Aging Capriciously

Perhaps the most valued time in our modern world is our “leisure time.” Everyone wants more leisure time. Few of us have enough of it or think we do. But do you know what the word leisure means? Without a dictionary, we would all define it very differently. For what is one person’s leisure (working in a garden) is another’s tedium. My best friend loves to work on cars, while I hate the task and will bring mine into a shop. Another friend loves to work on his house, while I am forever looking for handymen to take care of odd jobs. I spend a great deal of leisure time on my computer.

Dictionary.com defines leisure as: “Freedom from time-consuming duties, responsibilities, or activities.” This definition does not make sense if you think about it. Since everything takes time, how can we ever really be free from “time-consuming” activities? Do you know anything that can be done that will not involve an expenditure of time? Whether I go on vacation, play or go to work, I will consume time. Even prayer and meditation consume time.

Leisure time has more to do with being free from goals and obligations than it does with not consuming time. Thus, freedom from duties and responsibilities is more germane to our concept of leisure time than simply not spending time. Leisure time is time when I do not have to be goal oriented or time that is not driven by some overarching responsibility. There are precious few of these moments for many of us. Even recreation and play can seem like responsibilities or work generating teaks. How many of us go on vacation and need one when we get back? Playing can be hard work for many of us if we turn it into the inevitable competition that exists in our world today.

How much leisure time do you have in your day, in your week, in your life? Is it time that is truly free of goals and responsibilities? Do you get enough of this time? If not, how could you have more leisure time in your life? What is one thing you could do today to give yourself some more “leisure time.” What would your life be like if you had more leisure time each day to just do what you want to do?

Family time is one of the most important times in our lives. It is the time we set aside for our children and our spouse. Sometimes it seems hard to “find” this time, but unless we make the effort, we grow old without really creating those essential bonds for a family. When my daughter was young, I tried to have a fixed time each week to do something together with her. As she got older and had more friends it became more difficult to find the time each week. Nevertheless, no matter how much we say we love someone, there is nothing like being there for them.

The need to be there never ends. One morning Karen got up at 4:30 AM to travel 30 miles to take her oldest daughter to the hospital for surgery. Julie, (Karen’s Oldest) was having a hysterectomy and Karen wanted to be there with her at the hospital. Karen asked her boss for the day off so she could drive Julie to the hospital and spend the day with her. It would have been very easy for Karen to find an excuse: “It is really far to drive;” “I don’t have much vacation time left;” “There will be plenty of support at the hospital;”
“I will only spend most of my day sitting around.” Actually, all of these thoughts went through my head when Karen told me what she planned to do. However, to Karen, this was a form of family time and it was the most important time in the world that she could spend with her daughter.

In my second marriage, Karen and I fixed times to do something together as a family and to do something with just each other. I am not always good at keeping this family time and it is not always “quality” time but as I look back, I would never give up these times. If there were one most important “time” in my relationship with Karen, it is this “family time.” I think Karen and I have grown closer together and become more loving and intimate as time has gone by. Our family time and family meetings are still weekly events which we adhere to. Sometimes they end up in disagreements or the discussion of unpleasant issues. The alternative is to ignore problems and just let them build up. I have found that it is never one big issue that destroys a relationship. It is the pile up of straws that as the proverb goes eventually “breaks the camels back.” Family time for me is not only time together, it is problem-solving time to improve our relationship.

Do you have a family time? Do you have a set time each week to spend together for fun and for discussion? If so, do you find this time valuable? If not, what would it take to create this time? What would it take to improve the quality of your time together with your family? Will you regret that you did not take this time in the years to come? Can you start this week with more family time?

We are all familiar with the concept of “Prime time.” According to Wikipedia, Prime
Time is defined as “the block of time with the most viewers and is generally where television networks and local stations reap much of their advertising revenues.” Thus for some, Prime Time is where the most money can be made.

However, what if we thought of Prime Time as a kind of Angus Beef time, in other words the choicest time of the day or our lives? Just like there are different cuts of beef denoting the value of the beef, we could have different cuts of time such as: Standard time, Choice Time, Select Time and Prime Time. Choice Time would be a lower grade of time. Work time and time spent on activities that were necessary might be Choice Time. Select Time would be time that we can select to do what we want with. Select Time can be play time or relaxation time or time which we just spend in front of the TV. Prime Time is the most special time of the day. It is the premium time we spend. It is the time that is richest in flavor and value. It is the time that you would least want to give up.

