Aging Capriciously

You have one year to live! What if your doctor told you today that you had only one year to live? It’s not a pleasant thing to think about, but it might be true right now. Who among us can know the day of our death? We all know people who were healthy and active and died unexpectedly. We also know people who smoked, drank and never exercised and died rather more expectedly. Nevertheless, none of us know the exact day we will die. My sister was a smoker and like my father she was diagnosed with cancer. They predicted she would die within six months and she lived nearly four years longer. Neither my father nor sister had a very active or healthy life. Neither of them lived to the expected average age. My father was sixty when he died and my sister was fifty four. They both had ample warning to get their lives in order but both did little or nothing about it.

Perhaps too many of us live with no thought of dying because we “assume” we have a great deal more time to live. Maybe we are young and think we will live forever or maybe we regularly work out and think this will prolong our life. By assuming we will live longer, we put up with a lot of stuff that we would be better off dealing with. We stay in dead in jobs, we ignore things we really want to do, or we put off living until we are retired.

Are you waiting to live your life? If you died today, would you have any regrets? If you thought about the possibility that this proposition was true (that you only had one year to live), would you do anything different? Do you think you would try to get your life in better order? What do you need to do to make this next year the best year of your life?

What matters most in your life? Do you want to find out? There is a simple way to do this. Take out your checkbook and your daily scheduler. You must be entirely honest with this exercise. Looking at both your checkbook and your calendar for the past week or month, where are you spending your time and your money. Make a list of the areas that you spent your most time on and most money on. Did you spend 100 dollars on a charity but 300 on eating out? Did you spend 24 hours in the past month watching TV and four exercising? If so, then your priorities would suggest that dining is more important than charities and that watching TV is more important than exercising. Your time and money does not lie. It says what really matters in your life. The doing is more convincing then the saying.

What do you say really matters in your life? What do you like to think really matters most in your life? If you are consistent with your values, then where you spend your time and money today will match your values and priorities. This is the true indicator of what is important to you and what you really value. The rest is wishes and dreams. Deny it if you want to, but actions speak much louder than words and we will all be remembered by what we do more than by what we say. This is a very difficult fact for many of us to reconcile. We all have many ideals that we espouse but unfortunately we don’t take the time or effort to live up to them.

Where are you spending your time today? What do you really value? Do they match? If not, what do you need to change in your life to bring it more into alignment? Are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to bring your values into alignment with your behaviors?

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.” (Macbeth, V, v, 19, Shakespeare)

The above passage is perhaps the most famous speech in literature, spoken by Macbeth after learning of his wife’s suicide. Why does this macabre and depressing analysis of life hold so much meaning for us? Is it because, like Macbeth, we sometimes feel a powerlessness and futility to life? What is our “recorded time?” Is this the time we are destined to live? Do you believe the time and date of your death is fixed?

I think it might be inevitable to believe that we are fixed by fate and that life is controlled by forces and events beyond our power to influence. Nevertheless, we see countless examples of people who have changed the world for the better by denying the concept of predestination and fate. Macbeth brought his own destiny upon him by his greed and avarice. We go through life making choices and these choices decide what we will become. We are more than candles and poor players upon a stage. We may not quite be Nietzsche’s Superman, but we are a great deal more than fools and idiots. We are not all powerful but neither are we powerless.

I am always reminded of the serenity prayer: Please help me to know the difference between those things I can change and those things I cannot. This is one example of pure wisdom. We can change some things and we cannot change others. What will you become if you do not try? What can you change today in your life? What needs to be changed that you have felt powerless to change? What destiny are you following that is painful? Who can you find that could help you change? There is always someone out there who can and will help you? Do you need to find that person today?

Westminster chimes are a harmonic symbol of time for some people. Karen (my spouse) who is very musical pointed out to me that sounds often represent time for us. The ticking of a clock, the coo coo bird in an old fashioned grandfathers clock or the bells chiming at noon in many towns are all tuneful measures of the role that time plays in our lives.

There are many songs that sing about time or make reference to time; perhaps the most famous being Auld Lang Syne. Robert Burns (the famous Scottish Poet) is known as the restorer of this song via his poetry which was based on perhaps an earlier version that was lost or wherein only a few parts remained. This song is known throughout the world and popularly associated with the end of the old year and the bringing in of the New Year. The three words can be translated as “old long ago, or old long since.” It is about old friends and old times that were forgotten and about the joy of looking forward to new times and new memories.

