Aging Capriciously

Wedding time- a time of joyous celebration and commitment, a time of happiness and the expectancy of long years spent with the partner of one’s choice. From another perspective, a time of youthful naiveté, a time of soon to be dashed dreams and a rude awakening to reality. People once got married much earlier then they are doing today. The average age of marriage has increased. People are living together more often and delaying marriage. You might think that this would impact the divorce rate but it does not seem to have had an impact yet. My favorite poem which my first wife found and gave to me when we were married went as follows:

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith “A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!” (Robert Browning, 1812-1889)

I am now married for the second time to another wonderful woman and I still think of these lines and what I want marriage to mean for me. It has entailed work, tears, pain and many arguments and disagreements. On the other hand, it has entailed joy, innumerable memories of good times together, a great deal of shared pleasure and more happiness than I would have ever thought possible. As we have grown older, we have gone to marriages of friends, close relatives and others of our generation. We are now going to the marriages of children of our friends, second marriages of our friends and soon marriages of our grandchildren.

I thought I would be going to more funerals as I aged and instead I seem to be going to more marriages. We will have gone to six marriages this year. Bear in mind, that I detest ceremonies and will try to get out of marriages and funerals unless they are of close friends or relatives. So what to make of wedding time? Why do people cry at weddings? How come we don’t laugh? I think there are some we should laugh at but I guess we are just too polite. Maybe that’s why we cry. We say its tears of joy but maybe it’s a realization that this marriage is really doomed. Let’s be honest, how many people do you know who have married the wrong person? How long did it take for them to wake up and realize this? Oh, but I should not be so cynical, lets give them a chance.

How many times have you been married? Did you marry the right person? If not, when did you realize that they were not meant for you? What did you do about it? What would you change if you could go back now? How do you tell people that marriage requires a great deal of work to be successful? There will be problems in every marriage, but maybe the problem is not the other person. Maybe the problem is you.

Chaos or Order, which rules your life? Chaos time is non-linear, non-ordered, non-sequential, unpredictable and multi-tasking. Order time is logical, linear, programmable, predictable and sequential. Some say time exists to bring order out of chaos. Our general view of chaos is that it leads to problems. Complex Adaptive Theory (Chaos Theory) subscribes to the viewpoint that the world is nominally chaotic and that only by understanding that the world is in a state of constant disequilibrium can we fully appreciate it. Here is one definition of Chaos Theory:

Chaos theory, in mathematics and physics, deals with the behavior of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that (under certain conditions) exhibit the phenomenon known as chaos, most famously characterized by sensitivity to initial conditions (see butterfly effect). Examples of such systems include the atmosphere, the solar system, plate tectonics, turbulent fluids, economies, and population growth. http://www.wikipedia.org

The implications of Chaos Theory have had profound effects on the way scientists and even lay people now view the world. We realize that our planning methods, our prediction methods and out strategies are subject to a great deal more unpredictability and serendipity then we once believed. This does not mean that we cannot or should not plan, but it implies that the degree of accuracy of our planning is subject to many outside and uncontrollable forces. Some even believe that planning is a waste of time. I disagree. If anything, I am more likely to plan but I build in more contingencies. I do agree that it is naïve to forecast without considering the concept of “sensitivity to initial conditions” or the idea of “wild cards.” Both of these concepts imply that there are many factors which might alter our plans and over which we have no control. Nevertheless, I have had over 1000 plane trips during the last twenty two years and in every case except one, I have arrived on-time at the place I wanted to go. Either I am very lucky or the world can be ordered. Maybe we can’t order everything and maybe it is foolish to try but many events, programs and activities happen every day based on “order time.”

What is your view of time? Is your time Chaotic or Ordered? Do you plan based on Chaos time or Order time? How effective has your planning been? How do you think your planning could be more effective? Would thinking about Chaos time help your planning?

Lifespan is an interesting way of looking at time. The average lifespan of a male during the Roman Empire was 28 years. During the course of the 20th century, average life expectancy in the US rose by 57 percent, from about 49 years of age in 1901 to 77 years by the year 2000. Males and females have different life spans and different countries today may vary considerably in the life spans of their citizens. Average life expectancy in Japan is 82.02 and in Angola it is 37.63 (The Worldfact book, http://www.cia.gov). All of these numbers though may be meaningless for us individually as they are simply averages. Teenagers today are involved in a high percentage of fatal car accidents and many will not live to be 21. If you smoke, drink heavily, eat poorly and never exercise, you may live to be 100 but I would not bet on it.

