Aging Capriciously

A good reputation is more valuable than
costly perfume.
And the day you die is better than the day
you are born.
Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties.
After all, everyone dies —
so the living should take this to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
for sadness has a refining influence on us.
A wise person thinks a lot about death,
while a fool thinks only about having a good time.

Ecclesiastes: 7:1-4

I was listening to a sermon on Sunday which had to do with Ecclesiastes 5. I could not resist reading more and came upon the above bit of wisdom. I had to read it twice before it finally made sense to me. At first I thought it either sarcastic or just plain morbid. Who wants to think that laughter is worse than sorrow? Don’t most of us want to have a good time? Who would rather go to a funeral than a party? What does the writer mean that sorrow has a refining influence on us?

The more I reflected on these words, the more I realized the wisdom of the author. Our times are now full of people who think only about having a good time. The common person today wants to have it ALL NOW and furthermore feels entitled to it. Once upon a time, it seemed only the young had such grandiose notions of their rights and entitlements. Today, it is equally the old and young. It is no longer a generation definer. Old and young alike want more and want it now. They know their rights but sadly have no clue or idea as to their responsibility. Perhaps we need more signs or information so people can understand that as Sister Giovanni once told me “John, there are no rights without responsibilities.” Parents, students, teachers, lawyers, politicians and just about everyone in our culture today knows their rights but how many could tell you what their responsibilities are?

By the way, this is not a class thing, not an ethnic thing, not an age thing, not an income thing and not an education thing. Young and old, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, all clamor for their rights. Rights without responsibility are the sine qua non of “having a good time.” It is the proverbial free ride through life. Work easy, rest a lot and get rich. It used to be that getting rich meant: hard work, education and good moral values. Today the path seems to be more often through one of the following:

• Sue someone
• Win a lottery
• Get a government subsidy

Recently, you could add “get discovered” by some TV reality show to the above list.
Maybe it is not such a bad thing to think that “we can have it all and not get hooked.’ On the other hand, maybe a better guide to life would involve finding a balance in how we spend our time. What if we spent as much of our cultural and social time on responsibilities as we did on rights? I can only dream:

• Crime would plummet
• Students would respect their peers and teachers
• Road rage would disappear
• Politicians would all be honest
• Greed and avarice would become things of the past
• The old would respect the young and vice versa
• People would spend as much time on politics as on sports
• Eggheads would be as valued as Jocks

Well, I just woke up from my dream. Pure fantasy. I am afraid the clock will not go back and as the writer from Ecclesiastes said in the next verse:

“Don’t long for ‘the good old days.’ This is not wise.” Eccl 7:10

What will it take to restore the obligations of responsibilities to our national conscience? Will we be able to get people to think more about death and less about having a good time? Do you feel that we have a problem here? Do you know your social, ethical, and moral responsibilities to others? How many of the people around you do? Do you value your soul as much as your possessions?

I have decided to buy a Grandmother clock! You mean you have never heard of a Grandmother clock. Why should this concept seem strange? Particularly in this day of equal rights and political correctness, maybe clocks should be more neutral or maybe we should create a Grandmother clock, at least in the interest of fairness. I was curious if anyone else had thought of the idea of a Grandmother clock or if I was just a “Johnnie come lately” so I looked up Grandmother clock on the Internet. I found over 28,000 hits and the following definition: “Grandmother clocks are usually considered to be a smaller floor clock measuring 80 inches or less. Grandmother clocks are perfect for smaller rooms, hallways, landings and smaller foyers.” I even found Grandson and Granddaughter clocks.

The next question I had was “how come I have never seen or heard anyone talk about Grandmother, Grandson and Granddaughter clocks?” Oh well, that’s a question for another day. It’s nice to know that everyone can have a clock. Do you suppose uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews, not to mention father and mothers also have clocks? Well, go ahead: “Make my day and look it up on Google.” Go ahead and tell me that I am really out of step. I suppose there are clocks for names too; like John clocks and Peter clocks and Mary clocks and Emily clocks. Maybe that could be a line of business: “Name clocks.” Each type would be somewhat different and would be unique to the individual name.

My John clock would be made out of diamonds, platinum, gold, rubies and sapphires. It would be ten feet tall and would tell analog time. The numbers on the face would be diamonds, rubies and sapphires. The hands of the clock would be silver and the pendulums would be made out of solid gold. The case would be made of ebony and the face of the clock would be made of non-endangered ivory. My clock would always run fast. Can you design a clock for your name? What would it look like and what would it be made out of? Would it run fast or slow?

