The great jazz singer, songwriter, musician, arranger, and civil rights activist Nina Simone sang the song of the title of my blog back in 1965. Although she did not write the song, the passion that Ms. Simone put into all of her songs would make you think that she was singing from personal experience. Then agian, perhaps, we all have personal experience with the subject of this song.
Click on this link to hear Nina Simone’s rendition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ckv6-yhnIY
There are many people who aspire (some even claim) to have no regrets in their life. I am well beyond either the aspiration or any such claims. I have lost track of the many regrets I have. This song reminded me of one of them. The song evokes memories of one of my famous phrases which I now deeply regret. My regret is having unequivocally and mindlessly accepted the validity of this aphorism. I am sure most of you have heard it. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” As I sit here now, I cannot tell you who coined this bit of doggerel or where I first encountered it. Wikipedia claims that “The exact origin of this proverb is unknown and its form has evolved over time.”
A typical use of the phrase for me would entail the following situation.
My wife Karen would try to do something that she felt was either helpful or beneficial. The results would not work out to deliver what she wanted. I would get angry or disappointed. Karen would become somewhat defensive and reply “I am sorry, but I had good intentions.” I would counter with (yes, you guessed it); “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” You could then cut the silence for the next several hours with a butter knife.
Baby, do you understand me now
If, sometimes, you see that I’m mad
Don’t you know no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong, you see some bad
I should be thinking that no one is perfect. Everyone screws up. Karen can not be an angel and just like I am entitled to be angry and upset, so should she. Who am I to judge her?
But, oh, I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh, Lord, please, don’t let me be misunderstood
I am full of regrets for the times I did not accept her apologies. I often said that it was results that counted and not intentions.
You know, sometimes, baby, I’m so carefree
With a joy that’s hard to hide
And then, sometimes, again, it seems that all I have is worry
And then you’re bound to see my other side
It is so easy to get locked up in my own worries and problems and totally ignore the pain and devils that torment other people. When things don’t go my way, I can condemn the stupidity and ignorance of others. Their intentions do not count but mine do.
If I seem edgy, I want you to know
I never mean to take it out on you
Life has its problems, and I get more than my share
But that’s one thing I never mean to do, ’cause I love you
So simple it is in the heat of the moment to forget love. Love gets replaced by anger and pain and hurt. The intentions that the other person had do not matter. How can intentions replace disappointment and what seems like a lack of caring?
Oh, oh-oh-oh, baby, I’m just human
Don’t you know I have faults, like anyone?
Sometimes, I find myself alone, regretting some little foolish thing
Some simple thing that I’ve done
You and I can never know what is in the hearts and minds of others. We can guess. We can ascribe. We can assume. All such efforts unless we can forgive will only make matters worse. Things did not go as planned. That is the way of the world. Why do I expect others to be perfect when I am so far from it? Karen would never deny that she has faults. When we were married our counselor asked each of us if we could accept the faults and differences that were apparent in our personalities. I said “YES” and have looked back many times over one of the biggest lies that I ever told. It did not take too many days before I was trying to “undo” Karen’s faults.
Cause I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh, Lord, please, don’t let me be misunderstood
Don’t let me be misunderstood
I try so hard, so please, don’t let me be misunderstood
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” This same road is probably also paved with the bones of people who could not understand the intentions of others. The bones of people who so often like me could not accept that other people are not perfect, and that other people will often disappoint me. The bones of people like me who could not accept that others were trying as hard as they could.
Yoda said that “There is no try, there is only do or do not.” This is another aphorism that sounds good but suffers from a lack of hubris and feeling. People will try and people will fail. It is okay to value results, but you cannot get results without effort. If you denigrate the efforts and intentions of others, you will insure a lack of results. Easy to go through life when you rely on pithy sayings and show no empathy for the pain and stress that others are feeling.
Regrets can be a two edge sword. They can cut us to ribbons with self-recriminations that do us and others no good. However, they can also be a path to forgiving others and forgiving ourselves. Perhaps the most difficult thing in the world is to understand the intentions of others. Next time you think someone is screwing up, try to think what their intentions might be. They might not be what you think they are.
Oh, Lord, please, don’t let me be misunderstood
Aging Capriciously 