I think that I am a coward. I don’t want to grow old. They say that growing old is not for the faint of heart. Every day, I understand that aphorism more and more. In the last thirty days, four friends have passed away. Mickey, Glen, Bill, and Dick. I could write a blog about each of them. They were all just nearing 80 years of age. Not one of them died of Covid. Had you known any of them, you would have been truly fortunate. Perhaps, one of my greatest blessings in life has been to have people like this for friends. People who lived life to the fullest and cared about other people. Men who went out of their way to help not just family but strangers.
Two weeks ago, we found out that Karen’s oldest daughter Julie had five brain tumors. For the past year or so, she had been acting very strange. She had frequent bouts of forgetfulness along with severe headaches and neck pain. Doctors had been treating her for an enzyme imbalance for several months, but she kept getting worse. Her husband thought it might be the onset of early dementia.
Finally, someone decided to do an MRI for her. At first, it looked like one large brain tumor but a neurosurgeon looking more closely at the scan found four other tumors. Julie had been diagnosed with leukemia when she was six years old and for ten years had undergone frequent trips to the hospital for chemo and radiation treatment. They believed that the tumors were related to the radiation treatments.
Julie is now fifty-three years old. She went in for surgery on Tuesday of this past week. She was in surgery for nearly seven hours. They chose to remove the largest tumor but indicated that they would need to go in for another one at a later date. They were not able to remove the entire tumor since it was awfully close to the optic nerve and they were afraid of damaging it and causing blindness. Ironically, they want to use radiation therapy to try and remove the rest of the tumor.
Karen flew out Friday night thinking that she could try and help Julie when she returned from the hospital to her home. Only one person could be in the hospital each day with Julie and her husband was the obvious choice. Karen worried all week as complications arose each day and Julie did not seem any closer to coming home. As I write this, it is now five days past surgery and Julie is still in the hospital. She has been in and out of intensive care since the surgery. Karen and Rob (Julie’s husband) have agreed to alternate days spent with Julie at the hospital. So Karen is in Minnesota now and I am watching the home front here in Arizona.
I am growing old, but I am growing more tired of seeing people I care about either get sick or dying. I went to a concert last night with two friends Evelia and Angie. Karen originally was going to go but being with her daughter was the greater priority. The concert was put on by the True Concord Singers and Orchestra in Tucson. It was held outside on a patio at what appeared to be an old mansion that had become a private men’s club. It was called the Mountain Oyster Club. Since it was members only, they would not let us dine there. I had originally thought that after the concert we could dine at this exclusive club but that was not to be. We ended up going to a resort called the El Conquistador. My two companions are both Latina and I wondered what they thought about dining at a place called El Conquistador.
The concert was called “The Trailblazers” and consisted of songs arranged by women composers and based on the works of noted women writers and artists. Some of the composers included Judith Weir, Hildegard von Bingen, Emma Lou Diemer, Ysaye Barnwell and Alice Parker. The writers and poets included Emily Dickinson, Maya Angelou, and Edith Franklin Wyatt.
The fifteen songs performed were arranged along a series of themes. One set of the songs was called “Remembering Those We’ve Lost.” Thinking back to my lost friends while these songs were performed brought tears to my eyes. Reflecting on what it might mean to me if Karen should pass away before I do, I could not bear the thought. Coward that I am, I am hoping to pass from this world without too many more losses of those I love. Here are a few of the lyrics from the songs in the concert. It is of course quite different and much more moving hearing these sung but the lyrics themselves are quite compelling.
From: “My Companion” by Edith Franklin Wyatt (1873-1958)
Let the roadside fade:
Morning on the mountain top,
Hours along the valley,
Days of walking on and on,
Pulse away in silence,
Let the world all fade,
Break and pass away,
Yet, will this remain,
Deep beyond all singing,
Beautiful past singing.
We are here together,
You and I together,
Wonderful past singing.
From: “Wanting Memories” by Ysaye Barnwell (1946- Present)
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
You used to rock me in the cradle of your arms,
You said you’d hold me till the pains of life were gone.
You said you’d comfort me in times like these and now I need you,
Now I need you, and you are gone.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you’ve gone and left me, there’s been so little beauty,
But I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.
I finished a run this morning in the mountains. Saw a large coyote on the trail and thought at first it was a deer. You are not likely to see a deer in the desert, but the coyote was large and brown and from a distance it did look like a small deer. As I ran, I could not help but thinking of the song by Doris Day “Que Sera, Sera.” The lyrics that go “Whatever will be, will be. The futures not ours to see, Que Sera, Sera.”
We scheme, we plan, we strategize, we organize, we bribe, we cajole, we blackmail so that we can control the future. We pray to whatever god or gods we believe in to keep our loved ones safe from harm or pain. I am sure that every one of you reading this would rather suffer death or pain before seeing your family, friends or children suffering. Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
But as written in Ecclesiastes, it is all vanity. Nothing but vanity. I can’t stop a single person I know from dying or suffering pain. The best that I can do is to be there for them during their suffering. This is the role that my spouse has chosen to take with her oldest daughter. It is a role that I would gladly have pass by me since coward that I am, I find it harder to watch my family, friends and others suffer then to deal with my own suffering.