October is the tenth month of the year. Our primary association with October is fall and the leaves turning colors leading us into the bleaker season of winter and snows. There are several quite memorable holidays in October including: Halloween, All Hallows Eve, Oktoberfest and Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead. Some of these holidays celebrate a continuation with life after death. The Aztecs and other Central American tribes celebrated a Day of the Dead since they viewed death as a continuation of life. Instead of fearing death, they embraced it; to the Aztecs, life was a dream and only in death did they become truly awake and alive. In countries that celebrate Halloween, we can see a similar association with the spirit world as manifested in ghosts, vampires, goblins and witches.

Oktoberfest of course is another story. The first Oktoberfest took place in 1810 in Bavaria to celebrate the marriage of Prince Ludwig and Princess Therese. It has since evolved to become known as one of the largest beer drinking parties in the world. Numerous places now host “Oktoberfest” days complete with lots of beer, German sausage and polka music. In Minnesota, Oktoberfest may occur in September since by October it might be too cold to sit outside and enjoy a pitcher of beer. By the beginning of October, our leaves will be at the peak of their colors and by the end of October, the leaves will have mostly fallen and we will be counting the days until our first snow storm. Of course, this year Karen and I are in Arizona for October and will not be back until the beginning of April. The images are very different down here but the holidays and traditions remain the same.

October seems like a month to start thinking about hibernating and winding down before the winter begins. It is hard to describe the eerie beauty of the MN woods in October once all the leaves have fallen and before the snow has turned. If we are lucky, we get what is called an “Indian Summer” where we get a few extra days of really warm summer like weather before the cold crashes down on us. We revel in these days, for we know, we will soon become like hobbits and take to our abodes to succor the warmth. We will have our supply of fireplace wood amply stacked for the long dark cold winter months to come. The gales of November will soon follow the gremlins and goblins. Many people no longer wait until after Thanksgiving to put their Christmas lights up. Halloween has become the new marker as the day to start putting lights up and even begin the annual Christmas shopping season.

Why do things seem to keep happening faster and faster and earlier and earlier? Why is Halloween now a major holiday in so many parts of North America? What does October mean to you? Do you connect with your departed ancestors? Do you look forward to the changing colors or simply can’t wait to get to an Oktoberfest party? Do you start thinking about Christmas or do you put it off until after Thanksgiving?

As time goes by, we see the memories, places, events and dreams we have experienced pass through our lives as though we were looking out a window. But the memories of our lives do not simply pass by once never to return. They seem to travel by in an endless circle, where they come by again and again. Indeed, some come by more often than others. Many of these memories bring poignant thoughts of better days or happier times. Some bring remorse and sadness as we think of the mistakes and missed opportunities in our lives. Others bring regrets that we may have thought were long over. Memories can bring both happiness and sadness. The happy days of the past may also bring sadness as we wish we could spend time with our mom, father, siblings, or friends again. Alas, we cannot go back except in our memories. Certain events cannot be summarized with single feelings. Some of our memories bring back old questions which we still have not answered. What if I had only? Why did we? What did they do that for?

Hindsight is not always 20-20 as many times we do not have answers for our lives. Looking at the past, we may think of new reasons but we are never sure if they are the real reason or not. After my first divorce, I started looking for the reasons my marriage failed. Within a few years, I was up to 32 reasons. I began to wonder if they all caused my marriage to fail or perhaps it was only one of them. Which one was the big question? It took a few years for me to get over the quest for a solution. However, twenty five years after my first marriage ended, a new “reason” popped into my mind. I am not sure if this is the “real” reason or just a new reason. I am becoming reconciled to the fact that I may never know. This is a very hard position for anyone to accept. We want to believe that there is reason for everything.

Have you ever wondered why some memories seem to come by more frequently than others? What memories seem to repeat themselves in your life? Are they happy or sad? Are they moments of success or failure? Are they things you wish you could do over differently or would you do them exactly the same again? Maybe you can still do something about the past. What if it were not too late?

“Gee, I don’t have enough time to write in my time book today.” How often has that happened, that you scheduled something to do and then just did not have enough time to do it? Why does this happen? Obviously, it happens because something else comes up that we judge to be more important. Since it is more important, it has a higher priority for our time and goes to the top of our “to do” list. My sister unexpectedly came over to visit, the baby was born, the car broke down, I was fired, the sun came out, we had a blizzard, etc., etc., and etc. We can find a million reasons for not having time and there would still be more. Two things are undeniable here. The first is, we are making a choice and prioritizing our time. We have the option of not changing our schedules but it can be quite difficult to avoid it. The second is, “shit happens.” We cannot control the world, other people, or the weather.

When the unexpected arises, which it invariably will, we must be prepared to be flexible. We all know what happened to the dinosaurs. Actually, do we really know why the dinosaurs died? Was it because they were inflexible or did a big asteroid simply obliterate them? What if despite our best efforts to be “flexible” a big asteroid simply obliterates us? Well, please don’t lose too much sleep over this. It will change your schedule but that’s okay, because no one else will care.

