My Final Will and Testament – Regrets – Reflection #11

11 Jun 2024 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Last year at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now almost a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”

The worksheet started with these instructions:

Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”  This is Reflection Number 11 on the worksheet.

  1. These are the things that I Regret about my life.

I would rather not write this section, but I am going to anyway.  I have thought about it for several weeks now.  I dreaded when I would reach this reflection.  I had one friend who said he had “No regrets” before he died.  How I envy that perspective.  I still wonder whether he was telling the truth or whether there was something wrong with him.  Perhaps, if he is telling the truth, he may someday be canonized as a Saint.

There will be no sainthood for me.  I have more regrets than I can count.  Some days, I feel like my entire life is one big series of regrets.  Instead of being a serial killer, I am a serial regreter.  If I could go back into the past and try to undo some of the things I did, I would not know where to start.  I have decided to lump my Regrets into three categories.  Each category has some common traits.  The first is Regrets due to a lack of patience.  The second is Regrets due to a lack of compassion.  The third and final category is Regrets due to a lack of kindness.

Let us get started on this task of sorrowful confessions.  In my defense, I hope I have learned over the years many things to mitigate making the same mistakes that I did when I was younger.  I would like to think that I am a very different person now than I was forty years ago.  Many of my Regrets are in the past.  My biggest Regret is that I cannot go back and rewind the past.

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Regrets Due to a Lack of Patience:

A lack of patience may just be one of the most destructive traits that anyone can have.  You can defend it if you want to, but I have too often been impatient to see much virtue in it.  Most good things come to those who, if not willing to wait, at least have the patience to persevere in a task or mission that could take years.  We keep reminding ourselves that Rome was not built in a day but neither did it fall overnight.  History is replete of antecedents to subsequent events proving that most of the problems of today actually started many years if not decades or centuries earlier.

There are certain calculations I should like to make with you,

To be sure that your deductions will be logical and true;

And remember, ‘Patience, Patience,’ is the watchword of a sage,

Not to-day nor yet to-morrow can complete a perfect age.  

— From  Sarah Williams, Twilight Hours: A Legacy of Verse

I was not a patient person.  I had a great many talents but foolishly I thought that these talents gave me the right and ability to circumvent practice, dedication, training and experience.  I wanted everything today or at least by next week.  I expected that my brains and intellect gave me the privilege to neglect what all the great writers, artists, musicians, athletes and other talented people know.  There is no greatness without hard work and discipline.

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Regrets Due to a Lack of Compassion:

I grew up believing that emotions were somehow evil.  Thinking and brains and knowledge and intellect were everything.  Emotions led us astray.  Somewhere in life, I learned that unless you suffer the same emotions as other people do, you cannot empathize with them.  Until you experience what pain and heartbreak and sorrow and Regret, and joy and love feel like you cannot understand what other people are going through in their lives.  Without empathy, there is no compassion.  Without compassion there is no forgiveness or mercy.  You end up becoming hard like a rock but with about as many feelings.  You protect yourself by eliminating feelings, but that process creates an unscalable wall between you and other human beings.

You eventually are doomed from this lack of feelings to acquiring perhaps the most horrible feeling of all.  That is the feeling of absolute loneliness.  You are no longer part of the human race or anything else.  You exist in a vacuum.  You neither care about anyone nor does anyone care about you.  Loneliness kills.  There is evidence that dying early is linked to loneliness and social isolation.  Suicides due to loneliness are well known to be one of the major causes of death in the USA.

“A meta-analysis of 90 studies examined the links between loneliness, social isolation and early death among more than 2 million adult.  They were followed for anywhere from six months to 25 years.  Participants who reported feeling lonely were 14% more likely to die early than those who did not.  People who experienced social isolation had a 32% higher risk of dying early.”  —  Kristen Rogers CNN, December 24, 2023

“Men who often experienced loneliness, or those who were lonely and living alone, or with a non-partner, were found to have three times higher risk for death by suicide compared to those who were cohabiting.”  — How living alone, loneliness and lack of emotional support link to suicide and self-harm

Loneliness has been found to be different by the generation we are born with as well as by race and gender.

Generation Z (ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation, with 79% reporting feelings of loneliness according to a study by Cigna.

Millennials (ages 23-37) also report high levels of loneliness, with 71% saying they feel lonely at times in a survey by YouGov.

According to a study by YouGov, women are more likely to report feeling lonely than men, with 72% of women saying they feel lonely at times compared to 60% of men.

According to a study by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, Black Americans report feeling lonely more often than white Americans, with 44% of Black adults reporting feelings of loneliness compared to 37% of white adults.

Looking back on my life, I see many people who I pushed away because I would not let my feelings show.  Over the years, I have lost friends and relatives because I did not care enough about maintaining the relationships to reach out and “touch someone.”  It was often easier for me to just ignore my feelings and assume others would do likewise.  I have written several blogs where I say, “Don’t wait.”  “Tell them you love them now.”  “Tell them you admire them.”  “Tell them how important they are to you.”

