aging | Aging Capriciously

Stages of Aging

05 Aug 2022 7 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, assisted living, cemetaries, empty nester, nursing homes, retiree, snowbirds, travel trailers

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For many years now, I have wondered about the way we live life as we get older. Psychologists and scientists have studied the “growing” process for children and young adults but little or nothing has been done to look at the aging process for older adults. You can look at developmental stages for infants, children, young adults and to some extent adults through middle age. These stages describe changes in motor skills, social skills, cognitive skills, and language skills. The changes in skills are described chronologically. As one goes from infant to adult our skills in these areas undergo profound changes. People like Haim Ginott, Jean Piaget, Arnold Gesell, Eric Erikson, Lawrence Kohlberg and many others have all contributed to our understanding of how we develop from infants to adults.

Unfortunately, there are few if any studies that show how people age after they become adults. It is assumed that adults simply grow old and die. My wife who worked in home care for many years described three stages that were used by home care people to relate to the aging population. They were active elderly, pre-frail elderly and frail elderly. These stages describe differences in physical capacity, cognition, and quality of life. The problem with these stages is that they are too broad and do little to describe the developmental pattern of many aging adults.

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Over the years, I have thought about a way to describe the changes that I see many of my aging friends going through. I can see why it is difficult to find any uniform stages because illness and other problems of the aged impact any linear timelines that can be uniformly ascribed to getting older. We see people who are still active when they are in their nineties and people who are sick and bedridden in their sixties. Differences in lifestyle have a major impact on how people age.

However, I have recently thought of one series of changes that I see many aging people going through. These changes do not center or focus on physical change although they parallel to some extent the changes that are taking place both physically and cognitively. The changes I refer to are based on domicile. As we age, we change our living arrangements in terms of scope and scale. We change the size of the place where we live and we change the amenities that are offered in our living places.

I want to describe one pattern of changes that I have seen happen many times now with friends and relatives and neighbors. My caution to you is that not all aging people will go through these domicile changes. For reasons dealing with incomes, social arrangements, ethnicity, culture and health, many aging people may remain in one place for all of their lives. The ideal way to die is often described as to be in bed with no pain and surrounded by your loved ones in your own home. I have seen this happen but perhaps not as often as we would hope for. Thus, the following sequence of “stages” in aging that I describe are centered on changes in residency and are by no means immutable or universal.

Dates are approximate for each of my stages.

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Empty Nest: 44-60

Your children are off to college or jobs, and you are still working. You have this entire house to yourself except for when your kids stop by to drop their laundry off or for a free meal.

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Downsizing Home and Snow Birding: 60-70

You have either retiring or are getting ready to retire. The house that you have lived in for many years now seems much too big. Your children have moved away to follow their jobs and you hardly see them anymore. You decide to purchase a new home or condo and simplify your life. You get rid of much clutter, move to a less crowded location. You now spend winters going down to Arizona, Florida, Texas, or California. The old bones do not seem to like the cold weather and the tropical breezes feel great on your arthritis.

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No More Snow Birding: 70-75

Going back and forth has gotten to be too much. You had to make a choice and your chose the tropical weather over the snow and cold of your old home. You moved down south permanently, and you decide to stick it out through the really hot weather. You crank the air-conditioning up when needed and stay inside. It is still easier with no snow or ice to deal with, and the humidity is low and that feels good. Your new home is small, but it is comfortable and easier to maintain. Taxes are lower and upkeep is lower as well.

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Aches and Pains and Missing the Kids: 75-80

Even a smaller home is hard to manage on your own. You decide to move back to your roots. Most of your children also seem to be there now. You sell your tropical paradise, and you find an apartment or small home close to your kids. You are back in the cold and blustery winter weather, but you really do not get out much. You get to see your children more and they are there to help you when you need it. Much of your time is spent in doctors’ appointments.

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Assisted Living Home: 80-85

You just can’t do the things that you used to do. Even a small apartment is too much to manage on your own. The kids do not feel that you are safe by yourself. They convince you to move into an assisted living center. It is a beautiful place with birds and fish tanks and many activities for seniors. You really did not want to go but you had no choice.

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Nursing Home: 85-90

You can’t get around on your own. You can no longer prepare your own meals. You have a hard time even getting dressed. Your kids felt it was for the best. Everyone seems sleepy and somnolent. You don’t like the ambiance at all. They bring in entertainment once a week and when you are able you participate. Your children stop by every so often.

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Hospice Care: Near the End of Life

It just seems like yesterday that you were a little kid. Your mom and dad would take you to the beach in the summer and you would build castles in the sand. Your grandmother would take care of you sometimes and tell you stories about life when she was growing up. You were always getting into a fight with your older brother. Where are they now you wonder? It has been so long since you have seen them.

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Cemetery: The End

I never thought it would be like this when I died. I understand why no one ever came back to tell me. All my old friends are here along with my mom, dad, brother, and grandparents. It is like a great big reunion. I don’t feel old anymore and all my arthritis is gone. I don’t know why I was so hesitant to come here. It is a beautiful happy peaceful place. It is my favorite place of all.

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PS:

I realize that the scenarios I am sketching are highly restrictive and do not apply to a large majority of the human race. I am describing my experiences to date as a middle class, white somewhat educated male with a wife and several children. The above stages are related to my experiences and while I believe that many people will identify with them, they are far from being a definitive description of the stages that all humans on this planet will experience.

The Man Who Wanted to Die Last

26 Jul 2021 4 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, care giving, compassion, death, dying, love, sacrifice

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Most men I know when you start talking about death and dying usually say that they hope they die before their partner. The motive is quite obvious. Who wants to be alone. There is almost nothing worse than loneliness for human beings.

Now imagine spending forty or fifty years living with someone. You eat together, sleep together, travel together, make love together, raise children together, work together, talk together, and laugh together. This goes on for year after year. In a happy marriage or partnership, the relationship is one of joy and delight.

269318614.gallery Now suddenly your partner for one reason or another is gone. She or he passes away. You come back to your home after the funeral and well-wishers have left, and you are now alone. You are more alone than you have ever been in your entire life. You go from room to room and no one else is there. The bedroom is empty. The kitchen is empty. The living room is empty. You notice the picture of you and your spouse at your anniversary party hanging on the wall. It brings back memories and tears. Every day for many days, objects, thoughts, and reflections will bring back good times and bad times that you shared with your lover. You will reflect over and over again about these past times. No doubt you will feel remorse about some things that you did and wish you could undo. You will also miss the fun things that you enjoyed together and the many good times that you had together.

The above scenario is very sad. But there is one way you can avoid it. You can pray that you pass away before your spouse or partner or loved one does. Leave the planet earth sooner than they do and avoid the pain and heartache that comes with the death of your beloved. This is the solution that I have hoped for many times. I have always planned to leave my wife financially well off so that when I do go to the vast beyond, she can continue to live a happy life. I thought this sounded like a grand plan until the following incident occurred. It left me feeling selfish and self-centered.

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It all began with a mission retreat that Karen and I started going on several years ago. A good friend organizes the trip twice a year to bring food and needed items to an orphanage in Sonoita, Mexico and a Saint Vincent de Paul center in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. We have as many as 15 cars in an auto caravan bringing items down. Volunteers from Casa Grande, Eloy, and Arizona City (many from local churches as well as friends of Evelia) will join the caravan each year. We typically leave on a Friday and come back on a Monday. While down in Mexico, we stay at Puerto Penasco and enjoy the beach, ocean, and seafood for a few days before coming back across the border.

Each evening after dinner, we enjoy food, dancing, and music at the Playa Bonita restaurant. It is right on the beach and while enjoying shrimp cocktails, we watch the most beautiful sunsets I have seen anywhere. As night falls, a band or singer will begin entertaining our group. Evalia loves to dance and will make sure that we all have a spin with her on the dance floor. The dance floor is outside where we eat. Almost always the weather is balmy and comfortable. Infrequently one might need a shawl or a sweater but an active time on the dance floor will mitigate any night chills.

