Aging Capriciously

“But time makes you bolder” are lines from a song by the rock group Fleetwood Mac. But does it? We have a saying in motorcycling that “There are bold riders and there are old riders, but there are no ‘old’ bold riders.” I find that as I grow older, I am getting more cautious in many areas of my life. When we are young, we think we will live forever. When we grow old, we are much more aware of our mortality. We no longer think we are invincible. We have suffered broken bones and broken hearts. We realize that few things will last forever. This makes us more cautious. Once you find that fire burns, you are less likely to stick your hand in it. There are many things in life that burn. The older we get, the (hopefully) wiser we become.

As with anything, we can be overly cautious. Age can bring wisdom and vigilance. However, excessive vigilance and caution can make us pass up many wonderful opportunities. Live cannot be lived to the fullest strictly by observing caution. I tell my students that everything in life involves risk. We all must be risk takers to live. There are two types of risk takers. One is smart, these are the risk minimizers. The other is foolish. These are the risk maximizers. For example, a risk maximizer does not wear a helmet while riding. A risk minimizer always wears a helmet when riding. You cannot be successful in business without taking risks either. However, you have a choice between being a risk minimizer or a risk maximizer. A smart business person tries to minimize risk.

The question for all of us as we age is this: “Where do we need to be “bolder” and where is it smart to be more cautious?” I would hate to think that growing old meant I had to give up motorcycling, skiing, skydiving, scuba diving or any of the other sports that I enjoy. Nevertheless, I would like to think I am more cautious in each of these activities and that I no longer take the same risks I did when I was younger and bolder. Where in your life have you become more cautious? Where have you become too cautious? Are there areas where you need to take “more” risk? How about areas where you need to take fewer risks?

“Run Lola Run” was a fascinating movie about the subject of time and chance in our lives. In the movie, a young woman gets to keep replaying the same twenty minutes during which time she must find and bring 100,000 Deutschmarks to her boyfriend before he robs a grocery store. If he does not come up with the money, he will forfeit his life to the thief whose money he lost. If he robs the store, he will be killed or become an outlaw. It is up to Lola to use the twenty minutes to get the money and bring it to her boyfriend. When she is not successful the first time, the clock is reset and she gets to try again. Each time the clock is reset, the movie starts out with Lola madly running, as she is fully aware that she has only twenty minutes to save her boyfriend. Each time, you think that it is a replay but you will soon notice that something different happens each time leading to a different result. There are three or four “retakes” and finally she gets it “right.” She obtains the money and saves her boyfriends life.

The story is engrossing as we want Lola to succeed. However each time she fails, it makes us wonder if it is really in the cards. But Lola does not give up. Many of us think that this is just the movies. In life we never get a second chance. We cannot reply the mistakes we made. At least that is how many of us feel. In reality, we replay our mistakes many times. Do you know anyone who had an unhappy or wronged life on the basis of only one event? When you notice someone going to jail for some crime, it is seldom that they do so for the “first” offense. If we are not patient, compassionate or happy, it is generally not the result of one episode of mistreatment. Similarly, our lives do not have to continue down the same track. As the saying goes “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

What in your life, do you wish you could replay? Where have you given up and not taken the second, third or even fourth try? What would happen today if you could play it over and keep trying until you got it right? What might be different in your life now? Is it too late, or have you simply given up? Perhaps not all things can be changed, but there are many that can. What can you find in your life that you can and will start to replay?

Father Time – the personification of time as a bearded man of advanced years, usually wearing a robe and sometimes carrying a scythe or an hourglass. Some say he is derived from the Greek God Saturn or Chronos. I would like to know why he is Father Time and not Mother Time. Why does he not have a female companion on his journeys? Have you ever noticed that many of the Greek virtues are feminine? However, time is always thought of as masculine. While we speak of Mother Earth we are led by Father Time. Time is the progenitor of life. Without time nothing happens. Eggs would not develop; life would not spring forth to grow. Thus Father Time becomes a key parent to all life. Just as Mother Earth nurtures life, Father Time gives life or at least provides the key elements for life to grow. Life can be seen as requiring both the masculine and feminine elements. The female elements are embodied in nurturance and support. The masculine elements are action oriented driven by time and tasks.