Do it now.  Don’t wait until you are full of Regrets.

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Regrets Due to a Lack of Kindness:

Kindness is not the same as compassion.  Though I think without compassion there can probably be no kindness.  I might be wrong here but I think kindness (at least physical kindness) like opening doors for people or letting another person sit down first can simply be good manners.  A robotic reaction taught by habit and custom and enforced by upbringing that might have little or nothing to do with compassion. Kindness of whatever stripe involves action.  You must demonstrate kindness by your behavior towards others.

I do not think that emotional kindness can exist without empathy and compassion.   Emotional kindness is a nurturing of the spirit whereas physical kindness is a nurturing of the body.  I think I have always been good at the latter but seldom good at the former.  As I think more about the matter, my regrets come from the emotional and spiritual harm I have done to others by ignoring their emotional and spiritual needs.

For instance, when my daughter was growing up, I took her skiing, bicycling, swimming and camping.  All activities where I spent time in physical empathy with what I assumed were fun and enjoyable needs of my daughter.  As for her emotional needs, I cannot say that I ever really recognized any.  Mores the pity, because that is where I did the damage.  Like a bull in China shop, I treated her in ways that I can reflect back on now and realize led to a suicide attempt and two failed marriages for her.  On the few times in the past years that we have been together, I can see that she is a hard person.  The kind of person I thought it was great to be.  A person who could (to paraphrase Hamlet) “suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and take up arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them.”

I did not realize that sometimes a person needs a shoulder to cry on more than they need arms and arrows.  Could I go back and be a different dad, I would do so in a heartbeat.  Alas, I have not found the time machine to take me back to undo the many hurts I caused by trying to ignore feelings.  I wish I could say that I never do so anymore, but that would make everything in my final will and testament “One Big Lie.”  If nothing else, I want to tell the truth.  Perhaps the truth that I tell can set someone else free.

Next Reflection:    

  1. These are my life’s Achievements

The Path to Nowhere

04 Dec 2023 16 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

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I woke up last night with a light shining in my eyes.  At first, I thought maybe Karen had turned a light on.  Then I realized that the light was shining in from outside my bedroom window.  It was flickering and moving up and down as though it was alive and agitated.  I got up to see where the light was coming from.  I opened a patio door and walked towards the light.  As I move in the direction of the light, it moved away.  I noticed that it was illuminating a path.  I started to go back inside, but the light moved rapidly towards me again.  It was as though it wanted me to follow it down the path.  I slowly took some cautious steps down the path.  The light moved with me.  I was now sure that it was lighting a way for me to follow.  It seemed to be a path to nowhere.

Tired though I was, I decided to follow the light down the path.  Soon, I could see someone standing by the side of the road.  It was my third-grade teacher, someone I shall never forget.  While singing in a class choir one day, she suddenly yelled at me.  “You, stop singing.  Just open and close your mouth.  Do not make a sound.”  I have never felt so humiliated in my entire life.  Seventy years have gone by, and I still will not sing a note.  Never have and never will.  “Get over it” many have said but I have not been able to forget how I felt at that moment when she screamed at me to “Shut your mouth.”

I soon came abreast of my former teacher.  She was just standing there.  She seemed to be glaring at me.  I stopped to ask her why she had made fun of me and did she know how much it hurt.  She explained that I was a terrible singer, and that my “screeching” was ruining it for the other kids.  She was not sorry.  She had more responsibilities than just me.  The light moved on and I continued down the path.

images (2)I saw another shadow ahead.  The shadow became more defined as I came closer, and I realized that it was my father.  He was standing there shaking his head.  He started yelling at me.  “You can’t do anything right.  You fuck everything up.  Leave it alone, I will do it myself.”  I stopped to tell him that I was sorry.  I always tried but it was never good enough.  He just shook his head.  The light moved on again and I followed it down the path.

I approached another figure on the path.  As I drew near, I was surprised to see that it was my mother.  My mother was a wonderful person.  Many called her a saint.  I never felt that I knew my mom very well.  She stood by the side of the path but did not say a thing.  She looked sadly at me.  I asked her how she was doing but she still said nothing.  I was never sure whether she loved me or not.  I could not think of anything to say.  I regretfully walked on following the light down the path.  I could hear the refrains in my mind from the song Motherless Child.  “Sometimes I feel like a motherless child.  A long, long way from my home.”  I hear this song frequently.

I almost passed by the next figure on the path.  I could see my cousin Louis standing there.  His face looked unhappy and mournful.  He did not have to say a word.  I knew what he was thinking.  My cousin was once closer to me than anyone in my life.  We had been like brothers in childhood and shared many adventures.  Lou had never been a strong child and although he was two years older than I was, I was the one who fought the bullies that always seemed to pick on him.  It formed a bond between us that we had thought nothing could break.  We once sliced our palms and shared our blood swearing to be loyal and true to each other for the rest of our lives.  I had let him down terribly.

