Aging Capriciously

How much longer?  How much longer? How much longer will it take?  From the point of view of the person waiting, longer can seem forever. From the point of view of one trying to get ready, longer may seem like a very short time. We say the movie was very long, the speech was very long; the job took a long time to get done. What this means is that we were not really excited about the time we had to wait.  Long is not a very precise word, but it generally denotes a length of time that is greater than we expected or more time than we wanted to spend.  When we are bored, time seems very long indeed.

In men speak, “how much longer” might be translated as “would you please hurry up, I would like to leave now.”  In women speak; the answer might be “I still need to get ready, would you please stop rushing me.”  If men and women have different language and thought patterns, do we differ in our conceptions of time and our methods for handling time?  To some extent, there may be differences due to culture and social influences.  However, I think the concept of long is more related to expectations and where expectations differ by culture then long will have a different meaning regardless of gender. 

I was once told that Asians think in centuries, Europeans think in decades and Americans think in weeks. If you don’t agree about this, think of how obsessed American business is with the quarterly report and end of month figures, not to mention the daily stock market prices. Americans are very pragmatic, but we typically have a very short time horizon. Our conception of long is very short compared to other cultures.  Hence, we think of a long war as anything over four years, where many cultures would think of a long war as lasting decades if not centuries. Think of the European wars than went on for over a hundred years.  Rome was in a perpetual state of warfare for many centuries. 

How long is long for you? How long is long for your spouse or partner?  Do you think gender plays a role in defining long?  Does it vary depending on who is waiting and who is not?  What role does patience play in waiting?  What role does respect play? Do you hesitate to start things because they will “take too long?”  What if you had more tolerance for “long” in your life?  

It’s Time to Go!  A brief play in one act by John Persico Jr.

The Time:     Today

The Setting:  My living room

Characters:  John the blogger

                      Charon:  The boatman who carries souls from this world to the next

John:  Sitting peacefully in his living room reading a book.  Suddenly, a strange looking man appears:

John:  “Who are you?”

Charon:  “It’s time to go!”

John:  “Go where?”

Charon:  “You will find out when you get there.”

John:  “What if I don’t want to go?”

Charon:  “You don’t really have a choice.”

John:  “Can you tell me where I am going?”

Charon: “No”

John:  “Am I going to heaven or hell?”

Charon:  “I don’t make that decision.”

John:  “I am very sorry but I am not ready to go.”

Charon:  “That is what they all say.”

John:  “Look, I have really just started to enjoy life.  I am due to collect Social Security in September and things would really be good then.  Couldn’t we postpone this trip for a few years?” 

Charon:  “No”

John:  “What about the chance to say goodbye to some loved ones and people I have not seen for several years, would a few days make any difference?” 

Charon:  “It is too late for that.”

John:  “I don’t think this is very fair. I have been leading a good life. I give to charity. I have been helping other people and I am finally in that part of my life where I am beginning to hope that I can make a difference in this world.  Couldn’t I get some sort of a delay?” 

Charon:  “No”

John:  “What about trading me for someone else? There are a lot of people who this world would not miss.  Why not take one of them?”

Charon:  “Would you want me to take your wife Karen instead?” 

John:  “No, of course not!”

Charon:  “Then please come along. It’s time to go.”

John: “Look, what if I made a deal with the devil to buy my soul?  Is that a possibility?”

Charon:  “No”

Charon:  “It’s time to go.” 

John:  “I really don’t want to go.  Could I have a few hours to say goodbye to Karen and Jeanine and a few of my close friends.”

Charon:  “No”

John:  “There were many times in my life when you could have taken me and I would not have cared. Now just when I am really starting to enjoy life, you come along and say it’s time to go.  It’s not fair.”

Charon:  “I seem to recall you telling your kids and students that life was not fair.”

John:  “Well, maybe I have changed my mind.”

Charon:  “Why are you making my job harder? It’s time to go.”

John:  “Sorry, but you are a real stubborn SOB! Is there no deal we can make?”

Charon: “No”

John:  “What about one last meal?”

