The famous French philosopher Sartre said that, “Hell is other people.” What I think he meant to say was that “Friends and family could be hell.” A number of years ago the mother of a good friend of ours passed away. The fight between her siblings over who was going to get what was vicious and resulted in a permanent schism between the siblings. I was commiserating one day with her over our very dysfunctional families. I noted, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we had normal families?” My friend replied, “We do have normal families.” I knew exactly what she meant. Years earlier when I was attending support group meetings for men who were violent and abusive, we would always hear newcomers say, “My family is so screwed up. I wish I had:” (Pick one)
- A more loving mother
- A non-alcoholic father
- Parents who did things with us
- A father who was not a gambler
- A mother who was not a drug addict
- A mother or father who was not always gone
- A mother or father who was not abusive
The more seasoned men in the group would listen to these plaints for awhile but eventually tolerance would run out. Then you would hear someone say, “If you want a happy family, turn on TV and watch “Leave it to Beaver” or “Father Knows Best.” The rest of us would sagely nod our heads. In our milieu, healthy happy families did not exist.
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ― Leo Tolstoy , Anna Karenina
Well, you are probably thinking, “You can’t always pick your relatives, but you can always pick your friends.” This is absolutely true, but how many people do you know that have lifelong friends that they can trust and rely on in an emergency? I could start a long list of friends that I have left behind over the years for one reason or another. I have ex-friends who became rabid Trump supporters whom I said goodbye to. I have ex-friends who said goodbye to me, and I never knew why. I just did not hear from them anymore. I have other ex-friends who I could no longer relate to for one reason or another. Friends seem to me to be like annual flowers. They pop up for a while and then they fade away. I have five good friends left. I would have more, but some died early and one committed suicide.
You may be scratching your head now and thinking, “What does this narrative of misery have to do with appreciating our friends and family?” One answer is that I do not like to sugarcoat things. Most of life is composed of the good, the bad and the ugly. I 
have put the bad and the ugly out first so that you would not simply hear a chorus of how wonderful friends and relatives are. The truth of the matter is that as in most of life, you often have to take the bad with the good.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley
Another point for acknowledging the bad side of things is that it helps us to appreciate the good side. If things were always great we would never appreciate the bad. We love the sunny days more after the rainy days. We enjoy a good movie or a good painting because we know what a bad movie or a bad painting is like. We develop models in our heads for the good and the bad and they are to some extent a mirror image of each other. The Yin and Yang of life is a push and a pull. Happiness, joy, and good health are more appreciated when we have experienced the opposite in our lives. We appreciate good relatives and good friends more when we acknowledge some of the “mistakes” that life has dealt us. We rise above life by dealing with the bad, putting it aside and saying prayers of thanks for the good friends and family in our lives.
Family:
I do not know how many “Leave it to Beaver” families are out there, but I do have many friends who have had loving fathers and mothers. Their families might not have been perfect, but they learned good values from their parents. The other night we had two friends (Tom and Nancy) over for dinner. We started talking about some of our family. Since we were all over 70, our fathers, mothers and several siblings had all passed away. We shared some of the good things we missed about these relationships. Our conversation prompted me to ask, “What are the three most important things you learned from your parents?” The discussion on what we learned was heart-warming and lasted nearly an hour.
The answers to my question elicited several traits that we had all absorbed from our parents. Among the common ones were a value for hard work, education, and honesty. Tom mentioned that he learned, “You should always finish your work before you play.” I could hear the same words echoing from my father. Karen mentioned that she learned the value of frugality from her mom. Nancy added that she learned caring from her parents. This was seconded by both Tom and Karen. I added that I learned to be accepting of other cultures and races. My father was intolerant of racism and prejudice. I grew up fighting for the under-dog as a result of what I learned from my parents.