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It was after high school during the Vietnam War and we both joined the Air Force.  Several years went by and we did not see each other.  Lou was in Europe, and I was on the other side of the world.  Something brought us together again in proximity and we soon renewed our friendship.  We had both married, but Lou had managed to snag one of the most beautiful women you would ever see.  I was beyond envious.

We started to get together more frequently and one night after having a little too much to drink, I cornered his wife in our kitchen and made a pass at her.  I felt like King David that lusted after Bathsheba.  According to the prophet Nathan, Bathsheba’s husband Uriah had only this one “lamb” and David had many, but it did not matter to David.  David was selfish.  I was David.

Lou had been having a struggle to find his way financially and I had been doing much better.  I was on an uphill road and Lou seemed to be going downhill.  Yet, all I could think of was getting in bed with his wife.  Lou found out what I had tried to do and broke off our friendship.  Lou never forgave me.  He moved away after he found out that his wife was having an affair with her boss.  Lou died of a brain aneurism a few years later on Oct 26, 1992.  He was only 47.

As I left Lou on the path, I tell him how sorry I am and that I wish I could do our relationship over again.  Lou just nods and says nothing.  I continue to follow the light.  Lou once more fades into my past.  The path still seems to go nowhere.  I wonder where the light is leading me.  Am I on a path to hell or misery, I am not sure.  I do not need all these reminders of what an SOB I had often been.  My world had once been a terrible place to be.  Where was the path going?

60911730_v_4477Soon, I could make out two more figures on the path as I approached their shadows.  One was my former wife, Julia.  She was sitting on a rock with my daughter Christina.  Christy was seven or eight and they were both crying.  I remember the scene well.  I had taken a picture of them both that day amid that dismal moment.  I was oblivious to their pain and heartache.  The picture is in a scrapbook that I left with Julia when we divorced.  It has often haunted my thoughts.  I can see the picture in my mind just as clearly as if I were holding it in my hand.  I was the reason; they were both crying and trying to comfort each other.  Thinking of the pictures reminds me of the bastard that I once was and how horrible I had often been to Julia and my daughter Christy.

I walk by both Julia and Christy.  I avoid looking them in the eyes.   I do not want to remember this time.  God, just let me pass them without saying anything.  A friend of mine told me before he died that he had no regrets.  I cannot understand how this could be.  My regrets would fill a dump truck.  I have tried many times since my divorce to tell both Julia and Christy how sorry I was for my meanness and belligerence.  I can only imagine that the word “sorry” does not really do much to make amends for hurts and harm that we have done to other people.  It is often too little and too late.  But even on this path to nowhere, I can’t go back.  I can’t change things.  I silently walk on towards the light.  I doubt that I will find forgiveness for myself on the path that I am following.

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I know there are more shadows and more people waiting for me.  I cannot bear to go down it any further.  I turn around to walk back to my bedroom.  I can find peace only in sleep.  The light flickers behind me and gradually recedes in the distance.  I am sure it will come again another night.  The light will shine in my window and beckon me to spend another night on the path to nowhere.

Incomplete Episodes in a Life

25 Nov 2023 16 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

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One’s life might be viewed as a series of episodes.  Each episode is an animated picture or story with a beginning, middle and conclusion.  Most of the episodes in our lives follow this pattern.  However, there are some that do not.  The ones that do not generally lack a conclusion.  These are the “incomplete” episodes that I referred to in the title to this blog.  Things that we started but never finished.  Places we wanted to go but never did.  People we wanted to meet but did not.  Perhaps even more importantly, who we wanted to become but never did.

Before giving my somewhat prosaic opinions of this topic, I decided to query ChatGPT to see what it would say about the subject.  I used the following query:

How does one deal with the incomplete episodes in our lives?

Here is the entire response that ChatGPT gave.  Some good food for thought which I would like to later elaborate on.  It (I don’t know whether to say he or she), and It seems too impersonal.  Anyway, ChatGPT gave the following ten answers.  I list these just as he/she gave them.  Any typos belong to ChatGPT.  😊

ChatGPT

Dealing with incomplete episodes in our lives can be challenging, as it often involves facing uncertainty, unmet expectations, or unresolved issues.  Here are some strategies to help you navigate through such situations:

  1. Acceptance:
  • Acknowledge that life is full of incomplete episodes, and not everything can be neatly resolved or concluded.
  • Embrace the uncertainty and imperfection inherent in the human experience.
  1. Mindfulness:
  • Practice mindfulness to stay present in the moment rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
  • Focus on what you can control and let go of things beyond your control.
  1. Learn from the Experience:
  • Reflect on the incomplete episode and identify any lessons or insights it may offer.
  • Consider how you can grow and develop as a person through the experiences, even if they are not fully resolved.
  1. Gratitude:
  • Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the positive aspects of the experience, even if it didn’t unfold as expected.
  • Recognize the value in the journey itself, rather than solely focusing on the destination.
  1. Seek Closure if Possible:
  • If the incomplete episode involves relationships or unresolved issues, consider whether seeking closure is feasible and healthy.
  • This might involve open communication, forgiveness, or finding a resolution that allows you to move forward.
  1. Adaptability:
  • Develop adaptability and resilience to cope with life’s uncertainties.
  • Understand that flexibility and the ability to adjust your expectations can contribute to a more fulfilling life.
  1. Self-Compassion:
  • Be kind to yourself. Understand that not everything will have a clear resolution, and that’s okay.
  • Avoid self-blame or excessive criticism, and recognize that everyone faces incomplete episodes in their lives.
  1. Future Orientation:
  • Focus on the opportunities and possibilities that lie ahead rather than dwelling on what didn’t work out.
  • Set new goals and aspirations that align with your values and contribute to your overall well-being.
  1. Connect with Others:
  • Share your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends, family, or a therapist.
  • Connecting with others can provide support, different perspectives, and a sense of community.
  1. Creative Expression:
  • Use creative outlets such as writing, art, or music to express your emotions and make sense of the incomplete episode.
  • Creative expression can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and healing.

Remember, the process of dealing with incomplete episodes is unique to each individual, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.  It’s essential to be patient with yourself and allow time for healing and growth.

John Persico:  Back to my thoughts now. 

ddddddSuffice it to say, I am awestruck by the reply from ChatGPT.  She/he might just eliminate the need for many experts including pundits like me, psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, professors, sociologists, psychologists and even you.  I am scratching my head as to what I can add about the subject that ChatGPT did not provide you.  I can tell you a story though that ChatGPT cannot concerning a major non-closure in my own life.  One episode among many that has left me with regrets.  I can also tell you that it is not always easy to get closure on incomplete episodes.  Many things can get in the way.  Perhaps the primary barriers either being the unwillingness of one party to try or to reciprocate an effort and of course our own egos.

My incomplete episode in a nutshell concerns a friend who I left behind.  As much as I admired this friend, I found that talking with him became more and more difficult.  It appeared to me that he was always looking to pick a fight or to insult me.  We drifted more and more apart in our politics and our views on life.  I did not want to engage in frequent arguments with him and to use the common vernacular I “ghosted” him.  I just avoided his calls and did not reach out to him anymore.  When I had a going away party, I did not invite him.

Adownload few years later, I decided to reach out to him again.  You can guess his reaction.  He was angry and insulting.  I decided to drop my effort.  Over the years, we have had some interactions by phone or email but nothing that has substantially reinvigorated our former friendship.  I am not sure whether he feels any loss, but I can honestly say that I miss him.  He had many good qualities and there were many times that we spent together that I fondly remember.  I have been the one over the past few years to try to reach out, but my efforts have gone nowhere.  At this point, I have decided that “people change” and that he is not the person that he once was.  This is a good excuse or rationale for my letting go and forgetting him.  You can no doubt pick many holes in my logic.

I tell you this story because advice such as ChatGPT has given is very good, but advice can only go so far to heal hurts and pains that we inflect on others.  ChatGPT does have one reference to forgiveness, but it really says very little about how we forgive others or forgive ourselves.  I know from personal experience that it is not an easy task.

So, what are our options?  To paraphrase Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1, Shakespeare:

“To seek closure or not?  Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?  To die: to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

download fffI could point out that few things worth having ever come easy.  The problem is that too many of us grow up today with the fantasy that as the song in My Fair Lady goes, “With a little bit of luck, you can have it all.”  I grew up with a phrase that was popular in my neighborhood that went “He got the breaks.”  This meant basically that he/she got what they got cause they got lucky.  They did not have to work hard.  They did not have to practice.  They did not have to study.  They simply had to get the “Breaks.”  It took me years to realize the fallacy in thinking that luck has much to do with what one gets in life.  Two of my now favorites quotes are:

  • “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” — Thomas Jefferson
  • “Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.” — Samuel Goldwyn

1_ZLn1TTtTNK4AxQqTFVQe7AA life without closures will be a life not really lived well.  The more closures we can accomplish, the more satisfying our lives will be.  Perhaps only a life lived with closures can be a life lived without regrets.  We will all have regrets in our lives.  Our incomplete episodes are links in a chain that we forge as we go through life.  A key question is “how long do we want our chain to be?”  The more effort we make to complete these episodes, the shorter our chain will be, and I think the happier our lives will be.  Look at the incomplete episodes in your life today.  Which ones still cause you heartache and regrets.  Is it too late to do anything about them?  Would it be worth the effort?  What would it cost you to try?

