family | Aging Capriciously

Memory – A Perishable Commodity That is Invaluable

23 Jul 2026 4 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: family, happiness, life, love, memory, music, sadness, writing

Once in a while it is fun to do a blog on a song that means a lot to me and I hope to some of my readers as well. I have done several of these “song blog posts” in the past. I hear the song while I am writing and I only wish that I were musical enough to be able to sing it as well as write about it.

This particular song is from the musical Cats which is an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Mr. Webber had a slew of great musicals with some very unforgettable songs. This song is called “Memory.” The song “Memory” from the 1981 musical Cats was composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber with lyrics written by Trevor Nunn, which were based on the poems of T.S. Eliot.

The song is about an elderly feline Grizabella who dreams of the days when she was young and beautiful and full of energy. She has a chance to be reborn again and holds out hope for this to happen, which is reflected in the song. The song is more than just about growing old, it is about aging, loss, regret, identity, hope and the courage to continue living. For those of us over a certain age who think of themselves as “elderly” it was like this song was written for us. I know when I hear the rising and falling tones that I feel sad but also joyful. Perhaps there is a life again after this one.

My memories come alive like characters in a movie that I am watching. Only the movie is in my mind. My father is driving in the car with my mom and I. My mother is taking me to a Chinese restaurant on a Friday night in Jamaica. I am pulling my sisters hair because she is annoying me. My cousin and I are building a tree fort, but no girls are allowed. Time goes by from childhood to adolescence, to youthful adult, to middle age, to growing old but not wanting to admit it, to finally conceding that I am old, to realizing that death is what my next adventure may be. In all of these stages, friends, enemies and relatives make brief appearances on stage with me. But I remain the star of my show. Perhaps someday, someplace, somewhere, they will make a movie of my life. “The Young John Persico.” But I doubt it and it would probably not be a big box office hit anyway.

Memory
Turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there
The meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin

In this first verse, we see an association between happiness and starting a new life. It makes us wonder if we struggle to live a life and that living does not really begin until we know what happiness means. But happiness is not going to mean the same thing to you as it does to me. I thought that once I was retired and beyond a reasonable prospect of finding meaningful work that my “happy” days were over. I have never been so happy as when I was doing work that had meaning and purpose. Work that would make a difference to the world and just maybe make the world a slightly better place than when I entered it.

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember
The time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory
Live again

The singer (Grizabella) remembers a time when she was admired, attractive, and full of life. She isn’t merely recalling youth—she is remembering when she felt that she belonged.

“I was beautiful then” isn’t simply about physical beauty. It means:

I mattered.
I was loved.
I had purpose.
I knew joy.

This is something many older people experience. We don’t simply miss being young—we miss being the person we once were. We look in the mirror, and we do not recognize the person that we see because the images that we have in our mind do not match the image we see in the mirror. I still run as fast as I did when I was 30 years old except my mile times back then were six minutes and now they are 13 minutes. I think my watch must be running slower. On a recent scuba diving trip, the deck hands called me “Pops.” I had to look around to see who they were talking to.

We don’t go to wild parties anymore, first because we never did and second because we would not last five minutes anyway. My life seemed to have more purpose when I was working. There was and is an indelible association in my mind with getting a weekly paycheck and having a real purpose in my life. A monthly Social Security check does not seem to do the trick.

I knew what happiness was when I cashed my paychecks. Each check represented the value of my work for the world. I was naïve but happiness was working and getting paid. As we grow older and wiser, the meaning of happiness evolves and matures. Happiness goes from certainty to uncertainty and back to certainty. But like the Zen Cycle, the new or latest certainty has a different character and a different profile than the certainty we had when we were young.

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning

I wake up in the morning. An ugly taste in my mouth. Cigarette butts fill the numerous ashtrays, and the smell of tobacco lingers in the air. Empty bottes of wine and beer are scattered around the kitchen and a few tables. The kitchen sink is full of plates and glasses. There is a stillness in the room which contrasts vividly with the noise and boisterousness of the previous nights. Interesting how life can change so quickly like day goes into night. But it is time to get back to business. Nothing is forever. Friends, relatives, and jobs are so much smoke in the air. Here today and gone tomorrow. The only certainty is that life goes on with or without us.

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn’t give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

This verse makes me think of the famous line from the Shakespeare comedy, “As You Like It.”

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

Well, I am ending my seventh chronological age and in September will begin my eighth age. Karen wants me to go for nine, but I keep telling her that the odds are against it. But if I don’t give in, if I don’t concede to the inevitable, perhaps I have more memories to create. Can I talk myself into surviving when like others before me, I no longer feel like I fit into the present world. I am reminded of the words written by Thomas Jefferson.

On May 11 in 1819, Thomas Jefferson wrote about making peace with his slow descent toward death.

“A decline of health, at the age of 76, was naturally to be expected,” he wrote, “and is a warning of an event which cannot be distant, and whose approach I contemplate with little concern. For indeed in no circumstance has nature been kinder to us than in the soft gradations by which she prepares us to part willingly with what we are not destined always to retain.

“First one faculty is withdrawn and then another, sight, hearing, memory, eucrasy, affections, and friends, filched one by one till we are left among strangers, the mere monuments of times past, and specimens of antiquity for the observation of the curious.”

Maybe I am too pessimistic, but I think we have a time we belong to and a time we don’t belong to. My parents did not belong to the Elvis and Beatles era, and I do not belong to the Taylor Swift and JayZ era. I increasingly feel like “a specimen of antiquity” as did Jefferson.

By the way, Eucrasy means (a healthy, well-balanced state of the body). I had to look that up. I am always amazed at how erudite our Founding Fathers were.

Sunlight through the trees in summer
Endless masquerading
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking
The memory is fading

Life is a charade. We play many roles and fulfill many identities in life. Many if not most of these simply fade away like Mac Arthur’s “Old Soldier”. Our memories fade. Strange it is to wonder what we will be left with. I remember digging trees with Mexican Braceros who did not speak English. I remember climbing a tree to escape the police when I was in high school. But I can’t remember my first date or the first woman I was really in love with.

I remember going to the 1964 Worlds Fair when I was 16 and spending two days looking at exhibits by myself. I remember both times when I tried to eat a fried banana. Once at the 1964 Worlds Fair and once in 1966 at a Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans. Suffice it to say that the bananas did not agree with me. But I did not give up. Years later in Mexico, I tried again and was successful. The third time was a charm. Would I have tried more times with some other endeavors in my life. Those are memories that I try to forget.

Touch me
It’s so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You’ll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day
Has begun

Now we reach the emotional climax.

Many people hear this as a request for physical affection. I think it is far more profound.

She is asking:

See me.
Recognize me.
Treat me like I still matter.

Every lonely elderly person understands this plea. We want to know that we still count. Perhaps that is why grandparenting has become so important. As Baby Boomers leave behind so many of the things that they lived for, grandchildren replace the antiques of their lives with the youth and curiosity that we once owned. We may not go raging into the night, but we do not want to go lonely into the night.

I was stumped though by what the line “If you touch me, you’ll understand what happiness is.”

I asked Metis (AI Assistant) how she would interpret this line. She gave me four possibilities.

The one I like best says that compassion gives people back their humanity. When someone reaches out with kindness— they help restore the person’s dignity.

Grizabella is saying: “Compassion transforms not only the lonely person—it transforms the compassionate person as well.”

Finale:

I do not really have much more to say so I will not call this a conclusion section. I leave it to you to form your own conclusions. What would be a fitting end or denouement to this blogpost? My friend SoundEagle has advised me not to call these blogs but blogposts. A sort of technical difference but I have taken his advice.

I like the idea of a finale since it goes along with the music theme of the blog. So, what better way to end this blog. You guessed it.

