Before we begin to answer the question raised in the title, we need to define empathy. I will ignore what the dictionary says in favor of my own definition. My definition of empathy is “A feeling that somehow gets shared between two (or more people) and that helps each person feel closer to the other person.” Years ago, when my first wife and I went to marriage counseling, she told the counselor, that I was the only person she knew who did not have any feelings. For years, she had wondered about it but she finally concluded that I did not have any. I cannot fault her for this. I believed that Spock on Star Trek, was too emotional. After all, he did have a human mother.
Forty-six years have gone by since that fateful counseling session and I have learned a lot more about empathy. But to say that I am a master or even a journeyman in empathy would be an exaggeration. Learning empathy is not as simple as that. It is compounded by the fact that I see three types of empathy (This is my typology). There is neg-empathy, neutral empathy, and positive empathy. Most of my days are spent in neutral empathy. I have had many occasions of neg-empathy. Once in a great while, I get struck by lightning and have a glimpse of positive empathy. They have become more frequent as I have aged but not frequent enough. (The opening picture above shows three types of empathy that psychology textbooks use.) Again, I favor my own three types.
Neg-Empathy
Neg-empathy is a complete disregard for how another person feels. Sometimes it is intentional but most often it is inadvertent. Culturally many of us are brought up to exhibit neg-entropy. Here is one example:
A good friend is running with me on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. He stumbles, falls, and twists his ankle. I ask him if it is ok and can he still run. He replies that it hurts quite a bit, to which I reply “Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I think I heard that line from John Wayne or Vince Lombardi. Many men and maybe women in some cultures are brought up to disregard pain and to ignore suffering. “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, so should you.” “The only thing you have to fear, is fear itself.”
Personally, I love a lot of these macho aphorisms. My father used to tell me them all the time. Like when I once came home battered and bruised from a fight that I had won with an older kid, and my father said. “Next time you win a fight, look like you won it.”
People who are suffering from depression are often the victims of neg-entropy. In trying to help them with lines like “Tomorrows another day” or “You worry too much,” we make things worse for them. At best, we do not ameliorate or disperse any of their depression.
Neg-empathy does not make anyone feel better. Comments from neg-empathy do nothing to share a sense of common concern or camaraderie. At best, they are not helpful and at worse, they may just be mean spirited and cruel.
Neutral Empathy:
I started running in 1975 after being a very good bicyclist for many years. I ran in freezing rain, below zero wind-chills and blistering heat. I even went out one time and ran with a tornado coming through the neighborhood. Like the U.S. Mail, nothing could stop me. Over the years, I met many people who would tell me “I used to run but my knees went out and I had to give it up.” I had enough sense not to tell them what I was really thinking so I usually said nothing or just a “too bad.” What I was really thinking was “If you really wanted to you could still be running.” The latter comment would be an example of neg-empathy. My silence was an example of neutral empathy. I did not make any connection to the feelings that the other person had, nor did I much want to. I could not identify with them since I ran “no matter what.” I was better than they were.
Last year in April of 2022, I broke my finger in a fall while running on a mountain trail in Casa Grande. I continued running and did not find out that my finger was broke until I had an Xray about two months or so later. The finger throbbed and looked funny for much of this time. This still did not stop my running. The advice from many people was that it was just swollen, and the swelling would go down.
One of my favorite run days of the year is January 1. It is a day that while many are making promises to exercise or lose weight, I go up and do a long hour run in the mountains. This year, January 1, 2023, I put my running gear on and drove to the mountain trailhead. The closer I came to the trailhead, the more apprehension I felt. I began to dread running on the mountain trails today. What used to seem like fun was replaced with a scary feeling. “When will I break my leg” kept going through my mind?
I finally decided not to run anymore (at least on these trails). From now on I would hike the trails. Since January, I have made about three hikes each week. On each of my hikes, I have suffered from missing the challenges of trail running, feeling like a coward who quit, and just plain thinking of myself as a loser.
