My Final Will and Testament – These Are My Unfulfilled Desires – Reflection #14

02 Dec 2024 3 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Two years ago at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that the Retreat Master gave us included a particularly challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.”  I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now over a year since this retreat, and I have almost completed the mental and emotional effort necessary to write all fourteen reflections for my “Testament.”   This reflection will finish the task that I started several months ago.

To Recap Somewhat:  The worksheet started with these instructions:

“Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a ‘Testament’ for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”

This is the final reflection.  It is Number 14 on the worksheet. 

  1. These are my unfulfilled desires:

The following unfulfilled desires are in no particular order.  I have waited a long time to compose this last reflection for my final Testament.  I struggled with how to say what I wanted to say without seeming like I was expecting any sympathy or support.  I neither look for nor desire any support.  At my age, I have been through enough self-reflection and counseling to know that I am not going to change my mind.  You see it is not a mind thing at all.  It is a feeling thing.  Try as I might, I still cannot shake these feelings.

I knew that I would not feel-good writing this reflection because it sums up too much of my life.  I grew up hard and I gave back hard.  I do not know if I would do anything different if I had a second chance.  The world has always been a hard place for me.  I had the feeling all my life of being a “Motherless Child.”  The last thirty years of my life were based on my hope that I could and would make and see a difference in the world.  The recent US elections have shown me how wrong I was.  I have not given up but I have little faith in the outcome.

Here than are the three major areas of my unfulfilled desires.  I hope to make a case for how important these are for you as well as they are for me.

  1. To leave the world a better place than when I entered

Years ago, I did not care one iota for this goal.  I was only concerned with making money, being successful, getting rich and having an enjoyable time.  People who are Baby Boomers like me all say that they knew where they were when JFK was assassinated.  Fact is, I have not a clue where I was.  Sad to say, I did not care about his being assassinated.  I was not interested in politics and did not see that it had anything to do with my goals or desires.  Politics was so far out of my stream of consciousness that I had no desire to vote or be involved.

When I joined the military in 1964 at the age of 18, I wanted to go to Vietnam to kill communists.  My right-wing father had instilled in me the thought that communism was bad and all commies deserved to die. Despite three tries to get to Vietnam, I never left the United States.  However, during my last two years in the service, I met many returning Vietnam vets.  The real scoop that these returning vets gave me on the war completely turned my ideas around.  I realized that the war was immoral and unjust, and that we were killing many innocent people who wanted to live the same kind of life that we did in the good old USA.  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be universal goals.  My military experience taught me this truism.  I became increasingly politicized over the following years.

There are many ways to make a difference in the world.  For years, I split my goals.  On the one hand, I wanted to make as much money as possible and on the other hand, I wanted to make a difference in the world.  I finally arrived at the point in my life where money was no longer a primary goal and making a difference was everything to me.  The feeling that I was helping others to live the life of their dreams.  I realized that the biggest obstacle to peace and prosperity lie in changing systems.  Dr. Deming used to say “Put a good person in a bad system and the system will win every time.”

I came to believe that many systems in the USA needed changing.  The criminal justice system, the health care system, the education system, and the Fourth Estate were all broke.  I could see that they were so broken that it was not simply a matter of patching them up.  We needed to start from the ground up and craft totally new systems to reach goals for the 21st Century and not the 19th or 20th Century.  I believed that the only way to accomplish this was by finding leaders and supporting leaders who believed in the same goals that I did.  Obvious to anyone today, such a vision did not materialize.  Is it impossible?  Are all politicians sycophants and crooks?

Whether or not you voted for Trump, the saddest part about the American elections is that nearly eighty-nine million people did not vote.  This figure represents 36% of the countries eligible voting population.  How do we change systems when one third of the people are  against the changes needed and one third of the people do not give a damn?

