Aging Capriciously

This past year marks my 41^st Jesuit Silent Retreat.  I may be the only Atheist at the retreat.  Each year brings new insights and thoughts.  I wonder if I have grown any during my retreats.  I can’t say that I feel any closer to God, yours or theirs.  I wonder if there is a God but I doubt it.  I wonder if there are multiple Gods.  A God for each religion.  Is the Muslim God and the Catholic God and the Jewish God the same entity?  Were the Romans, Greeks, Hindus and many others more on the mark with different Gods for different functions?

This year reading as I usually do many of the assigned Gospel readings and many other Gospel passages I was struck with how many of the old prophets emphasized the need to believe in God’s goodness.  Only God can save us and we must have faith in God’s goodness.  God has a plan for all of us if we will only listen to him or perhaps her.  God knows what we need but we ignore his/her messages.  Pray to God.  Love God, for God loves us.  He loves us so much that he sent his only “begotten” son (Not sure what a begotten son is) to save us.

Exodus 33:18-19 (NKJV)

“And he said, ‘Please, show me Your glory.’ Then He said, ‘I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the Lord before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.’”

Frankly, I still don’t get it.  Many people have taken a shot at saving my soul, but I still don’t see any value in God.  During the past five years, he/she has allowed Global Warming to destroy much of the climate that I once loved.  He sent a scourge called Covid 19 to help ruin the last few years of my life.  And to top it off, he allowed a low life called Trump to run for President again.  I guess I am lost to the damnations of hell fire, but I still don’t see a God that is going to save me.  If so, he/she is about 78 years past my patience.

C. S. Lewis was the great “converter.” The conversion of an Atheist to a Theist is an aphrodisiac for the devoted religious. I suppose it justifies their belief in a future fiction that requires a complete abandonment of reason and logic.  A place called Heaven where we can all live happily ever after.  Just as long as we are willing to listen to daily sermons about how good God is for us.

“[God] will not be used as a convenience. Men or nations who think they can revive the Faith in order to make a good society might just as well think they can use the stairs of heaven as a shortcut to the nearest chemist’s shop.” — C.S. Lewis

But “Only God Can Save You” has a ring of truth to it.  No one on earth can save you from death.  No one can be trusted to be by your side forever regardless of the consequences.  Friends and lovers come and go like shadows in the night.  One day someone loves you, the next day they hate you.  One day someone is your friend, the next day they unfriend you on Facebook.  Tragedy of tragedies.  Loneliness is a Satan stalking all of us all of our lives.  I would wager more people have committed suicide out of loneliness than any other reason on earth.

Psalm 107:8-9 (NKJV)

“Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with goodness.”

Only the concept or idea of an All Knowing, All Seeing, All Powerful and All Compassionate God can guarantee us that we will never be alone.  Never be forgotten.  Never be forsook.  One popular song goes:

Walk on, walk on

With hope in your heart

And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

This song was first written by Oscar Hammerstein II and composed by Richard Rodgers for their musical Carousel, which was released in the USA in 1945.  It has since become one of the most popular funeral songs (Next to Amazing Grace) of all time.  Many people interpret it to have faith.  Faith in friends.  Faith in lovers.  Faith in a God who will always be with you in time of trials and tribulations.  It is a song to give hope to people in time of grief and suffering.

But where does one find such a God?  The Bible shows us at best an arbitrary God.  Sometimes belligerent.  Sometimes vindictive.  Sometimes vengeful.  Sometime cruel.  A God that many of us see in the world wreaking havoc on humanity for any number of transgressions.  From Sodom and Gomorrah to massive floods to sending his “Chosen people” into slavery.  A God who threw Adam and Ever out of the Garden of Paradise because they dared eat an apple.  A God who destroyed cities because they did not live up to his/her expectations.  A God who sent a flood to wipe out humanity.  This is a compassionate loving God?

Psalm 31:19 (NIV-84)

“How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.”

Or is it a God who feeds his people.  A God who watches out for his Chosen ones.  A God who rewards those who obey him/her.  A God who destroys the enemies of those who worship him.  A God who is loving, kind and compassionate.  I wonder what God really is.  Here are some questions that still nag at my Atheist beliefs.

1. Do I think that I am smarter than all the wise and great people who believe in God?
2. Who or what created us?
3. What if there is a God? What does he/she think of me?
4. What if there is no God?
5. Is God simply a metaphor for “Unconditional Love?”
6. Is God Death or Life or Both?

The Atheist by Martin Braun

Science defines my virtue.

Factual and fictional books are my domain.

Don’t speak to me of pixies, fairies, and unicorns,

Or of your monopoly on morality, love, faith, and shame.

I am what I am

And of what I do I claim my own.

I fight for my survival

Of which need not be told, judged or shown.

There is no all knowing

Or an immortal god of my fate he will judge.

For when my heart ceases to beat

It will return from whence it came, a kind of primordial sludge.