What are the implications of this view of time as masculine? Who is Father Time a father to? What parental guidance or parental role does he play in our daily lives? One might ask what role you as a parent play with your children in respect to time. Do you get them up in the morning to go to school? Do you let them sleep in on the weekends? Do you make sure they get their chores done on time? What are the parental responsibilities that you transmit to your children in respect to time? What do your expectations teach your children about time? What should you be teaching your children about time?

“Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be.” This was a poem that my first wife found when we were just married. I loved the poem and in some sense it embodied what I felt married life should be about. There were many times within our marriage where I thought about this poem. We ended in divorce after 16 years. I was never sure why the marriage ended. We fought, loved, laughed and suffered through ups and downs with money but none of these things ended the marriage. I once added up all my theories on why the marriage ended and I came up with 32 theories. Many years later, I came up with a new theory and decided that all the old theories were bunk. For years we saw each other and I considered my former wife a friend. However, we have since drifted apart and for perhaps the same unfathomable reasons that the marriage failed, the friendship has since faded away.

I am left with the poem and while I still think about it a great deal, it now is more related to my second marriage and the hopes and dreams I have for it. What a wonderful thought that we can share life together with another person and expect that the best of life is still to come. I am facing old age and looking towards the last years of my life. Yet, I can more easily believe the words of this poem today then when I was young. I now realize that relationships are not made in heaven, they are made on earth. Relationships are like flowers and gardens. They must be nurtured and pampered and tended daily with loving care. There will be weeds and dry days and floods and tornados. Rabbits and other critters will intrude on your garden and eat your flowers. A garden is not fixed in stone. Each year requires renewed effort to bring out the best in it. Our relationships are a lot like gardens. If you continue working on your relationships, they will only get better and better. If you think that your garden will take care of itself and never need replanting or watering, you will soon find that your garden is nothing but weeds and stones.

Do you have faith that your relationships with your friends and loved ones can be better or do you just take them for granted? Do you believe that your life would get better and better if you were improving more each day? Do you think your life might also be like a garden? What could you do to improve your relationships or your life today? What challenges could you take today to make your life more interesting or more fun? What parts of your relationships with your loved ones need watering or replanting? What weeds do you need to remove in your relationships?

A birth statement! Have you ever created one? In some cultures, it is customary to make a birth statement before a baby is born. The mother sets down her values and preferences regarding the expected birth of her baby. In other cultures, a birth statement may be a set of prophecies for a newborn child regarding its future. Parents, friends and relatives gather together to wish the newborn health and happiness. Unfortunately the key party to these proceedings will have no clue as to what is going on. However, imagine, if the newborn were more articulate and could speak for him or herself? Well, with little experience of the world, it would seem very difficult for the child to express any relevant desires.

I suppose a newborn could continue to wish for a good mother, a reasonable amount of food on a daily basis and a great deal of warmth and comfort. Beyond these basic needs, it would take more experience of the outside world before anyone could really know what they wanted or expected out of life. Indeed, our wants and expectations are constantly undergoing change throughout our entire lives. Can you think of anything more dynamic or changeable then your own wants and needs over your lifetime? Things we want today, we may come to regret owning or purchasing or obtaining tomorrow. If only foresight were as good as hindsight. Nevertheless, there is no ignoring the role that experience plays in our lives. Reflection and contemplation will only take you so far. To really understand life, you must live it. You must participate in it.

So what would you like said about you when you were born? We are often asked to think about what we would like to have said about ourselves when we die. However, if you had a chance to make a speech when you were born or to have someone make a speech for you, what would you like said about you at this time? What prophesies, dreams or hopes would you want to have expressed about your life? Pretend you are making this speech for yourself. Jot down a few notes and read them to yourself. Then read them to someone who cares about you. What were your reactions? What were their reactions? How would your life be different if you had achieved theses expectations? Would your life be much different? How? What changes could you still make that would help you to achieve your birth statement?