My Prime Time is the time I spend with my spouse when we both come home from work. It is the time that I spend with my grandchildren and the time I spend with my best friends. I am never sure whether my other times will be fun or worthwhile. The time I spend with my loved ones transcends being fun or worthwhile. It is a prime part of my life.

What is the Prime Time of your life? Do you regard Prime Time as ongoing, or do you feel you have already “tasted” it? Can you enjoy Prime Time every day of the week or do you just have a few days of Prime Time each week? Do you have enough Prime Time in your life? What can you do to have more Prime Time in your life?

I have some “left-over” time today. Like left-over food, if I don’t use it, it will probably spoil. You cannot save left-over time too long, since something will inevitably come up to take it away from you. We get left-over time when we finish something sooner than we thought we would. I may budget four hours for a project but instead it only takes three. I now have 1 hour left-over. If I don’t save this time, I will surely be able to use it up right away. Left-overs are one of life’s many blessings to us. Do you know anybody that does not like left-overs? It is so much fun to go back down to the refrigerator after all the company has left and find left-over turkey or chicken or a roast to pick on.

Left-over time can be equally wonderful. We all love to have time left to spend on something that we did not plan or did not anticipate. It is all too rare these days to find ourselves with left-over time. Of course, if you get to the airport and find out that your plane was delayed, you might be at a loss as to what to do with your time. At this point, there is no refrigerator to store your left-over time in. Many people plan for such delays and creatively find uses for left-over time. Much like some good cooks can make more interesting second meals out of left-overs, some people find very novel ways to spend their left-over time. Take a trip to an airport sometime and look at all the ways that people spend their left-over time.

Left-over food always seems to taste better when you eat it then when it was cooked. Do you think “left-over time” gets better when you can put it away and bring it out later to use? Does time age well or does it go stale very quickly? How long can you keep left-over time? When do you ever have “left-overs” for time? If you finish something today in less time than you had anticipated, what will you do with your left-over time today? Are you creative with your left-over time? Maybe we all need to start finding a better way to have “left-overs” for time and more creative ways to spend it?

Restless times are those times when we just can’t seem to be comfortable. Sometimes they happen when we are nervous, sometimes when we are worried and other times when we are just too tired too sleep or relax. I often get restless when I am on a long plane trip. I get restless just before I am going to go on vacation or before an important presentation or training session. Sometimes, I will get up early because I can’t sleep. I have even been known to go out and jog at 11 PM. It is easier to deal with restlessness when you are home because you have the advantage of familiarity with your surroundings. On vacations, I get very restless when I start to miss being at work and my familiar routines.

A large part of restlessness may have to do with having less control over things that are happening to us. They say the body has its own wisdom. Many times we choose not to listen to the “wisdom” of our body. There is usually a price paid for this mistake. Restlessness may be a way that our bodies are trying to tell us something. Discovering the underlying worry or problem can be one solution. Meditation can be a good solution but it takes quite a bit of discipline to meditate when we are restless. Our vast pharmacological cornucopia is more than ready to sedate us or medicate us with pills and prescriptions. The problem with this solution (not to mention drug side effects) is that it numbs our bodies and minds to the true cause of our problem. Taking a drug for “restless” leg syndrome may mask the fact that our legs are crying for exercise or some stimulation. Conversely, they may just need some rest. Do you know anyone on a long plane trip who does not get symptoms of “restless” leg syndrome? However, we all want quick fixes and the medicine cabinet is increasingly full of them. Beware the price you pay though!

Are you ever restless? What makes you restless? What can you do about it? Do you look for the quick fix? What price do you pay when you take a quick fix? Pay attention today and notice if and when you are restless. When you are restless, what could your body be trying to tell you? What are some things that you could do to better address your restlessness than going to the medicine cabinet?

