Aging Capriciously

Do you remember the song that went: “I’m a slow lover?” In the movies, all love making seems to go on forever, despite the fact that it really occupies only about 1 or 2 minutes of screen time. However, the lovers generally start in the late evening and are still making love in the twilight hours of morning. Well, love making is still one of those things that seem to be best going slow. How many people want a “fast” lover? Of course, there are those days and times when fast loving making has some merit. Nevertheless, what is less conducive to romance than watching the clock? Even fast love making requires a loss of time consciousness.

Making love by the clock has not become fashionable yet. Our chronic excuse of “no time” does not play well when it comes to love making. However, love making is something that as we get older we sometimes find we must schedule. When we lead a hectic and busy life, some things easily get left out. There may be psychological imperatives for love making, but seldom are the physical imperatives so urgent that time cannot be a barrier to a good love life. As with all else in a relationship, time, money and love making must all have their proper balance.

Karen and I have been married now for over 20 years. A while ago we attended a weekend Marriage Encounter. There were 23 couples at our weekend who ranged from engaged and due to be married in two weeks to one couple that was married for 42 years. I was somewhat skeptical about the value of a weekend talking about love and romance. After all, I have never been a shy person and I have always thought I was open to any ideas and discussion. What I found really opened my eyes. Despite the weekly family talks with Karen, we both found that there were many aspects of our lives that we had not shared. Some of this was due to time constraints. Problems seemed to dominate our weekly agenda and we seldom had time to talk about the “other” stuff. Stuff like how we like to do things sexually and how we like to be touched or held or talked to. We have now decided to balance our “problem” time with more just good discussion about ourselves and life.

Do you have a balance in your love life? Do you spend enough time nurturing your love life? Are you able to find the time to take love slowly? How do you keep your balance in this area? What would it take for you to find the balance that you need to have a more satisfactory love life?

Where have all the Minute Men gone? The term “Minute Men” refers to those revolutionaries during the American War of Independence who purportedly could be ready to fight in a minutes notice. If you think about that, it is quite a remarkable feat. Can you imagine a soldier in our armies today getting ready to fight with one minutes notice? Can you imagine anybody of today doing anything with one minutes notice? Getting ready to go out to dinner – 2 hours; Getting ready to go to work – 1 hour; Getting ready to go camping – 4 hours. Maybe getting ready to go shopping might be accomplished in one minute, but the shopping itself would be good for ½ day.

We are in more of a hurry to do things, but we really cannot do anything very fast. When I was in the service, our motto was “hurry up to wait.” We are always hurrying around only to face gridlock on the freeway, traffic jams, crashed IT systems, lines at the checkout counters and unexpected cancellations. There is pure irony in the fact that as we speed up, we actually slow down. We talk about speed and the fast pace of life, but it takes us longer to do everything. Even “instant” microwave meals may take four or five minutes to cook; but do you know anyone who really lets them sit for two to three minutes after they are done?

I once took a course in motorcycle cornering at the Elkhart Lake Speedway sponsored by Keith Code’s Superbike School. Keith who was a former racer and highly respected for his training had a mantra. It went like this: “You must go slow, before you can go fast.” I have sense been able to apply that mantra to other areas of my life. If you do not have the right technique or the right attitude, haste will only make waste.

What if we had a One Minute-Person Society (open to men and women)? Would you join? What might an organization of people brag about being able to do in one minute? What do you do in one minute that you could brag about? Why?

“Tomorrow’s another day” is the famous quote from Scarlet O’Hara in “Gone with the Wind.” This was perhaps one of the most powerful and dramatic endings to any story ever told. Most of us were touched by these words and few who have heard them will ever forget them. Have you ever wondered why these words were so powerful? Why do they touch us all somewhere deep in our soul? I believe it is because they blend an element of self-forgiveness with recognition that each new day is the possibility of a new beginning. Self-forgiveness is evident, because Scarlett is not going to spend a great deal of time in self-recriminations. She is simply going to start again.

