Aging Capriciously

Anticipatory time is that time when we are waiting for something to happen. It is when we know in advance that something will happen. Whether it is good or bad, when we are anticipating something, it can seem like forever. Time can move very slowly when we are in an anticipatory mood. Those of us who like to plan may try to control these events. I plan my vacations two to three years ahead. I love the anticipation. For instance, Karen (my spouse) and I had decided to go to Peru in two years. It was fun for me to think what it would be like to climb Machu Picchu and to take the train in Peru. I am anticipating that we will take a small boat ride up the Amazon River. In my mind, everything works fine. I anticipate no problems. I planned my first overseas trip twenty five years ago. Since the first, Karen and I have gone on 17 trips to 29 different countries. Each trip was planned more than two years in advance. We post pictures of where we want to go, buy books, get maps, contact people, get local newspapers and get more and more excited as the day draws near. In many ways, our anticipatory time goes very fast. There are so many details and so much to work out to make sure that everything goes as we anticipate.

However, regardless of how much we try to control the time in our lives, there are inevitably events we cannot control. On Monday morning, your boss says “I want to see you in my office on Friday.” Your annual performance evaluation, an important presentation or an upcoming court date are just a few of the many different events that will create “anticipatory time” in our lives. Some of these events will not be ones that we would choose. These will create “negative” anticipatory time. I call this the time we have to wait that is not fun and that creates stress in our lives. Positive anticipatory time may also go slow but it is time that is fun to think about and where we are anxious for the time to move fast. In both cases, we want the time to go by but in one case, it is with positive anticipation and the other with negative anticipation.

What do you like to anticipate in your life? Are you in control over your anticipations or do you just go with the flow? Would more planning help you to have more fun with anticipation? What can you do to minimize the “negative” anticipation in your life? Are you leading the type of balanced life that helps to minimize stress and problems? If not, how can you get more balance in your life? A balanced life will have less negative and more positive anticipatory time.

This is the best time in the world. There is no better time than now. Perhaps today it might sound foolish to say this. Perhaps tomorrow it might sound foolish. To some it will always sound foolish. There are those who might say it is looking at the world with rose colored glasses. Others might attribute it to a foolish optimism. Very few would see it as a statement of realism. It will never be possible to prove it as a statement of fact. Yet, it determines to a large extent what we do with our lives and what we attempt to do in the world.

When you believe that the world feels wonderful, it changes your whole perspective on life. On the days when I can grasp this thought, there is no other place I want to be. Things are going just right, all is well. I feel healthy, happy and contented. I am not unhappy with the right wing or left wing or chaos anywhere in the world. I can just accept the world for what it is. It is a wonderful feeling. I sometimes wish the feeling could last forever. I think of the quote from Dickens that: “this is the best of all possible worlds.” Where else could I go?

If we look around us, we can see a beautiful place full of beautiful people and extraordinary places and opportunities. Of course, we can see the opposite if we are minded to. There will always be war, hatred, killing and violence. It is part of human nature. But are you part of the problem or part of the solution? If you are not doing your share to end the problems of the world, why complain about them? Take some time to end violence, to end poverty and to end war. But for today, try to find only the good out there.

See if you can find three things that make you happy or three good things that you like about the world. Try to be aware today of the good things in your life. Write them down and look at them again when you wake up tomorrow. See if you can feel why this is the best of all possible times and the best of all possible worlds. Tomorrow can be even better. Can you make the choice?

Time Capsules!  I want to open a time capsule.  When I was a small boy, I was truly fascinated by the whole idea of a time capsule.  It seemed so Buck Rogers like.  You take parts of present civilization, put them in a non-destructible container, bury it in the ground and then 1000 years later, you open it up. The commonplace of the past are not the treasures of the future.  I did not believe anything could be more interesting.

I hoped someday that I could be present at the opening of one.  I thought surely sometime during my lifetime, a time capsule from the past would be opened and I could be present when it was opened.  How exciting it would be!  I would be able to see what people of generations long ago thought was important.  The messages and memories sent by the people from generations past to the generations of the future.  Only now I could be there to be part of history. I longed to find out what wisdom the people from the past would have to share with us now.  What knowledge had been forgotten and would now be revived. What treasures would be revealed from the capsule.