“But time makes you bolder” are lines from a song by the rock group Fleetwood Mac. But does it? We have a saying in motorcycling that “There are bold riders and there are old riders, but there are no ‘old’ bold riders.” I find that as I grow older, I am getting more cautious in many areas of my life. When we are young, we think we will live forever. When we grow old, we are much more aware of our mortality. We no longer think we are invincible. We have suffered broken bones and broken hearts. We realize that few things will last forever. This makes us more cautious. Once you find that fire burns, you are less likely to stick your hand in it. There are many things in life that burn. The older we get, the (hopefully) wiser we become.

As with anything, we can be overly cautious. Age can bring wisdom and vigilance. However, excessive vigilance and caution can make us pass up many wonderful opportunities. Life cannot be lived to the fullest strictly by observing caution. I tell my students that everything in life involves risk. We all must be risk takers to live. There are two types of risk takers. One is smart, these are the risk minimizers. The other is foolish. These are the risk maximizers. For example, a risk maximizer does not wear a helmet while riding. A risk minimizer always wears a helmet when riding. You cannot be successful in business without taking risks either. However, you have a choice between being a risk minimizer or a risk maximizer. A smart business person tries to minimize risk.

The question for all of us as we age is this: “Where do we need to be “bolder” and where is it smart to be more cautious?” I would hate to think that growing old meant I had to give up motorcycling, skiing, skydiving, scuba diving or any of the other sports that I enjoy. Nevertheless, I would like to think I am more cautious in each of these activities and that I no longer take the same risks I did when I was younger and bolder. Where in your life have you become more cautious? Where have you become too cautious? Are there areas where you need to take “more” risk? How about areas where you need to take fewer risks?

“Run Lola Run” was a fascinating movie about the subject of time and chance in our lives. In the movie, a young woman gets to keep replaying the same twenty minutes during which time she must find and bring 100,000 Deutschmarks to her boyfriend before he robs a grocery store. If he does not come up with the money, he will forfeit his life to the thief whose money he lost. If he robs the store, he will be killed or become an outlaw. It is up to Lola to use the twenty minutes to get the money and bring it to her boyfriend. When she is not successful the first time, the clock is reset and she gets to try again. Each time the clock is reset, the movie starts out with Lola madly running, as she is fully aware that she has only twenty minutes to save her boyfriend. Each time, you think that it is a replay but you will soon notice that something different happens each time leading to a different result. There are three or four “retakes” and finally she gets it “right.” She obtains the money and saves her boyfriends life.

The story is engrossing as we want Lola to succeed. However each time she fails, it makes us wonder if it is really in the cards. But Lola does not give up. Many of us think that this is just a movie. In life we never get a second chance. We cannot reply the mistakes we made. At least that is how many of us feel. In reality, we replay our mistakes many times. Do you know anyone who had an unhappy or wronged life on the basis of only one event? When you notice someone going to jail for some crime, it is seldom that they do so for the “first” offense. If we are not patient, compassionate or happy, it is generally not the result of one episode of mistreatment. Similarly, our lives do not have to continue down the same track. As the saying goes “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

What in your life, do you wish you could replay? Where have you given up and not taken the second, third or even fourth try? What would happen today if you could play it over and keep trying until you got it right? What might be different in your life now? Is it too late, or have you simply given up? Perhaps not all things can be changed, but there are many that can. What can you find in your life that you can and will start to replay?

Father Time – the personification of time is usually a bearded man of advanced years, wearing a robe and sometimes carrying a scythe or an hourglass. Some say he is derived from the Greek God Saturn or Chronos. I would like to know why he is Father Time and not Mother Time. Why does he not have a female companion on his journeys? Have you ever noticed that many of the Greek virtues are feminine? However, time is always thought of as masculine. While we speak of Mother Earth, we are led by Father Time. Time is the progenitor of life. Without time nothing happens. Eggs would not develop; life would not spring forth to grow. Thus Father Time becomes a key parent to all life. Just as Mother Earth nurtures life, Father Time gives time to life and provides the key elements for life to grow. Life can be seen as requiring both the masculine and feminine elements. The female elements are embodied in nurturance and support. The masculine elements are action oriented driven by time and tasks.

