Recently Pope Francis said that “The great majority of our sacramental marriages are null. Because they say, ‘Yes, for the rest of my life!’ but they don’t know what they are saying. . . . They say it, they have good will, but they don’t know.” This struck a chord with me because I see a great deal of naiveté, confusion and even hostility surrounding the idea of marriage. Many people scoffed at and disregarded Pope Francis’s comment. People want to continue their illusions and hate it when anyone tries to bring some clarity or truth out that might disturb their ongoing fantasies.
I think the Pope is correct though. People do not really understand what marriage is about. My blog this week and next week will look at the pros and cons of marriage in terms of the negative and positive constructs that determine what marriage is. These constructs are much more important in terms of understanding what marriage is than the idea that it is strictly a union between a man and a woman. This latter point only tells us who has traditionally been allowed to marry but not the reality of “what” marriage will actually involve. Understanding marriage means understanding much deeper and less evident truths. It means examining the myths that too many of us have regarding marriage. These myths create a distorted view of marriage that makes it difficult to find true happiness with a partner.
Let us start with the cons or perhaps the negative realities of marriage. Next week, I will cover the pros or the positive aspects of marriage. It is important to recognize that life is always full of both Yin and Yang aspects of existence. The same is true of marriage. By better understanding both, we can create marriages that are happier, more fulfilling and longer lasting.
Negative Realities of Marriage:
- Marriage is an asymmetrical relationship between two people that is most often thought of as a symmetrical relationship.
Too many people think that marriage is a “union of equals.” There is little about marriage that is ever equal. No too people on the face of the earth are equal. Equality sounds good in theory but falls flat in practice. Each partner in a marriage brings different strengths and abilities. Unless each partner is able to appreciate the nuances of these differences in themselves and their spouse, the marriage will be like an orchestra that only plays with a few of its instruments. It is important that each partner in a marriage be able to honor, respect and cherish the idea of differences in each other and to help their partner manifest these differences. This leads to growth and development rather than boredom and stagnation of a marriage.
“You know it’s never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It’s always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” — Jodi Picoult,
- Marriage is a union of opposites designed to keep the human race viable.
Despite the Bible story of the Garden of Eden, if humans had not been able to procreate, there would be no human race. Fundamental biological principles point to the inescapable and inevitable fact of procreation. Evolution or God (take your choice) created humans able to reproduce themselves. Normally, this takes an egg and a sperm that are donated by each parent. The resulting zygote will with proper care and nurturing grow into a facsimile of both parents. The baby has the genotype of both parents in their DNA and at some point in their future can also reproduce and thereby continue the development of the species.
The above process sounds very clinical but it is also accompanied by a great deal of fun and pleasure which no doubt helps to insure that humans find sex enjoyable and desirable irrespective of the goal of perpetuating the species. This latter fact has not been overlooked by both governments and religions which have often tried to yoke this sexual desire and passion to their own goals. Thus, Hitler for instance gave medals to women having babies that would help grow the Third Reich. The Chinese instituted a one baby per couple policy to control population growth. The Catholic Church denigrates the idea of sex without the goal of procreation and masturbation is still considered a sin. The Church’s goal is to channel sexual energy into creating more Catholics and thus ensuring that the religion as well as the race will continue.
You may well ask: “Well, what is the negative here with this issue. Do not most humans look forward to the idea of sexual reproduction? Are not children one of the great joys for humanity?” The answer to both questions is yes and will be discussed later. Nevertheless, the negative issues are twofold. First, the one I already mentioned in respect to the manipulation by both church and state of the function for their own purposes. The second issue is more widespread and more problematic. Many couples and individuals often do not put the well-being of their offspring as their first priority. Too often, children are born to people who have no desire or ability to give proper care to them. It has been said that you need to have a license to have a dog but any idiot can have a child without the means, motives or ability to take proper care of them.
Children deepen, complicate, and test the “I do’s” of marriage. — Dr. David Stoop and Dr. Jan Stoop
- Marriage appears as a mirage of love, joy and harmony to outsiders.
