Aging Capriciously

Chronos in Greek mythology was the god of Time or the god of the ages. When something is arranged “chronologically”, it means it is ordered in time, usually from oldest to most recent. I once heard someone say, it is a shame we are not born backwards. If we were, as we grew older and wiser, physically we would grow younger and healthier. This is an interesting idea but not likely to happen soon. We read about a mythical fountain of youth or some magic that will unlock the aging process and we will never grow old. Actually, there are serious researchers looking to find a cure for aging who believe that ageing could be cured as we cure any other disease. Imagine taking a pill or a shot to cure “old” age.

I am not going to hold my breath for any of these aging fixes. Of course, I may just have my body frozen cryogenically so that I can be revived at some time in the future when our health systems have cured whatever disease I die from, including old age . Or I may just be cremated and have my ashes scattered to the four winds so I can become part of the universe again.

What will become of you when you die? Will you be buried, frozen, cremated or stuffed? My wife refuses to have me stuffed, which I thought was a good way to keep me around and in memory. How do you want your memory retained by others? Does it matter to you?

Time is a prison. My friend Bruce says “We live either projecting into the past or the future and we seldom reside in the eternal now. The present moment is eternal and timeless. Eternity is not time forever, but rather timelessness.” Thus, our thinking about time traps us into living in some other present but not in our current reality. Time becomes a prison from which escape is futile. We cannot escape our past, our present or our future. We live only in the moment and there is no escape from that. There have been numerous time travel stories wherein the hero/heroine is about to have some disaster befall them and suddenly time travel kicks in and they are whisked from one time period to another time. But this ability to escape our destiny by being whisked from one time period to another is still a fantasy.

Time is a prison in other ways as well. Some of us are trapped in an image of ourselves that may have changed or evolved but we cannot recognize this fact. Some of us may be trapped in memories of things long gone. Some of these memories may be accurate but some may be pure myth. It is amazing how events can evolve with the passing of time. Our memories of reality may bear very little resemblance to what really happened. Some of us may be trapped in the future. We dream of things to come or wish we were someone else. Dreams can be prisons if we do not take the energy and risk to make them become reality.

The only reality is the present moment and what you are doing this second. You cannot be stuck in the present since the present only exists for a moment. As soon as you think about the present, it is over. Your dreams and regrets have or will have become fantasies and myths. If time is a prison, is there any escape? Some of us may try our entire lives to escape from time. The prison of time exists only in your mind. Change your thoughts and you can leave this prison anytime you want to. What about your life do you want to change? What keeps you in the past? What do you have to do to accomplish your dreams of the future? Are you living in the present?

It is a time of happiness. After thinking about times of sorrow, it seems right that we should reflect on the times of happiness in our lives. It is easy to forget the times of happiness when we are feeling pain or sorrow. As in the sorrows in our life, most of the things that bring us the greatest happiness have to do with people. Money, possessions, material goods and things never bring true happiness.

Karen and I have gone on many trips over the years to other countries. We have been to over 30 countries and almost all of the US and Canada. On several of these trips (but not all) we have been fortunate to make friends with people. Sometimes, it has been with local people we met accidently and other times it was with people we stayed with or did some business with on our trip. Without a doubt, the trips where we met people have been our most fun, memorable and happiest trips. Sartre is reputed to have written that: “Hell is other people.” Perhaps this is true at times but it is even truer that “Happiness is other people.” People bring us the joy and pleasure in our lives. People create the warmth and empathy that validate our existence and our undertakings. Things and objects do not validate or create warmth or support. When you are down or feeling depressed, you cannot talk to your car or boat or house. When you want to feel recognized for something you have accomplished, your things will not provide such recognition.

Whether it is your family, your children, your spouse or your friends, there is hardly a day that goes by when you are not thinking about them, playing with them or working with them in some way. All of these interactions are what life is really about. It is not about richness in things, it is about richness in people. The time that we spend with people brings happiness and joy to our lives. True, people can disappoint, hurt and disrespect you, but eventually you move on and look for new relationships or you try to rebuild and make your old relationships better. The time that you spend building relationships with people will be rewarded many times over. Would we do this if people truly were hell?