What are the implications of this view of time as masculine? Who is Father Time a father to? What parental guidance or parental role does he play in our daily lives? One might ask what role you as a parent play with your children in respect to time. Do you get them up in the morning to go to school? Do you let them sleep in on the weekends? Do you teach them to be responsible for tasks being done on time? Do you make sure they share their time with others? Do you teach them that time is valuable and not to be wasted? Will they grow up knowing the value of time?What are the parental responsibilities that you transmit to your children in respect to time? What do your expectations teach your children about time? What should you be teaching your children about time?

“Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be.” This was a poem that my first wife found when we were just married. I loved the poem and in some sense it embodied what I felt married life should be about. There were many times during our marriage when I thought about this poem. We ended in divorce after 16 years. I was never sure why the marriage ended. We fought, loved, laughed and suffered through ups and downs with money but none of these things ended the marriage. I once added up all my theories on why the marriage ended and I came up with 32 theories. Many years later, I came up with a new theory and decided that all the old theories are bunk. For years we saw each other and I considered my former wife a friend. However, we have since drifted apart and for perhaps the same unfathomable reasons that the marriage failed, the friendship has since faded away.

I am left with the poem and while I still think about it a great deal, it now is more related to my second marriage and the hopes and dreams I have for it. What a wonderful thought that we can share life together with another person and expect that the best of life is still to come. I am facing old age and looking towards the last 20 years of my life. Yet, I can more easily believe the words of this poem today then when I was young. I now realize that relationships are not made in heaven, they are made on earth. Relationships are like flowers and gardens. They must be nurtured and pampered and tended daily with loving care. There will be weeds and dry days and floods and tornados. Rabbits and other critters will intrude on your garden and eat your flowers. A garden is not fixed in stone. Each year requires renewed effort to bring out the best in it. Our relationships are a lot like gardens. If you continue working on your relationships, they will only get better and better. If you think that your garden will take care of itself and never need replanting or watering, you will soon find that your garden is nothing but weeds and stones.

Do you have faith that your relationships with your friends and loved ones can be better or do you just take them for granted? Do you believe that your life will get better and better if you keep improving it each day? Do you think your life might also be like a garden? What could you do to improve your relationships or your life today? What challenges could you take today to make your life more interesting or more fun? What parts of your relationships with your loved ones need watering or replanting? What weeds do you need to remove in your relationships?

Every Friday I look forward to a Friday night fish fry. Ever since I was a little kid, Friday night meant fish. Of course, this was because I grew up in an Italian Catholic family and we could not eat meat on Friday. One might think I would grow up to hate fish but instead I have become so fond of fish that I eat all kinds of fish, cephalapods, crusteaceans, mollusks and other assorted phylum that swim and paddle in the lakes, oceans and waters covering the earth. I have never met a fish I did not like. Too fishy, has no place in my vocabulary. It is like saying beef is too steaky or ham is too porky.

It seems when we grow up, we either radically reject the traditions of our childhood or we embrace them with a passion that is beyond rational thought. Many people are surprised at my passion for fish. However, I have found other “passions” both embraced and rejected that I attribute to my growing up. Sometimes, when we do not recognize the history or etiology of our passions, they can rule and perhaps ruin our pleasure in life. Such as when we say “I always do it this way.” We can follow well established paths that can become ruts that blind us to new opportunities and new pleasures in life. Many times we can be chained by traditions but traditions are generally more visible and hence we are aware of them. Being aware gives us more opportunity to change our traditions if we so desire. However, subtle passions that grew from childhood are more deeply engrained and more difficult to change.

How often have you recognized a “Rule” or “Habit” that you follow because that was what you learned when you were growing up. “Haste makes waste.” “A stitch in time saves nine.” “The early bird catches the worm.” Many of these kinds of advice are helpful if not carried to extremes. The problem is they can become habits in our lives that become counterproductive because we take them to extremes. Thus we follow patterns of behavior that are rigid and inflexible. We become the character of our past rather the a character that is in process and shaped by the present.

Today, take a minute to reflect on the habits, manners and beliefs that guide your life. Which of these are helpful. Which are keeping you from moving forward in your life? How many of these spring from the rules and obligations of your childhood? Which of these will you change?