” but if you have found a better solution please send me an email or drop a comment in the box.   I would sincerely like to keep as many friends as I can and if there is a way to do it without time and effort; I have not yet found it.

1. Disagree respectfully:

I cannot imagine a friendship where we agree on everything 100 percent of the time.  However, I also cannot imagine a friend who would insult me, disrespect me or try to make me look foolish.  I would not call that a friend.  I expect my friends to listen to my ideas and even if they do not agree, to at least try to understand where I am coming from and not deliberately try to denigrate or diminish my theories or opinions.   I have no problem with friends presenting facts or logical arguments against said opinions, but I don’t believe a friendship can be based on disrespect unless it can be done in a caring manner which is sometimes possible but usually very difficult to effect.

2. Overcome anger:

I have often noticed that real friendships seem to start “after” friends get angry with each other.  Perhaps, more than the anger signaling the start of true friendship is the process by which you are able to overcome the anger with your friend.   If we can’t confront the anger with another, it is unlikely that we will become good friends.  I remember once going to a marriage seminar and they said there were three things you needed for a good marriage:   1. A communications process.   2.  A fight-fair process.  3.  A realistic budget.   I was very intrigued by the fight-fair process. What this entails is the ability to communicate with your spouse or friend about things that make you angry or disappoint you.  It goes beyond daily communication to encompass “extra-ordinary” situations that arise when something does not go as we expect it to.  For many of us, this is a daily event.  If you can’t communicate with and overcome your anger with another person, you probably do not have a true friendship.

3. Share common interests:

Perhaps, you met your friends at Curves or work or playing bingo.  We meet people all over and I allow that ninety five percent of the people we meet are simply acquaintances.  They never become true friends because they never go beyond sharing common interests.  Nevertheless, the sharing of common interests helps create a bond that is fundamental to a good friendship.  It is indeed possible to stay good friends with someone long after the initial interests have disappeared simply on the basis of the shared history that you now have with that individual.  For instance, you might have been on a trip together or been in the service together.  These shared memories act as the cement to continue to provide a sense of common interests.   At some point however, these former interests become faded and need to be replaced by new and more salient experiences that can be shared together.  Without such interests as a foundation, I have seen many former friendships simply fade away.

4. Help each other when in need:

There is perhaps no truer saying that “A friend in need is a friend in deed.”  The power of the feelings that are manifested towards someone coming to our aid in time of need is beyond comparison to any other single aspect of friendship.  I remember a good friend of mine who once told me during my divorce: “The hell with your ex-wife, I am here for you.”  I will never forget how grateful I felt towards him for the fact that he was willing to unequivocally provide me with emotional support when I needed it.  Friends may help you in many ways, but perhaps no help goes further than the emotional support that we provide towards friends when they need it.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

5. Don’t expect your friends to be perfect:

This is a simple but profound truth:  None of us are perfect.  If you constantly find fault with others, chances are you will not have many or even any friends.  It is not always easy to accept the faults in others.  For instance, I disagree with one of my friends over some of the people whom he calls friends.  I would not have a racist or a bigot as a friend.  I am willing to overlook many warts and blemishes in my friendships but I draw the line at liking or even tolerating people who hurt or pick on others.  Perhaps I should be more charitable.  I admit, I write off many potential friendships because I will not tolerate hateful attitudes towards others.  Nevertheless, I do recognize that the more that you can handle and deal with the imperfections in others, the more friendships you will potentially have.

6. Care about each other:

This might be the single most important bond for a good friendship.  Do you really care about what happens to the other person?  Are you willing to go out of your way to take an interest in their needs and lives?   Caring can take many forms and might be attending a funeral at one of their relatives or driving your friend to the hospital or giving them a ride to the airport.  A few years ago, I remember a friend who told me that whenever any of his friends were in need, he simply showed up with helping hand, or a pie or a shoulder to cry on.  He said that he did not ask the common question “How can I help you?”  He simply went ahead and tried to help without being asked or given permission.  His initiative seemed to me more powerful than the common refrain “Let me know if I can be of help.”  I would be much more grateful towards the friend that simply showed up rather than waiting to be asked.

“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”
Marlene Dietrich

7. Occasionally reach out to each other:

I believe it is important for friends to have some form of regular contact with each other.  I cannot understand or believe that a good friendship can endure without some form of mutual interdependence.  Whether, you come by for dinner, attend a movie together, take a trip together or simply call or even email your friends, it seems (to me anyway) that friendships need some form of regular lubrication that mutual contact provides.