Think about all the happiness in your life today. Think about your past happiness. Who has helped to bring joy to your life? What relationships do you need to spend more time on? What relationships need to be changed? Spending time on relationships will be the most valuable time you can ever spend.

Have you ever been told “It is a time of sorrow?” There are many times of sorrow for each of us in our lives. As much as we may try to escape these sorrowful times, they are inescapable. From birth to death, our lives are punctuated by times of sorrow. Fortunately, our sorrows are interspersed with happiness. Each of handle sorrow in different ways, but we all share the pain, grief and suffering that goes with it.

Most sorrow comes from loss, loss of people we love or care about. While we might have sorrow over things, it is never as deep or painful as sorrow over people or even pets that we loved. The loss of a loved one seems to leave a deep hole that never quite fills. We continue to think about them long after they have gone. Little things bring back the memories and times we shared. Sometimes, we think happily but wistfully about what might have been or what we should have done or said.

Sometimes the sorrow is deep and sometimes not so deep, but always it will be lingering. Remember the song, “I am a man of constant sorrow.” I think that song resonated with many of us because life sometimes seems overwhelmed by sorrows. As we grow older, we face more and more of these sorrows. We know that it is inevitable that our friends, pets, relatives and loved ones will pass away. We know that we too shall pass. However, it isn’t our coming death that is most sorrowful for us. In fact, of all the people whom we know will die in our lives; our own death will probably be the easiest. Our spouses or parents will most likely be the hardest. I joke with Karen that I want to go first, but we both know it is no joke. I am being selfish. I don’t want to deal with the sorrow. The number of spouses that die very shortly after their loved ones seems beyond mere coincidence. It is hard to continue life without someone who loves you or someone whom you have spent most of your life with. It may be easier to fact death than to face sorrow.

How do you deal with sorrow? What sorrows linger in your life? Do you honor or ignore your feelings of pain and grief? Do you accept the sorrow that some days bring or do you try to ignore and shut them it out?

“There is a time for sowing and a time for reaping, a time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to tear down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.” – (Solomon, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). This psalm from Solomon is perhaps the greatest quote on time ever. It is undeniably recognized the world over for its profound wisdom. It reflects a world where everything has a place and a purpose and the role of time is an overarching foundation for the purpose of life. Today we weep for a lost friend or spouse, tomorrow we rejoice over a marriage or birth. Today we fight a war for justice and tomorrow we negotiate for peace.

We think we control time. We believe that we control life and even our own destinies. The reality is that we have control over some things and some (perhaps the vast majority) we do not. Solomon’s wisdom counsels us to accept the ups and downs of life. It speaks to life as a flow wherein everything has its place. It counsels us to develop our own wisdom as we progress through life and face its inevitable joys and sorrows. Do not be saddened by the burdens of life, for tomorrow is always a new day and it will bring new times and new opportunities. You have as much to be optimistic over as you do pessimistic. Optimistic people are happier and live longer.

We may not always be able to control time but we can always choose how we want to spend our time. We choose our attitudes and we chose the meaning of time to us at any given moment. I can decide to do what I think is important today or I can spend my day in trivial pursuits. I can work today to make the world a better place or I can bemoan the lack of good TV programs and its excessive commercialism. Some days I will be successful and others I will not be in controlling my time. Perhaps today is a time for failure and tomorrow will be a new opportunity.

What is your time for today? Life is often a series of cycles, do you live and accept your cycles or do you try to force your time according to some schedule? Do you accept the ups and downs of life? What downs are the most difficult for you to accept?

Collecting stuff is a pastime for many of us. Actually, it might even be an obsession for some of us. We shop till we drop. We shop on weekends, we shop on vacations and we shop on holidays. In fact, shopping has become a holiday of sorts. We shop and shop and shop. The result is that we collect so much stuff that we now routinely have garage sales and flea markets just to get rid of the stuff so we have more room to collect more stuff. I have noticed that many of my friends (now facing retirement) are trying desperately to “de-clutter” by getting rid of stuff. Amazon is full of books touting how to organize your stuff, while E-Bay is full of stuff that people are trying to get rid of (at a profit of course). We may be moving from an upsizing home economy to a downsizing home economy.