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One night after dinner and drinks, three of us, Steve, Alexandro, and myself decided to go sip some tequila and smoke some cigars where it would not impose on anyone’s sense of smell. We typically go out to the back of the restaurant. There are a few round tables there and it is quite secluded.

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Steve is Evelia’s son, and he often comes on the mission tours. He is a real nice guy who was studying to be a deacon in the Catholic Church. He married an Italian woman who is a medical doctor but after several years of trying she has been unable to acquire a permanent work visa for the USA. Steve and Julia now reside in two countries. Steve in the USA and Julia in Italy. They reunite frequently in either Italy or the USA. I think it is Steve’s plan to eventually join Julia in Italy. Steve owns a management consultant firm and does not want to retire yet.

I had never met Alexandro before. This was his first time on a mission retreat, and I never saw him again after this night. We did some brief introductions, shared the bottle of tequila, and lit our cigars. We chatted about the usual subjects, politics, wives, sports etc. As the conversation became deeper and more serious, we started talking about aging and the impacts it was having on each of our lives.

Alexandro told us that his wife was an invalid and severely disabled. She required considerable medical care. He was the primary caregiver as they had no provision for medical assistance in the home. It was evident form our conversation that Alexandro spent a large amount of time and effort in providing compassionate care for his wife.

I began thinking about how much love we all seemed to have for our spouses. I started thinking about what I would do without Karen who provides so much compassion for me when I am sick or when I need support. I could not imagine a life without her. I stated emphatically that I hoped I did not ever have to deal with a life alone. It was my desire to die first to avoid the pain of heartache and loneliness.

Alexandro spoke up and his words surprised me. He said, “I hope my wife dies first.” I could not believe what I had just heard. My immediate thought was “What a selfish bastard! He wants his wife to die before he dies so that he will not have to take care of her anymore or deal with her problems.” I remained silent for a minute or so while I wondered how any person could be so heartless. My curiosity finally got the better of me and I asked Alexandro “Why do you want your wife to die first?” He replied “My wife needs so much care and there is no one else around who could provide enough care for her. I do not want to think of her alone and without me to provide the care.”

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I heard Alexandro’s explanation and suddenly I was inundated by a tsunami of guilt and an earthquake of self-reproach. How could I have thought so miserably of a man with so much character that he would sacrifice himself for his spouse? On the other hand, how could I be so selfish that all I could think of was that I wanted to die first to avoid the feelings of loneliness and heartache that accompany the death of a loved one.

I sat speechless for quite a while as I reflected on my thoughts about what I had just heard. Never before had I heard anyone say anything like Alexandro did. It never occurred to me that my life and my feelings are not the hub of the universe. The sun does not rise and set by how I feel or how I should feel. “Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” When we are confronted with the suffering of another, it means that we will take steps to help relieve that suffering. Perhaps suffering for another person may not mean dying for them, perhaps it means living for them.

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The Old Woman Who Wanted to Be a Pilot

22 Jul 2021 4 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, counseling, dreams, employment, goals, humility, jobs, pilots

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I would like to tell you a story that led me to a principle that I have used over and over again in my life. The story begins in 1979. I had just received my M.S. degree in Counseling from the University of Wisconsin – Stout. I began applying for jobs where I could use my degree. I also took the Wisconsin test for state employment.

I did well on the state employment test and after an interview process, I was hired by what was then the Department of Industry, Labor and Human Relations (DILHR) as a Manpower Counselor 2. I was officially a counselor in the Work Incentive Program (WIN). I would be in charge of the WIN Program as well as a number of other programs including, Labor Education Advancement Program (LEAP), Indochinese Refugee Assistance Program (IRAP) and the Job Training Partnership Act (JTPA). I would have offices in two counties. One office was in Ellsworth, Wisconsin in Pierce County. The other office was in Hudson, Wisconsin in St. Croix County. I was then living in River Falls, Wisconsin which was almost dead center between my two offices.

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Each day my job consisted of basically trying to help people find employment. Depending on their ages, genders, skill levels and aptitudes, I had a variety of resources to help them find a job. Some of my resources included, employer incentives, apprenticeship training, on-the-job-training, education benefits and a variety of tools to help my clients gain the needed skills to find and seek employment. I also had a large data base of employment openings that were furnished daily by the head office in Madison, Wisconsin.

My counseling program at Stout was led by a grand educator named Evelyn Rimel. She was dedicated to the counseling program and would do anything she could to help her students learn the skills they needed to become good counselors. Dr. Rimel was born in September 1911 and died in August 2009 one month shy of her 98^th birthday. She was a remarkable woman. The following poem which she wrote expresses her ideas and goals in life. She was 42 years old when she wrote this poem and numerous people will vouch for her devotion to this vision.

I’d like to think when life is done,

That I had filled a needed post;

That here and there I’d paid my fare,

With more than idle talk or boast;

That I had taken gifts divine,

The breath of life and womanhood mine,

And tried to use them, then and now,

In service to my fellow man.

Evelyn received many awards during her lifetime. When she died she was the oldest living and longest-serving member of the American Association of University Women, a national organization to which she belonged for more than 75 years.

Evelyn was the prime mover in the counseling program at Stout and no one who was accepted into the program could ignore her influence on what they would learn. For instance, employment and school counselors are taught to use many tests such as the GATB, SATB, Kuder Richardson and Strong Campbell to help profile job applicants and identify their strengths and weaknesses. Dr. Rimel would hear nothing about weaknesses. She told us that these tests were only pointers and not conclusive evidence of what someone could or could not do. I still remember what Evelyn said but at the time it seemed very theoretical. I would not learn the real meaning of her message until I met this client who came into my life a year or so later.

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The year was 1980 and I was in my office in Hudson when an older woman came in to see me. She asked if I could help her find a job. I was 34 years old at the time and it was early in the year 1980. The economy was not doing so well, and it was difficult to find decent paying employment in our area. I asked her to take a seat and how could I help her? She told me that her name was Margaret and that her husband had recently passed away. They had raised four children and she had been a stay-at-home mom. She had no schooling or formal training beyond high school. She was 68 years old and did not have enough money to live on. She needed to find a job to supplement her social security income.

FYC.adviser.0020-16x9-1-1024x576 I asked her if she had any idea what she could do. She replied that she did not. I suggested that she take an employment aptitude test to see what kinds of work she might find interesting. It was all very theoretical to me, but I could not imagine what kind of work I could find for her in the local area that would pay enough for her to live on. She did not have any current job experience and no goals for a career. The aptitude test was simply an effort to do something even though I did not believe that I could help her much.

She agreed to take the test which I then administered. When she had finished the test, I told her that I would need to have the test scored. We setup an appointment for the following week to meet again. I sent the test in to be scored and the results came back before our next appointment. When I reviewed the results, I was incredibly surprised. I even laughed at the findings of the test. The test showed Margaret’s highest aptitude to be that of an airline pilot. I laughed because in 1980 there were few women finding employment in the commercial airline industry as a pilot and even fewer who were 68 years of age. Not to mention, a woman with no prior flight experience or military experience. Back in the 80’s, many commercial airline pilots came from the ranks of retired or former military pilots.

I chalked Margaret’s results up to a curious irregularity in the testing results or an anomaly that could probably not be explained. I was not willing to put any credence into the test and totally ignored Evelyn’s caveat about using employment tests as pointers and not as conclusive evidence. When Margaret arrived at my office for her appointment we sat down to discuss her results and what our next steps might be. I started the conversation off by a dismissal of the test findings. “Margaret, these tests are frequently not accurate. This test showed your number one aptitude to be that of an airline pilot.” She looked down at the floor and then up at me. Speaking directly into my face, she solemnly said, “When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an airline pilot, but my parents and teachers all told me it was impossible. Girls could never be commercial airline pilots.”

