It’s the most Stressful time of the year

07 Dec 2024 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I decided to do a little take off on the classic Andy Williams song “The Happiest Time of the Year.”  Did you know there are more suicides in December than any other month in the year?  Actually, that is not true. Suicides peak in the Spring.  It is a myth held by many people that suicides peak at Christmas time.

( https://www.asc.upenn.edu/news-events/news/suicides-dont-spike-around-holiday-season-americans-think-they-do)

One major study of suicides done Internationally found that suicide risk was highest on Mondays and increased on New Year’s day in most countries. However, the risk of suicide on weekends and Christmas varied by country and territory.  This study stated that:

“Public holidays seem to provide a protective association with suicidal events, however, several studies have reported an increase in risk in the immediately following days.812 However, a few other studies reported no strong linkage between suicide and general holidays.”1314

“The broken-promise effect theory has been widely adapted to explain short term temporal variations in suicide. It states that individuals may postpone committing suicide due to the hope of a “new beginning” when the cycle ends (e.g., weekends and the end of the year),810 while people may be prone to suicidal reactions when they encounter a sense of hopelessness from a new cycle” (eg, Monday and New Year). —- Association of Holidays and the Day of the Week with Suicide Risk.  A Multicountry Study.  BMJ 2024; 387 doi: https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj-2024-077262 (Published 23 October 2024)

This is probably much more technical than you wanted to think about today.  Perhaps my song will cheer you up.  Grab a cup of eggnog, dump some rum in it, put on your favorite Christmas carols and be lulled to sleep while humming my song.

IT’s the Most Stressful Time of the Year. 

It’s the most Stressful time of the year

With the kids out of school

Everyone expecting you to be of good cheer

It’s the most stressful time of the year

It’s the worst season of all

With fake holiday greetings

So called friends come to call

Relatives you can’t stand

It’s the worst season of all

There’ll be Christmas parties for finding gifts

Artery clogging Junk foods for getting obese on

Than slogging out to shovel the snow

There’ll be old family stories

And boring tales of the glories of

Christmases long, long ago

It’s the most stressful time of the year

There’ll be much flues and colds

And phones will be chiming

When loved ones get sick

Just to tell you they’re not coming

It’s the most stressful time of the year

There’ll be parties for pay for

Crowds to fight through

Numerous debts will be accrued

With bank accounts depleted

There’ll be worries about spending

Endless pleas for donations

And advertising never ending

It’s the most stressful time of the year

There’ll be much grousing and moaning

For who to buy presents

And how much to spend

For gifts to throw in their garbage bin

It’s the most stressful time

Yes the most stressful l time

Oh the most stressful time

Of the whole fucking year

My Apologies to those of you who love Christmas

My Final Will and Testament – These Are My Unfulfilled Desires – Reflection #14

02 Dec 2024 3 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Two years ago at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that the Retreat Master gave us included a particularly challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.”  I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now over a year since this retreat, and I have almost completed the mental and emotional effort necessary to write all fourteen reflections for my “Testament.”   This reflection will finish the task that I started several months ago.

To Recap Somewhat:  The worksheet started with these instructions:

“Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a ‘Testament’ for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”

This is the final reflection.  It is Number 14 on the worksheet. 

  1. These are my unfulfilled desires:

The following unfulfilled desires are in no particular order.  I have waited a long time to compose this last reflection for my final Testament.  I struggled with how to say what I wanted to say without seeming like I was expecting any sympathy or support.  I neither look for nor desire any support.  At my age, I have been through enough self-reflection and counseling to know that I am not going to change my mind.  You see it is not a mind thing at all.  It is a feeling thing.  Try as I might, I still cannot shake these feelings.

I knew that I would not feel-good writing this reflection because it sums up too much of my life.  I grew up hard and I gave back hard.  I do not know if I would do anything different if I had a second chance.  The world has always been a hard place for me.  I had the feeling all my life of being a “Motherless Child.”  The last thirty years of my life were based on my hope that I could and would make and see a difference in the world.  The recent US elections have shown me how wrong I was.  I have not given up but I have little faith in the outcome.

Here than are the three major areas of my unfulfilled desires.  I hope to make a case for how important these are for you as well as they are for me.

  1. To leave the world a better place than when I entered

Years ago, I did not care one iota for this goal.  I was only concerned with making money, being successful, getting rich and having an enjoyable time.  People who are Baby Boomers like me all say that they knew where they were when JFK was assassinated.  Fact is, I have not a clue where I was.  Sad to say, I did not care about his being assassinated.  I was not interested in politics and did not see that it had anything to do with my goals or desires.  Politics was so far out of my stream of consciousness that I had no desire to vote or be involved.

When I joined the military in 1964 at the age of 18, I wanted to go to Vietnam to kill communists.  My right-wing father had instilled in me the thought that communism was bad and all commies deserved to die. Despite three tries to get to Vietnam, I never left the United States.  However, during my last two years in the service, I met many returning Vietnam vets.  The real scoop that these returning vets gave me on the war completely turned my ideas around.  I realized that the war was immoral and unjust, and that we were killing many innocent people who wanted to live the same kind of life that we did in the good old USA.  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be universal goals.  My military experience taught me this truism.  I became increasingly politicized over the following years.

There are many ways to make a difference in the world.  For years, I split my goals.  On the one hand, I wanted to make as much money as possible and on the other hand, I wanted to make a difference in the world.  I finally arrived at the point in my life where money was no longer a primary goal and making a difference was everything to me.  The feeling that I was helping others to live the life of their dreams.  I realized that the biggest obstacle to peace and prosperity lie in changing systems.  Dr. Deming used to say “Put a good person in a bad system and the system will win every time.”

I came to believe that many systems in the USA needed changing.  The criminal justice system, the health care system, the education system, and the Fourth Estate were all broke.  I could see that they were so broken that it was not simply a matter of patching them up.  We needed to start from the ground up and craft totally new systems to reach goals for the 21st Century and not the 19th or 20th Century.  I believed that the only way to accomplish this was by finding leaders and supporting leaders who believed in the same goals that I did.  Obvious to anyone today, such a vision did not materialize.  Is it impossible?  Are all politicians sycophants and crooks?

Whether or not you voted for Trump, the saddest part about the American elections is that nearly eighty-nine million people did not vote.  This figure represents 36% of the countries eligible voting population.  How do we change systems when one third of the people are  against the changes needed and one third of the people do not give a damn?