Reflections on Humanism: A Father and Daughter in Conversation

26 Sep 2025 20 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: death, family, humanism, humanist, Jesus, justice, life, love, mental health, trump, writing

This year, after my 42nd silent retreat at Demontreville, I found myself reflecting over a different kind of lesson — one not from the retreat master, but from a conversation with my daughter.

My daughter Chris and I could hardly be further apart politically. I lean toward policies that support immigrants, the poor, minorities, and the sick. She supports Trump and the Republican agenda, which I believe diminishes those very groups. Our conversation was brief, but it revealed something that I have been mulling over ever since.

When it comes to personal interactions, my daughter is tactful, gracious, and considerate. She knows how to get along with people, soften conflict, and maintain civility. I, by contrast, am often blunt and confrontational. When I disagree, I rarely hide it. I leave enemies in my wake since I have little tolerance for greed and immoral people. She accuses me of being harsh, even inhumane, in my manner.

And yet, when I step back, I see an irony. My brusque words are often in service of a vision of justice for the many. Her gentle tone exists alongside a commitment to policies that, in practice, withdraw support from those most in need. In fact, the Trumpian policies she supports will result in starvation, disease and death for millions.

This tension raises a deeper question: what does it mean to be a true humanist?

Is it the ability to show kindness in the moment, face-to-face, even if one’s broader commitments bring harm to many unseen lives? Or is it the willingness to fight for systemic justice, even if the style of delivery offends, unsettles, or disturbs?

I think of Christ, who could be gentle with the broken and the poor, yet fierce with the powerful and the hypocritical. He healed with a touch, but he also overturned tables. His humanity was both intimate and systemic.

Perhaps that is the lesson I am being given now. Humanism is not one thing. It asks us to be kind in the small circle of our relationships but also bold in the larger circle of society. Without the first, justice grows cold. Without the second, kindness becomes complicity.

I wonder if my daughter and I — so different in politics, so different in style — are each holding half of a larger truth.

What America May Be Like in the Year 2056

28 Jul 2025 5 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: America, christian, democrats, equality, family, freedom, happiness, immigration, justice, liberty, marriage, minorities, Politics, republicans, trump, values

freedom-is-slavery

The following is an imaginary story I wrote back in January of 2017. I wrote it at the start of the first trump administration. I was reflecting on what life would be like in about 40 years under a Republican dominated government. I just happened to come upon this blog again a few days ago. After rereading it, I was surprised by how many of these things seem to be coming to pass under the “NEW” trump administration. I have decided to publish it in the original without making ANY changes at all. Love to hear your comments and what you think.

———————————————————————————————————

I live in Republicanville USA. It is a small town of about 1,500 people in the rural Midwest. Today in my town, all the women are barefoot and pregnant and all the men are stupid and misinformed. It wasn’t always this way. Things started to change about 75 years ago, when Ronald Reagan became President. My town had always been very progressive and liberal but we started hearing more and more about how we were being taken advantage of by the poor, those on government handouts and those too lazy to work. The Republicans who in our town had always been a minority began to grow in numbers. The more we heard about welfare cheats and welfare freeloaders and those on drugs taking advantage of us, the more my town embraced a new concept of democracy. It was more like “every man or woman for themselves” rather than “all for one and one for all.”

obey-jesus-or-perish

Our U.S. democracy which had always prided itself on a separation of church and state seemed to forget the reason for this partition. Increasingly, a group called Evangelical Fundamentalists became more popular along with their criticism of many progressive institutions. Republicanville USA moved more and more to the right. The concept of unbridled capitalism became enshrined as a religion and many people began opposing “big” government and taxes. The Republican Party preached that the marketplace could provide for all social, physical and economic needs of U.S. citizens. My town moved even further to the right.

trump-state-of-the-union This conservative trend was already well underway when in 2017, a billionaire real-estate developer named Donald Trump became the 45^th President of the United States of America. In addition to the hard core conservative beliefs of many mainstream Republicans, Trump added the once discredited idea of American Isolationism. We would now put America first, no matter what. No more negotiations with other nations unless it was clear that we got the better of the deal. We would build a big wall to keep Mexicans and other immigrants out and we would renege on our trade deals with China and Europe. About the only country that Trump liked was Russia. Eventually, he agreed to give Alaska and parts of Canada back to Russia.

Trump came through on his promises to the Evangelicals that he would make America White again and put women back in the bedroom where it would be okay to grab their pussies whenever you wanted to. Minorities were targeted for deportation and women libbers promoting abortion or equal rights for women were arrested in wholesale sweeps and sent to special detention centers for chronic complainers and protesters.

I would like to describe in somewhat more detail what my town is like now in 2056. Things are a lot different than when I was born in 2017. I will divide my discussion of these changes into three areas: Family, Education and Social Issues.

Family:

another-day-in-paradise I am 39 years old and have two children. I have never worked (at least outside of the home) as women have not been allowed to work since 2022 when they passed the “Women in the Home Law” as it was popularly called. The Federal government passed the law and it was ratified by every state and municipality in the nation. Some places tried to hold out but the government cut off all funding to them until they capitulated. This law effectively outlawed women working. It also barred women from the military. Ten years later (2032) they passed the “Mandatory Birth Act.” This bill proscribes that every woman (physically able to) must give birth to at least two children. Any woman who reaches the age of 32 and still has not given birth to two children is forcibly removed to a National Birthing Center where she will be artificially impregnated and kept confined until she has had at least two healthy children. Sickly or unhealthy children are sent to Disposal Camps where they are “recycled” per official government propaganda. No one is quite sure what happens during recycling but the children are never seen again.

Many gay women resisted the Mandatory Birth Act and the National Suicide Rate went up dramatically. The “Fathers” (as our political leaders are now called) made it very clear that the country would be better off without such deviates. Since women were no longer allowed in politics, the leaders of the nation decreed that they would all be called “Fathers” instead of being referred to as politicians or legislators as they once were called.

My husband works at a local mill where they make t-shirts for Japan, China, Brazil and some of the more developed t-shirt-workers nations. Since banning imports of such items, we have created millions of jobs making goods that were once made in low wage countries. The demand for such goods has skyrocketed but now we are providing them. Unfortunately, the wages and education needed for such work is still low. My husband did not finish high school but most men in our town do not. The Fathers have repeatedly stated that real men don’t need higher education. (I will talk more about education later.)

When my husband is not working, he spends most of his time watching football, baseball, basketball, golf or hockey. I am men-watching-game not allowed in the living room when his sports are on except to bring in some beer or chips. This does not really bother me much as I have plenty to do with the kids, housecleaning, cooking and all. I have my own TV in my sewing room where I can watch any of the approved programs for women. We have 30 different “Women Only” channels where I can learn more about cooking and cleaning and how to be a good wife. There are some good romances and family drama stories that are occasionally on. I look forward to watching these when the kids are in bed.

Our two children, Mary and John are 12 and 15 respectively. Mary is in a finishing school for girls where they are preparing her for being a mom and wife. She takes subjects such as homemaking, cooking, cleaning and parenting. She has one more year to go before finishing school.

When Mary turns 14, she will be eligible for marriage. Her name will be put in a marriage registry. If she is lucky enough and pretty enough, some up and coming town Father will select her for a wife. Men who qualify due to income levels are allowed to have up to five wives.

woman-vacuum-cleaning

My son John is not in school any longer and he works part-time. The Fathers decried that girls did not need schooling after the age of 13. John hopes to get a job in the t-shirt plant where his dad works when he turns 16. He quit school because we could not afford a private school for him. Only the rich kids in town go on to education beyond the 10^th grade. Private schools are very expensive and the Fathers do not believe in funding education any more. It has been emphasized that education is an elitist program that creates class divisions and makes some people feel more entitled than other people. Most young men in our town will work in one of the mills or plants.