Today, I was experiencing the same feelings when suddenly, I realized that I would now be the one to have an excuse for not running any more. My thoughts went to the numerous times I had encountered others with an excuse for not running. What would I say to the people I met on the trail. Should I apologize for not running? Would they recognize me as the guy who had been running these trails for 12 years? I did not want sympathy, but I was embarrassed before even meeting anyone else on the trail.
I realized that I had never given anyone positive empathy for having to give up their running. My keeping quiet was just an example of neutral empathy. No support, no compassion, no closeness, no connection with how the other person was feeling. Forty years after my counseling sessions, and the best I was doing was negative empathy.
Positive Empathy:
My shoulder hurts now from lifting too many weights yesterday. With Karen gone East to visit her children, I have been doubling down on my exercise schedule. I figured I could catch up and maybe even get ahead for the several days that I missed last month. This idea of “catching up” is stupid. It is fruitless and a waste of time. Furthermore, it is much more likely to result in injury than sticking to a “normal” schedule. So now my shoulder is painful and I have no one around to show me any empathy. Karen would be running some cream or oil in my shoulder or giving me a massage or just telling me that she was worried about me, and that I should take it easy. Karen is my main source of positive empathy.
We all need positive empathy for the pains and outrageous misfortunes that happen to us in life. There are two problems that we may have in getting this positive empathy.
- Too many people like me who are not good at giving positive empathy.
- Not enough people in our lives to give us the empathy we all need on occasion.
What happens to people who live alone or who have few friends? I don’t really have a good answer to this. I realize that there are people who visit shut ins. People who visit prisons. I wonder if this is enough. Some of the studies on happiness suggest that people are less happy than they were years ago.
“While happiness increased globally up until 2011, it has been falling ever since. But this trend masks large differences in happiness across countries, with clear winners and losers.” World Happiness Report
Some questions I have for you:
- Is it possible to give ourselves empathy?
- Can self-empathy replace empathy from other people?
- What happens to people who never get any empathy?
- Thanks for reading. I look forward to hearing your comments or responses.
Aging Capriciously 
Feb 20, 2023 @ 02:55:26
Is it possible to give ourselves empathy?
…. maybe so in the form of self love and/or self care?…
On the other hand, one can’t give from an empty cup …. one who never receives empathy ends up hardened, dried up, cold or maybe not … one ends up resilient and persevering….
Just my two cents worth
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 07:16:59
Worth much more than two cents. I like the metaphors. I suppose it is a choice or maybe not, but two paths diverge, one goes for positive empathy and the other for negative empathy. Do we harden and get cold or do we end up resilient and persevering. Life can be so confusing. Thanks Lin for sharing. John
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 06:04:17
I did a little!
Wordle 611 4/6
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Wayne
Wayne Woodman
50 Sherwood Dr
Wolfville, NS
B4P 2K4
902-692-0415
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life!
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 07:22:36
Good advice Wayne. First guess Water?
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 06:27:02
Difficult questions, John! I recognise a lot of what you say in my own history.
If we don’t have self-empathy, how can we have empathy for others? Doesn’t empathy come from the recognition of our common humanity, when we come down from the ivory tower of ego and left brain?
Maybe you give us a false choice. Empathy is for self and others.
