Before we begin to answer the question raised in the title, we need to define empathy. I will ignore what the dictionary says in favor of my own definition. My definition of empathy is “A feeling that somehow gets shared between two (or more people) and that helps each person feel closer to the other person.” Years ago, when my first wife and I went to marriage counseling, she told the counselor, that I was the only person she knew who did not have any feelings. For years, she had wondered about it but she finally concluded that I did not have any. I cannot fault her for this. I believed that Spock on Star Trek, was too emotional. After all, he did have a human mother.
Forty-six years have gone by since that fateful counseling session and I have learned a lot more about empathy. But to say that I am a master or even a journeyman in empathy would be an exaggeration. Learning empathy is not as simple as that. It is compounded by the fact that I see three types of empathy (This is my typology). There is neg-empathy, neutral empathy, and positive empathy. Most of my days are spent in neutral empathy. I have had many occasions of neg-empathy. Once in a great while, I get struck by lightning and have a glimpse of positive empathy. They have become more frequent as I have aged but not frequent enough. (The opening picture above shows three types of empathy that psychology textbooks use.) Again, I favor my own three types.
Neg-Empathy
Neg-empathy is a complete disregard for how another person feels. Sometimes it is intentional but most often it is inadvertent. Culturally many of us are brought up to exhibit neg-entropy. Here is one example:
A good friend is running with me on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. He stumbles, falls, and twists his ankle. I ask him if it is ok and can he still run. He replies that it hurts quite a bit, to which I reply “Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I think I heard that line from John Wayne or Vince Lombardi. Many men and maybe women in some cultures are brought up to disregard pain and to ignore suffering. “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, so should you.” “The only thing you have to fear, is fear itself.”
Personally, I love a lot of these macho aphorisms. My father used to tell me them all the time. Like when I once came home battered and bruised from a fight that I had won with an older kid, and my father said. “Next time you win a fight, look like you won it.”
People who are suffering from depression are often the victims of neg-entropy. In trying to help them with lines like “Tomorrows another day” or “You worry too much,” we make things worse for them. At best, we do not ameliorate or disperse any of their depression.
Neg-empathy does not make anyone feel better. Comments from neg-empathy do nothing to share a sense of common concern or camaraderie. At best, they are not helpful and at worse, they may just be mean spirited and cruel.
Neutral Empathy:
I started running in 1975 after being a very good bicyclist for many years. I ran in freezing rain, below zero wind-chills and blistering heat. I even went out one time and ran with a tornado coming through the neighborhood. Like the U.S. Mail, nothing could stop me. Over the years, I met many people who would tell me “I used to run but my knees went out and I had to give it up.” I had enough sense not to tell them what I was really thinking so I usually said nothing or just a “too bad.” What I was really thinking was “If you really wanted to you could still be running.” The latter comment would be an example of neg-empathy. My silence was an example of neutral empathy. I did not make any connection to the feelings that the other person had, nor did I much want to. I could not identify with them since I ran “no matter what.” I was better than they were.
Last year in April of 2022, I broke my finger in a fall while running on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. I continued running and did not find out that my finger was broke until I had an Xray about two months or so later. The finger throbbed and looked funny for much of this time. This still did not stop my running. The advice from many people was that it was just swollen, and the swelling would go down.
One of my favorite run days of the year is January 1. It is a day that while many are making promises to exercise or lose weight, I go up and do a long hour run in the mountains. This year, January 1, 2023, I put my running gear on and drove to the mountain trailhead. The closer I came to the trailhead, the more apprehension I felt. I began to dread running on the mountain trails today. What used to seem like fun was replaced with a scary feeling. “When will I break my leg” kept going through my mind?
I finally decided not to run anymore (at least on these trails). From now on I would hike the trails. Since January, I have made about three hikes each week. On each of my hikes, I have suffered from missing the challenges of trail running, feeling like a coward who quit, and just plain thinking of myself as a loser.
Today, I was experiencing the same feelings when suddenly, I realized that I would now be the one to have an excuse for not running any more. My thoughts went to the numerous times I had encountered others with an excuse for not running. What would I say to the people I met on the trail. Should I apologize for not running? Would they recognize me as the guy who had been running these trails for 12 years? I did not want sympathy, but I was embarrassed before even meeting anyone else on the trail.