“I sustain myself with the love of family.” ― Maya Angelou
Good relatives and good families infuse us with good values and good character. You learn what you live with. Live with honesty, hard work, and compassion and you will be a person who cares for others and who is unselfish in their efforts to succeed. Success is more than just one person succeeding, it is an entire world succeeding. I have always loved the line from John Donne’s poem, “And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.” (No Man is an Island, Meditation XVII, Devotions upon Emergent Occasions)
Friends:
Aristotle was one of the wisest men who ever lived. Perhaps he was not as wise as Socrates, but he left us numerous writings which provide a guide for right living. Aristotle wrote quite a lot about the issue of friendship (See his “Nicomachean Ethics, Books VIII and IX). He commented that it was good to have many friends. However, Aristotle had a typology of friendship based on three characteristics. These characteristics were: pleasure, utility, and virtue.
Friendships based on utility derive some perceived benefits from each other. Perhaps helping each other with building or fixing things. Friendships based on pleasure derive fun or shared activities together. Friends who canoe or ski or golf together. Friendships based on virtue derive mutual benefit from pursuing shared values and goals. Friends who work together for a common good. According to Aristotle, friendships based on pleasure and utility tend to be shorter than friendships based on virtue or goodness because needs and pleasures often change over time. Our values in life are less transient and more permanent. Friends who share your same values will be friends for life.
“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” ― Helen Keller
The value of a good friend is immeasurable. Someone who understands you. Someone you can trust. Someone who cares about you and will step up in your hour of need. Someone who will have your back when you are in a crisis. Someone who consoles you when you are in grief or mourning. Someone who cares about your life and wants to share your joys and your pain. I hope that everyone reading this blog has at least one good friend. Count your blessings if you have more than that.
I have written about friendship several times in my blogs (See my Friends and Friendship: Part 1 and Part 2). I have said that Facebook friends should not be counted as true friends. FB friends are closer to what I call acquaintances. Facebook can introduce you to possible friends but it will never be able to create real friends. True friendship is difficult if not impossible to establish on FB or any other social medium. Friendship is like marriage. You get out of it what you put into it. If you look at the high number of divorces today, it may blind you to the almost equal number of marriages that last for decades. My spouse has some friends since grade school. I have a few friends going back to high school. We both share bonds of time and life experiences with these friends.
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
In my experience talking to other married couples, the ones that last are the ones that invest time and effort into their relationship. Good marriages take work. Good marriages are not taken for granted. Good friendships also take work. By work, I mean taking risks to improve your friendship. The risks can be self-disclosure, honesty, confrontation and saying no. Good friends are not born, they are made. And like everything in life, they require effort and maintenance.
The Beatles had a song and one of the lines was, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Hardly a day goes by that I do not think of this line and its relevance for both family and friends. We are social animals, and we need other people. We need people to love and people who love us. Our friends and family are the wellspring for giving and receiving love. The Covid Pandemic has clearly shown the negative impacts that isolation has on people the world over. The biggest joy that will come out of defeating the Pandemic will be when we can all freely share time with our loved ones again.
Thus, the question arose in my mind about the difference or relationship between appreciation and gratitude. Perhaps this is like asking how many angels can dance on the head of a needle, but I thought the question deserved some reflection. Is the relationship between gratitude and appreciation similar to the relationship between tolerance and respect?
If you do not like to try new things, you should not travel. One of my mottos is “I have never met a food I did not like.” Karen and I eat at street vendors. We often shop locally and pick out foods that we do not even know what they are. When we were on Naxos, we found a meat market. We entered and were greeted with a variety of skinned animals hanging from hooks. There were no labels on these various creatures. We assumed they sold the meat in kilos, so we asked for a ½ kilo of this and ½ kilo of that. We decided that we would take the meats or whatever they were back to our little apartment and cook them. We figured that once we did this, we might be able to guess what we were eating. This was many years ago and I do not think we ever figured out what we were eating. The food was good and twenty-five years later we are alive and kicking. It was a great adventure. One that we have replicated many times.
I was forty years old before I had my first trip out of the USA. I had always wanted to travel and my four years in the military had not provided me the opportunity to travel. Later on, I became so busy with school and work that traveling seemed like a remote luxury. One day I was on a plane coming back from Thompson, Manitoba. (Canada does not count as foreign travel.) I had been working with a mining client that week and was now headed home. Next to me sat a young woman holding a travel guide to Spain. It was May and schools were getting out for the summer. I remarked “Are you going to Spain?” “Yes,” she replied. “Oh”, I said, “you must be very excited.” She answered somewhat petulantly, “No, I went there last summer but my parents wanted me to go again since I am studying Spanish.”
