Hooters versus the All American Sports Bar

HootersGirlswithWingsLet’s get it straight.  Real men go to Hooters and not an All American Sports Bar.  This is no joke.  Wannabee jocks, would-be athletes and sports has-beens all go to an All American Sports Bar.  An All American Sports Bar is a place with twenty or more flat screen TVs, a large single screen of 60 or more inches, cheap lite beer (I call them Piss Beers) and some servers.  These are places for over the hill jocks that never even made it to the first string in high school.  Their usual line is “I would have made it but I blew my knee out.”

February 6, 2011 Packer Fans watch the Super Bowl from Zim's bar at 770 N. Milwaukee St. in Milwaukee.  From left to right,  Jennifer Sands of Milwaukee, Erinn Lobdell (cq)of Milwaukee, and Candice Winstead of Milwaukee, celebrate a Packer touchdown. MICHAEL SEARS/MSEARS@JOURNALSENTINEL.COM

Real men go to Hooters.  Hooters, if you have not been to any, are very similar to an All American Sports Bar and will also have nightly athletic events on a large screen TV.  In addition, unique events such as JELL-O and slime wrestling are occasionally featured along with tap beer specials.  But the main attraction at Hooters has to do with the name of the business: Hooters.  If you have not guessed it, one of the requirements for a server at Hooters has to do with what are known in the business as extra-stimulus physical attractions.  At Hooters, you have a chance to see reality up close and personal.  Hooters uniforms are very modest and afford the patron at the establishment an ample opportunity to view the extra-stimulus attractions of their individual servers.  Hooters Girls calendars can also be purchased on site.

sports-barThus, I maintain that an All American Sports Bars is for fantasy and jock wannabees but Hooters is for all the real men who want to deal with real reality.  Let me explain further.  In an All American Sports Bars, you can only watch your role models or jock heroes on a big big screen.  These heroes exist physically in another plane and as far as any jock wannabees are concerned it might as well be another planet.  In Hooters, the real thing is right in front of you.  Front and center are boobs and breasts that in most cases will knock your socks off.  These are usually the real McCoy, although in some cases they may be silicone implants.

sports_bars 1There is no way you can score in an All American Sports Bar since all the goals are on some 60 inch flat screen TV.  At any Hooters, if you are a real man, you can score one of the most beautiful women you have ever seen short of half-time entertainment at an All American Sports Bar.  However, your chances of meeting one of the leagues Pro Cheerleaders at your local All American Sports Bar is about zero, while at Hooters, you can have your pick of women that in many establishments rival anyone you will ever see on the big screen TV.

hooters-waitresses-1Now, I realize that many of you are probably dubious about my claims.  Some of you may even be offended by now or perhaps or calling me a liar.  So to keep this memoir objective and scientific, I decided to do what Sociologists call “First hand field work.”  Some would call it “Participant Observation.”  To test my assumptions and theories, I spent several hours at a local All American Sports Bar called “First Draft” observing the participants.  I subsequently went to my local Hooters of Frederic to also observe the participants.  It was hard not to “Go Native” and join in the festivities.  But I tried to maintain a certain neutrality so as not to favor one establishment over the other.  Eavesdropping on participants in both of these establishments provided plenty of evidence for my assumptions.  Just to give you a flavor of the night’s insights, I have summarized the following conversations that I overheard from patrons at each of the two venues that I visited.  (We Are the Champions)

First Draft Sports Bar:

Wannabee Jock #1        “Hey, you going to watch the big game tonight?”

Wannabee Jock #2       “Yep, watched the big game last week too.”

Wannabee Jock #1        “Think they got a chance to win?”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Yeah, if the lineup holds, but they have had quite a few injuries.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “What’s his name seems to be off his game.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Should have traded him a while ago.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Do you remember when what’s his name was playing?”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Yep, that’s when they had a team.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Should have gone all the way, but for the poor coaching.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Yep, it took em a while to get rid of that bad coach.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Best thing they ever did.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “So who do you pick tonight.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “I dunno.  Tough choice.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Yeh, it all depends on what’s his name.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Yeh, if he is on his game they could have a great night.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Yep, it all depends.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Hey, the games started.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Hey, I want my regular, a Bud light.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Yeah, my regular too, a Miller light.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Nothing like a good beer and a great game.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Yep, you can say that again.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Say what?”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Wow, did you see that play.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “Yeah, they keep missing all the opportunities.”

Wannabee Jock #1      “Yep, bad coaching.”

Wannabee Jock #2      “You can say that again.”

Well, that’s just a brief sample of the inspiring, scintillating, innervating and dynamic dialogue that I heard while visiting the First Draft All American Sports Bar.  After washing this conversation down with a Bud Light, I journeyed on over to Hooter’s of Frederic.  The following conversation was heard while I was at Hooters of Frederic.  (Hooters Theme Song and Video)

Hooters Patron #1       “Did you see that?”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “Wow, I don’t think I have ever seen any that big before.”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “Hi Babe, can you get me a Miller Light?”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “Did you see the way she looked at me?”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “I think she’s coming back with my beer.”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “Hey Babe, are those real?”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “What an asshole!”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “I think we should get another server.”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       Hey Babe, can you get me a Bud Light?

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “Did you see the way this new babe looked at me?”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “I think she’s coming back with my beer.”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “Wow, she was an asshole too.”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Hooters Patron #1       “Let’s go, I think they are all assholes here.”

Hooters Patron #2       “Holy Shit!”

Well, there you have it folks.  Opinion backed up by scientific proof.  Evidence from a true research field study backed up by experience and observation.  Losers and jock wannabees go to an All American Sports Bar but winners and real men go to a Hooters.  The real scoring takes place at a Hooters while the on-screen scoring is the only kind of scoring that takes place at an All American Sports Bar.

For information on a Hooters Franchise, please call me at 1-800 Have-a-Hoot or log on to my website at www.holyshit.com

Time for Questions:

I think we will skip questions for this week.  Unless, you have some good ones to ask and then I would recommend you post them in the comments section.   I am brain dead after writing this blog, or maybe I was before or maybe during. J

Life is just beginning.

Well, if you spend a lot of time in these places, your life has not really even started.  Get a life.  Read a book and skip the BIG GAME this week.

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