Charon:  “No”

John:  “How about a last minute speech”

Charon:  “No, it’s time to go”

John:  “Still does not seem fair.”

John:  Fades away in the distance with Charon the boatman

When it’s your time to go, will you be ready and willing?  What if your time was today?  

To speak of the “sands of time” provokes an image of shifting sands and dunes with the grains of sand being blown helter skelter.  The shape of sand dunes is constantly changing and taking on new forms. Sand seems so weak and has such a lack of substance.  We warn people not to build their house on sand.  Sand is not a good foundation.   Our lives and efforts can be like this sand. Think about how brief our lives and accomplishments are particularly when measured against the human races time line of progress.  It is very interesting that some achievements of humankind are still studied and talked about (for instance, the steam engine and polio vaccine) while the vast multitude of human efforts are long forgotten.  

What makes some deeds and inventions so important and worthwhile that they will last as long as the sands continue to blow and shift?  You are likely to say “well, they made a big impact on the human race or they made an important contribution to progress.”  If so, were these events just random or were they as predetermined as evolution seems to be?  There are many people who believe life is predestined and that all the patterns of life are predetermined.  My best friend keeps telling me that “choice is an illusion.”  I argue that while the system and government we live in has a major impact on our choices, we can still make choices that change things.  He denies that we change anything and insists we are simply part of the overall flow in life and that my so-called choices are really myths that I believe in. 

So looking back at history, did we really choose these epochal events that changed humanity, or did the events choose us? Did Socrates, Jesus and Abraham Lincoln really have a choice in their lives or where they simply under influences they had no control over?  If we could go back and change things in the past, would our lives be any different today?   If we could go back and reorder events, which ones would we redo or leave out? What if we had not invented the atom bomb? What if the very possibility of the atom bomb and relativity never existed? What if Einstein had never been born?  How would the sands of time have been different? Alternatively, would the inevitable blowing and shifting still have caused the same patterns? Would we still have had Hitler and Stalin?  Would someone else had invented the atom bomb and plunged us into another Cold War?  

What choices that you make today will affect your life tomorrow and the day after?  What accomplishments or efforts of your life will fit into the progress of the human race? What achievements or goals are you striving for that will be remembered in the sands of time?  Are they worth the effort? 

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.” (Macbeth, V, v, 19, Shakespeare)

The above passage is perhaps the most famous speech in literature, spoken by Macbeth after learning of his wife’s suicide.  Why does this macabre and depressing analysis of life hold so much meaning for us? Is it because, like Macbeth, we sometimes feel a powerlessness and futility to life?  What is our “recorded time?”  Is this the time we are destined to live? Do you believe the time and date of your death is fixed? 

I think it might be inevitable to believe that we are fixed by fate and that life is controlled by forces and events beyond our power to influence. Nevertheless, we see countless examples of people who have changed the world for the better by denying the concept of predestination and fate.  Macbeth brought his own destiny upon him by his greed and avarice.  We go through life making choices and these choices decide what we will become.  We are more than candles and poor players upon a stage.  We may not quite be Nietzsche’s Superman, but we are a great deal more than fools and idiots. We are not all powerful but neither are we powerless.

I am always reminded of the serenity prayer: Please help me to know the difference between those things I can change and those things I cannot.  This is one example of pure wisdom. We can change some things and we cannot change others. What will you become if you do not try? What can you change today in your life?  What needs to be changed that you have felt powerless to change? What destiny are you following that is painful?  Who can you find that could help you change?  There is always someone out there who can and will help you?  Do you need to find that person today? 

When was the last time you asked the question or wondered what day it was?  It’s kind of a weird but in a way fun experience to totally lose track of the day it is.  For a minute, it is like “who am I and where am I.”  You feel disoriented and like you are out of sync with reality.  I would bet that for many of you, the last time this happened was when you were on vacation.  Many of us put our schedules away when we go on a vacation and we lose track of time.  It is a very exhilarating experience and one that is all too soon over.  For a brief instant, we are truly living in the moment and not worried about tomorrow and the problems of the future. The present has become sufficient unto itself.  