Education:

anti_public_education_propaganda_by_8manderz8-d5xz1cj

I have already talked about some aspects of our education system today. Basically, most people do not believe in higher education anymore. It is only for the rich. All funds for public education were cut in 2035 when they passed the “Private Education Act”. Most folks now send their kids to private schools through the 8^th grade and then find work for their children after that. Girls will be shortly married so school is not thought to be that important for them anyway. They can learn whatever they need to be a good wife on the “At Home Wives Channels.”

students-1920-1950-9_jpeg

Boys from families with lower incomes can opt to go to privately funded vocational schools to learn such trades as t-shirt making, sneaker making, jewelry making, gun repair, taxidermy, and many other skills that might be in demand. There is still some funding for such programs that is available for lower income families. All public colleges have been closed now. As I noted earlier, such schools were decried to be elitist and the Fathers were unanimous in un-funding them.

Boys from wealthier families go to the more prestigious private schools where they will learn such skills as: Leadership, Accounting, Business Development, Entrepreneurship and Medicine. Law was abolished as a field of study in 2030 with the passage of the “No More Lawyers Act.” This act basically made lawsuits illegal thus dramatically decreasing the need for lawyers in the U.S.

Courtrooms abolished “adversarial” trial procedures with the “No More Lawyers Act” and replaced the old-fashioned method of two people arguing trials with modern Computerized Forensic Tomography. Using CFT, a cross section of the case and evidence pro and con is presented to the jurors. All the available facts and data are reviewed and jurors vote on the verdict. Trials are much more efficient and there is no need for lawyers.

Anti Education Libraries are now mostly museums. With the passage of the “Books Only Lie Bill” in 2038, all funds to public libraries were cut. The Fathers decried that books did nothing but cause trouble and stir up discontent. Anything citizens really needed to know could be found on the “Citizens Channels” offered by the government Department of Public Wisdom. There are over 100 of these channels which are available on public TV. They are on 24/7 and offer many programs for good citizenship. Some of the programs are:

Disciplining your children
How to take proper care of your guns
Disciplining your wife
Obeying your supervisor
Getting along with co-workers
Obeying authority
Keeping a clean house

Social Issues:

Social issues or problems (as some people thought of them) have been mostly eliminated in our town. Our Fathers banned minorities in 2040 with the “America for Whites Act.” Under this act, no immigrants or people of color can live in the same community as White people. In 2041, they passed the “Christian Only Act” making Christianity the official Religion of the USA. All other religions were banned along with atheism and agnosticism. The “Mandatory Religion Act” in 2042 made it a felony crime not to attend a Christian church every Sunday.

In our town, there is only one church now. It the Fundamental Evangelical Christian Church for Christ. We have two pastors who are both well versed in Old Testament theology. They are fond of saying that “Heaven is for the obedient, the disobedient will all go to hell.” We are taught that Jesus will come again before the end of the century to judge the living and the dead. The good folks will go to heaven and the bad will burn forever in the flames of hell.

We still have crime in our community but not very much. It is severely punished with public floggings, beatings and hangings. Criminals are banished to work rehabilitation camps for hard labor. Drugs are still a major problem but the new “One Strike Act” passed in 2050 decried that anyone caught with an illegal substance would face a mandatory life sentence at a penal colony somewhere in the South China Sea.

immigration-reform

Gay men still can be found but homosexuality can be punished under the “2045 Purity of Purpose Bill” with mandatory castration. Boys are encouraged to be manly and any evidence of femininity in our boys is severely dealt with. Our town brought back “town stocks” a few years ago, to punish any boys or men caught in homosexual activities. These punishments plus the threat of castration have decreased the rate of homosexuality considerably in our community.

Well, I could tell you a great deal more about life in our town in 2056, but I have cleaning and cooking to do. Furthermore, if anyone knew I was writing this I would be in big trouble. Under the “Against Propaganda Law” passed in 2041, no one may criticize the government, any Fathers or any laws without official authorization from the local town council. I could be publicly flogged or worse for saying these things. Thus, for now I will just hide this away. I don’t mean to be either a coward or a complainer. Our Fathers say this is the Golden Age of America and that we are living in the greatest Christian country in the world. Who am I to argue?

Time for Questions:

Are you living the good life? Do you live the life you dreamed of? Do you think you have a right to your dreams? Do you think other people also have a right to their dreams? How much authority do you think a government should have over your dreams? What kind of dreams do you have for your children? What do you call progress?

Life is just beginning.

“No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?” ― George Orwell, Animal Farm

Are You a Little Weird?

22 Mar 2025 7 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: different, family, horror, life, non-normal, strange, weird, writing

“Are you a little weird?” “Of course not you would say.” No one wants to be thought weird. Not little babies, not adults and certainly not teenagers. But I don’t think being weird is really such a bad thing. In fact, I think the world needs more weird people. If you look at the so called “normal people” in Washington these days, it would be great if we had more weird people.

I want to be weird. Weird people do strange things and do not try to be like other people. Weird people are not conformists and dance to their own tunes. Weird people do not look and dress like other people. Sometimes, weird people come from other countries. Weird people eat weird things like lefse, lutefisk, snail salad, Kim Chee, Hákarl, chicken feet, Hagis and Rocky Mountain Oysters. Weird people dress strangely as well. They don’t all wear ripped blue jeans and t-shirts.

If I call you weird, you will probably not take it as a compliment. Isn’t that sad? Why are we so afraid of being weird? Weird people don’t want to fight wars in strange lands. I never had a fight with a weird person. Weird people seem to believe in live and let live. Weird people don’t want to hurt other people or rape the environment. Isn’t’ that strange? You never get flyers from weird people saying, “Please send me money, I am running for office.” Or “send me money now and I will stop sending you spam mail and hacking your credit cards.”

Weird people are probably Un-American. You never see weird people wearing t-shirts that say, “These Colors Don’t run.” Or “Send all the Immigrants Back.” For some reason, weird people are not very patriotic. They seem to endorse the view that “Patriotism is the Last Refuge of a Scoundrel.” I spent four years in the military during the Vietnam War and I met very few if any weird people in the military. I never met any weird Captains or Colonels and certainly not any weird Generals. It is considered quite normal in warfare to bomb the hell out of anyone you want to save. Ergo, the phase “Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do and die.” Weird people might challenge that phrase but then they would be put in front of a firing squad.

I know that when I grew up, parents did not want their kids to be weird. They wanted them to play sports like other kids. Go to school like other kids. Go to college and get a good job like other kids and watch the same TV programs as other kids. Most normal families want their kids to fit into the American dream. They want their kids to be rich, famous, successful and have lots of money. They don’t want their kids to associate with weird people. “Watch out for that weird guy on the corner!” “Stay away from those weird girls.” “Don’t dress so weird or you will not be liked.” “Why can’t you be like all the other kids.”

“Don’t do anything weird” is the secret to success in America. Play golf on Saturday, go to church on Sunday (none of those weird religions please like Jehovah Witnesses, Zen Buddhists or Hari Krishnas) stick to churches that praise our war efforts and preach the “Prosperity Gospel.” Let’s all gather in the Rose Garden and pray for success in our next war.

Weird people are not wanted in America. Weird people stick out like sore thumbs. Who wants weird people living on their street or in their gated communities or their RV parks. Weird people often come in a variety of colors and even genders. Some weird people say that they are not male or female but are really neutral or transgender or nonbinary or some other weird categories that normal people cannot pronounce. Weird people often have weird ethnic affiliations that are hard for normal (White) people to understand. Her mother was from Ethiopia, but her mother’s parents were from Malaysia and Indonesia. Her father was from Nigeria, but his parents were from Scotland and Nova Scotia. Hard to send weird people back to where they come from since some of them come from such weird places.

Well, that is all for today folks. If you spot any weird people, please be tolerant, kind and compassionate towards them. Whatever you do, please do not call Trump’s “Office of Normal People Only Wanted Here” to report them. They will be happier if you just ignore them. By the way, where I live in Arizona, Mexicans and Canadians are actually not considered weird.

