Aging Capriciously

Crying time is more acceptable for women than men. Nevertheless, even men have their crying times. Crying time most likely occurs over a tragic death, when we lose a relationship, attend a funeral or feel badly about something we did. Paradoxically, many people cry when they are happy, for instance at weddings. Others cry when they are angry.

For men, there is less crying time than for women. I have often wondered what the purpose of crying is or how the function developed. What evolutionary or biological purpose does crying serve? There are those that say that only music truly sets us apart from lower creatures, but do animals cry? I have seen sadness in some of my pets, but I cannot say I have ever seen an animal crying. For myself, I cannot say that I cry very much. This is not to say that I never cry. I have cried tears of sadness and tears of pain but I cannot remember ever crying tears of joy or tears of anger. There are certain stories that will always bring tears to my eyes. “The Little Match-girl” is one of them. I have never seen a production of the story or read the story without crying.

When my first wife and I separated, it seems like I spent one entire week crying. Crying seemed purposeless at the time. However, after the release of disappointment and emotional uplifting, I was leading my life again solo without looking back and trying to resurrect the relationship. The crying allowed me to let go of things and to move forward with my future. So maybe crying would be a better release for many people than the displays of anger and abuse we often witness in our society.

What would it take to make crying more acceptable for men as well as for women? Would it decrease abuse and rage in our society if we encouraged men to spend more crying time? What about teenagers and the problems with school violence and suicide? Could more crying time be an antidote to these problems? What role does crying play in your life? Do you find crying to be helpful? Do you cry enough?

What does time have to do with regrets? I once heard someone say that the only thing you will regret when your life is over are those things that you wanted to do but never did. Some of these things may be adventures that were never taken or people you wanted to meet and never did. They may also include apologies you wanted to make or forgiveness you wanted and never gave or received. You may look back on your life someday with no regrets as my friend Harold Johnson did. However, I think it is a rare individual that will live their life with no regrets. Time plays an important role in this process since we often act as though we would have unlimited time to fix things. I will call and apologize tomorrow. I will see them later. I will take that trip next year. What if tomorrow never comes? Who among us knows the time of our death?

If you could take a walk to a cemetery and talk to the people therein, what do you think they would they say about their lives and their regrets? I can imagine how many would say that they regret they never really prioritized their lives according to what really mattered. Mary was struck by a car while on a shopping trip. Paul had a heart attack while watching a soccer game. Israel was sitting at a bar when shot during an attempted hold-up. Sarah had always wanted to have enough money to visit the Holy land but could never seem to save enough for the trip. Jasmine says she would have liked to have spent more time with her son and daughter. Mohamed had not seen his parents in over two years because he was too busy with school and work.

What regrets about your life do you have today? What can you do about them today? Some of them you can do nothing about, but others you can. Like they say in the Serenity Prayer: “Lord, help us to know the difference.” Make a list of regrets you might be able to do something about. Be optimistic. Don’t put this off until tomorrow. Do it today. When you have made this list, choose one to work on for the next week or month. Perhaps this will become a good habit. When you have finished your list, how do you think you will feel?

Run time! No, this is not the run time for my computer. This is my personal running time. I have been running regularly for 35 years. On the average, I run about 5 times a week and about 3 to 4 miles each run. I am still waiting for the runners “high” where I can feel nothing but blissful peace. I really enjoy running but through the years, there have been numerous pains and hurts to overcome. It seems to get harder running in the winter. I suppose running is a great deal like life, it has its ups and downs and it only gets better when we keep working at it. There are no magical highs (except for temporary ones on drugs) but in general, the pleasure I get from running outweighs the pain.

I no longer try to increase my running speed or my distances. I will not be an Olympic marathoner nor am I training for my 101st marathon. I like to say I am a “maintenance” runner. That is my schedule is set up to maintain my present level of fitness. For my age, I am in reasonably good health. I am five foot eight inches tall and I weigh about 140 lbs. I feel good and have not been to surgery or to the doctor for anything serious yet in my life. I pray it will remain the same for the next ten years.

