Compassion is number six of my seven essential virtues for leading a happy and successful life. Every Saturday I start my day with the following prayer:
- Help me to be strong and kind in the face of adversity, attacks or injustice perceived and help me to always be Compassionate in dealing with others.
Compassion is the most important of the seven virtues. Compassion is just one stroke short of love. Compassion leads to love but it takes some doing to get there. The journey involves a number of steps each predicated on a trait or behavior that is uniquely human. In this blog, I want to describe the journey to compassion and beyond to love. Each step of the journey is a commitment to humanity. If you do not care about others, you will not be interested in the journey. Compassion is the opposite of narcissism. A narcissist loves them-self. A person with compassion loves others. With a narcissist, it is “all about me.” With a compassionate person, it is “all about them.”
The journey starts with sympathy. We think of sympathy as “feeling sorry for someone.” It is the ability to have feelings for another person. We see another person who looks hungry or unhappy or ill and we feel some sense of remorse or regret for the other person. We might be distressed for them or we might simply be glad that we are not in their shoes. A part of us hurts or aches for the other person, but we do not identify with them on a deeper level. Our sorrow goes no further than to perhaps wonder what had befallen them to bring such misery.
“Sympathy is feeling bad for someone else because of something that has happened to them.”
Our next step in our journey to compassion takes understanding. We need to try to understand others and to put ourselves in their shoes. We must avoid separation and thinking that we are so different from others. We must avoid judging others. When you couple understanding with sympathy, you have taken the next step. You have now arrived at empathy. To have empathy for others, is to combine sympathy and understanding. You are sorry for those who are less well-off then you are, but you do not separate yourself from them and instead you seek to find the common ground that links you to the other person. Sympathy involves the heart. Empathy involves both the heart and the mind.
“I always think that if you look at anyone in detail, you will have empathy for them because you recognize them as a human being, no matter what they’ve done.” — Andrea Arnold
By the way, not everyone thinks empathy is a good thing. Paul Bloom, psychologist and Yale professor, argues that empathy is a bad thing—that it makes the world worse. While we’ve been taught that putting yourself in another’s shoes cultivates compassion, he says it actually blinds you to the long-term consequences of your actions. He blames empathy for war and many other social injustices. You can see his argument for his case against empathy at: “Against Empathy.” This is a short 3 minute video where Bloom makes his case. I personally think his case is fraught with logical fallacies and unproven assumptions. However, I suppose the fact that he is a Yale professor will sway many people.
The next step in our journey is action. All of the empathy in the world will not make a difference if we do not take action. Empathy + Action = Compassion. Compassion is the way we make a difference to others. Jesus said “Feed my sheep.” He did not say to just take pity on them or to simply have empathy for them. Empathy by itself does not clothe the poor, feed the hungry or help the weak. We must make action and doing a part of our empathy for others. This is true compassion.
As I said before, compassion is the opposite of narcissism. Compassion is about what you can do and will do and are doing for others. There are many stories of compassion. Hollywood, novelists, ministers and pastors of all stripes will tell us story after story of compassion. We hear these stories and are touched. We sympathize and empathize with the victims in these stories. But are we moved to take action? Unless we take action to help others, we can never get to true compassion or love. Love goes beyond compassion. Love entails pro-active measures to care for others.
Compassion + Pro-Action = Love
Compassion can involve two types of action. It can entail reaction or pro-action. Compassion that is reactive takes place when you see a need and do something about it. However, there is a final step in the journey. Love is our ultimate destination. When you love others, you do not wait to be asked or wait until the need is apparent. When you love, you are pro-active. You reach out before you are asked. You seek for those that need help and you do not simply wait for them to arrive or show up on your door step.
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” — John 15:13
I can recall a situation where I once had a friend in need. I called Mike up and asked him if there was anything I could do for him and he said “No, he was ok.” I thought that I was doing a very fine thing by being pro-active and asking if Mike needed any help. A short time late, I found that another friend (Bob) had gone over and actually rendered some assistance to Mike. I asked Bob how this came about as I noted that I had called Mike and he said that he did not need any help. Bob replied: “Yeah, he told me the same thing, but I did not believe him. Mike will never ask for help.”