What are the factors that contribute to a long lifespan? These are certainly well known by actuaries who determine insurance rates based on them. Some would include: culture, heredity, health patterns, life style, job and even luck plays a factor. If you buy a life insurance policy, you are gambling that you will get more benefits out of it than you have paid in. Since insurance companies are well armed with facts and data, you are probably going to lose the bet.

One of the most important contributions to increased longevity was not from any advances in medicine but was from public health education. According to the Dept of Public Health, Twenty-five of the 30 years of increased life expectancy in the US during the last century can be attributed to public health initiatives rather than medical advances. Thus, we need to add hygiene to our list of factors that contribute to longevity. When we near our final hours, medical science will do all it can to stretch our last minutes on this earth. Science has been stretching our life for some time now but there is definitely a cost attached to the effort.

Nevertheless, most of use would be willing to trade a few more dollars for a few more hours on earth. Many people see the foolishness of trying to extend their life beyond a reasonable point and opt to forego these last minute catastrophic life saving procedures. What is a reasonable time to live is a question that many of us will answer quite differently.

What do you think is a reasonable time to live? What are the circumstances that might cause you to “throw in the towel?” Have you developed a living will to specify what procedures you will forego or are you leaving it to others to decide? This can be a terrible decision for others to make.

Magic time is any time that magic is performed. When we go to a magic show, time as we know it may be grossly distorted. Flowers can grow from a seed to full bloom in a few seconds and we have seen chicks turned into chickens and other tricks that seem to make us doubt our concepts of time. Magicians such as Merlin were said to be able to make accurate prophecies because they could go backward and forward in time and hence knew exactly what was going to transpire. Magicians play with our ideas of what should be and what we expect can be. “Magic,” said Harry Blackstone, the great magician, is “nothing but pure psychology — applied in the right place.”

Our minds can easily be fooled because we all have expectations of what should be and what is. For instance, older actors can be made to look younger and vice versa by simply changing hair color or adding some gray streaks or removing gray streaks. We associate age with graying and hair loss (at least in men). We trick the ideas of others and try to appear generally younger than we really are. We perform a sort of magic trick. Magic is simply the art of creating an illusion. Time plays a role here because time is another illusion. Who is to say that someone 60 years old is really not younger than someone 50 years old? If we measured time by degree of health, it is quite possible that many “older” people are actually younger than some younger people.

A friend of mine who attended an International BMW Riders Annual Event told me that the rider who received the award for most mileage done that year (63,000 miles in one year) was an 85 year old woman. How many younger motorcyclists could or would be able to do that much mileage in one year? Our fixed ideas of life and time create boxes for many us that limit what we can do or can be. Little children are so delightful because their ideas about time and life are not as rigid as adults. The new generation of computer kids doesn’t know that they have to wait until they are old to become billionaires. It is not unusual to see some twenty something with a billion dollar start-up Company.

What expectations and ideas do you have about life that have been tricked by “magic?” Have you ever thought you were too old to do something? Or that someone was too young to so something? Why? What would you like to do today that you think you are too old to do? What about too young to do? What would you do with your life if time did not matter?

History or Her-story, which do you prefer? History is said to be told by the winners, so who tells her-story? Some might think that changing words is nothing more than semantics or perhaps political correctness. However, words have the power to shape and create. The pen has often been mightier than the sword. Words shape our reality by influencing our perceptions and our concepts of reality. What we hear and how we define meaning will prejudice what we see and what we believe. History is the story of “mankind.” But is history really the story of humankind? Who is left out of a history told (at least in school books) from a rather slanted perspective? Do we hear history from minorities, from women, from the losers?

As an example of how perspective shapes our meaning of history, in America, we have the Revolutionary War or the War for Independence. In America, the colonists were revolutionaries and freedom fighters. The British saw our war as a revolt. To them, the colonists were lawbreakers and terrorists. Another example: during the sixties, the civil rights protestors in the South were fire hosed, beaten and arrested. They were regarded by lawmakers and others as trouble makers and radicals who wanted to destroy the country. This view would hardly be shared by the protestors who wanted the right to vote, go to the bathroom and have the same schools as the white majority. Not to mention eat in the same restaurants and sleep in the same hotels.