The new day “tomorrow” represents for Scarlet is a new start to life. It is her resurrection and her birth. Each day we can choose our life, our goals and our behavior. The simple but powerful phase “tomorrow’s another day” allows us to be reborn. It allows us to become free of the past and to start a new beginning. Each day of our lives offers us this possibility if like Scarlet we are willing to grasp it. We can have a new life or we can have an old life. We can continue on the path we have chosen or we can find a new path. Each path can be a risk but life is a risk. Without risk there is no change and no chance to live more fully. We wake up each morning to a new set of choices. Each choice offers opportunities and each opportunity has its set of risks.

How many people do not see or understand the inherent possibility that tomorrow brings for each of us? Do you see each tomorrow as a new beginning or as more of the same? What will it take to help you realize the hidden possibilities in each new tomorrow? Do you start each day with a sense of joy at the opportunities it presents? Why not?

“Its only 4 AM!” Says Karen in what most seems like the middle of the night to her. “Sorry, I am awake.” The former dialogue has often occurred between Karen and I. I am a morning person. I love to get up early and begin my day. Karen is a night person. She loves to sleep late and stay up late. She cannot understand that anyone would want to get up at 4, 5, 6, 7 or even 8 AM. Thus, on those occasions when I arise earlier than she can conceive anyone wanting to, I often hear: “What time is it? You’re not really getting up!” Well, I am and I love it.

Sometimes it is just so much fun to be up before the world starts to move and no one is out and about. Maybe it is because I love to watch the sun rise or maybe it is because I love to do things and can hardly wait for a day to start that will be full of new adventures and exciting things to accomplish. The way one views the world may have a lot to do with how one greets the day. On the other hand, maybe it is how one views time. If time is precious, then starting out early means, I can make the best use of it and that I will have extra time to do what needs to be done. Many would say that it is simply genetic. Some of us are larks, some of us are night owls, and it is all in our constitution. Night owls love the night time and greet the day with less than enthusiasm. Larks sing early in the morning but go to bed shortly after sunset.

How do you greet the day? Can you hardly wait to get up and start your day? Do you start your day slow or do you start it with a bang? Have you ever been up at 4 AM and started your day off? Would you rather wait until 10 AM and then start off slowly but surely? Do you honor your style or do you try to fit into a mold that others want you to?

Rocks and Zen and Time! Thirty years ago, I belonged to a Zen Monastery where twice a week I would go to sit Zen and meditate. Some of the people lived there and others were commuters like me. The master was a renowned Japanese Zen expert and we all felt he must truly be enlightened. One of the women who lived there told me that once when the master was going to travel back to Japan he asked her what he could bring back for her. She told the master: “I really love ancient and old objects and could you bring me back something very ancient.” When he returned, he had a present for her wrapped in a package and tied with a bow. She was very excited and could hardly wait to open it. When she removed the present from the package, her excitement dropped as all she found was a rock. She looked at the Zen master with great disappointment. He saw her disappointment and said “You wanted something very ancient. This rock is more than 100, 000 years old.” She then understood the message that he was trying to impart to her. Most of us are like this young woman. We think we know the real value of things, but often we are only concerned with images, names and brands.

Rocks are not valued by many people but they are truly old and ancient. Rocks are proof that time itself is not the major factor that decides the value of an object. The real value of anything is not in the name, the image or the age. Antiques are valuable because they evoke nostalgic memories or because they remind of us something that we associate with a better life. Time is one of the most precious things in the world, however we never realize the value of time until it is in short supply. How many of us wish we could live a moment over again or retrieve some moment in time that was ill spent?

Does the law of supply and demand govern the value of time for you or does your time conform to rules of branding and imaging? How many people do you know who love to express their importance by being ever so busy and never having any time? Why do you value time? What in time creates value for you? Would you know a gem from a rock when it comes to time?