I have tried over the years through writing, consulting, teaching, marching and protesting to make a difference.  It feels like trying to stop the tide from coming in with a bucket and shovel.  A futile effort that maybe makes one feel like they are doing something but in the end it is “All sound and fury signifying nothing.”  Perhaps a reason for depression or even despair but not good enough for giving up and quitting.  If I have learned one thing in life, it is that we really can never know whether or not we have made a difference.  Only time will judge my life and I am sure that I will not be around to see the verdict.

  1. To have taken better care of the people in my life

I have never been a “people” person.  Ideas were the stuff and building blocks of my life.  I would rather go to an academic lecture than a wedding or a birthday party.  I had no desire to see my grandkids play football  or baseball.  I never cared whether my parents showed up at my games so why should I bother going to watch any idiotic sporting events?  Too much time is spent on what I call the “Opiate” of the masses today.  I still do not understand how any intelligent people can suddenly lose their minds over a “home” game or a Super Bowl final.  God (If there is one) why cannot you save us from this malady?

Nevertheless, more empathy on my part towards the people in my life would have been nice.  I realize that I have intellectual empathy towards people, and I care deeply about poverty and injustice.  However, I lack emotional empathy that connects me with the person rather than the concept.  I would sooner go to a protest march than a funeral.  As Jesus said, “Let the dead bury the dead.”— Luke 9:60.

You cannot bring them back so why the fuss?  I now realize that funerals are not for the dead.  I did not have this insight when I was younger.  The past few years, I have helped to organize three “Celebrations of Life” for some close friends.  I was touched by how much each of these events meant for the surviving friends and relatives.  My regret is for the people that I neglected by not having this kind of emotional empathy many years ago.

  1. To have been a kinder and more generous person than I was

Growing up hard, I thought that all people should be hard.  Life should be based on facts and data and not wishes and dreams.  In more ways than I can tell in this short reflection, I was not kind to many friends and relatives including both of my wives.  AA has a point where you make an inventory of the people whom you need to apologize to or make amends to for some wrong that you did to them.  I have thought of this AA process many times but I would not know where to start.  I no longer remember many of the names of the people that I hurt.  I am not sure how I could contact them or what they would say.

Several years ago, I was on the Oprah Winfrey show as a guest.  Oprah had a show each year dealing with forgiveness.  I had written Oprah with my story about my relationship with my daughter Chris.  I was very mean and intolerant of Chris’s behavior when she was only a young child.  She had stopped talking to me after I left my first wife.  I did not write Oprah because I wanted to be on the show.  I wrote suggesting a show about parents and children who were alienated from each other.

I was subsequently called by an Oprah staff member who said that Oprah liked the idea and would I be willing to come on the show.  I answered NO!  That was the end of that or so I thought.  Several months later, the Oprah show again called me and asked, “Would I come on if my daughter also agreed to come on the show?”  I thought about this for a while and finally agreed to the idea.  Maybe ten years had passed between Chris and I without a word.  I hoped that maybe a public apology on my part would be enough to turn things around between us.

Prior to the show starting, I was in the iconic Green Room getting my bald head polished so as not to shine too much.  Oprah came in to visit me with her little dog.  We talked general pleasantries for a few minutes and then she warned me not to get my hopes up too high.  Chris had accepted her invitation to be on the show with me.  However Oprah cautioned that my apology and request for forgiveness might not be accepted.

I came out on the stage and my daughter sat opposite to me.  Oprah sat between us.  Oprah started by asking me what I did that I wanted to ask Chris to forgive me for.  I talked about my meanness, my emotional abuse, and my lack of tolerance for Chris.  I asked Chris for her forgiveness.  She said NO!  She did not forgive me and would not.  That was the end of that.

Maybe thirty or so more years went by with little or no communication between Chris and I.  About five years ago, I reached out to her with a text message when I came back to Minnesota.  She agreed to have lunch with me.  The first two hours went by with her telling me how much she disliked me.  The third hour something changed, and we had a most amiable discussion.  For the next four years, each time I came back to Minnesota, Chris and I met for lunch in Stillwater Minnesota.  We would have a long lunch to talk about our lives and what we were doing.  For about 3 hours once a year,  we have a normal father daughter relationship.

I am not sure if Chris has really forgiven me or not.  At this point, it does not seem to matter.  I have asked her to come down to Arizona to visit but she merely nods her head.  I have not told her that I am probably not coming to Minnesota anymore.  All my good friends have passed away.  It does not make sense to me to come up to Minnesota for a once-a-year three-hour lunch.  Not sure where our relationship will go from here.  I did get a Thanksgiving greeting from her a few days ago and that was something new.  A brief message that means the world to me.  

Conclusions and Finality:

Well, there are no conclusions to living until the real finality takes over.  My insights now will not fix the past for me.  Writing is not cathartic for me either.  I have gone over these thoughts more times than I can count in the past fifty years.  So why do I bother?  As with most writers, I hope to make a difference.  Maybe some of you reading my story will avoid the mistakes that I made.  If so, no amount of money or success could make me happier.

  • The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge: Bertrand Russell 
  • Life is about creating yourself: George Bernard Shaw 
  • Happiness depends upon ourselves: Aristotle 
  • Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving: Albert Einstein 
  • All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better: Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our Thanksgiving Message to the World, 11-28-2024

28 Nov 2024 8 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

5333-thanksgiving

Fear, Anger and Greed have become epidemic in society today.  The opposite of these traits are Peace, Love, and Charity.  I do not think the hope for civilization lies in politics or our political leaders.  But if we all will commit to spreading Peace, Love and Charity, I believe we can change the world.  Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see.”

When you say your blessing today at mealtime or whenever, bless the world for what you have.  Be grateful to those who helped you achieve your life and its attainments.  We all reach higher levels by standing on the shoulders of others who have helped or guided us along our chosen paths.  When you are done recognizing the people who have helped you, I would like to ask you to make a commitment.

The commitment is to promise to do all that you can to help spread Peace, Love and Charity to your friends, your relatives, your country, and the rest of the world.  Let each of us do what we can to erase the diseases of Fear, Anger and Greed.

May you all enjoy Peace, Love and Charity today and the rest of your lives. 