History is ideally a recording of the events that happened in past times. Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Lincoln returned the penny. But did they really? What if we cannot ever know the “historic” truth? What if history is so full of prejudice and distortion that we can never see the underlying reality? What if there is no underlying reality? Perhaps, the only reality is the reality told by the historian. Those who write history create it. There is no answer to this dilemma since it is the dilemma of life. We are always subjected to multiple views of reality and it is up to us to piece together the best view we can. The truth may be that there is no truth, only your truth. My truth and yours may indeed by different. Truth and history are processes that will constantly undergo transformation and change. The history you hear today may change tomorrow. The stories that are told today will change over time. The interpretations that we provide will be distorted and altered by other story tellers and other her-storians.

Do not be so sure of your reality! Do not be so sure of what you read and hear! Will you ever read this blog again? Do you think your ideas and interpretations of what you are reading now will change if you do read it again? What if you wait ten years and then read it again? How do you think your ideas will change? If you are reading it again ten years from now, what has changed in your feelings about this blog and its meanings?

December is the last month in the Gregorian calendar. It is the month with the shortest daylight hours of the year in the Northern Hemisphere and the longest daylight hours of the year in the Southern Hemisphere. It is winter in Minnesota and summer in Peru. In December, Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, Jews celebrate Hanukah, and African Americans celebrate Kwanzaa. Most of the world seems to be celebrating something in December. Gift-giving and shopping are the defining factors for many of us at this time of the year.

In Minnesota, we probably have our motorcycles and boats put away and have taken out our snowmobiles and ice-fishing houses. Ice skating and skiing help us pass the long cold five months of winter. Some call Minnesota, the land of two seasons: Winter is coming and Highway Construction. In the past, there was never any question about a white Christmas, but with the global climate changes, winter in Minnesota is not what it used to be. Increasingly, we wait for the first major snowfall and wonder if we will have a white Christmas or even be able to get out and do much skiing or snowmobiling. For some of us, we miss the winters of time gone by. Others are perhaps not sure if global warming is really all that bad when winter becomes less snowy and milder.

The snowbirds will not really care though, since at the first sign of winter, many of them have bought their tickets to Miami or Phoenix where they will plan to spend the winter. This is not a choice for those who are poor or who are not retired. They must face whatever the winter will throw at them. However, even with global warming, we will get some good storms and some sub-zero temperatures. We may even be able to talk about how bad the winters were when we were young.

What are your memories of winter? What characteristics of December most stand out in your mind? What do you most look forward to during this time of the year? What traditions are most important to you? Have you added any new traditions for your family?

Recreation time is something we learn to value as little children. It is that time when we can “re”-create; meaning we can go out to play and have fun. Every culture in the world knows the meaning of recreation time. Doctors and scientists tell us how important it is for adults as well as children to have recreation time. It is an essential time for growth and development. We actually re-create ourselves. How do we do this? By using recreation time to pursue other interests, by being less goal oriented and by exploring things that have no immediate payoff. Recreation is doing things just for the fun of doing them without expectation of gain or reward.

As the world becomes more global and more competitive, perhaps we all need more recreation time both at work and at home. The fifteen minute break time you get at work is not the same as recreation time. That brief respite is designed to prevent you from having a nervous or physical break down. It is not nearly enough time to help you to recreate. Organizations pay lip service to the idea of growth and development but provide hardly enough time for it to happen. Colleges are one of the few institutions that give paid sabbaticals. I have often thought sabbaticals should be mandatory for all institutions both profit and non-profit. Imagine, if you could get paid to take off for a year. You could use this time to attend classes, go on vacation, pursue new hobbies or learn some new skills. Why should a company pay for you to have time off? The simple answer is because new skills and training will benefit the company. Ideally what helps any of us become better people will help our society and our economy. This is taking a long term view of growth which is not widely recognized in organizations. Many companies refuse to reimburse for tuition and schooling unless it is directly related to the present job. This is taking the short view of life.

Well, enough writing for now. It is time for me to re-create. What are you going to do today for recreation? How much time each day do you allow for recreation? Can you say that you have fun each and every day of the week? Why not? What would it take to change your life to have more fun? When do you propose to start? How many people do you know who started a career or a business based on something that they once did for fun? Why not get paid to do what you think is fun? Maybe you can put the joy and creativity in your career that you found in your hobby. Why should work not be fun? Why can’t fun be work?

