The 58th Running of the Greatest Race in America

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Ladies and Gentlemen, we are glad to see you here today for the 58th running of the Democratic Presidential Primaries presented by corporate donors and major international lobbyists.  We have a formidable field gathered this year for what portends to be one of the greatest showdowns of all time.  The winner of this race will go on to face the unbeaten stallion “Liar in Chief” in a match race of two miles on November 3, 2020.

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We are showing the largest assembly of competitors in the history of this race.  We have almost two dozen contenders for this high-stakes contest.  The stakes are high since only one horse will go on to face “The Liar in Chief.”  The odds-on favorites for this elimination race are currently Crazy Bernie, Pocahontas and Sleepy Joe but dark horses abound in this field of twenty-five hot-blooded contestants.  There are several bad actors who just might throw the leaders off their pace.  Each of these runners has a history of agility, speed and spirit.  There are only one or two maidens in the field.  At this time, no contestant can conclusively be ruled out, but you can look at the following chart to see the odds given by the bookmakers.  Racing forms are also available for those of you who want more history on each horse.

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Today’s race is a 1 ¾ mile flat oval.  The track today is dry and fast with an even surface.  This track tends to favor horses with more stamina and endurance.  It is a beautiful day here with an expected high of 80 degrees and sunny skies.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise as the famous Darth Vader Group sings our national anthem.

The “Call to Post” and “Riders Up” have been sounded and the horses are now beginning to head to the starting gates.  In addition, to the large field you will notice as they parade by the stands that we have more diversity of saddle cloth colors here than we have ever seen before.  We have browns, blacks, pinks, blue, green, khaki, rainbow, yellow and lots of whites but still reds.  Speculation exists that Pocahontas is part red but others dispute this claim.

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Crazy Bernie is loading in post position 12.  Pocahontas is in post position 4 and Sleepy Joe has loaded with the inside track in post position 1.  Sleepy Joe is considered a Frontrunner so post position 1 will play to his strengths.  Crazy Bernie is considered a Closer who likes to let the other horses get out in front and then sneak up when the time is right, so position 12 will play to his strengths.  Pocahontas and the other mares in the race are mostly filling the inside positions as many still see their strengths as pushing the stronger stallions.

“Race Fans:  The 58th Democratic Primary.  They are in the gate and they are off.”

A great start.  Very Nasty, Pocahontas and Snowwoman all flashing early speed coming out of the inside.  Pocahontas in the lead and clearly setting the pace as they make this long and dramatic run to the Clubhouse Turn.

At the first turn, its Pocahontas, Very Nasty and Snowwoman followed by Allred E. Neumann, A Flake and A Horrible Mayor.  Twelve lengths off the lead and coming on the inside is Sleepy Joe and off the pace is Crazy Bernie trailing the pack.

Racing for the far turn is Pocahontas, Snowwoman and Very Nasty.  Very Nasty now dropping back.  Very Nasty now trails by six lengths.  As they round the turn, sixteen candidates are effectively out of this race.  It’s clear that they underestimated the strength and stamina that this race would take.

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Coming up strong on the backstretch is Sleepy Joe.  Sleepy Joe has passed Very Nasty.  Sleepy Joe is trailing Pocahontas by three lengths.  Snowwoman has gone to the outside but is losing her speed.  With 1/8 mile to go, it is Pocahontas, Sleepy Joe and Very Nasty.

Now with a strong move coming up on the inside is Crazy Bernie.  Crazy Bernie is making a bold run up the rail.  Crazy Bernie has passed Very Nasty and is now following Pocahontas and Sleepy Joe.  Very Nasty is falling back.  Snowwoman and Very Nasty trail by fourteen lengths.

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As we near the finish line, Sleepy Joe is losing the pace.  Looks like it’s going to be a race between Crazy Bernie and Pocahontas.  Crazy Bernie and Pocahontas are running neck and neck.  With only fifty yards to go, it is Pocahontas and Crazy Bernie.  Ladies and Gentlemen, it is going to be a photo finish.  But wait!  Pocahontas appears to be pulling up.  She is pulling up!  She has let Crazy Bernie take the lead.

It’s Crazy Bernie in first, Pocahontas in second followed by Sleepy Joe at the finish line in this 58th Presidential Primary.

Wow, what a race.  There are going to be a lot of questions at the Pocahontas Stables after this race.  Why did she pull up?  Did Pocahontas come out too soon?  Can a mare really handle the heat?

Stay Tuned for the match race between two old stallions for the President of America Sweepstakes.  Winner takes all in thirteen more months.

Writers Note:  

My skepticism and humor may be lost to some people.  The “nicknames” for the horses are names that our esteemed leader has bestowed on some of the Democratic candidates.  Since race horses generally have interesting names, I chose to use his “nicknames” rather than the actual names of the candidates.  If you are offended by my brand of humor, well just delete me from your blog list and accept my humble apologies.  Brands of humor can be like fish.  Not every fish is everyone’s delight. 

The main point of this blog is (in my mind anyway), the way this whole primary thing seems like a race rather than a process to select the best candidate.  It is orchestrated for TV to sell ads more than to inform the American public.  If you think these debates are informative, than I am happy for you.  I think the entire process is a waste of money and an ineffective way to select someone to run for the Presidency of the United States of America. 

 

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