I did not say anymore to the young woman, but I thought “My, would I love to go to Spain or anyplace for that matter.” Then and there in that moment, I made up my mind. Karen and I were going to travel. We were going to see the world. When I arrived home, I shared my decision and determination with Karen. She was delighted but wondered how we would manage it. We have since been to 33 countries for a total of about 25 or more trips. We like to go to one country and see various sections of it rather than trying to see the whole of Europe or Asia in one trip. Usually we go for three weeks or so. We are very budget oriented and try to behave like pilgrims rather than like tourists. Our trips are usually a balancing act between being a pilgrim and being a tourist.
“What do you need help with?” asked Mr. Bullfrog.
Mr. Bullfrog thought about this for a while. In some respects it made good sense, but he still could not see that the rewards outweighed the risks. He had read Dr. Persico’s book on strategy several years ago and applied many of the ideas to his own life. One of the key concepts concerned risk mitigation. One should always access the gain of an action against the inherent risks associated with the action. Mr. Bullfrog concluded that the risks still outweighed the gain. “What is in it for me,” asked Mr. Bullfrog?
About halfway across the pond, Mr. Bullfrog suddenly dived beneath the surface of the water. The scorpion was flung into the water. Mr. Bullfrog paddled a few yards underwater and then came up. When he came to the top, he heard the scorpion pleading “Why have you done this? We had a deal.” 
Several of my stories have been influenced by Aesop’s stories. When growing up, I loved reading stories of foxes, rabbits, scorpions, and other animals that Aesop used in his writing. His parables and morals still guide my life in a myriad of ways. I watched a few of August Wilson’s plays that were performed at Penumbra Theater in St. Paul, MN. It was my introduction to the world of African American literature which was sorely missing in our education system. For a good escape into the world of murder, drama and spies, MacLean and Christie cannot be beat. On countless rainy and often sunny days as well, I have curled up and said, “To hell with the world. I am dropping out for a few hours into a world of fantasy.”
Camus, Eldredge Cleaver, and Cervantes could not be more different. Camus the existentialist. Cleaver the revolutionary. Cervantes the dreamer. What puzzle pieces they inspired in me. Hard to find out how they fit together but in the grand scheme of things, I would not leave any of them out. Cleaver wrote, “Soul on Ice.” One of the most inspiring prison writings ever written.
Anatole France and Ian Fleming. I discovered Fleming’s books on James Bond, after I saw the hit movie “From Russia with Love.” I subsequently read every one of Fleming’s books and have seen every movie in the Bond franchise. I loved the character so much I continued to read “Bond” books even when they were written by other approved writers. I was attracted to the character who was everything I wanted to be. Handsome, rugged, dashing, brave, a man’s man and a woman’s man as well. I will never forget the line from one of Fleming’s books, “Boredom is the worst curse of all.” Eventually, I outgrew James Bond but there will always be a part of me that wonders what it would be like to live in his world.
J. K. Galbraith, Goethe, and John Gardner. Perhaps my favorite story as well as my favorite opera are based on a man selling his soul to the devil in return for some privilege. Goethe wrote the story and called it Faust after a learned man who wanted more than knowledge. Gounod did the opera based on Goethe’s story. Many other stories have been based on the idea of a bargain between Satan and humans. One other that I have always liked was “The Devil and Daniel Webster.” It told the story of a New Hampshire farmer who sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for success. When the devil came to collect his due, the farmer called on Daniel Webster to defend him. This story ended happily as opposed to Goethe’s story which has a tragic ending.
