If you enjoy reading my blog today, please see another blog I wrote dealing with this issue from the opposite perspective: Ingratitude: How it destroys our minds and hearts and souls
I want to talk about Gratefulness today. It is the first in my list of the Key Seven Virtues that I think are worth developing. Gratefulness is the opposite of ingratitude. It is easy to fall into the trap of being ungrateful. The world besieges us with evidence of our incompetence and faults. Hollywood glamorizes the mundane and makes the rest of us feel inferior in comparison. American Idol becomes the graven image that we now worship. It is not an image of a gold calf or a prophet or a saint. It is the image of success and fame and fortune that we all desire. Even as I write this, millions of people are buying a lottery ticket in the hope of achieving instant wealth. How many of these people are grateful for what they have? I suspect many of them are very grateful in their daily lives, but it makes you wonder how grateful most people are when they will spend their money against all odds to become an overnight millionaire. What don’t they have that they will buy if they do win?
Every Monday morning I start my day and my week with the following prayer:
- I am Grateful for this new day and a new start. I give thanks for everything I have – especially my health, my friends, my family and my wife Karen.
I also say a prayer that my wife Karen will be healthy and happy. She once mentioned to me that she appreciated my praying for her, so I have made it a part of my Monday morning start to the week. My goal is to try to keep the thought of being grateful in my mind throughout most of the day. I confess, I am usually able to keep it in my mind for about ten minutes at the most and then my day commences with the usual busyness and trivia that soon makes me forget my admirable goal.
If I were to rate myself on a scale of 1-10 of gratefulness, with 10 being the highest amount of gratefulness possible, I would probably give myself about a 2. Nevertheless, I refuse to succumb to the Siren of Desire that drives one to buy a lottery ticket. I do not want to win any money in a lottery. I do not want to get any free money through a class action lawsuit. I do not want to inherit any money from a dead relative or friend. I admit I occasionally go to a casino and will play the penny slots for about fifteen minutes. Karen has more patience and will play for as long as an hour. We both allocate about ten dollars when we go for our “chance to win a fortune.” We are usually at a casino for the entertainment or food.
My father was a gambler when I was young who lost a good portion of his earnings each week betting on the horses. I learned from him that most gamblers were liars since they will only tell you when they win and never when they lose. I still begrudge the fact that when I was growing up, my cousins (whose fathers were no richer) always had a nicer house, better clothes and more expensive toys. My mother would regularly buy a lottery ticket and promise me that when she won, we would all be rich and never have to work again. I always replied to my mother that if she put her dollar in the bank, she would have $1.01 at the end of the year. It was kind of a joke. When my mother died, my sisters and I had to cover the additional costs for her funeral.
I was reading a news article about two days ago about the continued recovery of former Arizona Representative Gabby Giffords. I was struck by a comment that was attributed to her in the article. She said:
“I wake up every day grateful that I have a second chance at life and a second chance at service.”
When, I read this, I thought there could not be much more I could add to the subject. Here is a woman who could be bitter and angry. She could rightfully complain about her physical and mental handicaps. She could endorse stronger sentences for criminals. She could lobby for fewer guns in society. She could preach for more prisons. Instead, she continues to pursue a life dedicated to service and to doing the best she can every day of her life to help other human beings. We all need role models like this to really understand what gratefulness means.
One of my favorite blog readers is my sister Jeanine. I think she is perhaps my most faithful reader, usually reading and commenting on my blogs each week. Last week she posted a comment which included the following quote.
“I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” — Etienne de Grellet
She mentioned that one of her friends wrote this in her high school yearbook and she has never forgotten it. She noted that she has tried to live by this quote in her daily life. Judging by her friends and what they think of her and the efforts she puts out to help others, I believe my sister is also a person who does what she can to help others and who is also grateful for her life.
Let us pose the question: What does it take to be grateful?
I would say that the virtue of gratefulness is composed of the following three abilities:
- Appreciating what we have. Savoring your life, your food, your health and your friends. Like you would savor a tasty dish or appreciate a good song. Appreciating the good and the bad. Realizing that the bad makes the good better.
“Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.” — Angelina Jolie
- Living in the present. If we worry too much about the past or think too much about the future, we are never able to just accept what is. Violence is caused by too much dwelling on what happened yesterday. Greed is caused by dreaming about what life would be like “if only.” When we refuse to live our lives one day at a time, we inevitably get lost in a wilderness of whys, what ifs, and maybes.