The ant and the grasshopper is a story by Aesop, (620–560 BC), a slave and story-teller who lived in Ancient Greece. Most Baby Boomers would be familiar with this story. It involves a colony of ants and a grasshopper. The ants are depicted as very industrious and constantly going about their work of collecting and storing food. The grasshopper just wants to jump and play all summer. He is usually seen with a fiddle and dancing. The grasshopper thinks the ants are foolish since they are working and slaving in the warm summer sun when they could be frolicking and enjoying the great weather. The ants are looking to the future. They are thinking about the cold winter that is only months away. The grasshopper’s only care is for today. He is thinking short-term.

Inevitably the winter comes. The grasshopper is ill prepared. He has stored no food nor can he find any on the cold frozen ground. He goes to the ants for food. They scorn his solicitations and advise him that next time (if he survives) instead of playing; he should be working and saving up. This story reminds me of the situation that many baby boomers now face with retirement benefits. There are many of us who have spent, spent, spent and never saved enough to have a decent retirement. Now when others are retiring we will need to continue to work. This may not be a big problem unless you do not have the health to continue to work.

I often wish I had been more like the ant when I was younger. I realized somewhat late in life the value of saving. Today, I try to balance more between saving and spending. It is really a question of balance. Perhaps the ants would enjoy life more and be more generous if they could take a few days off to play each summer. The grasshopper should learn to balance his desire for fun with some thought about his future. The Greeks got it right a few thousand years ago when they said: “All things in moderation.” We need to balance living for the short-term with living for the long-term. One saying I like is “spend your time as though you were going to die tomorrow, but spend your money as though you were going to live forever.” In other words, use time for the short-term but save your money for the long-term.” Savings is a form of deferring our standard of living for the future. Many people live only for today and spend as much as they can each day. When the future comes or a rainy day they have nothing to fall back on.

Do you balance the short-term with the long-term needs of life? Do you put money aside for a rainy day? Do you have a good financial plan? Are you thinking about saving for the future? If not, when do you plan to start? What keeps you from putting money away? Are you living too much for today?

“Gather you rosebuds while ye may”, by the English poet Robert Herrick. This is a little poem we are all familiar with from childhood or early school. It seems to be telling us that youth is the best time to catch a spouse or to accomplish some things and that if we wait too long, “we may forever tarry.” However, today, we see many people waiting longer to get married and many more couples choosing not to marry. Robert Herrick’s quote may be less germane and even seem antiquated to the present generation. The emphasis today is on speed and action. Delay and reflection is often seen as weakness rather then strength. We live in a society that appears to value youth and vitality more than maturity and wisdom. This is not to say that youth and speed cannot be assets.

What is the real value of youth? It seems to me, it is more than just a time to marry, get things done, find a spouse, take action or even see the world. Youth is a time of flexibility. It is a time when patterns have not been set in stone. It is a time to explore and look at options. Granted, you do not have to be young to do these things. However, as we age, many of us become more set in our ways. We have learned many likes and dislikes. Age can bring inflexibility or even ruts from habits that are well worn.

Data on vehicle accidents seem to point to the relative advantages and disadvantages of age and youth. Data for accidents show peaks for youth and the elderly and declines in between the two extremes of age. The young are brash and lack experience but have great reflexes while the elderly have the experience but lack the timing and reflexes.

Thus, youth is less about gathering rosebuds and more about experimentation and creativity. Can we keep these options open as we age? To some degree, the answer is yes. Much of creativity and flexibility is a state of mind (the body is a different issue).The key is to find ways to continue flexing your mind and spirit. Ask yourself today “In what areas, have I become settled and complacent?” When was the last time I tried something really new or went somewhere new? When was the last time I took a class or made a new friend? Can you still go out and find some rosebuds or have you given up the quest? What would it take for you to start something new this week or this month? What have you always wanted to do and never started? Why not start today or this week?