Bob’s actions made a great impact on me, since I had seldom gone further in my life than either waiting to be asked for help or sometimes asking others if they needed help. It would never have occurred to me to just show up and help. Perhaps, you might think that simply showing up and helping someone is going too far. However, think about yourself. Would you really ask others for help? I know I probably would not. Pitching in to help when not asked may not always be warranted but I now see it as something worth endeavoring to do more often than not.
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
I did not include love as one of my seven greatest virtues. This was no accident. Many writers have described love much more adequately than I have. The Greeks over two thousand years ago described four types of love. Love has been the subject of more novels, poems and songs than there are stars in the sky. We are constantly bombarded by the use of the word love. How many times have you been told “I love you” by some relative or perhaps a friend who seldom goes any further than their admission of love for you?
I am skeptical of love for two reasons. First, I am still not sure that I know what it is. Second, I hear the word used so often that I doubt anyone else really knows what it is either. If everyone in our world who was professing love really loved, I cannot believe that we would have the wars and violence and cruelty that we see every day on the TV and in the papers. I think “true love” probably exists but I do not think it is practical for my daily journey through life. It is one of those things that like happiness we do not seek but it finds us.
Compassion is a much more useful and practical virtue for my life. I can deal with compassion and I can be more compassionate if I really aspire to. I am not sure I can be more loving. I have a hard time “loving” others whom I dislike or who do unkind things to people I do like. I more often “love” others who think and act like I do. I may be taking the easy way out, but if I can be more compassionate to others and if someday I am thought of as a compassionate person, that will be enough for me. If you are further along in your journey through life, then you should consider including love as one of your “most” important virtues. No one will be a worse person for it. For me today, compassion for others is enough of an effort.
Time for Questions:
Are you a compassionate person? Do you have compassion for strangers as well as friends and relatives? Can you be compassionate towards people of different ethnicity, philosophies, religions and political ideologies? What makes you a compassionate person?
Life is just beginning.
“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.” ― Barack Obama
Kindness is number four of my seven essential virtues for leading a happy and successful life. Every Thursday I start my day with the following prayer:
There were few heroes when I was growing up who could measure up to my standards for clear and unemotional thinking. I grew up with a father who demanded toughness. My father’s motto was not to “get even” but to “get one up.” If someone hit me, he taught me to make sure that they would never think of hitting me again. My father was 6’ 4” tall and had been a professional boxer with a 21 and 3 record. He taught me fighting skills at a very young age. My neighborhood taught me to disregard the “rules of boxing” and to fight with whatever I had to win. I could easily protect myself and few people would bother me. Somehow, I became a protector for those kids who were less aggressive and who were picked on by the ever pervasive bullies. I kicked more bullies asses then I can count. I was always proud to help the underdog. Paradoxically, these traits did not make me more compassionate but made me harder and tougher.
Through hardness and toughness I began to forge a wall that nothing could get through. Sentiments, compassion and empathy were increasingly blocked out by my need to be tough and to not take any shit from anyone in the world. Each episode where toughness prevailed was another brick that helped to build my wall higher and higher. I never thought I would get married but after getting my first wife pregnant, I “did the right thing” and married her. It was the manly thing to do. My dad had always taught me to take responsibility for my actions and my baby Chris was a direct result of my actions.
One day we were in a grocery store just before Christmas. An apparently legless man pushing himself along on some kind of a wheeled board was inside the grocery looking for some money. I walked by him with Julie (my first wife) and ignored him. My wife turned back and started to give him some money and I said: “Shit, don’t give him any money, he can probably outrun me. I will bet he is just a fakir.” She gave him the money anyway and replied “What if he is not?” I never forgot that comment. I am not sure why my first wife married me. She once said that she thought all people had feelings and emotions until she married me. We subsequently divorced but I have to say that I probably owe my life to my first wife. She cared for me when I was suicidal and she always looked after me when I was hurt or needed help. Through her, I began to see what compassion and kindness were. This journey has continued with my second wife Karen who is one of the most considerate and most compassionate spouses anyone could have. Every day I learn something about kindness from her.