What does running have to do with time? I find that by doing “maintenance” running, I notice my running times go in cycles with the seasons. I run more in the late summer and fall and less in the winter and spring. At first I was worried at these dips in my “maintenance” schedule. Then, I read that it is natural to go with a cycle and that it lets my body recover. Just like winter allows the earth to recover before it starts to bud out in spring and emerge more glorious in summer. As each year progresses, I find that I am running farther and farther and enjoying it more and more. As winter sets in again, I slow down and with the shorter days, my runs become shorter and shorter. Spring is when I start feeling like increasing my runs and distance, though I feel sluggish after the long winter in Minnesota. My body and running seem to respond to the same cycles as the earth.

Have you ever found a cycle to your life? What activities or efforts in your life seem cyclical? Do you fight your cycles or do you allow yourself to “go with the flow.” How have cycles made a difference in your life? Would better managing your natural cycles improve your life?

Polls show Americans like instant gratification. A recent AP Poll showed that Americans are an impatient bunch. We get antsy after a few minutes on hold; we hate to wait in grocery stores or in airports. Older people are more impatient than younger people. People in the country are just a little more patient than city people but not by much. This poll was based on 1003 adults. Most people answered they felt more time poor than money poor. Benjamin Franklin said that time was money and many of us take this truth to heart.

The findings from this AP Poll will probably not surprise anyone but it is significant in that today we are beginning to value time more than money. Economic theory or the Law of Supply and Demand says that the scarcer something is the more valuable it will be. If we now have less time than money, then time will become proportionally more valuable to us. People who can afford Hummers and other such luxuries may have a surplus of money but there are only 24 hours in a day. No matter who you are or how much money you have, the time you have is fixed. You cannot buy another minute in a day or another second in your life. You may work overtime to acquire more toys or to display a luxury lifestyle image but rich or poor you share the same amount of time each day as everyone else. Time will become more and more precious when you get older while the things in your life will soon lose their luster. Bling only blings so long and then goes out of style.

What if we wanted less? What if we spent less time shopping and buying and acquiring things? Would you be happier with less things and more time? How does buying and spending keep you from enjoying your time and relaxing more? How does owning so many toys affect your life? What if you adopted the virtue of frugality? Would you trade your things for more time to spend with those you love? Would your life be happier if it were simpler?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (Paul, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7).

This quote has probably been read at more weddings than any other quote in history. When you hear this quote, do you think about the connection between patience, love and time? Probably not! You might even be wondering what time has to do with love and patience. Well, patience is the ability to wait and let time go without being unduly stressed. It is the ability to tolerate delays in time and delays in our scheduled activities. Patience is tolerance of others whose time frames and time manners may not be the same as ours. Most of us have a different view of what it means to be late or on time. Different cultures and different upbringings bestow quite a bit of variation on the concept of timeliness. If you are obsessed with you definition of what it means to be “on-time”, no doubt you will be stressed a great deal. You may also earn the dislike of those who feel you are too rigid and absorbed with your own priorities.

Are you patient in traffic with those who are too slow and wait too long at a red light? Are you patient with people in lines at the airport, grocery store or gas station? Are you patient with the elderly, the frail, and the disabled? Why should you be patient? Why should you love others? Do you only give love to those you care about? Ask your loved ones if you are patient. Patience is a kind of gift you can give to everyone. Patience is a gift of manners and caring for those who are slower, weaker or perhaps just different than we are.

Why give patience? Indeed, why give love to others at all? The more love you have for others, the more will be returned to you. Patience is a practice that we can get better at, but we must periodically stop our clocks or we cannot learn to be patient. Turn off the clock a few times a day. Forget about the time. Take a break to breath and do nothing. The gift of time you give to yourself will be a gift that you can give others. How does it feel?

Children Time! The experts all say that the best thing to spend on your children is your time. Nevertheless, toys have become a substitute for time spent with children today. How much money is spent on children’s toys each year? How many parents do you see who try to buy their kid’s affections with toys? Children are inundated with toys, video games, I-Pods, and countless other throw-away items. We bury our kids with an avalanche of toys and mindless distractions. The toys and the interest in the toys do not seem to last as long as the batteries. Once upon a time, children if they were good got a special toy at Christmas or on their birthday. Today, every day is toy day for kids. I have seen friends who have children with so many toys you can barely walk through their houses. Many motorcycle clubs have a ride each year called “Toys for Tots” to buy toys for any children who do not have enough. However, the real problem is too many toys for children. Too many toys and not enough time with our children!