I once loved the poem that admonished us to: “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.” Now I wonder, what could Robert Browning have been thinking? I am waiting for “the best that is yet to be.” I must be missing something. As each day goes by and as yet another friend leaves this earth, I am more and more wondering what I will have left when they are all gone, and I am the only one here.
Nothing I have ever worked for, saved for, bought, owned, or possess will have any meaning without the ability to share it with those I love. I think about walking through the house where I am now sitting without my spouse or friends or family and it is by far a fate worse than death and dying. I won’t rage into the night. I am reflecting upon death as a comforting blanket than I can pull over my head and use to hide from the sorrows of the world. I will not rush it, but as many have realized that have gone before me, at some point, we all know that our time has passed, and that we must leave this world. As for what will come after, I can only say “Que Sera, Sera.”
I think you will enjoy this song: https://youtu.be/xZbKHDPPrrc
Que Sera, Sera
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Well, you are probably thinking, “You can’t always pick your relatives, but you can always pick your friends.” This is absolutely true, but how many people do you know that have lifelong friends that they can trust and rely on in an emergency? I could start a long list of friends that I have left behind over the years for one reason or another. I have ex-friends who became rabid Trump supporters whom I said goodbye to. I have ex-friends who said goodbye to me, and I never knew why. I just did not hear from them anymore. I have other ex-friends who I could no longer relate to for one reason or another. Friends seem to me to be like annual flowers. They pop up for a while and then they fade away. I have five good friends left. I would have more, but some died early and one committed suicide.
have put the bad and the ugly out first so that you would not simply hear a chorus of how wonderful friends and relatives are. The truth of the matter is that as in most of life, you often have to take the bad with the good.
Friendships based on utility derive some perceived benefits from each other. Perhaps helping each other with building or fixing things. Friendships based on pleasure derive fun or shared activities together. Friends who canoe or ski or golf together. Friendships based on virtue derive mutual benefit from pursuing shared values and goals. Friends who work together for a common good. According to Aristotle, friendships based on pleasure and utility tend to be shorter than friendships based on virtue or goodness because needs and pleasures often change over time. Our values in life are less transient and more permanent. Friends who share your same values will be friends for life.
I have written about friendship several times in my blogs (See my 
This conservative trend was already well underway when in 2017, a billionaire real-estate developer named Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States of America. In addition to the hard core conservative beliefs of many mainstream Republicans, Trump added the once discredited idea of American Isolationism. We would now put America first, no matter what. No more negotiations with other nations unless it was clear that we got the better of the deal. We would build a big wall to keep Mexicans and other immigrants out and we would renege on our trade deals with China and Europe. About the only country that Trump liked was Russia. Eventually, he agreed to give Alaska and parts of Canada back to Russia.
I am 39 years old and have two children. I have never worked (at least outside of the home) as women have not been allowed to work since 2022 when they passed the “Women in the Home Law” as it was popularly called. The Federal government passed the law and it was ratified by every state and municipality in the nation. Some places tried to hold out but the government cut off all funding to them until they capitulated. This law effectively outlawed women working. It also barred women from the military. Ten years later (2032) they passed the “Mandatory Birth Act.” This bill proscribes that every woman (physically able to) must give birth to at least two children. Any woman who reaches the age of 32 and still has not given birth to two children is forcibly removed to a National Birthing Center where she will be artificially impregnated and kept confined until she has had at least two healthy children. Sickly or unhealthy children are sent to Disposal Camps where they are “recycled” per official government propaganda. No one is quite sure what happens during recycling but the children are never seen again.
nations. Since banning imports of such items, we have created millions of jobs making goods that were once made in low wage countries. The demand for such goods has skyrocketed but now we are providing them. Unfortunately, the wages and education needed for such work is still low. My husband did not finish high school but most men in our town do not. The Fathers have repeatedly stated that real men don’t need higher education. (I will talk more about education later.)
not allowed in the living room when his sports are on except to bring in some beer or chips. This does not really bother me much as I have plenty to do with the kids, housecleaning, cooking and all. I have my own TV in my sewing room where I can watch any of the approved programs for women. We have 30 different “Women Only” channels where I can learn more about cooking and cleaning and how to be a good wife. There are some good romances and family drama stories that are occasionally on. I look forward to watching these when the kids are in bed.
Libraries are now mostly museums. With the passage of the “Books Only Lie Bill” in 2038, all funds to public libraries were cut. The Fathers decried that books did nothing but cause trouble and stir up discontent. Anything citizens really needed to know could be found on the “Citizens Channels” offered by the government Department of Public Wisdom. There are over 100 of these channels which are available on public TV. They are on 24/7 and offer many programs for good citizenship. Some of the programs are:
Aging Capriciously 