I have tried over the years through writing, consulting, teaching, marching and protesting to make a difference.  It feels like trying to stop the tide from coming in with a bucket and shovel.  A futile effort that maybe makes one feel like they are doing something but in the end it is “All sound and fury signifying nothing.”  Perhaps a reason for depression or even despair but not good enough for giving up and quitting.  If I have learned one thing in life, it is that we really can never know whether or not we have made a difference.  Only time will judge my life and I am sure that I will not be around to see the verdict.

  1. To have taken better care of the people in my life

I have never been a “people” person.  Ideas were the stuff and building blocks of my life.  I would rather go to an academic lecture than a wedding or a birthday party.  I had no desire to see my grandkids play football  or baseball.  I never cared whether my parents showed up at my games so why should I bother going to watch any idiotic sporting events?  Too much time is spent on what I call the “Opiate” of the masses today.  I still do not understand how any intelligent people can suddenly lose their minds over a “home” game or a Super Bowl final.  God (If there is one) why cannot you save us from this malady?

Nevertheless, more empathy on my part towards the people in my life would have been nice.  I realize that I have intellectual empathy towards people, and I care deeply about poverty and injustice.  However, I lack emotional empathy that connects me with the person rather than the concept.  I would sooner go to a protest march than a funeral.  As Jesus said, “Let the dead bury the dead.”— Luke 9:60.

You cannot bring them back so why the fuss?  I now realize that funerals are not for the dead.  I did not have this insight when I was younger.  The past few years, I have helped to organize three “Celebrations of Life” for some close friends.  I was touched by how much each of these events meant for the surviving friends and relatives.  My regret is for the people that I neglected by not having this kind of emotional empathy many years ago.

  1. To have been a kinder and more generous person than I was

Growing up hard, I thought that all people should be hard.  Life should be based on facts and data and not wishes and dreams.  In more ways than I can tell in this short reflection, I was not kind to many friends and relatives including both of my wives.  AA has a point where you make an inventory of the people whom you need to apologize to or make amends to for some wrong that you did to them.  I have thought of this AA process many times but I would not know where to start.  I no longer remember many of the names of the people that I hurt.  I am not sure how I could contact them or what they would say.

Several years ago, I was on the Oprah Winfrey show as a guest.  Oprah had a show each year dealing with forgiveness.  I had written Oprah with my story about my relationship with my daughter Chris.  I was very mean and intolerant of Chris’s behavior when she was only a young child.  She had stopped talking to me after I left my first wife.  I did not write Oprah because I wanted to be on the show.  I wrote suggesting a show about parents and children who were alienated from each other.

I was subsequently called by an Oprah staff member who said that Oprah liked the idea and would I be willing to come on the show.  I answered NO!  That was the end of that or so I thought.  Several months later, the Oprah show again called me and asked, “Would I come on if my daughter also agreed to come on the show?”  I thought about this for a while and finally agreed to the idea.  Maybe ten years had passed between Chris and I without a word.  I hoped that maybe a public apology on my part would be enough to turn things around between us.

Prior to the show starting, I was in the iconic Green Room getting my bald head polished so as not to shine too much.  Oprah came in to visit me with her little dog.  We talked general pleasantries for a few minutes and then she warned me not to get my hopes up too high.  Chris had accepted her invitation to be on the show with me.  However Oprah cautioned that my apology and request for forgiveness might not be accepted.

I came out on the stage and my daughter sat opposite to me.  Oprah sat between us.  Oprah started by asking me what I did that I wanted to ask Chris to forgive me for.  I talked about my meanness, my emotional abuse, and my lack of tolerance for Chris.  I asked Chris for her forgiveness.  She said NO!  She did not forgive me and would not.  That was the end of that.

Maybe thirty or so more years went by with little or no communication between Chris and I.  About five years ago, I reached out to her with a text message when I came back to Minnesota.  She agreed to have lunch with me.  The first two hours went by with her telling me how much she disliked me.  The third hour something changed, and we had a most amiable discussion.  For the next four years, each time I came back to Minnesota, Chris and I met for lunch in Stillwater Minnesota.  We would have a long lunch to talk about our lives and what we were doing.  For about 3 hours once a year,  we have a normal father daughter relationship.

