The Epidemic of Selfishness in America

24 Oct 2025 14 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Introduction:

We are living through a moral epidemic.  An epidemic of selfishness.  Selfishness has become the new normal — disguised as independence, celebrated as authenticity.  In the moral epidemic of which I speak, we are plagued by not one but several symptoms.  Selfishness is a disease that can be seen in many manifestations.  In this blog, I want to explore how ego, narcissism, ingratitude, denial of responsibilities, entitlement, demand for rights, and isolation are each contributing to a disease that is redefining the American character.  The remedy may lie in reviving gratitude, duty, responsibilities and connection.

A few nights ago, I went to a Hobby Lobby store with Karen.  She needed to pick up some quilt squares for her Thursday quilting guild.  Each week they have a contest, and the prize is a bundle of fat quarters provided by all the members.  They change the color of the fat quarters that members must bring to each meeting.  I left the store early and told Karen that I would wait for her in the car.  The parking lot was mostly dark and deserted.  As I walked to my car, I noticed that there was about a dozen or so shopping carts just randomly scattered around the lot.

I assumed that there were no cart bins available but upon further looking around, I noticed many bins where you could leave a shopping cart.  Instead, customers had just dropped the carts anywhere they wanted to.  As it was late at night, it would be really easy to hit one of these carts either by backing into them or hitting them as you tried to pull out of the parking lot.  This fact did not matter to the individuals who were TOO LAZY to just push their carts over to a bin and drop them off.

Karen is normally a very positive person.  When she came back to the car, I pointed the situation with the carts out to her.  I challenged her to find some “Good Reason” that these customers could not just push their carts over to an available bin.  My suggested reasons, “They were in a hurry and had to get to an emergency ward.”  “They needed to get to the airport, and they were late.”  “They did not have time to find one of the available bins to put their carts in because the football game was starting.”  “They were being chased by predators who wanted their Hobby Lobby stuff.”   “They were blind, or it was too dark to see the bins.”  These were my facetious reasons.  Karen laughed at my lame attempt at humor.  My conclusion:  Lazy and Selfish.    

Ego:

The age of the collective has given way to the empire of the self.  Every opinion feels sacred, every desire urgent.  Technology, consumerism, and politics all whisper the same message: “You deserve everything, instantly”.  But when self-interest becomes the ultimate good, the moral commons collapses. “You do your thing, and I do my thing” was part of the famous Gestalt prayer by Fritz Perls that became popular in the 70’s.  The attitude behind this prayer has morphed into the epidemic we see today where “shopping till you drop” and “he who has the most toys wins” now defines our National character.  A character suffused by obsession for buying things to help build our egos up.  But it is not enough to have more, our toys have to be bigger and better.  Better is defined by the brand name stamped on the purchase or the neighborhood that you live in.  Bigger is a 60-inch color tv or a car with 900 hp or a house with five bathrooms or a  Wendy’s Pretzel Bacon Pub Triple with 1530 calories.

Narcissism:

Narcissism is the psychological heart of the new selfishness.  My friend Bruce has mentioned this a million times to me whenever we discuss Trump and his followers.  I concede that it now exists and is more pervasive than at any time in history.  “I matter more than you do.”  “I am more important than you are.”  The unflattering title of a “Karen” (my wife’s name is Karen) is depicted in thousands of short videos and TV shows such as “Bridezilla” where a would-be bride is screaming “It’s all about me, it’s all about me.”  This has become our national motto, “It’s all about me.”

Narcissism feeds on admiration but rejects intimacy.  The narcissist seeks reflection, not relationship — an audience, not a community.  Social validation replaces self-knowledge, and performance replaces sincerity.  We have built a society of mirrors where no one truly sees anyone else.  In Greek mythology,  Narcissus was a strikingly beautiful young man who rejected the love of others.  He sat all day looking at himself in a pool of water and thought how beautiful he was.  He fell in love with himself.  Punished by the gods for his vanity, he wasted away out of despair because he could not be with his love.  Our country is wasting away from a virus that seems to be pervasive.  A virus of narcissism.  But it is only one of several symptoms killing us.

Ingratitude:

It took me over thirty Jesuit retreats to finally notice a quote by Saint Ignatius Loyola.  Loyola said that  “Ingratitude is the sin most offensive to Heaven.  It is the cause, beginning, and origin of all sins and misfortunes as it is the forgetting of God’s blessings and gifts.”  He described it as “The most abominable of sins”. 

The more I reflected on this thought, the more I realized exactly what he meant.  Ingratitude corrodes the soul from within.  It blinds us to the gifts of others, the sacrifices of those who came before, and the simple blessings of daily life.  When we stop saying “thank you”, we begin to believe that everything owed to us was earned — and that no one else deserves the same.  Gratitude is the soil of empathy; ingratitude is a cancerous rot.

I try to remind myself each day of the need for gratitude.  It is not always an easy virtue to arouse.  In these challenging times, it can seem to me that I have little to be grateful for.  I would never have believed forty years ago that I (WE) would have had to deal with Climate Change, a major Covid Epidemic, Trumpism and now heart problems, all in my seventies.  I once thought that like any good cowboy or cowgirl, I would simply ride off into the sunset after years of a peaceful meditative retirement.  Added to my woes is the fact that our national character seems to be eroding and replaced with a desire for a despot who would be king.

Denial of Responsibilities:

Freedom divorced from responsibility is not liberty; it is chaos.  We live in an era where accountability feels like oppression to many people.  People say that they hate the government. “Too much big government” is a rallying cry for right-wing fanatics.  Civic, moral, and even legal obligations are dismissed as optional, or outdated.  How many people do you see running green lights or ignoring posted speed limits these days?

Thus, we have the movement for “Less government.”  Let’s obliterate the agencies and organizations that might hold us responsible for something.  But something is always overlooked when it is convenient to make money or power.  How many people have ever been prosecuted for the preventable disaster that we call “Climate Change?”  Denial of responsibility led to continued use of fossil fuels which accelerated any potential changes in our global climate.  Denial of responsibility breaks the invisible threads that hold society together: trust, reliability, and mutual care.  “I don’t care what my thirst for money does to you as long as it benefits me!”

