3563– Tuesday, July 30, 2019 – Can We Ever Really Find Ourselves?

identity-confusion

Over the years, I have often found myself searching:  Sometimes for my purpose in life, sometimes for the meaning of my life, sometimes for who I really am.  Goals, strategies, plans for my life always seem to revolve around the answers that I find to these questions.  Sometimes these questions seem like fantasies or to paraphrase the famous nihilist philosopher Max Stirner: “Wheels in my Head.”  My wheels spin around and around and around and I wonder if I ever come back to a new place or am I just a hamster on a spinning wheel.

It is very difficult to know anyone else.  I frequently attribute motives and behavior to others based on a very weak assessment of their intent.  We all want to know why someone did something and we assume that if we can only find the right information, we will be able to understand why.  Why did he do this?  Why did she do that?  We are sure the answer must exist.  If only, they had left a note or a manifesto.

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Can we ever learn the real motives of others?  Is it ever possible to walk a mile in anyone else’s shoes?  Do they really know why?  I wonder if it is even possible to know our own selves let alone anyone else.

It is difficult to look into our true selves since a great deal of our ego and self-image is based on skewing the results of what we find.  We paint ourselves as better than we might really be.  We look into a mirror and seldom see how much we have aged.  We look into our hearts and perhaps never see how hard they have become.

I think I am smart and wise, but more often I am just very judgmental.  What seems as a positive trait to me can and does come across as presumptive and derogatory of others.  I prefer to think of myself as intelligent and not judgmental.

I pride myself on being competent.  I always finish what I start.  I believe that I do a good job at everything I do.  But I am dismissive of quitters and I am a perfectionist who looks down at the work of others.  I have very little compassion for people who I think are fuck-ups.  I prefer to think of myself as competent and not compassionless.

I think I am pretty tough.  I am no wimp.  I can take pain, high temperatures, low temperatures, rain or hail and I will slog through the muck and mire with the best of them.  But I am defensive and thin skinned.  It takes very little to rub me the wrong way and then I will launch a withering attack designed to protect myself and preserve my image.  I prefer to anoint myself as tough and not defensive.

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I take no shit from anyone.  I speak my mind.  I voice my concerns and I will defend my positions regardless of who I am dealing with.  Be it boss, client, spouse or friend, I stand up for what I believe.  I often seem angry.  I can be mean, sarcastic and ill-spirited towards friends and foe alike.  I am heedless of when I say things and how I say things.  I am more concerned with being right than understanding what right is.  I prefer to think of myself as a man of integrity and not an angry man.

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I am a very resourceful person.  No matter what the situation, I can usually find a solution to a problem.  I pride myself on being quick thinking and creative.  Pride can lead to intolerance and I am cold to those whom I think are incompetent or who do not measure up to my standards.  I prefer to think of myself as resourceful and not cold-hearted.

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I love creative adventures and delight in coming up with new ideas for places to visit, things to see and events to attend.  I am always on the lookout for novelty and adventure.  Karen lists this as one of the things that she loves about me and how it keeps our relationship interesting.  Talking about places that I have been and things that I have done can be boastful and off-putting to many people.  Who besides Karen and I care that we have been to thirty-three countries?  Seldom, do our children, let alone our friends, want to see all the pictures of the latest trip we have taken.  I prefer to think of myself as adventurous and not boastful.

I pride myself in having a wide range of knowledge about many different subjects.  I read a great deal and I spend a significant amount of time studying and learning about new ideas and new things.  I have always enjoyed being on the forefront of new technology.  To some, I am too opinionated and think I know more than I really do.  Some see my search for knowledge as a way to be superior to other people.  I prefer to think of myself as knowledgeable and not opinionated.

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I think I have a great deal of insight into human nature and I think that I am very tolerant as a result of these insights.  Nevertheless, there seems to be a large group of people who think I am intolerant of their views and opinions.  I am often seen as too opinionated and dismissive of contrary viewpoints.  I prefer to think of myself as insightful and not opinionated.

I am John Persico, a man of intelligence, competence, toughness, directness, resourcefulness, creativity, knowledge and insightfulness.  To others, I am John Persico, a judgmental man who is often without compassion, defensive, angry, cold, boastful, opinionated and intolerant.

Who is the real me?  Like Jekyll and Hyde, who will I be today?  Does anyone see the real me?  Do I see the real me?  Is there a real me?  Am I a chameleon or totally schizophrenic?

“A self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to the child, finished and complete.  A self is always becoming.” — Madeleine L’Engle,  “A Circle of Quiet”

 

 

 

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