Aging Capriciously

March- the third month of the calendar. When you think of March do you think of the Ides of March, the March Hare or the “March” of time? In Minnesota, March is a time of iffy weather. March is often the last gasp of winter and it can be the snowiest month of the year or it may bring warm weather and an early spring. There have been a few years of late (most likely due to global warming) where I have even had my motorcycle out for an early run in March.

March 21st is (at least officially) the first day of spring. However, few in Minnesota expect to see flowers blooming yet. We will be getting the old ice houses off the lakes and putting away the snowmobiles. March was originally the first month of the Roman calendar because the winter months of January and February were unsuited for warfare. Military campaigns could begin as soon as the weather was suitable for “marching.” Today when March rolls around, we start thinking that summer cannot be far away. For many of us, particularly those who like to do things late, tax preparations will need to be finished before the April 15th deadline.

Many other Minnesotans will be returning from their winter sojourns to Florida, Arizona and Texas. These “fair weather” Minnesotans are called “snow-birds.” Snow-birds fly south about January or December each year and return when they sense the last days of winter are over. Minnesota probably has more snow-birds than any other state in the US. Not a bad way of living if you are rich or retired or have a portable job. For the rest of us, we must endure and hope that March is really the harbinger of warmer weather. Still, none but the foolish will put their snow throwers in storage yet.

What does March mean to you? What holidays, festivals or traditions stand out most for you in March? What do you do in March that makes it unique for you? Is March the beginning of your spring or the beginning of your fall? If you live in the southern hemisphere, no doubt you will have a different set of associations and expectations for fall.

“Synchronicity is a word coined by the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung to describe the temporally coincident occurrences of a-causal events.” (Wikipedia). In common language, this means that two things seem to both happen together that are unrelated. Often, we have the distinct feeling that while they may seem unrelated on the surface, there is more than coincidence at play. Some people might say they were preordained and some might say it was predestination but none would simply call these events simply random or lucky.

When things happen that seem to be beyond possibility and beyond all coincidences we wonder if other forces are at work. Statisticians might scoff at this idea (are we positing divine intervention or a psychic phenomena?) but most of us have had something happen that we cannot just write off to chance. The day when you have just been notified that you lost your job and the phone rings with an offer of a new job. Or the day when you were just ending one relationship and someone new comes into your life. Or the day when you were down to your lost dollar and suddenly you find that you overpaid on your electric bill and are due for a rebate. Many people believe that these are not random events and that there is a definite “synchronicity” to the world/

What if things in the world were more predestined then we would like to believe? Some people believe our deaths are written in a book somewhere and that no matter what we do or how we live, we will meet our maker on a fixed day. An interesting story is called “Appointment in Samara” that deals with this subject. In the story, a man’s effort to escape his fate is futile. What if your efforts to escape fate were futile? Suppose many events and occurrences were preordained or fixed in a cosmic clock, how would that affect your life? What if you did not have as much control as you thought you had?

What events in your life do you think you have less control over? Does synchronicity play a role in your life that you have not acknowledged? Is life a balance between those things you can control and those you can’t? Have you found the right balance in your life?

According to one theory of time, events mark time. Without events, there is no time. We measure time by births, deaths, disasters, significant milestones etc. But is this all that time really is, the passing of events? Sometimes it seems this way as we count the weeks by each day passing and the months by each week passing and the years by each month passing. The seasons pass and soon our brief lives are over. The historians tell us what has been significant and what is worth remembering.

However, do we really only measure time by the passage of events? What if we stopped chronicling our bios, happenings and daily events? What if we could simply forget them as soon as they passed? Have you ever dwelled on some event long after it was over? Or, kept repeating some problem or issue in your mind? Some people can do this all their lives. We might tell them to “get over it” and move on but they are stuck in the event. They are still living in high school or college or with their first love. These individuals seem to be unaffected by the passage of events. They have found the one significant event for them and they want to stay with it forever. We all know somebody who fits this description. They cannot seem to move on with their lives. The big event might have been a tragedy, a touchdown pass or a fantastic vacation, but they will relive this over and over again. To some degree, we all do this. There are key people and events in our lives that we will never forget. However, we all must move on at least some of the time to continue growing and developing. To stay in the past is to relinquish the opportunity for new pleasures and new adventures. The past is safe though and the future is uncertain. That is what keeps many people stuck. Who wants to take the risk associated with moving forward and embracing the unknown?