John and Karen Persico 

Why Are Americans so Misinformed About Economics?  — Part 1

26 Nov 2024 1 Comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Most people in the USA are woefully inept when it comes to understanding the basics of economic theory.  The resulting problem is that the public believes everything they hear from politicians and the media.  If the public is uninformed about economics, the media and politicians are even worse.  The difference is that politicians use their lack of knowledge to further their own political ambitions.  The media use the same lack of knowledge to drive advertising and to make money for their outlets.

By far, the greatest malignancy comes from the fact that the public lack of economic understanding leads to support for war efforts throughout the world.  American foreign economic policy is often based on greed and fear.  We use our military might to support regimes, despots and wars that will keep our economic system dominant.  We assume that the global marketplace is one of win-lose or zero-sum economics.  We do not believe that a win-win is possible with all nations.  Instead, we play zero-sum games with any countries that we think might threaten our economic dominance.

Former German Chancellor Angela Merkel argued President-elect Trump does not believe in “any win-win situation,” and it makes international collaboration difficult. — The Hill, 11/26/24

Economics can be divided into two branches.  One is called macroeconomics.  Macroeconomics is concerned with large-scale or general economic factors, such as interest rates and national productivity.  Placing tariffs or trade restrictions on other countries could be considered a macroeconomic decision.  The other branch is called microeconomics.  Microeconomics considers the behavior of decision takers within the economy, such as individuals, households and firms.  How much a given industry or company pays its workers versus how much it pays its senior executives could be considered a microeconomic policy.

I want to first talk about microeconomics and one of its major fallacies or myths.  In Part 2, I will discuss the problems of a macroeconomics policy myth based on a greedy Military Industrial Complex.  This microeconomics fallacy is the so-called Trickle-Down Theory.  This is the myth fostered by those with money or power that if you trust them to make as much money as possible, some of it will “trickle” down to you.  You might as well wait for the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.

A more accurate and predictable economic theory is that the “rich get richer, and the poor get poorer.”  Philanthropic efforts in the USA have done little or nothing to alleviate poverty.  Rich people would rather donate to the Metropolitan Opera than they would to a neighborhood poverty reduction program.  The prestige is greater by donating to the opera and the tax deductions are just as good.

“While philanthropy has contributed to alleviating poverty by providing direct assistance like food, shelter, and healthcare, its impact is often considered to be limited when compared to broader systemic changes like government policies, as philanthropy primarily acts as a supplementary tool in tackling the root causes of poverty; therefore, it can provide relief but may not achieve large-scale poverty eradication on its own.”  — Google AI

We can easily prove that Trickle Down theory does not work.  A little logic if you will.  Let us suppose that money trickled down in a company from wealthy entrepreneurs like Elon Musk to the worker bees.  If this were true, than over time, the wages between workers and senior executives should (while still being large) not be huge.  However, consider the following:

“According to recent data, the average CEO earns significantly more than a typical worker, with the pay ratio often exceeding 300 to 1, meaning a CEO makes roughly 300 times more than the average employee; for example, in 2023, the average CEO pay was estimated to be around 290 times that of a typical worker, compared to a ratio of 21 to 1 in 1965.”  — Google Generative AI

Some economists have claimed to find evidence to support assertions that the Trickle-Down theory actually does work.  But my friend, ask yourself these questions:

  • Would you trust that all economists are unbiased and willing to tell the truth about their employers?
  • If Trickle Down economics worked, than how come the gap in pay between the higher and lower workers has continued to grow over the past 50 years rather than shrink?
  • Finally, economists be damned. Do you really think rich people give one rat’s ass about your pay and whether or not there is “income inequality?”  How many millionaires do you know who donated their estates to poor people?

I do not believe in communism, but neither am I so callused as to believe that “poor people don’t deserve the money because they will just waste it.”  What I have observed in my 78 years on this earth is that some people get a head start in life and end up much higher on the ladder than those who start off without a ladder.  It has never been and never will be an equal playing field.  Talent and brains are not equally distributed.  Neither is health and longevity.  Money will never be equally distributed.  But these premises aside do not mean that a society should be structured simply to help the rich get richer at the expense of the poor people who provide the labor for them.

Today, we have a Roman Circus of means to help keep poor people poor and make the rich even richer.  One of the most notorious of these means is the availability of legalized gambling.  Gambling is one of the most egregious means of insuring that people who are poor will stay poor.  The odds on winning at some popular gambling activities are as follows:

  • Top prize on a poker machine (playing maximum lines): up to 1 in 7,000,000
  • The trifecta in a 13-horse race: 1 in 1,716
  • 1st division in Gold Lotto (one game): 1 in 8,145,060
  • 1st division in Powerball (one game): 1 in 134,490,400
  • The top prize on a $5 Crossword Instant Scratch-Its game: 1 in 1,700,000.

And now we have added sports betting to the number of ways that people can lose their hard owned cash.  The people making money want to keep you betting more and more.  The payoffs are random, which encourages people to think that they will win.  In psychology, it is called the “Gambler’s Fallacy.”  This is an incorrect belief that a random event is more or less likely to occur based on previous outcomes.  For instance, if heads comes up three times in a row on a coin toss, most people will bet that tails will come up on a fourth throw.  The odds are still fifty-fifty on any throw if it is a fair coin.  Consider the following facts:

“About 13.5% of gamblers go home from a casino having made any money.  This statistic comes from a study of 4,222 gamblers, and only 7 of them won more than $150.  Conversely, 217 of them lost over $5000 at casino games.  Also, note that those who play more often have lower chances of winning.” 

My wife and I occasionally go to a casino.  We may invest twenty dollars between us and then have a buffet dinner.  It is fun but we never bet more than twenty dollars total.  We know that we will walk out losers 98 percent of the time.  However, I have seen high school kids in some of my classes huddled together placing sports bets.  Would society not be better off showing them how to start a business and providing incentives for doing so rather than slick advertising designed to make them think that they can get rich betting on sports teams?

“The world’s 50 highest-paid athletes hauled in an estimated $3.88 billion over the last 12 months before taxes and agents’ fees, up 13% from last year’s record mark of $3.44 billion.  Roughly 76%, or $2.94 billion, came from on-field earnings (salaries, bonuses and prize money) partly because of the Middle Eastern money continuing to flow into sports.”  — Forbes ,MAY 16, 2024

Marx once said that religion was the opiate of the masses.  By this he meant that people were drugged into thinking that religion would bring them to a paradise where all their dreams could come true.  It would take death and being a true believer to get them to this paradise, but it was a sure thing.  Today, gambling and sports have become the opiate of the masses.  People dream of winning the lottery and getting rich.  Others dream of making it big in sports and becoming the next Michael Jordan.  People think their kids have a high probability of going on to a lucrative career in sports if they can only get a paid tuition to a major NCAA college.