Entitlement:

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants.  When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.” — ― Criss Jami

Entitlement is selfishness institutionalized.  It is a step beyond responsibility.  Now I am not only irresponsible, but I am entitled to be irresponsible.  I have a legal right to be irresponsible.  It is my right to leave my shopping cart wherever the hell I want to.  I bought a product at this store.  This entitles me to do whatever I want with this shopping cart.  It is the conviction that one’s desires are moral imperatives.  The entitled person measures fairness by outcomes, not effort; comfort, not contribution.  When entitlement becomes culture, excellence disappears — because effort no longer earns respect.  It is taken for granted that some people are born superior and effort has nothing to do with success or failure.

Demand for Rights:

I want my rights.  I want my rights!  It is my right!  I know my rights!  Everywhere you look today someone is screaming about their rights.  I learned years ago (I wrote a blog about this issue) from Sister Giovanni of Guadalupe Area Project, that for every right there is a responsibility.  Have you heard anyone screaming for their responsibilities?

The modern cry is for rights — to speak, to choose, to consume, to be seen — but rarely for the responsibility that sustains those rights.  Rights without duties are like currency without value.  When everyone demands and no one contributes; liberty itself becomes unsustainable.  A functioning democracy requires not just the assertion of rights, but the acceptance of responsibilities.  See the short film on “Indigenous Rights vs Responsibilities” for a refreshing view of the two.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w43j30S1yDI

Isolation — The Logical End

Isolation and loneliness are epidemics of their own in America today.  A Cigna Group survey from June 2025 found that more than half (57%) of Americans are lonely.  Data shows that the amount of time the average American spends alone has increased significantly over the past decades, while time spent socializing with friends has decreased — “Why are we so lonely?”— by John Wolfson, Winter 2024, Boston Magazine

When ego, narcissism, ingratitude, entitlement, and denial of responsibility take root, the harvest is isolation.  When I count and you don’t count, I become estranged from you.  When I live in a community where there are insiders and outsiders, I become distant from humanity.  Back porches have replaced front porches in America.  I can walk down a village street or sit on my front step and not see anyone come by for hours.  We may live side by side with so-called neighbors, but we feel profoundly alone.  Digital life gives us constant connection but no communion.  Isolation breeds despair, polarization, and apathy — subtle diseases beneath our prosperity.

Conclusion — The Return of the Connected Self

The cure for selfishness is not suppression of the self but expansion of it — seeing the self as part of a larger whole.  To belong but not to a group of xenophobic fanatics.  To see the value of Inclusiveness not exclusiveness, diversity not homogeneity.  To see all people as equal before the law.  The foundations of DEI which seem so despised by people on the right .  We rediscover meaning when we give, not when we grasp.

Jesus gave us the parable of the Good Samaritan and the Sermon on the Mount to remind us to take care of others.  It is still better to give than to receive.  In the New Testament of the Bible, (Acts 20:35), the apostle Paul recalls these words of Jesus.  “In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive'”

To rebuild our moral ecology, we must learn again the language of gratitude, duty, humility, and compassion.  You can start by reading any of the following works by the late Pope Francis: Whether you are Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, I think you will find some useful ideas in these writings.

  • The Name of God Is Mercy
    • Pope Francis emphasizes that God’s primary attribute is mercy, not judgment. He encourages the Church to become a “field hospital” for the wounded, emphasizes human sin, invites humble openness to forgiveness, and urges believers to extend compassion and reconciliation to all.
  • Fratelli Tutti – (All Brothers):
    • Published in 2020, this encyclical addresses fraternity and social friendship, calling for greater solidarity on a global scale.
  • Laudato Si’ – (Praise Be to You):
    • Published in 2015, this encyclical focuses on environmental issues and our responsibility to care for the Earth
  • Let Us Dream: The Path to a Better Future
    • Pope Francis’s “Let Us Dream” urges readers to see crises—like the pandemic—as opportunities for moral renewal and solidarity. He calls for compassion, social justice, environmental care, and inclusive reform, inviting humanity to rebuild a more equitable, sustainable, and spiritually grounded world guided by conscience and the common good.

The age of the isolated self and the Disease of Selfishness can end only when we remember that: “When I am not the center of the universe, people become human.”

PS: This Epidemic of Selfishness is the heart of the leadership and its cult of followers and sycophants that is leading the USA today. There will be no turning away from the direction that they are taking us, unless the citizens in the USA reject the elements that I have described in the above blog. We must return our country to a place where fear and greed do not guide our actions but instead we are motivated by love, kindness, charity, mercy and compassion. Not just for our friends and relatives and social circle but for everyone in the world. My God is their God as well.

The United States of America: Are we a Country without Empathy?

10 May 2025 24 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

You destroy anything when you withdraw empathy from it.  When you don’t care about anything you are on the path to destroying it.  You destroy a country when there is no empathy for its institutions or cultures.  When you withdraw empathy from a countries values and principles you can find it easy to destroy them.  You destroy people when you don’t have any empathy for them.  When you withdraw empathy from anyone or anybody it is easy to destroy them.

It has ever been the same formula throughout history.  From the Ancient World to the Medieval World to the Industrial World and now to the Information World, destroy empathy for the things and people you hate and then you can destroy them. 

What is empathy you ask?  How is empathy different from sympathy and compassion and mercy?  I won’t bore you with any dictionary definitions or twist your brain with some pure academic definitions.  Here are my thoughts on what empathy is:

Empathy puts you in the other person’s shoes, heart, soul and mind.  When you have true empathy for someone you stand inside them not beside them.  Mercy, compassion and sympathy leave you outside the person.  I feel sorry for you.  I feel bad for you.  I will give you something to make you feel better or to help you out.  However, I do not feel the pain that you do when I simply have sympathy for you.  My friend Jaine says that empathy is essential for mercy and compassion.   I think she is right, but we must start with empathy.  Without empathy, we are merely kind and thoughtful.  We have empathy for one another when we become one with the other.  Their heartache is our heartache.  Their suffering is our suffering. 

The other day while waiting for my wife to finish her Senior Fit class at the Casa Grande Community Center, I picked up the local newspaper.  The Casa Grande Dispatch had an article about a new bill being proposed by the Republicans in the Arizona Senate.   The bill SB-1268 would require hospitals to inquire whether or not the patient was here legally before providing healthcare treatment.  Many empathetic people are concerned that it would deter people who needed treatment from getting it.  The bill’s sponsor said that she does not care.  “They should stay in their own countries if they want to have care”, said Wendy Rogers during a hearing on her legislation.  What do you think Ms. Rogers would say if this was her mother or father or sister or brother?  What if it was a friend or relative of yours?  What would you say?  Is Ms. Rogers one heart short of empathy?  Do you think she ever read the inscription inside the Statue of Liberty?  One stanza of the inscription therein states the following:

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Why don’t we just knock down this wretched statue?  It would appear that its message is no longer accepted or believed in by millions of Americans.  I am sure Elon Musk would approve of its destruction.  He could use Ellis Island as a new departure point for his Mars expedition.  After all, here is what Musk had to say about empathy:

“The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy.”

