Last year at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts. The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me. It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete. I did not desire to complete them during the retreat. It is now almost a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”
I am going to complete one or two reflections every other day for the next few weeks. I would love it if you would do these tasks along with me. If you would like to share your thoughts, that would be great, but I am not expecting anyone to do so. I would like to know if you find any benefit in completing these activities.
The worksheet started with these instructions:
Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth. In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends. Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”
1.These are the Things that I have loved in life.
Wow, where to start? The effort brings tears to my eyes. I fear that I have loved and lost too much. In Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous poem “In Memoriam A.H.H.” he writes:
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all. —- Canto XXVII
If only I could agree with Tennyson. My soul does cry out for remorse and forgiveness but giving it to myself seems hard to come by. The people that loved me and cared about me that I scorned in my life are mostly shadows now of another era. An epoch that I want to forget about. Can we really change? Have I really changed. I am ashamed to list what I have loved because I was so careless and thoughtless with so much of it. If only I believed in a God of Forgiveness, it would make this effort so much easier.
I won’t say I have ever loved a thing. I have never loved money, cars, or possessions. I have loved the thought of fame and fortune. I have never completely let go of the idea that around the next corner awaits my vindication. Fame and fortune will anoint me as the true Knight that I dreamed of being. When I was ten years old, I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to fly into space on a rocket ship years before Captain Kirk was even born (at least on TV.) I loved the idea of adventure and discovering new places, things and ideas. But my dreams were dashed by reality. I was too short to be an astronaut and my eyes were not good enough to be a pilot. Biological requirements that were set by who knows and for what reasons that dashed all hope of my dreams of going to the stars.
I have loved a few people. Similar to my relationship with God, I am an Atheist when it comes to love. Can you really love a car? Can you love your new house? Love seems to me something that must be reciprocal. Only humans can really reciprocate love. Even pets are only capable of licking your face. However, with humans, most of the love in the world is a misnomer for lust. Love at first sight is the most egregious example of lust to ever exist. I see a woman with nice legs or nice breasts, and I fall “IN LOVE.” Another idiotic phrase that should be stricken from humanity. Six weeks later, we are married and promise to “Love and Cherish” each other for life. This bliss or LOVE may last for a few months or years until the lust has all but disappeared and reality has set in.
I have never ever fallen in love with anybody much less anything. I love Karen. I love my sister Jeanine. I love several old friends. Love for me has to be earned. It has to develop over time as with the “Velveteen Rabbit”, “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” — Margery Williams
Can I child really love a stuffed toy? The logician in me says NO. The cynic in me says NO. The realist in me says NO. My heart says YES, thereby negating much of what I have probably already said about love. Love is in one sense logical and rational. In another sense, it is emotional, illogical, and irrational. I still question loving your car or loving your house, but I do not question the love that some people may have for their pets or even an inanimate object. Reason tells me that a pet stuffed rabbit can somehow personify “love” much better than my desire for a Ferrari ever could. I still can’t imagine in what warped dimension I might live where I could fall in love with a Ferrari or even cry when it was gone.
I shall add to my list of “Loves” the following:
- Books
- Ideas
- Writing
- Music
- Food
- Travel
- Adventure
- Adversity
- Challenges
Number 2 of 14 Reflections in this Testament exercise is as follows:
- These are the experiences that I have cherished.
I am posting this as a sort of “heads up” to give you some time to think about your own experiences. I will reflect on mine in my next blog:
Here are some of my favorite quotes on love:
- Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” — John 15:13
- “I hope it’s okay if I love you forever.” — Ally Maine, “A Star Is Born”
- “Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” — Zora Neale Hurston
- “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
- “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
Aging Capriciously 