The facts my friends do not support that your kids will be anywhere near getting into a major league sports team.

  • 59% of high school football and basketball players believe they will get a college scholarship    
  • 98 out of 100 high school athletes never play collegiate sports of any kind at any level.
  • Less than one out of every 100 high school athletes receive a scholarship of any kind to a Division I school.
  • Only 1 in 16,000 high school athletes attains a professional career in sports.

But why bust anyone’s bubble?  Aren’t we all entitled to our dreams?  What would life be without goals and hopes that exceed our grasp?  Who wants to tell their children that they cannot go for it?

I have been a parent like many of you.  I wanted the best for my daughter.  But I was under no illusions about the reality of the workplace world.  Too many poor people are unrealistic when it comes to understanding the economics of the workplace.  This leads to poor decision making and the ability of huckster politicians and greedy organizations to take advantage  of them.  The rich in America see the poor as a resource of suckers born every day.  “Caveat Emptor” means let the buyer beware.  Many of my MBA students subscribed to this belief when I was teaching at Metro State University.  I could argue against it all day, but the majority of what MBA students learn in college is that money is good, greed is good and that we deserve all we can beg, borrow or steal.

“No less a business expert than Dr. W. E. Deming was critical of traditional MBA programs, arguing that they often focused too heavily on short-term profit goals and not enough on long-term quality improvement, neglecting essential statistical tools and systemic understanding needed for true organizational change; he believed they often taught practices that were detrimental to continuous improvement within companies.” — Google AI

Rana Foroohar writing in Evonomics states that “MBAs are everywhere, yet the industries where you find fewer of them tend to be the most successful.  America’s shining technology and innovation hub—Silicon Valley—is relatively light on MBAs and heavy on engineers.  MBAs had almost nothing to do with the two major developments in the American business landscape over the last forty years: the Japanese-style quality revolution in manufacturing and the digital revolution.” —   Want to Kill Your Economy?  Have MBA Programs Churn out Takers Not Makers

Keep your dreams for tomorrow but base them on reality.  Do not trust what people asking you for your money or your vote try to sell you.  The only way to keep your money in your pocket is to keep informed and to pay little attention to the lies, disinformation and misinformation spread by politicians and the media.

In Part 2, I want to address the truth regarding our contempt towards Russia and China and the real reasons underlying our mistrust and hostility towards them.  These reasons are based on simple economic realities that our leaders do not want you to understand.  They want you to subscribe to doctrines of fear and hatred that will support the many unjust policies that we propose for our economic “enemies.”

War has been called a continuation of politics by other means.  Economic dominance is one side of the coin.  Political dominance is the other side.  War becomes the means to insure that we are both politically and economically dominant on the world stage.  These truths will explain why we continually assail both Russia and China as threats to America.  Some of these truths will also explain why we are supporting Israel’s genocide in the Mideast.

The Rich Young Man and the Novice Nun

23 Nov 2024 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The following story was related to me in a much briefer format at my Jesuit Retreat in July of 2024.  The Retreat Master told this tale to show the virtue of generosity.  In the story that he narrated, it involved a beggar and a nun.  I have embellished the story by changing the nature of the characters and the activities somewhat.  I do not know where the original tale came from but if anyone has an inkling, I would love to receive the name so that I can give credit to the author. —- John P. 

Once upon a time there was a young man named Ethan who was born into a very affluent family.  Ethan was brought up with all the goodies and toys that a rich family could afford.  Ethan was an only child to an elderly couple who could not believe their good fortune in having a son and heir in their later days.  To say he was spoiled would be an understatement.  He was the epitome of the privileged child who thought he deserved everything he got.  He treated the family servants like dirt.  Servants in his mind were not deserving of any respect. 

Perhaps because of his privilege, life was very easy for Ethan.  He did not bother to try to get good grades or worry about going to college.  Ethan expected to live with his elderly parents until they passed away and then the family fortune would be his.  However, life often has other plans for us.  Both of Ethan’s parents died in a private plane disaster.  Ethan was only twenty years old but their deaths did not really trouble him very much.  He assumed that he would now be rich and inherit their fortune.  Which is exactly what happened.

Now on his own, Ethan took to wine, women and gambling.  His father’s financial advisors tried to warn him that he was burning through the family fortune at a prodigious rate.  Ethan would heed no warnings.  The more warnings he received the more women he bought.  The more whiskey he drank and the more he gambled.  He thought nothing of buying a diamond ring or a new car for a girlfriend.  The new girlfriend would be tossed out of his mansion in a few weeks only to be replaced by a new gold digger. 

Finally, the inevitable happened.  Ethan’s advisors told him that he was broke.  Everything he thought he owned, cars, mansion, and boats would have to be sold to pay off his debts.  Ethan was astounded.  It took a few weeks, and an eviction notice before Ethan realized that he had no skills, no trade, no education and no money.  Indeed, he had no real friends either as he soon found out.  Attempts to borrow money from the bank and friends went nowhere.  He was on his own. 

Ethan went to a casino one night to see if he could win some of his fortune back.  He ended up stone cold drunk and tossed out of the casino when they found out that he could not pay his poker bets.  Homeless and penniless, Ethan hit the streets.  In the next few months, he learned to live in a cardboard shack and find leftover food by dumpster diving.  He learned to beg to get extra money for the gin that he was still addicted to.  The other beggars and street people hated his guts.  Ethan treated other homeless people as though they were inferior to him. 

In the area where Ethan now lived, there was a monastery.  Each day, the nuns would serve a hot meal, soup, or sandwiches to the street people.  These meals were served between the hours of 11:30 AM and 1:30 PM.  Whenever Ethan would go there, he would try to arrive as late as he could so that he did not have to associate with any of the other homeless people.  He regarded them as bums and still saw himself as superior to them. 

One day, Ethan arrived at the monastery too late for lunch.  He had fallen asleep under a tree in a local park and did not wake up until about 3 PM.  Nevertheless, he showed up at the monastery to try to get some food.  He banged on the door until a young novice nun opened the door.  “What can I help you with,” she inquired.  “Took your own sweet time to get here,” he belligerently replied.  “I want some food.”   “I am sorry,” Sister Regina said, “but the kitchen is closed, and we have no food prepared.”  “Don’t give me that bullshit, you have food, you are just too lazy to help another human being.  I thought your Jesus said to feed the hungry.  Well, I am hungry now and I want some food now.”    

