Well, there are five important searches that we must make, but I am not going to talk about the one made famous by Dr. Viktor Emil Frankl. I am sure that you know the story of his search. He survived four different Nazi concentration camps where he lost his father, mother, brother, and wife. Dr. Frankl went on to write one of the most important books in history, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” Dr. Frankl argues that by finding meaning and purpose in life, even in the face of unimaginable adversity, individuals can endure almost anything.
In the next few weeks, I want to add four other searches to Dr. Frankl’s search. I believe that these are equally important to most of us. In fact, I might argue that to the average person, some of these other searches will dictate most of their lives. A particular search might take precedence over all others and drive how the person behaves, what goals they have and how they organize the daily activities of their lives.
I have one caveat before I begin. When Frankl wrote his book, it was common to use “man” as relating to all humans. That designation has been challenged on many grounds most of which I believe in and will not argue with here. I have thought of substituting the word “Humanity” but that seems too obscure or generic. “Humanities Search for” just does not resonate with me. Mankind has the same problem as “Man.” Thus, while perhaps ponderous for writing, I prefer to use “Man/Woman’s Search for.” This seems to more adequately define the fact which I propose that all of us, men and women search for these elements in our lives. We all live happier or more satisfactory lives when we can find some measure of them. The following are the four searches I will discuss over the next few weeks. I will discuss each by alphabetical selection and not by any order of importance. I believe that some may be more important to one of us and some to another.
Man/Woman/s Search for Acceptance
Man/Woman/s Search for Adequacy
Man/Woman/s Search for Authenticity
Man/Woman/s Search for Love
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Man/Woman/s Search for Acceptance
No one I assert deliberately seeks to be an outcast. Throughout history, one of the most severe penalties for crimes and non-conformance was to be exiled or excluded from a community. We all want to belong to something. For some it is a group, a club, a team, a state, a political organization. It may be a family, a business organization, a fraternal organization, a military organization. The list is practically endless. You would need an encyclopedia to describe the various organizations that people choose to belong to. For some the organizations are positive social forces like a church, a humanitarian group, or an AA group. For some the organizations they want to join simply provide an identify like Mensa or AARP. For other people, organizations like the Proud Boys, KKK and Neo-Nazis provide a means for practicing their hatred and bigotry.
The one thing common to all members of any organization is that the members are accepted if they conform to the norms, rules, and standards of the organization. In turn, the organization provides the member with a sense of belonging and identity. Go to any sporting event and you can watch this practice in action. Karen and I just came back from Door County, Wisconsin where we visited her cousin on Washington Island. We stayed overnight in Green Bay Wisconsin across from Packer Stadium at a Quality Inn. Everything in Green Bay shouts and screams that you are in Packerland. You might think that you had left the USA for another country. Green Bay flags, pictures, symbols, logos and information about Vince Lombardi and other stalwarts of the football team are prominently displayed everywhere you go.
When you adopt the Packers, you become a member of the Green Bay Packer Fan Club. Being accepted gives you a new identity. You are a Packer Backer, a Cheese Head. Being accepted means you now represent something great. You are part of one of the best football teams of all time. You can put your Packer shirt on proudly and everywhere you go in Wisconsin, you will be admired. You are no longer just Jane Doe.
Until and unless we are accepted into something, we remain simply shadows walking the earth. Once we are accepted, we have power and prestige. Our names and titles may now evoke shock and awe. Wearing a Hells Angel vest gives one a sense of power and respect that no regular leather or business vest can provide. It is not the vest but what the vest represents. People will get out of your way. Uniforms are simply one manifestation of the power that comes with acceptance. There are many other symbols that denote acceptance from logos, to pins, to nameplates, to certificates and diplomas. I still have my Ph.D. diploma to show that I was accepted into this academic group on September 21, 1986. A group which to some represents knowledge and intelligence.
The sad part about our search for acceptance is that people often want acceptance by the wrong groups and for the wrong reasons. I am thinking of the KKK as one example. A group of people bonded together by racism and hatred for people of another color. It is a pity that acceptance in such a group would be sought by anyone. One could almost create a continuum of groups that range from positive to negative in terms of worthwhile acceptance. The problem with such a continuum would be the bias that went into it. I am sure that people in the KKK feel that they belong to and are accepted by a group that provides a positive benefit to society. I would dispute this claim but how to prove it. Therefore, I posit two major questions that anyone should think about before they decide that acceptance by any group is worthwhile.
The first question anyone must answer is what do they expect to get out of the group? What kind of acceptance are you looking for? To borrow from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I think we must ask what need we are trying to fulfil by joining this group. Are we hoping to get an acceptance that will meet our needs for basic survival, our need for security, our need for love and friendship, our need for self-esteem or our need for self-development. Many groups yield benefits in all these areas once a person is accepted into the group. However, I think it is very important to be clear from the start what you expect to get by joining any group. This first question is a prelude to the second question.
What will gaining acceptance into this group cost me? The line from Matthew, 16:26 reminds us that, “What doth it profit a man if he gains the whole world but suffer the loss of his own soul?” Every human endeavor or activity comes with some cost. In business terms, we use a Cost Benefit Analysis to determine if the benefits will justify the costs. In terms of acceptance there may be costs beyond money to joining any group or club. You may find social and emotional costs attached to a membership. Will the benefits of acceptance by this group justify these costs? Do you have to sell your soul to the devil to get the benefits? The Mafia makes members take an oath never to “rat” on anyone regardless of what they have done. Many organizations have rules and codes which put the good of the group ahead of the good of society. Partisanship in politics is another example of where loyalty to a party soon negates the very reason that many people went into politics. Good intentions often go down the drain when a person is faced with losing acceptance in their identity group.
Conclusions:
- We search and we search but we may never find the acceptance that we want.
- We may feel accepted in one place but not in another: or by some people but not others. This is very normal.
- We may end up paying a high cost for acceptance. So, choose carefully.
- Acceptance starts with accepting ourselves. Acceptance by others is ephemeral.
Next week we will look at Man/Woman’s Search for Adequacy.
It is my belief that we all want to feel that we do something well. Something that we can be proud of and perhaps something we can be remembered for. Adequacy is not being exceptional or a gold medal winner. It is simply feeling that we can succeed at something and that we are competent at something. Adequacy is the opposite of inadequate. When we feel inadequate, we feel that something is missing in our lives, and we feel inferior. No one wants to feel inferior. Many of us will search our whole lives for a feeling of adequacy.
Aging Capriciously 