How often have you known a couple who went through a divorce and your reactions were “I thought they were so happily married. They seemed like the perfect couple.” As we get older, you would think that most of us would have learned the truth. There are no perfect marriages and there are no perfect couples. The fantasy stage of marriage lasts for about six months and then the reality sets in.
The problem is that most people want to hide the authenticity of their marriage from their friends, relatives and even from each other. “Everything is perfect. We never fight. We have no problems. We agree on everything.” Such seems to be the truth to those who are looking in from the outside. The real truth should be obvious. Any marriage without discord is doomed to failure. Those who would protect themselves from disagreements and dissension will sooner or later be in divorce court shouting and screaming obscenities at each other. The pent up frustrations of years of obsequience and servitude now become a torrent of disgust and animosity.
“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest – never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.” — Ann Landers
- Once we are married, we will live happily ever after.
No you will not. Only in a fairy tale do people live happily ever after. In a marriage, you will go through, suffering, heartache, jealousy, vindictiveness, lust, shame, anger and more sadness than you have ever thought possible. You will (if you are married long enough) watch your spouse die and perhaps even some of your children. My Godmother (my Aunt Mary) turned 102 on July 26th of this year. She has seen her parents, grandparents, husband, three children and all of her six siblings die. She is not a sad woman but instead rejoices at the long and mostly happy life that her god has granted her. Many of us would wonder how she can be so positive for someone who has been through so much sorrow.
She once told me that she simply went on each day with a positive attitude to appreciate all that life would bring. This meant being a good person, helping others and reaching out to make new friends and experience new things. At 90+ years she was still volunteering at a senior center to serve meals and help in the kitchen. If you want to live happily ever after, be prepared to accept the ups and downs of life and never quit. Marriage is not a sprint but a marathon.
“Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.” — Abraham Lincoln
- Marriage is a legal contract that binds us until death do us part.
Pope Francis was right on the money here. The marriage contract only binds most marriages until one or the other is sick and tired of the marriage. Then, in less time than it takes to get a wedding certificate, you can get a divorce certificate. You do not even need to specify hardships or malignant conditions in most States. It is simply a matter of saying “I don’t” instead of “I do.” The tired and clichéd vow spoken at most wedding ceremonies has become a thing of the past. Like the dinosaurs, the idea of “until death do us part” is both obsolete and irrelevant. The “in sickness and in health” part also falls flat. Few in their early years have any real understanding of what taking care of a senior citizen will entail, particularly doing so when they become a senior citizen themselves.
People have always been able to opt out of a marriage through divorce. Divorce was known in the time of the Egyptians, Greeks and Romans prior to 800 BCE without written contracts. In 800 BCE, written marriage contracts first appeared. The reasons for divorce were probably very similar in ancient times to the reasons for most divorces today. One study showed the following as the most common reasons for divorce in modern times:
- Adultery; Extramarital sex; Infidelity
- Domestic violence
- Midlife crisis
- Addictions, e.g. alcoholism and gambling
- Workaholism
- Money problems
The following chart shows divorce trends in the USA from 1860 through 2000. As you can see, the frequency of divorces increased dramatically from a low of less than 2 divorces per thousand marriages to a high of 22 divorces per one thousand marriages. My guess would be that the major difference in divorce statistics from ancient to modern times would probably be in the frequency of divorces rather than in the reason for divorces.
Today if you are tired or bored or annoyed with someone, you just go and get a divorce. The idea of a vow is now considered quaint. Love and honor have been replaced by narcissism and enlightened self-interest. “What can I do for you” has been replaced by “what can you do for me.” Loyalty and faithfulness are replaced by “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” and “It was just a little fling.” When you can get a divorce in a Cracker Jack box, why work on things. It is easier to play musical divorce and find a new partner and start over again from scratch.
The cycle is very clear: “infatuation, passion, ecstasy, marriage, disagreement, disillusionment, hostility and divorce. This cycle plays itself out over and over again in at least fifty percent of the marriages in the USA. In these marriages, neither partner has ever learned the meaning of responsibility, commitment and hard work. Until these concepts are grasped, the partners have no hope of finding a long term relationship. Instead, these individuals fall into what has been called serial monogamy and hookup relationships.