I have said that Facebook friends are generally not true friendships. They do however; provide regular contact between “potential” friends and people who you truly call good friends.  The simple “like” button provides a very powerful and instant means of letting others know that you appreciate, admire or support something they are engaged in.  I have given many likes and received many likes on Facebook and I always feel closer to those individuals who take the time to “like” or note some issue that I care about.  Liking is not a very big effort but it forms that sense of mutual contact that I think is the lubricant for a good friendship.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

8. Apologize when you hurt the other person:

Good friends do not deliberately hurt each other.  However, hurts both physical and emotional will often be inflicted.  I cannot tell you how many times I have bumped into Karen, stepped on her toes, or unintentionally inflicted some pain on her while we were together.  Fortunately, it was nothing ever very serious.   More serious to our relationship, has been the emotional pain and hurts that I have too often inflicted on her.   Some of them were intentional, some were not.   None were ever deserved though.   At such times, I think it is critical and essential to apologize to the other person.  Whether or not it was intentional is not the point.  The point is that you have hurt the other person and if you truly care about them, you want to know how you can help alleviate the pain.

A number of years ago, I was on the Oprah Winfrey show. The subject was apologies.  The expert that Oprah had on the show said that a true apology has three parts:  1. Saying: “I am sorry.”  2.  Listening to the hurt or pain you have caused the other person.  3.  Setting things right.  Part one, saying you are sorry is often the easy part.  However, many of us expect that as soon as we say we are sorry, the other person should forgot about it and get on with their lives.  Simply issuing an apology may not help the other person move on.  The difficult part is listening to the feelings, emotions and disappointments that your actions have led to.  People may all respond differently to different insults and individuals are responsible for their own feelings.  However, we all have feelings and in a good relationship you must care about the feelings of others.  Whether or not you have caused the feeling is a moot point.  Can you listen to and empathize with the pain that is in the other person?   This is often the only way; that they will be able to move beyond the pain and truly rejoin a relationship with you.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
Bob Marley

9. Kidding or joking with each other:

Insulting a person or demeaning a person deliberately is a far cry from kidding someone or even “roasting” another person.  The first is done with malice and hatred, the latter is done with love and admiration.  I have never been really good at humor and my efforts to be funny have often backfired.  Good friends are friends that you can joke with.  Of course, everyone has their sensitive spots and tolerances and knowing these are important to a friendship.  The deeper the friendship, the more likely you will have a greater tolerance towards each other in terms of how much you can push the boundaries of joking and ridicule.  Most of us have learned that texting, emails and online communications do not lend themselves to humor and spoofing.  That is why an entire arsenal of symbols 🙂 has arisen to show the other person that “no malice” is intended in our comments.  In our face to face communications, our body language readily communicates towards our friends our intentions and whether or not they are playful or benign.  I cannot conceive of a real friend who I could not joke with or make fun of from time to time and of course vice verse.

10. Trust your friends:

The amount of trust you would put in a friend might be the single most obvious indicator of how strong that friendship was.   But what do we mean by the word Trust?  We often hear the phrase “trust me” used today.  What does it mean to trust though?  ASU Online defines trust as follows:

Trust is both an emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.

A friend is someone who you can expose your vulnerabilities with.  In Part 1 of this blog, I discussed the importance of intimacy to a friendship.  When we are intimate with someone, we are more exposed and more vulnerable.  There is no escaping vulnerability in a good friendship.  If you want a strong friendship, you must be willing to trust the other person and that means you must be willing to be vulnerable.  The fewer secrets you have with your friends, the stronger your friendships will be. The issue of trust is paramount here because who but a fool would share secrets with someone they could not trust.  The Internet is full of ridiculous instances of people posting, texting or sharing secrets with others who it became glaringly evident they could not trust.  Some of us are more trusting than others, but I think that most good friendships grow in trust as our experiences teach us whether or not the other person can really be trusted.  Thus, the final hallmark of a good friendship is trust.

Time for Questions:

Are you happy with your friendships?  Do you have some good friends?  How do you define friendship?  How many of the ingredients of friendship that I have outlined do you share with your friends?  Which ingredients do you disagree with? Which ingredients do you think I have missed?  What do you need to do tomorrow to have better friendships?

Life is just beginning.

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