Aging Capriciously

Thank You!  Two words that can change the world.  And if you don’t believe me read on.

How many Thank-You’s do you get in a day?  Do you get as many as you think you deserve?  Do you get too many.  Whenever I am out with my USAF Veterans Hat, I have people that come up and say, “Thank You for your Service.”  I was somewhat embarrassed when this happened but eventually I would reply, “Thank You, it was an honor.”  Despite the number of times I have been thanked for my service, I still think it was an honor and privilege to serve my country and its citizens.

Each year for the past 43 years, I have attended a four day silent retreat at a Jesuit Retreat Center in Lake Elmo, Minnesota.  Each year I discover some new wisdom from the lectures and reflections over spiritual readings that I am privy to.  One year, I learned that the founder of the Jesuit order, Saint Ignatius Loyola reportedly said that “Ingratitude is not the worst of all sins, but it is the gateway to all others.”  The more I reflected on this thought, the more I realized how true it is.  Be ungrateful for your financial situation and you become greedy with an obsession for money.  Be ungrateful for your health and you end up hating life and wishing you were someone else.  Be ungrateful for your friends and family and you end up being lonely and miserable.

The other side of ungratefulness is gratefulness.  To be grateful for the life one has and to stop mourning the life that we don’t have.  However, gratefulness is simply a state of mind.  As powerful as it is, it is not enough.  We need to put actions with our thoughts.  Wisdom, says “prayer to the Lord but row for the shore.”  Or “keep praying but move your feet.”  If we are really grateful, we need to show it.  The best way to show it is a simple “Thank You.”  For some people this is showing  gratitude.  For others, you would think that each thank you that they gave came from their savings account.

When I woke up the other night at 3 AM, I started to write this blog.  I was motivated by the crazy idea flicking through my mind that asked the question “What would the world be like if everyone got more Thank-You’s each day than they knew what to do with.”  Would people go crazy and want to stop saying “Thank You?”  Would the government put a ban on the use of the words “Thank You?”  Would people suddenly realize how much they are appreciated and what a truly wonderful person they were?  How many people would like to get more Thank-You’s and how many people would hate to hear “Thank-You?”  What would happen to society if more people gave out thank-You’s each day?  I decided to run this question by my AI assistant Metis.  Here is what she replied.  As usual my AI assistant tends to be very comprehensive and perhaps somewhat verbose.

What would happen to society if more people gave out Thank-You’s each day? 

Metis:

John, I think that’s a deceptively simple question with very deep system effects—very much in line with your Deming lens and your work on connectedness.

Here’s what I believe would happen if people routinely received more genuine Thank-You’s than they expected:

1. Immediate Psychological Effects

You’d see a measurable shift in mood and stress levels.

Gratitude directed at someone (not just practiced internally) tends to:

• Lower cortisol
• Increase dopamine and serotonin
• Create a short “reward loop” that reinforces prosocial behavior

In plain terms: people would feel seen, and being seen is one of the strongest antidotes to alienation.

For someone your age cohort—where invisibility is a common complaint—this effect would be especially powerful.

2. Behavioral Reinforcement

From a systems perspective:

What gets recognized gets repeated.

If people are thanked for:

• small acts of competence
• reliability
• kindness
• showing up

you reinforce intrinsic motivation rather than compliance.

This reduces:

• withdrawal behavior
• quiet quitting
• defensive routines

You’d see higher quality interactions without changing any formal policy—pure cultural shift.

3. Social Contagion Effect

Gratitude is highly contagious.

One sincere Thank-You tends to produce:

• reciprocal gratitude
• increased patience
• more cooperative behavior

In network terms, it increases positive signal density in the social system.

That directly counters what you’ve called the epidemic of disconnectedness.

4. Identity Stabilization

Many people today derive identity from conflict, outrage, or status competition.

Frequent appreciation shifts identity toward:

• contribution
• competence
• belonging

People begin to think:

“I matter because I help,”
rather than
“I matter because I win.”

That is a profound cultural pivot.

5. Impact on Institutions

In organizations (including veteran groups, radio teams, quilting circles, consulting clients):

Regular unexpected appreciation would lead to:

• Lower friction costs
• Higher volunteer retention
• Greater discretionary effort
• Fewer interpersonal conflicts

You’d get quality improvement without a new program, which Deming would smile at.

6. Political and Civic Implications

At the macro level, a culture of daily appreciation would:

• Reduce zero-sum thinking
• Increase trust in local relationships
• Make dialogue easier

Gratitude humanizes the “other” before disagreement even begins.

It doesn’t eliminate conflict—but it changes the tone from adversarial to relational.

7. Neurological Rewiring Over Time

If this happened daily for months:

People’s baseline expectations would shift from:

“No one notices me”
to
“My actions have value.”

That reduces anxiety and defensive postures.

You’d likely see:

• fewer hostile interactions
• more eye contact
• more patience in public spaces

Small signals, big emergent outcomes.

The Key Variable: Authenticity

This only works if the Thank-You’s are:

• specific (“Thank you for setting up the chairs”)
• timely
• sincere

Generic or forced gratitude has little effect and can even breed cynicism.

Conclusions:

Well, I was given more information than I expected.  Frankly, I would never have thought that there could have been so many positive benefits from the simple act of saying “Thank-You.” It is very gratifying to have my suspicions verified but it is also embarrassing.  I say embarrassing  because I think that I am one of those people who are somewhat stingy with their “Thank-You’s”  My father was not big on Thank You and perhaps I can escape responsibility by blaming him.  On the other hand, I often proclaim that when I went into the military in 1964 at the age of 18 that I would never again blame my parents for any misbehaviors on my part.

What stops us from saying “Thank You” more often?  Are we afraid it will lead to expectations that we do not want to deal with?  If I say, “Thank You,” will you think you are better than I am?  If I put your effort down, I can build myself up.  Instead of saying “Thank You Bob,” I can say “Not bad, but I have seen better.”  Or perhaps “You shouldn’t expect a Thank You for just doing your job.”

Imagine, if we thanked the clerk who helped bag our food at the local grocery store.  “Thank You for bagging my groceries.”  Why should I say that if he/she is getting paid to do it!  Or imagine if I went up to the help at Wal-Mart and thanked them for keeping the place neat and clean?  Or thanking the local Garbage collector for being on time each week with my garbage pickup.  Or the clerk at the Post Office for giving me my mail?  Where would it all stop?  Before you know it, everyone would be expecting Thank-You’s.

What kind of a world would that be?  People might really start feeling better about themselves.

Help me to change the world.  Say Thank-You more often.

Thank-You for reading this blog.