I am not sure if Chris has really forgiven me or not.  At this point, it does not seem to matter.  I have asked her to come down to Arizona to visit but she merely nods her head.  I have not told her that I am probably not coming to Minnesota anymore.  All my good friends have passed away.  It does not make sense to me to come up to Minnesota for a once-a-year three-hour lunch.  Not sure where our relationship will go from here.  I did get a Thanksgiving greeting from her a few days ago and that was something new.  A brief message that means the world to me.  

Conclusions and Finality:

Well, there are no conclusions to living until the real finality takes over.  My insights now will not fix the past for me.  Writing is not cathartic for me either.  I have gone over these thoughts more times than I can count in the past fifty years.  So why do I bother?  As with most writers, I hope to make a difference.  Maybe some of you reading my story will avoid the mistakes that I made.  If so, no amount of money or success could make me happier.

  • The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge: Bertrand Russell 
  • Life is about creating yourself: George Bernard Shaw 
  • Happiness depends upon ourselves: Aristotle 
  • Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving: Albert Einstein 
  • All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better: Ralph Waldo Emerson

My Final Will and Testament – People Enshrined in My Heart – Reflection #13

23 Sep 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

Last year at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now over a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”

The worksheet started with these instructions:

Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”  This is Reflection Number 13 on the worksheet.

13.  These are the people who are enshrined in my heart.

All of these people are friends or relatives that I have personally known and interacted with as opposed to people I might admire from history or literature.

The following lyrics are from a song made famous by Tom Jones.  Perhaps you can guess from these lines who is first in my heart.

Well, she’s all you’d ever want
She’s the kind I like to flaunt and take to dinner
But she always makes her place
She’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner

She’s a woman
Oh, whoa, whoa, she’s a woman
Talkin’ about that woman
And the woman is my best friend

Well, she’s never in the way
Always something nice to say, and what a blessing
I can leave her on her own
Knowing she’s okay alone and never bored

She’s a woman
Oh, whoa, whoa, she’s a woman
Talkin’ about that lovely woman
And the woman is my wife.

Karen Yvonne (Blomgren) Persico is my blessing in life.  We met in 1983 after we both had sixteen years of marriage ending in heartache for each of us.  We dated for five years before we were ready to tie the proverbial knot.  This first five years of uncertainty has been followed by 35 years of ups and downs as we have navigated the shoals of marriage.  The ups have kept going higher and the occasional downs never as low.  If some people say that they have never had problems in marriage, this does not apply to us.  Karen turned 80 this year and I turned 78.  I never thought I could love or care for anyone as much as I do Karen.  The prospect of continuing to grow old is both comforting and frightening.   It is comforting knowing that we grow old along together.  It is frightening knowing that one of us will part ways with the other along the path someday.

Jeanine Persico Mosesian:  Second on the list of people enshrined in my heart is my sister Jeanine.  Jeanine is caring, compassionate and always helps those who need it.  Growing up we were separated by seven years of age but many more miles of family grief.  Somewhere approaching old age, we discovered each other again and have become close.  I am not one to say that “blood is thicker than water.”  I think Jeanine and I would have become good friends regardless of our family history.  Nevertheless, the many relatives and common family problems have given us a sound foundation for a sibling friendship.

After my first two enshrined people, I would not want to list the other people who have made a difference in my life in numerical order.  There is no scale or ranking that could be applied to show how much each of these people have meant to me.  Or how much of an influence each has had on my life.  I have listed them in chronological order of when they appeared in my life.  Each of these people have made a difference in my life without expectations of reward or perceivable benefits.  I would never had achieved or become the person I am today without the contributions and help of each of these folks.