My Final Will and Testament – People Enshrined in My Heart – Reflection #13

23 Sep 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: compassion, family, friends, kindness, love, marriage, people, testament

Last year at my 40^th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts. The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me. It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete. I did not desire to complete them during the retreat. It is now over a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”

The worksheet started with these instructions:

Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth. In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends. Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.” This is Reflection Number 13 on the worksheet.

13. These are the people who are enshrined in my heart.

All of these people are friends or relatives that I have personally known and interacted with as opposed to people I might admire from history or literature.

The following lyrics are from a song made famous by Tom Jones. Perhaps you can guess from these lines who is first in my heart.

Well, she’s all you’d ever want
She’s the kind I like to flaunt and take to dinner
But she always makes her place
She’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner

She’s a woman
Oh, whoa, whoa, she’s a woman
Talkin’ about that woman
And the woman is my best friend

Well, she’s never in the way
Always something nice to say, and what a blessing
I can leave her on her own
Knowing she’s okay alone and never bored

She’s a woman
Oh, whoa, whoa, she’s a woman
Talkin’ about that lovely woman
And the woman is my wife.

Karen Yvonne (Blomgren) Persico is my blessing in life. We met in 1983 after we both had sixteen years of marriage ending in heartache for each of us. We dated for five years before we were ready to tie the proverbial knot. This first five years of uncertainty has been followed by 35 years of ups and downs as we have navigated the shoals of marriage. The ups have kept going higher and the occasional downs never as low. If some people say that they have never had problems in marriage, this does not apply to us. Karen turned 80 this year and I turned 78. I never thought I could love or care for anyone as much as I do Karen. The prospect of continuing to grow old is both comforting and frightening. It is comforting knowing that we grow old along together. It is frightening knowing that one of us will part ways with the other along the path someday.

Jeanine Persico Mosesian: Second on the list of people enshrined in my heart is my sister Jeanine. Jeanine is caring, compassionate and always helps those who need it. Growing up we were separated by seven years of age but many more miles of family grief. Somewhere approaching old age, we discovered each other again and have become close. I am not one to say that “blood is thicker than water.” I think Jeanine and I would have become good friends regardless of our family history. Nevertheless, the many relatives and common family problems have given us a sound foundation for a sibling friendship.

After my first two enshrined people, I would not want to list the other people who have made a difference in my life in numerical order. There is no scale or ranking that could be applied to show how much each of these people have meant to me. Or how much of an influence each has had on my life. I have listed them in chronological order of when they appeared in my life. Each of these people have made a difference in my life without expectations of reward or perceivable benefits. I would never had achieved or become the person I am today without the contributions and help of each of these folks.

Dorothy Jordan: My mother. A woman who had to survive more than her share of heartaches and violence. She died at the age of 67. My mother never stopped caring for children and became a foster mom to many after my father left her and all of her natural born children had left the nest. The job of mothering was much easier without my father who did not believe in empathy and compassion for children. In “Drama of the Gifted Child”, the noted Swiss Psychologist Alice Miller explains that in a dysfunctional family, it is “every man for himself.” My mother had to dole out compassion like a thief in the night or be punished by my father for being compassionate and kind. I will never forget her surreptitiously “buying” me an encyclopedia with her saved green stamps when my father thought I should just “get my ass to the library.”

Kwame Rice: One of my two best friends. We met in an undergraduate program for social studies at Rhode Island College in 1971. Kwame is a good friend who goes out of his way to make a positive difference in the world. He has never stopped trying.

Bruce Fellenz: My other best friend. We met in a graduate program at Stout State University in 1978. Bruce is a person who cares about others and never turns down a request for help.

William Cox: Bill was a big brother to me. We met in 1979 when he was the Director of the Men’s Center in Minneapolis. Bill took part in what was called at the time “The Men’s Movement.” This was an effort by many men to “Un John Wayne” the role of men in society. The goal was to help men get more in touch with their feelings and to overcome the stigma of being soft or feminine. Bill was always there for men who needed help. Bill was a Methodist Minister who married Karen and I in 1989.

Evelyn Rimel: A mentor and chief instructor for counseling students at Stout State University. She was one of the most compassionate people I have ever known. She was a role model for all of us trying to learn empathy for clients.

Father Sthokal: The Director at the Demontreville Retreat Center in Lake Elmo, Mn for fifty-eight years. I attended my first retreat in 1986 and completed my 41^st retreat this past July in 2024. Father Sthokal left an indelible mark on all who ever met him. He was a lovable curmudgeon. Sometimes witty, sometimes sarcastic, but always wise and insightful.

W. E. Deming: I first met Dr. Deming in 1986 after completing my Ph.D. degree in Training and Organizational Development. I was hired by Process Management International as a consultant with the Deming Philosophy. Deming destroyed my four years of business training and taught me what really matters in business. (See the 14 Points for Business) by Dr. Deming.

There are many other people who have made a difference in my life: Some honorable mentions are:

Louis Leone, a cousin who was my first “brother”

Margo House, a mentor who took me under her wing when my first wife left me

Sister Giovanni, my Principal at Guadalupe Area Project

Helen Boyer, my boss at the Metropolitan Council in Minnesota

Louis Schulz, the man who hired me at Process Management International in 1986. Lou was a believer in the Deming Philosophy and become a close friend of Dr. Deming. Lou created the PMI consulting firm to help spread the Deming method and ideas to the world. In my mind, there has never been a greater philosophy of how companies can work closely with employees to provide needed products and services that will help the world. In Deming’s methods, employees, managers, stockholders, investors, the public and of course customers are all involved in a win-win effort to satisfy the needs of all stakeholders.

Shelly Wolfe, my boss at Crawford Rehab Consultants

Socorro Galusha Luna, a woman who gives her all to helping people find their place in the world. Socorro asked me to help with a project to find jobs for ex-felons. She had written a grant that received funding for this effort. We have become friends over the years and she is still out their “counseling” people to help them with their career choices.

Sam Pakenham Walsh, My mentor at PMI when I first started and one of the most brilliant men I have ever met in my life. We continued our friendship until the day that Sam P-W passed away. I still miss our conversations and disagreements over theory and practice.

Dr. Hana Tomasek, A consultants consultant whom Karen and I became best friends with. I learned how to deal with difficult clients from Hana. She was hired by PMI to help consultants fine tune their skills and abilities. Few people could have acheived what Hana did with such grace and humility.

No doubt, I will continue to forget and then remember other friends who should be on this list.

Next Week: My Final Reflection Number 14: “These are my unfilled desires”

Were the Good Old Days Really Happy Days?

04 Feb 2024 13 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: death, dreaming, family, good old days, grandpa, grandparents, grief, Happy Days, memories, nostalgia

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Once upon a time there were the “Good Old Days.” Now before you laugh or proclaim, “Oh No, not another Geezer gig;” allow me to issue some disclaimers. First, If you are not at least 60 years old, you will not remember the “Good Old Days”. The “Good Old Days” took place in the USA between 1954 and 1964. They have also been called “The Happy Days.” If you are under 60, you will be too young to remember these days. Second, if you are an African American, you may not subscribe to my paean to “Happy Days”. You will more than likely have had recurring experiences of overt racism in a country using Jim Crow laws to keep Blacks in their place and to put as many in prison as possible.

If you are Gay or LGBTQI+, you also may not remember these times very fondly. Chances are you were forced to deny your sexual preferences and had to watch out on the streets for fear of being molested and assaulted. If you are a woman, you might not remember these times very fondly either. Back then, a woman’s place was said to be in the kitchen and her role was to be barefoot and pregnant. There was no place for women in politics, business, military, or senior positions in any organization. When it comes to other minorities, Jews, Latinos, Asians, Pacific Islanders, all would have stories of subtle and not so subtle discrimination during the “Good Old Days”.