When we are young, we want more and more stuff. Then, either because of age or space, we finally get to the point where we are inundated with too much stuff. Stuff begins to rule our lives. The amassing of so much stuff creates a problem. Just like companies that have too much inventory, many of us have too much stuff. We spend time storing it, insuring it, moving it, maintaining it and finally trying to dispose of it. You cannot even take old computers to the landfills any more without paying a fee. It would be nice to think that all of our old stuff could be recycled and that it would not end up as simply polluting the environment. Alas, I doubt this is yet happening on a large enough scale.

Why do we collect all of this stuff to begin with? Are we amassing some treasure? If you think collecting stuff is profitable, think again. Most of us would have been better off putting our money in a retirement fund or the stock market. Stuff usually sells for pennies on the dollar if you can sell it at all. Do we simply collect stuff to have the most toys or to keep up with the neighbors? In a designer society, is stuff the ultimate status of success?

Amassing stuff becomes a habit. It can actually become addictive. My wife and I still look at stuff and want some of it. We are drawn towards it like moths towards a flame. Antiques, collectibles, nick knacks, art, motorcycles, toys, games. You name it, we want more of it. Fortunately, we both realize that 1) We don’t need it and 2) We have no place to put it. Our attitude towards stuff has changed as we have grown older. Why did we collect so much stuff in the first place? Why amass so much stuff that we don’t need and has little or no value to anyone else? We laugh at packrats as they attempt to collect stuff for their winter nests. In reality, we humans are the greatest packrats of all time.

How much stuff do you have that you don’t want or need? How much of your life and time is dedicated to collecting, protecting, maintaining and disposing of the stuff you have collected? What if you had less stuff and more time? Would you be happier? Stuff is the enemy of time. Can you set up a frugal rule or a rule to de-clutter? It will make your life simpler and more satisfying in the long run. Stuff can never replace time and people.

Antiques hold a special allure for some people that I could never understand. Why would anyone want to buy someone’s old junk? Ancient items that people often bought out of necessity. Go to an antique store and it is full of things that our parents and grandparents gladly would have thrown out if they could have afforded anything better. Nevertheless, the growth of EBay and the thousands of antique stores that surround us are testimony to the allure of old items. And it is not just kitchen and household items.

Just look at the number of classic car shows that occur each weekend during the summer. Cars that never ran well, cars that broke down frequently, cars that had the gaudiest styles imaginable will all be lined up along city blocks. Throngs of admirers will saunter among the cars while the proud owners will sit in lawn chairs watching the people muse over their cars. How many times will they hear “I had one just like that when I was growing up?” Of course, most of these “antiques” are in much better shape now then when the aging baby boomer owned it. Newer engines along with updated electronics have probably made them much more reliable than when they were built.

As the baby boomer generation grows older, so does its fascination with nostalgia and all things old. Antiques are simply one way of reconnecting with the past and of fulfilling dreams that we missed in the years gone by. Nostalgia is defined as “a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one’s life, to one’s home or homeland, or to one’s family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time (dictionary.com).” Old objects are valuable because they connect us to what we remember as either an earlier or simpler or happier time. Time has a way of erasing the bad (perhaps more realistic memories) and replacing them with a dream of what our past should have been like.

Do you dream of living in the past? Do you ever get sentimental over “bygone” days? Have you ever bought an antique? What is your favorite antique? Why? Have you ever wondered what meaning it had for you? What in your past would you like to bring forward into your future? What would stop this from happening if you wanted it to? It is very interesting that despite our frenzy with progress and new development, a certain part of each of us will always be “stuck” in the past.

I love a rainy day. I don’t need to justify that “April showers bring May flowers.” While many people moan and groan about rainy cold drizzly days, I actually revel in them. Something in me feels peace and tranquility on a rainy day. For years, I simply accepted that I enjoy the “dreary” days that put most people off. My friends and spouse think me crazy because I will greet the rainy days of spring and fall with the same alacrity that they greet the sunny warm days of summer. Something in my nature loves the way that time moves on a damp rainy day. Whether it is simply drizzling or a full blown thunderstorm, there is something on those days that my soul resonates with.