This lack of empathy seems to be a major theme running throughout the Republican Party. 

I asked my wife’s pastor one day why he thought that so many conservative Christians wanted to post the Ten Commandments of Moses from the Old Testament in city halls all over the country, but I had never heard of one effort to post the Eight Beatitudes from Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount any place.  Would not Christians be more expected to support the words of Jesus than the words of Moses?  His comment was that many conservative Christians felt the words of Jesus were kind of wimpy.  Interesting that Jesus’s empathy for humanity is regarded as wimpy. 

It had not been 12 hours since the new pope was elected before the so-called Christian Right was attacking him.  Following in the footsteps of his predecessor Pope Francis, the new Pope Leo XIV would seem to be a human who had empathy for the poor and hungry and dispossessed. 

Transcript: MAGA Fury Boils Over at New Pope’s “Anti-Trump” Views

“Leo is known to share some of the same priorities as Francis, particularly when it comes to the environment and outreach to migrants and the poor, according to The College of Cardinals Report, a resource created by a team of Vatican journalists.”  Google AI

Read closely and you will see why Pope Leo XIV is anathema to Trump and his supporters.

  1. He would protect the environment
  2. He would protect immigrants
  3. He would protect the poor

Imagine a Christian who would dare have empathy for these people and the world. 

Now if I seem biased and oblivious to the limitations of empathy, let me point out that throughout history, there have been many great leaders who have had little or no empathy for humanity.  Some of the most notable people and notable categories are:

  • Attila the Hun
  • Genghis Khan
  • Mussolini
  • Stalin
  • Hitler
  • Most slave owners
  • Climate change deniers
  • Greedy billionaires

 It certainly seems like you can go far in this world by substituting cruelty and greed for empathy and compassion.  I will end this blog with the following thoughts on empathy:

“Our bodies have five senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing.  But not to be overlooked are the senses of our souls: intuition, peace, foresight, trust, empathy.  The differences between people lie in their use of these senses; most people don’t know anything about the inner senses while a few people rely on them just as they rely on their physical senses, and in fact probably even more.”  ― C. JoyBell C.

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods.  To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.”  ― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion.  When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands.  Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”  ― Daniel Golema

This Link leads to a thread on Facebook with some interesting quotes and comments on empathy in America today: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1125366842958078

Some Recent News Reports Showing a Complete Lack of Empathy for Humanity.  If you have any please share in my comments and I will post as an addendum to this blog. 

“DOGE Is Bringing Back a Deadly Disease”

Silicosis is typically caused by years of breathing in silica dust at work, and can worsen even after work exposures stop. In recent years, after decades of inaction, the federal government finally took several important steps to reduce the incidence of this ancient and debilitating disease. Under the Trump administration, all that progress is going away, in but one example of the widespread destruction now taking place across the federal government. —- The Atlantic, 

Tennessee’s GOP leads the fight to deny public education to children without documents 

The sponsors of the proposal have largely downplayed denying children the right to education, but instead have focused on the fiscal impact states are facing in educating children residing in the U.S. illegally.  —– US News, AP

The Orgasm of Life

29 Mar 2025 6 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Life is one big orgasm.  From the day we are born until the day we die, we experience joy, pain, love and suffering.  We go down endless passages to hell and climb endless staircases to heaven.  We have mega highs and minor lows and sometimes the other way around.  We have experiences that we cannot describe and others that we would sooner not.  We lay in bed at the end of a day that was beyond our wildest dreams.  We silently  pray that tomorrow will be the day when at least one of our wishes comes true.  Or we pray that the present one will never end.

Some of us discover ecstatic orgasms.  Earth shaking, mind blowing, out of body experiences that rival anything we ever saw in a movie, but just as transient.  Some of us go through life faking fantastic orgasms.  Some of us never take risks, never open our hearts, never open our minds.  We seek shelter from anything that might excite our senses or become moments of rapture.  We hide behind large oak trees where no one will see us.  We play hide and seek with life from the time we wake up until the time we go to sleep.  Why, oh why the muse in us asks?  But there is no one there to answer our whys.

Mysteries like orgasms assail us at the most inopportune times.  An orgasm has been described as something we think that we can never get enough of.  Endless feelings of bliss fuse our bodies together in a symphony on earth.  However, life does not provide a never-ending chorus.  Like the seasons that come and go and go and come, our  experiences are fleeting.  We wish that we could hold onto them forever, but our efforts always prove that it is  an impossible dream.  There is a satanic spirit  who lurks in the shadows ready to snatch our happiness from us.  God fiddles while we are tormented.

My fantasies of endless orgasms always proves too much for my feeble body.  In truth, it may just be one or two that I want, but that is more than enough.  I need to undergo a superhuman rejuvenation before even that is possible again.  The movies show stars having incredible sex that never stops.  The reality is that most marriages in Hollywood break up before the movie is over.

Our lives are full of blond goddesses and studs with six pack abs who promise orgasms that not even Buddha could not imagine.  The world sells us on the idea of one big orgasmic oyster, just waiting for us to open the shell and swallow.  Alas, we eat the smaller than expected oyster and find that we cannot afford another one.  Have you seen the prices for oysters these days?

Well, tomorrow is another day, and the cycle of life goes on.  We run after joy like rats on a treadmill only to discover that it evaporates as soon as we find it.  There is no endless joy or happiness or pain or suffering on earth.  It is all a mirage.  As Shakespeare said, “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.”   We are nothing but brief candles that flicker for a short time and then go out.  Our hopes for endless orgasms are as delusional as the love that often accompanies them.

Pack up your fantasies my friend and move on.  Perhaps an endless orgasm awaits you just around the next corner.

“Try Honey Before Vinegar” – Lessons on Leadership from Abraham Lincoln

06 Feb 2025 1 Comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

America has lost the “Art of Leadership.”  We no longer develop men and women with integrity or selflessness.  Instead of Statesmen, we have political hacks only concerned with getting reelected.  Politicians with no backbones or the courage to stand up against injustice.  We have a Congress of sycophants willing to do whatever they are told to do regardless of how unethical or immoral it may be.  We have thousands of lawyers who do not uphold justice but find arguments to support an amorality that meets the letter of the law but ignores the significance of decency, goodness, honesty, conscience and fairness.