Well, I see they are still burying time capsules and occasionally I see that a time capsule has been opened.  Sadly, I still have not been present when any were opened.  Either my timing or my location has not been right.  Perhaps it is time that I made my own time capsule.  Have you ever thought about making a time capsule for your children or grandchildren?  Why not?  You could just take a large Tupperware container for the capsule.  Make sure anything that you put in it is well wrapped in baggies or some type of plastic to prevent moisture from getting in.  Date it with a permanent ink marker.  Find a place to bury it and put some sort of marker on the spot.  Find a place on the internet where time capsules are listed and post yours.

Questions to Reflect On:

Now comes the fun part.  What would you put in it?  What treasures, thoughts or ideas would you like your grandchildren to know about you many years from now?  Where would you “bury” it for them to open?  When would you permit them to open it?  Think of the reactions on their faces when they found the messages and treasures you left for them.  No doubt you would make some little boy or girl very happy.  I know I would be if I opened your time capsule.

PS:  Since I wrote this there has been a proliferation of “on-line time capsule sites.”  You might find this one helpful.

Neptune Time Capsules

Crying Time is more acceptable for women than men.  Nevertheless, even men have their crying times.  Crying time most likely occurs over a tragic death, when we lose a relationship, attend a funeral or feel badly about something we did.  Paradoxically, many people cry when they are happy, for instance at weddings.  Others cry when they are angry.

For men, there is less crying time than for women.  I have often wondered what the purpose of crying is or how the function developed.  What evolutionary or biological purpose does crying serve?  There are those that say that only music truly sets us apart from lower creatures, but do animals cry?  I have seen sadness in some of my pets, but I cannot say I have ever seen an animal crying.  For myself, I cannot say that I cry very much.  This is not to say that I never cry.  I have cried tears of sadness and tears of pain but I cannot remember ever crying tears of joy or tears of anger.  There are certain stories that will always bring tears to my eyes.  “The Little Match-girl” is one of them.  I have never seen a production of the story or read the story without crying.

When my first wife and I separated, it seems like I spent one entire week crying.  Crying seemed purposeless at the time.  However, after the release of disappointment and emotional uplifting, I was leading my life again solo without looking back and trying to resurrect the relationship.  The crying allowed me to let go of things and to move forward with my future.  So maybe crying would be a better release for many people than the displays of anger and abuse we often witness in our society.  I can’t say that thoughts of anger and retribution at finding my wife in bed with another man did not cross my mind.  They certainly did but I did not act on them.  I did not take an AR 15 and go out shooting as many people as I could find.  Maybe we need to encourage more crying in men and less shooting?

Questions for Reflection: 

What would it take to make crying more acceptable for men as well as for women?  Would it decrease abuse and rage in our society if we encouraged men to spend more crying time?  What about teenagers and the problems with school violence and suicide?  Could more crying time be an antidote to these problems?  What role does crying play in your life?  Do you find crying to be helpful?  Do you cry enough?

Run time!  No, this is not the run time for my computer.  This is my personal running time.  I have been running regularly for 45 years.  On the average, I run about 4 times a week and about 3 to 4 miles each run.  I am still waiting for the runners “high” where I can feel nothing but blissful peace.  I really enjoy running but through the years, there have been numerous pains and hurts to overcome.  It seems to get harder running in the winter.  I suppose running is a great deal like life, it has its ups and downs and it only gets better when we keep working at it. There are no magical highs (except for temporary ones on drugs) but in general, the pleasure I get from running outweighs the pain.  I no longer try to increase my running speed or my distances.  I will not be an Olympic marathoner nor am I training for my 101st marathon.  I like to say I am a “maintenance” runner.  That is my schedule is set up to maintain my present level of fitness.  For my age, I am in reasonably good health. I am five foot eight inches tall and I weigh about 148 lbs.  I feel good and I pray it will remain the same for the next ten years.

What does running have to do with time?  I find that by doing “maintenance” running, I notice my running times go in cycles with the seasons.  I run more in the late summer and fall and less in the winter and spring.  At first I was worried about these dips in my “maintenance” schedule. Then, I read that it is natural to go with a cycle and that it lets my body recover.  Just like winter allows the earth to recover before it starts to bud out in spring and emerge more glorious in summer.  As each year progresses, I find that I am running farther and farther and enjoying it more and more.  As winter sets in again, I slow down and with the shorter days, my runs become shorter and shorter.  Spring is when I start feeling like increasing my runs and distance, though I feel sluggish after the long winter in Wisconsin.  My body and running seem to respond to the same cycles as the earth.