Monday seems to be the day of the week that people hate the most. It is the beginning of the work week for many of us. We mostly think about the difficulties and problems that lie before us. Few people wake up on Monday morning feeling like they do on a weekend or vacation day. I try to make my Mondays different. I start out each Monday with the following reflection: “I give thanks for this new day and a new start. I give thanks for my health and for my friends and for my family and for my wife.” Monday is special for me because it is a new opportunity. It is a chance for a fresh start. It is my “Groundhog Day.”

Regardless of what went wrong last week or the mistakes I made, my reflection reminds me that this is a new week and a chance to start over. I could easily succumb to the negative thoughts about Monday but my reflection reminds me what I wonderful day it really is. It reminds me of my blessings and that today is a new start. Why start off the week with a down feeling? Life is a series of opportunities that are presented to us each day. The time I have on Monday is no different than the time I have on Saturday or Sunday. I choose my life by the choices I make with the time I have. So do you. There are no Mondays or Saturdays; these are only labels that we put on time and the great cycle of life. These labels are simply conveniences and instead we turn them into traps. We have Mondays, Hump-days, TGIF days, work-days and holidays. Each of these days is what you make out of them. Each one is a potential to live a new life and to have a new beginning.

Do you see Mondays as a day to dislike or can you see Mondays as a springboard to a new beginning and a new life? Which way would you rather see Monday? What would make your life a new beginning this Monday? It is your choice! Read the book Thank God its Monday” for a new way of thinking about life.

The day after Thanksgiving! Specials, up-early, out with your siblings, bargains galore. The day has become a sort of party for many of us who love shopping or just an excuse for an adventure. Speaking of partys, wow, how we all love parties. Baby Boomers, Gen X and Gen Y all have one thing in common. They all love parties. I have a party to go to! It’s a wedding party, a dinner party, an office party, a graduation party, a birthday party, a Halloween party, a holiday party, or just a plain old party. I have to get ready for the party. What will I wear? How will I look? What time should I arrive? What should I bring? What should I say when I get there? Will so and so be there? Questions, anxiety, propriety and tradition all fill our minds when we think of going to a party. Yet, few of us will refuse a party invitation unless we have an even better party to go to.

We seldom ask what it means to party as we assume we know. Nevertheless, we all have a very different idea of what “party-time” means. Some of us see it as a chance to drink and eat. Some of us see it as a chance to meet and mingle with the other sex. Some of use see it as chance to network and refresh our business contacts. Some of us see it as a chance to show off our new status or accomplishments. All of us have different associations of what party-time means.

Traditionally, a party is a time to celebrate and join together with others in a socially relaxed setting. In more modern times, business has been added as a legitimate element of parties. We now have Amway Parties, Tupperware Parties and Lingerie Parties. Most often we find women going to these. Have you ever wondered why we don’t have these house parties for men? Of course, men have stag parties and bachelor parties, but women now have bachelorette parties. Maybe men get enough of their business done on the golf course. What is your favorite type of party? Why? What is the best party you have ever gone to? If you could design the greatest party in the world, how would it look? Who would you invite? Where would you have it? How long would it last? Can I come?

Holiday time or Holy-Day time? Each year I wonder what time people are really celebrating. Christmas becomes X-Mass, holy-days become holidays, days of remembrance become good days to host a backyard barbecue. Where it the soul in our bodies? Where is the spirit in our natures? Is time off meant to be simply another day to watch the “big game.” Are holy-days meant to be spent shopping? Is Santa Claus a Christian because he gives toys to tots? Was that Christ’s message, to spend Christmas roasting chestnuts round an open fire singing Jingle Bell Rock?

It’s not my intentions to sound like a Grinch or to “cast stones” at sinners. We all need time to relax and we all need time for fun and games. However, when do we say enough? What about the meaning of the time that we are granted. Do we simply see our time off as a holiday or do we embrace this gift as a time to remember our dead, our veterans, our special leaders and those they helped pave the way for us. These “holidays” we are given each year, whether in remembrance of a religious or civic event should not pass by without our taking the time to remember what their true meaning is.

This Thanksgiving, will you take the time to say a prayer of thanks, will you ask all present to thank God or whomever or whatever you believe in for the gifts and the life you are living? This year, I will ask all present at my Thanksgiving table to take a minute to express what they are thankful for in their lives; then we will dive in on the turkey, stuffing, and dressing. Do you know a prayer of thanks? What is your favorite prayer?