“The remedy for most marital stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance and forgiveness, in sincere expressions of charity and service. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man and a woman [Or two people who love each other] to square up their shoulders and meet their obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule, a time-honored principle that should first and foremost find expression in marriage.” — Gordon B. Hinckley
- Marriage is a cause of more anger, pain, misery, jealousy and unhappiness than perhaps any other institution on the face of the earth.
Did you know that when a spouse goes missing or is found murdered, the number one suspect is the other partner. This is not profiling on the part of law enforcement. It is a simple fact worked out from experience because the evidence shows that at least one third of all female homicide victims in the U.S. are killed by male intimate partners — husbands and ex-husbands, boyfriends and estranged lovers. While both men and women experience domestic violence, women are far more likely to be murdered than men. — http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/09/men-killing-women-domesti_n_5927140.html
These murder statistics do not even begin to describe the vast amounts of domestic violence that take place under the umbrella of so-called love and marriage. Given the amount of abuse that women suffer, it is unbelievable that any of them would trust something as flimsy as a marriage contract or want to even take part in the ritual. For many women, love, honor and obey means that they will have their brains beaten out if they fail to respect the macho image of their spouse. I find it amazing that any woman in her right mind would want to enter into a marriage that has a high probability of resulting in her being battered and even murdered. I suppose the old adage is very true that “hope springs eternal in the human breast.”
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn
Time for Questions:
Have you ever been married? How many times? What do you think makes a good marriage? What have been the major problems in your marriage? What did it take to overcome these problems? If you have never been married, why not?
Life is just beginning.
“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting; take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.” — Criss Jami
Once upon a time, there was a group of creatures called humans. They evolve and live out their lives on a place they call Earth. Earth is basically a spheroidal rock that revolves around a Class 3 star (called a sun) in a galaxy named the Milky Way. No humans know where they came from, how they developed or why. This is a subject of endless debate and speculation that has led to a plethora of social organizations which humans call religions.
Conclusions:
Once upon a time there was an old farmer and his wife who had a cow that suddenly decided to stop giving milk. It was a Swedish cow and you know how stubborn those Swedes can be. The old farmer was going to go out to talk to the cow but quite unexpectedly he choked to death on a bone in a piece of lutefisk. His wife now inherited the farm, the chickens, the pigs and the stubborn Swedish cow who would not give any milk.
Unbeknownst to all, there was a small little field mouse that lived with his family in the great barn. The field mouse had overheard the plight of the farmer’s wife and the arguments of the farm animals and was quite moved by their problem. The field mouse was an avid reader and many of his kind would have called him an intellectual. He was a follower of the famous Swedish philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg and also more recently the Swedish philosopher Nick Bostrom well known for his work on existential risk, the anthropic principle, human enhancement ethics, superintelligence, the reversal test, and consequentialism. The little field mouse decided to try explaining the theory of the Anthropic Principle to the cow in the hope that logic would prevail where pure emotion had failed.
Recently, I was thinking of starting a bumper sticker business. Bumper stickers can do quite well in terms of bringing in revenue. They are cheap and inexpensive and everyone has something they want to show off to the world. If you go to any trade show or convention or some special events like Roller Girls, Star Trek conventions, Comic Cons, you will find lots of different bumper stickers at the various booths. Someone once told me that bumper stickers (selling for 1 or 2 dollars) were a bread and butter item for them. “Big expensive items hardly sold, but everyone had a dollar or two for a bumper sticker.”
Of course, a great bumper sticker business must start with great ideas that have universal appeal. You must cater to the masses. You must have themes that resonate with the common person. You can’t have bumper stickers that say confusing things like E=MC2 or Circumference= Two x Pi x r. You must have ideas that are simple to understand and that everyone can relate to. For example, one classic one that I have seen on many cars is “My Kid Kicked Your Honor Roll Kids Ass.” This of course expresses the clear concept that it is better to be a bully than be intelligent. This seems to be an idea that among Trump supporters, Tea Party advocates and many right wing extremists resonates very well.