Sometimes you can lose track of the day for a longer period of time that just a few brief moments. I have been up to the Boundary Waters canoeing on three different occasions.  There was no email, cell phones, TV or newspapers where I went.  It took about three days and all of a sudden, I realized that I was not sure what day it was anymore.  Was today Sunday or Wednesday?  There was nothing in the trees or waters or sky that shouted out “Hey stupid, its 2 PM on Tuesday 2012 the month of May.”  No cosmic clocks, no beeping cell phone, no one saying “it’s time to get up, it’s time to go to school, it’s time to go to work, it’s time to go home.”  Each moment was the only time that existed.   It was either time to paddle, to eat, to camp, to fish or to portage.  One step at a time, one paddle at a time that was all it took to get through the day.  No one telling you, “it’s time to go.”  We paddled, swam, and ate just when we felt like it. 

Anyone writing a blog on time is someone whom you should suspect of either being a recovering “Time- aholic” or someone who needs to recover from being a “time-aholic.”  A time-aholic is someone who is addicted to time.  They must be on time, up on time, down on time, right on time, aware of the time, ready to go on time, there on time, done on time, start on time, know the time and of course never without the time.  They are so concerned with time that it governs their whole life. Like an addict on crack or some other drug, they can’t live without time and they mark the time between their fixes.  The time fix is getting done on time or starting on time.  A high awaits the time-aholic when they are rewarded with a new schedule or a new time goal.  Schedules and commitments are like a pure drug for the time junkie.  What would life be without time?  What would life be without goals and deadlines? 

How interesting that while I confess, I probably have been and maybe still am a time-aholic, I would guess this fits many of my readers as well.  It is interesting to speculate on whether this addiction stops when you retire.  If you think it does, you should read my blog on retirement.  I note that most retired people I know are now busier than when they are working.  The addiction does not quit just because you go on vacation or even when you retire.  The addiction is something that you must kick like you would any other bad habit. Many retirees simply adopt a new set of habits to slake their time addiction. Instead of running to work each day, they run to the golf course, or run to their bridge club or some other scheduled activity.  Try kicking a fixed schedule and see how long you can go without a time deadline or a scheduled appointment?  If you are like me, it might be a day or two and then you will need your fix.  “Oh, for a good appointment or someplace I need to be on time.” 

Being a time-aholic is perhaps a rather harmless addiction, but perhaps not.  Maybe we would all be happier without so much time in our lives.  We long for retirement and perhaps it is because we need to get off the clock.  We would like to kick the habit and we think that retirement will allow us to do this.  We delude ourselves into forgetting the real reason that we are addicted in the first place.  Ask yourself this question: “What is the essence of any addiction.”   I believe that if you can honestly answer this question, you would find the answer (as with any drug addiction), is that we would rather not live with ourselves as we are, so we substitute other things to fill our lives up with.  We do drugs or “time” to take our minds off of the present reality.  We don’t want to know who we are.  The addiction with time prevents us from really knowing ourselves since we are so busy with external stuff that we don’t have to just ever take the time to look inside. We don’t take the time to live with ourselves in the present (My apologies to those of you who meditate).  

How many schedules, meetings or appointments are you running off to today?  Do you feel better surrounded by appointments and deadlines? What does it take for you to get off the clock? When was the last time you forgot what day it was?  What was that like for you?  What if you spent one day a week without any appointments or time demands?  Is it possible?  Do you ever meditate?   

It is a time of happiness.  After thinking about times of sorrow, it seems right that we should reflect on the times of happiness in our lives.  It is easy to forget the times of happiness when we are feeling pain or sorrow. As in the sorrows in our life, most of the things that bring us the greatest happiness have to do with people.  Money, possessions, material goods and things never bring true happiness. 

