Why Is Love So Frail?  By Dr. John Persico and Metis (AI Assistant)

10 Aug 2026 5 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

Years ago, I wrote a blog titled “But Can We Really Learn to Love Again?”  It was inspired by Pink’s song “Just Give Me a Reason.”  Pink raised the hopeful possibility that two people whose love had gone cold might somehow rekindle what they once had.

At the time, I asked: Can we really learn to love again?

Today I find myself wondering if I was asking the wrong question.

Perhaps there is another question that must come first:

Why is love so frail?

How can something that seems so powerful, so permanent and so overwhelming disappear?  How can two people who once could not imagine living without each other reach the point where they can barely stand being in the same room?  How can love become hate?  And perhaps even more puzzling, how can love become nothing more than indifference?

The Promise of Forever

We swear our love will outlive time,
Beyond the years, beyond the grave;
Yet vows proclaimed as though divine
May prove too fragile still to save.
Eternity is easily promised.

We humans are rather fond of the word forever.

We promise to love forever.  We promise to remain faithful forever.  At weddings, people stand before family, friends and sometimes God and promise to remain together until death departs them.

And I think most of them really mean it.

That is what makes the frailty of love so perplexing.  Most people exchanging wedding vows are not lying.  At that particular moment, forever seems entirely possible.

I wrote in my earlier blog about the kind of love in which no reason, logic, facts, data, statistics or arguments could convince us that we would not remain with that person until the end of time.

Whenever one of my students in college would tell me that they were getting married, I would somewhat facetiously ask them “Have you written your prenuptials yet?  They would look at me like I was crazy.  Some would even say “No, we don’t need them.  Our love will never die.”

But then something happens.

Maybe there is an affair.  Maybe there is a betrayal.  Maybe someone drinks too much.  Maybe money becomes a source of endless conflict.  Maybe there is cruelty or neglect.

But perhaps nothing dramatic happens at all.

Perhaps two people simply begin drifting apart.

And one day forever becomes yesterday.

Before the Rose Loses Its Bloom

A rose is placed in a lover’s hand,
Its crimson bloom a pledge to stay;
But hearts, like roses, understand
How quickly beauty fades away.
Some promises die before the petals.

There is something ironic about giving roses as a symbol of love.

We choose something beautiful to represent something we hope will last forever—and the beautiful thing we choose begins dying almost as soon as we give it away.

Maybe that is precisely why the rose is such an appropriate symbol of romantic love.

Love can be astonishingly transient.

People who once spent hours talking to each other eventually have nothing to say.  People who could not keep their hands off one another stop touching.  The person whose telephone call once caused your heart to race eventually becomes the person whose call you don’t want to answer.

How does that happen?

In my earlier essay I wrote about caring becoming neglect, closeness becoming distance and love becoming apathy.

But those words describe what happened.  They don’t explain why it happened.

Perhaps that is the mystery.

There may be no single moment when love disappears. There may be a thousand tiny moments instead.

The kiss we forgot to give.

The conversation we were too busy to have.

The apology we refused to make.

The resentment we decided to keep.

The affection we stopped showing because we assumed the other person already knew.

Maybe love doesn’t always die from a mortal wound.

Sometimes it dies from a thousand paper cuts.

When the Fire Goes Out

The lips that whispered, “You are mine,”
May someday speak another name;
The eyes that once with passion shined
May look at us and feel no flame.
Love seldom tells us when it leaves.

One of the most haunting thoughts in my earlier blog was this:

What happens when we forget that we once loved someone?

I wrote about telling someone “I love you” countless times and meaning it every time—and then eventually reaching a day when I stopped saying it.  Eventually even the memory of that once overwhelming love could become distant.

I still find that idea disturbing.  Like you, I was told that “Love springs eternal from the human breast.”

How can a person who once occupied so much of our emotional universe become almost irrelevant to us?

We remember where we went on vacation.  We remember the house where we lived.  We remember the restaurant where we celebrated an anniversary.  We may even remember what the other person wore on our first date.

But somehow we can forget the feeling.

The memories remain while the love disappears.

Perhaps love does not announce its departure.  There is no alarm bell.  No flashing red light.  No announcement that says:

WARNING: LOVE IS LEAVING.

We simply wake up one day and realize something that once seemed permanent is no longer there.  I walked out of my first marriage on New Years day after sixteen years of marriage.  I finally admitted that the love was no longer there.

Is Hate Really the Opposite of Love?

And stranger still, the heart can turn—
From tenderness to cold disdain;
Where once desire was fierce enough to burn,
Indifference may alone remain.
The opposite of love may not be hate.

We often say that hate is the opposite of love.

I am not so sure.

Hatred still requires something from us.  We think about the person.  We resent them.  We replay old arguments.  We remember injuries.  We become angry when we hear their name.

There is still an emotional connection.

Apathy may be far more final.  No love.  No hate.  Just no care.

Perhaps love truly dies when we simply don’t care anymore.

I don’t love you.

I don’t hate you.

I don’t miss you.

I don’t wonder where you are.

I don’t particularly care whether I ever see you again.

How does someone go from being the most important person in our world to being someone about whom we feel almost nothing?

I don’t know.

And perhaps that inability to explain it tells us something important about love itself.

Perhaps Love Isn’t Something We Have

Perhaps we ask of love too much:
To conquer time and never bend,
When love depends on human touch
And mortal hearts that change and end.
Love may promise forever; we cannot.

At the end of my earlier essay, I compared relationships to the concept of entropy.  Unless energy continues to be put into a system, disorder increases.

Maybe relationships aren’t very different.

We talk about love as though it were something we acquire.

I found love.

I have someone who loves me.

We fell in love.

It was love at first sight

Perhaps therein lies the problem.

Maybe love isn’t something we have.

Maybe love is something we do.

Romance may start the process.  Attraction may bring two people together.  Passion may make us believe that we have discovered the one person in the universe without whom life would be impossible.

But those feelings cannot do all the work forever.

Love may eventually require patience when passion has faded.  Conversation when silence would be easier.  Forgiveness when resentment would feel better.  Attention when we are busy.  Affection when familiarity has replaced excitement.

Perhaps love survives because two people continue putting energy into it.  If life ends without energy, why should love be any different?

Years ago, I asked whether we can learn to love again.

I still don’t know the answer.  I found thirty reasons why my first marriage failed before I stopped counting.

But today I find myself asking an even more troubling question:

Why should we have to learn to love again in the first place?

Perhaps love itself isn’t frail.

Perhaps we are.

We change.  We become distracted.  We become selfish.  We become bored.  We get hurt.  We accumulate grievances.  We forget why this person once mattered so much to us. We cannot forgive or we do not forget.

And perhaps the greatest mistake we make is believing that because love was alive yesterday, it will automatically be alive tomorrow.

A rose does not remain a rose because someone once watered it.

Neither does love.

The Anatomy of the Soul: How Art and Music Unite Truth, Beauty and Goodness — Part 2

20 Oct 2025 9 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

When we speak of truth, beauty, and goodness, we often imagine three separate pursuits — the scholar seeking truth, the artist seeking beauty, and the saint seeking goodness.  Yet Pope Francis and the great philosophers before him remind us that these three are not rivals but reflections of the same divine source.  Each reveals a different aspect of reality, and only when all three are in harmony does the human spirit find peace.

Tradition tells us that truth belongs to the intellect, beauty to the heart, and goodness to the will.  Truth teaches us to see, beauty teaches us to feel, and goodness teaches us to choose.  In that triad we discover the anatomy of the soul — knowing, loving, and willing, each distinct yet inseparable.

But there is another path by which these virtues speak: the language of art and music.  Long before we understood moral codes or philosophical systems, humanity painted, danced, and sang.  In rhythm and color, in sound and silence, we expressed truths too deep for logic and too vast for words.  Art and music, properly understood, are not escapes from reality — they are revelations of reality’s depth.

Beauty as the Gateway to the Soul

Beauty is the most immediate of the transcendentals.  Truth demands patience, goodness requires effort, but beauty strikes us like lightning.  It does not ask permission.  A single note, a brushstroke, or a line of poetry can pierce our defenses and open the heart where argument cannot.

This is why great art has moral and intellectual power.  It awakens us from indifference.  The experience of beauty — genuine beauty, not the glamour of surface or sentiment — lifts the soul toward truth and goodness without coercion.  It shows us what could be, and in doing so, reminds us what should be.

Aquinas called beauty “the splendor of truth.” The artist does not invent beauty but unveils it.  Every authentic work of art — whether sacred or secular — is a momentary unveiling of reality’s inner harmony.  It is truth made radiant, goodness made alluring.  Beauty does not lecture; it invites.  It does not command; it beckons.

The Role of the Artist

Artists are translators between the visible and invisible worlds.  They take the raw materials of existence — light, sound, form, gesture — and reveal within them an order we might otherwise overlook.  In doing so, they help us perceive truth through the lens of beauty.

A number of years ago, my first wife left me for another man.  He was also married but decided not to leave his wife.  My wife (Julie) and I reconciled and agreed to first resolve some issues by visiting a councilor.  These efforts did not go very well.  I was angry and hurt.  I did not know what I had done wrong.  My wife was also hurt and angry.  I had always thought that we had a lot in common.  At one of our first counseling sessions, the councilor noted that I did not display any emotions.  I was quite proud of being rationale and not letting feelings get in the way of my world.  In fact, I thought Spock was too emotional despite his public image as being stoic and logical.

The councilor mentioned my lack of emotions to my wife.  Her reply stunned and hurt me very much.  She said, “I always thought everyone had feelings, but I finally came to believe that John has no feelings.”  I left that counseling session resolved to find some of the feelings that I had ignored.  I decided the best way was to try to be more creative and less rationale.  I signed up for art classes and ballet classes and decided to listen to more classical music.  It was another nine months or so before Julie and I finally reconciled.  During this period, I actually participated in a ballet, painted several nature pieces (which I thought were quite good) and spent days at the library listening to as much classical music as possible.

When art forgets truth, it becomes hollow display.  When it forgets goodness, it becomes manipulation.  But when truth and goodness dwell within beauty, art becomes what it was always meant to be: a mirror of creation’s wholeness.  I was looking for my wholeness and my humanity which are also inseparable.

The artist’s vocation, then, is not self-expression alone but world-expression — to make the invisible visible, to translate the ineffable into form.  The true artist is not a manufacturer of objects but a servant of insight.  Their success is measured not by applause but by the awakening they cause in others.  In my case, it was an awakening in myself.  Art and music became the pillars of my salvation.  I rediscovered my humanity in them.

The Music of Being

Among all the arts, music comes closest to expressing the order of the soul.  It moves directly through time, breath, and rhythm — the same elements that animate life itself.  Every heartbeat, every inhalation, every step is a kind of music.  When we listen to or create music, we participate in a pattern that mirrors the pulse of existence.  Martin Luther said “”Next to the Word of God, music deserves the highest praise.”  Karen has this quote framed in our dining room.

Music unites truth, beauty, and goodness in motion:

  • Its structure and harmony express truth — order and proportion.
  • Its melody and color express beauty — emotion and wonder.
  • Its rhythm and purpose express goodness — direction and intention.

That is why even those who cannot explain music are changed by it.  It aligns the intellect’s search for order, the heart’s hunger for beauty, and the will’s longing for purpose.  To make or hear music well is to experience harmony not only in sound but in being.

