Aging Capriciously

Last year at my 40^th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now almost a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”

I am going to complete one or two reflections every other day for the next few weeks.  I would love it if you would do these tasks along with me.  If you would like to share your thoughts, that would be great, but I am not expecting anyone to do so.  I would like to know if you find any benefit in completing these activities.

The worksheet started with these instructions:

Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”

2. These are the experiences that I have cherished.

Confucius said that there are three ways that we gain wisdom.  We may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.  I think Confucius, as wise as he was, perhaps missed the mark somewhat when it comes to experience.  Many of the experiences that I can reflect on in my life have been positive.  Forgive me if I sound Pollyannish, but a good friend of mine once told me “There are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned.”  I believe the full quote is as follows.

 “There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.  There is no such thing as a negative experience, only opportunities to grow, learn and advance along the road of self-mastery.  From struggle comes strength.  Even pain can be a wonderful teacher”—  Robin Sharma

Looking back on my life, I can put my memorable experiences into three buckets.  The first is Travels and reflects the places that I have visited and lived in.  The second is Education.  This bucket contains not only the road to my degrees but more importantly the paths I have taken to gain knowledge and wisdom of the world.  My third bucket is the People that I have had experiences with.  Many a day, I think about the famous line from French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre’s 1944 play “No Exit” that “Hell is other people.”  If there are any of my buckets with negative experiences, they are primarily in this bucket.  Conversely, my greatest experiences in life are also in this bucket.

Travels:

Does the man make the travels or does the travels make the man?  Another one of those chicken and the egg questions.  Karen and I have been to 44 countries now.  We have also been to 49 US states, and I have been to every Canadian province.  My biggest takeaway from these travels is twofold.  First, is that every place we have gone has been unique, interesting, and beautiful.  Every place has been beautiful in its own way.

My second takeaway is that every country has taught me something about the diversity of life.  There are poor people in every country and there are rich people.  There are people who discriminate against others and there are people who are discriminated against.  No country that I have visited is free from some form of discrimination.  However, the common or average person in every country is a good person.  A person who wants to live and let live.  A person who wants to be happy and successful and is willing to work hard for it.  In many countries life is hard, but the people persevere.  Americans talk about our exceptionalism.  I have never been to a country where I did not think the people were exceptional.  My greatest learning from my travels was the realization that I need to be humble.  I learned never to think that I am special or deserving of more than my share of the universe because I am an American from the USA.

Education:

Once upon a time, I wanted to learn everything about everything.  I thought that going to school was where my dreams would be fulfilled.  By the time, I reached the 9^th grade.  I hated school.  I just wanted to be able to go to a library and read all day long.  My teachers received much of my inability to adjust to the so-called “Education System.”  To me, it was a “Dis-education system.”  A system where creative and innovative ideas were beaten out of students in favor of standardized answers on standardized tests.

By the time I got out of high school, I wanted nothing to do with education ever again.  I soon realized that I was not against education, but I was against schools and traditional classrooms.  Years later, when I was 25, exigencies of business life persuaded me to go back to get my sheepskin.

My favorite book was “The Sheepskin Psychosis” about the addiction that America was having in respect to getting a college diploma.  But I was ready to take another try on the merry go round and see if I could grab the brass ring.  I applied my military training and GI Bill and went from a BA to a B.S. to an M.S. to a Ph.D.  I used two key principles to do this.  1^st. Keep my mouth shut and never disagree with any teachers.  2^nd.  Hold onto my seat through rain and sleet and snow.

Today, I am the proud owner of four diplomas and the first person in my family to ever go to college. I learned most of what I know through books that were not on the approved college reading list.  I decided to read a book that was not assigned for every book that was assigned in any of my classes. The books I selected to augment my college textbooks would be ones related to the subject but where a more contrarian view on the subject was taken.  This allowed me to get a broader perspective on most subjects that I had studied.