A Different Point of View:  

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Many experts think looking for closure is a waste of time.  One comment I found was:

“The best closure is ridding yourself of whoever interferes with your happiness and focusing on the people and activities that bring happiness into your life.  So, is closure important?  Well, you have to decide that for yourself and on your own terms.  Maybe letting go is all the closure you really need.” 

For more on the above point of view, see “How Important Is It to Find Closure?”

Keep in mind that the closure mostly referred to in this article deals with people and relationships.  There are many other types of incomplete episodes in our lives where closure will need a different strategy.  For instance, if you feel inadequate because you never went to college.  Maybe it is not too late to go to college.  Or maybe you always wanted to learn scuba diving.  Maybe it is not too late to learn to dive.  Here are ten people who started things late in life and are now honored for their efforts:

  1. Laura Ingalls Wilder Publishes “Little House in the Big Woods” — 65 years old
  2. Benjamin Franklin Signs the “Declaration of Independence” — 70 years old
  3. Nelson Mandela Becomes President of South Africa — 77 years old
  4. Shigemi Hirata Obtains a BA Degree from Kyoto University —96 years old
  5. Gandhi and Granny D Walk for a Cause — 60 years old
  6. Grandma Moses Picks Up a Paintbrush — 78 years old
  7. Fauja Singh is still running marathons — 100 years old.
  8. John Goodenough wins a Nobel Prize in Chemistry — 97 years old
  9. Yuichiro Miura climbs Mount Everest — 80 years old
  10. Adriane Stewart a Professional Opera Singer — 92 years old

As we begin to enter a New Year of 2024.  I wish you all the best in the closures or completeness of episodes in your life that cause you regrets and pain.  Life is seldom easy.

 

 

 

 

My Brother Billy: RIP

23 Mar 2023 22 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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This is a short story with few characters.  It began ten or so years ago, but it did not end until February of this year, Anno Domini 2023.  It is but a brief waypoint in the relationship I had with my brother before he died on July 6 of 2022.  Before we begin my story, let me introduce the “cast” of characters.

William Paul Persico:  Younger brother to John Persico Jr.  Born on March 31, 1958.  Billy as everyone called him was almost twelve years younger than John.  Billy and John grew up in the same house, but their paths hardly crossed.  They shared little in common.  Billy dropped out of school in the 9th grade after staying back two years.  Billy’s main values: Drinking, smoking, drugs, and partying with his friends.  Later in life, Billy started to pay more attention to his son Jacob.  They shared some very special times together before Billy passed.

John Persico Jr.  Brother to Billy.  Born on September 17, 1946.  Joined the military in September of 1964 at the age of 18.  Hardly had any contact with Billy for many years.  Not much in common.  John’s main values: Education, hard work, and honesty.  Others might disagree with this rather positive outlook but hell, I am the one telling this story.

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ABOVE PICTURE – JEANINE ON THE LEFT AND KAREN ON THE RIGHT.  HIKING IN FEBUARY 

Jeanine Persico:  Billy’s older sister and John’s younger sister.  Born on August 30, 1951.  Spent thirty-five years working for Social Security.  Received early retirement.  After her mom and older sister Sheri died, she seemed to adopt Billy as a basket case that she needed to take care of.  Continually enabling him (In my mind at least) by giving him money and never expecting him to pay it back.  Jeanine’s main values:  Family, friendship, loyalty, compassion, and avoidance of conflict.  Jeanine is much like our mother.  A loving kind person who takes care of people.

Karen Y. Persico.  Wife of John Persico.  Born July 5th, 1944.  Karen had to listen for many years to my complaints about my brother’s perceived lack of positive attributes.  She was always kind to Billy when he called and once visited but shared my disapproval for his profligate lifestyle.  She never questioned or complained of any money we loaned to Billy.  Karen’s values: Family, frugality, hard work, education, and music.  She shows her love for others through her cooking, crafts, and music.

Linda Therrien:  Billy’s common law wife and companion for twenty or so years.  Born October 13, 1946.  Billy lived with Linda in a mostly loving relationship.  Two lonely outcast souls that seemed to find each other and as Judge Judy once said, “There is a cover for every pot.”  Linda’s values:  Unknown.  It will not really matter since Linda plays a very small role in this story.  Linda is a walk-on and walk right off in this story.

The story that follows has some roots in what happened after my mother Dorothy died.  She passed away on Feb 2, 1994, at the age of 67.  After Billy’s divorce, he had continued to live with our mom.  My sister Sheri who died on December 22, 2002, along with my sister Jeanine and I agreed to let Billy have the house if he paid the mortgage, taxes and maintained it in a reasonably good state.  It did not take long before we had to pay all of the former out of our own pockets as Billy remained unemployed and more interested in partying with his friends.  Billy was turning the place into a crack house for his druggie friends.  Sheri, Jeanine, and I met to discuss the situation.  We agreed to sell the house and split the proceeds four ways.