When I was in the third grade at PS 171 in Brooklyn, NY, the teacher put all of us into a choir or singing group.  She acted as the conductor and started us out singing some song that she had taught us.  I sang along with the rest of the kids until suddenly, my teacher yelled “Who is making that noise?”  “You (she pointed at me), it’s you.” “Don’t sing” she screamed at me.  “Just open and shut your mouth.”  That was 70 years ago and to this day, I do not sing. Oh, people say I should get over it, but they are not living in my shoes.  I listen to music more than most people in the world.  I love all types of music.  But I do not play music, and I do not sing.

Plato believed musical education shaped character because harmony trained the soul toward moral order.  The disordered person, he said, was “out of tune.” Modern psychology would agree that we feel peace when the elements of our life are in rhythm — thought, emotion, and action resonating together like chords in balance.  In this sense, every moral life is a composition, every soul a symphony in progress.  My soul resonates with music, and the music resonates in every fiber of my body.  If I could be born again as anything, I would be a tenor singing in the great opera houses of the world.  I love the passion, drama and lyrics that fuse life into melodies that make time stand still for me.  Somehow the strains of music have a purgative effect on the pains and disappointments that can sometimes fill my life.

The Sacred and the Profane

Not all art is beautiful in the pleasant sense.  Some truths are too painful to adorn.  Yet even tragedy, if it reveals reality faithfully, can serve beauty’s higher calling.  A requiem, a lament, or a poem of grief can be beautiful because it tells the truth of human suffering while still pointing toward transcendence.  It is like watching a sad movie.  We connect to others through the suffering that art and music can convey.  Of course, music often conveys joy and happiness, but these are bonuses in a world today where suffering seems to be the norm.

Sacred art makes this explicit.  It does not flatter the senses but reorders them toward the divine.  The frescoes of Michelangelo, the cantatas of Bach, the icons of the Orthodox tradition — each embodies beauty that leads beyond itself.  Their purpose is not entertainment but transformation.  They invite us to see through the surface of the world into its divine origin.

But even the so-called profane arts can serve the same purpose when they reveal authentic experience.  A rap song, a nursery rhyme, a portrait of a tree, a romantic novel — each can bear truth if it arises from sincerity and respect for life’s depth.  I had an MRI today and as I listened to the banging, clanging, whistling and other sounds, I could hear a melody emerging.  I thought of penning a song called “Melodies in an MRI.” The sacred is not confined to churches; it inhabits every honest act of creation.

The Moral Dimension of Beauty

Beauty’s moral power lies in its capacity to attract us toward goodness.  Moral laws can instruct, but only beauty can enchant.  We are moved to do good not merely by obligation but by love for what is good.  Beauty provides that love.

This is why ugliness — deliberate distortion and cynicism — corrodes the soul.  It teaches us that nothing matters, that form and harmony are illusions.  When culture celebrates ugliness, it signals despair; when it honors beauty, it declares hope.  True beauty does not deny suffering; it gives suffering meaning.

The 20th-century theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar wrote: “We no longer dare to believe in beauty, and we make of it a mere appearance in order the more easily to dispose of it.” He warned that without beauty, truth and goodness lose their persuasive power.  In other words, without art and music, morality becomes sterile, and truth becomes abstract.

Beauty is not the soft edge of morality — it is its living energy.  It whispers to the will, “Choose life, not despair.”

The Soul as an Instrument

If truth belongs to the intellect, beauty to the heart, and goodness to the will, then the soul is the instrument through which they resonate together.  Like a violin, it must be tuned.  The strings of mind, emotion, and desire can each sound discordant when isolated.  Harmony arises only when they are stretched to the right tension and played in unity.

Art and music help tune the soul.  When we create or contemplate beauty, we sense the right relation of parts to whole, of the finite to the infinite.  We remember that life itself is composed — not chaos but cosmos.  In that moment, we are most alive, most human, and perhaps most divine.  The god we seek flames within us at these moments.

That tuning is not limited to artists.  Every person can live artfully.  A kind word spoken at the right time, a well-prepared meal, a garden tended with care — each is a small act of aesthetic and moral order.  In that sense, the moral life and the artistic life are one: both seek to make the world more beautiful and more true.  I find my muse in writing.  I like to think that I am somewhat good at using words.  When I was in high school, other students used to pay me to write their essays for them.  I remember one friend who asked me to write something for him.  I told him that he should do it himself.  He said, “But you are so good at writing.”  He was a musician, and  I challenged him, “Is it possible to be a better musician if you do not practice?”  He agreed practice was essential but said that he would rather practice playing music than practice writing.  I wrote the essay for him.  It was only logical as Spock would say.

The Silence Beyond the Sound

At the heart of music is silence.  Without it, the notes have no shape.  Silence frames beauty the way space frames form.  Likewise, the soul needs silence to perceive truth and goodness.  In our noisy age, we risk losing the capacity for this interior listening.  Yet every deep encounter with art or nature — every moment when beauty stops us — restores that silence within.  I learned to appreciate the beauty of music in my many hours sitting inside that library booth listening to the strains of Mozart, Beethoven, Bach and many other great musicians.  I am fond of saying that I never “met a food that I did not like.”  The same applies to music genres.  There is something in every genre of music that speaks to my heart and my soul hears.

The silence after a great symphony or before a sunrise is not emptiness.  It is presence — the awareness that life itself is music being played through us.  To live in that awareness is to live in gratitude.  Gratitude, in turn, is the purest harmony of truth, beauty, and goodness.  Ingratitude, St. Ignatius said was the “Gateway to all sins.”  How difficult it is to remember this for so many of us including myself.

Conclusion: Living Artfully

Art and music are not ornaments to life; they are its inner logic.  They teach us that creation is not random but composed, that our task is not to control the score but to play our part faithfully.  When truth informs our minds, beauty moves our hearts, and goodness directs our wills, we become participants in the divine symphony rather than spectators.

To live artfully is to live beautifully.  To live beautifully is to live truthfully.  And to live truthfully is to live for goodness. 

In the end, every human life is a work of art in progress — sometimes dissonant, sometimes serene, always unfinished.  Yet even our imperfections can contribute to the greater harmony if we keep tuning ourselves to the eternal themes of truth, beauty, and goodness.  Perhaps this is the greatest truth that we all need to discover.  As Pope Francis said “Truth, beauty and Goodness” are inseparable.

When we do accept this truth, we will find that the music of the soul is already playing, quietly, beneath the noise of the world — waiting only for us to listen.

Author’s Note:

Portions of this essay were developed in collaboration with “Metis,” my AI writing partner powered by OpenAI’s GPT-5.  The ideas, direction, and final reflections are my own, shaped through a dialogue intended to illuminate and refine the themes explored here.

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

18 Jan 2022 1 Comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

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The great jazz singer, songwriter, musician, arranger, and civil rights activist Nina Simone sang the song of the title of my blog back in 1965. Although she did not write the song, the passion that Ms. Simone put into all of her songs would make you think that she was singing from personal experience.  Then agian, perhaps, we all have personal experience with the subject of this song.

Click on this link to hear Nina Simone’s rendition:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ckv6-yhnIY

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There are many people who aspire (some even claim) to have no regrets in their life.  I am well beyond either the aspiration or any such claims.  I have lost track of the many regrets I have.  This song reminded me of one of them.  The song evokes memories of one of my famous phrases which I now deeply regret.  My regret is having unequivocally and mindlessly accepted the validity of this aphorism.   I am sure most of you have heard it.  “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  As I sit here now, I cannot tell you who coined this bit of doggerel or where I first encountered it.  Wikipedia claims that “The exact origin of this proverb is unknown and its form has evolved over time.”

A typical use of the phrase for me would entail the following situation.

My wife Karen would try to do something that she felt was either helpful or beneficial.  The results would not work out to deliver what she wanted.  I would get angry or disappointed.  Karen would become somewhat defensive and reply “I am sorry, but I had good intentions.”  I would counter with (yes, you guessed it); “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  You could then cut the silence for the next several hours with a butter knife.

Baby, do you understand me now

If, sometimes, you see that I’m mad

Don’t you know no one alive can always be an angel?

When everything goes wrong, you see some bad

 I should be thinking that no one is perfect.  Everyone screws up.  Karen can not be an angel and just like I am entitled to be angry and upset, so should she.  Who am I to judge her?

But, oh, I’m just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh, Lord, please, don’t let me be misunderstood

 I am full of regrets for the times I did not accept her apologies.  I often said that it was results that counted and not intentions.

You know, sometimes, baby, I’m so carefree

With a joy that’s hard to hide

And then, sometimes, again, it seems that all I have is worry

And then you’re bound to see my other side

It is so easy to get locked up in my own worries and problems and totally ignore the pain and devils that torment other people.  When things don’t go my way, I can condemn the stupidity and ignorance of others.  Their intentions do not count but mine do.

If I seem edgy, I want you to know

I never mean to take it out on you

Life has its problems, and I get more than my share

But that’s one thing I never mean to do, ’cause I love you

 So simple it is in the heat of the moment to forget love.  Love gets replaced by anger and pain and hurt.  The intentions that the other person had do not matter.  How can intentions replace disappointment and what seems like a lack of caring?

Oh, oh-oh-oh, baby, I’m just human

Don’t you know I have faults, like anyone?

Sometimes, I find myself alone, regretting some little foolish thing

Some simple thing that I’ve done

 You and I can never know what is in the hearts and minds of others.  We can guess.  We can ascribe.  We can assume.  All such efforts unless we can forgive will only make matters worse.  Things did not go as planned.  That is the way of the world.  Why do I expect others to be perfect when I am so far from it?  Karen would never deny that she has faults.  When we were married our counselor asked each of us if we could accept the faults and differences that were apparent in our personalities.  I said “YES” and have looked back many times over one of the biggest lies that I ever told.  It did not take too many days before I was trying to “undo” Karen’s faults.

Cause I’m just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh, Lord, please, don’t let me be misunderstood

Don’t let me be misunderstood

I try so hard, so please, don’t let me be misunderstood

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  This same road is probably also paved with the bones of people who could not understand the intentions of others.  The bones of people who so often like me could not accept that other people are not perfect, and that other people will often disappoint me.  The bones of people like me who could not accept that others were trying as hard as they could.

Yoda said that “There is no try, there is only do or do not.”  This is another aphorism that sounds good but suffers from a lack of hubris and feeling.  People will try and people will fail.  It is okay to value results, but you cannot get results without effort.  If you denigrate the efforts and intentions of others, you will insure a lack of results.  Easy to go through life when you rely on pithy sayings and show no empathy for the pain and stress that others are feeling.

Regrets can be a two edge sword.  They can cut us to ribbons with self-recriminations that do us and others no good.  However, they can also be a path to forgiving others and forgiving ourselves.  Perhaps the most difficult thing in the world is to understand the intentions of others.  Next time you think someone is screwing up, try to think what their intentions might be.  They might not be what you think they are.

Oh, Lord, please, don’t let me be misunderstood

Que Sera, Sera

18 Apr 2021 8 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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I think that I am a coward.  I don’t want to grow old.  They say that growing old is not for the faint of heart.  Every day, I understand that aphorism more and more.  In the last thirty days, four friends have passed away.  Mickey, Glen, Bill, and Dick.  I could write a blog about each of them.  They were all just nearing 80 years of age.  Not one of them died of Covid.  Had you known any of them, you would have been truly fortunate.  Perhaps, one of my greatest blessings in life has been to have people like this for friends.  People who lived life to the fullest and cared about other people.  Men who went out of their way to help not just family but strangers.