Have you noticed that kids seem more angry (witness the increasing school violence) today. They are certainly getting fatter (due in some small part to all the toys they have that prevent them from getting real exercise). I see young kids riding down the street on motorized skate boards and motorized scooters instead of pedaling or pushing a regular skate board. They are inevitably overweight or obese. Computer sports games and other on-line competitive games have replaced real sports for many kids. Of course, there are those kids whose parents are grooming them for the NFL or NBA or NHL and these poor kids get to go to so many sports events they lose track. Followed by the inevitable coach parent, they will probably learn to hate sports as something that is a duty rather than something you can do for fun. I wonder how many of these sport-aholic parents and children will appreciate exercise for exercise sake or will really enjoy the parent child time spent together? How many of these would be Pro-Stars will still be in good shape when they are in their thirties or say fifties?

Regardless of how much we give our children or how many sporting events we make our children attend, the thing they will remember the most and that will have the most impact on their lives will be the quality of the time we spend with them. Quality time is time spend interacting with our children. This does not mean watching TV with them or even going to their soccer games and baseball games. It is time spent relating to them and sharing parent wisdom, guidance and experience with them. It is time spent camping with your children, roller skating, ice skating, skiing or playing tennis with them. It is time spent reading a story to or with them. It is time spent helping them with their homework or doing chores around the house with them. It is time spent during the entire cycle of your children’s lives from infant to old-age. Parent child time will change as they grow older but it does not diminish in terms of the quality of the interaction that is important.

How much time do you spend doing things with your children, with your grandchildren? Do you read to your children, play games with them, take walks with them? How much quality time do your spend with your children versus just “busy” time? What could you do to increase the quality of the time you spend with your children and with your family? Would this improve your life or their lives or both?

Perhaps the most valued time in our modern world is our “leisure time.” Everyone wants more leisure time. Few of us have enough of it or think we do. But do you know what the word leisure means? Without a dictionary, we would all define it very differently. For what is one person’s leisure (working in a garden) is another’s tedium. My best friend loves to work on cars, while I hate the task and will bring mine into a shop. Another friend loves to work on his house, while I am forever looking for handymen to take care of odd jobs. I spend a great deal of leisure time on my computer.

Dictionary.com defines leisure as: “Freedom from time-consuming duties, responsibilities, or activities.” This definition does not make sense if you think about it. Since everything takes time, how can we ever really be free from “time-consuming” activities? Do you know anything that can be done that will not involve an expenditure of time? Whether I go on vacation, play or go to work, I will consume time. Even prayer and meditation consume time.

Leisure time has more to do with being free from goals and obligations than it does with not consuming time. Thus, freedom from duties and responsibilities is more germane to our concept of leisure time than simply not spending time. Leisure time is time when I do not have to be goal oriented or time that is not driven by some overarching responsibility. There are precious few of these moments for many of us. Even recreation and play can seem like responsibilities or work generating teaks. How many of us go on vacation and need one when we get back? Playing can be hard work for many of us if we turn it into the inevitable competition that exists in our world today.

How much leisure time do you have in your day, in your week, in your life? Is it time that is truly free of goals and responsibilities? Do you get enough of this time? If not, how could you have more leisure time in your life? What is one thing you could do today to give yourself some more “leisure time.” What would your life be like if you had more leisure time each day to just do what you want to do?

Family time is one of the most important times in our lives. It is the time we set aside for our children and our spouse. Sometimes it seems hard to “find” this time, but unless we make the effort, we grow old without really creating those essential bonds for a family. When my daughter was young, I tried to have a fixed time each week to do something together with her. As she got older and had more friends it became more difficult to find the time each week. Nevertheless, no matter how much we say we love someone, there is nothing like being there for them.

