Aging Capriciously

Recently, I was thinking of starting a bumper sticker business.  Bumper stickers can do quite well in terms of bringing in revenue.  They are cheap and inexpensive and everyone has something they want to show off to the world.  If you go to any trade show or convention or some special events like Roller Girls, Star Trek conventions, Comic Cons, you will find lots of different bumper stickers at the various booths.  Someone once told me that bumper stickers (selling for 1 or 2 dollars) were a bread and butter item for them.  “Big expensive items hardly sold, but everyone had a dollar or two for a bumper sticker.”

This got me to thinking.  If I had some good ideas for a bumper sticker and if I sold each one for $1.50 with .50 shipping and handling and if everyone in the world bought just one of my bumper stickers, that would be 3 billion people X $1.50 which = $4.5 billion dollars.  If it kept 1/3 of that as net profit, I would earn $1.5 billion dollars.  I would still not be as rich as Donald Trump but if I could sell just one per year to everyone in the world, it would only take me 6 or so years and I would be wealthier than Donald Trump.  At that point, I could then finally claim “I am great!”  If I lived another 25 years, I might eventually surpass Bill Gates and Warren Buffett in net worth.

Of course, a great bumper sticker business must start with great ideas that have universal appeal.  You must cater to the masses.  You must have themes that resonate with the common person.  You can’t have bumper stickers that say confusing things like E=MC2 or Circumference= Two x Pi x r.  You must have ideas that are simple to understand and that everyone can relate to.  For example, one classic one that I have seen on many cars is “My Kid Kicked Your Honor Roll Kids Ass.”  This of course expresses the clear concept that it is better to be a bully than be intelligent.  This seems to be an idea that among Trump supporters, Tea Party advocates and many right wing extremists resonates very well.

One other example of a great bumper sticker has been around for many years.  It is quite popular and goes:  “God, Guns and Guts Made America Great.”   This bumper sticker shows quite clearly that God loves guns and guts and thus favors Americans who have more guns and guts than any other people in the world.  Statistics prove this fact as it is well known that there are enough guns in the USA for everyone to have at least three guns each for every man, woman and child in the US.   Even as I write, gun manufacturers are working to improve this statistic.   Ruger has a goal of selling two million guns this year and will donate a dollar for every gun sold to the NRA to help promote their goal of selling more guns.  In no time at all, we will have 4 guns for every person in the country, thus helping our nation become even greater than it is.

I would say something about guts, but we all know that Americans don’t run or that the colors on our flag don’t bleed.  It is an American truth that “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”  What is lesser well known though is that there are now so many obese or “adipose challenged” (see my bumper sticker below) men in America that we are now having more difficulty getting it up, never mind running or getting going anywhere.  Statistics show the following:

• More than one-third (34.9% or 78.6 million) of U.S. adults are obese. [Read abstract Journal of American Medicine (JAMA)
• Obesity is higher among middle age adults, 40-59 years old (39.5%) than among younger adults, age 20-39 (30.3%) or adults over 60 or above (35.4%) adults.

But what the heck, you can still be fat and send drones and guided missiles to bomb the hell out of other people.  Guts are overrated!  If we can maim and slaughter our enemies, we will still win and that is what counts.  Winning is a common bumper sticker theme and one that I have tried to utilize in the following concepts.  I present these ideas as possibilities for my bumper sticker company.  I am open to other ideas.  Please feel free to share any great ideas you have for bumper stickers.  When my bumper sticker company becomes rich and famous, I will share some of my profits with you so that you can also be “Great” someday.  Thus, without further ado, here are my top ideas for “Great” bumper stickers.

• My grandkids are smarter than your grandkids
• Next to my girlfriend, my wife is the prettiest woman in the world
• Harley Davidson – Made in Japan
• Growing old sucks!
• If you’re so rich, why aren’t’ you smart?
• Free money
• Sex, sex, sex, that’s all you ever think about!
• Why do I have to swallow?
• Trump is a big fat rich ass-hole, but I love him anyway!
• Egotists rule
• Not fat, adipose challenged
• Intellectuals are stupid
• Salads are for sissies
• My mother can beat your mother up
• Where is God hiding?
• Send a missile, don’t send me!
• Immigrants don’t belong here
• Kill a terrorist for Christ
• Who is John Persico?

I am working on other ideas but I thought this would be a good start.   One caveat that must be admitted is that bumper stickers can offend some people; but as they say “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”  Furthermore, the people that buy bumper stickers usually have an innate desire to express themselves in ways that they can’t manage as well verbally.  A truly challenging bumper sticker lets people say things that they could not express as succinctly or eruditely if left to their own linguistic devices.  For instance, the NRA says that “When guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns.”  Can you imagine the average person making such an eloquent defense of guns and assault rifles with such a short but biting comment?  With one very unique phrase, millions of people have come to believe that they must buy a gun or be at the mercy of the millions of outlaws just lurking out there to rape and pillage their farms and homesteads, steal their cattle and ride off into the sunset with their women.

A great bumper sticker is an algorithm for self-expression.  Those commie pinko intellectuals who can confuse you with their big words and high sounding concepts don’t stand a chance against a good bumper sticker.  Bumper stickers let the average or even below average person duke it out on a level playing field with a Harvard college professor.  One of my favorite bumper stickers says:  “Just cause you’re so smart and went to school don’t mean you know anything.”  Wow, is that profound or what!  Take that you college Ph.D.’s that think you are so smart.  “My son will kick your graduate son’s ass.”

Time for Questions:

Do you have any favorite bumper stickers?  What do you think makes a good bumper sticker?  Do you ever put bumper stickers on your car?  Why or why not?

Life is just beginning.

“The world’s bumper sticker reads: Life sucks, and then you die. Perhaps Christian bumper stickers should read: Life sucks, but then you find hope and you can’t wait to die.”   ― Ted Dekker