I disagree with Shaw. I am getting older and I still respect and uphold the values of our Founding Fathers, but I refuse to live in a gated community or allow a homeowner’s association to tell me what color holiday lights to put up. I am not a believer in mincing words but I respect the rights of minorities and anyone else to be referred to as they want to be referred to. I respect the rights of Indians to have their ancestor’s graveyards not dug up for commercial or even academic reasons and I respect their rights not to be depicted as silly mascots for some college team. Trump and his supporters believe the US has become too PC. They blame minorities for this. They would like to live in a land where it is ok to call a Black person a nigger since we call Italians wops and French frogs. A Black person they argue has a double standard or they apply a double standard for Blacks and Whites. The bottom line of all this double talk is not too much PC but a lack of empathy and compassion and kindness towards others.
Yes, there are extremists who want to take Huckleberry Finn out of the library just like there were Popes that knocked the genitals off of statues in Rome. But if you have any empathy or even the slightest understanding of culture and history, you will be less apt to say “My father didn’t own any slaves.” That is a little like replying to a woman who was raped “Well, I did not do it.” To which I can now hear someone replying, “Yes, but no Black people alive today were slaves, so why should they be so upset?” Yes indeed, why should they be so upset? If you are serious about looking at a reason, please regard the following article:
The people that we will remember in our lives and who make the most impact on our lives are not the rich and famous. They are the people who most cared about us and looked after us. They were kind and loving towards us and somehow showed that we meant something to them and to the world. They may have been our fathers or mothers or an aunt or teacher or perhaps a close friend. How much money they had or how successful they were did not make a difference to us. Indeed, what they gave us could not have been purchased by money. Money doesn’t touch us but kindness does.
I thought I would start the year of 2021 off with a positive slant. Namely, some things we can all do or practice to be better people. However, before anyone should pay any attention to what I am about to say, there are several questions they must ask themselves. I would advise you that the veracity and hence credibility of an author is critical to your acceptance of what the author is trying to sell you or convince you of. Do not buy an argument from someone who cannot be trusted. Think about the comment that “If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him.” An uncritical acceptance of any idea is dangerous to your own integrity and responsibility. Hence, the questions I would want answered (If I were you) would be as follows: Who is this writer to say what the “greatest” virtues for a human are? How did he come up with these Seven Virtues? What is the difference between a virtue and a value? Is this an important difference or is he about to sell me another new religion?
I would like to answer that I am a seeker of truth and knowledge. I am very opinionated, often highly judgmental and have frequently been accused of being a “know it all.” Many people would write my opinions off as being too liberal while others would say that I am too rational. I place great value on being logical and trying to stay open to many possibilities. I have been studying philosophy and religion since I was eighteen. I have no degrees in either. But the number of books and articles and stories that I have read number in the hundreds. I have attended many different worship houses and types of religious services. I was brought up as a Catholic until I rejected its teachings at about the age of 10. When no one would give me a good answer for “Who made God?” I more or less decided that most religions were based on superstitions.
Given that one could easily comprise a list of ten or perhaps one hundred important virtues, why do I believe that my seven are the seven greatest and most important? How do I have the audacity to make such an assertion? I might have been sitting under an apple tree one day, or perhaps simply thinking about life at one of my yearly silent retreats at the Demontreville Retreat Center, when I compiled a list of seven virtues. While I truly “value” these ideas, I understand them more as virtues than values. I will address this difference later. I decided that I want to live by these virtues. Each day for the last fifteen or more years, I have selected one of these seven virtues to help guide me through the day. Whether it is patience, kindness or courage, each day I start by reflecting on this virtue and trying to make it a part of my life.
The danger in this discussion lies in your taking a sectarian or religious approach to my writings. I assure you that I am not a religious person. I may be a spiritual person but I do not think of myself in either of these categories. I am an agnostic who wants to live a better life and help build a world that is a better place to live for future generations. Living by these seven virtues is one way I believe I can contribute to this goal.
If I have satisfactorily answered the questions that I posed above respecting my integrity and credibility, I will now set off to address each of my Seven Virtues and explain why they are so important and the difference that I think they can make in our lives. Look for my virtues over the next several weeks in my blogs.
The first day that Michael and Joshua spent together turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months. Each week, Michael and Joshua would spend at least an hour together. Some days, Michael would play video games with Joshua and other days they would do “walk and talks.” Inez would drop Joshua off and Michael would take Joshua home. Michael looked forward each week to seeing Joshua and spending time with him. Michael often tried to buy Joshua some of the things that he wanted, but Joshua’s parents were very proud and explained that they would prefer that he did not. Michael accepted their request but would take Joshua out for a hamburger or pizza whenever possible. His parents did not mind this as Joshua had a prodigious appetite.