Sister Regina thought about it for a minute but just then another Sister came to the door.  “Go away,” said the other Sister and “come back tomorrow at the proper lunch time.”  “No, that’s all right,” said Sister Regina, “I will try to find something for him to eat.”  She asked Ethan to “please wait here while I fix something for you to eat.”  Ethan agreed but warned her to hurry up as he was really hungry. 

Sister Regina went to the kitchen refrigerator and found some different lunch meats.  She located some bread and mayonnaise and made a nice cold cuts sandwich.  She grabbed a small lunch bag and put the sandwich in the bag.  Just as she was headed out of the kitchen, she noticed a candy bar on a shelf.  She thought this would make a nice desert and proceeded to pack the bar in with the sandwich. 

When she arrived back at the door, she opened the door and Ethan was waiting there. She told Ethan that she had found some cold cuts and made him a sandwich.  Ethan grabbed the bag and replied that she had taken her damn sweet time about it.  He went away without saying another word. 

Ethan walked to his private place in the park under his favorite tree.  He sat down and plucked the sandwich from the bag.  He took his time to eat the sandwich which he thought was very good.  He was about to throw the bag away, when he noticed that there was something else in the bag.  He reached inside the bar and found the candy bar.  At that point, something very mysterious happened.  Ethan thought “Well, I wonder why she gave me a candy bar?  Perhaps she was being nice to me. I wonder why she would do that?”  That is when it struck him. 

She was nice to him when he was a jerk towards her.  She did not have to include the candy bar.  Maybe I have been a jerk my whole life, he thought.  The more he thought about it, the more ashamed he was of the way he treated her and other people.  Somehow, sitting under that tree, Ethan resolved to change his life.  From now on, he was going to be kind to other people and to help them out when he could.  He would start today by going back to the monastery and apologizing to the young novitiate.

It was getting late and around about supper time when he arrived back at the monastery.  He knocked gently on the door and waited.  The door opened and it was the other Sister who had told him to go away before.  “What do you want,” she asked?  “I would like to speak to the young Sister that made the sandwich for me,” he said.  “Wait right here.” he was told, “I will see if she is available.”

Sister Regina came to the door and greeted Ethan.  “What can I do for you,” she inquired? “Nothing,” replied Ethan.  He than got down upon both knees and said “I am so sorry for the way that I treated you before.  I did not even deserve a sandwich and yet you took the time to make it for me and even add a candy bar.  I want you to know how grateful I am to you for that.  You have helped me to see the world completely differently.  From now on, every day I will come here early to help make lunch for the other homeless people and to help out any way I can.”  Sister Regina recognized that Ethan was sincere, and she told him how happy they would be for his help. 

Ethan did just as he said he would.  He showed up every day early to help prepare food and left late after the dishes and the kitchen had been cleaned.  Within a year, the Sisters voted to hire Ethan as a cook and custodian.  He lived in the monastery another fifty or so years until he passed away.  Before he died, he asked to see Mother Regina who had now become the head of the monastery.  Taking her hand, he told her how blessed he was to have had her come into his life.  He had lived a life that he wanted to and had no regrets.  No amount of fame or fortune could ever equal the happiness that he had found by helping others. 

“I want a president with a record of public service, someone whose life’s work shows our children that we don’t chase fame and fortune for ourselves: we fight to give everyone a chance to succeed.”  — Michelle Obama

What Are You Up To These Days?

18 Nov 2024 7 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

Have you ever run into an old friend, and they ask you “Well, what are you up to these days?”  I find this a very difficult question to answer for several reasons.  One is that I am not sure if they are just being polite or if they really  want to spend an hour or so listening to what I have been up to.  I generally presume that they won’t want to spend the time.  Another reason is that it does not seem polite to regale them with what some might construe as bragging.  For instance, I would like to say the following:

“I am building a new wall in China to rival the old one.  However, the China wall project is just a side hobby that keeps me busy until I get to play my new symphony with the London Philharmonic Orchestra.  I have to couple my symphony debut with my visit to the King of England.  I am being awarded an OBE for my contributions to English literature.  After that, Karen and I will leave on another round the world cruise.”  “Oh, do you know what an OBE is?”

“Kids and grandkids are all above average and Karen is happier than ever.” 

“And what are you doing these days?”  “Oops, times out, I have to run.  Call me for lunch the next time you are in town.”

More likely I will answer the above query with a very different response.  As a matter of fact, after our church breakfast this morning, one of the friends at our table asked me what I was going to do today.  My reply was honest, “I have no plans to do a darn thing today and I have nothing that I want to do.”  I actually cannot think of anything I would rather do than nothing.  Well, I may take a nap or help Karen eat some unbaked cookie dough.

As it gets nearer to Thanksgiving and Christmas, Karen’s baking genes kick in.  She  will bake enough lefse and Christmas cookies to last at least until Easter.   Most of Karen’s baking  goes to our stomachs, the stomachs of friends and neighbors and Karen’s children.   I keep wondering each year as the cost of sugar, butter, chocolate chips, pecans, walnuts, oil, flour and other cooking supplies go through the roof,  how long our IRA will last.

I suggested to Karen last year that we ask for a good-will donation from anyone she gives cookies to.  She thought I was being rather mercenary.  I tried to tell her about the “Prosperity Gospel” but being a good Lutheran from birth she would have none of it.  If you are not familiar with the “Prosperity Gospel”, it goes something like this:

Jesus was really very depressed because he was poor and did not have a limousine or private jet.  Jesus died because he wanted us all to be happy.  He knew the secret to happiness was to be wealthy.  He said, “It is very easy to thread a needle when you are rich, but poor skinny camels can never get through the eye of a needle.  Rich people will have many servants who are good at threading needles.”

The New Testament in some versions have Jesus saying the following: Luke 12:15

ESV:  And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one ‘s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”

 NIV:  Then he said to them, “Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”

As we get closer to Black Friday and Cyber Monday and Christmas and Boxing Day, we will again be able to watch all the good Christians trying to decide what Jesus really said or perhaps what he really meant about prosperity and wealth.  Did he really mean it when he said,  “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.” — Matthew 19:21

Or did he mean that you should plan your shopping spree very carefully, so you will be able to beat the other shoppers to the bargains and sales.  Get up early in the morning with a great shopping list and carefully measure the distance between the stores you want to go to.  Remember some stores will open earlier and some will have better bargains, so you need to plan your shopping very astutely.