You may have heard the phrase “The transient nature of being.” This is just another way of saying that life is short and passes all too quickly. Transient means passing with time or of short duration. Being can mean living or existence. Thus, the phrase in one sense means to live a life of short duration. However, in another sense it implies a deeper more philosophical appreciation of life. To understand our transient nature is to accept that we are all just passing through one level of existence or being which we call earth and humanity. On another level, the possibility exists of many planes of existence which we may eventually or perhaps inevitably pass through. Each plane exists for us as a transient phase but the entire process continues forever and is thus eternal and universal. Our life as we know it on earth may be transient, but our spirit and soul will live eternally and continue to migrate through these other planes of existence. Well, this is one theory.

Perhaps life is not transient and perhaps it is just a cycle of “from dust to dust.” Some of us want to believe in a life after death and others believe in reincarnation. However, some of us may not believe in either. For some, life ends with death and we return to the earth that created us. This latter view does not elevate humanity above the other creatures and species that walk the earth. People are just one element of the universe and no better or worse. Why should people have souls and be reincarnated if bugs and mice are not? Perhaps it is because we have minds that can create concepts like “transience?” But what if transience only exists in our minds? Would we stop living or would we be more careful of the lives we live today? Think of the numerous people who throw their lives away everyday. Do you suppose they worry about transience?

What is your concept of being? Do you think life is too short or too transient? Do you think you will be recycled? Will your recycled life be better than your present life? Why? What is going to make it better for you? What if you could live to 300 years of age? Would you live a better more fulfilling life? Why or why not?

Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) is the gold standard of time. It is the measure for time used around the world. GMT defines both time and place for the entire world. All time is measured relative to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) and all places have latitude (their distance North or South of the Equator) and a longitude (their distance East or West of the Greenwich Meridian).

As the United Kingdom grew into an advanced maritime nation, British mariners kept their timepieces on GMT in order to calculate their longitude “from the Greenwich meridian”, which was by convention considered to have longitude zero degrees. This did not affect shipboard time itself, which was still solar time. Eventually, GMT became used world-wide as a reference for time as well independent of location. Today we still talk about GMT time but probably not as often as we do GPS time. Global Positioning Systems are gradually replacing GMT as the standard by which we set our watch and cell phones world wide.

Think of the precision that has occurred in time setting over the last twenty year or so. Watches were once accurate only within minutes. Today, we set our watches and clocks to within seconds of the world standards for time. When you look at your cell phone, it is probably being automatically calibrated to a GPS time standard. You know longer have to worry if you watch is running fast or slow or needs winding. If I say I am going to call you at 5 PM, I can call you within seconds of this time and there is an excellent chance your clock or watch will say 5PM when I call you. This would have been unheard of ten year or so ago. You might be saying well “so what.” However, this precision allows us to coordinate millions of events world wide without losing minutes and seconds of wasted time. This translates to billions of dollars worth of savings in time and energy. In a global system, where time is increasingly more valuable than money, this savings of time is a wonderful benefit to modern life. Well, a benefit to some. For others, it is really a case of “who cares.”

Do you care? How concerned are you about time? Do you see time as a valuable resource or is it something that just ticks by without your giving it a care? Do you have the right balance for time in your life? Are you too obsessed with GMT and GPS time or not obsessed enough?

Thursday is the day we are on the downward side of the week. In some countries, Thursday is the fourth day of the week and in others, it is the fifth day of the week. It was first named after the Roman god Jupiter. In English, Thursday became “Thor’s Day”, since the Roman god Jupiter was identified with Thor in northern Europe. Thor was the Norse God of Thunder. The Scandinavians believed that as his chariot crossed the sky, Thor wielded a hammer that shot lightening through the clouds.