Questions to Reflect On:

Have you ever found a cycle to your life?  What activities or efforts in your life seem cyclical?  Do you fight your cycles or do you allow yourself to “go with the flow.”  How have cycles made a difference in your life?  Would better managing your natural cycles improve your life?

Polls show Americans like instant gratification.  A recent AP Poll showed that Americans are an impatient bunch. We get antsy after a few minutes on hold; we hate to wait in grocery stores or in airports.  Older people are more impatient than younger people. People in the country are just a little more patient than city people but not by much.  This poll was based on 1003 adults.  Most people answered they felt more time poor than money poor.  Benjamin Franklin said that time was money and many of us take this truth to heart.

The findings from this AP Poll will probably not surprise anyone but it is significant in that today we are beginning to value time more than money.  Economic theory or the Law of supply and Demand says that the scarcer something is the more valuable it will be.  If we now have less time than money, then time will become proportionally more valuable to us.  People who can afford Hummers and other such luxuries may have a surplus of money but there are only 24 hours in a day.  No matter who you are or how much money you have, the time you have is fixed.  You cannot buy another minute in a day or another second in your life. You may work overtime to acquire more toys or to display a luxury lifestyle image but rich or poor you share the same amount of time each day as everyone else.  Time will become more and more precious as you age while the things in your life will soon lose their luster.  Bling only blings so long and then goes out of style.

Questions to Reflect On: 

What if we wanted less?  What if we spent less time shopping and buying and acquiring things?  Would you be happier with less things and more time?  How does buying and spending keep you from enjoying your time and relaxing more?  How does owning so many toys affect your life?  What if you adopted the virtue of frugality?  Would you trade your things for more time to spend with those you love?  Would your life be happier if it were simpler?  How much would you pay for one more year, month, week or day of life?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (Paul, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7).

This quote has probably been read at more weddings than any other quote in history. When you hear this quote, do you think about the connection between patience, love and time? Probably not! You might even be wondering what time has to do with love and patience. Well, patience is the ability to wait and let time go without being unduly stressed. It is the ability to tolerate delays in time and delays in our scheduled activities. Patience is tolerance of others whose time frames and time manners may not be the same as ours. Most of us have a different view of what it means to be late or on time. Different cultures and different upbringings bestow quite a bit of variation on the concept of timeliness. If you are obsessed with you definition of what it means to be “on-time”, no doubt you will be stressed a great deal. You may also earn the dislike of those who feel you are too rigid and absorbed with your own priorities.

Are you patient in traffic with those who are too slow and wait too long at a red light? Are you patient with people in lines at the airport, grocery store or gas station? Are you patient with the elderly, the frail, and the disabled? Why should we be patient? Why should we love others? Do you only give love to those you care about? Ask your loved ones if you are patient. Patience is a kind of gift we can give to everyone. Patience is a gift of manners and caring for those who are slower, weaker or perhaps just different than we are. Why give patience? Indeed, why give love to others at all? The more love you have for others, the more will be returned to you. Patience is a practice that we can get better at, but we must periodically stop our clocks or we cannot learn to be patient. Turn off the clock a few times a day. Forget about the time. Take a break to breath and do nothing. The gift of time you give to yourself will be a gift that you can give others. How does it feel?

Children Time! The experts all say that the best thing to spend on your children is your time. Nevertheless, toys have become a substitute for time spent with children today. How much money is spent on children’s toys each year? How many parents do you see who try to buy their kid’s affections with toys? Children are inundated with toys, video games, TV, and countless other throw-away items. We bury our kids with an avalanche of toys and mindless distractions. The toys and the interest in the toys do not seem to last as long as the batteries. Once upon a time, children if they were good got a special toy at Christmas or on their birthday. Today, every day is toy day for kids. I have seen friends who have children with so many toys you can barely walk through their houses. Many motorcycle clubs have a ride each year called “Toys for Tots” to buy toys for any children who do not some. However, the real problem is too many toys for children. Too many toys and not enough time with our children!