One other example of a great bumper sticker has been around for many years. It is quite popular and goes: “God, Guns and Guts Made America Great.” This bumper sticker shows quite clearly that God loves guns and guts and thus favors Americans who have more guns and guts than any other people in the world. Statistics prove this fact as it is well known that there are enough guns in the USA for everyone to have at least three guns each for every man, woman and child in the US. Even as I write, gun manufacturers are working to improve this statistic. Ruger has a goal of selling two million guns this year and will donate a dollar for every gun sold to the NRA to help promote their goal of selling more guns. In no time at all, we will have 4 guns for every person in the country, thus helping our nation become even greater than it is.
But what the heck, you can still be fat and send drones and guided missiles to bomb the hell out of other people. Guts are overrated! If we can maim and slaughter our enemies, we will still win and that is what counts. Winning is a common bumper sticker theme and one that I have tried to utilize in the following concepts. I present these ideas as possibilities for my bumper sticker company. I am open to other ideas. Please feel free to share any great ideas you have for bumper stickers. When my bumper sticker company becomes rich and famous, I will share some of my profits with you so that you can also be “Great” someday. Thus, without further ado, here are my top ideas for “Great” bumper stickers.
I am working on other ideas but I thought this would be a good start. One caveat that must be admitted is that bumper stickers can offend some people; but as they say “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.” Furthermore, the people that buy bumper stickers usually have an innate desire to express themselves in ways that they can’t manage as well verbally. A truly challenging bumper sticker lets people say things that they could not express as succinctly or eruditely if left to their own linguistic devices. For instance, the NRA says that “When guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns.” Can you imagine the average person making such an eloquent defense of guns and assault rifles with such a short but biting comment? With one very unique phrase, millions of people have come to believe that they must buy a gun or be at the mercy of the millions of outlaws just lurking out there to rape and pillage their farms and homesteads, steal their cattle and ride off into the sunset with their women.
A great bumper sticker is an algorithm for self-expression. Those commie pinko intellectuals who can confuse you with their big words and high sounding concepts don’t stand a chance against a good bumper sticker. Bumper stickers let the average or even below average person duke it out on a level playing field with a Harvard college professor. One of my favorite bumper stickers says: “Just cause you’re so smart and went to school don’t mean you know anything.” Wow, is that profound or what! Take that you college Ph.D.’s that think you are so smart. “My son will kick your graduate son’s ass.”
The song goes “One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.” It was by Murray Head and was featured in the musical Chess. This was a story put to music about the battle between Bobby Fischer, the brilliant American chess genius and Boris Spassky the efficient machine like Russian chess grandmaster. (In the play, the antagonists are an American chess champion and a Russian chess champion and Fisher and Spassky are never mentioned but the characters are thinly veiled portraits of Fisher and Spassky) Ostensibly this was a chess match between two magnificent chess players. However, only slightly beneath the surface it was in reality a match between the United States and the 
Soviet Union for dominance of the world. (If you would like to hear the song, 
The match took place at the height of the Cold War between the Russians and the US. Everything from sports to ballet to politics was imbued with the animosity that characterized Russian American relations during this time frame. The match took place in 1972. Spassky was the defending world champion and Fischer was the United States great “Western Hope.” The Russians were well known for being the greatest chess players in the world and few would have ever hoped that the US could challenge them at what amounts to their national game. For the previous 24 years, the Russians had defeated all comers to remain the world chess champions. All eyes, all hopes, all dreams, all aspirations and all of the US national pride rode on the shoulders of Bobby Fischer. People who would not know the difference between a pawn and a knight were tuned into what would become one of the most epic battles of the entire Cold War.