The practically non-existent relationship that I had with my brother went even further south after we sold the house.  He once said that my sisters and I got all the brains, and it was not fair.  He felt that he should have kept the house and that we could keep paying his bills.  I was living in another state and wanted nothing to do with him.  About the only time for the next ten or so years that I heard from him was around Christmas time.  I guessed he was angry about the house but I did not care.  The less that I heard from him, the happier I was.

Jeanine would fill me in on Billy’s various shenanigans which were always good for a laugh.  It seemed that he had little desire to do anything with his life except drink, drugs, and smoke.  The only time that I did hear from him was to borrow some money.  Jeanine routinely gave him money.  I was a more difficult touch as I did not feel any guilt over his lifestyle.  I did occasionally break down and give him some funds when I could afford it and did not expect to be paid back.  I had nothing to worry about on that score.

More years went by and sometime around the beginning of 2008, Billy contacted me and asked for a loan of $300 dollars.  It surprised me that he was so adamant about it being a loan.  He did not expect it to be a gift.  He assured me that he would pay me back in full before Christmas of that year.  I gave him the loan and reassured him that I did expect it to be paid back.  You can guess the outcome.

Christmas of 2008 came and went, and I did not hear from Billy.  I was angry and fed up.  I called him after the holidays were over to find out where my money was.   I received the excuse that he just did not have it and he was sorry.  I lost my temper and cursed him up and down.  But I was not through with him.  I went to the computer and wrote the meanest, cruelest letter that I have ever written.  I told him that if he had been run over and was dying in the streets and all it took was one cent to save his life, I would not give it.  I read the letter to my sister Jeanine.  Sheri my younger sister by one year had died of cancer six years before.  Jeanine did not say much at the time.  I put the letter in an envelope and mailed it to Billy and Linda.  At the time, I had no regrets.  I thought of it as a form of tough love or shock therapy.  I thought it might make a difference.  Why did I not have a real brother instead of someone like him, I often wondered?

Well, communication between Billy and I grew less and less frequent.  Considering it had never been frequent, it was more like hardly ever.  I reasoned that Billy had received my letter and was now even more angry than before.  Five or more years went by.  Christmas cards and Christmas calls did not happen between us anymore.  Then gradually, a call every six months or so would happen.  Karen and I started to send and receive Christmas cards to and from Billy and Linda.  I guessed that he had put my mean letter behind him and was attempting to move on.  I wanted to forget the letter and often thought of apologizing for it but just could not bring myself to do it.

Billy died at the age of 64 on July 6, 2022.  He had suffered from many illnesses primarily but perhaps not entirely due to his lifestyle.  According to Linda, he went into their bedroom to lay down and take a nap.  She went in later to talk to him and found him dead.

The story really begins here.  The stuff above is simply prelude. 

Jeanine:  Calls me on phone from RI to Wisconsin.  “John, Billy died yesterday.”

John: “How did it happen?”

Jeanine: “Just passed away.  They are calling it a heart attack and will not do an autopsy.”

Jeanine is crying and very distraught.  I reasoned it best not to go into any details at this time in terms of funeral or whatever.  Knowing Billy and Linda had no money, it would fall on Jeanine and I to take care of any burial expenses.  Some days go by, and I call Jeanine.

John: “What do you want to do about the funeral?” 

Jeanine: “I would like to have a regular church funeral and burial for him.”

John: “I am sorry that he passed but I am not willing to go for a big elaborate funeral and burial.  I will split a cremation and simple burial with you but that is as far as I will go.  I am not going to pretend that I am all teary eyed about his passing.” 

Jeanine: “I will get back to you on this.”

A few days later, and Jeanine calls me back.  Without talking to me she has made funeral arrangements and set a date for the service.

John: “Jeanine, I told you that I am not willing to spend this kind of money on such an elaborate funeral.  This is your show and your expense.  I am not planning to come out for the funeral.  Billy was less a brother to me and more just someone I knew in passing.  I am not going to be a hypocrite now and pretend to be all mournful.” 

I had discussed my response to Jeanine with several friends and asked each what they would do.  Most agreed with me and said they would set a limit on how much they would spend.  They all implied that Jeanine felt guilty and was making reparations by this funeral.  I did not feel guilty except for one thing.  The mean nasty letter that I had sent to Billy thirteen years ago.

I could tell that Jeanine was somewhat miffed by my response.  A certain distance seemed to come between us.  For my part, I thought she went overboard.  As things worked out, she did not have enough money to cover the gravestone that she wanted to put on Billy’s plot.  I sent her a thousand dollars to cover a portion of the expense.  It seemed to mend our relationship and in February of this year, 2023, Jeanine came out to Arizona to visit for a week.  The story continues from there.

Jeanine and Karen went to the health club the second day of her visit to work out together.  Upon their return, we have the following discussion.

Karen: “Jeanine wants to tell you something, but is afraid that you will be very angry.”