Ivan Illich and Washington Irving. When I was in my undergraduate program in education which I started in 1971, I decided to read as much of the counter-education literature that I could find. My most memorable readings were “Pedagogy of the Oppressed” by P. Freire, “How Children Fail” by John Holt and “Deschooling Society” by Illich. I have read many more books on education since the 70’s but it seems to me that nothing new has been added to the schooling critique leveled by these educators. Schools are still failing students and society. Educators are like fish. They live up to the Chinese saying that “The fish are the last ones to see the water.” I have written numerous critiques of the education system in America as have many other educators, but nothing changes. The solutions to the problems that ail our education system are rooted in a theory of education that was appropriate 100 years ago but is now obsolete.
Carl Jung was one of the many theorists I studied at the University of Wisconsin for my M.S. degree in Counseling. Carl Jung was one of the acolytes of Freud along with Alfred Adler, Wilhelm Reich, Otto Rank, and his daughter Anna Freud. Each follower eventually broke with Freud and founded their own school of psychology. Jung started the most esoteric and enigmatic of these schools. His philosophy or methods are called Jungian Analysis and appeal to many people due to his emphasis on the interpretation of dreams, archetypes, and symbolic behaviors. Jung gave me an appreciation for the elements in life that we might simply write off as useless or meaningless. To undergo a dream interpretation can be a very life changing experience. I discovered that there is no single path to self-awareness and psychological health. Different schools of therapy appeal to different people and each may be effective.
John F. Kennedy, Ezra Klein, and Daniel Kahneman. What do a President, Journalist and Nobel Prize winner in Economics have in Common? I learned from Kennedy’s “Profiles in Courage” about what integrity really means. Kennedy may not have written much of this book but the lives of the people he shares puts an exclamation point on the values that JFK had for this country.
R. D. Laing and Fritz Leiber. Do you know Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser? If not, you are missing two of the most interesting and funny characters in the genre called Sword and Sorcery. Fritz Leiber coined the phrase “Sword and Sorcery” and helped birth an entire new form of literature. When we think of fantasy, most often we think of Lewis Carroll’s, “Alice in Wonderland.” This classic story is imbued with fantasy and magic, but no one actually does any magic in the story. Magic is limited to Alice’s dreaming. Many fairy tales have more actual magic than Alice in Wonderland. Tolkien’s “Hobbit and Ring Trilogy” come to mind.
Mishima was an author, poet, actor, and modern-day samurai who wanted to reinstate the Bonsai spirit in Japanese Culture. After WWII, Americans occupied Japan and did everything they could to drive out the Samurai attitudes and policies that dominated Japan the previous fifty years or so. Mishima created a group of followers who thought that they could overthrow the elected Japanese government and restore the old ruling order. He greatly overestimated support for his ideas and after a failed rebellion he committed Seppuku or Hari Kari as it is also known. I read a few of his novels and came to appreciate his writing and even his politics to some extent. In his “The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea” he states that “living is merely the chaos of existence.” He has also noted that “I still have no way to survive but to keep writing one line, one more line, one more line….” A sentiment that I think anyone serious about literature would surely appreciate.
The color of its trunk was somewhere between blue and green as its hues ebbed and flowed. One minute it looked blue and the next minute it looked green. The most striking feature of all was in the middle of its trunk about five feet above the floor. It had a large round eye about 9 inches in diameter. There was no mistaking it as an eye since it included a large red pupil, a green cornea, and a yellow sclera. The pupil was about two inches wide and the cornea was about four inches wide. The eye seemed to follow every movement in the room and when you looked at it, the alien seemed to be able to look right through you as though it was reading your mind.
“You have taken my space craft to one of your many military bases. Some of you wish to stop me from leaving. That is impossible. I have no desire to harm any of you. I have already repaired my vessel and it is back in orbit. I will go to my ship. Perhaps you will see me again in the future if you survive. I doubt it. Goodbye.”
When I grew up, the only art in our house was an Elvis on velvet painting that my mother had hanging over the living room sofa. We also had a wooden ship with metal sails and a clock that did not work built into the side of the ship. It was featured prominently on the mantle over our fake fireplace. Our furniture would have done the Salvation Army proud. I do not remember any other art besides Elvis displayed on our walls, floors, or ceilings. Neither my father or mother had any interest in art. My mother liked Elvis and that is why she got the painting. 
