Aging Capriciously

A Political Play in One Act:

Place:  A campaign headquarters somewhere in America.  Two political campaign advisors sit discussing campaign strategy for their candidate:

Jake:  A ten-year veteran of smear campaigns

Bryan:  The head campaign manager for a Republican candidate for office

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Jake:  I hear the Democrats have nominated some guy named Jesus Christ or Jesus of Nazareth.  Sounds like a foreigner to me.  Do we have anything on this guy?

Bryan:  I had two aides dig up a bunch of stuff.  This guy has a checkered background.  I think we can really nail his ass to the cross.  I have five major areas that I think we can get him on.  Let’s go through them together and see what you think.  We need to prioritize our attacks.  Maybe start with the biggest ones first?

Jake:  Yeah, the sooner we destroy his credibility the better.  The more we can dump on him, the more he will drop in the polls.  So, what have you got?

Bryan:  Well first of all.  He claims he is some sort of itinerant preacher who can heal the sick and raise the dead.  But he does not have any theology training or any bona fide theology degrees.  And he is practicing medicine without a license.

Jake:  Beautiful.  We will nail him for being a fake faith healer and being incompetent as well.  Imagine preaching without a degree from a Bible College?  As for the license thing, I have some friends in the FBI who can start an investigation and maybe even charge him with a felony for practicing medicine without an MD degree.  What else have you got?

Bryan:  This guys got a bunch of followers but one in particular named Judas would be willing to go on Fox News and denounce Jesus as a fake and hypocrite.

Jake:  How much does he want?

Bryan:  He says for only thirty pieces of silver, he can make Jesus look really bad.

Jake:  Okay, we will run with that first.  How about several ads with Judas talking about Jesus being a fake faith healer and not following his own advice.  Let’s get them running as soon as possible before he builds up any momentum.  The press will eat this up.  Anything else?

Bryan:  I was saving the best for last.  You won’t believe this.  He has a platform called “The Eight Beatitudes.”  He wants to take from the rich and give to the poor.  Some type of income redistribution.  He says the “meek will inherit the earth.”  This guy is obviously a Communist.  He says a rich man will have less chance of getting to heaven than a camel would have of going through the eye of a needle.  He tells story after story of rich people getting screwed.

Jake:  Unbelievable.  What is this guy a total idiot?  Man, we will bury him with this.  We will label him as “The Communist Candidate.”  Has a ring to it.  I will tell all of our Fox Media outlets that they need to start an “anti-communist” line on this Jesus guy just as soon as they can.  I want radio, tv, podcasts describing how he plans to increase taxes on the rich and give it to the poor.  The usual stuff we label Democrats with: More welfare queens; Tax and spend; Soft on crime.  Does he say anything about crime?

Bryan:  I hear he hangs around with prostitutes and pimps.

Jake:  That’s great.  We can bring up his anti-family values as well as coddling criminals.  Any evidence he is screwing any of them?

Bryan:  Some of our informants say that he has a girlfriend, but we don’t have any corroboration for that.  He may be gay.  He is not married, and he hangs around with a lot of young men.

Jake:  See if we can follow up on the queer angle.  Hanging around with young men sounds suspicious to me.  Anything else Bryan?  I think we have enough to go on with just what you have already.  The key thing though is I would like to find more people who can testify what an asshole this Jesus really is.  Find some people he didn’t cure or some rich people like Elon Musk who will condemn Jesus.

Bryan:  One last thought.  He may be an Anarchist.  He talks about tearing the capital down and building it up again in three days.  He also talks about changing the law.

Jake:  OK, have someone follow him and get some good tapes of his talks.  Spread some money around and see if anyone else will come forth with some juicy stories about this Jesus.  I think he is dead already.  Crucified by his own ideas and words.  He won’t come back in three days; I can promise you that.   Jesus is history.

The End   

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