Two weeks ago, we found out that Karen’s oldest daughter Julie had five brain tumors.  For the past year or so, she had been acting very strange.  She had frequent bouts of forgetfulness along with severe headaches and neck pain.  Doctors had been treating her for an enzyme imbalance for several months, but she kept getting worse.  Her husband thought it might be the onset of early dementia.

Finally, someone decided to do an MRI for her.  At first, it looked like one large brain tumor but a neurosurgeon looking more closely at the scan found four other tumors.  Julie had been diagnosed with leukemia when she was six years old and for ten years had undergone frequent trips to the hospital for chemo and radiation treatment.  They believed that the tumors were related to the radiation treatments.

Julie is now fifty-three years old.  She went in for surgery on Tuesday of this past week.  She was in surgery for nearly seven hours.  They chose to remove the largest tumor but indicated that they would need to go in for another one at a later date.  They were not able to remove the entire tumor since it was awfully close to the optic nerve and they were afraid of damaging it and causing blindness.  Ironically, they want to use radiation therapy to try and remove the rest of the tumor.

Karen flew out Friday night thinking that she could try and help Julie when she returned from the hospital to her home.  Only one person could be in the hospital each day with Julie and her husband was the obvious choice.  Karen worried all week as complications arose each day and Julie did not seem any closer to coming home.  As I write this, it is now five days past surgery and Julie is still in the hospital.  She has been in and out of intensive care since the surgery.  Karen and Rob (Julie’s husband) have agreed to alternate days spent with Julie at the hospital.  So Karen is in Minnesota now and I am watching the home front here in Arizona.

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I am growing old, but I am growing more tired of seeing people I care about either get sick or dying.  I went to a concert last night with two friends Evelia and Angie.  Karen originally was going to go but being with her daughter was the greater priority.  The concert was put on by the True Concord Singers and Orchestra in Tucson.  It was held outside on a patio at what appeared to be an old mansion that had become a private men’s club.  It was called the Mountain Oyster Club.  Since it was members only, they would not let us dine there.  I had originally thought that after the concert we could dine at this exclusive club but that was not to be.  We ended up going to a resort called the El Conquistador.  My two companions are both Latina and I wondered what they thought about dining at a place called El Conquistador.

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The concert was called “The Trailblazers” and consisted of songs arranged by women composers and based on the works of noted women writers and artists.  Some of the composers included Judith Weir, Hildegard von Bingen, Emma Lou Diemer, Ysaye Barnwell and Alice Parker.  The writers and poets included Emily Dickinson, Maya Angelou, and Edith Franklin Wyatt.

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The fifteen songs performed were arranged along a series of themes.  One set of the songs was called “Remembering Those We’ve Lost.”  Thinking back to my lost friends while these songs were performed brought tears to my eyes.  Reflecting on what it might mean to me if Karen should pass away before I do, I could not bear the thought.  Coward that I am, I am hoping to pass from this world without too many more losses of those I love.  Here are a few of the lyrics from the songs in the concert.  It is of course quite different and much more moving hearing these sung but the lyrics themselves are quite compelling.

From: “My Companion” by Edith Franklin Wyatt (1873-1958)

Let the roadside fade:

Morning on the mountain top,

Hours along the valley,

Days of walking on and on,

Pulse away in silence,

Let the world all fade,

Break and pass away,

Yet, will this remain,

Deep beyond all singing,

Beautiful past singing.

We are here together,

You and I together,

Wonderful past singing.

From: “Wanting Memories” by Ysaye Barnwell (1946- Present)

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You used to rock me in the cradle of your arms,
You said you’d hold me till the pains of life were gone.
You said you’d comfort me in times like these and now I need you,
Now I need you, and you are gone.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you’ve gone and left me, there’s been so little beauty,
But I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.

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I finished a run this morning in the mountains.  Saw a large coyote on the trail and thought at first it was a deer.  You are not likely to see a deer in the desert, but the coyote was large and brown and from a distance it did look like a small deer.  As I ran, I could not help but thinking of the song by Doris Day “Que Sera, Sera.”  The lyrics that go “Whatever will be, will be.  The futures not ours to see, Que Sera, Sera.”

We scheme, we plan, we strategize, we organize, we bribe, we cajole, we blackmail so that we can control the future.  We pray to whatever god or gods we believe in to keep our loved ones safe from harm or pain.  I am sure that every one of you reading this would rather suffer death or pain before seeing your family, friends or children suffering.  Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

But as written in Ecclesiastes, it is all vanity.  Nothing but vanity.  I can’t stop a single person I know from dying or suffering pain.  The best that I can do is to be there for them during their suffering.  This is the role that my spouse has chosen to take with her oldest daughter.  It is a role that I would gladly have pass by me since coward that I am, I find it harder to watch my family, friends and others suffer then to deal with my own suffering.

I once loved the poem that admonished us to: “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.”  Now I wonder, what could Robert Browning have been thinking?  I am waiting for “the best that is yet to be.”  I must be missing something.  As each day goes by and as yet another friend leaves this earth, I am more and more wondering what I will have left when they are all gone, and I am the only one here.

Nothing I have ever worked for, saved for, bought, owned, or possess will have any meaning without the ability to share it with those I love.  I think about walking through the house where I am now sitting without my spouse or friends or family and it is by far a fate worse than death and dying.  I won’t rage into the night.  I am reflecting upon death as a comforting blanket than I can pull over my head and use to hide from the sorrows of the world.  I will not rush it, but as many have realized that have gone before me, at some point, we all know that our time has passed, and that we must leave this world.  As for what will come after, I can only say “Que Sera, Sera.”

I think you will enjoy this song:  https://youtu.be/xZbKHDPPrrc 

Que Sera, Sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Forgiveness: The Second in My Series of Most Important Virtues

17 Dec 2020 9 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This is the second in my series on what I called the Seven Most Important Virtues for Living.   I will speak from my personal experiences on Forgiveness and try to share as much of my own life as possible.  I do not want to speak as an “Expert.”  I am far from being an expert on this subject.

Every Tuesday morning, I start my day with the following prayer:

  • Please give me the strength and courage to forgive those who insult, disrespect or harm me in any way. May I be strong enough to offer forgiveness to others and to ask for forgiveness for myself.

Forgiveness is a subject that is both easy and difficult for me to write about.  It is easy because I have had a great deal of experience with the subject.  It is difficult because much of my experience has not been positive.  It seems to be a virtue that I am not very good at.  I can’t say that I ever gave it much thought until several years ago.  Here is what changed my life.

When my oldest and only daughter started college, about two years after my first wife and I separated, we had a slight argument over money.  I did not think it was that big of a deal but Chris (my daughter) became very angry.  She said she never wanted to see me or talk to me again.  She told me that I had made her life miserable when she was growing up and she wanted me out of her life for good.  Almost ten years went by and despite my best efforts, she would not reply or respond to any overtures I made.  I felt very sad but I did not know what to do.  I was torn between trying to see her and also trying to respect her wishes.

I ended up talking to a sizable number of people who one for reason or another like me had been cast aside by friends or loved ones.  I thought this would make an interesting story and I wrote some of my thoughts on this issue and sent it to the Oprah Winfrey show.  I never expected to hear from them.  Several months went by and one day I received a phone call.  The person on the other end wanted to know if I would like to be on the show and talk about my problems with my daughter.  The other person described this particular Oprah show as one that dealt with forgiveness.  I was intrigued but I had several misgivings and turned the offer down.

A year or so went by and one day the Oprah show called me again.  For the second time they asked me if I would like to be on the show.  They explained that they would contact my daughter and if she accepted, we could both come on the show and tell our stories.  It would be a show about forgiveness and I could offer my apologies for anything I had done and see if Chris and I could work things out on the show with Oprah acting as a facilitator.  I decided to give it a chance and after discussing some logistics, I accepted the invitation.

A couple of weeks later, I was flown with my wife Karen and my step-daughter Megan to Chicago where they had booked rooms for us at the Omni Hotel in downtown Chicago.  We were told that a limousine would pick us up in the morning and then take us back to the hotel or to the airport after the show was filmed.  We were given food vouchers and enjoyed some fine dining in our hotel rooms before going to bed.  There was a definite feeling of both excitement and dread on my part.  I had no idea what to expect.  At this time, I did not even know if my daughter was going to be there.

Next morning, I went for a run around the streets of Chicago.  A funny thing happened on my run.  A film crew from a local TV news network stopped me and asked me if I was a tourist.  I said that more or less I guess I was and they then conducted a brief interview with me concerning what I thought of Chicago.  Two TV shows in one day!  After I returned to the hotel, Karen, Megan and I showered, dressed and waited for the limousine to take us to Oprah’s studio.

We were picked up and driven to the studio where Karen and Megan were taken to the audience area, while I was escorted to what they call the “Green” Room.  There were actually two such “Green” rooms where guests could be separated.  I talked to several other guests who were on the show also to deal with the subject of forgiveness.  One was a man whose family had owned slaves and he wanted to ask forgiveness for the history of his family.  The other was a Methodist Bishop who wanted to ask forgiveness for her church because of the slaughter of innocent Native Americans led by a Methodist minister named John M. Chivington at Sand Creek in 1864.

A short time passed and while I was getting my nose and head powdered, Oprah Winfrey herself and her little dog came in to chat with me.  We talked for a short time and she told me that she wished me the best but to keep in mind that I might not get what I hoped for.  She said that often the people who felt that they had been wronged did not want to forgive the other party.

I went out on the stage with Oprah and I was truly surprised that my daughter Chris had also accepted the invitation to be on the show.  I was immediately hopeful that we could resolve our differences and begin a new relationship.  Oprah explained that there were three components required for forgiveness.  True forgiveness it was explained requires one to accept all three components if that is what the other party needs.  The three components of forgiveness are:

  1. An apology or request for forgiveness
  2. A willingness to listen to hear how you hurt the other party
  3. A willingness to make amends or to try to correct the wrong in some way

Oprah started off the conversation by asking my daughter Chris why she did not want to speak to me.   Chris had a lot of reasons.  I had already realized that I was often angry when she was young and I would explode at the drop of a hat.  I had gone through a Domestic Abuse Program a few years earlier in which through counseling and a support group, I had begun to get my anger under control.  Chris had felt that while growing up she was often terrified to be living with me and feared for her and her mom’s life.  She had never been physically hurt by me and I can only remember one time that I had hit her mom and that was after she hit me.  Nevertheless, there was a constant feeling of fear in the house punctuated by my violent outbursts which included throwing things, punching walls and yelling at Chris and Julie, my spouse at the time.

When, Oprah finally turned to me and asked me what I wanted to say.  I had no doubt in my mind that I was sorry for my actions and that I wished I could turn the clock back.  I apologized to Chris and asked if she could forgive me.  I was ready to make any amends possible.  At this point, I had covered two of the three conditions for forgiveness.  I had said I was sorry and I had listened to her pain and grief.  I was ready to make amends.  However, Chris did not buy into the scenario.  She refused to accept my apology and informed me that she did not need a father in her life.  However, she said that she had two children and that perhaps they could use a grandfather.  She would have to think about it.  That was the end of our conversation.

Before leaving the show, Oprah told me that she was sorry it had not worked out better but that forgiveness is a very delicate process and that it does not always go the way we hope it will.   I was not discouraged though and I felt that the outcome was positive.  I thought that I could be a good grandfather and I welcomed the opportunity.