I realized that I had never given anyone positive empathy for having to give up their running. My keeping quiet was just an example of neutral empathy. No support, no compassion, no closeness, no connection with how the other person was feeling. Forty years after my counseling sessions, and the best I was doing was negative empathy.
Positive Empathy:
My shoulder hurts now from lifting too many weights yesterday. With Karen gone East to visit her children, I have been doubling down on my exercise schedule. I figured I could catch up and maybe even get ahead for the several days that I missed last month. This idea of “catching up” is stupid. It is fruitless and a waste of time. Furthermore, it is much more likely to result in injury than sticking to a “normal” schedule. So now my shoulder is painful and I have no one around to show me any empathy. Karen would be running some cream or oil in my shoulder or giving me a massage or just telling me that she was worried about me, and that I should take it easy. Karen is my main source of positive empathy.
We all need positive empathy for the pains and outrageous misfortunes that happen to us in life. There are two problems that we may have in getting this positive empathy.
- Too many people like me who are not good at giving positive empathy.
- Not enough people in our lives to give us the empathy we all need on occasion.
What happens to people who live alone or who have few friends? I don’t really have a good answer to this. I realize that there are people who visit shut ins. People who visit prisons. I wonder if this is enough. Some of the studies on happiness suggest that people are less happy than they were years ago.
“While happiness increased globally up until 2011, it has been falling ever since. But this trend masks large differences in happiness across countries, with clear winners and losers.” World Happiness Report
Some questions I have for you:
- Is it possible to give ourselves empathy?
- Can self-empathy replace empathy from other people?
- What happens to people who never get any empathy?
- Thanks for reading. I look forward to hearing your comments or responses.
This week, you will hear from one Jesus of Nazareth. He has been called by many names including: Messiah, Emmanuel, Christ, Lord, Master, Logos (the Word), Son of God and by himself more often The Son of Man. He is often credited with being the founder or perhaps foundation for a popular religion called Christianity. Today, it is difficult to see the link between the teachings of Jesus and many of these so-called Christian religions. I have it on good authority that Jesus never ever preached killing anyone and yet many of these so-called Christian religions are continually waving a banner of mayhem and destruction at those who think differently than they do. Anyway, it is time to let Jesus speak for himself.
I am talking about greed here. I am talking about wanting more and more regardless of the effects it has on the earth. I am telling you that happiness does not come from having more of things. The only true happiness comes from helping others. It is better to share with others who are needy than to amass a fortune that you cannot take with you. Those who berate the tax collector and call him a sinner and cheat are no better than the tax collector. Indeed, those who refuse to pay their fair share for the life they are given are worse than the tax collector. 
I am talking about sin here. I am talking about grieving your mistakes and injustices towards others. No one can walk in this world without hurting others either deliberately or by mistake. But the people who will be comforted in the next world are those who regret their mistakes and injustices and ask for forgiveness. They are the people who acknowledge their sins and mistakes and try to make amends. I was not perfect, and no one born of this world is perfect. The good and just man admits his vices and tries to overcome them. The good and just man tries to make amends to the people he has hurt or abused.
The narcissist and the man full of hubris will do injustice to all they meet. The narcissist thinks that the world revolves around his needs, wants and desires, and is content to ignore the needs and wants and desires of others. The man of hubris is overly prideful and arrogant and thinks that he has earned the right to have more than others. Both feel that everyone else is there to serve their needs and that their needs come before the needs of anyone else. The injustice done by these beliefs amounts to a mountain of intolerance and discrimination towards anyone who is perceived as inferior or beneath their consideration. For this reason, I say “Do not look upon yourself as being better than others. Remember that there but for the grace of God, would you go.”
world. No one who is not seeking righteousness and justice can expect to find peace. I say that your task is to look for justice where there is injustice. To look for goodness where there is wickedness. You can never complete your search. Your hunger will never be sated. Your thirst will never be quenched. Each generation must take up the search because evil is in our own hearts. Only by looking to replace evil with justice and righteousness can the evil that is within us be banished. We are all born with original sin, but the righteous man is the one who overcomes their sinfulness by replacing it with a goodness that transcends earthly needs and desires.
