This year, after my 42nd silent retreat at Demontreville, I found myself reflecting over a different kind of lesson — one not from the retreat master, but from a conversation with my daughter.
My daughter Chris and I could hardly be further apart politically. I lean toward policies that support immigrants, the poor, minorities, and the sick. She supports Trump and the Republican agenda, which I believe diminishes those very groups. Our conversation was brief, but it revealed something that I have been mulling over ever since.
When it comes to personal interactions, my daughter is tactful, gracious, and considerate. She knows how to get along with people, soften conflict, and maintain civility. I, by contrast, am often blunt and confrontational. When I disagree, I rarely hide it. I leave enemies in my wake since I have little tolerance for greed and immoral people. She accuses me of being harsh, even inhumane, in my manner.
And yet, when I step back, I see an irony. My brusque words are often in service of a vision of justice for the many. Her gentle tone exists alongside a commitment to policies that, in practice, withdraw support from those most in need. In fact, the Trumpian policies she supports will result in starvation, disease and death for millions.
This tension raises a deeper question: what does it mean to be a true humanist?
Is it the ability to show kindness in the moment, face-to-face, even if one’s broader commitments bring harm to many unseen lives? Or is it the willingness to fight for systemic justice, even if the style of delivery offends, unsettles, or disturbs?
I think of Christ, who could be gentle with the broken and the poor, yet fierce with the powerful and the hypocritical. He healed with a touch, but he also overturned tables. His humanity was both intimate and systemic.
Perhaps that is the lesson I am being given now. Humanism is not one thing. It asks us to be kind in the small circle of our relationships but also bold in the larger circle of society. Without the first, justice grows cold. Without the second, kindness becomes complicity.
I wonder if my daughter and I — so different in politics, so different in style — are each holding half of a larger truth.
This conservative trend was already well underway when in 2017, a billionaire real-estate developer named Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States of America. In addition to the hard core conservative beliefs of many mainstream Republicans, Trump added the once discredited idea of American Isolationism. We would now put America first, no matter what. No more negotiations with other nations unless it was clear that we got the better of the deal. We would build a big wall to keep Mexicans and other immigrants out and we would renege on our trade deals with China and Europe. About the only country that Trump liked was Russia. Eventually, he agreed to give Alaska and parts of Canada back to Russia.
I am 39 years old and have two children. I have never worked (at least outside of the home) as women have not been allowed to work since 2022 when they passed the “Women in the Home Law” as it was popularly called. The Federal government passed the law and it was ratified by every state and municipality in the nation. Some places tried to hold out but the government cut off all funding to them until they capitulated. This law effectively outlawed women working. It also barred women from the military. Ten years later (2032) they passed the “Mandatory Birth Act.” This bill proscribes that every woman (physically able to) must give birth to at least two children. Any woman who reaches the age of 32 and still has not given birth to two children is forcibly removed to a National Birthing Center where she will be artificially impregnated and kept confined until she has had at least two healthy children. Sickly or unhealthy children are sent to Disposal Camps where they are “recycled” per official government propaganda. No one is quite sure what happens during recycling but the children are never seen again.
nations. Since banning imports of such items, we have created millions of jobs making goods that were once made in low wage countries. The demand for such goods has skyrocketed but now we are providing them. Unfortunately, the wages and education needed for such work is still low. My husband did not finish high school but most men in our town do not. The Fathers have repeatedly stated that real men don’t need higher education. (I will talk more about education later.)
not allowed in the living room when his sports are on except to bring in some beer or chips. This does not really bother me much as I have plenty to do with the kids, housecleaning, cooking and all. I have my own TV in my sewing room where I can watch any of the approved programs for women. We have 30 different “Women Only” channels where I can learn more about cooking and cleaning and how to be a good wife. There are some good romances and family drama stories that are occasionally on. I look forward to watching these when the kids are in bed.
Libraries are now mostly museums. With the passage of the “Books Only Lie Bill” in 2038, all funds to public libraries were cut. The Fathers decried that books did nothing but cause trouble and stir up discontent. Anything citizens really needed to know could be found on the “Citizens Channels” offered by the government Department of Public Wisdom. There are over 100 of these channels which are available on public TV. They are on 24/7 and offer many programs for good citizenship. Some of the programs are:
Every year since Karen and I were married we have put up a Christmas Tree. Putting up a tree was once something I hated almost as much as I hated the entire Christmas event. I would be more than happy to forget that Christmas ever existed. I made my first wife miserable with my incessant complaints about Christmas and made a promise to myself not to let my hatred of Christmas get in the way of Karen’s love for the holiday. So very dutifully I unload the tree and boxes of ornaments, put on some Christmas songs, and help Karen decorate our tree. 
Well, you are probably thinking, “You can’t always pick your relatives, but you can always pick your friends.” This is absolutely true, but how many people do you know that have lifelong friends that they can trust and rely on in an emergency? I could start a long list of friends that I have left behind over the years for one reason or another. I have ex-friends who became rabid Trump supporters whom I said goodbye to. I have ex-friends who said goodbye to me, and I never knew why. I just did not hear from them anymore. I have other ex-friends who I could no longer relate to for one reason or another. Friends seem to me to be like annual flowers. They pop up for a while and then they fade away. I have five good friends left. I would have more, but some died early and one committed suicide.
have put the bad and the ugly out first so that you would not simply hear a chorus of how wonderful friends and relatives are. The truth of the matter is that as in most of life, you often have to take the bad with the good.
Friendships based on utility derive some perceived benefits from each other. Perhaps helping each other with building or fixing things. Friendships based on pleasure derive fun or shared activities together. Friends who canoe or ski or golf together. Friendships based on virtue derive mutual benefit from pursuing shared values and goals. Friends who work together for a common good. According to Aristotle, friendships based on pleasure and utility tend to be shorter than friendships based on virtue or goodness because needs and pleasures often change over time. Our values in life are less transient and more permanent. Friends who share your same values will be friends for life.
I have written about friendship several times in my blogs (See my 
Aging Capriciously 