Dorothy Jordan:  My mother.  A woman who had to survive more than her share of heartaches and violence.  She died at the age of 67.  My mother never stopped caring for children and became a foster mom to many after my father left her and all of her natural born children had left the nest.  The job of mothering was much easier without my father who did not believe in empathy and compassion for children.  In “Drama of the Gifted Child”, the noted Swiss Psychologist Alice Miller explains that in a dysfunctional family, it is “every man for himself.”  My mother had to dole out compassion like a thief in the night or be punished by my father for being compassionate and kind.  I will never forget her surreptitiously “buying” me an encyclopedia with her saved green stamps when my father thought I should just “get my ass to the library.”

Kwame Rice: One of my two best friends. We met in an undergraduate program for social studies at Rhode Island College in 1971.  Kwame is a good friend who goes out of his way to make a positive difference in the world.  He has never stopped trying.

Bruce Fellenz:  My other best friend.  We met in a graduate program at Stout State University in 1978.  Bruce is a person who cares about others and never turns down a request for help.

William Cox:  Bill was a big brother to me.  We met in 1979 when he was the Director of the Men’s Center in Minneapolis.  Bill took part in what was called at the time “The Men’s Movement.”  This was an effort by many men to “Un John Wayne” the role of men in society.  The goal was to help men get more in touch with their feelings and to overcome the stigma of being soft or feminine.  Bill was always there for men who needed help.  Bill was a Methodist Minister who married Karen and I in 1989.

Evelyn Rimel:  A mentor and chief instructor for counseling students at Stout State University.  She was one of the most compassionate people I have ever known.  She was a role model for all of us trying to learn empathy for clients.

Father Sthokal:  The Director at the Demontreville Retreat Center in Lake Elmo, Mn for fifty-eight years.  I attended my first retreat in 1986 and completed my 41st retreat this past July in 2024.  Father Sthokal left an indelible mark on all who ever met him.  He was a lovable curmudgeon.  Sometimes witty, sometimes sarcastic, but always wise and insightful.

W. E. Deming: I first met Dr. Deming in 1986 after completing my Ph.D. degree in Training and Organizational Development. I was hired by Process Management International as a consultant with the Deming Philosophy.  Deming destroyed my four years of business training and taught me what really matters in business.  (See the 14 Points for Business) by Dr. Deming.

There are many other people who have made a difference in my life:  Some honorable mentions are:

Louis Leone, a cousin who was my first “brother”

Margo House, a mentor who took me under her wing when my first wife left me

Sister Giovanni, my Principal at Guadalupe Area Project

Helen Boyer, my boss at the Metropolitan Council in Minnesota

Louis Schulz, the man who hired me at Process Management International in 1986.  Lou was a believer in the Deming Philosophy and become a close friend of Dr. Deming.  Lou created the PMI consulting firm to help spread the Deming method and ideas to the world.  In my mind, there has never been a greater philosophy of how companies can work closely with employees to provide needed products and services that will help the world.  In Deming’s methods, employees, managers, stockholders, investors, the public and of course customers are all involved in a win-win effort to satisfy the needs of all stakeholders. 

Shelly Wolfe, my boss at Crawford Rehab Consultants

Socorro Galusha Luna, a woman who gives her all to helping people find their place in the world.  Socorro asked me to help with a project to find jobs for ex-felons.  She had written a grant that received funding for this effort.  We have become friends over the years and she is still out their “counseling” people to help them with their career choices.  

Sam Pakenham Walsh,  My mentor at PMI when I first started and one of the most brilliant men I have ever met in my life.  We continued our friendship until the day that Sam P-W passed away.  I still miss our conversations and disagreements over theory and practice.

Dr. Hana Tomasek,  A consultants consultant whom Karen and I became best friends with.  I learned how to deal with difficult clients from Hana.  She was hired by PMI to help consultants fine tune their skills and abilities.  Few people could have acheived what Hana did with such grace and humility. 

No doubt, I will continue to forget and then remember other friends who should be on this list.