In this blog and the ones to follow,  I will write about insights regarding leadership from one of the greatest American leaders and Presidents of all time.  I found a compilation of these in an old collectors edition of “Civil War Times” published in Winter, 2013. There are 41 in total, and I have already covered the first in a previous blog.  I would like for you to hear the words of Abraham Lincoln and what he had to say about leadership.  I will include some of my own experiences from my years of working with senior management in over 32 organizations.  Some of the men and women I worked with were incredible leaders.  Most of them wanted to be better leaders and that is where I brought the teachings and thoughts of W. E. Deming to my consulting practice.  Dr. Deming achieved extraordinary results in business by tapping the knowledge, skills and abilities of ordinary people.  Senator Hubert Humprey famously said that “Democracy is a system that achieves extraordinary results with ordinary people.”

Insight # 2 – Try Honey Before Vinegar: 

Lincoln said, “If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.”  Springfield, Illinois, 2/22/1842

This seems to be a principle or idea that is not very well understood by many people today.  I constantly hear people tell me that if you want to change people’s ideas about things, you must “empathize with them.”  “You must really listen to them.”  To these admonitions, I say “Bullshit.”  You can listen to some fanatics all you want to, and they will still totally ignore anything you say that does not fit in with their preconceptions or ideology.

A good woman friend of mine and I were arguing about Trump and his supporters.  Repeatedly in every argument, she would say “John, you just have to really listen to them.”  I finally got tired of hearing this refrain and one day I challenged her.  I said, “Tell me one, only one, Trump supporter you have listened to who has changed their mind.”  She was dumbfounded.  She was stumped.  She was bewildered.  She could not think of one.  Months went by.  I would occasionally rub salt into the wound, “Did you change the minds of any Trump supporters today?”

You can listen to others all you want.  You can listen to hell freezes over.  You will not change a fanatic or zealot’s ideas by listening.  But Lincoln was smarter than all the psychologists we have today put together.  He knew that it would take more than listening to get others to think differently or to appreciate your ideas after you have heard theirs.  It takes believing and feeling that you are a “Sincere” friend.  Not just a Facebook friend or some online friend, but a “Sincere” friend.  Plato talked about the various types of friends, but he said nothing about a “Sincere” friend.  So, what is a “Sincere” friend and what does it take to make someone believe that you really and truly are a “Sincere” friend?  Let’s first define the meaning of “Sincere.”

An online dictionary defines “Sincere” as:

“Free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings.”

Wikipedia defines the virtue of Sincerity as follows:

“Sincerity is the virtue of one who communicates and acts in accordance with the entirety of their feelings, beliefs, thoughts, and desires in a manner that is honest and genuine.  Sincerity in one’s actions (as opposed to one’s communications) may be called ‘earnestness”’.

I think the word “Sincere” has a lot to do with integrity, honesty, trustworthiness and truthfulness.  The Jewish have a word for a person who is sincere and honest called a Mensch.  In Yiddish, a Mensch roughly means “a good person”.  The word has migrated as a word into American English with a Mensch being a particularly good person, similar to a “stand-up guy”.  A Mensch is a person with the qualities that one would hope for in a friend or trusted colleague.

I think we can now answer the question, “What does it take to impact someone’s ideas and ideology?”  The answer is very simple.  If you want to have someone listen to your ideas, you must be a Mensch or at least a very “Sincere” friend.  When I think about the people we elect to political leadership, I am struck by the lack of Menschs in either Congress or the Legislature.

In fact, I would argue that we have the exact opposite.  We have people you would not trust with a nickel.  People who we know will change their mind at the drop of a lobbyist’s donations.  Congresspeople, who continually lie to cover their malfeasance and incompetence.  Ask anyone of them what they do all day long and they will deny that they spend about 80 percent of their time fundraising for their next election campaign.

Try to suggest some new ideas to them as I have done countless times, and you will get the following answer, “I am very busy but send me something and I will look at it.”  Don’t hold your breath my friend.  You will die of asphyxiation before any of them, Democrat or Republican will ever get back to you.  However, mention that you are thinking of a large campaign contribution and doors will open in a New York minute.

Let us think of a scenario wherein a Trump supporter meets a Trump opponent.  We will call Mary the Trump supporter and Joe the Trump opponent.   Neither of them have ever met before and do not know each other.   The talk between them soon turns to politics.

Mary:  I think Trump is doing a great job.  He is really shaking the government up.  Just what we need.

Joe:  You think tariffs, job cuts and threatening our allies are what we need?  Are you crazy?

Mary:  He is already getting results.  Mexico and Canada have agreed to send more troops to the border.

Joe:  These are our allies.  What if I threatened you, how would you feel about me?  I am sure that long-term you would be looking for some way to get even.

Mary:  Well, I have to go.

Joe:  Yeah, so do I. Bye

If the above scenario had gone down between two long-term “Sincere” friends, how do you think it would have turned out?  I am betting both sides would have heard some value in the other sides position.  Furthermore, they might have  finished the discussion and gone out together to have a bite to eat or at least agreed on another time to get together.

Old Abe Lincoln knew a lot about leadership and the role that friendship played in it.

“On the contrary, assume to dictate to his judgment, or to command his action, or to mark him as one to be shunned and despised, and he will retreat within himself, close all the avenues to his head and his heart; and though your cause be naked truth itself, transformed to the heaviest lance, harder than steel, and sharper than steel can be made, and though you throw it with more than Herculean force and precision, you shall no more be able to pierce him, than to penetrate the hard shell of a tortoise with a rye straw.” — Lincoln, Address to Washington Temperance Society (February 22, 1842)

I have heard many conversations between Trump supporters and Trump opponents.  We attack each other.  We condemn each other for stupidity.  We assail each other for taking the Kool-Aide.  Then we retreat to the other sides of the room full of hate and disgust.  We ask ourselves, “How could anyone think like they do?”  “What is wrong with them?”  “They must be either, stupid, uneducated, brainwashed, racist or something else.”

If we are going to break down the walls and barriers that now separate us in the USA , we are going to have to do more than just listen to our opposition.  We are going to have to find ways of befriending each other.  Not just casual friendships but real “Sincere” friendships.  Friends who can accept and support mutual honesty and truthfulness with each other.