But there is no denying that a large number of Americans do look back upon some of these days with a great deal of fondness. I am one of them. I do not tend to be overly nostalgic. I do not spend much time looking back. However, I have to admit, as a young White male during the period of time noted, life was not so bad. The same was true for many older White men as well. Even some of the groups excluded or ostracized by mainstream America during this period had a few exceptions. People of color and other minority groups who may look back upon at least a few of these days with happy memories as well.

I was eight years old in 1954. My age of innocence ended in 1964 along with many other young men who heard the Siren calls of war in Asia. “Come save America from the Communists. If you don’t stop them in Vietnam, before you know it, they will be in California.” Kennedy was assassinated in 1963 and we put a man on the moon in 1969. I joined the USAF in 1964 to save the USA from “Godless Communism.” It would be another two years before I learned what is true of most wars. They are waged by stupid people for stupid reasons and the people who suffer the most during these wars have the least to gain.

With these disclaimers out of the way, what are some good things that I remember about “My Good Old Days.” Remember this is looking back and comparing the old days to the times I am now living in. Some of these good things might not have been as good as I thought, but back then I was still in my “Days of Innocence” as well as in the my “Happy Days”. Here is my list of good memories from the “Good Old Days:”

Little evidence of environmental degradation
No climate change
Never heard of serial killers
No worry about getting shot in school
Plenty of snow during the winter to play in
Water was drinkable everywhere and lakes were clean
Floods and other natural disasters were much rarer
I could walk to school by myself
There were no anti-heroes only heroes
Never heard of pedophiles
I did not have to worry about a razor blade being put in an apple on Halloween
Movies were 25 cents and candy was five and ten cents. Popcorn was 15 cents
Gas was 21 cents per gallon and hamburger was 12 cents per pound
Mom was home when I got out of school to make me a snack
Lots of time to play sandlot ball on Saturdays with my friends
The USA was in a brief period of peace between the end of the Korean War in 1953 and the ramp up of the Vietnam War in 1964
We still had large family gatherings since people were not spread all over the globe or country
We had bright starry nights since light pollution was not prevalent in many areas
No concealed carry. You did not worry about being mowed down on the street by some maniac with a gun
The Boy Scouts were still a respected group
The really bad kids in school were those who chewed gum
School bullying was uncommon
Obesity was uncommon
No such thing as road rage
I could make a few bucks with a paper route
The USA was at its peak of economic prominence. We were the major exporters of goods to the world
Grid lock had not become common on our highways
People were able to make a living on family farms and family fishing boats
Speed limits were sensible
Teachers, lawyers, and politicians were respected
The average inflation rate in the United States between 1954 and 1964 was 1.37% per year
Economic prosperity: The economy overall grew by 37% during the 1950s and unemployment remained low, about 4.5%. At the end of the decade, the median American family had 30% more purchasing power than at the beginning.

Times have changed a bit. No doubt you could make an even bigger list of good things going on today. But there is no denying that once upon a time in a land called the USA, there was a set of days that for many people will never be forgotten. For those of us who lived well during this period, we can’t deny our feelings of regret that so many of the things in my list have become shadows of the past.

“Tell Me About the Good Old Days” by the Judds

Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Sometimes it feels like this world’s gone crazy

Grandpa, take me back to yesterday

When the line between right and wrong

Didn’t seem so hazy

Did lovers really fall in love to stay

And stand beside each other, come what may?

Was a promise really something people kept

Not just something they would say

Did families really bow their heads to pray?

Did daddies really never go away?

Whoa, whoa, grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Grandpa, everything is changing fast

We call it progress, but I just don’t know

And grandpa, let’s wander back into the past

Then paint me the picture of long ago.

Our Tree of Memories

12 Dec 2023 15 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: Christmas, Christmas Tree, family, Holidays, lifestyle, memories, Merry Christmas, Ornnaments

Every year since Karen and I were married we have put up a Christmas Tree. Putting up a tree was once something I hated almost as much as I hated the entire Christmas event. I would be more than happy to forget that Christmas ever existed. I made my first wife miserable with my incessant complaints about Christmas and made a promise to myself not to let my hatred of Christmas get in the way of Karen’s love for the holiday. So very dutifully I unload the tree and boxes of ornaments, put on some Christmas songs, and help Karen decorate our tree.

Yesterday, we went to a friends open house to view her decorations. She has absolutely the most gorgeous holiday decorations I have ever seen. It takes her months to decorate most of the rooms in her home and I truly marvel at her energy and the organizational skills it would take to put all her decorations up, take them down, store them and then find them again the following year. In one room, she had a very large beautifully decorated Christmas tree. You would not find a lovelier tree in either Macy’s or Gimbels 😊.

After returning home, I sat down in our living room a few feet from our own tree. I asked Karen what she thought of our friends tree, and she remarked how gorgeous it was. In comparison, I thought our tree looked a little more puny and nowhere near as stylish. I replied to Karen, “Yes, her tree was prettier than ours, but I like ours better.” Karen agreed. I then thought, if her tree was more beautiful, then why would I prefer ours? I wondered if I was just being defensive. I asked myself this question and I realized it was not defensiveness. Our tree would not turn any designers heads but for me the beauty was in all the memories that were on our tree. Almost every ornament has some memory attached. I told Karen, “Think of all the memories we have on our tree. I am going to write a blog about it.”

My blog strategy was to pick out several ornaments from among the hundreds on our tree and to share with you some of our memories in terms of what they mean to us. Since the memories are both Karen’s and mine, I asked Karen to help pick some decorations that were special to her and to share her memories of them. Karen inherited a few of the decorations from her parents and some she acquired before we were married. Several of the decorations actually go back to before either Karen or I were born. I will include pictures of our tree and each ornament as we both take turns describing our memories. The ornaments selected are simply in random order.

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I bought this ornament after my first wife and I were divorced. It is the first ornament I ever remember buying. Not sure what drew me to it, but I really loved it. Maybe it was the woman that I wanted to marry. After Karen and I were married, we hung it on the tree that we put up on our first Christmas living together.

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I have an adopted Korean daughter, Susan. I bought this at a summer Korean camp. Susan went to Korean day camp as a child, but later began teaching at Korean day camp while her sons attended camp. The little bear is wearing the traditional Korean female dress called called the Hanbok. It is a distinctive clothing item that is unique to Korea. I wanted Susan to have knowledge of her birth country, and eventually she found her birth mom, visits Korea and keeps in regular contact with her.

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I spent my high school years in Johnston, RI. If you have ever been to Rhode Island, you will know the significance of this cup. Dunkin Donuts permitted generations of young Italians like me to start “dunkin” their donuts. My sister lives in Rhode Island and a highlight of our visits there used to be a trip to a Dunkin Donuts store. From a small local chain, they are now a national chain. I never really thought their coffee was that good. Karen likes expresso coffee and Dunkin Donuts was not known for their expresso.

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In 2020, after our Russia trip was cancelled due to Covid restrictions, we replanned a trip to Spain. We went to Spain in 2021 and stayed just outside Barcelona in a town called Cervello. Barcelona is one of the most beautiful cities we have ever visited. Perhaps the most extraordinary building in the city is the La Sagrada Familia. It was designed and built by the architect Antoni Gaudí. This ornament is a design by Gaudi that shall always remind us of the La Sagrada Familia.

John and I seem to have an affinity for all things Asian. We have been to China, Taiwan, Japan and Korea together. We particularly love Asian food. Minnesota opened its heart and doors to many Vietnamese and Hmong refugees after the Vietnam war was over. They have become a part of the Minnesota culture and contribute to it in many ways. This decoration was purchased at a Hmong craft festival in St. Paul and was hand made and sewn by a Hmong woman.