After years of feeling out of sync with other people, I decided to try and figure our why I feel such affinity for a rainy day. The explanation I came up with had to do with my father’s rules about how I could spend my time. On “nice”days, I was supposed to go outside and play. On “bad” days, I could stay inside and do whatever I wanted to or nothing at all. I could hear my father saying to me “get your butt outside, it’s too nice to stay inside.” I found this insight rewarding since I could now understand a childhood rule that governed how I spent my time and indirectly what I could do and not do. Rainy days were “bad” days, so I got to spend my time doing what I wanted to do. Nice days (sunny and warm) I had to go out and do chores and go out and “be busy.” On rainy days I could curl up inside and read a good book and not have to do anything or go anywhere. Time and rain were intimately related. I became a lover of rain because it meant freedom and all the time to spend as I wanted to spend it.

I am now free to break this rule whenever I want to. Insight conveys power. Nevertheless, I still love rainy days, but every so often, I choose to do nothing at all on a nice SUNNY day. I chose to reverse my father’s rule. Understanding our hidden rules about time can be a liberating experience. Do you know what your hidden rules are about time? What messages do you tell yourself about how, when and where you can spend your time? Where did you get these messages? What messages that you received have kept you from doing things you would like to do? Are you free to break your rules now when you want to? What would help free you from rules that don’t add any value or meaning to your life?

Day running out and you still have a lot to do. There just does not seem like there is enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done. How often does it seem like your day just runs out and you have not accomplished anything? I begin some days with great intentions to work, exercise, write, get some chores done or start a new project. Something interrupts my momentum and it can be all down hill from there. A friend calls unexpectedly. I run out of something and have to go to the store to find a replacement. The car breaks down. The weather is good, bad or terrible. There are a million things that can turn the best plans into rubbish. I started off on the right foot, but the left foot never hit the ground.

Some days my momentum never gets off the ground. I don’t even seem to start off on the right foot. I have all of these good intentions but I just do not have the energy. Perhaps life seems overwhelming or I feel depressed or I ate too much the day before. I want to crawl into a hole and hide. I feel like a failure and the day has not even started. I need to get kick started. I need a coach or something to get me motivated. As my day begins to run out, I may try to put on a last minute burst of work to get some things done, or I might just say the heck with it. I will do it tomorrow.

Maybe, how we feel at the beginning of the day is life sending us a message. “Take it easy today; you have been stressing yourself out too much.” “Get in gear, you are full of energy and today is a great day to get things done.” We need to allow life to talk to us and to follow our more natural rhythms of ups and downs. Not every day is a barn burner or “I just climbed Mt. Everest day.” Allow a cycle of work, play and rest to become part of your life. Maybe we would all live longer and enjoy life more if we had more “down” days.

Does your life seem to follow natural cycles of play, rest and work? How do you think your life would be if it did? What would you have to change to create a more natural cycle time in your life? When was the last time you had a day just running out and you really did not care?

Is Time running up or is time running down? Yes, we usually hear the phrase “time is running down”, but what if time were running up? It’s hard to conceive of the idea since we are all so conditioned to think of time as only running one way. We use up time which causes us to think of it as running out or down. But think of time as a substance. For instance, if time were like water, you could fill a cup up with it. You could pour time into the cup. Instead of time running out, you have time running in. The problem would seem to be to find a faucet from which to refill your cup with time.

If time and money are interchangeable then we should be able to amass time. Just as a bank account could grow, so should a time account be able to grow. What if today instead of turning 60, I turned 59. Impossible you say. However, what if I turned back the clock by stopping smoking? What if I stopped drinking and started exercising? What if I gave up some unhealthy actions, overcame cancer, stopped speeding, reduced stress, moved to a safer neighborhood? If I did any of these actions, I could literally refill my life with extra time. Time would then be running up for me. The more healthy actions I take, the more my time would run up. If you do not believe this is possible, look at insurance charts that denote lifespan and longevity. On the average, the less health risks you have, the longer you will live. Thus, eliminate each health risk and you will refill your cup with more time for living. Not only will you have more time for living, but it will be higher quality time as you will be healthier and happier.

Have you ever seen anyone that suddenly looked younger instead of older? How many people do you know that have time running up for them? Which way is your time going? What could you do to put some time back into your cup? Maybe it will never run over, but it is possible to fill it up a little bit every so often. What one action could you take today to refill your cup of time?