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I don’t really remember the rest of the conversation that day or whether or not I ever found a good job for Margaret. What I do remember and will never forgot was my narrow mindedness and smugness. I had totally written off the possibility that Margaret could ever be an airline pilot.

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I mentioned at the start of this story that I gained a principle from this episode that I have used the rest of my life. The principle was this: I would never ever tell anyone, client, student, relative or friend that they could not do something or be something. From Margaret, I realized that one of the things that holds us back are other people who tell us what we can or cannot do. I have previously told the story of my spouse Karen who was advised by her high school guidance counselor that she could never be a nurse because of her low science aptitude scores. Karen ignored this “helpful” advice and spent over 55 years in the medical field as a registered nurse and nurse manager.

“Love what you do and do what you love. Don’t listen to anyone else who tells you not to do it. You do what you want, what you love. Imagination should be the center of your life.” —Ray Bradbury.

The Fear of Aging or the Aging of Fear

21 Jun 2021 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, growing old, happiness, life, old age, success

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Have you noticed that some of your friends are less bold than they used to be? The older people get, the more things they seem to be afraid of. Some people are afraid of aging, but many more people exhibit what I call the “Aging of Fear.” Wise people tell us that fear is natural and healthy, but it can also be unnatural and unhealthy. The healthiness of fear depends on two things.

First, how realistic are your fears? The reality of fear can be thought of as a form of risk analysis. We all conduct our lives with an intuitive analysis of the risks that our behaviors either entail or might entail. Frequently, these risks are distorted by emotions and perceptions. If I live in Wisconsin, I should be more worried about bee stings or a tick bite than a shark attack or a tiger eating me. It would be unrealistic to worry about things that are less likely to happen. Surprisingly, many people are more afraid of things that have a low-risk potential than things that have a higher risk potential. (What’s the Risk?)

bearsafety_3_1 Second, what are you going to do about your fears? Fear is an adaptive mechanism. It helps to keep you alive. If you are in the woods and walking down a trail and see a large bear or cougar coming towards you, it is quite healthy to have some degree of fear. But fear alone is not going to save your life. If you are paralyzed with fear you may just be eaten. Fear is an alarm. An alarm sounds to wake us up. The next step is to do something. Doing something is a risky effort with no guarantee of success. Sadly, there are few guaranties in life, but the evidence seems to suggest that doing nothing is worse than doing something. This is where forethought and preparedness come in. One of my favorite quotes is by the Roman philosopher Seneca (died 65 CE) who once said that “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

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People who think ahead and try to identify potential negative consequences of their actions have a better chance of survival than people who do not plan ahead. The Titanic is a great example of poor planning brought on by hubris. They were so confident that the spotter in the Crows Nest did not even have a pair of binoculars. In chess, a good player looks at lines of play to see what might happen given any particular move on their part. Strategic thinking entails looking into the future to see how our behaviors or actions will play out. If I do this, what might happen? The more we look into the future the greater the odds become in our favor for getting the results we want. It is of course impossible to identify every conceivable consequence either intended or not of our actions. Life is frequently about dealing with unintended consequences but there is little doubt that the Boy Scout motto of “Be Prepared” has a lot going for it.

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The “Aging of Fear” is what I see in so many people who grow more and more afraid of life with each passing day. I have friends who will not travel anymore. Some of my friends are afraid to travel by plane. Some have purchased concealed carry permits to protect themselves against an unknown assailant. Every day more and more people in America seem afraid of something. There are efforts to protect ourselves as we get older that make sense. I have given up motorcycling. Most of the people I used to ride with have also given the hobby up. Falling off a motorcycle at the age of 75 or older will likely bring many more injuries to the human body than falling off the same motorcycle at the age of 25. Anybody over sixty getting up on a roof in winter needs to have their head examined. Older bodies are not as resilient as younger bodies.

Knowing when to hold them and when to fold them is one of the secrets of growing older gracefully and living a long and healthy life. But planning for unintended consequences is equally as important. There is a balance here that we need to find, adjust, and continually readjust as we get older. It is a not a static effort that you do today and that is the end of it. Each day requires rethinking and readjusting what we can do and what we should do. The conscious reflective activity is crucial. Without an intelligent appraisal of life, fear can put us in an early coffin.

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The coffin might be our bed or our home or our neighborhood. A coffin is a metaphor for a set of boundaries. The realism of our boundaries is vital. Too many boundaries and we are not living but too few and our lives can be cut short much sooner than then they need to be. One of my favorite motorcycle aphorisms was “If I ride like there is no tomorrow, there won’t be.” I would tell myself this each time I got in the saddle of my Yamaha Super Sport R1 and went for a ride.

download Dylan Thomas said, “Do not go gentle into that good night.” I don’t know about the raging part of his poem. I prefer thinking about my life as I get older and not raging. But he makes a good point. It is all too easy to give up on life as we age. We can live in memories of what we used to do, or we can find new activities and new levels to pursue old activities at. For instance, I may not have the stamina to play tennis or racquet ball anymore, but I can still play pickleball or go for a short ride on my bicycle. I used to do six-minute miles in road races. My personal best was 38.48 on a 10K. The race I ran for Frederic Family days this year on June 12, 2021, I averaged 10.14 per mile for a 5k. Quite a bit off of my pace from years ago but I still got my t-shirt. I run for t-shirts these days and not trophies.

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To conclude. Don’t let aging or fear rob you of living. Well thought out days with lots of contingency plans can help you to continue to live a full and happy life. Look around you for the 80, 90 and even 100-year-old elders who are still out there enjoying life. What keeps them ticking is not giving up but meeting each day as a challenge to live life to the fullest.

3494– Monday, October 7, 2019 — Can We Really Grow Old Gracefully? – Part 2

07 Oct 2019 5 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, exercise, fitness, friends, friendships, happiness, health, hope, kindness, optimism, physical activity

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This is the continuation of an article I started which might have been called the “Top Ten Attributes for Growing Old Gracefully.” In Part 1, I described attributes 1 through 5. I also noted that two of my very good friends had been ill for some time and were not expected to live out the year. One of these good friends, died two days after I published Part 1 of this article. He was a unique individual about whom I wrote the following to some common friends the day after he died:

“I will always remember Sam for his brilliance and intellectual rigor. I do not think I have ever met anyone with a greater knowledge of the world than Sam. He was my first mentor out of graduate school, and I learned almost all I know about consulting from the work that we did together at International Nickel in Canada. He was kind and gracious to a fool that knew little or nothing about the consulting world. Over the years, we had our ups and downs, but Sam always helped me when I was in need of advice or guidance.”

“The world is truly less of a place for me and many others without Sam.”

I must say a word about the validity and reliability of the ideas that I am presenting here. I believe in them with my whole heart and soul. Everything about life that I have learned up to this point says that they are the keys to a happy old age. A friend whom I have found since writing my blogs left a comment in Part 1 where she said: “I hope you are following this excellent advice, John! I replied: “Jane, I wish I could honestly say that I always do but that is not always the case.”

For me, I am somewhat like the alcoholic with good intentions who occasionally falls off the bandwagon. Looking at each of these attributes, I have good days and bad. But somehow, I climb back up out of whatever is bothering me, and I start again. I have days when I am not grateful or have very little sense of humor. I have days when I can find no joy in life and days when I can find no purpose or meaning in what I am doing. But I know that “this too will pass” and that it is important not to give up. Growing old is a journey that only ends when it will be too late for you to do anything about it. But as long as we are alive, we can do our best to enjoy the journey. So, here are the rest of the key attributes that will help you grow old gracefully and enjoy the trip. Following are attributes six through ten.

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Kindness

This is a simple one. Do something kind for someone each day. Make someone else happy by sharing your good fortune, knowledge, skills or abilities with another. It is often easier said than done though. We get so busy with our own problems that it is easy to forget the needs of those around us. Very few people will wake up today and jump out of bed with joy at being alive. For many people, the kind word or deed that you can do for them will give them the strength to live another day or to have a day with joy and happiness.

