Aging Capriciously

Fox News, Ted Cruz, Republicans and Conservatives who have not even watched the Barbie movie are mad as hell.  This blatantly or subtly (depending on your bias) perspective on dolls, women, femininity, and masculinity are further adding to the deep divide separating Americans from Americans.  How dare Mattel and Margot Robbie put out a movie like this.  What could its writers Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach be thinking?  We need movies that will bring us together and not further divide us.  Movies like The Ritual Killer, Casting Kill, and Sympathy for the Devil.  Movies that will make you afraid to walk the streets and compel Americans to buy more guns.

Oops, did I mention GUNS?  Sorry, I did not mean to offend any of our brave defenders of the Second Amendment.  It is violent movies that bring Americans together.  Movies that make you think are part of the Commie Pinko Intellectual Brain Cartel that drive Americans apart.  We all know that thinking can be dangerous.  Universities are hot beds for liberal ideas like Ecology, Critical Race Theory, Feminist Ideology, Climate Change, Diversity, Equity, Sustainability and something called “Wake Me Up” or WOKE for short.  Going to any liberal college is an invitation to be brainwashed.  If you think too much, you will question things that commentators on Fox News and Newsmax tell you.

Karen and I had not been to a movie theater in four years.  The last movie we went to see was a remake of the original Cats.  Cats as any conservative can tell you is a movie musical where the characters are all LGBTQ+i people disguised as cats.  They run around doing silly things in hopes of being selected for a reincarnation ritual.  It is amazing that conservative churches nationwide did not ban this weak attempt to transform our youth into Trans-Cat people.  Nevertheless, despite negative comparison to the original Cats, Karen and I enjoyed it very much.

A week or two ago, when Raiders with Harrison Ford came out, we were ready to go see it.  We had hopes that Indiana Jones would be as compelling as he was in the original Raiders movie.  The more we thought about it the less likely this seemed possible.  Ford is nearly 80 years old, and I was skeptical about his ability to play a thirty something.  We decided to save the 25 dollars we would spend at the theater on tickets and popcorn until something better came along.  Next week out came Oppenheimer, Mission Impossible and Barbie.  Our friends all teed up to go to Mission Impossible or Opie.  Something in my personality as I watched the Barbie trailer was turned on by her high heeled shoes, nice breasts, and beautiful blond hair.  An all-American woman if ever there was one.

Without further thought, I decided to take Karen to see the movie.  Little did I realize how subversive this movie was.  If I had known, I would never have taken Karen to see it.  Movies like this could turn women into raving maniacal feminists.  Women who would do anything to overthrow the patriarchy and probably burn their bras.  By the way, bra burning never bothered me, but if they burned their garter belts, I would be really upset.

The first third of the movie was a real joy ride.  Hilarious visuals depicting all types of Barbies that I never knew existed.  I thought most Barbies were just sort of “hottie” dolls but much to my surprise there were some Barbies who had brains as well as sex appeal.  Now most men have been taught that these two things do not go together, and I admit I was a bit surprised.  I should have known I was being setup.

Karen was enjoying the show very much.  She remembered a good deal of the history and paraphernalia associated with Barbie.  She had even seen a Ken doll.  I confess I had never seen a Ken doll.  I did not even play with toy soldiers when I was growing up or Action-Adventure Figures.  My tough conservative father was aware that these “figures” were just pseudonyms for DOLLs and that playing with them would make me queer and effeminate.  I could have guns, military aircraft, and navy destroyers.  One of my favorite pastimes was building military models and then shooting them to pieces.  My father approved and thought that I would be a military hero someday.  It was my job to save America from “God-Less” Communism.  Nevertheless, there were many parts of Barbie in which I laughed hysterically.

The second third of Barbie dragged a little.  I was not sure where it was going.  The comedy bits came farther apart, and the show seemed to be meandering, I knew not where.  I began to enjoy it more as I realized that a plot was being set-up.  The director and writers had something up their sleeves.  I would soon find out what these devious devils were going to do.

The third part of Barbie was the showstopper.  Gerwig and Baumbach wanted their movie to be more than just a mindless comedy.  They wanted a movie that might make Americans think.  This was a movie with a message.  Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your political affiliation they did not run it by the Republican National Committee. If they had, it would never have reached the silver screen.  Here is what some conservative pundits had to say about it:

• Elon Musk wrote: “If you take a shot every time Barbie says the word ‘Patriarchy,’ you will pass out before the movie ends.”
• Texas Senator Ted Cruz, for the second time, accused the Barbie movie of pushing “Chinese communist propaganda.” The Texas republican was referring to a “nine-dash line” used on the map, depicting what China claims is its territory within the South China Sea
• Ben Shapiro tweeted: “My producers dragged me to see ‘Barbie’ and it was one of the most woke movies I have ever seen.” He added, “My full review of this flaming garbage heap of a film will be out on my YouTube channel tomorrow at 10am ET.” (He did indeed post a video of himself setting Barbie dolls ablaze in a trash can.)

WOKE, Communist China, Bashing Patriarchy.  Lions and Tiger and Bears, O MY!  What is a red-blooded American male to do today?  Was this what I joined the military for during the Vietnam war?  To see my country making a movie supporting China and to help destroy the White Male Patriarchy that has made our country great.  God forbid it.  To paraphrase the great patriot Patrick Henry:

“What is it that the Barbies wish?  What would they have?  Is life so dear, or feminism so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of Patriarchy and Male dominance?  Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, BURN those, Barbie Dolls!”