A few years later, I was again contacted by the Oprah show for a “follow-up.”  I again agreed to go on the show.   I did not know if Chris accepted or even had an invitation as she was not on the show.  My segment was very brief.  I explained that Chris still did not want me in her life but that I had been given a few opportunities to share some time with her two children, Frankie and Jesse.  These times were very brief and it was clear that it was only when Chris was present that I was allowed to see them.  I did not know it at this time, but even this opportunity to spend time with my grandchildren would soon derail.

While asking for forgiveness is never easy, particularly when you realize how you have hurt someone; I do not think it is the hardest part of forgiveness.  I had no trouble asking for forgiveness, for I am truly sorry about how Chris had to grow up.  I wish I could redo her life and give her a new childhood.  Many years have passed and I have only seen my daughter once in the past fifteen years.   She has been remarried and divorced but I have not been invited to any of her life events and any efforts to send letters or cards have not been acknowledged.   I found out two years ago in a conversation with my ex-wife that Chris had some time before attempted to take her own life.  It was shortly after her second husband left her.

The hardest part for me has been to “let go” and to forgive myself.  I tried going to confession at one of my annual Jesuit retreats.  The Father and I talked about my “sins” and the issues that I had as not being a very good father.  I was granted forgiveness by my confessor.  I hoped that this would help me come to turns with the grief and pain that I often feel when I think of Chris.  It has not.

I have been told that I really have not forgiven myself.  These are just so many empty words to me.  I do not know how to do this.  Particularly, when I reflect on the fact that out there someplace is a child that I spent twenty years with and to whom I am now totally irrelevant.  I never stopped loving my daughter.  I always wanted to be a good father and I did try to be a good father.  I remember many good times we had together as father and daughter.  It is hard for me to accept that the feelings and memories are not mutual.  If hell is of our own making, then I have made the hell that I feel when I think about Chris and wonder how she is.  I wonder if she will ever change her mind and forgive me.  Until then, I hope someday to know what it will feel like to forgive myself.

Gratefulness

10 Dec 2020 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

If you enjoy reading my blog today, please see another blog I wrote dealing with this issue from the opposite perspective:  Ingratitude:  How it destroys our minds and hearts and souls

gratefulnessI want to talk about Gratefulness today.  It is the first in my list of the Key Seven Virtues that I think are worth developing.  Gratefulness is the opposite of ingratitude.  It is easy to fall into the trap of being ungrateful.  The world besieges us with evidence of our incompetence and faults.  Hollywood glamorizes the mundane and makes the rest of us feel inferior in comparison.  American Idol becomes the graven image that we now worship.  It is not an image of a gold calf or a prophet or a saint.  It is the image of success and fame and fortune that we all desire.  Even as I write this, millions of people are buying a lottery ticket in the hope of achieving instant wealth.  How many of these people are grateful for what they have?  I suspect many of them are very grateful in their daily lives, but it makes you wonder how grateful most people are when they will spend their money against all odds to become an overnight millionaire.  What don’t they have that they will buy if they do win?

Every Monday morning I start my day and my week with the following prayer:

  • I am Grateful for this new day and a new start. I give thanks for everything I have – especially my health, my friends, my family and my wife Karen.

I also say a prayer that my wife Karen will be healthy and happy.  She once mentioned to me that she appreciated my praying for her, so I have made it a part of my Monday morning start to the week.  My goal is to try to keep the thought of being grateful in my mind throughout most of the day.  I confess, I am usually able to keep it in my mind for about ten minutes at the most and then my day commences with the usual busyness and trivia that soon makes me forget my admirable goal.

If I were to rate myself on a scale of 1-10 of gratefulness, with 10 being the highest amount of gratefulness possible, I would probably give myself about a 2.  Nevertheless, I refuse to succumb to the Siren of Desire that drives one to buy a lottery ticket.  I do not want to win any money in a lottery.  I do not want to get any free money through a class action lawsuit.  I do not want to inherit any money from a dead relative or friend.  I admit I occasionally go to a casino and will play the penny slots for about fifteen minutes.  Karen has more patience and will play for as long as an hour.  We both allocate about ten dollars when we go for our “chance to win a fortune.”  We are usually at a casino for the entertainment or food.

My father was a gambler when I was young who lost a good portion of his earnings each week betting on the horses.  I learned from him that most gamblers were liars since they will only tell you when they win and never when they lose.  I still begrudge the fact that when I was growing up, my cousins (whose fathers were no richer) always had a nicer house, better clothes and more expensive toys.  My mother would regularly buy a lottery ticket and promise me that when she won, we would all be rich and never have to work again.  I always replied to my mother that if she put her dollar in the bank, she would have $1.01 at the end of the year.  It was kind of a joke.  When my mother died, my sisters and I had to cover the additional costs for her funeral.

I was reading a news article about two days ago about the continued recovery of former Arizona Representative Gabby Giffords.  I was struck by a comment that was attributed to her in the article.  She said:

“I wake up every day grateful that I have a second chance at life and a second chance at service.”

When, I read this, I thought there could not be much more I could add to the subject.  Here is a woman who could be bitter and angry.  She could rightfully complain about her physical and mental handicaps.  She could endorse stronger sentences for criminals.  She could lobby for fewer guns in society.  She could preach for more prisons.  Instead, she continues to pursue a life dedicated to service and to doing the best she can every day of her life to help other human beings.  We all need role models like this to really understand what gratefulness means.

One of my favorite blog readers is my sister Jeanine.  I think she is perhaps my most faithful reader, usually reading and commenting on my blogs each week.  Last week she posted a comment which included the following quote.

“I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” — Etienne de Grellet

She mentioned that one of her friends wrote this in her high school yearbook and she has never forgotten it.  She noted that she has tried to live by this quote in her daily life.  Judging by her friends and what they think of her and the efforts she puts out to help others, I believe my sister is also a person who does what she can to help others and who is also grateful for her life.

Let us pose the question:  What does it take to be grateful?

I would say that the virtue of gratefulness is composed of the following three abilities:

  1. Appreciating what we have. Savoring your life, your food, your health and your friends.  Like you would savor a tasty dish or appreciate a good song.  Appreciating the good and the bad.  Realizing that the bad makes the good better.

“Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes.  To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.” — Angelina Jolie

  1. Living in the present. If we worry too much about the past or think too much about the future, we are never able to just accept what is.  Violence is caused by too much dwelling on what happened yesterday.  Greed is caused by dreaming about what life would be like “if only.”  When we refuse to live our lives one day at a time, we inevitably get lost in a wilderness of whys, what ifs, and maybes.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”  — Buddha

  1. Service to others. I am not sure that I can ever overcome the lure of fame and fortune and success.  They are constantly in my mind.  Except when I am serving others, particularly those who are less fortunate than I am.  Perhaps the only path to developing the virtue of gratefulness is by seeing  and helping the down trodden, oppressed, sick, dying, wounded and poor of the earth.  There is no doubt that seeing the misfortunes of others up close has a salubrious effect on our mental attitudes.  It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you witness people like Gabby Giffords, Steven Hawking, and Malala Yousafzai and see what they managed to achieve despite handicaps much more severe than any we might have.

“Too much self-centered attitude, you see, brings, you see, isolation. Result: loneliness, fear, anger. The extreme self-centered attitude is the source of suffering.” — Dalai Lama

I have a little device that I learned in my studies, a long time ago.  It is an algorithm for change. You can use it for changing an organization or for changing your own life.  It goes like this:

  • Awareness precedes choice
  • Choice precedes decision
  • Decision precedes action
  • Action precedes change

If we want to develop the virtue of gratefulness, we must first be aware of what it means to be grateful.  We must be aware of what we should be grateful for.  We must also be aware of our ungratefulness and ask ourselves why we feel this way and where it comes from.  Once we are aware of our feelings in this area, we must continue to maintain this awareness.

Next, we must use our awareness to make a choice.  The choice is simple.  Am I going to be a grateful or ungrateful person?  Am I going to see life as full of opportunities and a place of unlimited possibilities or am I going to see life as a living hell on earth?  The choice is always ours.  The choice to be grateful means that we must make a decision.   To live gratefully or ungratefully.

If we accept the decision to live gratefully, then we must take action on this decision.  We must express gratitude whenever possible.  But more than just words, we also need to help others who are not as fortunate as we are.  Regardless of how unfortunate you feel you are there are always people who are less fortunate.  Start looking for these people and ask yourself “How can I help them.”

The final step in the process will occur if you follow the above heuristic.  You will find that there are more and more things in your life to be grateful for.  You will start enjoying life more than you ever thought possible. You will become grateful for the little things in your life and stop waiting for the big things.  You will become a person who appreciates every day that is given to you on earth.  Each day will become the best day of your life.  Don’t trust me!  Try it and see.  Age, death, diseases will still be difficult but you will find that gratitude can replace the sorrows of life with an outlook that can find joy in even the most difficult of times.

Time for Questions:

What are you grateful for?  What are you ungrateful for in your life?  How do you cope with the inevitable blitz of commercials telling you how inferior you are?  What do you do to help other people who are less fortunate than you are?

Life is just beginning.

“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck.  But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. ”  — Ellen Goodman

The Man Who Was Smarter Than God

20 Mar 2020 4 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

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Once upon a time there was a man who was smarter than God.  At least that is what his friends said behind his back.   Michael was indeed one of the smartest men you could ever meet.  Now some might call this a blessing while others might call it a curse.  His mother was fond of saying that “ignorance is bliss” while his father believed, (though he did not practice it himself) that intellect and knowledge was everything.  A man who was smart enough could rule the world.  His father continually berated Michael to think and to use his intellect.  Michael’s father demanded that Michael read only non-fiction and in an argument stick to the facts.  The only things that mattered in the world were facts, data and evidence.  Emotions ruled stupid people and decisions based on emotions were decisions that were stupid.

Michael grew up with very little respect or tolerance for anyone or anything that was not logical and rationale.  When the first Star Trek series became popular, Michael was surprised at the admiration for Lt. Commander Spock.  Many people saw Spock as the epitome of logic and rational thinking versus Kirk’s impulsiveness and McCoy’s rampant emotionalism.  However, Michael saw Spock as divided between emotions and intellect.  He could not accept that Spock was a role model for logical thinking.  Nothing was as important to Michael as mind and intellect and the ability to ignore and suppress emotions. This of course had its negative side as far as Michael’s social aspirations were concerned.

Michael had few if any male friends and zero female friends.  Men did not like Michael because they feared his put downs and lack of acceptance of their often biased and illogical thinking.  Michael was very intolerant of what he saw as inept thinking and has no qualms about correcting anyone.  It was hard to deny that Michael was usually right, but this meant that being around him would make you feel inferior and stupid.  No one wants to associate with anyone who makes them feel insignificant.

Michael was attracted to women and would have liked to date and have a social relationship with the opposite sex.  However, most women saw him as wooden and unemotional.  This was a state that Michael was rather proud of.  Moreover, compassion and love were traits that Michael saw as incompatible with a rational human being.  There traits would lead to decisions based on emotions and not logic.  Dates that Michael went on with the opposite sex usually lasted less than an hour and calls for a second date by Michael would always go unanswered.

Somewhere along the line, some of Michael’s friends (more like acquaintances really) tagged him with the moniker “The man who was smarter than God.”  This was the source of endless jokes and laughter, all of course behind Michael’s back.  Michael grew more and more isolated from any human contact, particularly after his mother and father passed away.  Michael never even bothered to attend their funerals.  “They are dead” he reasoned, “So my going to their funeral is not going to bring them back.”