A funny thing happened to me this afternoon while I was on my way to see a play called Pipeline at Penumbra Theater in St. Paul. An old rumpled homeless looking man on a bicycle asked if I could give him a few bucks for a meal. I was feeling generous, so I pulled out my wallet and took a peek in it. I had a five, a twenty and three one-dollar bills. I grabbed the fiver and handed it to the old man. He took it and thanked me, and I impulsively decided to give him another single. He took the second bill I gave him and let out a rather exuberant exclamation of thanks and gave both me and Karen hugs.

He set off down the street and said that he was heading right to McDonald’s to get a meal to eat. I was still surprised at his extreme gratefulness. Later on, when I went to look in my wallet for some money to pay for some stuff, I found that I still had the three singles but no twenty. I suddenly realized why the old feller had been so ecstatic. I had given him the five-dollar bill and the twenty-dollar bill. I could have kicked myself in the butt. I told Karen about my unexpected generosity and we both laughed and wondered what he was going to get to eat for the money we gave him. I felt a little stupid giving this much money away but on the other hand, how many times have I wasted three or four times this amount on some impulse purchase that I did not really need. It felt good knowing that I had made somebodies day a little brighter even if it was by accident.

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” — Og Mandino

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Physical Fitness

What is the secret to living a long and health life? Ask anyone who fits this qualification and who is in their nineties and do you know what they will say? “Keep moving!” “Keep moving!” Stay active! Garden, run, swim, bicycle, play Pickleball, walk, do Zumba, do Yoga, do anything but keep your body moving!

I have talked about the need for an exercise plan in many of my other blogs. You have a choice. If you live long enough and stay somewhat reasonably fit, then like our friend Joan, you can still play golf when you are ninety. Or you can sit all day watching TV and become more and more dependent on walkers and canes and surgeries for your ailing joints. Some of the problems of old age are unavoidable but some are due to a lack of good nutrition and good exercise. Keep all things in moderation. You will not be an Arnold Schwarzenegger at 80 but you can still be healthy enough to take trips and spend active time outdoors. The key? Right! Keep moving!

For me, I love having an exercise plan that will adapt to my changing circumstances and that is fun. If you are interested in more information on developing an exercise plan, see my blog at: How Can We Set Realistic Exercise Goals as We Age?

“Those who think they have no time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.” — Edward Stanley

friendship

Friendships

There is a story told about Thomas Jefferson who supposedly attended a fiftieth anniversary party for the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1826. According to the story, Jefferson was not recognized by anyone at the party. He was one of only three surviving members of the original signers who were still alive. The other two being John Adams and Charles Carroll. Jefferson died on July 4^th, 1826 as did John Adams, so I am not sure when the party was actually held. Nevertheless, Jefferson is reported to have said that he felt like a ghost. That he felt like someone living in a time when he no longer belonged.

This story made an impact on me since as we age, we see more and more of our loved ones, relatives and friends pass away. In the picture (top of blog) taken at a wedding for my father’s youngest sister, I am standing to the right in the picture. The wedding was held in 1957. The most remarkable thing about this photo (For me anyway) is that I am the only one left alive in the photo. My sister died of lung cancer several years ago and my two cousins in the photo both passed away. One died of a stroke and the other died younger of suicide.

My Aunt Mary, who is on the right in the picture, (She was my Godmother) died at the age of 103 about four years ago. She too outlived almost everyone in the photo except me. She outlived two of her sons and her husband who are in the picture. I asked my Aunt a few years before she died if she felt like she no longer belonged and that her time had passed. Her answer surprised me. She said “No.” I asked how she managed, and she told me that you must keep making friends. She said that she had made many new friends who cared about her and helped enrich her life. Could this be how she made it to 103 years of age?

The attribute of “Friendship” was mentioned at the Caregiver Conference I attended as one of the most important factors for a happy old age. We cannot bury ourselves in pity or sorrow for the past. Life must go on. As someone said: “Life is for the living.” You are never too old to make new friends.

“If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.” — Zig Ziglar

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Pain Management

Yes, you better believe it. Pain management is a key attribute of growing old gracefully. The older you get, the more pains you will have. You will have pain and if you cannot deal with it, life will be one endless day of misery. The sad fact is that people seem to only know two ways to deal with pain. The first is to see a doctor who will often prescribe surgery. The second is similar, you go to see a doctor, only in this case, the doctor prescribes some sort of pain killer. If you want to know what is causing the pain, which should be the first step towards any diagnosis or remedy, the doctor will be very reluctant to order a Ct scan or MRI due to the cost of such diagnostics. He/she might do some blood tests or other tests that will probably not tell you very much.

More than likely though, your doc will just tell you that the cause of your pain is “Old Age” and your remedy is to live with it. The older you are, the more likely the latter will be your diagnosis and prescription. A few years ago (until the opioid epidemic which doctors and pharmaceutical companies created), they would probably have given you an abundant supply of Oxycontin or Vicodin and told you to go home and swallow a pill.

Now the first step towards pain management is preventive. You guessed it. Exercise and weight control. However, even with diligent exercise you will encounter problems. The chronic pain treatment diagram (I have included above) is one that best fits my ideas of how we should deal with pain. You start with the lowest possible tier with the least side effects and you work up. You do not immediately accept that surgery is the solution. There are more surgeries done in this country that are unneeded than I can count. If you doubt my assertion, then see my blog on the subject where I have written about the epidemic of surgeries which serve only to make more money for doctors. “Should we be cautious when seeing our family doctor?”

I could tell you true story after true story of pains that I have dealt with over the years. Yes, I had prostate surgery and hernia surgery. These required invasive medical procedures and some respite from exercising. But I have had Plantar Fasciitis, Sesamoiditis, Morton’s Neuroma, knee pain, hip pain, shoulder pain, back pain and several other neuromuscular pains. I have not had surgery for any of these. While several of these problems managed to derail my exercise program for some months, I have managed to deal with each of these without surgery and am still running and exercising regularly.

In all cases, I have used the pain management continuum as noted above. Starting with diagnosis (sometimes seeing a doctor but often doing research on the web) and moving up to the first level of diet, exercise and nutrition. My second level would include OTC drugs, lotions like Tiger Balm or now CBD cream and diet supplements like Glucosamine and Turmeric. I have managed to avoid opioids except in one case of dental problems where some implants became infected. My second level also includes things like knee braces and elbow braces to help stabilize the joint until the inflammation went away. My favorite second tier cure is a great massage which if I appear to be in enough pain, my spouse will usually proffer. A massage will not cure the pain, but it helps to alleviate the pain and with other pain management techniques can speed recover.

I will not say anymore about pain management except to be wary of surgery until you have exhausted other less invasive possibilities.

“I’ve dealt with a lot of physical pain, with a lot of emotional pain; anybody’s who’s ever been an alcoholic has handled both of those in extreme.” — Jason Isbell

hope and optimism

Hope and Optimism

I have saved these two attributes for graceful aging for last. I believe these are essential for a happy and complete life. I also believe they are the most difficult to acquire and maintain. How can we be optimistic or have hope when death surrounds us and is the most inevitable fact of our lives? What is there to be hopeful for when your friends and loved ones are dying and you see a future where you are left alone? Sounds pretty bleak doesn’t it?

They say hope springs eternal in the human breast but a simple observation of the people you know, will tell you that is a lie. People give up hope when they are continually beaten down by the daily toil and challenges of life. It should be a great deal easier to be optimistic when you are twenty than when you are eighty, but I doubt whether hope and optimism are linked to aging. (True, the suicide rate for the aged is very high, but some of that may reflect practicality rather than hopelessness. The suicide rate for teenagers is nearly as high as that for the aged.) The simple fact is that some people are more optimistic than others. Some are more hopeful than others.

But hope and optimism are a choice we each can make in how to see life.

I can’t tell you what your hope should be. My hope is that my writing will help you to lead a better life. I am hopeful that something I say and someone who reads what I say will find some value in my ideas.

