Customer Service (CS): Hello, this is American Bank serving True American Patriots. Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking to today?
Me: Hi, my name is John Persico, and I am calling about a lost credit card.
CS: Could you please verify your account with us. I need your name, address, telephone number, last four of your social security number and your secret pass code.
Me: John Persico, 2034 Abbitt Avenue, South Phoenix, 85117. Phone is 520-671-4583 and last four of my SS is 2245. My secret pass code is 9867453287.
CS: Could you also verify your date of birth; month, day, and year.
Me: 09/17/1946
CS: Thank you, Mr. Persico. We see that you have an account with us. What can I help you with.
Me: Well, my wife and I just came back from a vacation, and we seem to have lost one of our credit cards.
CS: Do you know the number of your credit card?
Me: Are you serious?
CS: Don’t worry, I can look it up. Do you know the date of issue?
Me: Sometime in the past four years I would guess.
CS: Great, I think I have located the number. Do you know where you lost the card?
Me: Well, we left Phoenix two weeks ago for Cape Town, South Africa. From there we went to Johannesburg and from there to Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe. When we left Victoria Falls, we went back to Phoenix by way of Zurich, Switzerland. Then we went to Newark, NJ and finally landed in Phoenix. I think it was either lost or stolen somewhere between Zimbabwe and Phoenix.
CS: Oh, I thought you said it was lost?
Me: Well, I guess it could have been stolen. What’s the difference?
CS: If it was lost, we have our lost credit card department. If it was stolen, I must send you to our stolen credit card department.
Me: What do you mean “send” me? I thought you were going to handle it.
CS: I am very sorry, but I will have to route you to the right department. Do you want stolen or lost?
Me: I will take lost.
CS: Please stay on the line while I forward you to our Lost Credit Card department. Thank you very much for your time. Would you mind filling out a brief survey concerning the service you received today?
Me: Maybe later. I would really like to get this card issue resolved first.
CS: I understand, please stay on the line.
Lost Credit Card Dept: Due to the large volume of lost credit card calls, there will be a minimum delay of twenty minutes before we can connect you with a lost credit card service provider. Would you like to stay on the line, or we can give you a call back?
Me: I will stay on the line.
TIME DELAY: Twenty-five times I am asked if I still want to stay on the line. Meanwhile I am listening to some of the worst music I have ever heard in my life.
Lost Credit Card Operator (LCCO) Hello, whom do I have the pleasure of speaking to?
Me: My name is John Persico. I am calling about a lost credit card.
LCCO: I would be happy to help you with this issue. Can I have your name, address, phone number, last four of your Social Security number, date of birth and your secret passcode?
Me: I gave all that information before.
LCCO: I am very sorry, but I must ask you again as we are a different department.
Me: Okay, Okay. Jesus, I can’t remember my name. I think my address is 2034 Abbitt Avenue, South Phoenix, 85117. Phone is 520-671-4583 and last four of my SS is 2245. My secret pass code is 9867453287. My date of birth is 09/17/1946. Oh, Oh, I just remembered my name. It is John Persico.
LCCO: Thank you, Mr. Persico. How can I help you?
Me: I lost my credit card or perhaps it was stolen and ……….
LCCO: Did you say stolen?
Me: No! No! No! I did not mean stolen. I am sure it was lost.
LCCO: Do you know where you lost it?
Me: I haven’t a fuckin clue!
LCCO: Well, it generally takes between ten and fifteen business days before we will reissue a new card to you. Perhaps your old card will turn up. You can call us back after ten days and we will process a new card for you.
Me: I would like to do that now. Can you make an exception. We have many of our auto bill pays on this card. Our phone company has already rejected our monthly cell phone payment. I need a new card to reestablish this account, or I will not have any cell phone service.
LCCO: I am very sorry for your inconvenience. I can forward you to our Exceptional Claims Department and they will be happy to help you further.
Me: No, please do not forward me. Isn’t there some way that I can get a new card sooner than two weeks.
LCCO: Please hold the line while I check with my supervisor on that question
TIME DELAY: Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep
Me: Are you still there? Is anyone there?
Phone: Please hang up and dial again, you are no longer connected.
Goodbye!
|
||||||||||||||||
|
Aging Capriciously 