As the years went by.  Michael became lonelier and lonelier but also richer and richer.  Michael was a genius with computers and also finance.  He invested his money earned from writing software programs into a stock portfolio that he managed.  This portfolio grew to nine figures and Michael never had to worry about working for a living or where his next meal would come from.

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Michael loved to take walks to break up his work and enjoyed being outside.  One day while taking a walk, he stopped at a little bench in a park and sat down to take a short rest.  A young man about 16 years of age walked up to the bench and sat down next to Michael.  “Hi,” the young man said, “My name is Joshua and I am special.”  “That’s nice,” replied Michael, hoping to end the conversation quickly.  “I am running away from home” came back a reply.  “Oh”, said Michael, not particularly caring why.  “Nobody likes me” explained Joshua.  “My sister makes fun of me and my mom and dad don’t do anything about it.”  Somewhat curious, Michael asked “Where are you going to go?”  “I always go to this bench until its time to go home” said Joshua.  This did not make any sense thought Michael, so he continued the conversation to find out more about this strange boy.

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Joshua was fifteen years old and a developmentally disabled child.  He had suffered a fall when he was very young which left him with a severely diminished cognitive capacity.  He also suffered from some physical limitations.  He was now in high school but spent most of his time in special needs classes.  From early on, his family told him he was special.  They were very loving parents and did their best to help him cope with his limited capacities.  They knew he would never be able to live on his own.  His older sister Inez, whom Joshua loved dearly, frequently became exasperated with him.  She did not quite have the patience of his mother and dad, but right about now, she would go out looking for Joshua.  The typical pattern was that Joshua would become angry with her and “run away from home” to this park bench.  Inez would come and “find” him and take him home.  She loved him as much as he loved her.

The conversation finally ended when Inez showed up.  Joshua introduced his new friend Michael to Inez.  She said hello to Michael and that she was very happy that Joshua had a new friend.  Joshua asked Michael if he could come to visit him after school sometime if he did not live too far away.  Michael reluctantly agreed thinking that he would never see Joshua again.  In some respects he regretted this since he actually felt a stirring of compassion towards Joshua and he was moved by Joshua’s openness and lack of pretentiousness.  Goodbyes all around and each left to go home.

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A few days later, much to Michael’s surprise, who should knock at Michael’s home but Inez and Joshua.  Inez said that she would drop Joshua off if it was okay with Michael and pick him up in an hour or so.  Michael agreed and spent the next hour or so talking to Joshua about many different things.  Joshua was surprisingly able to comprehend many things that Michael would bring up and they had some interesting if eclectic conversations.

Michael learned that Joshua loved science and animals and nature.  He also learned that Joshua’s parents were not very wealthy.  Michael deduced that they did not have enough money to buy some of the things that Joshua wanted and that they often struggled to buy some of the things he needed.  Apparently, the fall did more than just brain damage to Joshua and he had some severe internal injuries which needed ongoing treatment.  Joshua never complained though and saw most of these hardships as simple facts of his life.

al_roker_marqueeThe first day that Michael and Joshua spent together turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months.  Each week, Michael and Joshua would spend at least an hour together.  Some days, Michael would play video games with Joshua and other days they would do “walk and talks.”   Inez would drop Joshua off and Michael would take Joshua home.  Michael looked forward each week to seeing Joshua and spending time with him.  Michael often tried to buy Joshua some of the things that he wanted, but Joshua’s parents were very proud and explained that they would prefer that he did not.  Michael accepted their request but would take Joshua out for a hamburger or pizza whenever possible.  His parents did not mind this as Joshua had a prodigious appetite.

A few years went by and Michael s life became less lonely and much happier.  Michael greeted people on the street and spent time talking to other people without correcting them or giving them advice.  Every week Michael and Joshua would get together.  Then one week, Joshua did not come by.  Michael was disappointed but simply thought that some event had come up and Joshua had to attend it.  The following week went by and again no Joshua.  By now, Michael was very worried.  He called Joshua’s parents.  Inez explained that they were at the hospital with Joshua who was very sick.  She said she was sorry she had not come by to tell Michael about it, but things had been rather chaotic.  She said Joshua had asked about Michael and when would he come up to visit.   Michael told her that he would go right now.

When Michael arrived at the hospital, he found Joshua in bed with many tubes sticking out of him and his worried parents at his bedside.  Joshua looked up when Michael entered his room and his face turned into a big smile.  “I knew you would come,” he happily exclaimed.  “I am dying,” he whispered to Michael.  “But don’t worry about it, I will be OK.”

Michael stayed for awhile until Joshua fell asleep and then went out of the room followed by Joshua’s parents.  “We are very sorry we did not call you sooner”, they apologized.  “We always knew this time would come but we thought he had a few more years.”  “Isn’t there anything they can do?” replied Michael.  “No”, said his father.  “We wish there was, but they have done everything they could.”

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Michael came up every day to visit Joshua for a week.  Then one day, when he came to the hospital Joshua was no longer in the room.  The nurse explained that Joshua had died in his sleep the night before.  Funeral arrangements were made by Joshua’s parents and Michael attended the wake.  At the funeral, Michael gave his condolences to Inez and Joshua’s parents.  Michael was nearly as devastated as they were.  Joshua had a simple funeral, but Michael made sure that there were plenty of flowers there.

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Michael went home and for the next week did nothing and said nothing.  Then one day, he thought.  I am not going to forget Joshua.  I am sitting on a pile of money that is not doing anything for anyone.  I am going to start a home for “special” children where they can come each day to play games, have meals and interact with toys that their parents could not afford for them to have.  My home will have first class aides that are well trained in caring for special needs children and we will have all the security needed to ensure that these children have a safe and secure environment when not home.  This will be someplace that parents can drop their children off when they need a break or rest.

So Michael started this home.  It had the capacity for about 150 children.  The home had numerous playrooms, security cameras in each room and a full kitchen staffed by cooks with degrees in dietary nutrition.  The home was free to qualified children which was based on need and not income.  Parents would fill out an application and it was reviewed by a board of professionals versed in the needs of special education children.

Michael came each day and spent at least four hours at the home.  During these visits, he would meet the parents of each child and spend time with all the children to find out how they were doing and what they liked and did not like about the home.  Michael was constantly making improvements to the home.  When he was not at the home, he was using his genius to earn more money that he would then plow back into the home.  Michael named the home: “The Joshua Home for Very Special Children.”  Michael was admired by parents and loved by the children for the care and compassion he put into this home.

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Twenty years or so when by and Michael passed away.  In his will, he set up a foundation and trust to manage the home.  Every penny he had was put into this foundation.  Michael specified that he did not want an elaborate funeral and wanted a very simple burial.  Despite his request, the number of people that called to inquire about his wake and funeral soon dictated that his request would go unheeded.  A number of unnamed benefactors put up money to have the funeral moved to a larger venue.  Even with a bigger church, there was standing room only.  Estimates were that over a thousand people attended Michael’s “simple” funeral.  Many people stood up to talk about his generosity and compassion and all the children that he had helped not only with the home but often with medical expenses and care that they could not afford.  And no one referred to him as: “The man who was smarter than God.”

The End

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My Name is Carmen: I Murdered Two Children

27 May 2018 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The following story is a work of fiction based on a true-life trial and murder.  This story follows a somewhat different history from the real-life story but will certainly be recognized by many as related to the story of Yoselyn Ortega and the Krim’s family.  The story occupied a major place in most newspapers for many months.  For any parent, it is a horror story.  No one can imagine the despair and misery that the Krim’s have gone through.

As I followed the trial, I was struck by the fact that so many of the newspaper articles about the murders were looking for a motive or reason for Ortega’s actions.  Ms. Ortega never testified at the trial and I suspect that many people thought it was simply a matter of allowing or encouraging her to “tell the truth.”  If only we could ask Ortega “why” she did it, we could find her motive and reason.   I have followed many related stories of murders and I have been struck by the lack of “truth” that is ever found.  Not just because suicide seems to be a way out for many murderers but even when the murderer is alive to tell their story.

two children

My name is Maria Carmen Fernanda Lopez.  I am a Columbian citizen.  I want to tell my story so that everyone will understand.  I am now in jail for the murder of two children that I was responsible for taking care of.  I was their nanny.  They say that both children loved me and in truth, I often loved them back.  The entire world wants to know why I murdered these children.

The prosecutors told a lie.  What they said about me was not true.  They wanted me to look very evil so that I could be convicted.  My defense attorneys also did not tell the truth.  They did not know me.  They only wanted to save me from receiving a death sentence.  It did not matter if the truth was told or not.  The psychiatrists who found many reasons for what I did do not know the reason why I murdered the young girl and young boy.  Each of the psychiatrists had a different theory.  I do not like to argue with anyone, so I simply agreed with each of them.  Nine different psychiatrists and nine different theories.

I never had the opportunity to testify.  My attorneys said it would be better if I did not.  I was convicted anyway of first degree murder.  I would like for you to hear my story.  Maybe, you can understand.  I do not deny killing my two young charges.  It was like killing my own children.  The children were very kind to me although sometimes they could be spoiled brats.  But what would you expect with a rich mother and a rich father both of whom could lavish much time and money on their children.  Most of the time they were fun to be around.

I was born in Cali Columbia in 1961.  I was one of twelve children.  My family was very poor.  My father sewed and fixed shoes for a living.  My mother tried to find enough food each day to feed us all.  I was the fifth oldest child and my job was to take care of all my siblings who were younger than I was.   I guess you could say I received nanny training when I was growing up.  I only went to school through the eighth grade.  No one in our family went any further.

I had a cousin Luisa who in 2001 emigrated to the United States.  She had a father who had received a degree in engineering from the Pontificia Universidad Javeriana.   He wanted to move up in the world and he was able to get a visa and a position with an electronics firm in New York City.  Luisa, her mom and her dad all moved to the USA.

My cousin Luisa and I were very close when we were growing up.  Luisa always had nicer clothes and was much prettier than I was.  Even though her family had much more money than mine, we were like sisters.  She had lots of boyfriends and we would sometimes sneak out at night to share time together.  She would introduce me to many young men, but I was very shy and not very good looking.  My first child was with one of these young men.  We did not marry, and I named my young boy Mateo.  Mateo’s father disappeared a few years after Mateo was born and I never saw him again.  My father was not very happy with me, but unwed pregnancies are the norm in Columbia.  My mother was actually very happy to have a new addition to the family.

A few years after Luisa moved to the USA, she wrote me a letter and asked if I would like to live with her in NYC.  I wrote back and replied that I would love to if I could bring Mateo along as well.  She wrote back that “Of course, you can bring Mateo.  Furthermore, I think I might be able to arrange a job that you would be very good at.”  She did not say anymore, and I was very curious.

I discussed going to the USA with my Mom.  She thought it would be a good opportunity for me but where would we get the money.  We did not have enough money for a bus trip to Bogota, never mind NYC.  My dad was also agreeable since it would be two less mouths to feed.  However, he did not have an extra peso to spare.  Sadly, I wrote back to my cousin to explain that it might be years before I could save enough money to come to the USA.

In a very short time, I received a letter from Luisa.  In the letter was a voucher for a one-way ticket to NYC.  Luisa said I should let her know when we would arrive, and she would meet us at the airport.  I immediately told my mom and dad.  My mother seemed sad to see me go but my father did not seem to care.  I packed my bags and purchased a ticket on Avianca S.A. for two weeks later.  I wrote Luisa and gave her our flight number and arrival time.