How do you deal with the flow of life? Are you sometimes stuck in the past? Where are you stuck? What do you need to do to move on with your life? What events or issues can or should you forget and just let go of? What is holding you back? Are you afraid of the future?

A hare and tortoise ran a race and we all know who won! This Aesop fable is probably familiar to most of the human race. The moral is that slow and steady wins over speed. Of course, this story grew out of a time when things were much slower than they are today. Would the turtle still win today? I am not so sure. What if the answer was no? What if speed were so important today that it did not matter how steady you were? Indeed, there are many areas of our lives where speed today is essential. Target Stores advertise their culture as “Fast, Fun and Friendly.” Notice that fast is the first “virtue” of working at Target that you must embrace. When was the last time your boss told you to take things slower? Times change and today speed has become increasingly important. Drive too slow on the freeway and you can get a ticket. The poor turtle today would probably get run over.

Nevertheless, the Aesop story still has a great deal of merit. Several studies have shown that we are really less intelligent when we attempt to multi-task. When we try to do too many things at the same time, we really do few of them well. Look at the most successful people in the world and you will find that they bring a great deal of focus to what they are doing. Success requires vision but it also requires focus. It is hard to find focus when you are trying to do three or four things at the same time. It is almost always an issue of finding the right balance in our lives. When do we need to multi-task and when do we need to really focus and do only one thing at a time? The Greeks understood the important of balance as it was written on the Temple of Delphi “All things in moderation.”

Can you really drive well and talk on the cell-phone? Are you always in a multi-task mode? When do you allow your life to go slower? Are you the proverbial hare that always loses the race? Where do you need to go faster today? Where do you need to go slower?

Patience is a virtue. A virtue is a character trait valued as being good. Saying that patience is a virtue also implies that patience is a good value. Indeed, many of us would like to have more patience in our lives. Patience allows time to flow without undue anxiety or anger. Patience alleviates stress in our lives. Patience cures road rage. A great deal of violence could be cured by a greater amount of patience in the world. All of the great prophets and leaders have shown inordinate amounts of patience. This is not to say that leadership always invokes patience. Sometimes leaders and prophets have demonstrated that even patience has limits.

So how do we get more patience? How can we become a more patient person? At my annual retreat, the Retreat Master spoke of those who pray for patience and complain that their prayers are not answered. He said “Praying for patience is like me praying to have muscles like Arnold Swartzenegger and then expecting God to just give them to me. I am here to tell you that you will have to do more than just pray. You will have to exercise to get muscles and you will have to exercise to get patience.” Furthermore, he went on, we are all given many opportunities each day to practice and exercise our patience. Think of the number of times each day you are upset or short with people whom you do not have time for. Think of the number of times you are in a hurry. Each of these is an opportunity to practice patience. Only by continuing to practice will you gain more patience.

The next time you are at a light and someone fails to move, take a minute to observe and practice patience. The next time you are at a long line in a grocery story, think about practicing patience with the coupon holder in front of you. The next time someone cuts you off on the road, practice patience. See how many times today you can practice patience. How many opportunities did you have? How many times did you succeed? Keep practicing. Practice makes perfect.

Timing is everything. How often have you heard this comment? It implies that success goes to the person with the right timing. If you watch a good athlete, you can see the importance of timing over factors such as strength or power. A good golf swing is an example of this. Some sports are power sports and require less skill than sheer strength. Skill sports like golf, tennis, fencing and karate may require or put more emphasis on timing than other sports. Nevertheless, it is hard to imagine any sport where timing is not important. Great comedians must have perfect timing or they will find their jokes going right over the audiences head. Photographers talk about the importance of timing in getting those great pictures. Business is full of opportunities that are time sensitive. Today, you may have an opportunity to make a fortune and tomorrow it is gone. Good business opportunities will always be seized by someone else, whose timing is better.