The verse “should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind” is a question we never answer during our New Years celebration, but it really does deserve an answer. When do we forget old friends and move on? When do we try to rekindle a past friendship? Who gets to be forgotten and who should we remembered? Are all old friends worth keeping? When do we need to forget some and move on? How do we decide whom to forget and never bring to mind? I still wrestle with this problem and I wonder how you decide. I would love to hear your thoughts on old friends and acquaintances.

This year when you sing this song, sing all the verses and in the traditional circle perhaps share who you remember and who you will forget. It will be quite an interesting New Year.

Quantum changes represent breaks in the continuity of time. Linear times measures changes in specific fixed intervals. Quantum change happens when something “jumps”, i.e., it defies our normally ordered thinking about time. Sometimes, these special events are called discontinuities because they represent a break in the normal chain of events. Our lives in this country underwent a quantum change after 911. While we can argue about whether or not the bombings could have been prevented, there is little or no argument that they completely disrupted our life patterns not only in the US, but in other parts of the world. The changes 911 caused in the US had ripple patterns that have affected the entire history of many other nations and cultures.

Quantum changes seem to be unpredictable and can have enormous impacts on our lives. Getting married or divorced might be a quantum change for some people. Death though predictable as to the eventuality is not predictable as to the time and manner. Death can cause quantum changes in the lives of many people connected in some way to the loved one. Even distant connections can be impacted by the death of someone we know or hear about. Witness, how many people were affected by the death of Princess Diana. How will your death affect others? Who will be most affected? What long-term changes will your death have on the lives of others in the world? Remember the John Donne poem:

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend’s were.
Each man’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

Chronos in Greek mythology was the god of Time or the god of the ages. When something is arranged “chronologically”, it means it is ordered in time, usually from oldest to most recent. I once heard someone say, it is a shame we are not born backwards. If we were, as we grew older and wiser, physically we would grow younger and healthier. This is an interesting idea but not likely to happen soon. We read about a mythical fountain of youth or some magic that will unlock the aging process and we will never grow old. Actually, there are serious researchers looking to find a cure for aging who believe that ageing could be cured as we cure any other disease. Imagine taking a pill or a shot to cure “old” age.

I am not going to hold my breath for any of these aging fixes. Of course, I may just have my body frozen cryogenically so that I can be revived at some time in the future when our health systems have cured whatever disease I die from, including old age . Or I may just be cremated and have my ashes scattered to the four winds so I can become part of the universe again.

What will become of you when you die? Will you be buried, frozen, cremated or stuffed? My wife refuses to have me stuffed, which I thought was a good way to keep me around and in memory. How do you want your memory retained by others? Does it matter to you?

Time is a prison. My friend Bruce says “We live either projecting into the past or the future and we seldom reside in the eternal now. The present moment is eternal and timeless. Eternity is not time forever, but rather timelessness.” Thus, our thinking about time traps us into living in some other present but not in our current reality. Time becomes a prison from which escape is futile. We cannot escape our past, our present or our future. We live only in the moment and there is no escape from that. There have been numerous time travel stories wherein the hero/heroine is about to have some disaster befall them and suddenly time travel kicks in and they are whisked from one time period to another time. But this ability to escape our destiny by being whisked from one time period to another is still a fantasy.

Time is a prison in other ways as well. Some of us are trapped in an image of ourselves that may have changed or evolved but we cannot recognize this fact. Some of us may be trapped in memories of things long gone. Some of these memories may be accurate but some may be pure myth. It is amazing how events can evolve with the passing of time. Our memories of reality may bear very little resemblance to what really happened. Some of us may be trapped in the future. We dream of things to come or wish we were someone else. Dreams can be prisons if we do not take the energy and risk to make them become reality.

The only reality is the present moment and what you are doing this second. You cannot be stuck in the present since the present only exists for a moment. As soon as you think about the present, it is over. Your dreams and regrets have or will have become fantasies and myths. If time is a prison, is there any escape? Some of us may try our entire lives to escape from time. The prison of time exists only in your mind. Change your thoughts and you can leave this prison anytime you want to. What about your life do you want to change? What keeps you in the past? What do you have to do to accomplish your dreams of the future? Are you living in the present?

It is a time of happiness. After thinking about times of sorrow, it seems right that we should reflect on the times of happiness in our lives. It is easy to forget the times of happiness when we are feeling pain or sorrow. As in the sorrows in our life, most of the things that bring us the greatest happiness have to do with people. Money, possessions, material goods and things never bring true happiness.