Too much of what I have seen in the media supports a narrative that my side is intelligent and smart, and the other side is dumb and uneducated.  I confess to having shared some of this narrative in my own writings.  It is now time to move past these simplistic and detrimental stereotypes and develop empathy and understanding that surpasses mere listening.  The way to do this is through “Sincere” friendship and not by demonizing the other side.

How do we fight an “Uncivil War”?  Insight # 3 from Old Abe has more valuable thoughts to help us in this struggle.  I will share these in my next blog.

 

A Theory of Relationships

08 Nov 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I participate in a high school mentoring program which matches up young students with older experienced men and women.  This was my second year in the program.  My mentee last year graduated and has become an alumnus of the program.  This year I was matched up with another student.  My new mentee was a young high school junior.  She wrote to me one day that she was in a relationship with someone and that it had become serious.  She wanted my advice.  Never one to shirk giving advice, I seem to always fail to hew to the dictum that “Wise people won’t need it, and fools won’t heed it.”  I sent her some comments based on my two marriages and nearly 60 years of being in a committed relationship.  The sixty years includes both my marriages.

Some days later, I found some notes from my retreat this summer.  These notes also addressed the subject of relationships or shall I say a “theory” of relationships.  I want to talk about my theory in this blog.  For many of you it will probably be “common knowledge.”  Nevertheless, I am hoping my insights might be useful to anyone out there either beginning or struggling with a relationship.  A relationship might be a friendship, a family member, a group you belong to or a loved one.  I think my theory will have some value to any such relationship.

According to Google AI, a good theory consists of the following:

  • A good theory is falsifiable (can be tested and potentially disproven).
  • Theories are designed to explain and predict phenomena.
  • A theory should be parsimonious, meaning it uses the simplest explanation possible while still adequately explaining the phenomenon.

A theory consists of concepts, constructs, precepts, variables, relationships between variables and assumptions.  I am going to posit five assumptions about relationships and then try to explain each adding in some of the above parts of a theory.  I will explain why I think each of my assumptions is critical to a good relationship.  I am not going to try to claim that my theory is a “good” theory by any scientific data.  Rather, I would justify it based on my ups and downs with relationships over sixty or more years of experience.  But as Dr. W. E. Deming often said, “Experience without theory teaches nothing.”  Thus, herein is my “Theory of Relationships.”  I hope some of these ideas will help you or others along the pathway of love and life.

My five key assumptions about relationships are as follows: 

  1. Relationships require risk
  2. Relationships require change
  3. Relationships require more than commitments
  4. Relationships require sacrifice
  5. Relationships require knowledge of self and other 
  1. Relationships require risk

Almost any effort in life will entail some element of risk.  As the saying goes, “The turtle only makes progress by sticking its neck out.”  Risk is a key concept that runs through life.  It can be thought of as the probability that something will happen either good or bad.  For instance, when you bet at a Casino or perhaps take a Caribbean cruise.  You hope to win the bet, and you hope your cruise will be safe and fun.

In life, we try to minimize risk by back-up plans, precautions and strategies to offset risk.  Variables can be created in some cases to give us more definitive measures of how risky a specific endeavor is.  In gambling we call these odds.  In love, we are usually to foolish to accept any odds on our relationship going south.  However, some people do set up prenuptial contracts which are a method to hedge your bet on your relationship.  Most people in love though are blind to the possibility that their relationship will end.  Odds are though that it will end unhappily.

Many people accept it as a fact that forty to fifty percent of all first marriages end in divorce, but those who wed multiple times face a far higher divorce rate.  The average length of a first marriage in the United States is around eight years.  The average length of a second marriage is about seven years.  Sixty to seventy percent of second marriages end in divorce. 

Being aware of risk does not mean giving up on life.  It simply means we must be realistic about the possibilities that risk entails for relationships and all other endeavors (This includes friendships).  There are many ways to minimize risk in a relationship.  Here are just a few examples:

  • Marriage Encounter Groups
  • Family meetings weekly
  • Marriage counseling
  • Here are some ten ideas from “Women’s Health”:

10 Ways to Save Your Marriage From Divorce, Straight From Relationship Experts

  1. Relationships require change

Perhaps one of the most overlooked facts impacting a relationship is the need for change.  Right, “your other needs to change but you do not.”  You are perfectly okay.  Change is an interesting concept.  One of the things most feared in life is change.  Ironically, we could not survive without change.  Unfortunately, not all changes turn out well.  Herein lies another risk factor.  Will your change be for the better or worse?  Hard to put odds on change, but most relationships will not survive unless the partners are willing to change.

I don’t mean change in just a physical sense but change in an emotional and cognitive sense.  Are you willing to accept major changes in your ideas about life and relationships?  Are you willing to accept major changes in how you feel about certain activities and people?  Without change, we know that life grows stale and boring.  Relationships are no different.  A relationship without change will become boring.  Doing the same old things day after day.  Even worse is when you refuse to think about some of the ideas you have that relate to your significant other.  For instance, If he or she likes to travel and you do not, are you willing to go along or have your partner go with a friend?  What accommodation are you willing to make if you are not willing to change your own behavior?  Love requires change.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it.  Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” — Carl Jung

  1. Relationships require more than commitments

We hear a great deal about commitment when it comes to relationships.  Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to something, like a person or a cause.  A commitment obligates you to do something.  In a relationship, it might involve a commitment to fidelity or to some fiduciary obligations.  We promise to “Love, honor and obey” in some marriage vows.  We think that making a commitment is enough to keep our relationship in safe waters.  Some people think that a commitment can be embodied in a “Marriage Contract.”  Such a document spells out mutual responsibilities and agreements.

At our last Marriage Encounter meeting, I was introduced to the distinction between a “Marriage Contract” and a “Marriage Covenant.”

Covenant                                    Contract

Unconditional                             50/50 agreement

A Covenant is forever                A Contract can be terminated

A Covenant is limitless               A Contract has limits

We tend to think of Covenants when it comes to Bible history.  Covenants were made between God and his chosen people.  The idea of a contract is a modern legal term.  I think it erodes the very essence of spirituality that a marriage or committed relationship should embody.  We need to adhere to the idea of a Covenant when it comes to a relationship.  Anything less leads inevitably to less than a committed relationship.  We can simply terminate it when the going gets rough.

