Aging Capriciously

A few weeks ago, my blog featured our new tortoise Mikey and a discussion with him about life, death and politics.  Since we acquired Mikey, we have been learning a great deal about tortoises.  Did you know they have been on this earth over 250,000,000 years?  They were roaming this planet with the dinosaurs.  Compare this with humans who have been around about 6 or 7 million years and tortoises have us by many millions of years.  If you include the present species of humans (homo sapiens), we have been around about 300,000 years, it is not even a drop in the bucket compared to Mikey’s ancestors.

The more I thought about this discrepancy in life spans, the more I wondered about the effects of exercise and diet on longevity.  You know we are always told that we will live longer with better nutrition and better exercise.  Every few years, we have a new diet or exercise regimen guaranteed to extend our lifespans.  According to AI, some sources say over 1,000 weight-loss diets have been developed in the first 70 years of my life, that is from 1946 to 2014.  I presume many of these diet plans are now in garbage cans while their developers made it rich.

I once thought that a new diet or exercise plan could be my path to glory.  A shortcut to fame and fortune.  But until now, I have not been able to come up with any unique ideas.  I was lamenting this sorry state of affairs to my talking tortoise Mikey when he again gave me a very baleful look with his reptilian eyes.  I knew he was thinking of something but was hesitant to say.  “Ok, Mikey, out with it.”  “You are so stupid he answered me.  The secret diet and your path to fame and fortune is right in front of you.”  “I am not seeing it.  Can you be more explicit.”  “Me”, said Mikey, “My exercise program and my diet.  You can call it ‘The Mikey Tortoise Exercise and Diet Program’ that will help you live at least a million years.  They will flock in droves to buy your book, eat your supplements, purchase the exercise props they will need and follow your diet recommendations.”  “Wow, what a great idea Mikey.  How come I never thought of it.”  “You humans are nowhere near as bright as you think you are.” “Well, where do we begin I asked.”  Mikey then laid out the following plans for diet and exercise.  As a bonus, Mikey included his plan for productivity.

PLAN #1: The Mikey Ultra-Slow High-Intensity Interval Training Program (US-HIIT)

Tagline: Go slower than slow… and live longer than long.

Warm-Up:
Stand completely still for 10 minutes.  This gives your muscles time to realize you’re awake.

Intervals:

• Sprint Phase (12 seconds): Walk forward three inches with fierce intention.
• Recovery Phase (18 minutes): Stop, stare at a distant point, and contemplate existence.
  Repeat 2–3 times, or until someone mistakes you for a garden sculpture.

Cool-Down:
Retract head into imaginary shell for mental relaxation.  Humans may substitute a hoodie.

Results:
After two weeks you may gain the ability to reach the mailbox without breaking a sweat.  After two months you will wonder why humans ever invented treadmills.

PLAN #2: The 100% Natural Tortoise Diet (No Cooking, No Dishes, No Effort)

Tagline: If it grew on the ground and looks vaguely edible — it’s lunch.

Breakfast:

• A handful of weeds pulled from someone else’s yard for best flavor.
• Optional: half a strawberry, provided it fell on the ground first.

Lunch:

• Mixed Arizona grasses, lightly dusted with the soil of your choosing.
• A leaf. Any leaf. Bonus points if the wind delivered it to you.

Dinner:

• Cactus pad sautéed by the sun (the only approved cooking method).
• A dandelion blossom for dessert — gourmet cuisine in the tortoise world.

Forbidden Foods:
Anything that comes in a bag, box, wrapper, can, bottle, jar, or cost more than 12 cents.

Health Claim:
Following this diet ensures a lean waistline, a calm mind, and the ability to ignore most world problems simply by walking away at 0.2 mph.

PLAN #3: The “Sleep 20 Hours a Day and Still Be Considered Productive” Method

Tagline: Work smarter, not harder… or just don’t work at all.

Daily Schedule:

• 6:00 a.m.: Wake up. Immediately regret it.
• 6:07 a.m.: Return to resting state.
• Noon: Brief stroll to remind the world you’re alive.
• 12:08 p.m.: Nap.
• 5:00 p.m.: Move two feet toward food.
• 5:15 p.m. – next morning: Rest deeply, dreaming of lettuce.

Why It Works:
Scientists can’t explain it, but apparently not stressing about everything adds decades to your life.  Tortoises have perfected this since the Triassic period.

“I suppose you will want your cut with any profits or royalties that I make off your plans Mikey?”  “I’m not greedy,” Mikey replied, “Just give me a trust fund that will provide me with some dandelion greens and romaine lettuce for the next 75 years and I will be happy.”  “Deal” I said.

So, there you have it folks.  A diet plan, an exercise plan and a productivity plan all rolled up in one neat package.  You can live at least a hundred years and be productive along the way.  What more could you ask for?  Think how jealous your neighbors and relatives will be, if any of them are still alive when you turn 100.  Here is a quote to live by from Mikey:

“Fame and fortune are nothing compared to longevity.” 

The Duke of Edinburgh has made friends with the world’s oldest living land animal – a giant tortoise named Jonathan.

The record-breaking tortoise is aged 192 years old, and this is not his first brush with royalty.