I can’t tell you what to be optimistic about. I am optimistic about my trip to Russia this coming year. It will be a new adventure and I will go again with my spouse to our 40^th new country. I have always dreamed of taking an express train across Europe and we are going to take the Paris to Moscow Express for our trip into Russia. There are a million things that could go wrong between now and then, but what gain do I have from being negative and pessimistic?

Find your hope and find your optimism. Perhaps they will change each day but without them, your life will be like a life without sunshine

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

3498– Thursday, October 3, 2019 — Can We Really Grow Old Gracefully? Part 1

03 Oct 2019 3 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, courage, gracefully, gratititude, happiness, humor, joy, meaning, purpose

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Let’s be honest. Growing old is not like fine wine aging. Growing old is not “golden years.” Growing old means infirmity. Growing old means watching friends and loved ones suffer and die. Growing old means dealing with pain, doctors, medications, surgery and increasing illness. In short, growing old sucks or does it? Can growing old bring true happiness and meaning to our lives? Can we really grow old gracefully?

Last week I went to a conference on care-giving. My spouse Karen went with me. It was held at the Wisconsin Indianhead Technical College in New Richmond, Wisconsin. The title of the conference was “A Positive Approach to Care.” The keynote speaker and also a workshop presenter was a remarkable woman named Teepa Snow. To paraphrase a famous quote, I would say that the conference was “Not for the faint of heart.” The participants seemed to be divided between professional caregivers like nurses and aides and family members who had care-giving responsibilities thrust on them due to the illness of a loved one. Many more women than men were in attendance, but the demographics of the attendees included young and old alike.

The conference was a challenge for me because it touched on many topics that I would rather ignore. If I can only keep my head down or buried in the ground perhaps the things that they discussed would never happen to me or anyone I love. Of course, this last thought is fake. These things are already happening to many people I know and love. Two of my good friends are in homes as I speak with increasing dementia and not expected to live out the rest of the year. They can no longer recognize old friends or deal with life in the forceful energetic manner that was once typical of them. Before these things can happen to me, I want to run and hide someplace. But there is no where to hide, is there! The alternative is to find a way to succeed in dying and not to let dying succeed in diminishing us. Death can take our bodies, but it cannot take our spirits.

I found ten attributes at the conference from listening to the speakers and observing and studying the stories that were told that I think can help our spirits as we age. I am calling these “The Ten Attributes for Growing Old Gracefully.” I have created a checklist for these attributes which I am going to use on a weekly basis to see how well I have done at following them. If you prefer, think of these ten attributes as a multi-vitamin for emotional aging. You may not need all ten of them each day, but at least one of these each day will certainly do you no harm and may help to make your life easier and happier. The order of these is of no importance.

meaning and purpose

A sense of purpose and meaning

You may well ask “What is the difference between purpose and meaning?” Purpose is the things that you plan to do each day or with the rest of your life. Purpose should be something you enjoy doing and are good at. You get up in the morning with a purpose. Meaning concerns the usefulness or strength of feeling that you have for your purpose. Meaning comes from making a difference in the world or trying to make a difference. Meaning comes from helping others or giving back to the world. Meaning provides the world with beauty and grace. Purpose without meaning is boring.

I like to think that my purpose now is writing. I believe that I write well, and I enjoy writing very much. The meaning of my writing comes from the sense that I hope my writing will help others find peace and joy in their lives. I often receive comments attesting to the fact that others are helped by my writing. This keeps inspiring me and helping me to continue.

“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all; there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” ― Anaïs Nin,

Courage

If you are growing old, there are no doubt days when you wish you could just leave this world. We all have days of depression, misery and pain. Suicide is highest among the elderly. Who among us has not thought of suicide as a viable option to growing old? Thus, the saying that “Aging is not for the faint of heart.”

I have written about my good friend Brian who committed suicide about four years ago. He was 68 at the time. There are many things that could be said about why he chose this path, but they all seem irrelevant now. I miss him and so do many other people. Brian was one of the most positive people you could ever meet. Nevertheless, the prospect of growing old in a nursing home dictated his actions.

Why, you might ask should we have courage when we are going to lose the battle anyway? I guess it all comes down to how you want to face the foe. Do you want to go to your death on your knees or with dignity and grit? I prefer the route of true grit. I try to keep in mind the famous quote from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar: “Cowards die many times before their death, the valiant only die once.”

Perhaps a better reason for courage are the people that love you and care about you. Would they choose that you leave the world earlier or later? What difference can you make to them by choosing courage and the will to live?

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu

humor

Humor

Did you have any fun today? Did you see any humor is some recent news or event where others only see doom and gloom? It is very easy to get all wrapped up in the misery and disasters that plague our daily news. We live in a society that seldom seems to present us with much humor. But what would any life be without some humor.

Each day when I get together with our local library group, we have some fun by laughing at some of the stupidity that surrounds us. A social group that can laugh at the world is helpful to my sanity. One of the guys is always good for laughs since he has a “fun meter” that he uses to gauge our group conversations. It goes from blue to red. When he is enjoying or having fun in a discussion, he moves his fun meter to red. When conversations turns bleak or sometimes idiotic, he moves his meter to blue. Not only is his meter a good source of laughs but he is always good for laughs with some of his other antics.

Can you find one thing each day to laugh about? Do you build some fun into your life? If your answer is no to either of these questions, you really need to start today to have some fun.

“And the sun and the moon sometimes argue over who will tuck me in at night. If you think I am having more fun than anyone on this planet, you are absolutely correct.” ― Hafiz

Finding-Joy

Finding joy in your life

Sounds like the same as finding humor but it is not. Finding joy in your life means to find things each day that you enjoy doing or just simply being. For many people, it means finding ways to help others. It is related to finding a purpose or meaning in life since it is hard to find joy without finding a purpose that makes you happy.

However, finding joy can mean simply enjoying a rainy day. It can mean enjoying a good book or sitting on a beach and watching the tide roll in. I can find joy in doing nothing, but it takes reflection to find joy. You must think about what you are doing. At some point, I say “Wow, I will really enjoy doing this or maybe today I will enjoy doing nothing.” I don’t need a widget or gadget to make my life. I am responsible for my own joy and happiness. It is a thought that makes one miserable or happy and you can find joy in life when you choose joyful thoughts.

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

grateful

Gratitude

St. Ignatius believed ingratitude to be “The cause, beginning, and origin of all evils and sins.” Ingratitude makes us look at things that others have and want them. Ingratitude makes us unhappy and miserable with our own lives. Growing old, it is always easy to look at what others have and find a deficit in our lives. Friends may have more money, bigger homes, better retirement living, more vacations, nicer cars, better physical condition and even “better” grandchildren.

No matter what the world brings, you can always find something or someone who is better, smarter and probably happier than you are. It is not observing these things which will bring you unhappiness. It is forgetting to see the good things in your own life. No matter how bad life is or the cards we are dealt, there is always something that we can find to be grateful for. I love flowers and every day; I look at the flowers that my wife has planted, and I am grateful for her taking the time and effort to try to make our home beautiful. I can easily find people with nicer gardens, more flowers, less weeds, better displays but forgetting to appreciate what I have makes for an unhappy existence.

At the end of each day, see if you can find one thing to be grateful for. If you start thinking about such a list, you will undoubtedly find several things to be grateful for.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

Part 2 – To Be Continued.

I will share my 6 through 10 attitudes for graceful aging in the next blog I post.

3611– Wednesday, June 12, 2019 – Fear of Death and Dying

12 Jun 2019 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, death, dying, fear, happiness, mortality

Have your ever cursed out an “old” driver for going to slow? If so, I am sure that you are not alone. I was once one of those who had no patience for the old folks poking along doing less than the speed limit on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Karen would always remind me that “You will be old someday.” I did not believe it. The problem is that I am now an old driver. I probably drive slower and more cautiously then I did years ago, but so as not to offend anyone, I usually set my cruise control about 5 mph over the speed limit. I figure it is too slow to get a ticket but too fast to piss off anyone who hates slow old folks behind the wheel. Of course, my logic sucks. I am beset by mortals who obviously have both no fear of death and no fear of getting a ticket. Why are people in such a hurry today? Where the hell is everyone going?