Regarding your life, how often do you not have enough time? Is it a common or uncommon occurrence? What do you attribute this to? Are you in the flexible or inflexible camp? Do you take responsibility for your decisions or do you blame “events beyond your control?”

When someone tells you to “take your time”, do they really mean it? Or do they really mean: “I will be patient with you but you are keeping me waiting.” Perhaps, they mean: “Please do not rush; I will try to be patient.” However, is it your time or their time that is being taken when you “take your time? What time could you take anyway? Where would you take it from? Can you reach into a barrel and pull time out or pluck it out of thin air? If time is in short supply, perhaps you cannot just take time, you must pay it back. This assumes that a law similar to the law of conservation of matter and energy also pertains to time. Such a law would state that there is no extra time in the universe, but that it is merely transferred from one person to another.

I suspect people do not always mean what they say or say what they mean. Whenever I say “take your time”, I know it is an effort on my part to be patient. It becomes a good opportunity for me to practice patience. Sometimes when I am at an intersection and the car in front of me just seems planted, I think “Take your time.” I have been known to honk or get agitated. I once remember getting ready to really lay on my horn, only to notice a disabled license plate on the car. Other times, I have noticed very young or very elderly people in the car. I think, “what if it was my mother in the car or a young beginning driver?” I feel guilty those times when I have laid on the horn. What does it take to exercise a little patience and let them “take their time?”

When someone tells you to “take your time”; are you grateful? Do you appreciate that they are letting you take their time as well as your time? Do you always take your time or do you try to get your work done as quickly as possible? What are the advantages of taking your time? What are the disadvantages? Can you see pro’s and con’s to taking your time? Maybe the world would be a better place if more of us took our time. What do you think?

Energizer bunnies never run down, they just keep on running and running and running. Clocks are like bunnies as well but we don’t identify with them as we do with the energizer bunny. The bunny ads are very catchy for the precise reason that so many of us feel like these bunnies, we keep on running and running and running. Some pundits have described life in modern society as akin to being on a tread mill or like rats running on wheels in a cage. At the end of the run, where are we? Do we go back to the same place we began or do we find ourselves better off? Is working harder to earn more so that we can buy more so that we can play more the solution? Is happiness the accumulation of material things that allow us to more play time? If so, then accumulating more and more money so that we can have more and more things should be the path to happiness. Instead, it seems that most people are on the path to increased debt and increased stress. Someone once said, only three things are needed to be happy:

1. Someone you love and who loves you
2. Something you love to do
3. Something to hope for

Perhaps it takes more to be happy, but these three goals provide a good start. Ironically, the path to achieve these goals is more connected to how we spend our time than how we spend our money. You cannot buy love. You cannot buy happiness in your life but you can spend your time wisely and this will result in happiness. Spending your time with people and relationships rather than things will lead to more and better relationships and you will find more happiness in these things than in the material things of life. This is not to say that we should not own things or that some things are not essential for life. However, the mindless pursuit of materialism for more and more things has long been recognized by the prophets and wise people of the world as the path to misery. A recent Time Magazine article noted a study which showed that people who made more than 75,000 dollars a year were no happier. It appears that, at least in the USA, happiness peaks at 75 grand a year. Making more than that does not lead to increased happiness.

Are you on the energizer bunny treadmill or do you balance your life with people and friendships? Do you spend as much time on relationships as you do shopping? Have you found the love of your life and do you carefully nurture and spend time renewing that love or are you too busy acquiring new things? Are you working on the three things needed for happiness or are you working on acquiring more “things?”

Have you ever thought about the idea of a “charity” for time? What would one of these be like if one did exist? We have charities for people who are down on their money and charitable organizations that provide meals and other non-profit services. What if we had charities for people who needed time? I suppose when people volunteer their time as for Habitat for Humanity, it is a form of time charity. Wikipedia has the following to say about the word charity:

“The word “charity” entered the English language through the Old French word “charité” which was derived from the Latin “caritas”. Originally, in Latin the word caritas meant preciousness, dearness, high price. From this, in Christian theology, caritas became the standard Latin translation for the Greek word agapē, meaning an unlimited loving-kindness to all others.”

The thoughts contained in this definition are very beautiful: Preciousness, dearness, kindness, can you think of any better words to describe a donation of ones time. Sometimes, we hear the word “pro-bono” applied to a donation of time by lawyers and consultants. Again, in Wikipedia we find the following:

“Pro-bono publico (often shortened to pro bono) is a phrase derived from Latin meaning “for the public good”. It is used to designate legal or other professional work undertaken voluntarily and without payment.”

