This is the second part of a blog that I wrote a few weeks ago. Part one dealt with the issue of death. I was surprised by how many reader comments noted that people do not usually talk about this subject. I realized from listening to several remarks that not only do we face death inevitably as we age but that there is a “journey” to death that we all take. It is the final years of our lives. These final years are perhaps the most important years for many of us. They will certainly be the most difficult.
In this second part, I would like to discuss some ideas for making these last years or twilight years of our lives as happy and successful as they can be. By success, I am not talking about making a lot of money or winning the lottery. Being successful in old age is about living our final years with dignity and integrity. It is not about recapturing our youth, but it is about capturing the maturity that many of us (myself included) never captured when we were younger. There is no merit to the comment that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. I know too many older people who are continually learning and growing in their twilight years.
Letting Go versus Giving Up
Many people confuse letting go with giving up. I know many people who cannot quit work, hobbies, sports etc., that they are no longer capable of doing. A woman friend of mine (who is my age) has recently bought a new motorcycle after crashing her last one. She has for many years had difficulties handling her bikes, but she still insisted after her last accident on buying a new two wheeled bike. Many older people who do not want to give up the sport finally realize that they will be better off with a trike or a three-wheeled motorcycle. They are not giving up the sport, but they are letting go of something that they can no longer do. You are all familiar with the adage of the aging boxer who cannot give up his dreams of becoming a champion again. It is a dangerous dream based on not being willing to let go.
There are going to be many things that we once did as we get older that we either can no longer do or that we cannot hope to do at our former level of performance. Giving up is to quit. I am not advocating quitting. Quitting is a formula for simply accepting death and waiting patiently for it. I have no desire to share such a counsel. I am advising that we realistically appraise our abilities and decide when it is time for us to hang up our spurs or gloves and perhaps pursue some other activity.
I have been running for nearly fifty years now. I know that it gets harder to run each year, but I am still able to comfortably continue my outdoor runs. When the time comes that it becomes too dangerous or too hard, I will either buy a treadmill, switch to bicycling or simply go out for long walks each day. I will let go of running but I will not give up exercising. Not letting go is generally motivated by too much pride and in the case of old age, pride definitely goes before a fall. Witness the number of elderly people who still insist on climbing up on their roofs or getting up on that ladder to fix something. The outcome is too often sadly predictable. As Pete Seeger sang “When will they ever learn.”
Coping
When we were young, we did not put much effort into coping. As we get older, it often becomes more difficult to cope with life. We can become burdened by physical problems, problems with our loved ones, monetary problems, or many other social issues. We need to have ways to cope with these issues as we get older. I have found that we can break coping strategies into two categories: Mental Fitness and Physical Fitness.
- Mental Fitness
Perhaps the most difficult mental challenge we face as we age is to stay engaged in life. Once we are no longer employed, it can seem that life has no meaning. Suicide rates among the elderly are very high and attest to this loss of meaning and purpose as we age.
“Many associate suicides with young people, like troubled teens or twenty somethings who never quite got their lives off the ground. In fact, it is much more common among older adults. According to new figures just released this week from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, the highest rate of suicides in America is among people age 45 to 64. There were more than 232,000 suicides in this age group from 1999 to 2016.” — Forbes, 2018, Older Adults at Greatest Risk For Suicide
I believe that there are three keys to mental fitness. We must stay interested in life, involved in life and active in life.
Staying interested might involve becoming interested. Perhaps when you were working, you were so busy that you had no other outside interests. You now have time to go to the library and find some area of knowledge that you are excited about. The best way to stay interested in life is to keep learning. It might mean continuing to read the paper or read some books or write some papers. Write your memoirs for your family. Too few elderly leave anything behind when they die except a box of lifeless pictures. What about telling your children who, what and why you did the things you did when they were growing up. Chances are they never went to work with you or really understood what you did when they were growing up.
My wife Karen has taken up playing the dulcimer. She plays with a group of other dulcimer players (mostly retired women in Tucson) who go by the name of the Tucson Dulcimer Ensemble. They play at churches, festivals, nursing homes and assisted living centers. I have attended many of these sessions and I can safely say that Karen and her group are deeply appreciated by the older people at these centers who may be too frail to get out to concerts anymore.
Staying involved might mean finding a charity or volunteer group to work with. It might mean taking more time with your family and grandchildren. A good friend of mine who is 86 has become quite involved with several groups including the Rotary, SCORE and a Marine Corp Honor Guard. He told me this past week that he has participated at 451 funerals for former Marines. Lou is involved in life and still making a difference in the lives of others.
