Mr. Holten was kind enough to grant me permission to reprint an article that he wrote as a columnist for a number of major newspapers. I was very moved by his article about grieving and the death of a loved one. I have written many blogs on the subject of love, death, dying and loneliness over the past 13 years but none of them come close to the images and memories that Kevin’s article evoked in me when I read his piece. It is simple and short but quite poignant and moving.
The Following Story is by Kevin Holten:
If I was going to write a love song, this is what the title and/or chorus would be: “I can’t love you, because I don’t want to have to say goodbye to you someday.”
You see, on earth, love hurts. Which seems so wrong because, if anything shouldn’t hurt, it should be love.
Which reminds me to ask you this question: Do you know what the most painful thing in life is? It’s when there’s nobody left.
My grandmother died on her 99th birthday. She laid in her hospital bed, the day before, with her arms held upward. And my mother had enough insight to ask her what she saw.
“My sisters,” she replied. They were beckoning her.
“If you want, grandma,” my mom said to her, “you can go with them. We’ll be okay here.”
And the next day, on her birthday, as winds fueled another winter storm, she did just that.
Thinking back now, it hurts to think of how lonely she might have been. As the youngest of 12 kids, she’d outlived them all. Plus, her husband and my uncle, her son.
Oh sure, she had my dad (her son), my mother, us kids, and many grandkids. But no one to share the very early years.
And it must have been so different early on, when she was growing up and surrounded by so many brothers and sisters with so many kids, and even nieces and nephews almost her age. There was no direction that she could look and not have family in sight.
Of course, I’m sure she thought it would be that way forever. But nothing on this earth lasts forever. Instead, it never lasts long enough.
My mom’s dad used to tell me the same thing when I was a kid. “Yah, yah,” he’d say, “they’re all gone now.
He lived to be 96, and this was a man with six kids and plenty of grandkids to pack a house every holiday. But he had no one there to talk about the very early years. The “Olden Days” as they used to call them. And I know that had to hurt.
“I can’t love you because I don’t want to have to say goodbye someday.”
As I look at him now, at the images stored in my mind, I can see that he felt alone, even in that crowd.
One day some years ago my dad and I drove out to where he, his brother and my grandparents lived when he was in grade school, high school and when he went off to war. It was by then a barren farm/ranch yard on a hilltop with the only mementos being rusty tin cans and grandma’s old cook stove on a rock pile.
Some tears snuck out of my dad’s eyes while we were there that day. Because, after all, there was no one else left who also knew about the things that took place there when he lived there. He was with me. But he was alone.
Irish poet and writer, Brendan Behan, once said that at the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.
That’s it isn’t it? When someone close to you dies, the part they have of you dies too.
Aging Capriciously 
Jan 24, 2024 @ 16:10:51
I am deeply moved beyond words…. thank you for sharing this. My thoughts and feelings about my father turning 98 in February is validated. He is a lone survivor of his family, most of his friends and colleagues have gone ahead of him as well…. a big part of me is hanging on by a thin thread… Thank you for this post.
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Jan 24, 2024 @ 16:16:59
You are very welcome Lin. Give my regards to your father. This article made me realize how difficult the grieving process can be.
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Sep 06, 2024 @ 18:15:10
Half a year gone by since this post of yours and four months gone by since my 98 year old father passed away in May….
The void inside of me brings me back to this post of yours… Im looking for a way to cope with the emptiness my father left inside of me…
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Sep 07, 2024 @ 15:06:17
Lin, I am very sorry for your pain. I hope you can find a way to remember your father and still cope with his absence. I think there is a balance somewhere that we all most find when we lose a loved one. I know some people do their best to expunge their memories by buying a pet or getting rid of memorabilia. Not sure how I would cope with Karen’s loss. I think I would be a vegetable for awhile but I would never get rid of the things that we bought or shared together as some of my friends have done. I wish you the best on the journey you are taking through no choice of your own as inevitable as it is.
Karen wants to add some comments to mine. It’s been almost 30 years since my father died. There have been many tears, and at times (like now) they still continue. I have many precious memories, and I talk to him frequently. The reality of death hasn’t faded, but just accepted. If I listen carefully, he “talks” back to me. My sympathies go out to you. Karen
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Sep 07, 2024 @ 18:00:18
Thank you for your kind words John and Karen. Much appreciated. I purposely kept this post of yours in my email thread for when that letting go moment arrived…
My balance is much better today than it was a few months back. I am better able to cope with the empty space and like you, I have precious few memories I keep around me which helps me cope daily with ease.
Karens words bring me great comfort and validation… I do talk out loud to him, I wave at his necktie hanging on my chair as I wake and start my day and when tough moments arise, I find myself asking him for his guidance. And yes, I do hear him talk back! Thank you Karen for this validation.
I lost my sense of purpose and just needed a helping hand with your wisdom. Thank you John and Karen…
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Jan 24, 2024 @ 19:50:55
Yes, but those we love who have died also live on in us. They’re always there.
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Jan 24, 2024 @ 22:15:27
Yes, I think that’s a good point Jane.
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 06:22:43
I should have added that this doesn’t lessen the pain. 😥💕
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 09:52:03
Jane, this is a quote by Thomas Jefferson which I heard many years ago. There is a story behind it which is quite interesting.
“I see no comfort in outliving one’s friends, and remaining a mere monument of the times which are past.”
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 10:43:01
I get it, big time, but be careful not to set yourself up for this to be your inevitability. I know several people in their 90s who find joy in many gatherings with others. That’s especially true for those who are matriarch or patriarch of a large and close family.
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 11:53:38
Thanks Jane, I get it. You love the Golden Mean. I try to subscribe to it as well but my cynical nature often gets the best of me.
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 12:20:02
😂😊
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 17:00:24
I will try to stick around a few more years Jane. Got a few more things that I want to do before I kick the bucket. By the way, the term “Kicking the Bucket” has some truly gruesome associations. John
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 04:51:15
A moving post John.
I like to think of Lord Tennyson’s quote:
“Tis Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 09:52:44
Margaret, here is a quote by Thomas Jefferson. Somewhat different perspective
“I see no comfort in outliving one’s friends, and remaining a mere monument of the times which are past.”
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 12:44:49
I see what you mean John – if we’re fortunate enough to reach this milestone it can perhaps be a bleak time. Yet it’s another experience we get to go through – perhaps one we don’t particularly enjoy and that’s why ‘we’ often get called ‘old grumps’ at that age! 😉
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 16:57:31
I have a t-shirt Margaret that says “Its weird being the same age as old people.” Studies show that most of us “Old People” do not feel as old as we really are. I don’t feel old except when I try to do the things that I did ten years ago when I was REALLY young, like 67. 🙂
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 08:29:39
Thanks for sharing such a powerful article. I like Jane’s point earlier that we/they live on in memories but I also get the point of the lone survivor having witnessed it a few times. I currently get the statement from an older brother-in-law who has lost all his sisters and friends his age, the only friends he has left are younger ones who didn’t experience his life. It is a traumatic period of life for sure.
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 09:51:12
Wayne, are you familiar with this quote by Thomas Jefferson
“I see no comfort in outliving one’s friends, and remaining a mere monument of the times which are past.”
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Jan 25, 2024 @ 10:54:20
Good comment, thanks.
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