Time, prices, sales, bargains, money and crowds are all factors to consider in developing your strategic shopping plan.  For those of you who are planning challenged, you can find online help in navigating the hoards of other shoppers who are just waiting to get the best bargains before you do.  Go to Godshopsmart.com  for a list of bargains and strategic shopping plans. Strategic shopping plans can be purchased for as little as $19.99, and they will be worth every penny.

If you want to have some great lefse (Do you know what lefse is?) or wonderful chocolate chip pecan bourbon cookies to keep you from starving while you wait in line, I will give you a good deal on a batch of either.  Your choice.  You pay shipping and handling costs.  A good friend of mine bakes many churros this time of the year.  They call her the Churro Lady.  Another acquaintance makes great tamales.  You can choose either pork or beef tamales or mixed.  I prefer the mixed.  I can get you a good deal on these as well.  Nothing like a hot tamale or warm churro while you stand in line at the cashier on Black Friday.

So, this holiday season, forget the elections.  Forget politics.  Jesus would want you to shop.  Get out there and do your best to get the best bargains.  The US economy depends on shoppers like you.  However, this Holiday season, please be mindful not to purchase any products from China, North Korea, Russia or Iran.  Anyone caught doing so might be in trouble with the new Office of Strategic Buying.  I hear from highly placed sources that either Lauren Bobert or Marjorie Taylor Greene might be named Director.  Big Brother Will Be Watching You!

1200px-Shop_till_you_drop

 PS:

Here is a great poem for those of you who want to start celebrating a “Do Nothing Day.”

I’m Sitting Doing Nothing

by Jack Prelutsky

I’m sitting doing nothing,

which I do extremely well.

Exactly how I do it

is impossible to tell.

I scarcely move a muscle,

but serenely stay in place,

not even slightly changing

the expression on my face.

I’m fond of doing nothing,

so I do it all day long.

Whenever I do nothing,

I don’t ever do it wrong.

When I am doing nothing,

there is nothing that I do,

for if I started something,

it would mean that I was through.

When I am doing nothing,

I’m immobile as a wall.

When I am doing nothing

I don’t do a thing at all.

It’s easy doing nothing

and I find it lots of fun,

though when I’m finally finished

I’m uncertain that I’m done.

A Post Script Four Years After I Wrote the Attached Blog

17 Nov 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

I wrote the following blog four years ago. Yesterday, November 16, 2024, I received the following email from the DNC.

To Persico.John@gmail.com 

John, 99% of people who receive this email won’t even finish reading this sentence.  We get it. $10, $20, or even a $5 donation might not seem like it can do a lot. But when thousands of people are donating all across the country, it can go a long way in defending our democracy.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote this blog 4 years ago.  

Money! Money! Money! No! I Don’t Have Any More Money to Give You!

When will we say ENOUGH. Politics is no longer about policies, character, integrity, honesty or what can I do for the country. It is all about how much money will it take to outspend the other party. I refused to give one penny this year to anyone. That was my way of protesting this insanity. What will it take for all of us to stop giving money to what amounts to a rat race to see who can spend the most on advertising that goes into the garbage pail. Here is a picture from my post office the day before the elections this year. Guess what the young man is throwing away? Guess what is in the garbage pail? Harris and Trump spent almost 2 billion dollars this year on their campaigns. Most of the money went to advertising.

Enough is Enough. How much more money do we want to throw in the garbage pail for lies, slanders, innuendos, misinformation, disinformation, calumnies, and distortions? I don’t know about you but I am not sending any politician any more money until we have some type of campaign reform. Here are my suggestions for major reforms.

  1. One term of six years for all elected political offices. After that the former politician cannot hold any government office for ten years so that they must go back into private business.
  2. Lobbying is a polite word for bribery and extortion. Make lobbying illegal and a criminal activity.
  3. Limit campaign spending for any office to no more than a million dollars from any and all sources. No exceptions.
  4. Ban all ads that call names or include slanders and calumnies.
  5. All Supreme Court justices must be selected by a bi-partisan committee for a term of no more than twenty years.

What Next after Trump’s Victory?

14 Nov 2024 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

First, we all want to know why and how Trump won.  Herein is a brief summary of some of the major reasons given by numerous analysts for Trump’s victory.  
 
“Sexism, racism, young males, rural angst, religion, Gaza, immigration, incel men, despair, Democrats off message, Biden, education level, conservative white women, inflation, right wing billionaires, Christian nationalists, desire for an anti-establishment figure, desire for change.” 
 
I have probably missed a few.  
 
The main reason I see is that Trump reflected 21st Century American values. Greed and narcissism among a large percentage of our populace who don’t want anything or anyone to get in the way of their shopping. They looked at Trump and saw themselves and their own values. 
 
The following quote was from a Salon newsletter.  
 
“This 2024 election is a referendum on the character of the Trump-voting public, and let’s not make it nice. They place minimal value on respect for truth and democratic institutions. They are more interested in punishing other people than in advancing the common good. They have a remarkable tolerance for crass and bullying behavior, care little for empathy and ethics, and are incapable of weighing basic facts.”
 
After reviewing many of the analyses of why Trump won, most of us are wondering what “next steps” could, should and will be.  My response to the election of Trump will be along the lines of the following:
 
Many of the comments I have read concerning the election reflect the dilemma between being and doing. I am going to try a middle ground. I want to avoid any savior complex as well as a “hopeless” complex. Not sure how I will manage it yet. In TQM we used the Pareto principle to attack problems.  We called it the 80/20 rule.  Twenty percent of your problems give you 80 percent of your headaches.  Thus, we always used some criteria to prioritize problems before starting to fix anything. 
 
My priorities stem from my reflections on comments as well as some of the demographics on voting during the election.  For instance, 110 million eligible people did not vote, 53 percent of White women voted for Trump, men (includes Black, White and Latino) preferred Trump 55 to 42 percent and 10 million fewer people voted Democrat than in 2020.  (Numbers behind the vote) After contemplating the meaning of these statistics and more, my top priorities would be:
 
1. Pure self interest/greed
2. Sexism
3. Anti-Establishment feeling
 
Not sure how to deal with any of these. Greed and sexism have been around since Moses. Best path may be grass roots action to educate people on economics. One thing for sure. Mainstream media is useless. It is strictly bent on making money. 
 