This week, you will hear from one Jesus of Nazareth. He has been called by many names including: Messiah, Emmanuel, Christ, Lord, Master, Logos (the Word), Son of God and by himself more often The Son of Man. He is often credited with being the founder or perhaps foundation for a popular religion called Christianity. Today, it is difficult to see the link between the teachings of Jesus and many of these so-called Christian religions. I have it on good authority that Jesus never ever preached killing anyone and yet many of these so-called Christian religions are continually waving a banner of mayhem and destruction at those who think differently than they do. Anyway, it is time to let Jesus speak for himself.
I am talking about greed here. I am talking about wanting more and more regardless of the effects it has on the earth. I am telling you that happiness does not come from having more of things. The only true happiness comes from helping others. It is better to share with others who are needy than to amass a fortune that you cannot take with you. Those who berate the tax collector and call him a sinner and cheat are no better than the tax collector. Indeed, those who refuse to pay their fair share for the life they are given are worse than the tax collector. 
I am talking about sin here. I am talking about grieving your mistakes and injustices towards others. No one can walk in this world without hurting others either deliberately or by mistake. But the people who will be comforted in the next world are those who regret their mistakes and injustices and ask for forgiveness. They are the people who acknowledge their sins and mistakes and try to make amends. I was not perfect, and no one born of this world is perfect. The good and just man admits his vices and tries to overcome them. The good and just man tries to make amends to the people he has hurt or abused.
The narcissist and the man full of hubris will do injustice to all they meet. The narcissist thinks that the world revolves around his needs, wants and desires, and is content to ignore the needs and wants and desires of others. The man of hubris is overly prideful and arrogant and thinks that he has earned the right to have more than others. Both feel that everyone else is there to serve their needs and that their needs come before the needs of anyone else. The injustice done by these beliefs amounts to a mountain of intolerance and discrimination towards anyone who is perceived as inferior or beneath their consideration. For this reason, I say “Do not look upon yourself as being better than others. Remember that there but for the grace of God, would you go.”
world. No one who is not seeking righteousness and justice can expect to find peace. I say that your task is to look for justice where there is injustice. To look for goodness where there is wickedness. You can never complete your search. Your hunger will never be sated. Your thirst will never be quenched. Each generation must take up the search because evil is in our own hearts. Only by looking to replace evil with justice and righteousness can the evil that is within us be banished. We are all born with original sin, but the righteous man is the one who overcomes their sinfulness by replacing it with a goodness that transcends earthly needs and desires.
Those who show mercy towards others will have mercy shown towards them. I lived in a time when lepers, Samaritans, non-Jews and many others were thought to be unworthy of mercy. Mercy was always for those in our own tribe. This meant mercy for Jews if you were a Jew. Mercy for Romans if you were a Roman. No mercy was to be shown to the poor for they were lazy. No mercy was to be shown to the sick because they were sinners. No mercy was to be shown to those of other religions because they were “non-believers.”
I say to you that the pure of heart are those with integrity and character. They are without selfishness and seek primarily to do good for others regardless of the cost to themselves. They are not opportunists who try to squeeze the most for themselves at every turn of events. Neither are they sycophants who yield their ideas and actions to others so they can creat more profit for themselves. The pure of heart are not greedy. They are not profit driven. They are not out for fame and fortune. The pure of heart care only about the good they can do for others. Others include the entire human race and not simply those who belong to their tribe or religion or country. Those who put humanity above patriotism, humanity above family, humanity above friendships and humanity above self will surely see God.
Rage, jealousy, ingratitude, intolerance, bigotry and fear are the enemies of peace. Those who want peace must be willing to beat their swords into plowshares. If you follow my Beatitude, you will disarm yourself. You will throw down your guns. You will deactivate your nuclear weapons. You will turn your armies for war into armies for education. There is no peace possible in aggression. There is no peace possible in hatred. There is no peace possible in defensiveness. The only path to peace is to turn the other cheek. How many times have I said you must do this to find peace?