We arrived in NYC without any problems.  Luisa met us at the airport and we took a taxi to her apartment in Queens.  She was now living in her own apartment and had a very good job with Verizon company as a translator.  Her Spanish skills and good people skills had allowed her to work up from a customer service representative to a position as manager in one of their bi-lingual call centers.   Luisa had an extra bedroom which I was placed in.  My young son Mateo had a couch to sleep on.  We all hoped that I might find good employment and be able to rent my own apartment someday.

After catching up on family, friends and Luisa’s life in NYC, I was anxious to ask Luisa about this job she thought I might be good at.  Luisa explained that in NYC there were many wealthy families who wanted dependable mature women to work as caretakers or nannies for their children.  Such families were not hard to find, and she knew several families who were currently looking for a good reliable nanny.  With her recommendation, she was sure I would have no trouble finding a job.  My one concern was how I would take care of Mateo who was now eight and take care of someone else’s children.  Luisa said that I should not worry as she could help me with Mateo and most nanny jobs had some degree of flexibility.

Two weeks later after several interviews I was placed with Eric and Sarah Clarke as a nanny for their children.  They were a young couple with two children.  One child, Noah was six and in kindergarten.  The other child Emma was eight and going into the third grade.

Eric was an executive with an aerospace firm and travelled a great deal.  Sarah worked as a Public Relations specialist with the Magrino Company in Manhattan.  The Clarke’s lived in an area known as Tribeca in Manhattan.  It was a very wealthy neighborhood but very convenient in terms of Sarah’s job and Eric’s need to travel frequently.  From Tribeca to the Magrino company was less than twenty minutes by the metro or by car.  Both Sarah and Eric had a great deal of job flexibility and could often work at home.   This last point was what made me accept the position since I felt that I would not be needed twenty-four seven and I would be able to find more time to spend with my own son.  I was going to be a “live-out nanny.”

My starting pay rate would be $18. 00 per hour and I would work ten-hour days except for Wednesday and Thursdays when I would only work five-hour days.  I would work five days a week unless special occasions arose.  In the event of weekend work, my hourly wage would be $26.00 dollars per hour.  My gross salary would be $720 dollars per week.  I would take home about $600 dollars per week.

My expected job duties were as follows:

  • Meeting the children’s physical, social, emotional and intellectual needs.
  • Undertaking all tasks related to childcare, including doing the children’s laundry and preparing the children’s meals and cleaning up afterwards.
  • Caring for the family pet.
  • Meals for the children when parents were not home.

griefI worked for the Clarke’s for about two years.  During that time, I got along quite well with the children.  They were mostly well-behaved and pleasant to be around.  We would go on outings after school and take many walks.  I would buy them ice cream cones and take them to see the animals in the zoo and on library trips and museum trips.

I also got along very well with Eric Clarke.  He was not around as much but he was always polite and treated me as one of the family.  Sarah was a little more difficult and controlled the purse strings.  I had thought that after two years, I should get a raise, but she refused to increase my hourly rate.  She would sometimes ask me to do other jobs which I did not think were in my job description.  I generally acquiesced to her requests.

Now it has been said at my trial by the prosecution that I was angry at Sarah for pushing more work on me and for not paying me enough.  It is true that I thought she could be unfair at times, but I also appreciated the many times she helped me out when I needed help.  She was often very generous and was by no means a skinflint or cheapskate.  I harbored no ill will to either Eric or Sarah.  Then you might ask: “Why?”  Why murder two innocent children?

I have heard all the explanations.  I suffered from mental illness.  I was crazy.  I was overworked.  I was stressed.  I was angry.  I was feeling humiliated.  I was insulted by Sarah.  I was told to by voices in my head.  I did not have enough time with my own son.  I was jealous of the money and status the Clarkes had.  I was going to lose my job.  I was just plain evil.  EVIL, EVIL, EVIL.

Evil or Good

I am glad that I was not asked to testify.  I would not have known what to say.  I would have been asked “Why?” and no one would believe my answer.  You will not believe it.

We seem to think that whenever there is a killing, murder, suicide or mass atrocity that if only the victim lived we could find out “why?”  Humans have an insatiable desire to know the answer to the question: “Why, did they do it?”  The truth is that there is often no reason.

Theodore Bundy, Charles Whitman, James Huberty, George Hennard, Devin, Patrick Kelley, Adam Lanza, Seung-Hu Cho, Omar, Saddiqui Mateen, Stephen Paddock and the list goes on and on.  Why?  Why?  Why?  The public wants a logical reasonable answer.  The police want a motive.  The prosecution wants a reason to convict.  The defense wants a reason to acquit.  Our mental institutions want another reason to try out different therapies.

insanity

Why? Why? Why?

Don’t you think I owe the public an answer?  Don’t you think I owe the Clarkes an answer?  Don’t you think I owe my family an answer?

parental grief

What explanation or reason could possibly make any sense for such a vicious, depraved and wanton act of destruction?  Would any explanation make sense to Noah and Emma?  Would any explanation expiate my guilt and remorse?  What explanation would you believe?

I am certain that I have no explanation you would be satisfied with.  Maybe that is the real definition of craziness.  To do something with no reason, logic or explanation that can possibly make any sense.  I wish I could live my life over again, but I am not sure it would make any difference.  I have explored alternative realities and they all lead right back to this cell that I sit in today.  The ultimate tragedy of my life is inexplicably bound up with murder and chaos.

mother and dead child

They say I expressed no remorse or regrets during the trial.  I appeared to be a selfish and narcissistic person who was only concerned with herself.  I shed no tears.  But what good would regret do?  It would not bring back Noah or Emma.  What good would regret do for the Clarkes?  It would not bring their children back.  It would never help Sarah to forget the horror she saw.

In truth, I have no regrets.  I am a victim just as much as anyone else in this tragedy.  There is no escaping our destiny.

Time for Questions:

Is it possible that people do not know “WHY?”  Why do you think that people do evil things?  Are all of us evil at some point in our lives?  How do we overcome evil?  Is there really a devil who “makes us do it.”

Life is just beginning.

“One might expect that the families of murder victims would be showered with sympathy and support, embraced by their communities. But in reality they are far more likely to feel isolated, fearful, and ashamed, overwhelmed by grief and guilt, angry at the criminal-justice system, and shunned by their old friends.” — Eric Schlosser

Is the War on Drugs Real? — Drugs, Medicine and Pharmaceuticals

15 Apr 2017 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

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Introduction:

Perhaps few subjects are more complex than the relationship between drugs and medicine.  While the word drug often denotes something “illegal”, medicine comes across with very benign connotations.  Drugs are bad for you.  Medicine is good for you.  However, what is the difference between a drug and a medicine?  Do you have to be sick before it is medicine?  Does everyone occasionally need medicine but no one ever needs drugs?  Why are some drugs legal and others illegal?  Why is it that some legal drugs are illegal unless we have a prescription?  In this blog, I will try to provide you some “divergent” views on drugs and medicines and the Pharmaceutical industry.

Pharmaceuticals:

First, we need to define the term pharmaceutical.  We can find the following definition online:

Adjective:  1.  relating to medicinal drugs, or their preparation, use, or sale.

Noun:  1. a compound manufactured for use as a medicinal drug.

It is important to understand the distinction between the medicinal use and the non-medicinal use of drugs.  Obviously, any drug can be used for either purpose.  However, the “moral” authorities which include the government, your neighbors, various religions and others who believe they have a right to dictate human behavior have used this distinction to decide when it is a crime to use drugs and when it is perfectly okay.  Thus, in many states I may now use marijuana but only if it is for a bona fide medicinal purpose.  If I want to simply use it like I use alcohol or caffeine or nicotine for recreational purposes, it is illegal and I will find myself in jail if I get caught.

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This distinction between drugs and medicine is further complicated by the fact that some drugs are simply considered “bad” drugs whether they have a medicinal use or not.  This category of “bad” drugs once included alcohol when (as many of you are aware) the 18th amendment to the US Constitution was passed to ban its legal use.  Prohibition was perhaps one of the most misguided episodes in American history.  However, it does have the unique distinction of being perhaps the only time in our history when a substance was banned strictly on moral terms.  The prohibition against alcohol was primarily based on the idea that drunkenness was a threat to the moral fiber of the nation.   Since then, our “War on Drugs” has been based on several reasons but morality is no longer a major reason.

Let’s get one thing clear from the start.  There is no “War on Drugs” in the USA.  If there were a war on drugs, then bars, cigarette shops, coffee shops, liquor stores, drug stores and doctors’ offices would be raided and closed.  Doctors, baristas, druggists and Pharmaceutical CEO’s would be arrested along with the rest of the drug pushers on the street.  We would need to build an entire prison system to house all the pharmaceutical executives, managers and workers who routinely make and sell drugs.

The “War on Drugs” is a sham, a myth and a hypocrisy of epic proportions.  There are two reasons for this so-called war.  The first is prejudice and the second is monetary.  These two reasons are curiously intertwined.

Docs and Big Pharma

Prejudice as a Factor in the Drug Wars:

Our prisons today are overflowing with people who have used or sold illegal street drugs.  Drugs like heroin, cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines make up the bulk of illegal drugs sold on the street.  The majority of people selling these drugs are poor.  Minorities make up a disproportionate number of the poor in America.   Consider the following facts:

war on blacks

Poverty rates for blacks and Hispanics greatly exceed the national average. In 2014, 26.2 percent of blacks and 23.6 percent of Hispanics were poor, compared to 10.1 percent of non-Hispanic whites and 12 percent of Asians. — National Poverty Center

Of course, if minorities are a large percentage of the poor and if the drug war is really an attack on the poor, then it should follow that minorities will make up a larger percentage of those convicted of drug crimes and sent to prison.  The facts support this:

  • African Americans now constitute nearly 1 million of the total 2.3 million incarcerated population
  • African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately 25% of the US population
  • About 14 million Whites and 2.6 million African Americans report using an illicit drug
  • 5 times as many Whites are using drugs as African Americans, yet African Americans are sent to prison for drug offenses at 10 times the rate of Whites

The facts support that the so-called “War on Drugs” is really a war on the poor.  Why war on the poor?  Because they are regarded as a threat to the lifestyle of the wealthy.  The wealthy in America are of course predominately White.

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“96.1 percent of the 1.2 million households in the top one percent by income were White, a total of about 1,150,000 households. In addition, these families were found to have a median net asset worth of $8.3 million dollars.”  — America’s Financial Divide: The Racial Breakdown of U.S. Wealth in Black and White, Huffington Post, 2015

It is seldom mentioned but wealthy people are fully aware of the fact that healthy non-drug addicted citizens make better workers.  Furthermore, non-drug addicted people who are addicted to hard work are less likely to break into your house in the middle of the night and steal your Gucci purse and your Rolex watch.

On the other hand, if you are poor and uneducated, drugs might seem like a decent way to spend a day rather than knocking on closed doors for a job.  I spent four years in the military from 1964 to 1968.   Any war is an ideal breeding ground for drug use.  Consider the daily effects of stress, confusion, attacks, wounds, death and uncertainty.  The military was rife with drugs when I was in.  Would anyone like to guess how much illegal drug use there was during the Vietnam War?