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 07:26:14
I like that Barry. The same idea as we must love ourselves before we can really love others. Although, I think it is a matter of degree. I suppose the same is true with self-empathy. We must have some or we cannot share it with others. I wonder if there is “Empathy” training or Empathy school some place where we can attend or send others to? I think that traveling has given me some empathy. I see more commonality among the human race than I do differences. The idea of U.S. exceptionalism has become more and more ludicrous with each country I visit. Thanks for your insights and thoughts. John
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 08:30:44
Wow, this is a powerful piece, John. And maybe a piece on self-awareness? I definitely think that we can and should be empathetic towards ourselves. It sounds like you have not been able to do that easily because you grew up trying to satisfy/ impress a tough-guy father who exhibited no empathy whatsoever. As a runner of the same age, albeit not the same level of running, it sounds like you’ve set unrealistic standards for yourself and expect the same of others. This is your father speaking, it doesn’t have to be you. Running with a broken finger is not the same thing as running with bad knees or an arthritic hip (me, I just can’t do it anymore). Then it’s just time to give yourself a break and feel blessed that you were able to run for as long as you could. Or do anything else. Travel, you name it. The fact that you’re thinking this deeply about empathy is a very good sign! 😊
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 11:15:08
Hi Jane, thanks for the comments and empathy. Life is interesting. Full of ups and downs. I always loved the Kipling quote that “there but for the grace of God go I.” The thought instills me with some humility but also with some gratitude. I did not have the best of family life. It was no “Leave it to Beaver” or “Father knows best” life but I have met many people whose childhoods would make my childhood seem like paradise. I do try to see the best of hiking rather than running. Less fear of falling. More looking at the sky. Easier to stop and the start up again. Enjoying the flowers and smelling the roses as a friend of mine once advised me. In this case, the Mexican poppies and some Lupine were growing yesterday and while they did not seem to have much smell. They were very beautiful. I always appreciate your comments Jane, thanks for your friendship. John
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 18:57:20
I hadn’t realized that that quote was Kipling, but I’ve always thought of it as being so very true. For example, if you have a child who is severely disabled, it sure changes how you expected your life to flow, but can bring you other joys you couldn’t have imagined. I’m glad you’re learning to find joy in the gifts of Mother Nature on your non-running hikes. I’m hoping to be able to do something similar once I get my hip and shoulder replacement surgeries done! Patience is a virtue. So is finding friendship through blogging! 😊
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 08:15:46
Jane, I double checked. I was wrong. According to WIKI: Allegedly from a mid-sixteenth-century statement by John Bradford, “There but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford”, in reference to a group of prisoners being led to execution. I had always heard that it was a Kipling story about being in India and the caste system. Do not know where I picked that up but I could find no corroboration. You are right about finding other joys. I wish you luck with the hip and shoulder surgeries. They are not to be taken lightly as I am sure you know.. Thanks Jane.
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 11:58:29
Thanks, John.
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 13:40:52
Another thought provoking post for me John 🙂
This one is especially relevant for me and has really made me reflect. After over 30 years working as a nurse and a counsellor I had a lot of training (as well as various experiences) regarding empathy, what it is and what it isn’t.
It’s frequently said that to empathise is to stand in someone else’s shoes. But of course we can’t really do that! Even if we go through similar experiences our reactions may be totally different due to our different psychological framework.
So the work we do on ourselves ( usually a prerequisite to professional counselling ) is about recognising when our own experiences, beliefs, values may get in the way of empathising with another person. We may not agree with them, we may see things differently, but can we understand where they are coming from in their specific circumstances? If not, if our stuff gets in the way, then we are not empathising with them.
It’s all those parental ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’ that sometimes get in the way. We may believe that In certain situations ‘this is the way we SHOULD behave’!
If we pass this on to others it is not empathy.
I think self-empathy is about understanding ourselves and recognising where our ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ may get in the way. Recognising our own special deficiencies.
Sharing similar circumstances often interferes in us being able to empathise, due to forgetting our reactions to those ‘same experiences’ can be totally different to those of another person.
It’s often easier to truly empathise when we haven’t experienced similar circumstances.
There are many different viewpoints. I’m still thinking about it 🙂
I think self empathy is not a replacement for empathy from other people; it’s more about an understanding of ourselves so we can better empathise with others.