Actions speak louder than words. All those who cry out “Lord, lord” will not enter into the kingdom of heaven. What good is the salt if it has lost its taste? Those who speak beautiful words will not enter my kingdom without beautiful deeds to match their words. I spoke out my ideas and thoughts. I challenged the powers that were corrupt. I was taken up to the mountain and promised fame and fortune and power by Satan if I renounced my beliefs, but I remained steadfast. I was persecuted and crucified, but I never renounced my beliefs. How then do you think you will be saved by being nice to others and by silencing your thoughts in the face of evil? No one who speaks my name should expect to escape persecution. There is no change without struggle and oppression.
I was only twenty-five when I met Irene. It was my first job out of college. I had just finished my RN program at Regina Nursing School. It took me three years going to school days and working part-time evenings to complete my degree. After finishing school, I applied at several nursing homes since I wanted to work with the elderly. In three weeks, I was hired by the River Birch nursing home in New Prague Minnesota.
My first day on the job was the high point and perhaps also the low point of my life. It was the day I met Irene. My supervisor Michelle started my job orientation by introducing me to the staff I would be working with. She then gave me a brief summary of my work duties. She explained that I would be assigned a wing of the nursing home and within that wing, I would be in charge of a specific number of residents. We were not to call them patients. Each day, my job would be to take care of the residents that I was assigned and to ensure that they received food, care and compassion.
Over time, I began to wonder what she was looking at. After looking out the window myself, all I could see was a large grassy field surrounded by numerous oak, maple and birch trees. On any given day, there might some grackles or robins out in the field but very little else to view. It was a pleasant enough scene but nothing that I thought could keep anyone’s attention for more than a few minutes never mind several hours of staring out the window
a very pretty view that she could look out at. I thought she would enjoy the variety and the change of scenery. As I started to push Irene’s wheel chair away from her chosen window, she became very agitated and started pointing and in a raised voice saying “window, window.” I moved her back to the old window and left her for the day.
Next morning, I came to work and started my rounds. I did not see Irene and I wondered where she was. I checked her room but the bed was made up and there was no sign of Irene. I went into see my supervisor and ask about her. “I am sorry” Michele said “She passed away last night and was taken to the funeral home. There will be no services for her as she had no surviving relatives.” I went home and cried for her passing. I had never understood her or made a connection with her that I thought was the least bit meaningful.
It is sixty-five years later and I finally understand Irene. I am sitting here looking out a window from the nursing home where I am now a resident. Each day I look out the same window and I see a different event from my life. I have been amazed at the events that I have witnessed. I have seen my mother giving birth to me. I saw the birth of each of my sisters and brothers. I witnessed my first communion and my first day in school. I watched my wedding and the birth of each of my children. I was at my husband’s funeral again. During the past few months, I have seen all the major events of my life one after the other in perfect chronological order. I am almost at the end of my journey. There is only one final event. The last event will be when they come for me. They are getting close. My mom and dad are coming for me. They are coming to take me home. I must keep looking out the window or I will miss them.
The idea of sex in our minds easily overrode any caution or concern about getting caught by her father. We arrived at her house. She lived out of town somewhat in Scituate which was a more rural area of R.I. in the sixties. When we arrived, Bob said “I will go in first and check things out. If it is okay, you guys can come in. Bob went inside the small average looking New England Colonial house with two upper dormer windows and came out a few minutes later. “OK guys” Bob said, “She is willing.” We all trotted inside the house to the first room which was a kitchen with a small table and four chairs. Dave, Tommy and I sat on the chairs and Bob headed up a small staircase. “I will go first” said Bob “and Dave is next. You and Tommy can decide who goes after Dave.” “Oh”, said Bob, “her name is Barbara and she likes to be called Barb.” No one challenged this order of affairs as it was taken for granted that since Bob had set this up, he had first dibs.
Production Manager: Jesus Christ, you are fired. I have told you repeatedly that your job is to help us make a profit, not to take care of the sick and needy. I am sorry but I am going to have to let you go. I wish I could give you a good reference but you just don’t belong in the business world.
Advertising Manager: Jesus Christ, you are fired. You can’t tell people the truth about our client’s products. Your job was to make this stuff look good. But no, you kept telling people the truth. You are too honest and you will never make a good marketing person. I suggest you find another outlet for your talents.
Employment Counselor: Well, Jesus, if you were asked about your future plans and what you wanted to aspire to, could you maybe forget about the sacrifice thing and just talk about how hard you can work?
Aging Capriciously 