So, how do we get our timing to be better or is it all just luck? Can we improve our timing? The answer is yes, but it takes practice and patience. Great timing comes from practice and repeated failures. It takes time to get great timing. People are not born with great timing, it is something we develop. The person you envy because of their great timing is someone who is practicing their skill or activity on a regular basis. When you see someone in good shape at 80 years of age, do you think they were born that way? I will bet my last dollar, they worked at staying in shape by watching their diet and by making sure they got plenty of exercise. They put lots of time into it and they did not just get lucky. Too often we ascribe success to luck. Luck is factors beyond our control. Happily, success is within our control and has less to do with luck than it does with practice and hard work. Good timing is a result of both practice and hard work.

Where do you need better timing in your life? In what areas, do you feel that your timing has been weak or off the mark? What skills or activities do you want to be better in? Can you make a schedule to practice these skills? Do you have the patience? Can you find the time to improve your timing?

Rome wasn’t built in a day. How often have you been given that little bit of wisdom? You probably think you know what it means. It seems self-evident. Several years ago, Karen and I went to Rome and while we were there, we advised ourselves to “just do like the Romans do.” One day over dinner, Karen said to me “Well, just what do or did the Romans do?” I honestly could not say. I only know they do not drive like we do. In addition, while I thought I knew what it meant when we say “Rome was not built in a day”, I also could not tell you how long it took to build Rome. In fact, if it were like any other city, they were probably still building it when it “fell.” Many works are never finished; they are simply “works in process.” Thus, Rome was probably not ever really built since it was never finished. Cities and countries are always works in progress.

The same holds true for people. We are not built in a day or even a lifetime. We are never finished as people until we die and even then we will not be finished. I think of the growth I want in my life and I realize that after having worked on patience for at least the last three years, it will certainly not be obtained in a day or probably even in my lifetime. Many of my friends also doubt it will be obtained in my lifetime. More likely, if I keep trying hard and working at it, I may find myself getting more and more patient, but never reaching the apex I would like to achieve. The best I may be able to do is to be more patient than I was yesterday and the day before that. My creating a patient persona is a work in progress. I will definitely not become patient in a day and maybe not even in a lifetime.

The real goal is not to finish but to make progress with your life. When we work a little each day on something, we eventually create our own individual Rome. Do you get bored easily or give up easily on things? Are you working on long-term goals and sometimes getting frustrated over your rate of change? What could you use as a more realistic measure of change to gage your progress? Who could help you to stay on track? Can you find a mentor or coach or friend who will provide you with encouragement? It is difficult to build Rome by yourself.

“Do you have time?” How often are you asked that question? Have you ever really thought about what it means? Of course, you say “I know what it means.” However, do you really? When people ask you if you have time, are you being asked for space, for a priority, for help, for support, for money or something else? What is it that they want your time for? In some respects, it is a silly question, since of course you have time. The real question is do you have time for them. Even more to the point, is the issue of whether your priorities and expectations match up with their priorities and expectations? Do you have time to walk their dog? Do you have time to help them with their report? Do you have time to watch their children?

We are asked this question many times a week. What goes into your decision to “make” time for others? Do you make time for people you really like or for people who you think have influence over you? Whether or not we have time will often depend on how important something is to us or how important we view our relationship with the person asking for our time. We are all very busy people, but we will take the time to help those we really care about or if the issue is something we are very interested in. The answer “no, I don’t have the time” more likely means that it is not important or interesting to me. The time I am willing to give to others can have a very ego-centric aspect to it. I give time not because I have it but because I want to. Of course, at work, if my boss asks me, I will probably have time since I want to keep my job.