Those who show mercy towards others will have mercy shown towards them. I lived in a time when lepers, Samaritans, non-Jews and many others were thought to be unworthy of mercy. Mercy was always for those in our own tribe. This meant mercy for Jews if you were a Jew. Mercy for Romans if you were a Roman. No mercy was to be shown to the poor for they were lazy. No mercy was to be shown to the sick because they were sinners. No mercy was to be shown to those of other religions because they were “non-believers.”
I say to you that the pure of heart are those with integrity and character. They are without selfishness and seek primarily to do good for others regardless of the cost to themselves. They are not opportunists who try to squeeze the most for themselves at every turn of events. Neither are they sycophants who yield their ideas and actions to others so they can creat more profit for themselves. The pure of heart are not greedy. They are not profit driven. They are not out for fame and fortune. The pure of heart care only about the good they can do for others. Others include the entire human race and not simply those who belong to their tribe or religion or country. Those who put humanity above patriotism, humanity above family, humanity above friendships and humanity above self will surely see God.
Rage, jealousy, ingratitude, intolerance, bigotry and fear are the enemies of peace. Those who want peace must be willing to beat their swords into plowshares. If you follow my Beatitude, you will disarm yourself. You will throw down your guns. You will deactivate your nuclear weapons. You will turn your armies for war into armies for education. There is no peace possible in aggression. There is no peace possible in hatred. There is no peace possible in defensiveness. The only path to peace is to turn the other cheek. How many times have I said you must do this to find peace?
Actions speak louder than words. All those who cry out “Lord, lord” will not enter into the kingdom of heaven. What good is the salt if it has lost its taste? Those who speak beautiful words will not enter my kingdom without beautiful deeds to match their words. I spoke out my ideas and thoughts. I challenged the powers that were corrupt. I was taken up to the mountain and promised fame and fortune and power by Satan if I renounced my beliefs, but I remained steadfast. I was persecuted and crucified, but I never renounced my beliefs. How then do you think you will be saved by being nice to others and by silencing your thoughts in the face of evil? No one who speaks my name should expect to escape persecution. There is no change without struggle and oppression.
Satan: “Do you want to concede and I will just take them all down to Hell?”
God: “The interesting thing about humans is not their stupidity and evilness. It’s the surprising amount of love that they can sometimes show for others. I am ever the optimist. That is my role, to be the Eternal Optimist. I have had hopes since the first cave men and since Moses and Socrates and Jesus and Mohammed and Gandhi and King and Mandela that humans have a spark in them. A spark that when ignited can change themselves and the world into something beautiful. Something that is so beautiful, it is even beyond anything I might have created.”
Satan: “You know I don’t care one way or the other. I have no feelings to be hurt. I cannot gloat or feel any satisfaction. Whenever, a new soul comes down to Hell, it is no sense of pride or satisfaction to me. These humans seem to mistake my logic and justice for evil. I am the parent who dispenses the discipline and they see me as the mean and cruel one.”
Satan: “But they never learn. They are shortsighted, petty, vindictive and greedy. Do you really think they care about your teachings or precious commitment to love and peace? They would rather fight wars and dominate others. They even fight wars in your name. Their religions scream for violence over other religions. Their leaders preach victory over other nations. Their minion’s rape and pillage in the name of some esoteric ideology. They all believe they are superior to each other. They send their own children to die in wars of so called freedom and liberation. They abuse and murder their own spouses at alarming rates. They teach their offspring at an early age to be intolerant of other races. And they pray in your name for the power to be successful in all of these efforts. They invoke prayers to you before murdering millions. How can you listen to these prayers and want to help these hypocrites.”
God: “You count them out too fast. The clock was close to 12 with nuclear weapons but as you noted, they carefully avoided destroying themselves. They are often very shortsighted and many of them will never be long-term thinkers. However, there are enough who care and who are passionate enough about others to help save humanity. I can’t help being filled with astonishment at the love that humans frequently have for each other.”
Aging Capriciously 