Staying active. I am not talking about physical activity here, but activity aimed at exploring the world. Activity aimed at opening your mind to the world around you. One way to stay active mentally is to go someplace you have not been before. Go to a meeting of your political party. Go to a church. Go to a new restaurant. Go to a park, museum, zoo or famous tourist sight. Go anyplace, just don’t sit at home. Become an explorer of life. It is never too late.
Mental health experts will tell you that the best way to fight depression and thoughts of suicide is to stay active. I know many people my age who are finally getting out to see the world. They are taking Senior Classes at their local college, going on cruises, joining hiking clubs or other clubs that help them get out and explore the world.
Karen and I have been to thirty-three countries. We are planning to go to Russia next year. I know neither of us has the energy for the trips that we took forty years ago, but I cannot imagine my life without exploring some new places that I have not been before. We cannot afford to go as frequently as we used to but with some foresight and planning, we can still manage to make a trip every few years. By the way, almost every time we have planned a trip, someone has said “Don’t you think it is dangerous to go there. What about the terrorists?” I assure you that I would rather be shot by a terrorist then die a craven coward in my bed.
- Physical Fitness
There are three components of physical fitness. These are Exercise, Diet and Discipline. I do not have to tell you why physical fitness is important. I doubt if anyone in the world denies the importance of fitness. However, let me tell you a story which I think (sadly) exemplifies the American approach to exercise and diet and discipline.
I walked into a Circle K one morning (Very typical for me each day) and poured a cup of decaf coffee. I walked up to the cashier. She was in her late twenties and quite obese. She must have been following a protocol because she asked me (as all cashiers at Circle K usually did) if I wanted a donut. I replied that “Yes, I wanted a donut, but I did not want the calories.” She answered very solemnly “I used to care but I don’t care anymore.”
The gyms and athletic clubs joke each year about the New Year Goals Effect. Right after New Years (every year) the parking lots at the gyms will be filled to overflowing with new members. Newly minted exercise addicts who have decided to lose fifty pounds, build fantastic muscle and look like Supergirl or Superman. The joke among the fitness crew is that this will only last about six weeks and then the parking lot will return to normal as the new members go back to watching sports and eating potato chips during the “big game.” Every weekend there is a big game. Americans have become the fattest and (dare I say) physically laziest people in the world.
- Exercise:
It does not matter whether you are eight or eighty. Physical exercise is good for you. A good physical regime includes: stretching, strength, balance and cardio. An hour a day, four or five days a week for anyone over sixty is enough to keep you feeling fit and looking fit. The problem you are going to face is that too many regimes are designed for younger people. The idea of “exercise goal setting” is highly overrated for anyone over sixty. I have written a blog on this aspect of fitness which has a great deal of useful information on setting up a realistic exercise program when you are over sixty. Go to How Can We Set Realistic Exercise Goals as We Age?
- Diet:
Moderation and common sense are the two keys here. Every other day some expert or study is telling you that something is good for you or bad for you. Today, eggs are bad. Tomorrow eggs are good. Today gluten is bad. Tomorrow gluten is good. Today alcohol is bad. Tomorrow alcohol is good. Today butter is bad, tomorrow butter is good. The conflicting studies, reports and information are enough to drive anyone crazy. What I have found over the years is the adage “All things in moderation” is generally a good way to go.
True, some things are definitely bad for some people, even many people. Smoking has no health benefits. Excessive alcohol consumption is not going to do any good for your health. In fact, though, excessive anything from donuts to beef to fish may not be good for you. Our bodies seem to thrive on a balanced diet.
I am a calorie counter. Every day, I enter my calories in an online software program called “Fatsecret.” This program allows me to research calories for thousands of food items, enter them in a calorie spreadsheet and at the end of the day, it tells me how many fat, carbs, proteins and total calories I have ingested. It is easy to use, and I find that when I use it faithfully, I can keep my weight and body measurements in acceptable ranges. I use a weight scale at home which measures about six different body factors to monitor my health. These scales are cheap to purchase and easy to use. I calculate my body indexes about every six months or so. It takes less than one minute on the scale and then I enter the data in an Excel Spreadsheet. As of this month, my latest data is:
Body fat: 18.1
Muscle: 29.9
Bone: 4.6
TBW: 67
BMI: 24
Weight: Average for this month – 149.42
I enter the following data from my annual physical into my spread sheet as well to help me track trends and to see whether I am maintaining, declining or improving. Trend data is much more relevant for determining health priorities than single data points taken once per year. Few if any doctors routinely track trend data for their patients. My latest annual physical gave me the following data:
Glucose: 92
Total Cholesterol: 211
HDL: 71
LDL: 128
Blood pressure: 115/70
Resting pulse rate: 60
- Discipline:
The last factor in staying physically fit is discipline. You might think that some of the above is “overkill.” What you need to remember is that you do not have to enter data every day. If you manage to do two out of every three days in the month, you will still have plenty of data to manage your diet and health. There are many days when Karen and I are traveling, when I forget, when we are busy with friends or when we are at someone else’s house, that it is difficult to chart any data. I do not worry. Just like you do not have to exercise every day to be healthy, you do not have to chart data every single day. If you manage to get sixty percent of your days charted, you will be doing great. I set my goal at sixty percent for the month in terms of charting as well as days to exercise. If I miss my goal, I simply try again next month. The secret is to keep trying and not to give up. If I have a bad month, I get up and try again next month.