I forgot to remember to forget her,
I can’t seem to get her off my mind.
I thought I’d never miss her,
But I found out somehow
I think about her almost all the time. (Sung by Elvis Presley)

I always loved this song by Elvis, perhaps for the interesting twist to the lyrics. Have you ever not been able to forget something? I am sure we all have things we would like to forget. Sometimes, it seems we think about them all the time. Often, ironically, it is only time that helps us to forget them. However if we keep rehashing the thoughts in our mind, we never let time work. We are constantly refreshing the thoughts and allowing them to be present and timely. How then, do we get them out of our mind; if even time will not erase them? One thing I do is use a prayer to help push the unwanted ideas or thoughts out. As soon as the undesirable idea or issue arises, I repeat a meditation or prayer which replaces the idea. I have found this to work quite well. There are many different types of prayers in all religions. I have a book titled: “Prayers That Avail Much” by Germaine Copeland. This book has many prayers for all occasions and can be quite helpful. Try buying a prayer book in whatever faith you practice and see how prayer can help to keep your mind fresh and peaceful.

What thoughts do you have that you want to get out of your mind? How often do they reoccur? Say a prayer today and see if it helps? The thoughts may reoccur but the meditation or prayer will help you to forget.

Have you ever thought about the relationship between complexity and time? It seems like there is one. Did you ever hear of anyone who said they lived a simple life and did not have any time? As our lives become more complex, time seems to become shorter and shorter. As we add more and more stuff to our lives, they become more and more complex. I had three motorcycles and it was confusing to keep them all running and up to date with license, insurance, oil changes, tire pressure etc. When I sold one, I simplified my life and I had more time to enjoy the two bikes I had left.

How often do we think that we are adding to the enjoyment of our lives when we are really diminishing our lives? The things we own and buy begin to possess up. We buy things to make life easier and simpler and ironically the more things we own the more complex and hectic our lives become. Think of all the stuff that you own. You must maintain it, fix it, store it and find it. Half of the time, you probably cannot find what you want anyway. Have you ever gone out to buy something, simply because you cannot find the one you own? We have a very good vegetable peeler and I could not find it the other day. I went to the market and bought two cheap ones so I would always be able to find at least one. I thought I was getting a bargain as they were only $1.99 each. Well, as soon as I started to peel a carrot, I realized why they are so cheap. So now, I have two cheap poor quality peelers than I can find but can hardly use and one very good high quality peeler that is lost someplace in the kitchen drawers.

Is your life now more complex than you would like it to be? How many times have you thought that if your live was simpler, you might enjoy it more and have more time and fun to do what you really wanted to do? Would you like to return to the simpler times? What if you started today to simplify your life? What if each week, you did one act of simplification? Where could you start to simplify your life? What stuff could you get rid of this week? One act a week and at the end of the year, you will taken 52 steps to simplify your life. As they say, all journeys start with the first step. Take a step today to simplify your life.

Never a dull moment! Do you ever have one of those days that you honestly wished were dull? A day that is without any excitement, surprises or disasters! For some of us, life is so busy that we have no time to think and hardly time to breath. We go from one event to another. We manage one project after another. We have a series of never ending appointments to attend. We careen from one meeting to another, with just time to grab a coffee in between. We fuel our constant state of activity with high energy caffeinated drinks or other energizers. Coffee, donuts and some candies now come with extra dosages of caffeine to fuel our frenzied lifestyles. Calendars, Blackberries and I-Phones are all hot-sellers as we try to manage and schedule the many varied activities that comprise our daily life. We would pity an animal if it led the type of life that some of us lead. We laugh at the rat on the treadmill but many of us have become that rat.

Do you have the type of life that is never dull? What do you think your life would be like if you had a few more “dull” moments? Are you a junkie for action? Do you think time might slow down for you if you were not constantly going from one activity to another? Do you ever take some time for just meditating during the day? Every great spiritual tradition in the world notes the spiritual benefits of meditating. “What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world and suffer the loss of his own soul? (Matthew 16:26)

Try meditating for five minutes today. If you don’t know how to meditate, look it up and find a technique to try. Go to the following website for some ideas and methods on how to meditate: http://www.learningmeditation.com. There are many different ways to meditate. Start off by meditating for only a few minutes each week. Gradually increase the time and number of days that you meditate. Your days will probably not become dull but you will gain a deeper appreciation of life.