When I think back upon my schooling, I do not recall ever having had a single class in art appreciation. We would occasionally go on field trips but usually to a library or a science museum. No one in my schools acknowledged the world of art. For blue collar kids like myself, the world of art had little relevance or practical use. Everyone knew that artists died poor. The great Van Gogh sold only one picture in his lifetime and that to a relative. The purchase of art was for the rich, spoiled, eccentric scions of old aristocratic families with more money than they knew what to do with. 
When Karen and I first moved down to Arizona, we took a day to go and visit Scottsdale. Scottsdale is a wealthy upper-class community. Scottsdale is generally considered the most affluent large city in Arizona. The average income of a Scottsdale resident is $51,564 a year. The US average is $28,555 a year. According to Zillow.com, the typical price of a home in Scottsdale is $582,292. We walked around the downtown portion of Scottsdale and expected to see the usual mix of clothing stores, jewelry shops, antique shops, and restaurants. We were not surprised except when it came to the antique shops. 
Art reflects the beauty that life holds. Paintings portray ideals and impressions that intrigue and magnify the senses. Sculptures mirror the objects in our world that mystify us or that remind us of magnificent events. Pictures bring us to other places and times that would be forgotten without the images the photographer captures. Art does not attempt to simply mirror reality; it attempts to augment and enhance reality. Art can be a caricature which like a Rorschach text enables us to see many different visions. Art is a realization of values, norms, pain, happiness, the past, the present and the future. Art can simultaneously create fantasy and reality.
You may be rightly thinking, “But what good does art do me if I cannot afford to even walk into an art shop?” I often asked myself this same question. Why look at stuff that I could not afford? It took me years before I even ventured into an art museum. I have since visited the Louvre while in Paris and many other museums in the USA and in Europe. My attitude is now one of gratefulness that someone has purchased these magnificent works of art to share with the public. The vast majority of us could never begin to afford the pricelessness of these museum pieces. I strongly encourage you to visit an art museum sometime. 
When it comes to art that I would like to own, it is simply a matter of what I can afford. The art world is full of overpriced works of art. Many would rebel at my labeling art this way. My critics would say that it was high priced and not “over” priced. That may well be. I have talked to a number of artists and the vast majority do not get paid for the value of their efforts and creativity. However, just like in athletics, a few stand out and are disproportionally rewarded for their efforts. 
This type of courage is the most obvious and perhaps least subtle. The mountain climber, the motorcycle racer, the football player, the sky diver all display what to some of us would seem to be a reckless disregard for life. Each of these individuals risk life and limb for either fame, fortune, fun or to achieve some goal. Often money is the least of their motivations for risking their lives. These people do things that leave most of us awestruck but also inspired. We watch their events on TV, in the movies and at live shows. We never fail to be impressed by the exploits and daring do that such individuals undertake. Risk is the hallmark of their efforts and we note that many of them pay for their risky behaviors. Death is an ever present companion for these people. Somehow though, they rise above the fears that chain the rest of us to the TV and they are out there doing what many of us only do in our dreams.
What do you do when someone tells you that your ideas are stupid and that you will never amount to anything? If you are like most of us, you give up and go on to something else. The person with intellectual courage though is different from the rest of us. They don’t give up on their ideas. They plod forward in the face of distain, insults and criticism. Many times they are dead and buried before the value of their ideas are recognized. Darwin, Mendel, Pasteur and Copernicus were all ridiculed and ostracized for many years before their ideas were accepted. Socrates was executed for his ideas. Indeed, here is what Socrates said at his trial:
I have a good friend of mine who will not go to funerals. They make him feel very sad and he tries to avoid such feelings. No one of us likes to feel sad. It takes a kind of courage to go to a funeral. What do you say at a funeral to the friends and relatives of the departed one? How do you act? What if you did not know the person very well? There are many ways to feel embarrassed or like a fish out of water at a funeral. Easier to stay home then go. But it takes a certain kind of courage to deal with emotional risk. Any courage is difficult because of the risk. Emotional risk entails looking stupid, feeling stupid or having to deal with difficult feelings. A person with emotional courage confronts these situations with a degree of bravery and élan that escapes many of us.