When we think of Thursday now, we probably don’t think of Gods and Thunder any more. We are probably thinking “Tomorrow is Friday, one more day to go this week.” Even though many of us love our work and miss it when we are on vacation too long, the freedom of the weekend and what Saturday and Sunday represent beckons us the entire week. We mark the days until the weekend. Each week becomes a journey we take and on the way, we pass through Thursday. It is not the most remarkable day in the week nor is it the hardest day in the week. Its primary significance seems to be that by the time Thursday comes around; we know that tomorrow (Friday) will be the END of the week. Of course, if you work weekends this will not be true. If you do not work a standard week, then very likely Thursday will not have the same meaning for you.

What does Thursday mean for you? What notable or special events in your life do you associate with Thursday? What is the single best thing that ever happened to you on a Thursday?

It was destiny! Pete Seeger is one of my favorite singers and one of the most remarkable people in the world. The song from which the refrain “it was destiny” came was “Who Killed Davey Moore.” The story of a boxer who dies in the ring and no one will claim any responsibility. Pete shows us our own hypocrisy and cynicism as we all manage to sidestep any responsibility for the death of another human being. We can all walk away not feeling guilty and keep telling ourselves that these things just happen.

Don’t say ‘murder,’ don’t say ‘kill.’
It was destiny, it was God’s will.”

God just seems to work this way in the world. People die and it is destiny. Destiny implies that all of our life and hence all of our time is “predetermined.” Whatever happens is going to happen. We have no choice and no alternatives. Hence, it is destiny and we cannot be blamed for destiny, can we? To subscribe to this philosophy seems like the ultimate pessimism to me. I will never accept it. I will never believe that you and I cannot make a difference in the world. The evidence is irrefutable. Abundant examples exist of people who for better or worse have made a difference in the world. The world would be a much different place without the numerous courageous and sometimes cowardly people who have tread its dominions.

Today and tomorrow each of us has the power to make a difference that can substantially change the world for the better. When I kick the destiny excuse, I start taking responsibility for my time and for my life and for the rest of the world. There is no destiny other than a set of choices we make on how we will spend our life. We create our destiny by these choices. We create the destiny for the world we live in. This world reflects the millions of daily decisions made by you and me and our neighbors. What destiny will you create today? What choices will you make that can change the time of the world and your own time? Can you make those choices with a good heart and compassion for yourself and others?

One second in Dallas is the time that it would have taken to make a difference for John F. Kennedy and the world. If Oswald had either pulled the trigger one second earlier or one second later, history as we know it would be very different. As you think about it, throughout the past, there have been many times when one second either did make or could have made a difference that changed the world.

When you think about your own life, perhaps you have had the same close calls. One second at a red light or one second before you moved might have saved your life. One second is the smallest practical unit of time measurement that we use. We often take our seconds for granted. Like pennies today, we allow them to be discarded or we ignore them when they are just lying on the ground. Yet, our seconds are the most precious moments we have. The seconds with a loved one before they pass away or the seconds that bring us wonders we never anticipated. Many of the most important events in our lives are over in seconds and will never be repeated.

I was sitting at a fireplace outside with some friends the other night. It was nearly 11 PM and the sky was very clear. The moon was not too bright but there seemed to be a million stars in the sky. I turned around to see where the Big Dipper was and suddenly there flamed the beautiful trail of a shooting star as it blazed across the night sky. I turned around back to the others who were sitting around the fireplace and yelled, “Look at the shooting star,” but it was too late. Not one of my three friends had seen the slightest trace or sign of the beautiful star I had just witnessed. It was over in less than a second. The other three people intent on watching the fire or some bit of conversation had missed one of the most moving events in the world. Life can happen that fast and often does.

Thus, the words “Live each second to the fullest” and you will live a very full life make a great deal of sense. “If you watch the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves.” If you watch your seconds, the minutes and days will take care of themselves. What are some seconds that have made a major difference in your life? Have you had some seconds that you will never forget? What difference has one second made to you? Do you squander your seconds or have you learned to be frugal with life?