Have you noticed that kids seem more angry (witness the increasing school violence) today. They are certainly getting fatter (due in some small part to all the toys they have that prevent them from getting real exercise). I see young kids riding down the street on motorized skate boards and motorized scooters instead of pedaling or pushing a regular skate board. They are inevitably overweight or obese. Computer sports games and other on-line competitive games have replaced real sports for many kids. Of course, there are those kids whose parents are grooming them for the NFL or NBA or NHL and these poor kids get to go to so many sports events they lose track. Followed by the inevitable coach parent, they will probably learn to hate sports as something that is a duty rather than something you can do for fun. I wonder how many of these sport-aholic parents and children will appreciate exercise for exercise sake or will really enjoy the parent child time spent together?

Regardless of how much we give our children or how many sporting events we make our children attend, the thing they will remember the most and that will have the most impact on their lives will be the quality of the time we spend with them. Quality time is time spend interacting with our children. This does not mean watching TV with them or even going to their soccer games and baseball games. It is time spent relating to them and sharing parent wisdom, guidance and experience with them. It is time spent camping with your children, roller skating, ice skating, skiing or playing tennis with them. It is time spent reading a story to or with them. It is time spent helping them with their homework or doing chores around the house with them. It is time spent during the entire cycle of your children’s lives from infant to old-age. Parent child time will change as they grow older but it does not diminish in terms of the quality of the interaction that is important.

How much time do you spend doing things with your children, with your grandchildren? Do you read to your children, play games with them, take walks with them? How much quality time do your spend with your children versus just “busy” time? What could you do to increase the quality of the time you spend with your children and with your family? Would this improve your live or their lives or both?

Vacation time rings with promises of exotic trips or simply times to do nothing. Is vacation time a form of leisure time or is it something different? The variations in what people do for vacations are truly amazing. Some of us have vacations that we need a second vacation to recover from while others simply stay home and catch up on housework or chores that never seem to get done during the year. Some of us take vacations that challenge the mind and body in terms of fitness and stamina, while others visit relatives and friends that they have not seen for years. I had a former boss who told me that I was given vacation time so that I would be able to scout the competition. I knew a baker whose idea of a fun vacation was to visit bakeries all over the world and trade recipes with other bakers. One of my best friends took vacations to places that were peaceful, calm and unremarkable. She emphasized that she did not want to go anyplace where she would feel obliged to visit a museum or go on a tour. She strictly wanted to relax and spend a week without thinking about anything. For some of us, vacations will not be leisurely while for others the opposite seems true. I have met many people who say that they never take vacations.

Vacation time evokes different meanings for each of us. What do vacations mean for you? Do you take vacations? If so, do you plan your vacations or do they just happen? Do you see vacations as a time to grow and learn new things or are they a time to relax and recover from the world? Have you ever thought of changing the type of vacations you do take? What prevents you from experimenting with a new type of vacation?

Perhaps the most valued time in our modern world is our “leisure time.” Everyone wants more leisure time. Few of us have enough of it or think we do. But do you know what the word leisure means? Without a dictionary, we would all define it very differently. For what is one person’s leisure (working in a garden) is another’s tedium. My best friend loves to work on cars, while I hate the task and will bring mine into a shop. Another friend loves to work on his house, while I am forever looking for handymen to take care of odd jobs. I spend a great deal of leisure time on my computer.

Dictionary.com defines leisure as: “Freedom from time-consuming duties, responsibilities, or activities.” This definition does not make sense if you think about it. Since everything takes time, how can we ever really be free from “time-consuming” activities? Do you know anything that can be done that will not involve an expenditure of time? Whether I go on vacation, play or go to work, I will consume time. Even prayer and meditation consume time. Leisure time has more to do with being free from goals and obligations than it does with not consuming time. Thus, freedom from duties and responsibilities is more germane to our concept of leisure time than simply not spending time. Leisure time is time when I do not have to be goal oriented or time that is not driven by some overarching responsibility. There are precious few of these moments for many of us. Even recreation and play can seem like responsibilities or work generating teaks. How many of us go on vacation and need one when we get back? Playing can be hard work for many of us if we turn it into the inevitable competition that exists in our world today.

How much leisure time do you have in your day, in your week, in your life? Is it time that is truly free of goals and responsibilities? Do you get enough of this time? If not, how could you have more leisure time in your life? What is one thing you could do today to give yourself some more “leisure time.” What would your life be like if you had more leisure time each day to just do what you want to do?