One of the greatest fears that many people have is called “stage fright” or fear of public speaking. Many professional speakers and actors/actresses feel significant stage fright. Actress Carol Burnett was so nervous that she threw up before many of her performances. Most of us would never think of getting up on a stage. I know that people call it stage fright, but it is not really about the stage, it is really about us. Who wants to look stupid and particularly in front of hundreds or people? It takes emotional courage to deal with life. All of us have it, but we often choose not to exercise it. We simply spend our lives trying to avoid situations that might make us look dumb or embarrass ourselves. The people with emotional courage deal with these situations and take the risk that the rest of us hide from.
The world is full of examples of moral courage. However, to my way of thinking, the amount of moral cowardice far outweighs the shining examples of moral courage. The number of Martin Luther Kings, Gandhis, Mandelas, Parks, Kellers and Kyis are dwarfed by the number of moral cowards who turn the quote I noted above around. These are the people who when in the majority would tyrannize the minorities. They are the moral cowards who use their positions to foster hatred and bigotry and intolerance towards the disadvantaged and weak. They prey on the sick and 
hungry and would deny benefits or help to anyone who is not a member of their tribe or affiliation. They go through life pretending to be good people and deluding themselves that they are.
Nevertheless, in the face of all this iniquity, the majority of humankind has a spiritual courage that defies logic. The majority of people want to do good for the world. The majority of people are good and most people try to leave the world a better place then they found it. This is truly an amazing observation. More people are spiritual heroes than not. Every day those who have the courage and strength to get out of bed and to start a new day show a sense of spiritual courage. It would be easier to hide and to do nothing then to face the daily rigors of life on our planet. Yet, that is what the majority of people do each day. They get out of bed. They go to work. They volunteer. They innovate and create. They campaign for their ideals. They build. They love. They pay taxes. They die. And the cycle starts all over again for the next generation.
One day a young student came to me and complained that he felt that his rights had been violated. At the time, I took any students complaints very seriously particularly when it concerned rights. I listened to his problem and asked him what he wanted me to do about it. He asked if I would intercede on his behalf with Sister Giovanni, who was our principal. I wanted to show the young man that I was concerned and caring and so I agreed to carry his problem to Sister G as she was known. She was feared and loved by almost all students so it did not surprise me that he thought I might have more luck with Sister G than he would have. 
I went to Sister G’s office and knocked on her door. She opened it and welcomed me in. We exchanged some pleasantries and she asked me what I needed. I began to explain the issue that the student had brought to me. Sister G listened attentively. When I was done, she smiled and nodded reassuringly. I thought “Great, I have been successful.” She then spoke, “This is your first year teaching right John?” “Yes, it is,” I answered. “Well, I have heard the issue and I may address it later, but I want to give you an important piece of advice now. Students just like the majority of people will always demand their rights, but they seldom demand their responsibilities.” Then, she gave me the philosophy that I have never forgotten. “John,” she continued, “for every right there is always a responsibility.” That was the end of our discussion.
What is the solution to the problem that we are facing today? A poisonous cultural stew of narcissism and entitlement driven by a rights only oriented mentality that thinks they are above responsibilities. I have reached the point in this essay where it would be easy to say, “Sorry, I don’t have the answer.” Or else, I could now list several bromides which may or may not have much effect. I have the following solution which I believe in 100 percent. I doubt that it would be acceptable to Americans as too many people have grown privileged, lazy, and indulgent in this country. 
My solution is for a National Required Service (NRS) that starts at the age of 18 for every man and woman in America. Upon finishing high school and before starting college, every American would need to attend the National Required Service. They would have two options. The first option would be to choose between a two-year service or a four-year service. A two-year service would be the minimum. The advantage of a longer service would lie in the educational benefits that would accrue. Serve two years and you would receive two years of financial credit towards any public education institution of your choice in the country including vocational education as well as liberal arts. Choose a four-year tour of service and you would receive four years of financial credit towards the public institution of your desire.
Aging Capriciously 