Aging Capriciously

I realized with a sudden insight the other night that my wife Karen was the “Landlord of the Bed.”  She is the lord, ruler and keeper of the bed.  To be specific, the bed referred to is “Our” bed.  The one that most nights of the year we sleep in.  The area over which Karen claims dominion is approximately 81 inches long, 62 inches wide and 25 inches high.  The generic name of her land is commonly known as a Queen-Sized Pillow Top Bed.   It leans on the firm side and gives a wonderful nights sleep.

It incorporates three virtual States.  One is the “State of Un-Made.”  A second is the State of Half-Made” and then there is the state of “Fully-Made.”  The Landlord has some liberal rules concerning what State the bed is allowed to remain in.  I will describe these rules later.

In addition to the three “States” of the bed, there are also two “Regions” of the bed.  There is the “On the Bed” region.  The Landlord of the Bed allows certain things to take place there.  These include folding clothes, laying out patterns, loading suitcases.  The second region is the “In the Bed” region.  There are also certain things that the Lord allows to take place there.  I will keep this description brief since I would like to keep this blog PG or Family rated.  However, the obvious things should not offend anyone.  These include sleeping, sometimes eating in bed, reading in bed, watching TV in bed, and holding some family discussions in bed.  The area I left out (For PG reasons) was once a more active activity in this region but time has diminished both our energy and vigor, enough said about this.

As Landlord of the Bed, Karen has many decisions to make each day.  What sheets to put on and take off.  When to wash the sheets and pillowcases.  When to replace the old ones with new ones.  What State to allow the bed to remain in.  How long she will remain in bed.  There are other issues not worth discussing.  As a very liberal Landlord, Karen always takes my feelings into consideration when she makes any of these decisions.  For instance, whenever I come back home (usually after an early morning run or hike) Karen will jump out of bed to come and greet meet at the door.  This makes me feel very special.  In the old days, I would have taken off my running gear and jumped back in bed with her.  However, the only jumping I do these days is when I run into a Jumping Cholla.  So called because their thorns jump out to stick you.

Getting back to Karen’s rules for the three States.  I would say they are somewhat ephemeral.  They are certainly not cut in stone.

Rules for Un-Made State are as follows:

• Ok, if sick
• Ok, if in a hurry to leave and we will be back soon
• Ok, if going to take a nap

Rules for the Half-Made State are as follows:

• Going to strip the bed soon to wash sheets
• Going to take a nap and bed has not yet been made
• Just feel too darn lazy to bother

Rules for the Fully-Made State are as follows:

• Whenever we have company coming over
• Whenever we are leaving for a longer period of time
• Whenever Karen wants the house to seem neat and tidy
• After clean sheets and pillow cases have been put on

I have to confess, it was Karen who first brought up the idea of a Landlord of the Bed.  It really has a long history in coming.  Karen has almost always accused me of hogging the covers.  For some reason (unknown to me or modern physics) the covers always seem to end up on my side of the bed.  Karen claims it is because I pull them over me in the middle of the night and then she has to yank them back to her side.  These baseless accusations have gone on since we were married.  They only seem to happen on cold nights or nights when it starts off warm and then gets colder.  You should know that we sleep with the windows open and both of us like a very cool bedroom.

The other night, quite to my surprise, I found the covers mostly on Karen’s side of the bed.  Although we live in Arizona, the nights have been down in the thirties and forties for several months.  This leads to a tendency for Karen to start off with few covers when it is warmer and then as the room temperature goes down, she will pull them over more and more when she gets cold.  I had just gone to the bathroom and when I came to go back to bed, I noticed that Karen had all the covers.

Somehow, the blanket was not only mostly on her side, but it was also all jumbled up with the top sheet.  I tried to rearrange them to get some covers on my side but did not have much luck.  I finally asked Karen, who was awake by then, if she would kindly fix the covers so that I could have some.  She wanted to know why it was her responsibility.  I told her because it was her bed and she was responsible for it.  She laughed and said, “What am I, the Landlord of the Bed?”

It was so obvious; I do not know why I did not realize it before.  She is the Landlord of the Bed!  She is the Lord and High Ruler of all the States and both Regions of our bed.  I want no responsibility for it.  I only want my rights.  Like most Americans today, I want my rights, but I don’t want any responsibilities.  If the covers and blankets all end up on my side of the bed, it is not my fault.  It is all Karen’s fault.  She should be the only one to blame.  A good landlord is responsible for making sure that their tenants are comfortable and that the facilities are in good working order.

Well, that is all I am going to write on this subject for now.  I have decided to hire a lawyer and to have him or her draft a “Rights for Bed Users Bill” that I will submit to Karen.  If she wants to continue sharing a bed with me, I want my RIGHTS!

“In bed we laugh, in bed we cry, and born in bed, in bed we die; the near approach a bed may show of human bliss to human woe.”  — Samuel Johnson