Karen and I have gone on many trips over the years to other countries. We have been to over 33 countries and almost all of the US and Canada.  On several of these trips (but not all) we have been fortunate to make friends with people. Sometimes, it has been with local people we met accidently and other times it was with people we stayed with or did some business with on our trip.  Without a doubt, the trips where we met people have been our most fun, memorable and happiest trips. Sartre is reputed to have written that: “Hell is other people.” Perhaps this is true at times but it is even truer that “Happiness is other people.” People bring us the joy and pleasure in our lives.  People create the warmth and empathy that validate our existence and our undertakings. Things and objects do not validate or create warmth or support. When you are down or feeling depressed, you cannot talk to your car or boat or house. When you want to feel recognized for something you have accomplished, your things will not provide such recognition.

Whether it is your family, your children, your spouse or your friends, there is hardly a day that goes by when you are not thinking about them, playing with them or working with them in some way.  All of these interactions are what life is really about.  It is not about richness in things, it is about richness in people.  The time that we spend with people brings happiness and joy to our lives. True, people can disappoint, hurt and disrespect you, but eventually you move on and look for new relationships or you try to rebuild and make your old relationships better.  The time that you spend building relationships with people will be rewarded many times over. Would we spend so much time on relationships if people truly were hell? 

Think about all the happiness in your life today.  Think about your past happiness.  Who has helped to bring joy to your life? What relationships do you need to spend more time on?  What relationships need to be changed?  Spending time on relationships will be the most valuable time you can ever spend. 

Have you ever been told “It is a time of sorrow?” There are many times of sorrow for each of us in our lives. As much as we may try to escape these sorrowful times, they are inescapable. From birth to death, our lives are punctuated by times of sorrow. Fortunately, our sorrows are interspersed with happiness.  Each of handle sorrow in different ways, but we all share the pain, grief and suffering that goes with it.

Most sorrow comes from loss, loss of people we love or care about. While we might have sorrow over things, it is never as deep or painful as sorrow over people or even pets that we loved.  The loss of a loved one seems to leave a hole that never quite fills. We continue to think about them long after they have gone. Little things bring back the memories and times we shared. Sometimes, we think happily but wistfully about what might have been or what we should have done or said. 

Sometimes the sorrow is deep and sometimes not so deep, but always it will be lingering. Remember the song, “I am a man of constant sorrow.”  I think that song resonated with many of us because life sometimes seems overwhelmed by sorrows.  As we grow older, we face more and more of these sorrows.  We know that it is inevitable that our friends, pets, relatives and loved ones will pass away.  We know that we too shall pass. However, it isn’t our coming death that is most sorrowful for us.  In fact, of all the people whom we know will die in our lives; our own death will probably be the easiest. Our spouses, children or parents will most likely be the hardest.  

I joke with Karen that I want to go first, but we both know it is no joke.  I am being selfish.  I don’t want to deal with the sorrow. The number of spouses that die very shortly after their loved ones seems beyond mere coincidence.  It is hard to continue life without someone who loves you or someone whom you have spent most of your life with.  It may be easier to fact death than to face sorrow. How do you deal with sorrow? What sorrows linger in your life? Do you honor or ignore your feelings of pain and grief?  Do you accept the sorrow that some days bring or do you try to ignore and shut it out?  

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks or perhaps lives, where you are continually running from one thing to another?  No time to think, no time to eat, no time to breath!  Busy, busy, busy.  Well, that’s okay you say, because some day you will retire and everything will change.  Sounds good, but if you are like most people, it is a pipedream.  Most of the people I know who have retired will tell you that they are now busier than when they were working.  This does not make sense.  How can you possibly be busier when you are not working than when you are working?  This is a good question to ponder.  Let me share with you a typical schedule from one of the “retirement” centers near where we live in Arizona:  The Galloping Seniors Retirement Park:

8 AM                  Yoga on chairs

9 AM                  Dance lessons:  Waltz, Modern Dance (Tango optional)

10 AM                Card Games:  Bridge, Poker  (5 dollar limit on pot)

11 AM                Bingo

12 PM                Potluck Lunch

I PM                   Golf Tee off or balance training

3 PM                  Pickleball  (book club optional)

4:30 PM             Patio Drinks (Alcohol optional)

5:00 PM             Dinner for seniors (low calorie)

7:00 PM             Classic Movie Time or old reruns of Lawrence Welk show

9:00 PM             Bedtime

If you have any left over time, you might have grand-parenting responsibilities, church responsibilities, club memberships, family commitments, gardening, blogging, social clubs, continuing education and the occasional part-time job.  Then you have to factor in doctor appointments for increasing medical problems.  I have little doubt that the reason many old people talk about health incessantly is that medical problems and time spent dealing with them become a dominant use of time.   Medical problems are not optional like Pickleball. 

There is a simple solution to the problem of time.  Don’t retire!  Continue doing what you have done for the rest of your remaining life. Why screw things up with a new schedule when you have spent many years adjusting to the old schedule.  If you were not happy with your pre-retirement life what makes you think you will be any happier with a new post-retirement plan?    I know what you are thinking:  “How can he say that.  I have been working for thirty years with a dream of retirement and living each day fishing and golfing and he wants me to continue to work.  Is he nuts?”   One good reasons is that many studies show that people do not live long after they retire but then who really believes all of these so called scientific studies anyway. 

However, there are several other practical reasons not to retire. One is that you will not have to worry about the government taking your Medicare and social security benefits away.  Think of all the stress this will take off of your life knowing that you are not dependent on the government to pay for your increasing taxes and health care.  Of course, this will probably be offset somewhat by your rising health care costs which shortly before you die will exceed the national deficit.  I am sure you are all familiar with the costs of keeping an elderly person alive.  It goes up exponentially with each week or month aspired to.  Karen says that we should each live to be about 90 years old.  I figure that during my last year on this earth, I will probably contribute at least a million dollars to support the medical establishment.  By continuing to work, I can defer the costs somewhat and feel more useful even as my bones ache and my mobility diminishes.  In addition, when you are working, you get the weekends off.  Have you ever heard of a retiree with the weekends off?  This reminds me of another reason for the lack of time when we retire.

Have you ever noticed that retirees and the elderly move more slowly?  They also drive more slowly.  This means more time is spent simply getting from one place to another.  When we were young, we could go from A to B in zero time.   As teenagers we zipped from one place to another in the blink of any eye.  Now that we are older, we wait for the red light.  We look both ways before crossing the street.  We hold onto the bannister when walking up and down stairs.  We ponder the varieties and freshness of fruit and vegetables at the grocery store. We also take much longer in the buffet lines as we decide which non-healthy foods we dare take today. 

Karen keeps reminding me that I am going to grow old someday, but I am putting it off by not retiring.  When anyone asks if I am going to retire, I tell them my plan is to retire when I am 93.  With any luck, my job will still be in vogue and I can continue motivating students who need to develop career skills so that they can dream of retirement someday.  I hope to counter this dream of retirement by extolling the virtues of working until we die.  Why should anyone feel that they are entitled to quit being productive?  Why should the elderly feel that the young should support their flamboyant and hectic retirement lifestyles?  

Are you dreaming of retirement?  What will you do with your time?  What could help you to enjoy your retirement time more?  What can you do to help insure that your retirement is really a chance to enjoy life more and not fill your time with escapist activities?  The real danger of retirement in my opinion is that we think we can retire from life. 

Retire from work, but not from life.
— M. K. Soni

A mentor of mine told me that if I was going to write a blog, run a consulting firm or do anything in life, I should focus on the positive and not the negative.  I can hear his advice echoing each day in my mind.  Focus on the positive.  Focus on the positive. There is enough negative in the world.  You will help the world more by bringing more positive thoughts, hopes and aspirations into the world than focusing on the negative.  This has not been an easy task for me and one I still struggle with.  I tend towards the pessimistic side of life.  I see the stupidity as easily or even more easily than I do the intelligent things that go on in life.  It is like the one rotten apple that spoils the barrel.  It is easier to pick out the negative headlines than it is the positive headlines.  “Hey, don’t the negative headlines sell newspapers?”  Who would tune in every day to the news or Tele if they were bombarded with a constant stream of positive news?  In a way, that is a funny question.  Wouldn’t you think we would all like to be bombarded with “good news?”  Apparently, the reporters, talking heads and other commentators don’t think so.  I wonder what the reality is.   Would the public quickly stop buying newspapers and watching news on the web and TV if they were given as much good news as they currently get bad news? 

Nevertheless, the key issue here is a personal one.  Do I join the crowd and talk about the evil and bad things we all do and provide sage wisdom on how to repair the world or do I share advice and positive information that I hope will help you to use your time and money more wisely.  If we all used our time and money more wisely, wouldn’t the world be a better place?  Think of the mistakes that you have made in choices affecting your use of time and money.  Who we spend our time with and perhaps who and what we have spent our money on to a large extent defines our lives.  What if we were guided by the positive in everything we did and bought? 

Many years ago, when I was even more opinioned, a professor in the department where I was a graduate student proudly announced his purchase of a new sailboat.  It was quite a large boat and very ostentatious. I dared to question him about such a large purchase when there was so much poverty in the world.  He tartly replied that it was “my money and I can do with it as I please.”  Some thirty years later, this comment still evokes the question in my mind “Can we really just spend our money and time as we please or do we owe the world anything?”  I am not sure I could answer that question to your satisfaction.  I am not even sure that if you or I said no, it would make us better people than someone who said “heck yes.”  Does it matter how we spend our time and money if we are not hurting anyone else?   Perhaps, it requires a wisdom that is well beyond me to answer this question.  However, I hear the word of John Donne that:

I have little doubt that our actions all affect others and their actions affect us. We live in a world that is more united and interconnected than we tend to realize.  The butterfly beating its wings in China most assuredly has an impact on the weather half way around the world.  Whether or not the changes and effects of our actions is noticeable or whether they make a significant difference is one of those unknowns that may well be unknowable.  However, everything both science and spirituality teaches us is that we are interdependent and that our actions have mutual and reciprocal effects. 

Thus, the question and issue that I return to is does being more positive than more negative create a better world for all?  Maybe the more important question is what does negativity do or do not do for us?  Does being negative change anything? Does it make you feel better?  Do you really enjoy a barrage of negativity all day long?  Would your day be more productive and happier if you could focus more on the negative?  I would love to hear your comments on this question or any insights you may have.  Simply post your comments in the section below. 

“There is a time for sowing and a time for reaping, a time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.  A time to tear down, and a time to build up.  A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.” – (Solomon, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). 

This psalm from Solomon is perhaps the greatest quote on time ever. It is undeniably recognized the world over for its profound wisdom.  It reflects a world where everything has a place and a purpose and the role of time is an overarching foundation for the purpose of life.  Today we weep for a lost friend or spouse, tomorrow we rejoice over a marriage or birth.  Today we fight a war for justice and tomorrow we negotiate for peace.

We think we control time. We believe that we control life and even our own destinies.  The reality is that we have control over some things and some (perhaps the vast majority) we do not.  Solomon’s wisdom counsels us to accept the ups and downs of life. It speaks to life as a flow wherein everything has its place. It counsels us to develop our own wisdom as we progress through life and face its inevitable joys and sorrows.  Do not be saddened by the burdens of life, for tomorrow is always a new day and it will bring new times and new opportunities. You have as much to be optimistic over as you do pessimistic. Optimistic people are happier and live longer.

We may not always be able to control time but we can always choose how we want to spend our time.  We choose our attitudes and we chose the meaning of time to us at any given moment.  I can decide to do what I think is important today or I can spend my day in trivial pursuits.  I can work today to make the world a better place or I can bemoan the lack of good TV programs and its excessive commercialism.  Some days I will be successful and others I will not be in controlling my time.  Perhaps today is a time for failure and tomorrow will be a new opportunity.

What is your time for today?  Life is often a series of cycles, do you live and accept your cycles or do you try to force your time according to some schedule? Do you accept the ups and downs of life? What downs are the most difficult for you to accept?