This year, after my 42nd silent retreat at Demontreville, I found myself reflecting over a different kind of lesson — one not from the retreat master, but from a conversation with my daughter.
My daughter Chris and I could hardly be further apart politically. I lean toward policies that support immigrants, the poor, minorities, and the sick. She supports Trump and the Republican agenda, which I believe diminishes those very groups. Our conversation was brief, but it revealed something that I have been mulling over ever since.
When it comes to personal interactions, my daughter is tactful, gracious, and considerate. She knows how to get along with people, soften conflict, and maintain civility. I, by contrast, am often blunt and confrontational. When I disagree, I rarely hide it. I leave enemies in my wake since I have little tolerance for greed and immoral people. She accuses me of being harsh, even inhumane, in my manner.
And yet, when I step back, I see an irony. My brusque words are often in service of a vision of justice for the many. Her gentle tone exists alongside a commitment to policies that, in practice, withdraw support from those most in need. In fact, the Trumpian policies she supports will result in starvation, disease and death for millions.
This tension raises a deeper question: what does it mean to be a true humanist?
Is it the ability to show kindness in the moment, face-to-face, even if one’s broader commitments bring harm to many unseen lives? Or is it the willingness to fight for systemic justice, even if the style of delivery offends, unsettles, or disturbs?
I think of Christ, who could be gentle with the broken and the poor, yet fierce with the powerful and the hypocritical. He healed with a touch, but he also overturned tables. His humanity was both intimate and systemic.
Perhaps that is the lesson I am being given now. Humanism is not one thing. It asks us to be kind in the small circle of our relationships but also bold in the larger circle of society. Without the first, justice grows cold. Without the second, kindness becomes complicity.
I wonder if my daughter and I — so different in politics, so different in style — are each holding half of a larger truth.
Aging Capriciously 
Sep 26, 2025 @ 18:59:31
very interesting comparison, John. You will already know that I agree with your views on how a society as a whole should function, being tolerant, inclusive, caring for those in need of assistance, and aiming for more equality, not less. Being civil or at least keeping your mouth shut rather than criticizing is a positive and important addition to ensuring a civil society, but I can see that being easier said than done. I have to admit that I simply cannot imagine living in the toxic, cruel, police state that calls itself the U.S. right now. I cannot imagine having a civil conversation with someone who believes that the cruel, illegal actions being taken by Trump are all right, or even somehow excusable. I’m in the fortunate position of not having to try to keep my mouth shut; I have no need or desire to cross the border ever again. What a terribly sad situation.
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Sep 26, 2025 @ 22:24:12
Thanks Jane. Good thoughts and very sincere. I indeed do find it difficult to be either silent or civil in the face of the atrocities that Trump and his supporters are inflicting on the world. I suppose if there is a hell, I may go there for being judgmental and intolerant. However, I do not see that we can or should tolerate inhumanity towards others. I don’t allow people to be bullied by others but I suppose that this has lead to my being unkind to some. For instance, I have fought in the past bullies who were picking on other people. I stepped between the bully and his prey and ended up putting some degree of hurt on the bully. I would do it again. It is somewhat of a conundrum since how do you stop violence with violence? Yet, what are the alternatives? Or at least sometimes it seems that there are no other good alternatives. If I were younger, I would leave the good old USA for greener pastures. Never thought I would be going through this type of hatred sponsored by my own government in my old age.
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 05:07:16
I know. It’s impossible to reconcile with “what might have been.” My heart goes out to you and all the other Americans who find themselves living this nightmare in their own country.
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 05:27:47
I agree with Jane as I often do.
But like you John I have difficulty being civil with people who support such atrocities towards others. I’ve tried with our own acquaintances and friends but the questions which always return to me are “what kind of person can support such a harmful agenda?” and “how can we be friends when you believe in such harmful, dangerous policies?”.
I’m unable to ignore and deny it for the sake of friendship and in some ways that’s sad.
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 11:46:18
Hi. Glad that we seem to all agree. When they take us away we will be in good company. I do keep asking myself “would I be friends with a Nazi telling me how great Hitler was?” Simple answer when you do not know the person or they are not related to you. Much more difficult when they are brother, sister, mother, father, daughter or son or perhaps best friend. Thanks for the comment. It is good to have company in one’s difficult times. John
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 12:40:03
Perhaps we only agree at a distance John 😁 but I agree with you, it’s much more difficult with people we’re closely connected to.
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 16:00:14
John, it is obvious we are all a product of our environments and as a result we all see situations differently, nothing wrong with that.
Which brings us to Trump, he is a product of his environment, an elected leader in a country that has claimed for many years to be ‘Democratic’ in fact a representative democracy. Trump is the face and voice of the American people.
How does any of this relate to Humanism? Simple humans are far from perfect, yet we expect perfection in others!! Humanists don’t exist, I sometimes wish they did, but then again I’m a realist and accept humanity for what it is.