Karen and I have gone on many trips over the years to other countries. We have been to over 30 countries and almost all of the US and Canada. On several of these trips (but not all) we have been fortunate to make friends with people. Sometimes, it has been with local people we met accidently and other times it was with people we stayed with or did some business with on our trip. Without a doubt, the trips where we met people have been our most fun, memorable and happiest trips. Sartre is reputed to have written that: “Hell is other people.” Perhaps this is true at times but it is even truer that “Happiness is other people.” People bring us the joy and pleasure in our lives. People create the warmth and empathy that validate our existence and our undertakings. Things and objects do not validate or create warmth or support. When you are down or feeling depressed, you cannot talk to your car or boat or house. When you want to feel recognized for something you have accomplished, your things will not provide such recognition.

Whether it is your family, your children, your spouse or your friends, there is hardly a day that goes by when you are not thinking about them, playing with them or working with them in some way. All of these interactions are what life is really about. It is not about richness in things, it is about richness in people. The time that we spend with people brings happiness and joy to our lives. True, people can disappoint, hurt and disrespect you, but eventually you move on and look for new relationships or you try to rebuild and make your old relationships better. The time that you spend building relationships with people will be rewarded many times over. Would we do this if people truly were hell?

Think about all the happiness in your life today. Think about your past happiness. Who has helped to bring joy to your life? What relationships do you need to spend more time on? What relationships need to be changed? Spending time on relationships will be the most valuable time you can ever spend.

Have you ever been told “It is a time of sorrow?” There are many times of sorrow for each of us in our lives. As much as we may try to escape these sorrowful times, they are inescapable. From birth to death, our lives are punctuated by times of sorrow. Fortunately, our sorrows are interspersed with happiness. Each of handle sorrow in different ways, but we all share the pain, grief and suffering that goes with it.

Most sorrow comes from loss, loss of people we love or care about. While we might have sorrow over things, it is never as deep or painful as sorrow over people or even pets that we loved. The loss of a loved one seems to leave a deep hole that never quite fills. We continue to think about them long after they have gone. Little things bring back the memories and times we shared. Sometimes, we think happily but wistfully about what might have been or what we should have done or said.

Sometimes the sorrow is deep and sometimes not so deep, but always it will be lingering. Remember the song, “I am a man of constant sorrow.” I think that song resonated with many of us because life sometimes seems overwhelmed by sorrows. As we grow older, we face more and more of these sorrows. We know that it is inevitable that our friends, pets, relatives and loved ones will pass away. We know that we too shall pass. However, it isn’t our coming death that is most sorrowful for us. In fact, of all the people whom we know will die in our lives; our own death will probably be the easiest. Our spouses or parents will most likely be the hardest. I joke with Karen that I want to go first, but we both know it is no joke. I am being selfish. I don’t want to deal with the sorrow. The number of spouses that die very shortly after their loved ones seems beyond mere coincidence. It is hard to continue life without someone who loves you or someone whom you have spent most of your life with. It may be easier to fact death than to face sorrow.

How do you deal with sorrow? What sorrows linger in your life? Do you honor or ignore your feelings of pain and grief? Do you accept the sorrow that some days bring or do you try to ignore and shut them it out?

“There is a time for sowing and a time for reaping, a time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to tear down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.” – (Solomon, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). This psalm from Solomon is perhaps the greatest quote on time ever. It is undeniably recognized the world over for its profound wisdom. It reflects a world where everything has a place and a purpose and the role of time is an overarching foundation for the purpose of life. Today we weep for a lost friend or spouse, tomorrow we rejoice over a marriage or birth. Today we fight a war for justice and tomorrow we negotiate for peace.

We think we control time. We believe that we control life and even our own destinies. The reality is that we have control over some things and some (perhaps the vast majority) we do not. Solomon’s wisdom counsels us to accept the ups and downs of life. It speaks to life as a flow wherein everything has its place. It counsels us to develop our own wisdom as we progress through life and face its inevitable joys and sorrows. Do not be saddened by the burdens of life, for tomorrow is always a new day and it will bring new times and new opportunities. You have as much to be optimistic over as you do pessimistic. Optimistic people are happier and live longer.

We may not always be able to control time but we can always choose how we want to spend our time. We choose our attitudes and we chose the meaning of time to us at any given moment. I can decide to do what I think is important today or I can spend my day in trivial pursuits. I can work today to make the world a better place or I can bemoan the lack of good TV programs and its excessive commercialism. Some days I will be successful and others I will not be in controlling my time. Perhaps today is a time for failure and tomorrow will be a new opportunity.

What is your time for today? Life is often a series of cycles, do you live and accept your cycles or do you try to force your time according to some schedule? Do you accept the ups and downs of life? What downs are the most difficult for you to accept?