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The subject of my blog today concerns the poor old guys and gals who want to live a few years longer. One would think that at age 70 or greater, the elderly would be reckless and carefree. After all, I have had 72 good years on this earth, why should I fret if I die tomorrow. The strange truth is that the older we get, the more cautious we get. It is almost like thinking that if I give up smoking, drinking, motorcycles, wild parties and wild women or wild men, I will be able to live longer. I doubt seriously if the time to be safe is after age 70. It seems to me that logically, the time to be safety conscious would be when you were young and had many potential years ahead of you. Why be safe, when your heart or brain might blow out tomorrow. This is a paradox that I do not understand, but I observe it all around me.

I have friends who don’t want to travel because it might be dangerous. I have friends who have concealed carry permits because they might get mugged and this even in Frederic. I have a daughter who has security lights all around her house and is planning to install a security camera. I have friends who live in gated communities with security guards. I have friends who will not drive in the city or at night.

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In each case above, my friends would not have thought twice about it a few years ago. But something happens as we age. Suddenly, we worry. We worry more about things that in the past would not have given us a glimmer of concern. Now we want to know what the weather will be like before we go out. We want to know if a neighborhood is safe before we drive though it. We want to know if a chosen vacation spot is safe to visit.

Why again I ask, would anyone with so few years left to live, worry about their safety? They say that growing old is not for the faint of heart. I can see why. The older we get; the scarier things are. Is it simply a bit of DNA that ordains old people should die safely in their beds?

A little caution as we age is no doubt common sense. Old people are more brittle and less flexible. We do not bounce when we fall, and we can no longer put one foot behind our heads while standing on the other foot doing a Yoga posture (not that I ever could). We do not have as much balance and we should rightfully be staying off of high ladders and roofs. We take more time to mend and with less time left on this earth, we don’t want to spend our last days in a cast or hospital room. We will probably end up in a hospital room anyway, but I doubt it will be because we did anything foolish like bungee jumping or wing suit diving.

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Aging, for many of us, will be a process of pulling our blankets ever closer and ever tighter. The days of throwing off the blankets in wild abandon and streaking naked through our gardens are probably over. Somewhere between the two extremes we must find an accommodation with growing old. To die or not to die is not the question. The question is how to die. I always liked the quote in Julius Caesar by Shakespeare “Cowards die many times before their death, the valiant never taste of death but once.” Or to paraphrase Patrick Henry, “I know not what course others may take, but give me a party or let me die comfortably in my bed.”

“You can’t possibly be afraid of death, really, you can only be afraid of life.” — Carl R. Rogers

3623– Friday, May 31, 2019 – The Old Library Guys

31 May 2019 1 Comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, bullshit, conversation, discussions, literature, movies, old, old cars, Politics

Did I tell you the story about? What do old guys talk about when they get together? I am part of a group of guys who meet each day at the library in Frederic from 10 AM to 12 PM. There are some guys like Jerry and Dick who come in every day. Then there are some guys who come in frequently but not every day. Guys like Lowell, Reggie and Bill show up about half of the week. More infrequently are Tony, Reid and Andrea, Reid’s wife. Reid never ever goes anywhere without Andrea or perhaps it is the other way around. We also have the very infrequent participants like Eddie (A writer for the local newspaper) whom I will talk about another time. Eddie deserves a blog all by himself. In fact, each of the people I noted are probably deserving of their own blog.

old men coffee club

Every day we gather for an informal talk about whatever is on anyone’s mind. No schedule. No agenda. No leader. Almost any subject is up for grabs. Jerry is the intellect of the group and seems to be the best read with the exception of Tony. Tony owned a bookstore and taught college for many years. Dick is a retired mechanic and the most sensible and objective member. Reggie is a nuclear physicist and that is the truth. Lowell is a drug rehabilitation counselor now raising some type of legal hemp. Reid is a former minister and Andrea is a retired lawyer. Bill was a teacher and now does great wood working art.

We sit around a table, drink coffee, chat and on Fridays we buy cookies from a girl who brings them in each week for sale. They are homemade and very tasty. Sitting around talking for two hours can sometimes have its boring moments. Not all of the conversations are equally interesting to participants. Some of us ease these boring moments by playing on our smart phones or reading the local newspaper. Others peruse the library stacks or stacks of movies for something to take home. Eventually, the conversation changes and those who may not have been interested in a previous subject then find that the new topic is of interest to them.

I have attempted to diagnose the content of our conversations. If you made a pie chart of the subjects of our conversations, I think it would look like this.

discussion topics

Old stories clearly dominate the discussions. The bad part of this is hearing so many old stories over and over again can be beyond boring. The good part is that since the majority of us are over 70 years of age, we usually do not remember much of each other’s old stories. The exception to this is Jerry. Jerry always seems to have a keen sense of when and how many times a tale has been told before. Some of us are worse offenders than others in terms of repeating old stories. It clearly does not matter to the person telling the tale. I for one feel that my stories get better each time they are repeated. 😊

Cars are our next most popular topic. I guess a bunch of old guys anywhere in the USA would find some common ground when it comes to cars. I don’t think there is anyone in the group who cannot remember their first car. Dick, the former mechanic, has the best knowledge when it comes to the inner workings of a car and anytime one of us is having car problems, Dick will have some good advice. Jerry who was never much of a motor head frequently zones out when the subject turns to cars. However, bring up Jeopardy or any old Turner Classic movies and Jerry will provide a better summary of plots and cast than you can find on Wikipedia.

Now you may have noticed that certain topics seem to correlate with the skill sets of group participants. However, when it comes to politics, we are all experts. Nevertheless, since Trump was elected, the group has more or less toned down its politics. I suspect that is because some of the group voted for Trump and some did not. There is a great divide in our land between Trump supporters and Trump haters. In the interest of harmony and civility our group has been shying away from discussions dealing with national politics.

More recently, our political discussions tend to focus on “local” political issues. A current hot topic is the citing of a new CAFO (Concentrated Animal Feed Operation) in Trade Lake. Trade Lake is a town just north of Frederic by about six miles. The operation would involve the establishment of a large hog farm on some local farmland. Many townsfolk are against it and a number of groups have organized to stop it from being built. Reid and Andrea live on Trade Lake and have taken a keen interest in stopping the citing of the CAFO. Numerous stories abound about horrible smells and water pollution from pig farms. Eddie (our journalist) has attended many of the Trade Lake Council meetings where the discussions have often become quite heated. Once known for his lack of objectivity, he has been working harder these days to “give us the facts and nothing but the facts.”

Once the CAFO becomes old news, there is sure to be something that springs up worthy of discussion. When all else fails, we will fall back on discussing old movies. The majority of the group seems to favor older movies as opposed to the newer genre of comedy, superhero or zombie movie themes. Ask any of us how many times we have seen one of the Dirty Harry or John Wayne movies and it would probably shock you. Jerry usually leads our movie discussions due to his prodigious ability to remember details from every movie he has ever seen. As noted above, he is a walking encyclopedia of the old classics.

Well, as Porky Pig would say “Th-th-th-that’s all folks.”

“It was among farmers and potato diggers and old men in workhouses and beggars at my own door that I found what was beyond these and yet farther beyond that drawing room poet of my childhood in the expression of love, and grief, and the pain of parting, that are the disclosure of the individual soul.” — Lady Gregory

3625– Wednesday, May 29, 2019 – Make Believe or Reality!