Poker is a more popular game in the United State than chess. It is estimated that there are over 60 million poker players in the US, 
There are many claims to the “Great American Tragedy” but in my mind, few equal the tragedy of Robert Fischer. Perhaps at some level, I can find myself identifying with him. Not in terms of his anti-Semitic or anti-American opinions but certainly in his idiosyncrasies regarding his playing and his involvement in tournaments. When I was a child, we used to play a game called “King of the Hill.” You could only be king for so long and eventually either one or the entire group would pull you down. This game taught me that you can only “reign” for so long and eventually whatever greatness you have will be eclipsed by others. Great actors become has-beens. Great athletes become washed-up. Great singers become past their prime. Great politicians outlive their times. Great thinkers are no longer able to think great thoughts. Whenever we become “King of the Hill” there is only one direction to go.
I can only imagine what it must have been like to be Fischer. The entire esteem of the United States was riding on his match with Spassky. All minds and all hearts needed him to beat the Russian. We had to show the world that we were not only the economic and physical match for the Russians but we were also their intellectual match. The Free World, democracy and God were riding on the outcome of Fischer’s match with Spassky. Can you imagine the pressure that was riding on Fischer’s shoulders? The stress that he had to cope with would have been incomprehensible. I think it would have driven most people stark raving mad, which I sometimes suspect it did to Bobbie.
It is now almost 50 years later and we are still playing chess with the Russians. Obama and Putin have taken the place of Kennedy and Khrushchev. The game of chess is still pitted against the game of poker. World fortunes and prestige still ride on the outcome of matchups between us and the Russians. The pawns have become the Arabs while the rulers of Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iran, ISIS, Iraq, Jordan and Europe fill in for the knights, bishops and rooks. Putin is the King for the Red side and Obama is the King for the White Side. The head of the Sunnis will fill in for the Red Queen while the head of the Shiites can fill in for the White Queen. Let the games roll on.
We have a concept called the Double Standard which denotes a situation wherein some behavior is generally thought of as unfair, inequitable or simply wrong. It is a much used term employed by sexists and racists. It is generally used as an argument against some actions being taken on behalf of a minority or other exploited group. Such groups include immigrants, women, children, the poor, Native Americans, Blacks, Latinos and many other underprivileged groups or groups wherein an asymmetrical relationship exists with the dominant power group. Let me give you an example before I define some terms.
A friend was arguing about the laws impacting the actions that business owners may or may not take in terms of delivering service to customers. The recent spate of arguments by the so called “Christian” Right against serving gays and other minorities whose religion or beliefs they disagree with was the spur or nucleus of his rant. He made the following analogy. “Suppose a Black man went into a White baker to have a birthday cake made and he was refused service? What do you think would happen he argued?” The reply given by his audience was, “It would probably be seen as discriminatory or perhaps even illegal.” He then argued, “Ok, so suppose a KKK member went into a Black baker and asked for a cake made for a KKK celebration and he was refused. What do you think would happen?” I replied that this seemed like an argument “reductio ad absurdum” or something taken to the extreme absurd. His argument was that it was not ridiculous and such situations are typical of the differences between how Blacks and Whites are now treated in our country or that a “Double Standard” exists.
What if you were very poor and you were going out with a very rich person? Suppose you gave gifts to each other on your birthdays. You gave a modest low budget gift from Walmart to your loved one. She/he in turn gave you an all-expense paid two week trip to Paris. Would you scream and yell that this was an unfair double standard? Unfair because you could not possible meet such a standard on your much lower income? You might want to argue that the example I have provided is ridiculous. However, it is no more ridiculous an example that many of the examples given by opponents of civil rights, affirmative action, equal pay, immigration laws, welfare and other measures to help create a more equitable society. (PC opponents are often guilty of such ignorance and there are numerous situations wherein they perceive that Political Correctness has created an unfair Double Standard.)