John: “Ok, I promise no matter what, I will not be angry.”

Jeanine: “Do you remember that letter that you sent to Billy many years ago?”

John: “Of course, I remember it.  I still regret that I never called him up to apologize for it.”

Jeanine: “Well, Billy never got it.”

John: “What do you mean he never got it?”

Jeanine: “You told me about the letter and I went over to Billy’s apartment each day to intercept the letter.  One day when Billy was not home, I went over and asked Linda if she had received a letter from you.  She said that it had just come that morning.  Billy had not seen it.  I asked her for the letter and told her I needed it and not to tell Billy about it.  Linda simply gave me the letter and I destroyed it.”

John: “Are you kidding me?  You were tampering with US Mail.  This is a serious offense, Jeanine.  For thirteen years, I fretted over sending that letter and whether I was going to apologize for writing it.”

Karen: “You promised not to be angry.”

John: “I am not angry.  I don’t know what to feel: relief, disappointment, gratitude, regrets.  It is just hard to believe this.  You waited thirteen years to tell me.  Well, it is all just water over the dam now.  I will never know what would or would not have made a difference in my relationship with Billy.”   

The End – Almost

The last few years of Billy’s life, he seemed to change.  I was noticing postings of his on Facebook and he seemed happier and more thoughtful.  He was taking time with his son Jacob and was engaged in other activities besides drinking and smoking.  Jeanine told me that he had quit drugs, drinking, and smoking and was trying to clean up his life.  I was skeptical and did not believe what I was hearing.  Jeanine often had rose colored glasses when it came to Billy.  With the advantage of hindsight, I believe he really was making an effort to live a real life.  I wonder if I could have been a better brother to him or how I could have made a more significant contribution to his life.  I wonder whether or not Billy’s not receiving the letter was a good or bad thing.  Mostly, I am glad that he did not.

“None of you believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.”  ― Prophet Muhammad  

  

Forgiveness: The Second in My Series of Most Important Virtues

17 Dec 2020 9 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This is the second in my series on what I called the Seven Most Important Virtues for Living.   I will speak from my personal experiences on Forgiveness and try to share as much of my own life as possible.  I do not want to speak as an “Expert.”  I am far from being an expert on this subject.

Every Tuesday morning, I start my day with the following prayer:

  • Please give me the strength and courage to forgive those who insult, disrespect or harm me in any way. May I be strong enough to offer forgiveness to others and to ask for forgiveness for myself.

Forgiveness is a subject that is both easy and difficult for me to write about.  It is easy because I have had a great deal of experience with the subject.  It is difficult because much of my experience has not been positive.  It seems to be a virtue that I am not very good at.  I can’t say that I ever gave it much thought until several years ago.  Here is what changed my life.

When my oldest and only daughter started college, about two years after my first wife and I separated, we had a slight argument over money.  I did not think it was that big of a deal but Chris (my daughter) became very angry.  She said she never wanted to see me or talk to me again.  She told me that I had made her life miserable when she was growing up and she wanted me out of her life for good.  Almost ten years went by and despite my best efforts, she would not reply or respond to any overtures I made.  I felt very sad but I did not know what to do.  I was torn between trying to see her and also trying to respect her wishes.

I ended up talking to a sizable number of people who one for reason or another like me had been cast aside by friends or loved ones.  I thought this would make an interesting story and I wrote some of my thoughts on this issue and sent it to the Oprah Winfrey show.  I never expected to hear from them.  Several months went by and one day I received a phone call.  The person on the other end wanted to know if I would like to be on the show and talk about my problems with my daughter.  The other person described this particular Oprah show as one that dealt with forgiveness.  I was intrigued but I had several misgivings and turned the offer down.

A year or so went by and one day the Oprah show called me again.  For the second time they asked me if I would like to be on the show.  They explained that they would contact my daughter and if she accepted, we could both come on the show and tell our stories.  It would be a show about forgiveness and I could offer my apologies for anything I had done and see if Chris and I could work things out on the show with Oprah acting as a facilitator.  I decided to give it a chance and after discussing some logistics, I accepted the invitation.

A couple of weeks later, I was flown with my wife Karen and my step-daughter Megan to Chicago where they had booked rooms for us at the Omni Hotel in downtown Chicago.  We were told that a limousine would pick us up in the morning and then take us back to the hotel or to the airport after the show was filmed.  We were given food vouchers and enjoyed some fine dining in our hotel rooms before going to bed.  There was a definite feeling of both excitement and dread on my part.  I had no idea what to expect.  At this time, I did not even know if my daughter was going to be there.

Next morning, I went for a run around the streets of Chicago.  A funny thing happened on my run.  A film crew from a local TV news network stopped me and asked me if I was a tourist.  I said that more or less I guess I was and they then conducted a brief interview with me concerning what I thought of Chicago.  Two TV shows in one day!  After I returned to the hotel, Karen, Megan and I showered, dressed and waited for the limousine to take us to Oprah’s studio.