We can find many examples of people and organizations volunteering their time through some form of official channel, but we still do not find structured “charities for time” where anyone can go who needs time. A time charity could either lend you time or ask you to replace any time borrowed with a commitment of your own time at a later date. If you simply needed your lawn cut and did not have time to do it, you would call the “time charity” and say “I need some time.” The exchange would not involve money, but rather a simple donation or exchange of time later. In a society where time is so short and precious, it would be interesting to see some group who could coordinate on a large scale the donations of time.

Have you ever needed time and not had enough money to buy help? Would you volunteer to be a member of a time charity if you could repay the time given later? Can you think of anything better to donate than time? Is money as good a donation as time? Do you volunteer your time now as well as your money to help others?

Parenting time is increasingly scarce in today’s world. With global competition fueling longer working hours and dual career families, it becomes very difficult to find the time to spend with our children. Parenting time (as the experts suggest) should be quality time and this means more than just sitting in front of a TV or a movie with our children. It means interacting with them in a meaningful way.

The definition of a parent is someone who begets or gives birth to a child or someone who is the guardian of a child and looks out for their best interests. Part of a child’s best interests comes from regular interaction with a parent, teacher or role model. Parents teach children by example the lessons they need to be successful in life. Much of this takes place vicariously but some takes place in the form of stories, lessons, lectures, sayings, family traditions and family interaction. Some recent studies have cast doubts on the quality of life for children being raised in the U.S. and Great Britain. A UNICEF study of 21 of the most highly developed countries in the world rated the quality of life for children in the U.S as next to last. Only Great Britain scored worse. How is it that in the most powerful and most economically developed nation in the world, children can not find a good place to grow up? Are we all so busy that we have no time for our children? Is work and growing an economy only done at the expense of the young?

The report noted: “Where Britain and America really score badly, however, is in the categories of relationships and risky behavior. British and American children apparently spend less time (and eat fewer meals) with their parents, compared with the other countries, and seem to be somewhat less happy with their friends and in school (The Economist, Feb 14th 2007). The evidence suggests then that time is the most critical variable. However, how can we have time for our kids, when we are too busy earning money to spend on them? It is a bit of a paradox. American children probably have more toys than any children in the world. The UNICEF study suggests it is not toys they want but time.

Do you spend time with you children each day? Do you make sure you have quality time with your children and meaningful interaction? Are you a role model for your children or do you teach them to “do as I say and not as I do?” Do you think your children will grow up and want to be the same kind of parent you were for them? If not, why not?

No time for heroes- In an article by Bernie Reeves (May 2001), he writes: “Yet, even the most decorated veterans of the World War II era make it clear that they did not set out to become heroes, they just did their job. Heroes, it seems, are not born but created by events. And the events have to be interpreted in the right light to qualify for hero creation.” We have seen periods in history where heroes were laughed at as romantic fools and other periods where the lack of heroes was bemoaned. Since 911, it seems that we are on the upswing, with heroism being lauded practically daily in the news or TV media. We have seen anti-heroes, superheroes, cowards who become heroes and people for whom heroism is a part of their daily job. At one point, a hero was anyone who risked their life to save others when they were under no obligation to do so. We did not think of a hero or heroine as someone “just” doing their job. Today though, doctors, soldiers, nurses, fire-people and police are all hailed as heroes. There was a poem by Edwin Arlington Robinson called “Richard Cory” in which everyone admired and envied the dapper and suave Mr. Cory.

In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us with that we were in his place,

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Dr. Ossian Sweet, (1905-1960) an African American man who stood up for what he believed and was a hero by any stretch of the imagination said: “I have to die a man or live a coward.” Dr. Sweet tried his hand at politics, running four times and losing each time. He married his childhood sweetheart but divorced and remarried; the second also ending in divorce. In 1960, after years of ill health and depression, he was found dead, a bullet through his head and a revolver in his hand. It is tough work being a hero.

We admire heroes and heroines and the world is a better place because of them. We each wonder in our hearts when we hear about some heroic episode what we would have done. Would we have just stood there watching or would we have run into the burning house, jumped into the icy pond or charged the raging bull. I hope that our world will always have a time for heroes and heroines and not make a mockery of their bravery by downgrading it to merely living. People who become heroes and heroines may not be any different from the rest of us, but in that one second where they act and behave differently and thereby challenge the status quo, it forever puts them in a new league. They may never be able to live up to the expectations that attend their heroism but we should all be forever grateful to them for those few seconds of action. Heroes and heroines show us a world that could be when selfishness and greed are cast aside for love and loyalty.

Where do heroes/heroines get the time? Where do they get the courage? How many of us would risk our lives for an idea, for someone we did not know, for a principle that most people would hate us for upholding? Are we all heroes for going about our daily lives and trying to live the best we can? Or should the label be reserved for those special men and women who put their lives on the line at a time when most of the rest of the world will just stand by watching?