Thinking back to the joke about health wannabees on New Year’s Day trying to get fit in less than six weeks. It probably will not happen. Some will make it to fitness, but it is not a six-week project, it is more likely (depending on your present level of fitness) a two to three-year project. What will separate the winners in this battle from the “wannabees”, is simply the factor of discipline and determination. Can you get up today and go to the gym? If not, can you get up tomorrow and go to the gym? Can you manage to go to the gym at least 35 percent of the days in this month? Can you manage 25 percent? My goal is sixty percent. Many months I do not make this goal. I try again the next month. Goals are not etched in stone. You need to be determined and disciplined but you also need to be flexible and fallible. We are all only human and we will fail, time and time again. It takes discipline to keep trying and not to give up.
There are two more segments to aging that I would like to cover, but I fear that this blog has become too long. In part three, we will look at what I call “Facing Reality” issues as well as the problem of “Economics.” This latter issue will address money problems, budgets and finances as we age. I specifically want to deal with those of us who are not rich and did not set aside enough to simply live happily ever after with no worries about money. I for one need to be concerned about money every day, but I do not use the term worry since I generally have some things under control. I want to share with you some of my strategies in these areas next blog.
Time for Questions:
What did you find helpful in my blog? What ideas will you try? What strategies have you found that you think help you to age gracefully? Can you share your ideas in the comments section?
Life is just beginning.
“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.” ― Gabriel Garcia Marquez
I had just finished my PhD program in Training and Organization Development and joined the consulting firm of Process Management International. One of the founders Lou Schultz was a follower and friend of Dr. Deming and I was soon introduced to Dr. Deming and his world. It was a world based on 14 Principles of Management which defied everything I had been taught in my business classes at the University of Minnesota. Dr. Deming, upon meeting me, challenged me with the comment that “Everything they taught you in your business classes is wrong.” I was stunned and somewhat chagrined by his comment. It struck me as rude and extremely arrogant. In six months, I learned that Dr. Deming was more than fifty percent right. Inside of three years, I learned that he was at least ninety nine percent right. Do not think I was brain washed. I have always verified new knowledge by theory and personal experience. Considering the hypothesis that Deming threw out, I was provided a new theory. I became religious about testing his ideas to see if he was wrong. Time and time again, Deming proved correct.
Let me illustrate the problem addressed by this question with an example from my own life. Several years ago, I had just turned sixty years of age and I thought it would be cool to be able to do twenty pullups. I could usually do about ten or so and so I thought it would be a snap to increase my routine and get to the goal of twenty. At first, I simply increased the number of pull-ups I did each week but this did not work very well as I soon plateaued. I then decided to find some “established” routines. These established routines generally involved doing at least three sets three times per week and having the number of repetitions in each set increasing each week. The formula upon which these increases were based was never disclosed.
In hopes of salvaging the program, I would often drop back to the previous level and try to continue my progress. However, every time I started to progress again, I would reach a point where my body could not obtain the increases dictated by the regime I had selected. I once reached as high as sixteen pull-ups before I crashed. The crashes would usually take the form of having an acute muscle pain or sometimes getting sick and not feeling like I had the energy to continue. Laying off for two weeks or so to recover, I would find that when I tried to start the program again, I had now dropped down to a much lower level than I had previously attained. It was like starting all over again. Over the years, trying to reach my twenty pull up goal, I have felt like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill and nearly reaching the top only to have the rock roll all the way down again.
The fourth question you will want to address concerns the sustainability of your goals. I raise this question since the Second Law of Thermodynamics says that all systems will deteriorate unless energy is put into them. Our bodies are simply physical and biological systems interacting with our environment. Over time the energy that we can put into our systems will inevitably decrease with age.
Six thousand years ago, a prudish God threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Evil for fornicating. He foolishly put a nude man and a nude woman together with a few apple trees and told them that they could do anything but fuck each other. Naturally, given human nature and the DNA that God so wantonly created, Adam and Eve got bored with paradise and a bit of horny in the bargain. It did not help that Eve looked pretty hot with no clothes on and that Adam was very well endowed.