This little ornament was purchased when we bought our 26 foot Aspen Trail about five years ago. For many years Karen had wanted to start doing our snow birding in an RV rather than by car. I finally gave in and we purchased a 2018 Aspen Trail pull-behind trailer. Karen spent months redecorating the interior and making it into a real home. It was a labor of love for her. For five years she enjoyed the trailer and its many conveniences. This all came to an almost screeching halt a few months ago when we were returning from Wisconsin to Arizona. We had a freak accident that ended up in our RV being declared a total loss by our insurance company. We were glad to walk away with our lives. We were both sad over the loss, especially Karen. Nevertheless, we decided to put our RV days behind us just as we once did with our motorcycle days.

This ornament represents my oldest daughter Juli and her love for ice skating. From an early age she wanted to be a figure skater and we started her with lessons with Oberhamer skates at age 3. We were at skating lessons year round until just before her 7th birthday when she was diagnosed with leukemia. That was the end of the lessons. The next five years were filled with doctor visits for chemo and radiation therapy. After her induction therapy she remained in remission, but the years had taken their toll on Juli’s dreams of becoming a figure skater. Skating was still a part of our family with her younger brother and sisters taking lessons, and Kevin participating in speed skating.

Karen and I love the ocean and swimming. Based on the recommendation of a friend back in 1992, we booked a week long tour of the U.S. Caribbean on a 192 foot Tall Ship called the Sir Francis Drake. 20 crew members and thirty passengers. We stopped in many ports that the bigger cruise ships could not enter. We swam off the ship to the beach where we would collect shells and have lunch. It was a wonderful week of sun, sand and surf. We always talked about doing it again. Unfortunately, in late October of 1998, Hurricane Mitch hit Honduras. The Sir Francis Drake and her sister ship were moored in the harbor. The next morning after the storm swept through, both ships were gone. It is assumed that they were swept out to sea and sunk. Our ornament is all that remains of the Sir Francis Drake. That and our memories.

Do you know what this is? It is a Mountain Dulcimer. While we were on a motorcycle trip to Mountain View Arkansas, I saw it being played on what locals called the “Pickin Green.” I was fascinated by the instrument that was played on your lap with hands in a piano type position. I have always loved to play the piano but it is hard to take a piano on a trip. I thought that a Dulcimer would be easy to pack and I hoped it would not be too difficult to learn to play. That was about 14 years ago and now I give lessons to beginner Dulcimer players. I play with a group called the Tucson Dulcimer Ensemble. There are about 15 members of the group. We play at the request of music and activity directors for churches, nursing homes, assisted living centers and other venues. We once played at a Red Hat get together and also at a Bahai celebration. We do not take money for our performances and we do it for the love of playing and to share the joy of music with others. John is my roadie and helps to carry all the equipment that I have acquired over the years.

Our daughter Susan gave us this ornament. It does not need much explanation. We weathered the storm and if you are reading this, then you survived as well. One funny or at least it seems funny thought is the fact that we had all our shots, boosters etc., quarantined as much as possible, and never argued about wearing our masks. This year we received our 3rd booster shot as well as a flu shot. We thought that we had dodged the dreaded Covid Virus bullet. Alas, it was not to be so. Both of us came down with very mild Covid symptoms and subsequently flu symptoms as well. The Covid went away rapidly but the flu symptoms lingered on for weeks.

I don’t remember where this ornament came from. I seem to remember it being a gift from a member of the children’s choir at our church where I was the accompanist for several years. It brings back memories of nursing school at the University of Minnesota, working at hospitals and for many years as a home care nurse and manager. I knew I didn’t have enough musical talent to make a living in music. I didn’t want to teach as my mother had done, but I was intrigued by nursing from age 12. I paid my way through college and became a nurse. It was a good career and it has provided many memorable experiences. I would not want to have missed the life that I had in nursing for over fifty years.

The hat with the ear flaps is in honor of my dad Ted who had one similar to this one. I had great parents, but as an only child, I was often lonely. Being an only child taught me to entertain myself, but my most cherished time was when I could do something with my father. He was playful and had a good sense of humor and was my favorite playmate. As I matured, and eventually had my own children, he was always supportive. When my first child Juli was starting to talk, we tried to teach her to say Grandpa, but it came out “Bacca”. So he became Bacca and loved it. My kids all called him Bacca along with their cousins and friends. When making plans with playmates, they would often ask, “Is Bacca going to be there?”

You will notice that there are two motorcycle ornaments above. When we started riding together in 1989, Karen took to the cruiser style of motorcycle (on the left with Betty Boop). Later on she migrated to more sport tourers and eventually owned an FJR 1300, a Pacific Coast and a Kawasaki Versys 650. I migrated from a Yamaha Virago to all out sports racers. My last bike was a Yamaha R1. It had a 998cc, liquid-cooled inline 4 cylinder DOHC engine with four valves per cylinder. It made 198 hp with 83 pound-feet of torque. It would go about 180 top end and zero to sixty in 2.6 seconds. There were few cars on the road or even other bikes that I could not go by like they were standing still. I loved the feeling of power and speed this style of bike gave me. Many people called them “crotch rockets”, a term that I was scornful of. Alas, old age and sanity finally creeped in and both Karen and I reluctantly sold the last two bikes we owned.

This is a White Bear Lake Bear. After Karen and I were married, I moved into the house with her that she had purchased with her first husband. The address was 3671 Sun Terrace, White Bear Lake, MN: 55110. It was a great house and over the years we made several improvements. The neighbors were all nice people and everyone in the neighborhood got along very well. WBL had a wonderfully scenic downtown area and many places to bike and run in. When we sold the house and moved to Wisconsin in 2010, it was to escape the traffic and congestion which as in most large US cities was getting worse and worse. I will always remember WBL very fondly.

Well, that’s all folks. Probably another 100 or so ornaments each with their own story. Will get to the rest next holiday season or maybe the year after, “God Willing and the Creek Does Not Rise.”

Have a Happy Holiday Season,

John and Karen

Que Sera, Sera

18 Apr 2021 8 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: death, dying, family, friends, happiness, health, love, lovers, old, pain, sorrow, trailblazers concert, true concord singers

QueSeraSera-MakingitLovely

I think that I am a coward. I don’t want to grow old. They say that growing old is not for the faint of heart. Every day, I understand that aphorism more and more. In the last thirty days, four friends have passed away. Mickey, Glen, Bill, and Dick. I could write a blog about each of them. They were all just nearing 80 years of age. Not one of them died of Covid. Had you known any of them, you would have been truly fortunate. Perhaps, one of my greatest blessings in life has been to have people like this for friends. People who lived life to the fullest and cared about other people. Men who went out of their way to help not just family but strangers.

Two weeks ago, we found out that Karen’s oldest daughter Julie had five brain tumors. For the past year or so, she had been acting very strange. She had frequent bouts of forgetfulness along with severe headaches and neck pain. Doctors had been treating her for an enzyme imbalance for several months, but she kept getting worse. Her husband thought it might be the onset of early dementia.

Finally, someone decided to do an MRI for her. At first, it looked like one large brain tumor but a neurosurgeon looking more closely at the scan found four other tumors. Julie had been diagnosed with leukemia when she was six years old and for ten years had undergone frequent trips to the hospital for chemo and radiation treatment. They believed that the tumors were related to the radiation treatments.

Julie is now fifty-three years old. She went in for surgery on Tuesday of this past week. She was in surgery for nearly seven hours. They chose to remove the largest tumor but indicated that they would need to go in for another one at a later date. They were not able to remove the entire tumor since it was awfully close to the optic nerve and they were afraid of damaging it and causing blindness. Ironically, they want to use radiation therapy to try and remove the rest of the tumor.