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“In 1971, a report by the House Select Committee on Crime revealed that from 1966 to 1969, the armed forces had used 225 million tablets of stimulants, mostly Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine), an amphetamine derivative that is nearly twice as strong as the Benzedrine used in the Second World War. The annual consumption of Dexedrine per person was 21.1 pills in the navy, 17.5 in the air force, and 13.8 in the army.”  — The Drugs That Built a Super Soldier, The Atlantic, 2016

 The above article concerns speed only and does not deal with marijuana.  My own personal experience was spending many weekends high on pot mixed with copious amount of whatever liquor we could get our hands on.  Beer would do if liquor was not available.  There were also many who simply sniffed glue and destroyed their brains.  To the best of my knowledge, I knew of no one who was ever busted for drug use on any base I was stationed at.  The moral is that it is okay to use drugs if they help you kill people but not simply to feel good about yourself.

The sanctimonious politicians who make drug laws in this country should be shot.  Am I being too “divergent” in my condemnation of these hypocrites?  Believe me, I could not be too hard on them.  Consider the damage that their greedy misguided policies have done to our nation and our citizens.  Millions of people have languished in jail only to serve their sentence and find that when they come out, they are even worse off than when they went in.

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Consider the effects of a felony record for drugs in America:  A convicted felon in Connecticut faces the following array of restrictions and constraints:

  1. Loses the right to become an elector and cannot vote, hold public office, or run for office, although he can have these rights restored
  2. Is disqualified from jury service for seven years, or while he is a defendant in a pending felony case (CGS § 51-217)
  3. Loses the ability to have firearms
  4. Could lose a professional license or permit,
  5. Employers can ask job applicants whether they have been convicted of a crime although federal anti-discrimination laws place some restrictions on the use of criminal histories.
  6. The State Board of Education (SBE) cannot issue or renew, and must revoke, a certificate, authorization, or permit to someone convicted of certain crimes. The SBE can also take one of these actions if the person is convicted of a crime of moral turpitude or of such a nature that the board feels that allowing the holder to have the credential would impair the credential’s standing.
  7. The Department of Children and Families must deny a license or approval for a foster family or prospective adoptive family if any member of the family’s household was convicted of a crime that falls within certain categories, which can include felonies.
  8. Landlords can evict a tenant who was convicted of a violation of federal, state, or local law that is detrimental to the health, safety, and welfare of other residents. Federal and state law for public housing allows eviction based on conviction of certain felonies. Different rules apply to elderly people.
  9. Someone convicted under federal or state law of a crime involving possession or sale of a controlled substance is not eligible for federal assistance for higher education expenses for certain periods.
  10. State law bars anyone convicted of a drug possession or use felony under federal or state law from receiving benefits under the temporary assistance for needy families or food stamp programs unless the person (1) has completed his court imposed sentence, (2) is satisfactorily serving probation, or (3) completed or will complete a court imposed mandatory substance abuse treatment or testing program (CGS § 17b-112d).

You have served your sentence for possession of a marijuana joint.  You might have served between one and five years.  You are now ready to return to society and be a hard-working honest citizen.  Regard the above list!  No one will hire you. You cannot get a student loan.  You cannot get certain licenses and even some landlords will be legally able to not rent you a place to live.  What would you do?  What would Jesus do?  Well, unfortunately, many of these people are not you and they are not Jesus.  Thus, a life of crime on the street seems to offer more preferences for some than begging for money with a cup.  Besides, every business endeavor has certain risks and the gains from drug dealing may seem to far outweigh the risks, particularly when you consider the alternatives.

drug-war-cartoon

What Role Does Greed Play in the So-Called War on Drugs?

Pharmaceutical companies are huge and make huge profits.  They are consistently listed among the top most profitable companies in America.  Here are the top ten most profitable drug companies by market value:

  • Johnson & Johnson: $276 billion (market value)
  • Novartis: $273 billion
  • Roche: $248 billion
  • Pfizer: $212 billion
  • Merck: $164 billion
  • Sanofi: $134 billion
  • Bayer: $123 billion
  • Novo-Nordisk: $118 billion
  • Bristol-Myers Squibb: $115 billion
  • AbbVie: $110 billion

In 2016, the Pharmaceutical Industry was at the top of the list for most profitable industries.  Forbes, citing data from Factset, recently released its list of the 10 most profitable industries of 2016. “Pharma: Generic” led the way as the most profitable industry with a 30 percent net profit margin”

  1. Pharma: Generic: 30%
  2. Investment managers: 29.1 percent
  3. Tobacco: 27.2 percent
  4. Pharma: major: 25.5 percent
  5. Internet Software and Services: 25 percent
  6. Biotechnology: 24.6 percent
  7. Savings Banks: 24 percent
  8. IT Services: 23 percent
  9. Regional Banks: 23 percent
  10. Major Banks: 22.9 percent

https://www.surepayroll.com/resources/blog/the-10-most-profitable-industries#sthash.rVW6a7fs.dpuf

big-pharma-mafia

Please note where the tobacco industry is on this list.  Now ask yourself this question.  Do you think either big Pharma or Big Tobacco wants competition in the form of legalized drugs?  I hope you answered NO! to this question because there is ample evidence that both industries spend a great deal of money lobbying against drugs that would pose competition to their industries.

“Both pharmaceutical companies and alcohol brands are spending money to keep prohibition around, too.  As we reported last year, certain anti-cannabis academics are funded by big pharma.  Alcohol companies are also lobbying against legalization.  In one example, the California Beer & Beverage Distributors made campaign contributions to a committee dedicated to preventing marijuana legalization and taxation. 

 To summarize, police unions, prison guard unions, for-profit prisons, and drug and alcohol companies spend huge sums of money each year to keep cannabis illegal, and why?  Because it ensures job security and profits.”  — The Top 5 Industries Lobbying Against Cannabis Legalization Will Infuriate You by Sara Lilley in Leafly

Perhaps you are inclined to think that the prejudice and greed fueling the drug industry is not that bad.  Perhaps you do not mind that America has one of the highest rates of incarceration of any developed country.  Perhaps you do not mind that millions of your citizens are in jail for smoking or selling a joint.  Perhaps you are happy smoking and drinking and do not want any other drugs.  Maybe you feel that “Big Pharma” is on your side and helps you with all the new medicines they have coming down the pipeline.  If so, you are living in a fools’ paradise.  Big Pharma is more likely to steal from you and or kill you than the drug pusher on your street corner.  In fact, they do so every single day.

ethical-criteria-for-medicinal-drug-promotion-schedule-g-17-638

They steal from you with exorbitant profits.  Who do you think pays for all their advertising and research?  They actually spend more money on advertising than they do on research.

“Prescription drug companies aren’t putting a lot of resources toward new, groundbreaking medication, according to a recent report in BMJ, a medical journal based in London. Instead, it’s more profitable for them to simply to create a bunch of products that are only slightly different from drugs already on the market, the reports authors said.  The authors go on to say that for every dollar pharmaceutical companies spend on “basic research,” $19 goes toward promotion and marketing.” — Pharmaceutical Companies Spent 19 Times More On Self-Promotion Than Basic Research: by Alexander Eichler

Big Pharma also leads all industries in spending your money on lobbying.  From 1998 to 2016, they spent over 3.5 billion dollars on lobbying.  This was more than a billion dollars higher than for the next highest industry which was insurance.  — Top Industries.

ee545df3eb331cc722ed7088791e9a5eAre you still wondering why drug costs are so high? Did you really think it was all research and development costs?  The three major factors are:  Profits, lobbying and Marketing.  How much do you think these all add to the costs of your prescription drugs?

Well, perhaps you still do not care.  After all, if the drugs do their job, what do you care if they cost a lot.  Perhaps your insurance pays it all anyway.  Well friend, what if you knew some of these drugs were going to kill you?  Do you think I am exaggerating?

Here are some examples of potentially lethal side effects:

“Baycol, which lowers cholesterol, was strongly linked to a potentially fatal breakdown of muscle tissue.  Approved in 1997, it was voluntarily withdrawn four years later.  The anti-inflammatory drug Duract spent just one year on the market. Approved as a strictly short-term use product, the FDA found serious liver problems with people taking the drug for longer than what was recommended.

In 1985, employees of two drug companies were fined and/or sentenced to community service for not reporting adverse events involving the blood pressure drug Selacryn and arthritis drug Oraflex.” — Drug Side Effects Explained

Of course, drug companies do not want to kill you because that could result in costly litigation and even worse, bad publicity.  Thus, most drugs come with a lengthy disclaimer and long list of potential side effects.  These are more designed to protect the drug company than you or your health.  You will probably not be able to read the small print on the label and even if you are able, you will probably not have a clue what they are talking about.  On the odd chance that you do know what it all means, it would not matter anyway, since what is your recourse?  If you are in pain and have gone through the process of obtaining your prescription how likely are you to decide that you will not take the risks associated with the drug?  But, and here is the important “but”, all drugs, even over the counter drugs have potential side effects.

viagra

And this brings us to another major factor affecting the cost of drugs.  This is the cost for Big Pharma to cover its butt when caught doing something wrong.  A report by Pubic Citizen noted the following information:

In December 2010, Public Citizen published a report that, for the first time, documented all major financial settlements and court judgments between pharmaceutical manufacturers and the federal and state governments since 1991.  At the time of the report’s publication, almost $20 billion had been paid out by the pharmaceutical industry to settle allegations of numerous violations, including illegal, off-label marketing and the deliberate overcharging of taxpayer-funded health programs, such as Medicare and Medicaid.  Three-fourths of the settlements and accompanying financial penalties had occurred in just the five-year period prior to 2010.  At the time of the report’s publication, there was no indication that this upward trend was subsiding.

adhdThere are many other egregious practices that go on in Big Pharma and which are beyond the scope of this blog.  My point in writing this was first to help alert you to the hypocrisy of the so-called drug wars and second to bring to your attention the inordinate amount of effort and money that Big Pharma spends in trying to get you to buy their drugs.  If you watch TV or read any mainstream magazines, you cannot help but become inundated with ads for drugs to cure any problem you can think of.

larrythecableguyprilosecThe drug companies are the biggest pushers of drugs in the world today and all for a profit.  The fact that these drugs may help your condition is very secondary to Big Pharma’s primary goal which is profits.  The fact that many drugs should not be taken long-term and may have life threatening side effects is also not particularly important to the drug industry.  Between the ignorance of many medical doctors anxious to provide a fast treatment and the greed of the drug industry, you had best become a very informed and cautious consumer of any drugs you are going to take.  You should also be skeptical of any information provided by the drug industry.

Time for Questions:

What medications do you take?  Why?  What has been your history with drugs?  How informative has the drug information you have received been?  What do you think about all the drug advertising on TV and in magazines?  Do you think we live in an addicted society? Do you think the Drug War is real?

Life is just beginning.

 “People use drugs, legal and illegal, because their lives are intolerably painful or dull. They hate their work and find no rest in their leisure. They are estranged from their families and their neighbors. It should tell us something that in healthy societies drug use is celebrative, convivial, and occasional, whereas among us it is lonely, shameful, and addictive. We need drugs, apparently, because we have lost each other.”  ― Wendell Berry, The Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays

 

 

 

 

 

Pain and Suffering:   Can We Still Be Happy?  