First: on what basis do we decide the symmetry of a relationship? Should we be looking at power, wealth, status, employment or opportunities as measures of symmetry? Second, when and how do we decide that relationships have become symmetrical and no longer need a Double Standard? Both of these questions are very difficult but they are also both critical since unless they are ultimately answered, the perception of unfairness will hover over any relationships where a Double Standard exists. This of course leads to such accusations as “reverse racism” and even claims that “Today White people are the real people being discriminated against.” (See 
The answer to the first question concerning metrics for determining symmetry is fairly easy. We need to look at metrics that will help to create a fair and just society. If we are attempting to create a level playing field for all groups in our country, then we must consider any measures that will help us to obtain this goal. There are measures for income, jobs, opportunities, education, incarceration and health that have and should be used to apply Double Standards when they will help to level the playing field.
This will be the war to end all wars. We are fighting for peace and justice. We have the moral high ground. Our enemies want to destroy the world. They seek a reign of terror and injustice. We are the good guys, it is clear. They are the bad guys, it is clear. Good guys have the right to maim and kill. We do it for the right reasons. God is on our side. This war will forever stamp out evil. We will march and sing hymns of praise to God. We will only kill those that need to be killed. Women and children that get in the way are collateral damage. We will save them from themselves. The world and history will thank us. Onward soldiers for God and country!
This will be the war to end all wars. If we don’t stop them now, they will soon be over here. We must take the battle to them and show them we mean business. We are not afraid. Have you ever heard of the Domino Effect? If we let them take one domino, they will soon take them all. Pretty soon, they will come to our country to take our dominoes. We must keep our dominoes for ourselves. No one else can be allowed to play with our dominoes. What are a few thousand or million dead people? We must destroy the village before we can save it. We fight for a cause that is bigger than any one of us. Forget yourself, charge the enemy. Do not take any prisoners. They would not be kind to you.
This will be the war to end all wars. We must be tough. No one who wants to win can flinch in the face of the enemy. Prime your rifles and mount your bayonets. Charge on command! Don’t think, just act. Yours is not to reason why. Follow your orders. The enemy will not hesitate. You must not give them any quarter. They will slaughter your wife and children. They will destroy your way of life. Heroism and medals await those of you who put your lives on the line for your country. Protect your flanks. Never retreat. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
This will be the war to end all wars. We have drawn a line in the sand and we cannot back down. The die is cast and we must stand up to injustice and tyranny. We will fight the good fight and God will be on our side. God asks us to be brave soldiers and to never fear. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Cowards die many times before their deaths but heroes only die once, though sometimes it is a slow lingering death. Never worry though, there is a special place in heaven for those who die in defense of liberty and justice and freedom. There are also many medals you can earn and if you die in the line of duty, there are posthumous awards which can go to your survivors or nearest relatives. Never fear, you will not be forgotten.
This will be the war to end all wars. We must show them we mean business. We are a nation of practical business people. We are a nation that wages war like a business. We do not mean to really kill anyone but it is just good business. It is nothing personal you know. We might even like you if the circumstances were different but it is good for the economy. Practical matters aside, you don’t understand our economic system. Perhaps, if we could kill you more impersonally, you would not object so much. We can build more drones and you will not even see them coming. We don’t want bodies on the ground; it is not good for business. Good wars like any good business must be pragmatic. If we kill a few millions of you perhaps you will understand that God wants us to succeed. You must put your own personal problems aside when your country needs you. Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country. Be proud to die for your country and your economic system.
This will be the war to end all wars. We fight for the greater good. Right is on our side. Might makes right and we are the mightiest nation on the face of the earth. We are righteous and just and our enemies are cowards and liars. We fight to make the world a better place to live and for future generations. Our evil enemies only fight for themselves and their ill-gotten gains. Our battle is wondrous. Glory, glory, hallelujah! Our God is marching on. As he died to make men holy, let us die to make sure that all men are free. Ours is never to reason why, ours is never to make reply, ours is simply to do or die. There is no try. Greatness awaits us in heaven for this small price we must pay on earth. Never fear, you will get your rewards as all good soldiers must. Remember old soldiers never die. Their memories may fade away, but the glory of the valiant men and women who will give up their lives today to protect their native land will never be forgotten. Stand firm now, toe to toe, shield to shield, rifles to rifles. Be ready, be able and be willing. One can ask no more than that you are willing to give up your life to end all wars.
Aging Capriciously 