Karen flew out Friday night thinking that she could try and help Julie when she returned from the hospital to her home. Only one person could be in the hospital each day with Julie and her husband was the obvious choice. Karen worried all week as complications arose each day and Julie did not seem any closer to coming home. As I write this, it is now five days past surgery and Julie is still in the hospital. She has been in and out of intensive care since the surgery. Karen and Rob (Julie’s husband) have agreed to alternate days spent with Julie at the hospital. So Karen is in Minnesota now and I am watching the home front here in Arizona.

I am growing old, but I am growing more tired of seeing people I care about either get sick or dying. I went to a concert last night with two friends Evelia and Angie. Karen originally was going to go but being with her daughter was the greater priority. The concert was put on by the True Concord Singers and Orchestra in Tucson. It was held outside on a patio at what appeared to be an old mansion that had become a private men’s club. It was called the Mountain Oyster Club. Since it was members only, they would not let us dine there. I had originally thought that after the concert we could dine at this exclusive club but that was not to be. We ended up going to a resort called the El Conquistador. My two companions are both Latina and I wondered what they thought about dining at a place called El Conquistador.

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The concert was called “The Trailblazers” and consisted of songs arranged by women composers and based on the works of noted women writers and artists. Some of the composers included Judith Weir, Hildegard von Bingen, Emma Lou Diemer, Ysaye Barnwell and Alice Parker. The writers and poets included Emily Dickinson, Maya Angelou, and Edith Franklin Wyatt.

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The fifteen songs performed were arranged along a series of themes. One set of the songs was called “Remembering Those We’ve Lost.” Thinking back to my lost friends while these songs were performed brought tears to my eyes. Reflecting on what it might mean to me if Karen should pass away before I do, I could not bear the thought. Coward that I am, I am hoping to pass from this world without too many more losses of those I love. Here are a few of the lyrics from the songs in the concert. It is of course quite different and much more moving hearing these sung but the lyrics themselves are quite compelling.

From: “My Companion” by Edith Franklin Wyatt (1873-1958)

Let the roadside fade:

Morning on the mountain top,

Hours along the valley,

Days of walking on and on,

Pulse away in silence,

Let the world all fade,

Break and pass away,

Yet, will this remain,

Deep beyond all singing,

Beautiful past singing.

We are here together,

You and I together,

Wonderful past singing.

From: “Wanting Memories” by Ysaye Barnwell (1946- Present)

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You used to rock me in the cradle of your arms,
You said you’d hold me till the pains of life were gone.
You said you’d comfort me in times like these and now I need you,
Now I need you, and you are gone.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you’ve gone and left me, there’s been so little beauty,
But I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.

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I finished a run this morning in the mountains. Saw a large coyote on the trail and thought at first it was a deer. You are not likely to see a deer in the desert, but the coyote was large and brown and from a distance it did look like a small deer. As I ran, I could not help but thinking of the song by Doris Day “Que Sera, Sera.” The lyrics that go “Whatever will be, will be. The futures not ours to see, Que Sera, Sera.”

We scheme, we plan, we strategize, we organize, we bribe, we cajole, we blackmail so that we can control the future. We pray to whatever god or gods we believe in to keep our loved ones safe from harm or pain. I am sure that every one of you reading this would rather suffer death or pain before seeing your family, friends or children suffering. Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

But as written in Ecclesiastes, it is all vanity. Nothing but vanity. I can’t stop a single person I know from dying or suffering pain. The best that I can do is to be there for them during their suffering. This is the role that my spouse has chosen to take with her oldest daughter. It is a role that I would gladly have pass by me since coward that I am, I find it harder to watch my family, friends and others suffer then to deal with my own suffering.

I once loved the poem that admonished us to: “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.” Now I wonder, what could Robert Browning have been thinking? I am waiting for “the best that is yet to be.” I must be missing something. As each day goes by and as yet another friend leaves this earth, I am more and more wondering what I will have left when they are all gone, and I am the only one here.

Nothing I have ever worked for, saved for, bought, owned, or possess will have any meaning without the ability to share it with those I love. I think about walking through the house where I am now sitting without my spouse or friends or family and it is by far a fate worse than death and dying. I won’t rage into the night. I am reflecting upon death as a comforting blanket than I can pull over my head and use to hide from the sorrows of the world. I will not rush it, but as many have realized that have gone before me, at some point, we all know that our time has passed, and that we must leave this world. As for what will come after, I can only say “Que Sera, Sera.”

I think you will enjoy this song: https://youtu.be/xZbKHDPPrrc

Que Sera, Sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

The Seven Greatest Appreciations of Life: Friends and Family

19 Mar 2021 14 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: appreciation, family, friends, friendship, happiness, love

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The famous French philosopher Sartre said that, “Hell is other people.” What I think he meant to say was that “Friends and family could be hell.” A number of years ago the mother of a good friend of ours passed away. The fight between her siblings over who was going to get what was vicious and resulted in a permanent schism between the siblings. I was commiserating one day with her over our very dysfunctional families. I noted, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we had normal families?” My friend replied, “We do have normal families.” I knew exactly what she meant. Years earlier when I was attending support group meetings for men who were violent and abusive, we would always hear newcomers say, “My family is so screwed up. I wish I had:” (Pick one)

A more loving mother
A non-alcoholic father
Parents who did things with us
A father who was not a gambler
A mother who was not a drug addict
A mother or father who was not always gone
A mother or father who was not abusive

The more seasoned men in the group would listen to these plaints for awhile but eventually tolerance would run out. Then you would hear someone say, “If you want a happy family, turn on TV and watch “Leave it to Beaver” or “Father Knows Best.” The rest of us would sagely nod our heads. In our milieu, healthy happy families did not exist.

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ― Leo Tolstoy , Anna Karenina

download Well, you are probably thinking, “You can’t always pick your relatives, but you can always pick your friends.” This is absolutely true, but how many people do you know that have lifelong friends that they can trust and rely on in an emergency? I could start a long list of friends that I have left behind over the years for one reason or another. I have ex-friends who became rabid Trump supporters whom I said goodbye to. I have ex-friends who said goodbye to me, and I never knew why. I just did not hear from them anymore. I have other ex-friends who I could no longer relate to for one reason or another. Friends seem to me to be like annual flowers. They pop up for a while and then they fade away. I have five good friends left. I would have more, but some died early and one committed suicide.

You may be scratching your head now and thinking, “What does this narrative of misery have to do with appreciating our friends and family?” One answer is that I do not like to sugarcoat things. Most of life is composed of the good, the bad and the ugly. I Latino-Family-small-1-850x566 have put the bad and the ugly out first so that you would not simply hear a chorus of how wonderful friends and relatives are. The truth of the matter is that as in most of life, you often have to take the bad with the good.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley

Another point for acknowledging the bad side of things is that it helps us to appreciate the good side. If things were always great we would never appreciate the bad. We love the sunny days more after the rainy days. We enjoy a good movie or a good painting because we know what a bad movie or a bad painting is like. We develop models in our heads for the good and the bad and they are to some extent a mirror image of each other. The Yin and Yang of life is a push and a pull. Happiness, joy, and good health are more appreciated when we have experienced the opposite in our lives. We appreciate good relatives and good friends more when we acknowledge some of the “mistakes” that life has dealt us. We rise above life by dealing with the bad, putting it aside and saying prayers of thanks for the good friends and family in our lives.

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Family:

I do not know how many “Leave it to Beaver” families are out there, but I do have many friends who have had loving fathers and mothers. Their families might not have been perfect, but they learned good values from their parents. The other night we had two friends (Tom and Nancy) over for dinner. We started talking about some of our family. Since we were all over 70, our fathers, mothers and several siblings had all passed away. We shared some of the good things we missed about these relationships. Our conversation prompted me to ask, “What are the three most important things you learned from your parents?” The discussion on what we learned was heart-warming and lasted nearly an hour.