Peace, Wisdom and a Long and Healthy Life,

John,

Memories That Made My Life – Part 1

11 Nov 2024 4 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized

I hope you will enjoy my memories.  I also hope they evoke some happy memories of your own. 

Sitting on a dock in Galilee, RI watching the sun rise with a cup of hot steaming coffee.  The fishing boats are going out and will hopefully return with the lobsters and shrimp that Galilee is famous for.  The morning air is a little brisk and the wind blowing in from the Atlantic cooler now that Fall is here.  We will soon go for a walk down the beach and see what treasures we can find.  Three or four large quahog shells make good decorations where once they made functional ashtrays.  The world is far away, and our problems no longer exist. 

Putting another log on the fire.  The forest surrounds us, and we can hear the sound of night owls off in the pine woods.  It is a night with a full moon but still the flames light up the sky.  Sparks and fountains resembling fireworks blaze upward in the cool fall air.  Twisting, turning, the flames cancel out the moonlight.  We must balance being too close and getting singed by the fire with being too far from the heat and getting chilled.  Sometimes, we get choked by paths of smoke blown the wrong way by the wind.  When the fire is exactly right, we will toast our marshmallows and make smores.  The world is far away, and our problems no longer exist.

Laying on a soft bed of sand on a small island in the Caribbean sea.  Tufts of clouds drift by as our minds conjure up images of what the clouds portray.  The sand is so warm in the middle of the summer day that we need a blanket to keep the heat from burning our skin.  The heat feels good as our bodies are cooling off from the breeze that dries the salt water on our skin.  If we only stay a brief time, we can avoid needing any sunscreen lotion.  The sand cradles our limbs as we alternate between sleeping and meditating.  The world is far away, and our problems no longer exist. 

Gliding through a window wonderland of snow.  Like somewhat out of a fairy tale.  The trees are flocked with millions of snowflakes that glisten in the noon day sun.  A creek runs along the trail we are on.  The banks are covered with pure crystal ice while the middle of the creek sparkles with the water that escaped being frozen.  Further down the trail, we will come to the waterfall that will also be half frozen with diamond-like ice crystals and water cascading down to a deep blue pool below the falls.   If we stand still for a minute, we will almost always see a few deer off in the distance.  Perhaps they are surprised that humans can move so fast in the deep snow.  The world is far away, and our problems no longer exist. 

The sweat pours off my forehead into my eyes.  I dab at the perspiration so I can see where I am running with my trusty bandana.  The desert mountain trail requires concentration as it is littered with stones just waiting to trip me up.  I glance back and forth, looking forward and down.  A fall is inevitable, but I am prepared with knee and arm pads.  The large saguaros stand like sentinels honoring my approach.  Sometimes I pass between a pair of them on each side of the trail.  I say hello and hope they will get enough water this winter.  I continue my exercise.  Feeling blessed that I can still run these trails at 78 years of age and amazed at the beauty of the desert landscape.  Chollas, palo verde trees, ocotillo, prickly pears, diamond chollas, mesquite trees and many other flora that I do not know the names of stand like an army ready at attention.  In the spring, they will bloom with white, orange, red, yellow, purple, and blue blossoms.  Adding vivid colors to an almost entirely brown and green landscape.  The world is far away, and my problems no longer exist. 

Well, that is all for now folks.  I have several other memories I would like to share, but I will save them for Memories – Part 2.  Please feel free to add any of your memories in my comments section.  I would love to hear from you. 

 

 

A Theory of Relationships

08 Nov 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I participate in a high school mentoring program which matches up young students with older experienced men and women.  This was my second year in the program.  My mentee last year graduated and has become an alumnus of the program.  This year I was matched up with another student.  My new mentee was a young high school junior.  She wrote to me one day that she was in a relationship with someone and that it had become serious.  She wanted my advice.  Never one to shirk giving advice, I seem to always fail to hew to the dictum that “Wise people won’t need it, and fools won’t heed it.”  I sent her some comments based on my two marriages and nearly 60 years of being in a committed relationship.  The sixty years includes both my marriages.

Some days later, I found some notes from my retreat this summer.  These notes also addressed the subject of relationships or shall I say a “theory” of relationships.  I want to talk about my theory in this blog.  For many of you it will probably be “common knowledge.”  Nevertheless, I am hoping my insights might be useful to anyone out there either beginning or struggling with a relationship.  A relationship might be a friendship, a family member, a group you belong to or a loved one.  I think my theory will have some value to any such relationship.

According to Google AI, a good theory consists of the following:

  • A good theory is falsifiable (can be tested and potentially disproven).
  • Theories are designed to explain and predict phenomena.
  • A theory should be parsimonious, meaning it uses the simplest explanation possible while still adequately explaining the phenomenon.

A theory consists of concepts, constructs, precepts, variables, relationships between variables and assumptions.  I am going to posit five assumptions about relationships and then try to explain each adding in some of the above parts of a theory.  I will explain why I think each of my assumptions is critical to a good relationship.  I am not going to try to claim that my theory is a “good” theory by any scientific data.  Rather, I would justify it based on my ups and downs with relationships over sixty or more years of experience.  But as Dr. W. E. Deming often said, “Experience without theory teaches nothing.”  Thus, herein is my “Theory of Relationships.”  I hope some of these ideas will help you or others along the pathway of love and life.

My five key assumptions about relationships are as follows: 

  1. Relationships require risk
  2. Relationships require change
  3. Relationships require more than commitments
  4. Relationships require sacrifice
  5. Relationships require knowledge of self and other 
  1. Relationships require risk

Almost any effort in life will entail some element of risk.  As the saying goes, “The turtle only makes progress by sticking its neck out.”  Risk is a key concept that runs through life.  It can be thought of as the probability that something will happen either good or bad.  For instance, when you bet at a Casino or perhaps take a Caribbean cruise.  You hope to win the bet, and you hope your cruise will be safe and fun.

In life, we try to minimize risk by back-up plans, precautions and strategies to offset risk.  Variables can be created in some cases to give us more definitive measures of how risky a specific endeavor is.  In gambling we call these odds.  In love, we are usually to foolish to accept any odds on our relationship going south.  However, some people do set up prenuptial contracts which are a method to hedge your bet on your relationship.  Most people in love though are blind to the possibility that their relationship will end.  Odds are though that it will end unhappily.