Six thousand years later and God is still a prude. You still can’t walk down the street nude. Women can’t show their breasts in public and men cannot show their pubic areas. You certainly can’t have sex in public. Natural human activities include eating, sleeping, working and sex. However sex is not really included when we talk about public or “au natural” activities. You can spread a blanket out in any park and have a picnic. Try spreading a blanket out in a park and start fornicating and see how long it takes before you are arrested. Cops still patrol “lonely hearts areas” looking to bust people doing “it” in the back seat of their car.
For six thousand years, people, governments and society had been hung up and intolerant towards sex. It would be foolish to say that we have remained in the Dark Ages, Victorian Ages or Middle Ages in our attitudes towards sex. We have simply remained with the attitudes that we got from God in the Garden of Evil way long before these time periods. Then came the sixties and the “Free Love Movement!” The “Free Love Movement was an effort to create a more open and tolerant attitude towards sex. The result was labeled as promiscuity. (Promiscuity means that you are having sex with someone but I am not.) People picked up books on sex that were written by Wilhelm Reich, who became known as the prophet of Free Love.
The Sexual Revolution of the sixties as well as the Women’s Liberation Movement (perhaps its third reincarnation) led to some major changes in the way sexuality is now played out in society. Women started wearing sexier clothes and the clothes have continued on a sexier and sexier spiral ever since. While women are still fighting for the right to expose their breasts in public, sex out of wedlock has become common. There is no longer any expectation that sex partners will be married or that sex will even lead to marriage. Condoms are as ubiquitous as lollipops and are now distributed in schools.
In our 21st century hook-up culture, friends with “benefits” have become the norm. Television, movies and commercials all portray scenes of sex that censors would have cut to pieces even twenty years ago. The dividing line between pornography, erotica and sexy has become ever more blurry if it even exists at all. We have not quite come to commercials showing two people openly having sex, but it certainly would not be a shock or surprise to anyone today. Books and literature describe sex acts from sodomy to bondage that are simply taken for granted or read on the sly. The censorship that accompanied “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” is a thing of ancient history.
Sex may be more open but it is still not considered as natural a function as sleeping or eating. We still have parents who have a difficult time discussing sex with their children. This is true even when their children are now adults. We still use euphemisms like “doing the dirty” or “doing the nasty” to refer to an act of passion and sometimes even love. We walk on tiptoes around young children as though they don’t watch TV or go to the movies. When I was a young child, I was taught in school that masturbating would either make my cock fall off or grow hair on it. Both seemed like undesirable outcomes when I was eight years old.
with a prostitute, street walker, call girl or “escort” may get you a jail sentence. The female side of the equation is usually locked up until a fine is paid. Many zealous police departments throughout the US occasionally decide that they can better stamp out sex by jailing the John and not the “sex worker.” A former CEO of my spouse was arrested several years ago in such a sting when he decided to take a mid-morning break from his job with an “escort” he met on Craig’s list. Both the police department and his company frowned on this. He was arrested, released later in the day and fired from his million dollar a year CEO job before the sun set that evening. The moral here is that you don’t do sex on the job or at least you don’t get caught.
Now love and sex are certainly not the same thing. Sex is much easier to define, unless you are into politics in which case “sex” often becomes a very ambiguous affair. For most of us though, it is rather clear when and if we have had sex. Sex is a physical affair. Love on the other hand is an emotional affair. Philosophers, poets, prophets and authors throughout history have tried to define love and yet we still do not really know what it is. We use the term in very strange ways. “I love you” we say to friends, relatives, spouses and even strangers. I love my cat. I love my house. I love my new steak knife set. Father Stochel at the Demontreville Retreat Center used to make fun of a class taught by Professor Leo Buscaglia with the words “luv, luv, luv, everywhere you look everyone is in luv.” Buscaglia created a popular course at the University of Southern California during the eighties and became known as “Dr. Love.”
The question that haunts many of us is where does sex leave off and love begin or sometimes vice versa? Where does love leave off and sex begin? I have little doubt that if “love makes the world go round and money greases the wheel” it will be many decades and generations before love really becomes free. It is just too valuable an enterprise to allow it to become as common as picnics in the park. Sexy people will continue to be thought of as sinners and virgins will continue to be our erstwhile saints. Men and women will both continue to be torn between the saint and the sinner. Women will continue their love affairs with the “bad” guys and men will continue their love affairs with the “evil” women. Society will continue its schizophrenic relationship with sex where on the one hand we all want as much of it as we can get and on the other hand, we don’t want to be labeled as sinners. There are few saints associated with an excess of sexual activity either in God’s Garden of Evil or the 21st Century.
Aging Capriciously 