My education has taught me the following:

• A college degree does not make one smart.  Many idiots have a college degree
• A college degree does not provide a moral and ethical foundation for life
• College is just one possible steppingstone on the path to a successful life
• Knowledge is secondary to wisdom
• Kindness is more valuable than knowledge or any diploma
• The wise person knows that one learns throughout life and not just when in school

People

When I was in the retail field, I met many people who thought that their jobs would be great if there were just no customers to deal with.  We have all experienced a version of the “I think I am the customer, sorry to bother you for service” that seems endemic today.  It is true that many customers can be real pains in the butt.  I mention this because people, including friends, relatives, spouses, and strangers can all make our life more difficult at times.  However, like the customers in a retail store, we need to remember that our lives depend on these other people.

I have found that in terms of personalities people can be divided into three groups.  There are the “Things” people who will love to talk about and learn about cars, animals, technology, rockets, AI and other “Things.”  When you engage with a “Thing” person, he/she will be more interested in talking about their tractor than your recent vacation.  I generally find things very boring to talk about.  My concern with things is whether or not they work like they are supposed to.  I am not interested in the aesthetic or history of things.

Then there are the “Idea” people.  I put myself in that category.  I would rather discuss theories, hypotheses, algorithms, concepts, and knowledge than any other subject that I can think of.  Books, lectures, podcasts, TED talks, and documentaries are the source of ideas and I spend much of my life devoted to sorting through these media for new ideas that interest me.  Ideas that I think will make my life more interesting.  However, what is interesting to me is boring to the “Things” people.

Finally, there are the “Relationship” people.  You might call these the “People” people.  They can spend hours discussing friends, family, acquaintances, funerals, birthdays, weddings, and other relationship related issues.  My wife Karen and my sister Jeanine fall into this category.  You put them together and they can talk for hours (my wife says days) about grandsons, nieces, nephews, cousins and whomever they know or have a relationship with.  My conversations in this area are usually very brief.  I find little interest in knowing who or what anyone else may be doing.

About now, you may be wondering which category you belong in.  You might also be rebelling against a gross category scheme like the one that I have described.  If so, you could be thinking, “Life is more complex than this.  Sometimes I am into People, sometimes into Things and sometimes into Ideas.”  I won’t disagree with you, but I will say that in general I think we all have one preferred modality.

Well, since I am not a “Relationship” person, what do I cherish about people?  Certainly, not their inconsistencies, hypocrisies, phobias, biases, prejudices, and lack of rationale thinking.  In fact, it is the very opposite of these things that I think make people interesting.  It is the ability of people to live irrationally.  People have faith, love, and hope when any rational assessment would say they are fools.  If we were all rational beings, we would probably never fall in love and we might all yearn for a short life rather than a long life of protracted diseases and an unknown appointment with death.

Karen is a “Relationship person.”  We share very similar values, but we approach life very differently.  She is the perpetual optimist.  She will forgive and forget where I might forgive but not forget.  She loves the arts, crafts, and music elements of life.  She is a practitioner and participant of the arts while I remain an observer.  She is a kind person who trusts everyone without experience with them while I trust no one until I have known them for quite some time.

Nevertheless, my greatest joy in life is spending time with Karen and living somewhat vicariously through her experiences with People and Things that I cannot fathom.  For instance, she has just spent six days at a quilting retreat.  You could not pay me to spend six hours at such an endeavor.  She can spend days practicing for a music performance when I would not have the slightest desire to spend one hour rehearsing anything.  I have seen Karen take an hour undoing a piece of knitting that she has just been working on for three or more hours.  I shake my head wondering how she can do such a thing.  “Who would notice I think.”  Karen would have no problem identifying with Michelangelo’s comment about the Sistine Chapel:  “If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all.”

And that my friends is what makes life great.  The fact that there are so many different people out there and they are not just like us.  Imagine a world where everyone was your clone?  That would surely be hell.

Next Reflection:  

3. These are the convictions I have lived by.