Many people accept it as a fact that forty to fifty percent of all first marriages end in divorce, but those who wed multiple times face a far higher divorce rate.  The average length of a first marriage in the United States is around eight years.  The average length of a second marriage is about seven years.  Sixty to seventy percent of second marriages end in divorce. 

Being aware of risk does not mean giving up on life.  It simply means we must be realistic about the possibilities that risk entails for relationships and all other endeavors (This includes friendships).  There are many ways to minimize risk in a relationship.  Here are just a few examples:

  • Marriage Encounter Groups
  • Family meetings weekly
  • Marriage counseling
  • Here are some ten ideas from “Women’s Health”:

10 Ways to Save Your Marriage From Divorce, Straight From Relationship Experts

  1. Relationships require change

Perhaps one of the most overlooked facts impacting a relationship is the need for change.  Right, “your other needs to change but you do not.”  You are perfectly okay.  Change is an interesting concept.  One of the things most feared in life is change.  Ironically, we could not survive without change.  Unfortunately, not all changes turn out well.  Herein lies another risk factor.  Will your change be for the better or worse?  Hard to put odds on change, but most relationships will not survive unless the partners are willing to change.

I don’t mean change in just a physical sense but change in an emotional and cognitive sense.  Are you willing to accept major changes in your ideas about life and relationships?  Are you willing to accept major changes in how you feel about certain activities and people?  Without change, we know that life grows stale and boring.  Relationships are no different.  A relationship without change will become boring.  Doing the same old things day after day.  Even worse is when you refuse to think about some of the ideas you have that relate to your significant other.  For instance, If he or she likes to travel and you do not, are you willing to go along or have your partner go with a friend?  What accommodation are you willing to make if you are not willing to change your own behavior?  Love requires change.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it.  Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” — Carl Jung

  1. Relationships require more than commitments

We hear a great deal about commitment when it comes to relationships.  Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to something, like a person or a cause.  A commitment obligates you to do something.  In a relationship, it might involve a commitment to fidelity or to some fiduciary obligations.  We promise to “Love, honor and obey” in some marriage vows.  We think that making a commitment is enough to keep our relationship in safe waters.  Some people think that a commitment can be embodied in a “Marriage Contract.”  Such a document spells out mutual responsibilities and agreements.

At our last Marriage Encounter meeting, I was introduced to the distinction between a “Marriage Contract” and a “Marriage Covenant.”

Covenant                                    Contract

Unconditional                             50/50 agreement

A Covenant is forever                A Contract can be terminated

A Covenant is limitless               A Contract has limits

We tend to think of Covenants when it comes to Bible history.  Covenants were made between God and his chosen people.  The idea of a contract is a modern legal term.  I think it erodes the very essence of spirituality that a marriage or committed relationship should embody.  We need to adhere to the idea of a Covenant when it comes to a relationship.  Anything less leads inevitably to less than a committed relationship.  We can simply terminate it when the going gets rough.

  1. Relationships require sacrifice

Another interesting concept, Sacrifice.  What does sacrifice mean?  Are there any variables that can measure our sacrifices?  Jesus said that the greatest sacrifice anyone can make is to give up their lives for another.  I think the greatest sacrifice is to love someone who is unlovable.  To love someone who is despicable like a pedophile or a serial killer or someone who bullies and threatens others.  I do not know about such sacrifices, and I am not sure if I could make them.  I admire the partner or mother or father who can stick by their spouses or siblings when all hell breaks loose.  Can you imagine being called up by the police and told that your son just shot 20 people at school.  Could you stand by them?  What sacrifice it must entail not to stop loving someone who has done such cruel acts!  Fortunately, most relationships will never demand such sacrifices.

The sacrifices we make in relationships can range from trivial (like which way to put toilet paper on the roll) to the significant.  More significant sacrifices might entail deciding who will stay home with the children or who will give up where they want to live for the other person’s choice.   You may not face many significant sacrifices in your relationships, but you will most assuredly face many trivial sacrifices.  These should not be discounted or minimized though.  As the quote goes, “For want of a nail the shoe was lost, For want of a shoe the horse was lost, For want of a horse the rider was lost, For want of a rider the battle was lost.”  Trivial things add up like the straw that broke the camels back.  The trivial can go from a mole hill to a mountain in less time than many of us realize.  When the trivial become the mountain, your relationship will be in jeopardy.  The trivial sacrifices in a relationship are anything but trivial but they are certainly inevitable.

  1. Relationships require knowledge of self and other

This is the toughest requirement of all.  Socrates said that “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  What if you have never examined your life?  How many people do you know who have done a rigorous examination of their life?  Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  But what if you do not love yourself.  In truth, I doubt many people do.  Many people have been so beaten up by parents, teachers, bullies and even loved ones that they actually hate themselves.  Few of these people want to know themselves because it means facing hidden demons that they would just like to leave buried.   Gandhi said, “Be the change that you want to see in others.”  This axiom encourages a certain amount of self-understanding as well as understanding of others.  All too often we have no time to understand either.  The perp that is trying to rob you at gun point will not have time for you to understand him.  Furthermore, you may care very little about his troubled up bringing.

My uber pessimism on a premise that I insist is necessary for a good relationship seems to doom any relationship to the graveyard.  If we can never know ourselves or others, how then can we have a positive happy relationship.  The secret is that we do not have to be perfect, nor do we need perfect knowledge of ourselves or others.  We can never and will never be perfectly transparent to ourselves or others anyway.  The JOHARI Window has a quadrant of “Unknown to Others and Unknown to Self.”  I have found the JOHARI window to be quite a useful concept on the path to discovering more about myself and thinking about my relationship with others.

“The Johari window model is used to enhance the individual’s perception on others.  This model is based on two ideas- trust can be acquired by revealing information about you to others and learning yourselves from their feedback.  Each person is represented by the Johari model through four quadrants or windowpane.  Each four windowpanes signifies personal information, feelings, motivation and whether that information is known or unknown to oneself or others in four viewpoints.” — The Johari Window Model

The risk will always be there, but we can work on being more self-aware and more honest to others.  That is the best we can do in life.  That is why relationships are risky.  You will never be able to see all the shoals and reefs that your life might flounder on.   Life is a process of never-ending discovery.  Death will eventually bring closure to your adventures and explorations.  Until then, just getting in bed is risky so why not try to live life to the fullest.  Get out of bed and go MAKE a good relationship.

 

 

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