  1. Relationships require sacrifice

Another interesting concept, Sacrifice.  What does sacrifice mean?  Are there any variables that can measure our sacrifices?  Jesus said that the greatest sacrifice anyone can make is to give up their lives for another.  I think the greatest sacrifice is to love someone who is unlovable.  To love someone who is despicable like a pedophile or a serial killer or someone who bullies and threatens others.  I do not know about such sacrifices, and I am not sure if I could make them.  I admire the partner or mother or father who can stick by their spouses or siblings when all hell breaks loose.  Can you imagine being called up by the police and told that your son just shot 20 people at school.  Could you stand by them?  What sacrifice it must entail not to stop loving someone who has done such cruel acts!  Fortunately, most relationships will never demand such sacrifices.

The sacrifices we make in relationships can range from trivial (like which way to put toilet paper on the roll) to the significant.  More significant sacrifices might entail deciding who will stay home with the children or who will give up where they want to live for the other person’s choice.   You may not face many significant sacrifices in your relationships, but you will most assuredly face many trivial sacrifices.  These should not be discounted or minimized though.  As the quote goes, “For want of a nail the shoe was lost, For want of a shoe the horse was lost, For want of a horse the rider was lost, For want of a rider the battle was lost.”  Trivial things add up like the straw that broke the camels back.  The trivial can go from a mole hill to a mountain in less time than many of us realize.  When the trivial become the mountain, your relationship will be in jeopardy.  The trivial sacrifices in a relationship are anything but trivial but they are certainly inevitable.

  1. Relationships require knowledge of self and other

This is the toughest requirement of all.  Socrates said that “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  What if you have never examined your life?  How many people do you know who have done a rigorous examination of their life?  Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  But what if you do not love yourself.  In truth, I doubt many people do.  Many people have been so beaten up by parents, teachers, bullies and even loved ones that they actually hate themselves.  Few of these people want to know themselves because it means facing hidden demons that they would just like to leave buried.   Gandhi said, “Be the change that you want to see in others.”  This axiom encourages a certain amount of self-understanding as well as understanding of others.  All too often we have no time to understand either.  The perp that is trying to rob you at gun point will not have time for you to understand him.  Furthermore, you may care very little about his troubled up bringing.

My uber pessimism on a premise that I insist is necessary for a good relationship seems to doom any relationship to the graveyard.  If we can never know ourselves or others, how then can we have a positive happy relationship.  The secret is that we do not have to be perfect, nor do we need perfect knowledge of ourselves or others.  We can never and will never be perfectly transparent to ourselves or others anyway.  The JOHARI Window has a quadrant of “Unknown to Others and Unknown to Self.”  I have found the JOHARI window to be quite a useful concept on the path to discovering more about myself and thinking about my relationship with others.

“The Johari window model is used to enhance the individual’s perception on others.  This model is based on two ideas- trust can be acquired by revealing information about you to others and learning yourselves from their feedback.  Each person is represented by the Johari model through four quadrants or windowpane.  Each four windowpanes signifies personal information, feelings, motivation and whether that information is known or unknown to oneself or others in four viewpoints.” — The Johari Window Model

The risk will always be there, but we can work on being more self-aware and more honest to others.  That is the best we can do in life.  That is why relationships are risky.  You will never be able to see all the shoals and reefs that your life might flounder on.   Life is a process of never-ending discovery.  Death will eventually bring closure to your adventures and explorations.  Until then, just getting in bed is risky so why not try to live life to the fullest.  Get out of bed and go MAKE a good relationship.

 

 

My Final Will and Testament – Regrets – Reflection #11

11 Jun 2024 2 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Last year at my 40th Demontreville Retreat, one of the exercises that we were given by the Retreat Master included a very challenging set of thoughts.  The worksheet for the activity was labeled as “A Testament.” I took the worksheet and instructions home with me.  It had fourteen tasks or reflections to complete.  I did not desire to complete them during the retreat.  It is now almost a year since my retreat, and I have decided to make the mental and emotional effort necessary to complete this “Testament.”

The worksheet started with these instructions:

Imagine that this is the last day of your life on earth.  In the time that you have left, you want to leave a “Testament” for your family and friends.  Each of the following could serve as chapter headings for your “Testament.”  This is Reflection Number 11 on the worksheet.

  1. These are the things that I Regret about my life.

I would rather not write this section, but I am going to anyway.  I have thought about it for several weeks now.  I dreaded when I would reach this reflection.  I had one friend who said he had “No regrets” before he died.  How I envy that perspective.  I still wonder whether he was telling the truth or whether there was something wrong with him.  Perhaps, if he is telling the truth, he may someday be canonized as a Saint.

There will be no sainthood for me.  I have more regrets than I can count.  Some days, I feel like my entire life is one big series of regrets.  Instead of being a serial killer, I am a serial regreter.  If I could go back into the past and try to undo some of the things I did, I would not know where to start.  I have decided to lump my Regrets into three categories.  Each category has some common traits.  The first is Regrets due to a lack of patience.  The second is Regrets due to a lack of compassion.  The third and final category is Regrets due to a lack of kindness.

Let us get started on this task of sorrowful confessions.  In my defense, I hope I have learned over the years many things to mitigate making the same mistakes that I did when I was younger.  I would like to think that I am a very different person now than I was forty years ago.  Many of my Regrets are in the past.  My biggest Regret is that I cannot go back and rewind the past.

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Regrets Due to a Lack of Patience:

A lack of patience may just be one of the most destructive traits that anyone can have.  You can defend it if you want to, but I have too often been impatient to see much virtue in it.  Most good things come to those who, if not willing to wait, at least have the patience to persevere in a task or mission that could take years.  We keep reminding ourselves that Rome was not built in a day but neither did it fall overnight.  History is replete of antecedents to subsequent events proving that most of the problems of today actually started many years if not decades or centuries earlier.

There are certain calculations I should like to make with you,

To be sure that your deductions will be logical and true;

And remember, ‘Patience, Patience,’ is the watchword of a sage,

Not to-day nor yet to-morrow can complete a perfect age.  

— From  Sarah Williams, Twilight Hours: A Legacy of Verse

I was not a patient person.  I had a great many talents but foolishly I thought that these talents gave me the right and ability to circumvent practice, dedication, training and experience.  I wanted everything today or at least by next week.  I expected that my brains and intellect gave me the privilege to neglect what all the great writers, artists, musicians, athletes and other talented people know.  There is no greatness without hard work and discipline.