29 May 2019 1 Comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aging, dreams., fantasy, fear, make believe, reality

I have always loved music. I am tone deaf. I cannot sing a lick or carry a tune. I don’t know a clef from a chord, and I cannot even play a harmonica. However, I have never heard a genre of music that I did not like. From Bollywood to Reggae to Funk to Hip Hop to K-Pop to Opera to Classical to Enka to Tex-Mex to Flamenco to African American Gospel, I love them all. I do not love all songs equally of course. In every genre, I have some favorites but just like I love trying a new food, I delight in finding a new genre of music. Each genre has its gems and stars. Each has something to offer us.

real or make believe

Music plays a special roll in my life. Not only do I love to listen to music, but many songs have inspired me to write. I often find a refrain or lines from a song that seem to cry out for a blog or for someone to say something about them. If music is the sound of color, then writing about music is the voice of music floating on pages of white papyrus. Each letter in the alphabet is a tone and when you string them together in words, and sentences and paragraphs, they want to be heard and they ask the reader to listen and to tap to their beat. Words are melodies that can resonate just like the notes from a piano or a guitar.

One of my old standards is of course American Rock and Roll. Growing up in the sixties, you would be hard pressed not to have listened to hundreds of the first rock and roll songs. A singer that I loved back in those days was Conway Twitty. Some lyrics from a song of his that are rolling around in my brain today goes like this:

But myself I can’t deceive
I know it’s only make believe

I am wondering how much of my life is make believe. I doubt that 100 percent is, but I think some portion is. Let’s say that 40 percent of my life is make believe, then I question what are those aspects that are make believe? First of course, we must agree on what “make believe” is. Without going to a dictionary, I propose that for something to be make believe it has to be a total fiction that is self-consciously induced. Meaning, that I fabricate the make believe in my own mind. Make believe includes fictions, lies, fables, delusions and fantasies that have no basis in reality but are things that I hold dear. That can’t be me can it? Can I the most rational logical unemotional person in the universe have any make believes? Did you say bullshit when I said I was the most rational etc.? Is that one of my “make believes?” Well Sir, I am sure that is the only one I have.

“What” my wife Karen says, “about your ideas that men are inherently better drivers than women.” “Hmm, okay, maybe I have one or two others.” Still a long way to go until I reach 40 percent.

But myself, I can’t deceive,
I know my faults, my fantasies and my dreams are only make believe

Well, damn it. Isn’t there a problem here then? How much do I really know about myself versus how much do I not know? Do you remember the model in psychology called the JOHARI Window? There are four quadrants in this model: As follows with some examples:

	Known to others	Unknown to others
Known to me	I am an old looking guy	Secrets about my family
Unknown to me	I was sarcastic yesterday	When will I die?

My “make believes” probably lie in the known to others and unknown to me quadrant. A goal that psychologists say we should pursue is to increase our knowledge of the unknowns to us. Some of these unknowns we can find by being more transparent and open to input and feedback from “others.”

Often though our make believes are an armor which protects us from the things we fear. As life goes on, day by day, aging can seem to bring more and more things for us to fear. Things we now fear that we never gave a second thought to when we were younger. “I can’t do that because I might.” “What if?” Perhaps one of the worst things about growing old is to live a life that is the very opposite of the poem by Dylan Thomas.

“Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” – Dylan Thomas

Instead, we tread more carefully, we flicker and whimper and at the dying of the light we cower under the covers. Easy to do. I cast no aspersions against the hardships of aging. For many, I am sure, much more difficult than it has been for me. So, I go back to my make believes. I am sure that today I am:

Twenty-two years old. I am dashing and handsome and athletic. All the men want my autographs and all the women want my hand in marriage. I am a Nobel Prize winner and a Rhodes Scholar. I have six Olympic gold medals and five bestselling books on the Times list. Faust often confers with me and Socrates borrows ideas from me to use with his pupils. Pavarotti takes voice lessons from me. Kings, movie stars and rich people line up at my door each day and clamor for a visit with me. I am gracious and kind and compassionate and spend time and money to help the poor and needy.

But its only, only Make Believe.

“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.”
― J. M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Onwards Towards Death and Dying: Part Two on Aging

30 Dec 2018 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: aged, aging, coping, diet, elderly, exercise, happiness, health, mental health, old, physical, success

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This is the second part of a blog that I wrote a few weeks ago. Part one dealt with the issue of death. I was surprised by how many reader comments noted that people do not usually talk about this subject. I realized from listening to several remarks that not only do we face death inevitably as we age but that there is a “journey” to death that we all take. It is the final years of our lives. These final years are perhaps the most important years for many of us. They will certainly be the most difficult.

In this second part, I would like to discuss some ideas for making these last years or twilight years of our lives as happy and successful as they can be. By success, I am not talking about making a lot of money or winning the lottery. Being successful in old age is about living our final years with dignity and integrity. It is not about recapturing our youth, but it is about capturing the maturity that many of us (myself included) never captured when we were younger. There is no merit to the comment that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. I know too many older people who are continually learning and growing in their twilight years.

Letting Go versus Giving Up

Many people confuse letting go with giving up. I know many people who cannot quit work, hobbies, sports etc., that they are no longer capable of doing. A woman friend of mine (who is my age) has recently bought a new motorcycle after crashing her last one. She has for many years had difficulties handling her bikes, but she still insisted after her last accident on buying a new two wheeled bike. Many older people who do not want to give up the sport finally realize that they will be better off with a trike or a three-wheeled motorcycle. They are not giving up the sport, but they are letting go of something that they can no longer do. You are all familiar with the adage of the aging boxer who cannot give up his dreams of becoming a champion again. It is a dangerous dream based on not being willing to let go.

There are going to be many things that we once did as we get older that we either can no longer do or that we cannot hope to do at our former level of performance. Giving up is to quit. I am not advocating quitting. Quitting is a formula for simply accepting death and waiting patiently for it. I have no desire to share such a counsel. I am advising that we realistically appraise our abilities and decide when it is time for us to hang up our spurs or gloves and perhaps pursue some other activity.

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I have been running for nearly fifty years now. I know that it gets harder to run each year, but I am still able to comfortably continue my outdoor runs. When the time comes that it becomes too dangerous or too hard, I will either buy a treadmill, switch to bicycling or simply go out for long walks each day. I will let go of running but I will not give up exercising. Not letting go is generally motivated by too much pride and in the case of old age, pride definitely goes before a fall. Witness the number of elderly people who still insist on climbing up on their roofs or getting up on that ladder to fix something. The outcome is too often sadly predictable. As Pete Seeger sang “When will they ever learn.”

Coping

When we were young, we did not put much effort into coping. As we get older, it often becomes more difficult to cope with life. We can become burdened by physical problems, problems with our loved ones, monetary problems, or many other social issues. We need to have ways to cope with these issues as we get older. I have found that we can break coping strategies into two categories: Mental Fitness and Physical Fitness.

Mental Fitness

Perhaps the most difficult mental challenge we face as we age is to stay engaged in life. Once we are no longer employed, it can seem that life has no meaning. Suicide rates among the elderly are very high and attest to this loss of meaning and purpose as we age.

“Many associate suicides with young people, like troubled teens or twenty somethings who never quite got their lives off the ground. In fact, it is much more common among older adults. According to new figures just released this week from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, the highest rate of suicides in America is among people age 45 to 64. There were more than 232,000 suicides in this age group from 1999 to 2016.” — Forbes, 2018, Older Adults at Greatest Risk For Suicide

I believe that there are three keys to mental fitness. We must stay interested in life, involved in life and active in life.

Staying interested might involve becoming interested. Perhaps when you were working, you were so busy that you had no other outside interests. You now have time to go to the library and find some area of knowledge that you are excited about. The best way to stay interested in life is to keep learning. It might mean continuing to read the paper or read some books or write some papers. Write your memoirs for your family. Too few elderly leave anything behind when they die except a box of lifeless pictures. What about telling your children who, what and why you did the things you did when they were growing up. Chances are they never went to work with you or really understood what you did when they were growing up.

