Aging Capriciously

For many years, I had an anger management problem.  I never saw the problem even when  Julie left me the first time.  We reconciled a few months later.  We missed each other.  However, I still had not realized that my anger was affecting our marriage.  I was told by the marriage counselor that we saw that I had an anger problem.  However, since  I never hit or physically hurt Julie or my daughter Chris, I did not accept his assessment.  Not until years later did I realize how much my behaviors scared them and the fear that they lived with on a daily basis.

I would throw things.  I would smash things.  I would punch the walls.  I once bragged that every wall in our house had a hole in it where I punched it.  I did not get any help for my anger problem or even realize that I needed help until 1984 when Julie and I decided to call it quits for good.   

I decided to go back to school to get a Ph.D. degree.  Although I had gone to a few other shrinks over the years, the issue of my anger problem with these other counselors never came up.  I would go to see them for reasons more related to my OCD and depression.  I also had recurring nightmares that someone was trying to kill me.  Since counseling was free for students, I decided to see a counselor who was at the University of Minnesota. 

We met several times.  Then one day, she looked me in the eyes and said, “You have an anger management problem.”   To me that meant I could not control my temper and assaulted people.  I still could not see that anger and my behaviors with my wife and daughter had been abusive.  I denied it.  She insisted.  She said that she wanted me to go to the Domestic Violence Program Center at the Wilder Center in St. Paul for an anger assessment.  We argued over this “waste” of my time, but I finally relented.

She set up an appointment with a counselor there for me to see.  I was expecting a woman and instead a younger man sat across a table from me looking quite smug and self-assured.  I immediately disliked him and his attitude. 

He started asking me more and more personal questions.  I was getting more and more pissed at his questions.  He then asked the question that really set me off.   “Did you ever molest your daughter sexually?”  At that point, I stood up and said, “How would you like me to knock your teeth down your throat?”  To my surprise, he merely laughed and said, “You have an anger management problem.”  Suddenly, like a bolt out of the sky, I knew he was right.

I joined the Domestic Abuse Program, someplace, I never thought I belonged.  Yes, I had many fights, but they were always with other guys who back then I labeled as assholes.

I did the 12-week program and then spent three years coming back to a weekly support group for men who had gone through the program.  We had doctors, lawyers, teachers, plumbers, carpenters, truck drivers and men from many other walks of life.  One guy “a lawyer” had thrown a beer can at his wife and knocked her eye out.  Most of the men initially blamed their wives for causing their anger.  Over time and being caringly confronted by men in the group who had gone before them, they finally saw what I had learned.  It was my fault.  Not my wife’s fault, or anyone else’s fault.  My anger was my responsibility and no one else’s.

The program forced me to look at who I was and what I did and how I was responsible for my actions.  Men in the support groups would not allow any of the new people in the group to try and bullshit their way out of responsibility.  Over time, I became one of those who would challenge others when they tried the “she made me do it” line. 

No one except me was to be blamed because I threw something, smashed the lights on my car, beat  up a guy I thought was messing with my wife or any number of other things I did for one simple reason.  I would not control my anger.

I can see now with the value of hindsight that it must have been hell living with me.  Julie was a very kind and compassionate person.  My daughter Chris always seemed to be afraid of something.  I realize now that what she was afraid of was me.  Julie did the best she could to protect me from the excesses of my own anger.  Without her I know I would have ended up in jail. 

My daughter was sixteen when Julie and I separated.  She did not want anything to do with me for twenty years or more.  I would like to have more of a father daughter relationship.  I miss a relationship with her that I never had.  I also recognize why she would want to keep her distance.

It hurts but the forgiveness that I long for may never come.  It is the price that I pay for the anger and psychological abuse I caused both Chris and Julie.

I started off with “MY” story,  because I am sure you have heard all the statistics and the warnings about domestic violence.  I wanted to make this blog personal because domestic abuse and domestic violence are personal.  In my case, it was a function or outcome of my anger.  In many cases, domestic abuse stems from other sources like entitlement, power, jealousy or machismo. 

I was going to start this blog off with statistics showing the extent of domestic violence in our nation.  The people we say that we love most in the world are among the most abused and mistreated people in the country.   The amount of abuse is staggering. 

General domestic violence statistics

• More than 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men in the United States have experienced physical violence, sexual violence involving contact, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetimes.  
• An estimated 6.7 million women and 2.8 million men experienced those forms of intimate partner violence in the twelve months preceding the survey.  
• Nearly 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 5 men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner, including humiliation, threats, or controlling behavior, during their lifetimes.  
• About 18% of women and 9% of men have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner during their lifetimes, such as being beaten, kicked, or subjected to choking or suffocation attempts.  
• The above data is from “The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2023/2024” — Intimate Partner Violence Data Brief

https://www.cdc.gov/nisvs/media/pdfs/intimatepartnerviolence-brief.pdf

I cannot help but think that given the amount of domestic violence, many of us lack a scale of humane values and attitudes.  Too many of us say we want one thing, but our actions and attitudes get us the opposite.  I am not in a position to lecture anyone on anger management, but I wanted to create a scale of tolerance which I thought we might use in dealing with not only our loved ones but everyone else.  I started this idea ten years ago.  Over time, I realized that tolerance was only a stop on a journey to full love for others.  The love that Jesus said all people should have for others as well as strangers and people not like themselves.  Working with my AI Assistant I created the following scale. 

The vertical dimension indicates an increase in compassion, and merciful attitudes towards others.  Each level includes examples of how that attitude can be expressed.  This scale is meant to help you reflect on your actions.  It is not a validated measurement tool.  My belief is that attitudes without appropriate behaviors are meaningless.  Years ago, I would have said that I loved my wife and daughter.  My behaviors painted a different picture. 

“A Hierarchy of Humane Attitudes”

Love	Affection • Care • Commitment • Generosity
Admiration	Appreciation of character • Abilities • Contributions
Respect	Dignity • Rights • Boundaries • Fair treatment
Tolerance	Acceptance of differences • Peaceful coexistence
Indifference	Ignoring suffering • Neglect • Disengagement
Discrimination	Exclusion • Unequal treatment • Denial of opportunities
Cruelty	Psychological • Physical • Sexual • Combinations
Attitude ↑	Examples of its expression ↔

One essential qualification: respect and safety are obligations; admiration and affection cannot be demanded.  Someone experiencing abuse does not owe their abuser greater love or continued access to their life.

Conclusions: 

Where do you put yourself on this scale?  Can anyone who spends most of their time down in the cruelty and discrimination areas of this scale say they have a good relationship with others?  

The damage that we do to others in words and deeds cannot always be undone.  We can do our best to apologize and to ask for forgiveness, but the hurts we inflict on others may never be erased.  Healing and changed behavior may make a difference for you but forgiveness and reconciliation are never guaranteed.

Speaking for myself, the realization of what I was and how I behaved can never be forgotten.  Many have told me, you have to forgive yourself.  It might be possible, but it has not happened yet. 

If I have said anything in this blog that helps you to see that you may have an anger management problem or if you feel that you are a victim of abuse, I encourage you to call the following number. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233; text START to 88788