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Regrets Due to a Lack of Compassion:

I grew up believing that emotions were somehow evil.  Thinking and brains and knowledge and intellect were everything.  Emotions led us astray.  Somewhere in life, I learned that unless you suffer the same emotions as other people do, you cannot empathize with them.  Until you experience what pain and heartbreak and sorrow and Regret, and joy and love feel like you cannot understand what other people are going through in their lives.  Without empathy, there is no compassion.  Without compassion there is no forgiveness or mercy.  You end up becoming hard like a rock but with about as many feelings.  You protect yourself by eliminating feelings, but that process creates an unscalable wall between you and other human beings.

You eventually are doomed from this lack of feelings to acquiring perhaps the most horrible feeling of all.  That is the feeling of absolute loneliness.  You are no longer part of the human race or anything else.  You exist in a vacuum.  You neither care about anyone nor does anyone care about you.  Loneliness kills.  There is evidence that dying early is linked to loneliness and social isolation.  Suicides due to loneliness are well known to be one of the major causes of death in the USA.

“A meta-analysis of 90 studies examined the links between loneliness, social isolation and early death among more than 2 million adult.  They were followed for anywhere from six months to 25 years.  Participants who reported feeling lonely were 14% more likely to die early than those who did not.  People who experienced social isolation had a 32% higher risk of dying early.”  —  Kristen Rogers CNN, December 24, 2023

“Men who often experienced loneliness, or those who were lonely and living alone, or with a non-partner, were found to have three times higher risk for death by suicide compared to those who were cohabiting.”  — How living alone, loneliness and lack of emotional support link to suicide and self-harm

Loneliness has been found to be different by the generation we are born with as well as by race and gender.

Generation Z (ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation, with 79% reporting feelings of loneliness according to a study by Cigna.

Millennials (ages 23-37) also report high levels of loneliness, with 71% saying they feel lonely at times in a survey by YouGov.

According to a study by YouGov, women are more likely to report feeling lonely than men, with 72% of women saying they feel lonely at times compared to 60% of men.

According to a study by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, Black Americans report feeling lonely more often than white Americans, with 44% of Black adults reporting feelings of loneliness compared to 37% of white adults.

Looking back on my life, I see many people who I pushed away because I would not let my feelings show.  Over the years, I have lost friends and relatives because I did not care enough about maintaining the relationships to reach out and “touch someone.”  It was often easier for me to just ignore my feelings and assume others would do likewise.  I have written several blogs where I say, “Don’t wait.”  “Tell them you love them now.”  “Tell them you admire them.”  “Tell them how important they are to you.”

Do it now.  Don’t wait until you are full of Regrets.

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Regrets Due to a Lack of Kindness:

Kindness is not the same as compassion.  Though I think without compassion there can probably be no kindness.  I might be wrong here but I think kindness (at least physical kindness) like opening doors for people or letting another person sit down first can simply be good manners.  A robotic reaction taught by habit and custom and enforced by upbringing that might have little or nothing to do with compassion. Kindness of whatever stripe involves action.  You must demonstrate kindness by your behavior towards others.

I do not think that emotional kindness can exist without empathy and compassion.   Emotional kindness is a nurturing of the spirit whereas physical kindness is a nurturing of the body.  I think I have always been good at the latter but seldom good at the former.  As I think more about the matter, my regrets come from the emotional and spiritual harm I have done to others by ignoring their emotional and spiritual needs.

For instance, when my daughter was growing up, I took her skiing, bicycling, swimming and camping.  All activities where I spent time in physical empathy with what I assumed were fun and enjoyable needs of my daughter.  As for her emotional needs, I cannot say that I ever really recognized any.  Mores the pity, because that is where I did the damage.  Like a bull in China shop, I treated her in ways that I can reflect back on now and realize led to a suicide attempt and two failed marriages for her.  On the few times in the past years that we have been together, I can see that she is a hard person.  The kind of person I thought it was great to be.  A person who could (to paraphrase Hamlet) “suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and take up arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them.”

I did not realize that sometimes a person needs a shoulder to cry on more than they need arms and arrows.  Could I go back and be a different dad, I would do so in a heartbeat.  Alas, I have not found the time machine to take me back to undo the many hurts I caused by trying to ignore feelings.  I wish I could say that I never do so anymore, but that would make everything in my final will and testament “One Big Lie.”  If nothing else, I want to tell the truth.  Perhaps the truth that I tell can set someone else free.

Next Reflection:    

  1. These are my life’s Achievements

Friends and Friendship: Part 1.

02 Oct 2021 11 Comments

by Dr. John Persico Jr. in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

It is easy to measure friendship today.  Simply count the number of “friends” you have on Facebook and subtract the number of people who “defriended” you.  Multiply this number by the number of followers you have and divide by the number of people you are following.  This number or index will accurately tell you the number of friends you have in the whole wide world.  If you are not good with math and numbers, then simply call up each of your “friends” and see who will lend you a hundred dollars.  Another quick and easy solution to see how many friends you have is to count the number of your “friends” who bring you some chicken soup when you are home in bed with the flu.    

The subject of friendship has been written about since writing first began.  An advantage of friendship and perhaps one of its most enduring qualities is that you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your mother, father, aunts, uncles or other relatives.   While “blood” may be thicker than water, actual counts show as many dysfunctional families as dysfunctional friendships. (An observation extrapolated from my 67 years of experience as a relative and friend.)  Another advantage of friendship is that people seem to have more concern about being a good friend than they do about being a good relative.  To test this latter point, I went to Amazon.com and typed in “friendship.”  I found 57,722 books on the subject.  Next I typed in “relatives.”  I found only 20, 930.  Since this experiment did not seem very definitive I also tried the following.  I went to Google and typed in: “How to be a better friend?”   I found 1,470,000 hits on this subject.  Then I went back and typed in “How to be a better relative?”  I used the quotes to frame both question.  I found NO hits.  Not a one. NADA.  ZERO.  Go ahead and try it yourself.  Type in: “How to be a better relative?”   Here is what you will get:

   No results found for “How to be a better relative?”.

https://www.google.com/#q=%E2%80%9CHow+to+be+a+better+relative%3F%E2%80%9D

So there you have the second major or perhaps third major advantage of friendship.  Namely that people care about being a good friend but no one cares about being a good “relative.”  You are just supposed to love your relatives and that’s it.  End of subject.  “I love you brother.”  “I love you sister.”  “I love you Dad.”  “I love you Mom” are words taken for granted.  Your friends might regularly invite you over for meals and never say “I love you.”  However, your relatives may never invite you over for a meal, but they will not hesitate to say: “I love you.”  I guess love should be the subject of another blog, since the love of relatives seems to be something that needs better defining.  However, to return to the subject of friendship, let’s look at Aristotle’s three types of friends.  I will refer you to Amazon for more works on friendship.  Anyone reading all 57,722 books will receive a certificate as a bona fide “Friendship Expert.”  Simply mail me the ISBN number of all the books you have read or rip off the back cover and send them to me.  I will mail your certificate ASAP. 

