Have you ever had one of those days or maybe even weeks, when something seems wrong, but you don’t know what it is? You don’t feel sick. Your bills are all paid. No one you love or care about is on their death bed. Nevertheless, you have a sense of discomfort that you cannot find a reason for.
Could it be a sense of impending doom? Like maybe things are going too smooth and something is bound to fuck up? Or is it something like Scrooge surmised it to be, “ You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”
Karen is good at reading my moods even before I sometimes realize what they are. Yesterday, she asked if something was wrong. This puzzled me because I was not thinking of anything in particular that I thought was wrong. I asked her why she asked me this and she replied that “You just don’t seem to be yourself.”
I immediately recognized that she was right. I was not feeling like myself. Now I am not going to say that I am a jolly upbeat life of the party type, but I also don’t think that I am all doom and gloom. However, when she mentioned it, I realized that I was feeling rather depressed. What and why were the questions that went through my mind.
Another death from my high school class of 64? Another victory for trump with the Supreme Court? Another bizarre murder case in the news? Another mass shooting spree? More news that we are going to have another war or continue a present war? A sense that I will be eighty in a few weeks and never dreamed that I would live past thirty? A sense of futility with my efforts to make a difference in the world? Was I just feeling sorry for myself?
On some level I wanted to go hide. Like my tortoise Mikey, if I could find a quiet dark comfortable place where I could metaphorically pull my head in my shell and shut the world out.
I do not pine for heaven, as it sounds too busy there. Neither do I want hell even if it has all the wild women and gambling. I was never much into either. For me, I would take a place where I could shut out all sights and sounds and noise and advertisements and political BS.
My time is running out, and days are like roller coasters. Some days are up and some days are down. But once in a while, just I say “once in a while” too many things seem to be going down. I would like to find a way to stay on the high road, but I realize that is not part of life.
Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, smooth roads and roads with lots of potholes. But couldn’t I have just a few days that really were “perfect.” Everyone else seems to say that it is “Perfect”, but I have never felt that I was perfect or that anything else was perfect.
Chicken Little thought the sky was falling. Joe Btfsplk the character in the Li’l Abner comic strip had a small, dark rain cloud over his head. He was known as the world’s worst jinx, bringing bad luck to everyone near him. Willy Loman (Death of a Salesman) could never seem to do anything right. Literature is full of men and women whose luck or fortune was certainly worse than average, perhaps more than worse, we could say tragic. Most Verdi operas are full of tragedies wrought on seemingly good people. A very popular book a few years back was “Why do bad things happen to good people?”
Sometimes I worry when things are going too well.
Our bills are all paid. I feel strong and healthy. Karen and I are getting along great. We are planning some good trips. All is bright and cheerful and therein lies the problem.
Is tragedy just around the corner? The letter or phone call that will bring a sad message. The evening news with another attack on my ideals. A sense that the human race has gone off its rails with a lack of morals and ethics.
Someone once questioned whether you can be too happy. Maybe not, but how many of us have a sense of foreboding when things are going too well. We know the good times cannot last.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics tells us that entropy tends to increase in a closed system. I think there is a rough metaphor for life in this idea. Keeping order in our world requires energy. When we are young we have more energy, but as we get older our energy wanes. Inevitably, the disorder and entropy have an easier time creeping into our lives.
The relationship is simple: energy in, energy out. The more energy we put into maintaining a system the more order we have. Growing older brings more than just a decay in our bodies, it can also bring disorder to our outside lives. Our solution is often very simple. We cut back on many things that we once did. We take steps to simplify our lives. We hire help to do things that we are no longer able or willing to do ourselves.
In many climates they have a condition called SAD. SAD stands for seasonal affect disorder. You get feeling gloomy after too many cold days or too many days without sunshine or too many days of rain.
Here in Arizona, we do not have any of those conditions. We get too many hot days, but I have never heard anyone claim that hot days can be related to a SAD disorder. I believe it can though.
When temperatures are in the triple digits, the only thing you want to do is stay cool and the best way to do that is to stay inside. You park the car and you don’t go out. You don’t go jogging. You don’t go bicycling. You don’t go to the park. You don’t drive to the shopping center. You simply stay home where it is cool.
After a while, you may develop what they call in the Northwoods “Cabin Fever.” It comes on slowly, but the symptoms are the same.
- Irritability or a short temper
- Boredom and lack of focus
- Sadness or hopelessness
- Feeling trapped
Well, I am going to let this blog post rest at that.
No concrete answers. Just like what the doctors said about Karen’s condition. They called it “idiopathic.” I had to look it up. It means they do not know what it is. An idiopathic label does not mean the illness is fake. It means the physical problem is real, but the exact trigger remains a mystery.
Perhaps my doom and gloom sadness is an “idiopathic condition of inherent doom.”
If you are suffering from the same symptoms and have found a cure please let me know.
Aging Capriciously 