Next Week:  My Final Reflection Number 14:  “These are my unfilled desires”

My Final Will and Testament —Things That I Loved in Life —Reflection #1

08 May 2024 3 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

last-will-and-testament.asp_FINAL-5146e68080b449f0ba84c4edbe3f15b0

Last year at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now almost a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”

I am going to complete one or two reflections every other day for the next few weeks.  I would love it if you would do these tasks along with me.  If you would like to share your thoughts, that would be great, but I am not expecting anyone to do so.  I would like to know if you find any benefit in completing these activities.

The worksheet started with these instructions:

Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”

 1.These are the Things that I have loved in life.

Wow, where to start?  The effort brings tears to my eyes.  I fear that I have loved and lost too much.  In Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous poem “In Memoriam A.H.H.” he writes:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.  —- Canto XXVII

If only I could agree with Tennyson.  My soul does cry out for remorse and forgiveness but giving it to myself seems hard to come by.  The people that loved me and cared about me that I scorned in my life are mostly shadows now of another era.  An epoch that I want to forget about.  Can we really change?  Have I really changed.  I am ashamed to list what I have loved because I was so careless and thoughtless with so much of it.  If only I believed in a God of Forgiveness, it would make this effort so much easier.

I won’t say I have ever loved a thing.  I have never loved money, cars, or possessions.  I have loved the thought of fame and fortune.  I have never completely let go of the idea that around the next corner awaits my vindication.  Fame and fortune will anoint me as the true Knight that I dreamed of being.  When I was ten years old, I wanted to be an astronaut.  I wanted to fly into space on a rocket ship years before Captain Kirk was even born (at least on TV.) I loved the idea of adventure and discovering new places, things and ideas.  But my dreams were dashed by reality.  I was too short to be an astronaut and my eyes were not good enough to be a pilot.  Biological requirements that were set by who knows and for what reasons that dashed all hope of my dreams of going to the stars.

I have loved a few people.  Similar to my relationship with God, I am an Atheist when it comes to love.  Can you really love a car?  Can you love your new house?  Love seems to me something that must be reciprocal.  Only humans can really reciprocate love.  Even pets are only capable of licking your face.   However, with humans, most of the love in the world is a misnomer for lust.  Love at first sight is the most egregious example of lust to ever exist.  I see a woman with nice legs or nice breasts, and I fall “IN LOVE.”  Another idiotic phrase that should be stricken from humanity.  Six weeks later, we are married and promise to “Love and Cherish” each other for life.  This bliss or LOVE may last for a few months or years until the lust has all but disappeared and reality has set in.

I have never ever fallen in love with anybody much less anything.  I love Karen.  I love my sister Jeanine.  I love several old friends.  Love for me has to be earned.  It has to develop over time as with the “Velveteen Rabbit”,  “It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” — Margery Williams

Can I child really love a stuffed toy?  The logician in me says NO.  The cynic in me says NO.  The realist in me says NO.  My heart says YES, thereby negating much of what I have probably already said about love.  Love is in one sense logical and rational.  In another sense, it is emotional, illogical, and irrational.  I still question loving your car or loving your house, but I do not question the love that some people may have for their pets or even an inanimate object.  Reason tells me that a pet stuffed rabbit can somehow personify “love” much better than my desire for a Ferrari ever could.  I still can’t imagine in what warped dimension I might live where I could fall in love with a Ferrari or even cry when it was gone.

I shall add to my list of “Loves” the following:

  • Books
  • Ideas
  • Writing
  • Music
  • Food
  • Travel
  • Adventure
  • Adversity
  • Challenges

Number 2 of 14 Reflections in this Testament exercise is as follows: 

  1. These are the experiences that I have cherished.

I am posting this as a sort of “heads up” to give you some time to think about your own experiences.  I will reflect on mine in my next blog:

Here are some of my favorite quotes on love:

  • Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” — John 15:13
  •  “I hope it’s okay if I love you forever.” — Ally Maine, “A Star Is Born”
  •  “Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” — Zora Neale Hurston
  •  “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
  •  “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
  •  Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle