Hamlet posed his existential quest for life with the famous phrase “To be or not to be, that is the question.” I woke up this morning wrestling with a somewhat different question. I wanted to go back to sleep. It was too early to get up. It was dark and cold. I did not want to leave my nice warm bed but something inside of me was in war over the question of whether I can make a difference or not in the world. Am I a fool and charlatan or a man with meaning and purpose? You might say it was my pessimist side fighting with my optimist side. It seemed more like my nihilist attitudes battling with my existentialist attitudes. Or perhaps it is my cynicism versus my somewhat subdued optimism. I will simply call these two voices “Doom and Gloom” versus “Hope and Possibilities.” The struggle between the two voices went as follows.
Doom and Gloom: You have nothing to live for. Your life is a waste. You have screwed up more things than you have made right. No one cares what you think. You are not making a shred of difference in the world.
Hope and Possibilities: If you quit now, what were all your struggles and efforts for? You must believe in yourself; you can make a difference.
Doom and Gloom: Show me any of your successes. Do you have a single win in life that you can feel proud of or that you can say really changed the world or made a difference?
Hope and Possibilities: Do you remember what Mother Teresa once said “I am not called on to make a difference, I am called on to have faith.” You may never know if you are making a difference in the world but like buying a lottery ticket if you don’t buy one you can never win.
Doom and Gloom: You have about as much chance of making a difference in the world as you do of winning the lottery. Nobody cares about what you think or say.
Hope and Possibilities: History is made by people who did not give up. Look at all the people who made a difference by their examples. Jesus, Socrates, Mandela, Rosa Parks.
Doom and Gloom: It goes without saying that you are no Jesus or even a Rosa Parks. Many of the people that you mention were martyrs. Do you aspire to make a difference by being a martyr?
Hope and Possibilities: I have been willing to take risks all of my life. I have stood up for people. I have stood against bullies. I have risked any reputation or career advancement to stand up for integrity and morality. No, I do not want to die for what I believe. I would like to live a long and happy life. But I will not change my beliefs to pacify or to conform to what others want to hear.
Doom and Gloom: That is why you will never be successful in making a difference. No one wants to hear your political diatribes and rants. Your opinions are like raindrops on a duck’s ass. People just want to be happy, and you are trying to make people unhappy.
Hope and Possibilities: Probably true. Over the years, I have said many things that people reject or that they think are even stupid ideas. I have been guided by a desire to change how people think and what they see. Einstein once said that “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” I have tried to think out of the box. I see the world so different than so many people I know.
Doom and Gloom: And what did this get you? Converts? No, enemies, loss of friends, arguments, disillusionment. There is also a saying that goes “Insanity is defined by doing the same things and expecting different results.” You my friend, are bordering on insanity. Your blogs and writings have not made one bit of difference in the world.
Hope and Possibilities: I have about two thousand readers each month who look at my blog and many of them have left positive comments.
Doom and Gloom: You are preaching to the choir. You are not reaching the people who will make a difference in the world. You have a small fan club. You do not get as many hits on your site in a month as Kim Kardashian gets in one hour on her site.
Hope and Possibilities: If you want to hurt someone, you really know how. If I make a difference with one person, I want to believe it makes my efforts worthwhile.
Doom and Gloom: Sure, go ahead and keep telling yourself that myth. You know you would really like to have more people listen to your ideas and to help support some of them. Over the years, I have seen so many ideas come from your feeble brain and to date, I have not seen a single one of them adopted by anyone with the power or influence to implement them. Ideas by themselves cannot make a difference. You need power and action.
Hope and Possibilities: You are depressing me. I want to say that you are wrong. I am losing this battle. I am not sure that I have anything left to say that could change your mind.
Doom and Gloom: Maybe it is about time that you wake up and smell the roses. If you need a purpose or goal in life, perhaps it is time to pick something else. Time to stop being a Boy Scout. The world will little care or long remember anything you say here.
Hope and Possibilities: I guess this is where being an atheist is a liability. I cannot fall back on Jesus, God, Saints, Zeus, Odin or any other supernatural being for help or for divine intervention. I can only go on by faith in myself and by believing that whether or not I make a difference, I cannot give up trying. I may not be the best in the world but I won’t lay down and do nothing.
Doom and Gloom: The final words of a fool.
Hope and Possibilities:
“Just because an apple falls one hundred times out of a hundred does not mean it will fall on the hundred and first.” ― Derek Landy
I finally slid out of bed after kissing my wife “good morning.” It was still dark and cold. I went into the bathroom to take my morning shower. My mood brightened considerably but I still have not resolved the battle with myself. I sometimes doubt that I ever will. I need to be grateful today for what I have. I need to help someone else and stop struggling with my ideas of success and failure. I need to practice love and gratitude and not whether or not I have made a difference in the world.
Aging Capriciously 