We were picked up and driven to the studio where Karen and Megan were taken to the audience area, while I was escorted to what they call the “Green” Room.  There were actually two such “Green” rooms where guests could be separated.  I talked to several other guests who were on the show also to deal with the subject of forgiveness.  One was a man whose family had owned slaves and he wanted to ask forgiveness for the history of his family.  The other was a Methodist Bishop who wanted to ask forgiveness for her church because of the slaughter of innocent Native Americans led by a Methodist minister named John M. Chivington at Sand Creek in 1864.

A short time passed and while I was getting my nose and head powdered, Oprah Winfrey herself and her little dog came in to chat with me.  We talked for a short time and she told me that she wished me the best but to keep in mind that I might not get what I hoped for.  She said that often the people who felt that they had been wronged did not want to forgive the other party.

I went out on the stage with Oprah and I was truly surprised that my daughter Chris had also accepted the invitation to be on the show.  I was immediately hopeful that we could resolve our differences and begin a new relationship.  Oprah explained that there were three components required for forgiveness.  True forgiveness it was explained requires one to accept all three components if that is what the other party needs.  The three components of forgiveness are:

  1. An apology or request for forgiveness
  2. A willingness to listen to hear how you hurt the other party
  3. A willingness to make amends or to try to correct the wrong in some way

Oprah started off the conversation by asking my daughter Chris why she did not want to speak to me.   Chris had a lot of reasons.  I had already realized that I was often angry when she was young and I would explode at the drop of a hat.  I had gone through a Domestic Abuse Program a few years earlier in which through counseling and a support group, I had begun to get my anger under control.  Chris had felt that while growing up she was often terrified to be living with me and feared for her and her mom’s life.  She had never been physically hurt by me and I can only remember one time that I had hit her mom and that was after she hit me.  Nevertheless, there was a constant feeling of fear in the house punctuated by my violent outbursts which included throwing things, punching walls and yelling at Chris and Julie, my spouse at the time.

When, Oprah finally turned to me and asked me what I wanted to say.  I had no doubt in my mind that I was sorry for my actions and that I wished I could turn the clock back.  I apologized to Chris and asked if she could forgive me.  I was ready to make any amends possible.  At this point, I had covered two of the three conditions for forgiveness.  I had said I was sorry and I had listened to her pain and grief.  I was ready to make amends.  However, Chris did not buy into the scenario.  She refused to accept my apology and informed me that she did not need a father in her life.  However, she said that she had two children and that perhaps they could use a grandfather.  She would have to think about it.  That was the end of our conversation.

Before leaving the show, Oprah told me that she was sorry it had not worked out better but that forgiveness is a very delicate process and that it does not always go the way we hope it will.   I was not discouraged though and I felt that the outcome was positive.  I thought that I could be a good grandfather and I welcomed the opportunity.

A few years later, I was again contacted by the Oprah show for a “follow-up.”  I again agreed to go on the show.   I did not know if Chris accepted or even had an invitation as she was not on the show.  My segment was very brief.  I explained that Chris still did not want me in her life but that I had been given a few opportunities to share some time with her two children, Frankie and Jesse.  These times were very brief and it was clear that it was only when Chris was present that I was allowed to see them.  I did not know it at this time, but even this opportunity to spend time with my grandchildren would soon derail.

While asking for forgiveness is never easy, particularly when you realize how you have hurt someone; I do not think it is the hardest part of forgiveness.  I had no trouble asking for forgiveness, for I am truly sorry about how Chris had to grow up.  I wish I could redo her life and give her a new childhood.  Many years have passed and I have only seen my daughter once in the past fifteen years.   She has been remarried and divorced but I have not been invited to any of her life events and any efforts to send letters or cards have not been acknowledged.   I found out two years ago in a conversation with my ex-wife that Chris had some time before attempted to take her own life.  It was shortly after her second husband left her.

The hardest part for me has been to “let go” and to forgive myself.  I tried going to confession at one of my annual Jesuit retreats.  The Father and I talked about my “sins” and the issues that I had as not being a very good father.  I was granted forgiveness by my confessor.  I hoped that this would help me come to turns with the grief and pain that I often feel when I think of Chris.  It has not.

I have been told that I really have not forgiven myself.  These are just so many empty words to me.  I do not know how to do this.  Particularly, when I reflect on the fact that out there someplace is a child that I spent twenty years with and to whom I am now totally irrelevant.  I never stopped loving my daughter.  I always wanted to be a good father and I did try to be a good father.  I remember many good times we had together as father and daughter.  It is hard for me to accept that the feelings and memories are not mutual.  If hell is of our own making, then I have made the hell that I feel when I think about Chris and wonder how she is.  I wonder if she will ever change her mind and forgive me.  Until then, I hope someday to know what it will feel like to forgive myself.