Here endeth the 2nd lesson.
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 17:16:53
Hmmm. I think I oscillate between pragmatist and idealist Jon. Keep in mind only 33 percent of eligible voters voted for trump. Interestingly that is the highest percentage that Hitler ever received in an election. There is a moral here Jon. Do you see it?
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 17:42:38
John, I think you are correct in highlighting Trump’s 33% support, which indicates 66% of Americans either voted against him, or worse didn’t vote at all?
Here in Australia we have ‘compulsory voting’ which really means little, as we still have high levels of donkey votes or rude comments’.
The answer to your question (if I read it right), is in the saying ” the lord helps those that help themselves”, which I interpret as some people just don’t care!! Which brings us back to humanity and humanism.
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Sep 27, 2025 @ 21:33:14
Jon, do you think compulsory voting would help or hinder in the USA? I think it was close to 90 million eligible voters who did not vote and it has been about 35-37 percent in almost every presidential election since GW. The moral I was thinking of was that the winner is not necessarily the person who has a majority on their side. My mentor Deming used to talk about critical mass and when questioned about “how much” for a critical mass, he would always defer and say “Enough.” I think Trump got enough even if he did not get anywhere near a majority of Americans. Sad though in any case.
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Sep 28, 2025 @ 01:25:36
Hi John, prior to answering your question, I must admit to not fully understanding the American system. I believe you have first past the post elections, while here in Australia we have preferential voting.
So Australian voters can nominate the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so on choices. My understanding is Americans have a one vote one value system?
So would compulsory voting improve improve the American situation? Well it would improve the voters participation (no one wants to get fined) at the same time they might do more research into who offers what. But I don’t know how this would sit with your Constitution?
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Sep 28, 2025 @ 16:58:59
It does seem to be quite complicated Jon. I am of the opinion that our Constitution needs some major modifications or updates. These are unlikely to happen even if we had a Democratic government. I think many US citizens have moved considerably to the right in terms of conservatism and politics.
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Sep 28, 2025 @ 21:55:44
John, on other sites I’ve suggested Trump has done America and the world a service, he has highlighted the flaws in America’s “Democracy” and the fact SCUTUS is open to manipulation.
Governments world wide are having trouble controlling a restless population, as a result authoritarianism is coming to the fore. This will in my view only increase in line with GROWTH.
Back to America, the country has never, ever, come to grips with the result of the civil war, as a result, the festering sore is always there.
One can only hope America doesn’t drag the rest of the world down with it.
To think Trump holds the world in the palm of his hand!!!!!
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Sep 29, 2025 @ 04:07:08
Jon, I think you nail it exactly. As you warn, trump might just bring and in fact will if he can bring too many good people all over the globe down with his megalomania.
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Sep 28, 2025 @ 05:42:44
Hi, John, in reading your blog, I was struck by how lucky I am to have all of my family, brothers, sister, spouses and children all horrified by Trump in spite of some being quite conservative. We have friends who, like you, are not so lucky. The peace that unity brings to our family is so precious. I am sorry you don’t have that.
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Sep 28, 2025 @ 16:56:42
Thanks Dennis. I appreciate the comments and your thoughts. Funny, I find a lot more dysfunctional families than functional out there. I am very glad to hear that you have a family that can support your ideas and that you are comfortable with in terms of ideology. I think that is very rare.
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Sep 29, 2025 @ 21:52:05
I’ve never had parents or siblings on the de-humanising side of politics but I’ve had grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles and in-laws supporting bigots parties who blatantly oppress different groups. My parents are very big on social justice which has greatly influenced much of the extended family. We just keep conversations going and have keep engaging with the them. Detention of refugees and treatment of Aboriginal Australians have historically been the most contentious issues we struggle with.
We recently had a referendum on whether or not to give Indigenous communities a route to help inform policy and legal decisions that impact their lives. Giving people a say will lead to more effective results. I campaigned long and hard with my wife and children to support an Indigenous Voice to Parliament. I participated in many community meetings, information stall and most insightfully training webinars on how to find common ground with people who have opposing values.
Something that connected with me was positive framing:
Talk about a shared value
Who is the real villain? Failure of successive governments on each side of politics (Be specific)
Solutions – Offer a positive example of a solution the could deliver a result that solves a problem and maintains human rights
Finish with you vision of a better future using a collective “we” statement, eg: Respecting diversity creates a society that includes everyone and excludes no one.
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Sep 30, 2025 @ 03:40:07
Thanks for the comment and ideas. I may use some of them in a future blog.
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Sep 30, 2025 @ 12:51:08
First Nations people already have a “voice” in the Australian parliament at both state and federal level via their elected representatives. There have been First Nations parliamentarians of both sexes for many years. To suggest any group of Australians are officially discriminated against is untrue.
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