The need to be there never ends. One morning Karen got up at 4:30 AM to travel 30 miles to take her oldest daughter to the hospital for surgery. Julie, (Karen’s Oldest) was having a hysterectomy and Karen wanted to be there with her at the hospital. Karen asked her boss for the day off so she could drive Julie to the hospital and spend the day with her. It would have been very easy for Karen to find an excuse: “It is really far to drive;” “I don’t have much vacation time left;” “There will be plenty of support at the hospital;”
“I will only spend most of my day sitting around.” Actually, all of these thoughts went through my head when Karen told me what she planned to do. However, to Karen, this was a form of family time and it was the most important time in the world that she could spend with her daughter.

In my second marriage, Karen and I fixed times to do something together as a family and to do something with just each other. I am not always good at keeping this family time and it is not always “quality” time but as I look back, I would never give up these times. If there were one most important “time” in my relationship with Karen, it is this “family time.” I think Karen and I have grown closer together and become more loving and intimate as time has gone by. Our family time and family meetings are still weekly events which we adhere to. Sometimes they end up in disagreements or the discussion of unpleasant issues. The alternative is to ignore problems and just let them build up. I have found that it is never one big issue that destroys a relationship. It is the pile up of straws that as the proverb goes eventually “breaks the camels back.” Family time for me is not only time together, it is problem-solving time to improve our relationship.

Do you have a family time? Do you have a set time each week to spend together for fun and for discussion? If so, do you find this time valuable? If not, what would it take to create this time? What would it take to improve the quality of your time together with your family? Will you regret that you did not take this time in the years to come? Can you start this week with more family time?

We are all familiar with the concept of “Prime time.” According to Wikipedia, Prime
Time is defined as “the block of time with the most viewers and is generally where television networks and local stations reap much of their advertising revenues.” Thus for some, Prime Time is where the most money can be made.

However, what if we thought of Prime Time as a kind of Angus Beef time, in other words the choicest time of the day or our lives? Just like there are different cuts of beef denoting the value of the beef, we could have different cuts of time such as: Standard time, Choice Time, Select Time and Prime Time. Choice Time would be a lower grade of time. Work time and time spent on activities that were necessary might be Choice Time. Select Time would be time that we can select to do what we want with. Select Time can be play time or relaxation time or time which we just spend in front of the TV. Prime Time is the most special time of the day. It is the premium time we spend. It is the time that is richest in flavor and value. It is the time that you would least want to give up.

My Prime Time is the time I spend with my spouse when we both come home from work. It is the time that I spend with my grandchildren and the time I spend with my best friends. I am never sure whether my other times will be fun or worthwhile. The time I spend with my loved ones transcends being fun or worthwhile. It is a prime part of my life.

What is the Prime Time of your life? Do you regard Prime Time as ongoing, or do you feel you have already “tasted” it? Can you enjoy Prime Time every day of the week or do you just have a few days of Prime Time each week? Do you have enough Prime Time in your life? What can you do to have more Prime Time in your life?

I have some “left-over” time today. Like left-over food, if I don’t use it, it will probably spoil. You cannot save left-over time too long, since something will inevitably come up to take it away from you. We get left-over time when we finish something sooner than we thought we would. I may budget four hours for a project but instead it only takes three. I now have 1 hour left-over. If I don’t save this time, I will surely be able to use it up right away. Left-overs are one of life’s many blessings to us. Do you know anybody that does not like left-overs? It is so much fun to go back down to the refrigerator after all the company has left and find left-over turkey or chicken or a roast to pick on.

Left-over time can be equally wonderful. We all love to have time left to spend on something that we did not plan or did not anticipate. It is all too rare these days to find ourselves with left-over time. Of course, if you get to the airport and find out that your plane was delayed, you might be at a loss as to what to do with your time. At this point, there is no refrigerator to store your left-over time in. Many people plan for such delays and creatively find uses for left-over time. Much like some good cooks can make more interesting second meals out of left-overs, some people find very novel ways to spend their left-over time. Take a trip to an airport sometime and look at all the ways that people spend their left-over time.

Left-over food always seems to taste better when you eat it then when it was cooked. Do you think “left-over time” gets better when you can put it away and bring it out later to use? Does time age well or does it go stale very quickly? How long can you keep left-over time? When do you ever have “left-overs” for time? If you finish something today in less time than you had anticipated, what will you do with your left-over time today? Are you creative with your left-over time? Maybe we all need to start finding a better way to have “left-overs” for time and more creative ways to spend it?