Aging Capriciously

I was up in the Casa Grande mountains this morning where I do either a morning run or a morning hike.  Suddenly, I looked up and saw a large object overhead.  With further perusal, I realized that it was a balloon.  Now I have seen many balloons over the mountains in the past twelve years, but this one was different.  It was large and round like so many are but this one was painted with red, white and blue stripes like an American flag.  Why I wondered would anyone paint a balloon with red, white, and blue stripes?

I was well aware that a Chinese surveillance balloon had been spotted over Montana and today another one was spotted over South America.  It has been in the news for the last two days about every hour.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that if the Chinese wanted to fool us, what better way than to make a SPY balloon look like a hot air balloon with an American flag painted on it.  Who would suspect such a balloon.

As I continued to gaze at the balloon, I had the eerie feeling that I was being surveyed.  What if the Chinese were taking my picture?  What if they were scanning my body type and profile?  Could they send my picture back to Beijing?  The more I pondered these questions, the more terrified I became.  I realized it was time to get out of there and report my suspicions to the proper authorities.  Just as I started to leave, the balloon went hundreds, maybe thousands of feet in the air and headed to Picacho Peak.  It dawned on me that the Davis-Monthan Air Force Base is just a few miles south of Picacho Peak.  What if the balloon was going to attack the base?  I had to get home quick.

As soon as I got home.  I went on my computer to find the number for the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).  I Googled “CIA phone number.”  All I could come up with was an address to contact them at:

To contact OIG, please send mail to the following address:

Office of Inspector General

Central Intelligence Agency

Washington, DC 20505

This would not do.  This was an emergency.  It was a matter of national security.  I tried again and found the following phone number for the CIA:  202–418–5000.

I dialed the number and was answered by a robot which said:

“You have reached the “Commodities Futures Trading Commission.”

Could this by a subtle ploy to hide the real identify of the CIA?  I decided that the number listed for the CIA must be wrong.  After numerous searches, (it took me about an hour) I found a number for Mr. William Burns, the Director of the CIA.  I can’t give you his number as it is classified, but I will describe my conversation with the CIA.

CIA:  Who do you wish to speak to?

John:  Hi, this is a national emergency.  I want to speak to the Director, Mr. Burns.

CIA:  Mr. Burns is busy now; would you like to speak to his secretary?

John:  No!  NO!  This is an emergency!  I just spotted another Chinese Surveillance balloon over the Casa Grande Mountains.

CIA:  Could you tell us where these mountains are?

John:  Everyone knows they are in Arizona.

CIA:  Can you hold please, while we find someone to talk to you?

John:  Please hurry, the balloon is headed towards an airbase.

A “SHORT” HOLD OF 30 MINUTES

 CIA:  Hello, I am the assistant to the assistant to the assistant for Mr. Burns, how can I help you?

John:  I just spotted a Chinese Surveillance balloon over Picacho Peak.  It is headed to the Air Force base in Tucson.

CIA:  How do you know the balloon is Chinese?

John:  Because it is designed to look like a hot air balloon and it is painted red, white and blue, with the American flag.

CIA:  This sounds serious.  We are recording this information.  Have you contacted anyone else about this?

John:  No!

CIA:  Good, then we want to advise you to say nothing to anyone else.  Are you planning any trips soon?

John:  Well, we have some Chinese friends in San Francisco who we were going to visit in April.

CIA:  My God!  You have Chinese friends?  How long have you known them?  Do you think that they could be spies for the Chinese government.

John:  We have known them for almost thirty years now.  I think they are in their late seventies and probably too old to be spies.

CIA:  They could be much younger and made up to look like old people.

John:  I doubt it.

CIA:  Look, there is a security risk here.  We advise you to terminate your vacation plans immediately with this family and do not mention anything about our conversation with them.  Can you give us their address?

John:  I would rather not.  I don’t’ think we should get them involved.

CIA:  Look, who is more important?  Your friends or your country?

John:  Can I have some time to think about it?

CIA:  Have you ever heard of the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  This is the highest award for a patriotic American citizen, and you could be in the running for this award.

John:  Do I get any money with the medal?

CIA: That might be arranged.

John:  Ok, I will give you their names and addresses but you must promise that I will remain anonymous.

CIA: You have our word (Crosses his fingers behind his back while he says this).

John:  I have got to go now; I hear someone knocking at my door.

I hung up my phone and walked to my front door.  Opening the door, two tall White guys in suits with dark sunglasses were standing there.  I asked them “What can I do for you?”  The older of the two guys said “We are from the CIA, we are placing you in the witness protection program for your own good.  Get some clothes, we must leave immediately.”

“Can you wait a few minutes while I tell my wife”, I said.

“It is better if no one knows where you are going or why.  The less people who know the better.  This is an issue of national security.  Hurry, we don’t have much time.  By the way, do you have any papers or documents around that belong to you?”

“Well,” I replied, “I have several unpublished blogs that I started but did not finish.”

“Okay, we want those documents.  They are now classified TOP SECRET documents and belong to the US government.  Gather them up and let’s go.  We want you to put the following message on your voice mail in case anyone tries to call you.”

VOICE MAIL MESSAGE:

You have reached the voice mail of John Persico Jr.  I have gone away for a while.  I do not know when I will be back.  If you see any balloons in the sky or have knowledge of balloons that do not look like helium balloons, toy balloons, weather balloons, or hot air balloons, please leave the following details:

• Where did you see the balloons?
• What suspicious activities were these balloons up to?
• Which direction where they headed?
• What was your last contacts with any ethnic Chinese people?

BREAKING NEWS:

The Balloon has been shot down over the Atlantic Ocean. The Republican response to this crisis has been summarized by the Governor from Texas:

“The China balloon flying over the U.S. is a direct assault on our national sovereignty,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott tweeted on Friday. “Biden’s refusal to stop it is a dereliction of duty. From flying balloons to open borders, Biden has no regard for our national security and sovereignty.”