Who do you really make time for? Are you selfish or generous with your time? Do you only have time for those with power over you or for those whom you love? Are you giving your time to the right people? Are you generous or selfish with your time?

Time has often been the theme or plot of many stories. Days repeating themselves, people living life over again, people being born in the future etc. Time travel has been a very popular theme. Several movies have been made involving the concept of traveling back or forward in time. Often the plot involves the futility of trying to change the future or the negative effects from trying to change the past. This creates what could be called the “time paradox.” If you could go back and change things, then why would you need to go back in the first place? Another dilemma time travel poses is how anyone could be alive at two places at the same time. Inevitably, the person going back discovers the futility of trying to change time. In Déjà vu, Denzel Washington was able to surmount the time paradox and successfully changed the future. Of course, it is not explained how he managed to exist at two places at the same time, but the movie is very entertaining.

Some movies have dealt with the theme of “stuck in time” as in the movie “Ground Hog Day.” In this movie, the main character Phil (played by Bill Murray) is a weatherman assigned to cover Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania, where every year a big to-do is made about whether or not the ground hog comes out and sees its shadow. The outcome of this ritual is said to determine how much longer winter will go on. Bill is a disillusioned self-centered individual with a very cynical outlook on life. By some stroke of fate, he finds that he keeps waking up and reliving Groundhog Day over and over again. We surmise that he must keep repeating the day until he is able to get it right. He must develop a likable and lovable personality. The proof that he has changed lies in his ability to win the heart of a local woman played by Andie MacDowell. The character Phil is not only given a second and third but even gets a fourth and fifth chance to live his life over again and to get it right. How often have you wished you could change the past or keep repeating it until you got it right?

Now you might think that Phil was lucky and you will never get such luck but you would be wrong. Each day you get up, you have another chance to get it right. Each day is an opportunity for a new beginning and a new start. You have to make a choice. Will you keep doing the same things or will you change your life? What is one thing you would like to go back into the past to change? What if you could change it? How would your life be different today? The choice is yours to make.

“The problems of today versus the problems of tomorrow” is a choice we face each day. Whether to deal with the reality of life staring at us this morning or to deal with those issues that will be more important in the future? That is the real question. It is very difficult to put off fire fighting or problem fixing (short term) in order to do problem resolution or problem prevention (long-term). Dr. W. E. Deming, one of the great business leaders and thinkers of the Twentieth Century often used this phrase about the “problems of today versus the problems of tomorrow.” He counseled business leaders to run their organizations by balancing the problems that confront them on a daily business with the long term strategic issues that the organization needed to address for survival. One of his favorite comments was “putting out a fire in the hotel, does not improve the hotel.” When you think about it, as necessary as it might be, putting out fires rarely improves ones long-term position in the world.

This bit of Deming wisdom is something I try to use to manage and improve my own life. Merely focusing on today’s problems does not prepare me for the future or any real growth. It is easy to live day by day and not plan, not save and not grow for the future. How many people do you know that will not be able to afford to retire? How many people do not put money aside for their children’s education? How many people have finished their college education and never gone back to school for any further growth and development? How many people have a diet or exercise plan that they really follow?

If you are only living for today, what will your life be like tomorrow? There is a story about the man saving drowning people who had fallen in the river. He stopped pulling people out and someone said: “You can’t quit now there are still people coming down.” He replied: I am not quitting, I am just going up river to find out what is causing so many people to fall in.” There comes a time when you must stop putting band-aids on life or when you must get to the root of the problem. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You will always have to deal with short term crisis. But if your life has no room for the future, you will just keep on having these crises. This goes for money, relationships, marriage or children. The best relationships all take time to build for the future. The issue is not how to do one or the other, the issue is how to manage all of them. It is how to manage the problems of today and the problems of tomorrow.

What do you need to plan for your future? What problems in your life need to be solved immediately? How can you balance your problems of today with your problems of the future? What future problems are you ignoring or not planning for? Why? Who could help you with these problems?