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” — Buddha
- Service to others. I am not sure that I can ever overcome the lure of fame and fortune and success. They are constantly in my mind. Except when I am serving others, particularly those who are less fortunate than I am. Perhaps the only path to developing the virtue of gratefulness is by seeing and helping the down trodden, oppressed, sick, dying, wounded and poor of the earth. There is no doubt that seeing the misfortunes of others up close has a salubrious effect on our mental attitudes. It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you witness people like Gabby Giffords, Steven Hawking, and Malala Yousafzai and see what they managed to achieve despite handicaps much more severe than any we might have.
“Too much self-centered attitude, you see, brings, you see, isolation. Result: loneliness, fear, anger. The extreme self-centered attitude is the source of suffering.” — Dalai Lama
I have a little device that I learned in my studies, a long time ago. It is an algorithm for change. You can use it for changing an organization or for changing your own life. It goes like this:
- Awareness precedes choice
- Choice precedes decision
- Decision precedes action
- Action precedes change
If we want to develop the virtue of gratefulness, we must first be aware of what it means to be grateful. We must be aware of what we should be grateful for. We must also be aware of our ungratefulness and ask ourselves why we feel this way and where it comes from. Once we are aware of our feelings in this area, we must continue to maintain this awareness.
Next, we must use our awareness to make a choice. The choice is simple. Am I going to be a grateful or ungrateful person? Am I going to see life as full of opportunities and a place of unlimited possibilities or am I going to see life as a living hell on earth? The choice is always ours. The choice to be grateful means that we must make a decision. To live gratefully or ungratefully.
If we accept the decision to live gratefully, then we must take action on this decision. We must express gratitude whenever possible. But more than just words, we also need to help others who are not as fortunate as we are. Regardless of how unfortunate you feel you are there are always people who are less fortunate. Start looking for these people and ask yourself “How can I help them.”
The final step in the process will occur if you follow the above heuristic. You will find that there are more and more things in your life to be grateful for. You will start enjoying life more than you ever thought possible. You will become grateful for the little things in your life and stop waiting for the big things. You will become a person who appreciates every day that is given to you on earth. Each day will become the best day of your life. Don’t trust me! Try it and see. Age, death, diseases will still be difficult but you will find that gratitude can replace the sorrows of life with an outlook that can find joy in even the most difficult of times.
Time for Questions:
What are you grateful for? What are you ungrateful for in your life? How do you cope with the inevitable blitz of commercials telling you how inferior you are? What do you do to help other people who are less fortunate than you are?
Life is just beginning.
“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. ” — Ellen Goodman
publish their lists of the most beautiful people in the world. Beautiful people marry other beautiful people and are constantly in the news. The Kardashians would seem to have few talents except their almost incredible beauty. Rich men marry beautiful women. Beautiful actresses marry NFL football players. Beautiful heiresses marry rock stars while beautiful rock stars marry record producers.
I once asked my MBA students whether they would rather be smart or beautiful. They almost unanimously selected beautiful. I was very surprised but the more I have observed about life, the more it would seem that beauty will get you further than brains. Brains can get you some things but being nerdy is not one of the things that most people aspire to. Anti-intellectualism is a fact of American life as noted by Richard Hofstadter in his famous book: “Anti-intellectualism in American Life, 1963.”
As we both have aged, the process of deterioration taking place in our bodies is clear in the more wrinkled, wizened and paunchy body shapes we now exhibit. While neither of us was ever beautiful by societies standards, we never had any chance of making any top ten beautiful lists before and certainly not today. Nevertheless, when I see my spouse in her pajamas or in the shower or when she cuddles up in bed with me, I can’t help but think how beautiful she is and how much I love her. While I still see the shades of societies standards of beauty in the many young models punctuating my daily life, the beauty I see in my wife is something I cannot describe. It is a beauty that comes from who she is and not how she looks. I only know she is more beautiful to me today than she was 35 years ago when we first started dating.
You can claim as you grow older that you either have regrets or you have no regrets. I have had at least one friend who on his deathbed made the claim that he had no regrets. I admired his attitude very much. I wanted to emulate this attitude as I grew older, but try as I might it has escaped me. I can tell you I have no regrets, but it would be a big lie. I have enough regrets to write a book about. One of my regrets is that I am shorter than my father was. He was six feet four inches 
tall and I barely make five feet eight inches. Mostly though, I wonder what it would have been like to have been born handsome. To have had the looks of Paul Newman, Sean Connery, Brad Pitt or Robert Redford. Would I have used my looks to achieve fame and fortune or would I have simply squandered it away on wine, women and song? How much different would my life have been if I had been a “beautiful” person?
I understand and fully believe that like ingratitude, (Please read my blog on
Aging Capriciously 