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 08:04:55
Margaret, you have a world of experience with empathy. Your comments are very insightful. Perhaps another thing we should be teaching people but from my own experience we seldom do. Seems we must learn these things ourselves unless we find good parents or a good mentor. I wonder how many people never learn or develop empathy? Your thoughts about not being able to walk in someone else’s shoes really hit the mark. The advice seems wise but as you note is perhaps impossible. Thanks for the comments, John
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 10:57:45
John, the more I read, the older I become, the less I know. I now realise I knew a lot more when I was younger! 🤣
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Feb 24, 2023 @ 14:46:12
Margaret, I like to say that I continue to know more and more about less and less. Or sometimes, I know less and less about more and more. John
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Feb 20, 2023 @ 18:45:06
Knowing you just through this blog of yours for just a short while, John, I find it hard to believe that you weren’t always an empathetic person. I can’t imagine you as unfeeling. But if you were, I thank God for you that you are now the very kind man that I perceive in the posts on your blog. You know that I love to include a song when I comment because a good song can convey so much more than I am able to say and to say it so much better than I can. You probably know this song that goes so well with this post of yours here, the late John Prine’s beautiful “Hello In There.” https://youtu.be/nahbB1P_T88
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 08:06:26
H Majik, not sure I am now an empathetic person. I think I have grown a lot but there are still many people for whom I have too little empathy. I keep trying to understand people better but I often find it very difficult. John Thanks for connecting with the song. John
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 08:10:45
I had not heard Prine. Somewhat sad song. I like this style. Reminds me of Pete Seegar and Bob Dylan. I guess you would call it folk. I will have to listen to more of John Prine. Good song and good advice. Thanks Majik.
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 19:48:17
For sure Prine was a lot like Seegar and Dylan in his own unique way, of course. And so many of his songs exhibited the empathy you write about here, John. “Angel From Montgomery” is a woman singing, but Prine wrote it, and Bonnie Raitt revived her then flagging career with it as a big hit. Prine wrote “Sam Stone” about a veteran who comes home a junkie early in his career when he was just out of the army, and Johnny Cash covered it but changed the mournful and beautiful refrain “Jesus Christ died for nothing, I suppose” to something more fitting to his tastes because he didn’t want to sing that line. But when asked by critics what he thought about Cash changing his lyric, Prine humbly replied, “Johnny Cash can do anything he wants with any of my songs!” https://youtu.be/OLVWEYUqGew
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 19:54:01
Here’s Raitt and Prine singing “Angel From Montgomery” together about six months before that goddamned COVID killed Prine in the Spring of 2020. https://youtu.be/MaHNUYAKDn4
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Feb 24, 2023 @ 14:39:27
I was not familiar with Prine but of course with Bonnie and Cash. The humility of Prine is very touching. HJe was born about a month after I was. My birthdate was September 1946. Thanks for sharing. John
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Feb 22, 2023 @ 09:03:46
Very much like Seegar & Dylan, Dr. J. COVID killed Prine in 2020. He was a favorite of his fellow singer songwriters. Bonnie Raitt revived her once flagging career with her cover of “Angel From Montgomery.” And Johnny Cash changed a lyric on his cover of Prine’s “Sam Stone” so he wouldn’t have to sing the hauntingly beautiful line “Jesus Christ died for nothin’, I suppose.” When asked about Cash’s edit, Prine said, “Johnny Cash can do whatever he wants with one of my songs. https://youtu.be/OLVWEYUqGew
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Feb 24, 2023 @ 14:56:59
John, I see from the comments above that I somehow repeated myself on the “Sam Stone” story, but that’s not unusual because, at my age, I do it all the time . . . just not usually in print. As recompense, I’m attaching one last John Prine duet that he did with Iris DeMent called, “In Spite Of Ourselves” that some old friends sent us for our fortieth wedding anniversary! https://youtu.be/P8tTwXv4glY
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Feb 25, 2023 @ 06:48:49
Thanks Majik, good song. I noticed his foundation. The man had a a good heart. John
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Feb 25, 2023 @ 21:51:28
I found some of that funny. Good points.
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