30 Mar 2015 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

(The Suffering Song by the Willard Grant Conspiracy)  A great song to listen to while you read my blog today.

pain-logoI want to talk about pain and suffering.  These are subjects that are not addressed in most Western schools or colleges.  In fact, they are hardly even addressed in Western theology.  No one gives you the real scoop on pain and suffering.  They seem to be taboo subjects in Western Culture.  In “On Death and Dying,” Elizabeth Kubler Ross talked about the stages of grief that we confront when faced with the loss of a loved one.  This was a revolutionary book.  The subject of death seems to go along with pain and suffering.  However, while we now have grief counselors and bereavement counselors who are sectarian as well as secular in orientation, the medical profession seems to leave pain and suffering to the religious realm.  Most pronouncements about suffering from the theological domain seem to reflect such thoughts as follows:

“Suffering is no longer viewed as God’s divine lightning bolt intended to punish or curse the afflicted, but is understood as a divine context that is intended to radiate the glory of His love and mercy. As this reality crystallizes in the heart, people’s view of God changes. Where their Gospel-void interpretation once influenced their conclusion of God as the arbiter of pain as a means to justice, they now understand their pain as a means to understand His infinite grace resulting in the freedom to genuinely conclude He is truly a God that is good. They realize His mercy flourishing through suffering in that they were desperate in their weakness for the imputed righteousness of Christ, and that God was eager to offer it as a means to magnify His infinite love for them as they endure life in a fallen world.”  — How the Mercy of God Flourishes in Suffering

Perhaps such sentiments help the true believers, but they do little or nothing to slake my pain.  Maybe that is why Oxycodone and Percocet are more widely reached for these days than the Bible.  Pious sentiments notwithstanding, when I am in pain, I want relief.

Let’s back up a minute or a mile though.  If you are under thirty, you are probably asking “What is he talking about.”   I understand the sentiment.  Before I started to deal with pain more frequently in my life, I ignored these subjects just as I ignored the subject of aging or getting old.  When you are young and healthy, why think about pain and suffering?

Here is my answer.

There are several good reasons to address these issues but the primary one concerns your ability to keep joy and happiness in your life along with the inevitable pain and suffering you are going to experience.  The only question about the issue of pain is whether it will be over in a microsecond (as in a sudden heart attack or a car accident) or whether you will experience pain and suffering for many years of your life.

When I talk about pain and suffering there are three types or categories that you can experience.  You can experience any of these at any time in your life but you will most likely experience them as you get older.  The three areas in which we all experience pain and suffering are:

  • Cognitive or mental suffering
  • Emotional suffering
  • Physical suffering

Mental suffering concerns the thoughts, expectations and ideas that you have about life.  Pessimists suffer more in this area than optimists.  People with great faith may find their faith misplaced and suffer real anguish over their doubts.   The suffering and pain in this area is caused by our belief systems and how we define the world and reality.  You can change your belief system but you will always have some system that is subject to challenge and disconfirmation.

[As an aside here, I hate those snake oil sales people that ask you to “Defy your age.”  Check into their pitches and they will tell you that you can defy the aging process but of course it will cost you about $3000 dollars for their initial evaluation and about $1500 dollars per month thereafter in supplements.   My experience is that you can accomplish the same thing with a $30 dollar per month gym membership, an annual physical and depending on your needs maybe $100 dollars a month in supplements.]

Nevertheless, hormones, weight training, body building, aerobics and boot camps are not going to prevent pain and suffering.  They are not going to prevent physical or mental or emotional suffering.  This is THE simple fact that needs to be repeated and understood.

The second type of pain and suffering is emotional.  The death of a loved one.  Unrequited love.  Failure to accomplish our goals.  Disappointment with your favorite football team.  There are hundreds of sources out there that instill emotional pain in our lives. This was one reason that Buddhism is absolutely on the mark and addresses a subject that is seldom taught in Western culture.  This is the centrality of suffering and pain in our lives from the time we are born until the time we die.

Alone among the world’s religions, Buddhism locates suffering at the heart of the world. Indeed according to Buddhism, existence is suffering (dukkha). The main question that Guatama (c.566 BC – c.480 BC), the traditional founder of Buddhism, sought to answer was: “Why do pain and suffering exist?” — Buddhism

figure skating fallThe third type of pain and suffering is physical.  We know as we get older that we get more aches and pains.  Athletes start at an early age experiencing the pain of broken bones, sprained muscles, torn ligaments and sometimes worse.  Many people work in dangerous professions where the risk of physical injury is a daily part of their lives.  Several diseases which cause great pain do not differentiate between old age and youth.  Nevertheless, the specter of pain and suffering is much more evident for those of us who have passed sixty.  Whether it is a relative who has died or a friend who has died in a car accident, it hardly seems that a week goes by without someone either Karen or I knows who is now in the hospital or morgue.

While I don’t want to belabor the point.  I had surgery to have my prostate removed over a year ago now and then subsequently (perhaps because of the weakened tissue), I had to go in for hernia surgery.  Both of these were very painful but nowhere near as painful as the infection I had from a tooth implant which for some reason my body rejected. Thus, for the past two years, I have had an uncomfortable level of pain and suffering on a daily basis.  I have also watched my lover and best friend get more aches and pains as each day goes by.

There are those who describe “old age” in glowing terms: “Sageing not Aging”, “Growing old like a fine vintage wine” or “Positive Aging.”   There are dozens of books out there touting us to grow older and wiser or older and more graceful or older and more fulfilled.  There are a growing number of books promoting the new theory of “anti-aging.”  If these pundits are trying to put a shine or marketing spin on growing old, they are doing us a grave disservice.

Jan-88-The-Old-Age-of-an-Eagle-is-Better-than-the-Youth-of-a-Sparrow-copyAging is not a positive experience nor is it fun or painless.  Aging is a process of gradually losing both mental and physical capabilities.   At young womansome point in the aging process, you will experience increasing levels of pain and suffering.  You will not become a fine wine but more likely will be like an overripe orange or an overripe banana.  You will become shrunken and shriveled.  Your body will ache more in the mornings and after moderate exercise and just before you go to bed.  Physical infirmities that once took only a day to recover from will now takes weeks, assuming you will ever recover from them.   You will suffer increasing cognitive decline as you become more forgetful and you will eventually experience some degree of dementia or worse Alzheimer’s disease.  You will suffer emotional pain as your friends and loved ones depart the earth before you do.  Karen and I have now set up a funeral budget to cover donations and costs associated with deaths that are becoming a routine part of our lives.

Please accept what I have said as the truth.  The truth will liberate you.  Only the truth here will set you free.  By accepting the truth about aging, you will be free to find the joy and happiness that perhaps you have never found in your life.   By accepting death, you can liberate yourself from fear and worry.   My Aunt Mary Leone will be 101 this coming year.  She had a wonderful 100th birthday party last year.  She was recently asked “How old do you feel?”  She replied:  “I only feel about 85 or so.”

I want to tell you the following story about her. 

One Christmas Eve eight or nine years ago, My Aunt Mary was 92 years old and was having dinner with my sister, myself and some other family members.  After dinner, I was sitting with my aunt, who is also my godmother, and I asked her what she was going to do on Christmas Day.  She replied “I am going to help serve dinner to the elderly people at the Senior Center.”  I thought this was really funny and I replied:  “Aren’t you elderly Aunt Mary?”  She thought about this question for a few seconds and replied “Gee, I never think of myself as elderly.”

My Aunt has lost all of her siblings, her husband, most of her friends from childhood and two children.  Yet, she has more friends now than I do.  When I queried her about how she does this, she simply stated “Well, I like people and just continue to need them in my life.”  Her friends are now “elderly” who are younger than she is but old by many definitions.

One of my favorite magazines is the International Travel News.  This is simply the best news magazine for serious travelers in the world.  I was first told about this magazine by my good friend Dr. Hana Tomasek over 20 years ago.  It has helped me to plan trips to over thirty different countries and each trip was better than the last one.   I still get this magazine and peruse it monthly for ideas on new trips and exciting places and events to visit.  This month’s edition had an article that caught my eye called:  Learning Mandarin at 76.  I quote from the article:

“After attempting to learn Spanish and Portuguese in many countries in Central and South America and taking a crack at Russian in Ukraine; I decided it was time to try Chinese, specifically Mandarin.  I knew that, at age of 76, it would be a challenge, but what the heck?  You are only young once.”  —- Ralph McCuen

Mr. Ralph McCuen went to China where he studied for a month at a Chinese language school.  Costs of transportation, food, lodging, flights and all incidentals were less than $5,000 dollars.  Judging from the article, he had a fantastic vacation, learned to speak some Chinese and acquired a great deal of understanding about Chinese culture.  He sums the article up by stating:

“They (The Chinese) want the same things Americans want:  Peace, plus an opportunity for them and their children to create a better word.” 

Ralph is (in my mind) an older man who is living and not dying.  We die when we stop living.  We stop living when we are too afraid to try new ideas or adventures.  We are already dead when all we want to do is sit on the porch until we expire or become too senile to move.

My original conjecture was “Can we grow older and still have joy and happiness along with our inevitable pain and suffering?”  I have offered two examples of individuals who are enjoying life along with their pain and suffering as evidence that this is possible.  I am sure that both my Aunt Mary and Mr. McCuen have had their share of pain.  However, it has not stopped them from enjoying life and continuing to face its challenges.

examine-quotes-5I ask you to think of others who exemplify the principles I am promoting here and post them in the comments section.  I know that there must be thousands of people out there like my Aunt Mary and Ralph who are not letting the pain of aging take away their joy of living.  I think such stories are very inspirational and in the long run they will go further than hormone therapy to help us stay happy.  I can only hope that I will be able to emulate such role models as I get older.  I already think it is very funny that I get a senior discount at the movies and some other venues when I am only 68.  How many more perks await as I get older?

I will conclude this blog with some advice from Osho on the nature of pain in our lives and how to deal with it.

“It is very simple — pain is there because pleasure is there.  Pleasure cannot exist without pain.  If you want a life that is absolutely painless, then you will have to live a life that is absolutely pleasureless; they come together in one package…..Pain makes you very alert and pain makes you compassionate, sensitive to others’ pains too.  Pain makes you immense, huge, big.  The heart grows because of pain.  It is beautiful, it has its own beauty.  I am not saying seek pain; I am only saying that whenever it is there, enjoy that too.” —-Fear by Osho

One final story to end on.  Two years ago while with Karen at Kentucky Music week, I stopped by a local Wal-Mart to pick up some snacks from their deli department.  I particularly like the Southern Wal-Marts because some of them will carry fried chicken livers and gizzards in their deli departments.  I know these are not heathy but I have no desire to live forever and will occasionally indulge in such delicacies.  Longevity be damned.

main-qimg-772143a82f19373444e6cbb23a98a544Anyway, there was a young man who came to the deli counter and asked me what I wanted.  I told him a ½ lb. of the fried gizzards and a ½ lb. of the fried chicken livers.  I asked him how he was doing and he said “great.”   I replied “Yep, it’s always a great day if you can put two feet on the side of the bed when you get up and not have any pain.”   His response surprised me.  He replied “It’s a good day anyway.”  I went away thinking what a positive attitude to life this young man had.  Much more wisdom then I had at his age.  He was absolutely right.  Life is good anyway, regardless of all the pain and suffering. 

Time for Questions:

How do you cope with the pain and suffering in your life?  How have you prepared your children to deal with the pain and suffering that they will experience?  Do you agree that we can still experience joy and happiness regardless of our pain and suffering?  Do we have to deny reality to accomplish this?

Life is just beginning.

“Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the true beauty of their carvings.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

 

 

 

 

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