Portrait Of Extended Family Group In Park

The answers to my question elicited several traits that we had all absorbed from our parents. Among the common ones were a value for hard work, education, and honesty. Tom mentioned that he learned, “You should always finish your work before you play.” I could hear the same words echoing from my father. Karen mentioned that she learned the value of frugality from her mom. Nancy added that she learned caring from her parents. This was seconded by both Tom and Karen. I added that I learned to be accepting of other cultures and races. My father was intolerant of racism and prejudice. I grew up fighting for the under-dog as a result of what I learned from my parents.

“I sustain myself with the love of family.” ― Maya Angelou

Good relatives and good families infuse us with good values and good character. You learn what you live with. Live with honesty, hard work, and compassion and you will be a person who cares for others and who is unselfish in their efforts to succeed. Success is more than just one person succeeding, it is an entire world succeeding. I have always loved the line from John Donne’s poem, “And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.” (No Man is an Island, Meditation XVII, Devotions upon Emergent Occasions)

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Friends:

Aristotle was one of the wisest men who ever lived. Perhaps he was not as wise as Socrates, but he left us numerous writings which provide a guide for right living. Aristotle wrote quite a lot about the issue of friendship (See his “Nicomachean Ethics, Books VIII and IX). He commented that it was good to have many friends. However, Aristotle had a typology of friendship based on three characteristics. These characteristics were: pleasure, utility, and virtue.

e232a636b958e0e88ab2b927e3db8531 Friendships based on utility derive some perceived benefits from each other. Perhaps helping each other with building or fixing things. Friendships based on pleasure derive fun or shared activities together. Friends who canoe or ski or golf together. Friendships based on virtue derive mutual benefit from pursuing shared values and goals. Friends who work together for a common good. According to Aristotle, friendships based on pleasure and utility tend to be shorter than friendships based on virtue or goodness because needs and pleasures often change over time. Our values in life are less transient and more permanent. Friends who share your same values will be friends for life.

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” ― Helen Keller

The value of a good friend is immeasurable. Someone who understands you. Someone you can trust. Someone who cares about you and will step up in your hour of need. Someone who will have your back when you are in a crisis. Someone who consoles you when you are in grief or mourning. Someone who cares about your life and wants to share your joys and your pain. I hope that everyone reading this blog has at least one good friend. Count your blessings if you have more than that.

download I have written about friendship several times in my blogs (See my Friends and Friendship: Part 1 and Part 2). I have said that Facebook friends should not be counted as true friends. FB friends are closer to what I call acquaintances. Facebook can introduce you to possible friends but it will never be able to create real friends. True friendship is difficult if not impossible to establish on FB or any other social medium. Friendship is like marriage. You get out of it what you put into it. If you look at the high number of divorces today, it may blind you to the almost equal number of marriages that last for decades. My spouse has some friends since grade school. I have a few friends going back to high school. We both share bonds of time and life experiences with these friends.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

In my experience talking to other married couples, the ones that last are the ones that invest time and effort into their relationship. Good marriages take work. Good marriages are not taken for granted. Good friendships also take work. By work, I mean taking risks to improve your friendship. The risks can be self-disclosure, honesty, confrontation and saying no. Good friends are not born, they are made. And like everything in life, they require effort and maintenance.

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The Beatles had a song and one of the lines was, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Hardly a day goes by that I do not think of this line and its relevance for both family and friends. We are social animals, and we need other people. We need people to love and people who love us. Our friends and family are the wellspring for giving and receiving love. The Covid Pandemic has clearly shown the negative impacts that isolation has on people the world over. The biggest joy that will come out of defeating the Pandemic will be when we can all freely share time with our loved ones again.

Dear Friends and Family, Our Holiday Message and Greeting to You All.

24 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: Christmas message, family, friends, holiday, readers

As we celebrate the birth of Jesus and the start of another New Year, we also look back at the celebrations of 2014. Foremost for us was the joint celebration of our 25^th wedding anniversary and Karen’s 70^th birthday. It’s so hard to believe both of these numbers. Our 25 years of marriage (plus 5 dating years) have been so full of adventure, laughter, and love. But, just in case we don’t make the ages of 93 and 95 for our 50^th, we thought we’d recognize the interim event. Having friends and family travel and stay with us for a few days really was special.

Jeanine (our sister) came from Rhode Island, Peg (Karen’s “best friend” from grade school) came from Chicago and Xibo and Mary, our friends from Shanghai were able to come from San Francisco where they now live most of the time. The party brought a nice combination of new Wisconsin friends and “old” ones from Minnesota. And Karen got a picture of herself, Peg and Kathy (her “best friend” from high school) who all turned 70 this summer. They look terrific and that 70 number is starting to be less scary. We are also celebrating John’s successful recovery from two surgeries this year. The report after his prostate surgery is that he is cancer free. Then, about the time he was feeling “almost” as energetic as usual, he needed hernia surgery. Now he’s back running in the Casa Grande Mountains.

We’ve settled into the snow bird routine well. It’s a bit schizophrenic to leave one set of activities and friends and walk right into a second set, but it definitely keeps life interesting. Karen misses her dulcimer buddies from WI, weekly coffee get-togethers and her Pilgrim church family. John misses his “library guys” fellowship which start most of his mornings and the “green and blue” of WI. But, when it’s time to return, Karen misses her Zumba/Curves group, our First Presbyterian friends and the mountains plus her new tradition of Lefse and Christmas Cookie baking days with Megan. New traditions combine with old as John continues to make an annual Jesuit retreat and Karen finds music and choirs wherever she is. John has been working hard at marketing his consulting business and teaching while in MN. Karen takes her work with her and does ICD-9 coding for Select Data and home health consulting with Alstar Consulting Group. Be sure to check out John’s weekly blog at http://www.agingcapriciously.com. He is very proud of his blog and puts about 4-6 hours per week in researching, writing, editing and publishing the blog with music and pictures to enhance his message.

In-between “commuting” we participated in a mission trip to Puerto Penasco, Mexico in March with a group who support an orphanage in Sonoyta and a thrift store/meals program in Puerto Penasco. The orphanage houses children who are unadoptable as their parents are still living, but often incarcerated. They are beautiful, happy children, but there is little funding available and they need so much. Karen did manage to put down the 2 year old boy who wanted to be held and snuggled for the whole time we were there. As we go to the dentist in Sonoyta, it gives us an opportunity to bring things at other times before our next trip in the spring. In June, we spent a week in Kentucky for music week. Karen played her dulcimer most of her waking hours and John toured the area more fully and checked out a few more Kentucky bourbon brands. During the fall commute to AZ, we spent 2 days in Colorado viewing the cliff dwellings at Casa Verde National Park. In November, we spent a weekend in Tucson with our MN/AZ friends Dar and Denny to watch the Day of the Dead parade.

Grandchildren keep getting older which is so much fun to watch. Juli’s Garrick (22) is a cast member now for the Renaissance Festival and Emily (14) is delightful. Susan’s Zach (18) is in his first year of college in Rochester MN—and playing year around baseball and Sam (15) is busy with sports and school in Northfield. Juli is co-leader of the Hastings Paranormal Society; Susan is still at HealthPartners as a pharmaceutical buyer; Kevin is in San Francisco at LinkedIn as a Systems Engineer and Megan has a new training position with Multiple Listings System.

Wishing you and your families a Blessed Holiday Season and the best for the New Year.

John and Karen

Aging Capriciously

Memory – A Perishable Commodity That is Invaluable

Reflections on Humanism: A Father and Daughter in Conversation

What America May Be Like in the Year 2056

Are You a Little Weird?

My Final Will and Testament – People Enshrined in My Heart – Reflection #13

Were the Good Old Days Really Happy Days?

Our Tree of Memories

Que Sera, Sera

The Seven Greatest Appreciations of Life: Friends and Family

Dear Friends and Family, Our Holiday Message and Greeting to You All.

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