My wife Karen has taken up playing the dulcimer. She plays with a group of other dulcimer players (mostly retired women in Tucson) who go by the name of the Tucson Dulcimer Ensemble. They play at churches, festivals, nursing homes and assisted living centers. I have attended many of these sessions and I can safely say that Karen and her group are deeply appreciated by the older people at these centers who may be too frail to get out to concerts anymore.

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Staying involved might mean finding a charity or volunteer group to work with. It might mean taking more time with your family and grandchildren. A good friend of mine who is 86 has become quite involved with several groups including the Rotary, SCORE and a Marine Corp Honor Guard. He told me this past week that he has participated at 451 funerals for former Marines. Lou is involved in life and still making a difference in the lives of others.

Staying active. I am not talking about physical activity here, but activity aimed at exploring the world. Activity aimed at opening your mind to the world around you. One way to stay active mentally is to go someplace you have not been before. Go to a meeting of your political party. Go to a church. Go to a new restaurant. Go to a park, museum, zoo or famous tourist sight. Go anyplace, just don’t sit at home. Become an explorer of life. It is never too late.

Mental health experts will tell you that the best way to fight depression and thoughts of suicide is to stay active. I know many people my age who are finally getting out to see the world. They are taking Senior Classes at their local college, going on cruises, joining hiking clubs or other clubs that help them get out and explore the world.

Karen and I have been to thirty-three countries. We are planning to go to Russia next year. I know neither of us has the energy for the trips that we took forty years ago, but I cannot imagine my life without exploring some new places that I have not been before. We cannot afford to go as frequently as we used to but with some foresight and planning, we can still manage to make a trip every few years. By the way, almost every time we have planned a trip, someone has said “Don’t you think it is dangerous to go there. What about the terrorists?” I assure you that I would rather be shot by a terrorist then die a craven coward in my bed.

Physical Fitness

There are three components of physical fitness. These are Exercise, Diet and Discipline. I do not have to tell you why physical fitness is important. I doubt if anyone in the world denies the importance of fitness. However, let me tell you a story which I think (sadly) exemplifies the American approach to exercise and diet and discipline.

I walked into a Circle K one morning (Very typical for me each day) and poured a cup of decaf coffee. I walked up to the cashier. She was in her late twenties and quite obese. She must have been following a protocol because she asked me (as all cashiers at Circle K usually did) if I wanted a donut. I replied that “Yes, I wanted a donut, but I did not want the calories.” She answered very solemnly “I used to care but I don’t care anymore.”

The gyms and athletic clubs joke each year about the New Year Goals Effect. Right after New Years (every year) the parking lots at the gyms will be filled to overflowing with new members. Newly minted exercise addicts who have decided to lose fifty pounds, build fantastic muscle and look like Supergirl or Superman. The joke among the fitness crew is that this will only last about six weeks and then the parking lot will return to normal as the new members go back to watching sports and eating potato chips during the “big game.” Every weekend there is a big game. Americans have become the fattest and (dare I say) physically laziest people in the world.

Exercise:

It does not matter whether you are eight or eighty. Physical exercise is good for you. A good physical regime includes: stretching, strength, balance and cardio. An hour a day, four or five days a week for anyone over sixty is enough to keep you feeling fit and looking fit. The problem you are going to face is that too many regimes are designed for younger people. The idea of “exercise goal setting” is highly overrated for anyone over sixty. I have written a blog on this aspect of fitness which has a great deal of useful information on setting up a realistic exercise program when you are over sixty. Go to How Can We Set Realistic Exercise Goals as We Age?

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Diet:

Moderation and common sense are the two keys here. Every other day some expert or study is telling you that something is good for you or bad for you. Today, eggs are bad. Tomorrow eggs are good. Today gluten is bad. Tomorrow gluten is good. Today alcohol is bad. Tomorrow alcohol is good. Today butter is bad, tomorrow butter is good. The conflicting studies, reports and information are enough to drive anyone crazy. What I have found over the years is the adage “All things in moderation” is generally a good way to go.

True, some things are definitely bad for some people, even many people. Smoking has no health benefits. Excessive alcohol consumption is not going to do any good for your health. In fact, though, excessive anything from donuts to beef to fish may not be good for you. Our bodies seem to thrive on a balanced diet.

I am a calorie counter. Every day, I enter my calories in an online software program called “Fatsecret.” This program allows me to research calories for thousands of food items, enter them in a calorie spreadsheet and at the end of the day, it tells me how many fat, carbs, proteins and total calories I have ingested. It is easy to use, and I find that when I use it faithfully, I can keep my weight and body measurements in acceptable ranges. I use a weight scale at home which measures about six different body factors to monitor my health. These scales are cheap to purchase and easy to use. I calculate my body indexes about every six months or so. It takes less than one minute on the scale and then I enter the data in an Excel Spreadsheet. As of this month, my latest data is:

Body fat: 18.1

Muscle: 29.9

Bone: 4.6

TBW: 67

BMI: 24

Weight: Average for this month – 149.42

I enter the following data from my annual physical into my spread sheet as well to help me track trends and to see whether I am maintaining, declining or improving. Trend data is much more relevant for determining health priorities than single data points taken once per year. Few if any doctors routinely track trend data for their patients. My latest annual physical gave me the following data:

Glucose: 92

Total Cholesterol: 211

HDL: 71

LDL: 128

Blood pressure: 115/70

Resting pulse rate: 60

Discipline:

The last factor in staying physically fit is discipline. You might think that some of the above is “overkill.” What you need to remember is that you do not have to enter data every day. If you manage to do two out of every three days in the month, you will still have plenty of data to manage your diet and health. There are many days when Karen and I are traveling, when I forget, when we are busy with friends or when we are at someone else’s house, that it is difficult to chart any data. I do not worry. Just like you do not have to exercise every day to be healthy, you do not have to chart data every single day. If you manage to get sixty percent of your days charted, you will be doing great. I set my goal at sixty percent for the month in terms of charting as well as days to exercise. If I miss my goal, I simply try again next month. The secret is to keep trying and not to give up. If I have a bad month, I get up and try again next month.

Thinking back to the joke about health wannabees on New Year’s Day trying to get fit in less than six weeks. It probably will not happen. Some will make it to fitness, but it is not a six-week project, it is more likely (depending on your present level of fitness) a two to three-year project. What will separate the winners in this battle from the “wannabees”, is simply the factor of discipline and determination. Can you get up today and go to the gym? If not, can you get up tomorrow and go to the gym? Can you manage to go to the gym at least 35 percent of the days in this month? Can you manage 25 percent? My goal is sixty percent. Many months I do not make this goal. I try again the next month. Goals are not etched in stone. You need to be determined and disciplined but you also need to be flexible and fallible. We are all only human and we will fail, time and time again. It takes discipline to keep trying and not to give up.

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There are two more segments to aging that I would like to cover, but I fear that this blog has become too long. In part three, we will look at what I call “Facing Reality” issues as well as the problem of “Economics.” This latter issue will address money problems, budgets and finances as we age. I specifically want to deal with those of us who are not rich and did not set aside enough to simply live happily ever after with no worries about money. I for one need to be concerned about money every day, but I do not use the term worry since I generally have some things under control. I want to share with you some of my strategies in these areas next blog.

Time for Questions:

What did you find helpful in my blog? What ideas will you try? What strategies have you found that you think help you to age gracefully? Can you share your ideas in the comments section?

Life is just beginning.

“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.” ― Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Aging Capriciously

Stages of Aging

The Man Who Wanted to Die Last

The Old Woman Who Wanted to Be a Pilot

The Fear of Aging or the Aging of Fear

3494– Monday, October 7, 2019 — Can We Really Grow Old Gracefully? – Part 2

3498– Thursday, October 3, 2019 — Can We Really Grow Old Gracefully? Part 1

3611– Wednesday, June 12, 2019 – Fear of Death and Dying

3623– Friday, May 31, 2019 – The Old Library Guys

3625– Wednesday, May 29, 2019 – Make Believe or Reality!

Onwards Towards Death and Dying: Part Two on Aging

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