Pro-Christian Group Swarms Bible Bookstore to Destroy New King James Bibles:
When asked why, the group’s leader answered, “Because we don’t believe in all this ‘new’ business. We only want old bibles to be sold. We never met King James anyway.”
Man Kills and Eats Pet Parrot:
“I killed him because he called me a ‘stupid’ Trump supporter. Trump is not stupid. I am going to buy another parrot that will vote for Trump.”
Students Run Wild on Campus as Protests Soar Across the USA
Students at McKinsey University were seen running to catch a bus after their graduation ceremony. “What’s the fuss” one student said. “Can’t we even run on campus anymore? I swear I am not Anti-Semitic.”
Possible Alien Spacecraft Spotted Landing Near Homes in Scottsdale, AZ:
Closer investigation showed the spacecraft to be a remote-controlled toy spaceship from Mattel being operated by a five-year-old girl. The young girl was arrested and taken away in hand cuffs despite proclaiming her innocence of any intended space invasion.
Woman Observed Performing Potentially Obscene Sex Acts in a Downtown Phoenix Park.
Witnesses say that she was doing something strange to a Barbie doll. When approached, the woman threw the Barbie doll in a garbage pail and fled. Officers are on the lookout for an eighty-year-old woman with a Barbie doll purse.
Biden Loses First Debate to Trump:
Four out of five Trump supporters say Trump will trash Biden in a debate. When asked why, many replied “Because Sleepy Joe will fall asleep in the first five minutes after listening to Trump say how great he is.” “We really do think he is great.”
Americans Leaving for Greener Pastures as Inflation Rises Again:
Many Americans are buying a new shade of weather resistant green grass for their lawns. Rumors have it that it can be used in salads instead of lettuce. Chefs say it makes a great Caesar salad.
Kim Kardashian Does It Again!
Kim Kardashian and several other famous celebrities were seen eating at the well-known Per Se restaurant in Manhattan. Kim was wearing one of her naked see-through look dresses. She reportedly was miffed that most patrons focused on checking out the menu.
Dr. John Persico Wins the Nobel Prize for Literature:
John dreamed that he won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2025 until his wife woke him up in the middle of his acceptance speech. “Let me sleep,” he said, “It’s not every day that I win the Nobel Prize.”
The National Enquirer was Awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Journalism and Truth Telling this Week:
The headlines of the National Enquirer contained news of its pending Pulitzer Prize. The story was written by five of its leading writers who were subsequently fired for telling lies. They were then rehired and given raises.
Shocking headlines have become the norm or new normal. The media specialize in well-rehearsed talking points that come from on-high in corporate headquarters. “Protestors are funded by Hamas” is echoed repeatedly by high paid shills for the media who call themselves journalists. “Antisemitism is rampant among college university professors” shriek other headline news liars. “If we don’t stop Russia in the Ukraine they will soon be over here to invade Disney Land” is a frequent threat published by all the major news outlets. “We need more money for defense” is a never-ending plea that benefits the military and the manufacturers of bombs and bullets.
As we attempt to ignore these absurd, threatening, and shocking headlines, the efforts of marketers to come up with new bait to hook us continues nonstop. Each day brings more and more bizarre and misleading headlines. We may want to opt out of the media blitz that bombards us via the TV, the radio, the internet, cellphones, emails, social media, and text messages, but it is an almost impossible task.
Someone said, “You can run but you can’t hide.” You can run from the news, but you can’t hide from it. From the shores of Montezuma to the hallowed hallways of the Supreme Court, the news will get you. They want you to be depressed, unhappy, miserable, and hopeless. But don’t worry too long. They have the fix for your unhappiness. The answer is in the next commercial. Buy it now, pay later and find true joy. Happiness is buying. Happiness is owning. Happiness is selling the junk that no longer makes you happy and buying new junk which will succeed where the last junk failed.
Be sure to buy a big gun. You will need it for protection to make sure that the Democrats, communists, liberals, gays, immigrants, feminists, student protestors, Arabs, Russians, and others don’t sneak in at night and take your junk away. Actually, just to be on the safe side, buy two big guns.
Aging Capriciously 