Have you ever had one of those days or maybe even weeks, when something seems wrong, but you don’t know what it is? You don’t feel sick. Your bills are all paid. No one you love or care about is on their death bed. Nevertheless, you have a sense of discomfort that you cannot find a reason for.
Could it be a sense of impending doom? Like maybe things are going too smooth and something is bound to fuck up? Or is it something like Scrooge surmised it to be, “ You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”
Karen is good at reading my moods even before I sometimes realize what they are. Yesterday, she asked if something was wrong. This puzzled me because I was not thinking of anything in particular that I thought was wrong. I asked her why she asked me this and she replied that “You just don’t seem to be yourself.”
I immediately recognized that she was right. I was not feeling like myself. Now I am not going to say that I am a jolly upbeat life of the party type, but I also don’t think that I am all doom and gloom. However, when she mentioned it, I realized that I was feeling rather depressed. What and why were the questions that went through my mind.
Another death from my high school class of 64? Another victory for trump with the Supreme Court? Another bizarre murder case in the news? Another mass shooting spree? More news that we are going to have another war or continue a present war? A sense that I will be eighty in a few weeks and never dreamed that I would live past thirty? A sense of futility with my efforts to make a difference in the world? Was I just feeling sorry for myself?
On some level I wanted to go hide. Like my tortoise Mikey, if I could find a quiet dark comfortable place where I could metaphorically pull my head in my shell and shut the world out.
I do not pine for heaven, as it sounds too busy there. Neither do I want hell even if it has all the wild women and gambling. I was never much into either. For me, I would take a place where I could shut out all sights and sounds and noise and advertisements and political BS.
My time is running out, and days are like roller coasters. Some days are up and some days are down. But once in a while, just I say “once in a while” too many things seem to be going down. I would like to find a way to stay on the high road, but I realize that is not part of life.
Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, smooth roads and roads with lots of potholes. But couldn’t I have just a few days that really were “perfect.” Everyone else seems to say that it is “Perfect”, but I have never felt that I was perfect or that anything else was perfect.
Chicken Little thought the sky was falling. Joe Btfsplk the character in the Li’l Abner comic strip had a small, dark rain cloud over his head. He was known as the world’s worst jinx, bringing bad luck to everyone near him. Willy Loman (Death of a Salesman) could never seem to do anything right. Literature is full of men and women whose luck or fortune was certainly worse than average, perhaps more than worse, we could say tragic. Most Verdi operas are full of tragedies wrought on seemingly good people. A very popular book a few years back was “Why do bad things happen to good people?”
Sometimes I worry when things are going too well.
Our bills are all paid. I feel strong and healthy. Karen and I are getting along great. We are planning some good trips. All is bright and cheerful and therein lies the problem.
Is tragedy just around the corner? The letter or phone call that will bring a sad message. The evening news with another attack on my ideals. A sense that the human race has gone off its rails with a lack of morals and ethics.
Someone once questioned whether you can be too happy. Maybe not, but how many of us have a sense of foreboding when things are going too well. We know the good times cannot last.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics tells us that entropy tends to increase in a closed system. I think there is a rough metaphor for life in this idea. Keeping order in our world requires energy. When we are young we have more energy, but as we get older our energy wanes. Inevitably, the disorder and entropy have an easier time creeping into our lives.
The relationship is simple: energy in, energy out. The more energy we put into maintaining a system the more order we have. Growing older brings more than just a decay in our bodies, it can also bring disorder to our outside lives. Our solution is often very simple. We cut back on many things that we once did. We take steps to simplify our lives. We hire help to do things that we are no longer able or willing to do ourselves.
In many climates they have a condition called SAD. SAD stands for seasonal affect disorder. You get feeling gloomy after too many cold days or too many days without sunshine or too many days of rain.
Here in Arizona, we do not have any of those conditions. We get too many hot days, but I have never heard anyone claim that hot days can be related to a SAD disorder. I believe it can though.
When temperatures are in the triple digits, the only thing you want to do is stay cool and the best way to do that is to stay inside. You park the car and you don’t go out. You don’t go jogging. You don’t go bicycling. You don’t go to the park. You don’t drive to the shopping center. You simply stay home where it is cool.
After a while, you may develop what they call in the Northwoods “Cabin Fever.” It comes on slowly, but the symptoms are the same.
- Irritability or a short temper
- Boredom and lack of focus
- Sadness or hopelessness
- Feeling trapped
Well, I am going to let this blog post rest at that.
No concrete answers. Just like what the doctors said about Karen’s condition. They called it “idiopathic.” I had to look it up. It means they do not know what it is. An idiopathic label does not mean the illness is fake. It means the physical problem is real, but the exact trigger remains a mystery.
Perhaps my doom and gloom sadness is an “idiopathic condition of inherent doom.”
If you are suffering from the same symptoms and have found a cure please let me know.
Sep 03, 2026 @ 04:42:10
Maybe because I’m sensitive and I experience emotions as enormous and inescapable, I have developed the habit of turning towards my emotions and embracing them. That seems to work for me. I had a daily journaling practice for many years for self-connection where I wrote: what feels joyful, what feels hurtful, what feels hopeful.
I can’t know what turning 80 feels like but I appreciate how you write so well and express yourself. This seems like a really valuable reflection. Experiencing loss and seeing harmful development is a lot to process.