Aristotle identified three types of friends.  I would like to compare Aristotle’s ideas on friendship to my ideas on friendship.  I wrote on the subject about thirty-five years ago and it was my first piece of paid writing.  It appeared in a Men’s Journal somewhere on the West Coast.  I regret I cashed the check as it would have been a nice souvenir and it was only for twenty dollars.  However, I was in graduate school at the time and twenty dollars seemed like a lot of money back then.  The title of my article was called:  “Male Friendship and the Three Types of Intimacy”.   I will return to my theories later, however let’s start with Aristotle since I give him a head start on the subject and much greater profundity.

Aristotle’s ideas on friendship were part of his larger work The Nicomachean Ethics.  Aristotle divided friendships into three types based on the motive for forming them.  These three types were:  Friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and friendships of the good.   

“Friendships of utility” describe encounters with others that are very commercial or practical.  There is no love or intimacy exchanged in such relationships and they are simply based on a quid pro quo type of arrangement.  For some, these types of friends would better be called acquaintances but I think acquaintances lack the level of commitment that is sometimes necessary in “friendships of utility.”  Many of the people we work with, have business transactions with or even network with on LinkedIn would fit into this category.  Such relationships are not very intimate but they can engender a certain depth of emotional attachment. 

Aristotle’s “friendships of pleasure” include those individuals who we enjoy being around or spending time with.  These are people we like because they are fun to be with or they make us feel good or they bring some level of excitement to our lives.  Many of these types of friendships involve some type of shared activity.  You might be on the same bowling team, church council, or simply hang around in a bar or coffee shop together.  The intimacy involved in this type of friendship is deeper than in “friendships of utility” but it is often is limited to the activity that is being jointly pursued.  Once the activity ends, often the friends go separate ways.  Such friendships may end unless there is some other reason to create a bond or another reason to interact together.  

Aristotle’s third and deepest friendship is the “friendship of the good.”  Such a friendship is based on the enjoyment of the other person for some “good” or character trait that the person exhibits and which you find compelling or attractive. You like the person not for what they can do for you but because of who they are.  According to Aristotle these are the enduring type of friendships since they are not based on utility or shared activities but on a mutual liking or affection between the friends.  As long as the character traits enjoyed by each friend do not change, the friendship will continue. 

While I find Aristotle’s three types of friendship interesting, I do not think they go far enough or deep enough to define friendship.  I think he comes closest to my idea of friendship with his “friendship of the good” but even that does not go far enough.  The major fault I have with Aristotle is that he misses what I think is the key ingredient of friendship, namely intimacy.  A friendship must involve intimacy or it is not a friendship.  Intimacy is the key ingredient for all “true friendships.”

Intimacy:

1. the state of being intimate.

2. a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship.

3. a close association with or deep understanding of a place, subject, etc.

4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity or affection: the intimacy of using first names.

5. a sexual liberty.

6. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret: in the intimacy of his studio.

I believe there are three types of intimacy upon which a friendship can be founded.  I do not include sexual intimacy here since for the most part, I am describing “non-sexual” relationships.  Relationships between lovers usually involve sexual intimacy but they do not have to include much if any of the three types of intimacy that I think are a key to a good friendship. It would be a better relationship if they did.  You will note though that it is frequently hard for ex-lovers to remain friends because once the sex part ends there is often little of the intimacy necessary for true friendship. 

I have labeled the three types of intimacy as: 

  • Face to face
  • Side to side
  • Back to back

Face to face intimacy is more emotional and affective and generally involves two people sharing feelings, problems, emotions, and issues that they would not discuss with anyone else.  Women are typically considered to be very good a face to face intimacy.  You can find women sitting together over coffee discussing any number of emotional issues.  Dealing with personal subjects with another party is central to face to face intimacy.  No gender has a monopoly on this type of intimacy but in the past, men were brought up to avoid dealing with emotions making such intimacy very difficult.

Side to side intimacy is doing and conative.  It is active and involves sharing some physical activity with the other party.  This could be working together, playing sports together, helping each other with some tasks or chores or simply taking a walk together.  This is an area where men in the past found much of their intimacy with other men.   Sports and other side to side activities were more condoned for men than sitting exchanging emotions together.  Time has changed and women are now as active in many sports as are men and we increasingly see men spending time with other men talking and sharing feelings.

Back to back intimacy involves a willingness to share risk or face a threat for the other person.  Soldiers develop strong friendships because of their need to rely on each other.  Police also develop strong friendships with their partners because of the element of shared risk and the strong need to rely on each other during emergencies and threats.  Any individuals that help each other during emergencies or dangerous situations can experience the type of intimacy that I call back to back intimacy.  (Just as an aside, I used this phrase before the term “I got your back” became popular but the current phrase  does express the essence of this type of intimacy.) 

A friendship may involve one, two or all three of these types of intimacy.  They are not all required for a good friendship.  A friendship based on only one of these types of intimacy can be very strong and profound.  However, all things being equal, a friendship based on two or three of the types of intimacy will be stronger than one based on a single type.  The caveat here is that when the intimacy no longer exists, there is a good chance that the friendship will fade away or become only a source of memories. 

In my blog next week, I would like to address some ideas for developing, maintaining and even enhancing our friendships.  I speak from having some experience at developing friendships but also at losing many good friends over the years.  Friendship much like love, romance, marriage or any other type of strong bonded relationship must be worked at.  A failure to commit to working on a relationship is the death knell for that relationship.  Bonds are only as strong as the glue that cements them together. When the glue loses its adhesion, the bond falls apart. The glue for friendships is intimacy.  Lose the intimacy and you lose the friendship.

Time for Questions:  

Do you have many good friends?  What do you do to maintain your friendships?  Have you ever lost a good friend?  Why?  What do you think you need to do more of to have stronger friendships?  Which type of intimacy are most of your friendships based on?  Do you have friends that fall into Aristotle’s three types?  Which ones?  How much work do you put into your friendships?  Do you put enough? 

Life is just beginning.