About summer and SAD- I have a friend here in Texas who has connected SAD to summer instead of winter. That connection makes sense for Arizona. The past few weeks in Texas have been unusually hot and it’s getting to me too.
Not a “cure,” but leaning into my emotion seems helpful. There’s something powerfully comforting in me. My emotions are powerful and so is something that comforts them.
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Sep 03, 2026 @ 06:25:03
Thanks Deermoonflower. I need to embrace your ideas more. I think I have shyed away sometimes from wanting to feel or deal with emotions. They often seem too painful or complicated. Most of my life has been dealing with ideas. I find people too confusing and as I said emotions are often too painful. However, your words remind me of so many counseling sessions I had years ago when the answer was to go into emotions instead of out of them. Thanks for the reminders.
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Sep 03, 2026 @ 06:38:54
Grounding techniques can be helpful when emotions are overwhelming.
I focus on ideas a lot too but I can’t process emotions completely analytically. I have to feel them.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think it’s meaningful.
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Sep 03, 2026 @ 08:15:13
We may have discovered that people living in Texas and Arizona can also suffer from Sad. 🙂
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Sep 03, 2026 @ 11:51:01
Another thoughtful and interesting post John. I identify with some of it. For me it’s about so much global sadness, depravity, inhumanity, cruelty and selfishness that’s in our faces on a daily basis, even though in our little bubble we may be doing ok. You know, life’s ok, for our ages (77 and 80) we’re doing ok too but, like you say, the energy is lacking nowadays. Even so, seeing and hearing the never ending global ( and sometimes local! ) atrocities is seriously depressing! I don’t live in denial and I can’t pretend things are ok when they’re not and the toxic positivity that people throw around seriously annoys me. So, it’s difficult. Especially when we are interested in ( and even active ) in politics. I don’t know the answer John but I can’t “turn the tv off” as often advised. The least I can do is to ensure I know what is happening in the world to those experiencing the uttermost dreadful lives. How can we ignore that?! But, it is depressing!!
I’m pleased that you and Karen seem well and recovered from your recent illnesses. That’s the main thing. We have to keep going. Onwards and upwards. 👌
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Sep 03, 2026 @ 13:21:42
What beautiful thoughts you have shared here Margiran. You should have written my blog for me, I like what you wrote better than what I wrote. I will be 80 in one week and Karen is 82. It is hard not to read the news. I still do. I can’t or won’t block the world out as much as I often feel like it. I did miss my retreat this year because of illness but today I signed up for a four day silent retreat next May 20th. I need them for my soul and maybe heart as well. I think we both will go down fighting come what may. It is the only way to live. John
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Sep 04, 2026 @ 03:04:26
Thank you John. I seriously wish I could write half as well as you! There’s so much more I could say in response to this post. I’m not a fan of winter, due mainly to the very short days and dark evenings that start here in the UK with turning back the clocks at the end of October – such a dark, depressing time. I think I suffer from SAD too. So I was interested to read comments about ‘summer SAD’ as this year we have experienced a very hot summer which (for us) was restrictive for all the reasons stated. In some ways it was beneficial in that it made us relax physically but I can understand that in Arizona and other places that SAD could easily apply.
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Sep 03, 2026 @ 12:32:32
My wife does the same to me; she can sense when I’m off or a bit different. Sometimes it is nothing; I just stare blankly at the view, and sometimes there is a thought I can’t shake, but she senses it. Also, there are days when things just feel a bit off; I have them every now and then. I also think, “Hey, at 63, 2/3 of my life is over.” It is strange to think like that. Then I get busy with something, and it vanishes; however, it does pop up more and more now.
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Sep 03, 2026 @ 13:27:10
Kevin, those are some very interesting thoughts. I share the same and often tell my wife “If I am here next year.” She is the perennial optimist and me just the opposite. Seeing Dolly Parton this week pass at 80 was very sobering. All the money she had but it could not keep her alive one more day. I admired her very much and put a memorial on my FB site for her and a poem. I think there are probably many people like us who just phase out for a while and wonder whats next. I once asked a group of people, whether they would like to know when they will die or whether they would not like to know. The group was split. Their answers why or why not were very interesting. It left me undecided. I am still not sure which answer I would choose. Take care my friend, I hope you are blessed with another thirty years or so. John
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Sep 04, 2026 @ 05:51:00
I’m split on that too. If the answer is 25 years great glad I asked. If the answer is Tuesday that only gives me three day! not so glad I asked. I sometimes drift into the dark side and say maybe dementia would be great since I would not know it is happening. I remember my gradmother the last time I saw her, big smile but no clue what was happening or if it was me.
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Sep 05, 2026 @ 17:07:50
John, I am surprised that a young fellow like you gets depressed!!
To wake up every morning is a challenge, you never know what’s coming, but the waking up is the bonus.
Years ago I was a dreamer, I believed and hoped things could be changed, as the years pasts, the realisation that the greater the numbers the greater the problem, changed me.
I have become a fatalist and accept that what will be, will be.
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Sep 05, 2026 @ 18:09:39
No Jon, I have my ups and downs. I tie it all to unrealistic expectations which I seem unable to shed. It makes it somewhat easier to laugh at myself and not take life too seriously.
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